The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 8 - Fair Weather Fran - full transcript

How lucky is your grandmother,
getting married at her age?

I mean, do you know the odds of a woman
over 35 finding a husband?

One in 1245.6.

How much do you weigh, Ma?

Who can remember numbers?

Like a virgin

Wow, Yettie. I want whatever you're on.

Well...

This is for inflammation.

This is for spastic colon.

And I got an ounce of glaucoma medication



that my doctor grew.

But I don't use it because it gets me

kind of loose.

You mean sexually?

No.

Touched for the very first time

Look at her, all atwitter
like an 85-year-old schoolgirl.

Well, Ma, enjoy it.

At least you get to dance
at your mother's wedding.

Because at the rate that I'm going,
you'll be coming to mine in an urn.

There, I said it before you did.

That's him.

-Let me get the door.
-Okay.

I'm so excited.



I feel like flying to him
on gossamer wings.

I'm coming.

Hey, baby.

Sameleh.

My Yiddish mama.

Well, this is a first.

Your mouth is open,

and there's no
chewed-up SnackWell's in it.

Ma, when you told us
that you were engaged,

you neglected to mention that he's black.

You're black?

That's right.

No wonder.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

Dr. Miller, I had the weirdest dream
last night.

Grandma Yetta was running
down a football field,

carrying a bridal bouquet,

and Count Basie was waiting for her
in the end zone,

when Miss Piggy comes walking by, carrying
a very lean corned beef sandwich,

and says,
"You are not getting any younger."

Clearly the dream indicates
that you are bitter and upset

at the fact your 85-year-old grandmother
is getting married for the second time

when you haven't been married once.

Really?

Now, you see, I just thought I had a thing
for jazz and The Muppets.

Fran, you have to shift your focus.

Now, isn't there anything in your life
besides marriage

that you're passionate about?

Like some inner dream
that you've always kept secret?

Like my deepest, darkest fantasy?

Wanna tell me about it?

-Well, it's a little freaky.
-That's good.

I mean, that's all right.

Fran, it's never too late
to follow a dream.

Now, you've got to stop dwelling
on the things

that aren't working in your life,

and start making the things
that you want to happen, happen.

You know, doc, you are absolutely right.

I'm gonna stop obsessing
on wanting to be married

and follow my dream. From here on in,

I am set out on a path where I'm gonna be

a more interesting, mature,
independent woman.

Maybe then he'll propose.

Here's your invitation
to Yetta's engagement party at the home.

Now, don't be late.
Dinner is served promptly at two.

I cannot think of a more nauseous-making,

mind-numbing evening.

-Well, I'm going.
-Me too. Where's mine?

I'm sorry. The maximum capacity
at the home is 640.

It was between you and the woman
handing out Jimmy Dean samples

at the A&P yesterday.

I'm not invited?

Okay. Fine.

Because I've got lots
of better things to do.

Yetta? Where's my pretty Yetta?

Mr. Sheffield, I have decided
to pursue my lifelong dream

and become a successful career woman.

I finally have a direction,
a goal, a clear path.

I thought, you wanted to get married
and have children.

Wait, are you asking?

Because I could chuck
that other pipe dream.

Yeah, right. Well, back to my clear path.

I am going to become a TV weather girl.

I think that's the perfect job for you.
You'll be wonderful at that.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Daddy, I loved my lesson.
I wanna become a jockey.

I think that'd be a perfect job for you.
You'll be wonderful at that.

Thank you.

What just happened here?

You were just humoring me, weren't you?

You no more think that
I could be a TV weather girl

than you think Gracie could be a jockey.

Well, of course I do. I mean,
you're beautiful and photogenic.

And she's short.

Mr. Sheffield, I'm not a child.

I'm gonna be 30.

Now, I can handle honesty.

No, Miss Fine. No, you can't.

Well, why don't you just try me?

I don't think
you could be a TV weather girl.

Why?

Well, let's start with your voice
and a microphone.

You know, there is a fine line
between honest and cruel.

Miss. Fine, it's unrealistic.

I'm not being cruel, am I, Niles?

Absolutely not, sir.
She asked for the truth.

-Niles.
-Sorry, Miss. Fine, Christmas is coming.

Well, I know what's going on here.

You are just terrified that I might become
immensely successful,

leave you, and your whole world
will fall apart.

Well, now, that's a tad arrogant,
don't you think?

I wouldn't dream of keeping you here
just to satisfy my own selfish needs.

Oh, really?

Well, then I got news for you.

There is no hope for us, mister.

-All right, what just happened here?
-Well, let's review, sir.

-If that's my mother,
-If that's my mother,

-tell her I'm not here.
-tell her I'm not here.

Hi, Sammy. Hi, Yetta.

Fran, I just love your voice.

I knew where the house was
before I even got out of the car.

Hello, Samuel. Mother.

Why don't you guys go take a seat
in the living room,

and we'll catch up with you in a minute.

-All right, all right.
-Just go take a seat.

Well, send up a flare
when you get to the couch.

Ma, why are you being so cold to them?
Is it because he's black?

Please. I, of all people,
am not prejudiced.

You forget, I come from a time

when the Jews were kept out
of the Oyster Bay Country Club.

Just you, Ma. And that's because you stole
a steak.

You know why I'm upset?

-Why?
-My father is not even dead 25 years.

And already she's running off
with another man.

They're not running anywhere, Ma.

I'm sorry, I just can't accept this.

Ma, I also had problems with Yetta
getting married before me,

but I channeled my anxieties
into a new career.

And that's what you're gonna have to do.

You gotta find something new in your life
and then focus on that.

I haven't tried the Viennetta log
from the Breyers people.

Hello, there. Maxwell Sheffield.
And you must be Sammy.

Yes. And you must be Fran's husband.

Warming up to him yet, Ma?

I will never accept another man
as my father.

Sammy, you know, you're a little confused,
sweetie. Mr. Sheffield is not my husband.

He's just the killer
of weather girl dreams.

-Would you please get off that, Miss Fine?
-You are the killer

-I am no such thing.
-...of weather girl dreams.

You cannot expect to just
walk in off the streets

and straight into broadcasting.

You know, my nephew works
down at the television station.

Maybe he can help you out.

Well, there's your in, Miss Fine.
You think I should look for another nanny?

Well, maybe you know him, Bryant Gumbel?

-Bryant Gumbel's your nephew?
-Papa!

You know, Fran, if Bryant Gumbel
hires you, doing the weather

-could be just the beginning for you.
-I know.

You know that movie, Up Close & Personal?

Michele Pfeiffer started out
as a weather girl.

And look who she became.

-Who?
-Well, Michele Pfeiffer for one thing.

Yeah.

Now, Val, you go over there
with the cue cards,

and Gracie, you come up
with just some cute little news headline.

Then throw it over to me
in Weather Central.

Okay.

Today President Clinton
and Chinese president Jiang Zemin

just signed a pact limiting
nuclear proliferation in the Far East.

She talks good.

And now, let's go to everyone's favorite
weather girl, Fran "Fair Skies" Fine.

Fran?

Thank you, Grace.

Well, it's going to be a crisp,
delicious day in the tri-state area.

My forecast would be to wear
something playful and autumn-y.

But if you happen to be single
and there's a cold front coming, ladies,

I would wear this.

God willing, you'll get pneumonia

and one, two, three,
you'll meet a nice doctor.

Niles, take out my Canali tuxedo,
would you?

I have to go down to my lawyer's office.

You know, sir, that's right near
the studio where Ms. Fine is auditioning.

You might want to drop by
and ruin everything.

Would you just stop it?

You really think I'm that insecure?
Look, even if Ms. Fine gets this job,

it doesn't mean
she's necessarily gonna leave us.

-Ready, Daddy.
-All right, sweetheart.

-Lets go over it one more time.
-Okay.

Fran, I really miss you,
and you have to come home

because I'm afraid to be alone.

Excellent. Excellent.

Now, remember, wait for my signal.

-Okay.
-Got it? Good.

You know, I can't believe you're using me
to manipulate someone like this.

It's so... Fran.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Bryant Gumbel. Bryant Gumbel.

Excuse me?

I'm Fran Fine. Uncle Sammy recommended me.

Yeah, Fran. You made it.

I'm just so glad
that we had an opportunity

to meet before the wedding.

You know, I'm gonna make sure
that you're sitting between me and Ma.

So you're not surrounded
by a bunch of nuts.

Lesley Stahl! Lesley Stahl!

Lesley, I love you, I love you.

Is that her real hair?

-So, where's my weather set?
-What weather set?

You know, the one with the temperatures
and the maps and the clouds

-that keep rolling over and over again.
-Fran, Fran,

we don't have a weather set on this show.

No weather girl?

But that's what I'm here for.

Are you sure you don't wanna reconsider?

Because I got an Aunt Ida
with a Nielsen box.

You know, we do have an opening
for an editorial commentator.

Would you be interested
in auditioning for that?

Sure.

I'd go for editorial commentator.
Whatever the hell that is.

Lance. Great. Lance?

Why don't we get her audition
down on tape?

-Would you like a hairdresser?
-Why?

You think it's a little too subdued
for TV?

Might not fit on TV.

Boy, come here.

Are you taking anyone
to this thing Saturday night?

Well, let's see, am I taking a date,
or am I taking...

-You.
-Saturday.

Master Brighton, did she ask you
to take her with you Saturday?

-Yes.
-Does she know that you're not going

to Yetta's party, but that she'll be
helping you man the Klingon booth

at the Star Trek convention?

No, but I mean, maybe I should tell her.
It's just so cruel.

It's a wee bit crueler than that, captain.

-You ready to do this?
-Absolutely.

Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

I will give you a topic
off the top of my head,

-and you just run with it, okay?
-No problemo.

Good. Gene therapy.

-Gene therapy. Got it.
-Gene therapy.

Fran Fine test.

In five, four, three, two...

Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

How are you?

I'm here to do an editorial commentary
on gene therapy.

Well, if you want my opinion,

I think that there is nothing
more therapeutic

than slipping into a pair of jeans
that make your tush look hot

in a pair of ooh-la-la Sassons.

Anyhoo, I would just slip
into those babies

whenever I wanted to lift my spirits
or my grade point average.

Well, that's it for now.

This is Fran Fine signing off,
zei gezunt.

Go with God.

-No... No. No, no, no.
-No? Oh, my God. Is it the hair?

I knew I shouldn't have tried someone new.

Fran, gene therapy is the alteration
of our genes by scientists.

But why would you go to a scientist
when any dry cleaner could put up a hem?

-And they've gotta charge more.
-Fran, no, no. Not those kind of jeans.

DNA, genetics,
our cellular infrastructure.

Never mind.

-Thank you. We'll be in touch.
-Thank you, Bryant Gumbel.

Uncle or no uncle,
I'm having him committed.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna have to ask
for your security pass back.

Won't I need it for tomorrow?

And the box of doughnuts.

They're the lemon-filled ones.
Nobody eats those.

Mr. Sheffield, it was horrible.

Ms. Fine, Ms. Fine, what happened?

That mean lady took my doughnuts.

No, I mean what happened
with the audition? How'd it go?

Well, for starters,
they didn't need a weather girl.

They made me audition
for editorial commentator.

Yikes.

Well, I mean that in a most
supportive way, of course.

It doesn't matter. You were right
in the first place.

You know, next time I have a dream,
just go ahead and dump all over it.

It'll save me the heartache.

I wouldn't be so sure, Ms. Fine.
I have a confession to make to you.

You know, the real reason
I came down here today

was because, well frankly,
I was terrified you would succeed.

-Really?
-Yes.

Furthermore, I came up
with a rather elaborate ruse

-to make sure I could get you back.
-You did?

Watch, watch this.

Gracie.

Fran, I really miss you.

And you have to come home
because I'm afraid to be alone...

Never mind.

Never mind.

Well, we did have it all planned out.
I promise.

That's so sweet.

But, you know, a word of advice.

Next time you use a child
to manipulate an adult,

you gotta give them a protein,
not a carbohydrate,

or they lose their concentration.

Why couldn't this have been my category?

I could have been the next
Connie Chung-Povich.

Come on, honey, let's go home.

Wait a minute.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm here to meet my nephew
for lunch, Bryant Gumbel.

And my little girl is anxious to meet him.

This is my daddy.

That was gorgeous, Sammy.

Thank you, baby.

But let me play you my favorite.

My yiddishe momme

I need her more than ever now

My yiddishe momme

I'd love to kiss that wrinkled brow

I long to hold her hands

Once more as in days gone by