The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Dinner Party - full transcript

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

How does it feel to wake up
an engaged woman?

Well, you know how sometimes they say
when you finally attain your dream,

it's always a letdown?

They were wrong.

Shall I prepare
your Carnation Instant Breakfast,

Mrs. Sheffield?

-You called me Mrs. Sheffield.
-I did. I did.

-Say it again. Say it again.
-Mrs. Sheffield. Mrs. Sheffield.

Can you get me a satellite dish?

Look, we're only engaged.
Wait until after the honeymoon.



I'll get you Ted Turner
on the roof with a hanger.

Who is it?

The future Mrs. Sheffield's mother.

-Hi, Ma.
-So, do we have a ring yet?

You know that when they caught the mugger,
they never recovered the ring.

Meanwhile, that mugger's girlfriend

is giving him the conjugal visit
of his life.

Darling, it's not a real engagement

until I can take my daughter's hand

and say, "Stick these karats
in your soup, Mrs. Glickman."

Well, you know,

we're gonna use the pop top for a while.

I mean, Max and I love each other,
and that's all that really matters.

I don't care if I ever get a ring.



She's turning
into a shiksa right before my eyes.

-Hi, sweetie.
-Darling.

-How you feeling? Any better?
-A little.

My back's still a bit stiff
from the mugging.

-You know what's good for that?
-Walking.

Have you ever tried walking
through the Diamond District?

As a matter of fact, Sylvia,
I've set the whole morning aside

to take your daughter shopping
for an engagement ring.

You know, we should go
to my Uncle Stanley's jewelry store

on 47th Street.

He has got
a gold-plated borscht belt chess set

with a Joey Bishop bishop.

It's probably gone.

I'd really rather go to my jeweler
at Cartier.

-Retail?
-Retail?

Out of the question.

Stanley would be so insulted

if his future nephew
didn't at least stop by.

All right.

But I have to call C.C. first.

With everything that's been going on,
I forgot to tell her about the engagement.

I've taken care of that for you, sir.

Fran and Maxwell are engaged
It looks like you're the loser

She'll be happy all her days
And you'll become a boozer

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
That the girl we described

Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She is the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The nanny named Fran

I know you can't get your house keys
copied at Cartier,

but a lot of people say they do have
a lot of very nice stuff.

Maxwell, look at this.
Uncle Stanley designed this himself.

It's a lion's head made out
of four ounces of diamond chips.

He calls it the quarter pounder.

-Franny!
-Uncle Stanley!

-Hi.
-Hello, Stanley.

What's with the hand?
You're practically family.

You know,

this girl is like a daughter to me.

You can have anything
in the store at cost.

Plus 20% to cover expenses.
You understand.

Tell me, Stanley.
What grade is that stone there?

I don't like to label.

Is that a crack?

If you have to ask, how big could it be?

My God, this has to be
the gaudiest thing I've ever seen.

Eighty-six it. If you like it,
I'll try and work him down.

No, I'm sorry, Stanley,
but I really don't think you have

the kind of ring that we're looking for.

You need keys?

-Well...
-Well, maybe for the back door.

I can't believe we're in Cartier!

And just look at all these diamonds!

Of course, we carry an exquisite selection
of De Beers.

Beer sounds good. I'm a little parched.
Grab me a Heiny.

Oh, Maxwell!

Darling, I just want you to be happy.

Oh, my God!

It's the most gorgeous thing
I've ever seen.

Do you think that the stone
is too big for my finger?

I can find you something smaller.

No, I'll just grow my nail.

So, what do you think?

Let me see.

Now, that taka is a gezunt ring.

You know, technically,
the kids are Jewish now.

It goes by the mother.

Maybe that's Miss Babcock.
She hasn't seen the ring yet.

It is Miss Babcock! It is!

Their next gig will be tapping
on your grave.

What are you so happy about?

Hoover introduce its spring line?

No, I'm just happy
about Miss Fine's engagement.

They ain't married yet.
I haven't seen a ring.

Well, then, C.C. Babcock, come on down.

Well, it's beautiful.

I have to get back to work.

Fran, I just got a phone call.
Apparently, we made Liz Smith's column.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Here it is, here it is, here it is.

Look at that!

"Maxwell Sheffield, Tony Award winner,

is marrying the help."

Well, you know the old saying,

"Doesn't matter what they say about you
if they spell your name right."

"Fran Fone."

Don't let that bother you.

The Claringtons cordially invite

Mr. Maxwell Sheffield
and his fiancée, Fran Fine,

to the social event of the year.

Do you realize
that this is the very first thing

that acknowledges me as your future wife?

I'm gonna have to take this
down to Kinko's,

'cause everyone is telling Ma
she's a big fat liar.

-Where is it?
-I can't remember.

No!

It's possible I left it
under Miss Babcock's sandwich.

This is the most exclusive clothing store

in all of New York.

Apparently, it's so exclusive,
they don't even let the clothes in.

Where do you think the irregulars are?

There.

Miss. Excuse me. Hello.

I'm sorry,
the ladies' room is for customers only.

Well, I happen to have an appointment.

I have a very important affair
that I need something very special for.

Well, then, maybe you should try
down the street

at Flash and Trash.

Is that store not great or what?

Darling, it's obvious you're cranky

because you haven't had lunch.

Ever.

But my daughter is engaged

to Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer.

I'm sorry.

You're Fran Fone.

Yes, that is to whom you are speaking.

And this is Mama.

Enchanté.

And this is my dear friend,
Valerie Toriello,

of the Flushing Meadows Toriellos.

North of the tire recycling center.

Well, may I interest any of you
in an Issey Miyake?

I'll try it.

Is it anything like rumaki?

I mean, is it in the same family?

Val, I'm so nervous
about this dinner party.

I just want to make a good impression,
you know?

Help me find something
that makes me look a little less--

Happy hour?

Yeah.

How about...?

Well, this. How about this?

No good?

You look like you swallowed
an accordion.

Girl, come here, come here.

You are very upset

by this marriage, aren't you?

No, I love Fran. And Daddy does, too.

No, he doesn't!

Ms. Babcock, as hard as this is,
you have to accept it,

so that you can move on with your life.

I've tried.

I've really tried,

but you don't know
how hard it is for me.

I'm so alone in this world.

The only men I ever meet
are the ones I audition.

Do you know how many straight chorus boys
there are in this town?

I do.

The only thing I have to look forward to
is saying goodbye to Niles.

Maxwell told me they were gonna fire him
when they got married.

I knew you were there. You reek of Tilex.

Fran, you look absolutely stunning.

I can't wait to get there
and show you off.

Well, maybe afterwards we could take
a stroll through my old neighborhood,

and I can show you off.

Although, then I'd have to leave
the ring at home.

-I'll go get the car.
-Okay.

Niles, I'm so nervous
about this party tonight.

What do I have in common
with these people?

You've been to parties like this before.

Yeah, but I was never invited.

Well, what the hell. Wish me luck.

You don't need luck, Miss Fine.
You have style. You have flair.

That's how you became the nanny.

Niles, it is just all so romantic.

I mean, it's so magical.

He treats me like a princess.

I'm coming!

We are so married.

I'll tell you, I just love
what you've done to your house.

You know,
my aunt has a ceiling mural, too.

Only she's got a cottage cheese ceiling,

so all the cherubs
look like they have acne.

It's not as nice.

-Hello, darling.
-Hi, sweetie.

Maxwell, your fiancée is just delightful.

-Wherever did you find her?
-Well, believe it or not,

she just turned up
at my doorstep, selling cosmetics.

I believe it.

It's just like that film with Richard Gere

when he married the hooker.

I remind you of Julia Roberts?

Thanks.

And I thought I wasn't gonna fit in.

So, Kyle, tell me,
how's your portfolio holding up

with all this business
in the Asian markets?

Still in the black,
but I'm thinking of consolidating.

You know, speaking of consolidating,

you have so much smoked salmon left over.

I'm gonna condense it onto one plate.
You'll have lox and eggs all weekend.

Is this caviar still good?

Let's see.

I can't tell unless I have it
on toast point.

Do you believe how they're ripping apart
Maxwell Sheffield's fiancée?

It's disgraceful.

I would die if they talked
behind my back that way.

I feel so sorry for her.

Ma, there I thought
that I was really fitting in,

and they were really liking me and...

they were just laughing at me
behind my back.

I don't know.

For the first time,
I'm beginning to wonder...

Maybe I'm not good enough for Maxwell.

What did they serve?

Ma, I'm pouring my heart out to you.

Medallions of beef with a so-so béarnaise.

Darling, do you remember when we went
to the Doral Hotel

-in Miami Beach?
-Yeah.

And I went to the pool bar
wearing a string bikini?

Do you know why people were laughing
behind my back?

Because that was the view that was funny?

No. Because they were jealous.

Because I dared to be different.

You're different. Unique.

What was the dessert?

Ma, you know,
I know you're just trying to help me,

but sometimes
you don't wanna be different.

Sometimes you just wanna fit in.

-Hello, Fran.
-Hi.

Hello...

Ma.

Well, that was supremely awkward.

-Would you mind if we stick with Sylvia?
-Of course.

I mean, it's all so new.

I mean, we hardly see each other.

Maybe I should come over more often.

Ma, Ma, Ma!

Ma! It's the most natural thing
in the world. You see?

So, has your daughter been telling you
what a smash hit she was last night?

Let's not rehash my triumph.

It was a wonderful evening. I loved them.
They loved me. We loved each other.

Well, that's good.

Because I invited them all
over here Saturday night for dinner.

Yeah, you know,
the Broadway investor is a dying breed,

and all these people
are potential backers.

Whom I'm sure you will charm
just like you did last night.

Good, honey. Can't wait. Bye.

Ma, can you believe that?

He's invited them all over for dinner.

And he's gonna be counting on me.

And I'm gonna humiliate him.

What are you gonna serve?

Would you like some company?

Why would you want to sit next to me?

Because you got the chicken.

Here you go.

It was extra crispy,
but I've been crying.

I know you.

Your picture was in the society column.

You're Fran Fone.

You read the society column?

Read it, sleep on it, whatever.

Why, why are you crying?

I don't want to burden you
with my problems.

Would you like a hanky?

Thank you.

No.

Did you ever feel like you didn't belong?

Like you were a complete loser,

and you were about to disappoint
the man of your dreams?

Yeah.

Look at me, going on and on
about my problems,

when I have so much to be grateful for.

You know what?

Let me give you my home address.

And if ever you're in the neighborhood

and you're hungry, please stop by.

We always have lots of chicken.

But if a woman named Sylvia
answers the door,

you're out of luck.

Here you go.

You're a very sweet, young lady,

and I can't imagine
that you could disappoint any man.

Say, would you like a Life Saver?

Thank you, no.

Well, I've heard of fashionably late,

but three hours is bloody avant-garde.

Well, this is a disaster.
I've got enough shrimp to feed 45 people.

Don't worry, Niles.
I'll invite Ma to brunch tomorrow.

Great. Now I have to go out and get more.

I just don't understand. Is it me?

Did I say something to offend them?

Well, you know, honey,
a lot of people drive Jaguars,

so you're bound to get
some anti-British sentiment.

Sweetie, you know, you did do something.

You're such a rich, classy, society guy

and you're marrying so beneath you.

What are you talking about?

The reason why nobody is here tonight
is because they hated me.

They were all laughing behind my back.

I'm the reason why you're losing

all of your potential new backers.

Niles, what time is it?

-It's 9:07.
-Remember that time.

This is the moment
Maxwell Sheffield realizes

he couldn't possibly marry Nanny Fine.

Well, to hell with them!

My poor darling.

Don't you realize you're worth more to me
than any of them?

I love you.

9:07 and 10 seconds.

Please. Let's see just how far
that love takes you

when you're standing on a corner
with a sign around your neck that says,

"Will produce revival of Brigadoon
for food."

-Good evening, sir.
-Hello.

I believe I was invited.

Oh, my God.
Would you excuse me a minute, Fran?

No, no. I'll take care of this.
I met him in the park

and I told him that if he were hungry,

he can come by and I'd give him some food,
and maybe a couple of bucks.

-What are you talking about?
-What?

This is Preston Collier. I invited him.

When Bill Gates needs to borrow
a cup of money,

this is the door he knocks on.

-Preston, I'm so glad you could make it.
-Thank you.

You have a wonderful woman here, Max.

You know, she thought I was hungry,
and she invited me right into your home.

Me, someone she just met
on a park bench.

That is so sweet and so like her.

Don't ever do that again.

So, if you're rich,

then what were you doing hanging out
in Preston Collier Park?

Wait a minute.

You know, Max,
I don't ordinarily invest in shows,

but you obviously have impeccable taste.

Whatever amount it is, count me in.

I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:10.

Hi.

-Hi, Sylvia.
-Hi, Sylvia.

Darlings, I understand.

You're still not comfortable
calling me Grandma yet.

It's still new.

Maybe, if I came by more often...

-Grandma!
-Nana!

Bubbe!