The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 25 - Green Card - full transcript
Because Brighton is failing French, Maxwell decides to hire a French tutor for him, leaving the decision of tutor to Fran. Fran lets her hormones take over as she hires Philippe, a young, handsome native Frenchman. There is an instant attraction between Fran and Philippe, who is the epitome of the Latin lover. Maxwell and Philippe don't really care for each other, partly because of the English/French divide, but also because Philippe is moving in on Maxwell's territory, namely Fran. Philippe quickly proposes to Fran, who accepts without reservation despite their short courtship. Maxwell is a bit skeptical that Philippe's motives are pure. He thinks that Philippe is only wanting a quickie marriage so that he can get a green card. But C.C. finds out what Philippe's true motivations in life are, which puts a kibosh on Fran and Philippe's relationship for good.
Oh, hi, Niles.
NILES: Hmm?
Say, look at this great
Mother's Day present I got.
50% off on the red dot sale.
Hmm.
Oh, by the way,
here's your magic marker.
Every light in this
entire house is on.
Do you people realize
how much energy
we're wasting here?
Would you just
sign my report card?
Nice try, Brighton.
Oh, B, you failed French.
What are you talking about?
I got a "B."
No, you didn't.
You turned the "F" into a "B"
with a red magic marker.
You know, I am horrified.
Fran, you've gotta promise me
you won't tell Dad
I failed French.
You know what a pain he can be.
Your father?
The most compassionate,
understanding, handsome...
He's standing right behind me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, Brighton.
And you are getting a tutor.
A tutor?
Oh, that's not how you learn
a foreign language.
You gotta go to the country
and immerse yourself
in the culture.
Forget it, Miss Fine.
You're not
getting a trip to Paris.
I tried that when
I wanted to perfect
my Swedish meatballs.
He sent me to Ikea.
Now, you know,
I might not mind
a hot-looking French tutor,
some babe in a short skirt,
spiked heels, a little accent.
Oh, come on,
do you think
your father's gonna
hire a floozy like that
to teach his kids?
Please.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Fran, what are you
doing to the blouse
you bought your mother?
I'm sewing
the size in upside down
so the "L" looks like a "7".
Basically I'm knocking
40 pounds off her
for Mother's Day.
Better you should give her
some grandchildren
before she dies.
How much did she
pay you to say that?
Nothing.
What do I need?
Knock wood.
I live in a beautiful mansion,
and thanks God I got my health.
Oh, can you believe
Ma would lay guilt
on a little girl just
to get what she wants?
I want a kid
so I could do that, too.
Having kids is hard work.
I wouldn't know where to start.
How about by getting a date?
Well, I'll be back shortly.
I'm just going out to lunch
with a friend of mine.
Okay.
Mr. Wilder.
He's getting divorced
for the second time.
Married a beautiful
blond chorus girl.
His poor children
were so attached to her.
Been disinfecting
the extension phone
again, Niles?
Cold and flu season, sir.
(GRUNTS)
Well, the whole thing's
a bloody mess.
I'll tell you,
I'm not gonna remarry
until the children are grown
and out of the house.
Well, wait a minute.
That could be, like, 10 years.
I mean, what if you
met the right girl?
You think she's gonna
wait all that time
to settle down
and start a family?
I don't know.
If she's the right person,
she'll understand.
No, she won't.
(HORN HONKING)
That'll be Mr. Wilder.
He bought a new Bentley to hide
some of the money
from her divorce lawyer.
(CHUCKLES)
Bundle up, sir.
There's just so
much I can do.
Oh, meanwhile, I gotta
spend the whole afternoon
interviewing French
tutors for Brighton.
Well,
what happened to the one
Mr. Sheffield liked, Nannette?
No, no.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll tell you,
it's a good thing
Mr. Sheffield put me
in charge of this,
'cause unlike a man,
I will hire a tutor
based solely on their
academic credentials.
Bonjour.
You're hired.
Miss Fine,
it's 85 degrees in here.
Why did you turn up the heat?
Oh, would you leave me alone?
I'm checking out
the tutor's credentials.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Mighty impressive.
Viva la France.
Oh, croissants.
Croissants.
I never thought
I'd say this to you,
but more nasal.
Niles, I'm an American.
I don't have to
put on some fake accent
just to impress someone.
Allo.
Would you care
for some croissants?
Merci, cheri.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Another time. Once more.
With feelings, huh?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
No. No, no.
You murder the language.
Brighton, say it
as though you were
speaking to
an exquisite woman, huh?
Je t'adore.
Je t'adore.
Je t'adore.
Well, honey,
even I understood that.
Go shut the door.
Come on, guys, it's a Saturday.
I don't want to be
stuck in the house.
Listen, Brighton,
you're not going anywhere
until you pass French.
So just plant your
little derriere on the chair.
Today is a school day.
You should listen to
your beautiful nanny.
Recess.
Forgive me if I stare.
You have such classic features.
You remind me of a Rodin.
Rodan, the pterodactyl
that terrorized Tokyo?
Well, I've been called worse.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
In my country,
a woman as beautiful as you
would have a family of her own
or at least be responsible
for one breaking up.
That is so sweet.
Perhaps you
would like to join
me for dinner tonight?
Oh, Philippe,
that's awfully sweet of you.
But it's
a little last-minute.
I mean,
I already made dinner plans.
But you know what?
Let me just go see
if I can change them.
Okay?
Niles, Niles,
cover up the holes
on the Lean Cuisine
with some tape
and shove it
back in the freezer.
Oh, Fran, you look so pretty.
I've never seen
you in that dress.
Oh, sure you have, honey.
This is the one
that I always pull out
when my relationships start
to get a little serious.
No. I've never seen
you in that dress...
You made your point, honey.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
Philippe.
Bonsoir, Brighton.
He's French.
It's cool, isn't it?
You know, Fran,
maybe I should say
hello to Philippe.
I mean, I don't wanna be rude.
Now, sweetie,
this is Brighton's tutor.
But aren't you failing Italian?
No.
Well, don't you
think you should be?
Yeah.
Bonsoir, Philippe.
Did you study your
French last night?
Well, how's this?
Did I pass the oral exam?
Ah, Philippe,
I see you're exposing
my nanny to your native tongue.
Mr. Sheffield. I'm sorry.
I guess I just have
no French resistance.
Well, neither do the French.
They surrendered in every war
they've ever been in.
That is because
we are lovers,
not fighters.
I believe your
employer is jealous, huh?
Miss Fine, I believe
your date is presumptuous.
One thing
a Frenchman can spot
a mile away is a cuckold.
Oh, really?
Now, you see,
I would have thought
that would have been
a plate of stinky cheese.
Limey.
Frog.
The only good thing to come out
of your country
is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
All right. That does it.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know,
I had a dream like this once.
How long do we have
to put up with that
posturing Frenchman?
And why do they let
so many foreigners
into this country
in the first place?
Crumpet, sir?
Oh, Maxwell,
don't be so selfish.
Philippe and Nanny Fine
are perfect for one another.
You know how
the French love
a fine wine.
Well, now he can listen
to one 24 hours a day.
No sour grapes.
You could have
foreign men worship you, too.
Go to India.
You'd be sacred.
Why is she throwing
herself at him anyway?
I mean, it's not
as if she's never seen
a good-looking man before.
I've been known
to turn a few heads
in my time, right, Niles?
You're a brick
house.
Mighty, mighty.
But perhaps Miss Fine
has reached a point
in her life where
she wants a little more.
What do you mean,
a little more?
Well, you know, sir,
a little something
extra like...
He proposed! He proposed!
...that.
What?
What do you mean he proposed?
Well, I knew
he was up to something
'cause he started with
that "Shut the door.
Shut the door."
Miss Fine,
how could the man
possibly want to marry you?
Pardon moi?
Well, I mean,
he barely even knows you.
Well, some people
know what they want
as soon as they see it
'cause, unlike other people,
they are in touch
with their feelings
and are not afraid
to express them.
Deux points, deux carats.
Just what exactly
are you saying?
What are you saying?
I'm not saying anything.
Bingo! Au revoir.
What?
What's the big news
you couldn't tell me
over the phone?
Happy Mother's Day.
(SCREAMS)
Are you pregnant?
No.
Oh, I can't believe
that Mr. Sheffield
finally proposed to you.
Oh, no, Ma.
It's not Mr. Sheffield.
It's Philippe, the guy
that I've been seeing.
Someone proposed to you
without even meeting
your mother?
Gee, you know,
I never made that
connection before.
Darling, I don't
like this at all.
Oh, Ma,
you're gonna love Philippe.
He is the most passionate,
sensuous man I've ever met.
You should see him
eat a piece of fruit,
tearing it apart
like an animal,
juice dribbling down his chin,
wiping it with his sleeve.
I'll tell you,
he reminds me
a lot of Daddy.
Sweetheart,
don't go by the sex.
Don't go by the looks.
I made that mistake
with your father.
The man that I let
my daughter marry
has to live up to
my standards, darling.
Bonjour, cherie.
My son!
Philippe, Ma.
Ma, don't scare him.
What? Like I don't know
how to talk to a person
from a foreign country?
Hello. I'm Sylvia Fine.
Thank you
for your lovely statue.
We put it in the harbor
so everyone could see it.
That's good, Ma.
Now, it's time to
take your el dopa.
Hello, Sylvia, how are you?
Not kicking myself
like someone else
in this room must be.
Phil, now that
we're mishpocheh,
family, we have so
much to talk about.
Morty and I will pay
for the entire wedding.
Your side will
just pay for the food.
But don't worry,
the Fines are not
big eaters.
Congratulations, Philippe.
Merci, Maxwell.
Snail eater.
Your queen looks like a man.
Are you two at it again?
This is getting ridiculous.
He got you last.
Cheri, we must get ready
for the interview
for our Green Card.
Um...
Philippe, uh,
could you perhaps
clear this up for me?
If you marry Miss Fine,
you get to stay in this
country. Is that right?
You insult me, sir.
I wanted to take her to France
to live in
my brother's chateau,
but she insisted
on remaining here
to take care of your children.
That's right.
The chateau part
was conveniently
left out of the conversation,
but that's right.
Now, about Christmas time,
does your brother
like mishpocheh around?
Bear with me.
The INS has to determine
that yours will not simply
be a marriage of convenience.
Well, I'll tell you,
it was pretty
convenient for me,
'cause if I hadn't
met someone soon,
I was gonna hang myself.
So exactly how long
did you go out with Fran
before you proposed?
All I remember is
getting lost in her eyes,
then she spoke with
a cute little accent,
and I was hers,
body and soul.
Thank God love
is not only blind,
it's deaf, too.
When was she born?
Well, I know she's 26.
That's a rough conversion
from the metric system.
Move on.
What is her favorite food?
Well, we dine on love.
But I never get enough.
I'm always hungry for more.
Oh, can we wrap this up?
I think he's ready for dessert.
Is Miss Fine
the only American woman
you would consider dating...
Considered dating?
Absolument.
The moment our two souls met,
it was an explosion of love.
Have you ever
heard such utter rot?
"Our two souls met in
an explosion of love."
Couldn't you just retch?
Quite right, sir.
Too flowery,
not nearly as seductive as
"Miss Fine!"
No more, please.
I am spent.
(SIGHING)
Hello, Caca.
What?
Is that not what
C.C. stands for?
This is what
the butler told me.
You know,
Philippe, you have made me
the happiest woman on Earth.
And how have I
done that, mon coeur?
By taking Nanny
Fine off my hands...
Arms... Shoulders?
Your skin is like
white chocolate, cheri.
Aren't you engaged
to Nanny Fine?
Oui.
And you think I would condone
this type of scandal with me?
Oui.
Monsieur, I am deeply offended.
Stop it.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Did Caca do
a no-no in the kitchen?
Now she's going to
have to clean it up.
What do you mean?
Well, someone's
got to tell Miss Fine
that she's marrying a cad.
I could never break
her heart like that.
I can.
But I won't.
Destroy Nanny
Fine's relationship
and be stuck with her forever?
You've been inhaling
a little too much
Easy-Off, Beulah.
Big mistake.
If you told, it would make you
so attractive
to Mr. Sheffield.
How?
Well, a handsome man
came onto you.
Remember, boys never want a toy
until another boy
wants to play with it.
Listening.
Besides,
Philippe is a philanderer.
The marriage will never last.
When Miss Fine is devastated,
whose strong,
British arms will be
there to comfort and...
Maxwell!
What shall we put
the bridesmaids in?
Fuchsia or lime green?
No woman looks good
in lime green.
Lime green it is.
Je t'adore.
Okay.
The man is obsessed
with shutting the door.
Miss Fine,
I have something to tell you.
Oh?
Your French fiance
Philippe's a philanderer.
Try saying that
five times fast.
Miss Fine, I'm serious.
He made a pass at C.C.
That's right.
He kissed me.
Another man wanted me,
C.C. Babcock,
for his love toy.
How dare you make
something up like that
just to tear us apart?
I have never...
It is true.
I cannot resist
such beautiful woman.
I was appalled.
Tell her how you said
my skin looked
like white chocolate.
Oh, my God,
you called me
your Reese's piece.
What kind of a man
would do this to a woman?
A Frenchman.
Cheri, I love all women,
but I marry you.
Well, fine,
I love all men.
So when we're married,
I guess it won't
bother you when I do this.
Kissing an English man
is like kissing your mother.
Oh, really?
Then, what about this?
This is no good.
You made your point.
Fran, you do not understand.
In France, men are like bees.
We must pollinate
all the flowers
in the garden.
Well, I'll tell you something.
I don't think
you should be so free
and easy
with your stinger there,
because in this country,
we have what's known
as the Bobbitt bee.
But, cheri, je t'adore.
My pleasure.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, Miss Fine, there, there.
Hey, what do you say
I take you out for
a nice supper?
Oh, no.
I couldn't eat anything.
Maybe a small lobster
and a twice-baked potato.
Why do I listen to you?
I just drove her
straight into his arms.
Well, there's no such
thing as a perfect plan.
Cheers, Caca.
NILES: Hmm?
Say, look at this great
Mother's Day present I got.
50% off on the red dot sale.
Hmm.
Oh, by the way,
here's your magic marker.
Every light in this
entire house is on.
Do you people realize
how much energy
we're wasting here?
Would you just
sign my report card?
Nice try, Brighton.
Oh, B, you failed French.
What are you talking about?
I got a "B."
No, you didn't.
You turned the "F" into a "B"
with a red magic marker.
You know, I am horrified.
Fran, you've gotta promise me
you won't tell Dad
I failed French.
You know what a pain he can be.
Your father?
The most compassionate,
understanding, handsome...
He's standing right behind me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, Brighton.
And you are getting a tutor.
A tutor?
Oh, that's not how you learn
a foreign language.
You gotta go to the country
and immerse yourself
in the culture.
Forget it, Miss Fine.
You're not
getting a trip to Paris.
I tried that when
I wanted to perfect
my Swedish meatballs.
He sent me to Ikea.
Now, you know,
I might not mind
a hot-looking French tutor,
some babe in a short skirt,
spiked heels, a little accent.
Oh, come on,
do you think
your father's gonna
hire a floozy like that
to teach his kids?
Please.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Fran, what are you
doing to the blouse
you bought your mother?
I'm sewing
the size in upside down
so the "L" looks like a "7".
Basically I'm knocking
40 pounds off her
for Mother's Day.
Better you should give her
some grandchildren
before she dies.
How much did she
pay you to say that?
Nothing.
What do I need?
Knock wood.
I live in a beautiful mansion,
and thanks God I got my health.
Oh, can you believe
Ma would lay guilt
on a little girl just
to get what she wants?
I want a kid
so I could do that, too.
Having kids is hard work.
I wouldn't know where to start.
How about by getting a date?
Well, I'll be back shortly.
I'm just going out to lunch
with a friend of mine.
Okay.
Mr. Wilder.
He's getting divorced
for the second time.
Married a beautiful
blond chorus girl.
His poor children
were so attached to her.
Been disinfecting
the extension phone
again, Niles?
Cold and flu season, sir.
(GRUNTS)
Well, the whole thing's
a bloody mess.
I'll tell you,
I'm not gonna remarry
until the children are grown
and out of the house.
Well, wait a minute.
That could be, like, 10 years.
I mean, what if you
met the right girl?
You think she's gonna
wait all that time
to settle down
and start a family?
I don't know.
If she's the right person,
she'll understand.
No, she won't.
(HORN HONKING)
That'll be Mr. Wilder.
He bought a new Bentley to hide
some of the money
from her divorce lawyer.
(CHUCKLES)
Bundle up, sir.
There's just so
much I can do.
Oh, meanwhile, I gotta
spend the whole afternoon
interviewing French
tutors for Brighton.
Well,
what happened to the one
Mr. Sheffield liked, Nannette?
No, no.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll tell you,
it's a good thing
Mr. Sheffield put me
in charge of this,
'cause unlike a man,
I will hire a tutor
based solely on their
academic credentials.
Bonjour.
You're hired.
Miss Fine,
it's 85 degrees in here.
Why did you turn up the heat?
Oh, would you leave me alone?
I'm checking out
the tutor's credentials.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Mighty impressive.
Viva la France.
Oh, croissants.
Croissants.
I never thought
I'd say this to you,
but more nasal.
Niles, I'm an American.
I don't have to
put on some fake accent
just to impress someone.
Allo.
Would you care
for some croissants?
Merci, cheri.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Another time. Once more.
With feelings, huh?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
No. No, no.
You murder the language.
Brighton, say it
as though you were
speaking to
an exquisite woman, huh?
Je t'adore.
Je t'adore.
Je t'adore.
Well, honey,
even I understood that.
Go shut the door.
Come on, guys, it's a Saturday.
I don't want to be
stuck in the house.
Listen, Brighton,
you're not going anywhere
until you pass French.
So just plant your
little derriere on the chair.
Today is a school day.
You should listen to
your beautiful nanny.
Recess.
Forgive me if I stare.
You have such classic features.
You remind me of a Rodin.
Rodan, the pterodactyl
that terrorized Tokyo?
Well, I've been called worse.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
In my country,
a woman as beautiful as you
would have a family of her own
or at least be responsible
for one breaking up.
That is so sweet.
Perhaps you
would like to join
me for dinner tonight?
Oh, Philippe,
that's awfully sweet of you.
But it's
a little last-minute.
I mean,
I already made dinner plans.
But you know what?
Let me just go see
if I can change them.
Okay?
Niles, Niles,
cover up the holes
on the Lean Cuisine
with some tape
and shove it
back in the freezer.
Oh, Fran, you look so pretty.
I've never seen
you in that dress.
Oh, sure you have, honey.
This is the one
that I always pull out
when my relationships start
to get a little serious.
No. I've never seen
you in that dress...
You made your point, honey.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
Philippe.
Bonsoir, Brighton.
He's French.
It's cool, isn't it?
You know, Fran,
maybe I should say
hello to Philippe.
I mean, I don't wanna be rude.
Now, sweetie,
this is Brighton's tutor.
But aren't you failing Italian?
No.
Well, don't you
think you should be?
Yeah.
Bonsoir, Philippe.
Did you study your
French last night?
Well, how's this?
Did I pass the oral exam?
Ah, Philippe,
I see you're exposing
my nanny to your native tongue.
Mr. Sheffield. I'm sorry.
I guess I just have
no French resistance.
Well, neither do the French.
They surrendered in every war
they've ever been in.
That is because
we are lovers,
not fighters.
I believe your
employer is jealous, huh?
Miss Fine, I believe
your date is presumptuous.
One thing
a Frenchman can spot
a mile away is a cuckold.
Oh, really?
Now, you see,
I would have thought
that would have been
a plate of stinky cheese.
Limey.
Frog.
The only good thing to come out
of your country
is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
All right. That does it.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know,
I had a dream like this once.
How long do we have
to put up with that
posturing Frenchman?
And why do they let
so many foreigners
into this country
in the first place?
Crumpet, sir?
Oh, Maxwell,
don't be so selfish.
Philippe and Nanny Fine
are perfect for one another.
You know how
the French love
a fine wine.
Well, now he can listen
to one 24 hours a day.
No sour grapes.
You could have
foreign men worship you, too.
Go to India.
You'd be sacred.
Why is she throwing
herself at him anyway?
I mean, it's not
as if she's never seen
a good-looking man before.
I've been known
to turn a few heads
in my time, right, Niles?
You're a brick
house.
Mighty, mighty.
But perhaps Miss Fine
has reached a point
in her life where
she wants a little more.
What do you mean,
a little more?
Well, you know, sir,
a little something
extra like...
He proposed! He proposed!
...that.
What?
What do you mean he proposed?
Well, I knew
he was up to something
'cause he started with
that "Shut the door.
Shut the door."
Miss Fine,
how could the man
possibly want to marry you?
Pardon moi?
Well, I mean,
he barely even knows you.
Well, some people
know what they want
as soon as they see it
'cause, unlike other people,
they are in touch
with their feelings
and are not afraid
to express them.
Deux points, deux carats.
Just what exactly
are you saying?
What are you saying?
I'm not saying anything.
Bingo! Au revoir.
What?
What's the big news
you couldn't tell me
over the phone?
Happy Mother's Day.
(SCREAMS)
Are you pregnant?
No.
Oh, I can't believe
that Mr. Sheffield
finally proposed to you.
Oh, no, Ma.
It's not Mr. Sheffield.
It's Philippe, the guy
that I've been seeing.
Someone proposed to you
without even meeting
your mother?
Gee, you know,
I never made that
connection before.
Darling, I don't
like this at all.
Oh, Ma,
you're gonna love Philippe.
He is the most passionate,
sensuous man I've ever met.
You should see him
eat a piece of fruit,
tearing it apart
like an animal,
juice dribbling down his chin,
wiping it with his sleeve.
I'll tell you,
he reminds me
a lot of Daddy.
Sweetheart,
don't go by the sex.
Don't go by the looks.
I made that mistake
with your father.
The man that I let
my daughter marry
has to live up to
my standards, darling.
Bonjour, cherie.
My son!
Philippe, Ma.
Ma, don't scare him.
What? Like I don't know
how to talk to a person
from a foreign country?
Hello. I'm Sylvia Fine.
Thank you
for your lovely statue.
We put it in the harbor
so everyone could see it.
That's good, Ma.
Now, it's time to
take your el dopa.
Hello, Sylvia, how are you?
Not kicking myself
like someone else
in this room must be.
Phil, now that
we're mishpocheh,
family, we have so
much to talk about.
Morty and I will pay
for the entire wedding.
Your side will
just pay for the food.
But don't worry,
the Fines are not
big eaters.
Congratulations, Philippe.
Merci, Maxwell.
Snail eater.
Your queen looks like a man.
Are you two at it again?
This is getting ridiculous.
He got you last.
Cheri, we must get ready
for the interview
for our Green Card.
Um...
Philippe, uh,
could you perhaps
clear this up for me?
If you marry Miss Fine,
you get to stay in this
country. Is that right?
You insult me, sir.
I wanted to take her to France
to live in
my brother's chateau,
but she insisted
on remaining here
to take care of your children.
That's right.
The chateau part
was conveniently
left out of the conversation,
but that's right.
Now, about Christmas time,
does your brother
like mishpocheh around?
Bear with me.
The INS has to determine
that yours will not simply
be a marriage of convenience.
Well, I'll tell you,
it was pretty
convenient for me,
'cause if I hadn't
met someone soon,
I was gonna hang myself.
So exactly how long
did you go out with Fran
before you proposed?
All I remember is
getting lost in her eyes,
then she spoke with
a cute little accent,
and I was hers,
body and soul.
Thank God love
is not only blind,
it's deaf, too.
When was she born?
Well, I know she's 26.
That's a rough conversion
from the metric system.
Move on.
What is her favorite food?
Well, we dine on love.
But I never get enough.
I'm always hungry for more.
Oh, can we wrap this up?
I think he's ready for dessert.
Is Miss Fine
the only American woman
you would consider dating...
Considered dating?
Absolument.
The moment our two souls met,
it was an explosion of love.
Have you ever
heard such utter rot?
"Our two souls met in
an explosion of love."
Couldn't you just retch?
Quite right, sir.
Too flowery,
not nearly as seductive as
"Miss Fine!"
No more, please.
I am spent.
(SIGHING)
Hello, Caca.
What?
Is that not what
C.C. stands for?
This is what
the butler told me.
You know,
Philippe, you have made me
the happiest woman on Earth.
And how have I
done that, mon coeur?
By taking Nanny
Fine off my hands...
Arms... Shoulders?
Your skin is like
white chocolate, cheri.
Aren't you engaged
to Nanny Fine?
Oui.
And you think I would condone
this type of scandal with me?
Oui.
Monsieur, I am deeply offended.
Stop it.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Did Caca do
a no-no in the kitchen?
Now she's going to
have to clean it up.
What do you mean?
Well, someone's
got to tell Miss Fine
that she's marrying a cad.
I could never break
her heart like that.
I can.
But I won't.
Destroy Nanny
Fine's relationship
and be stuck with her forever?
You've been inhaling
a little too much
Easy-Off, Beulah.
Big mistake.
If you told, it would make you
so attractive
to Mr. Sheffield.
How?
Well, a handsome man
came onto you.
Remember, boys never want a toy
until another boy
wants to play with it.
Listening.
Besides,
Philippe is a philanderer.
The marriage will never last.
When Miss Fine is devastated,
whose strong,
British arms will be
there to comfort and...
Maxwell!
What shall we put
the bridesmaids in?
Fuchsia or lime green?
No woman looks good
in lime green.
Lime green it is.
Je t'adore.
Okay.
The man is obsessed
with shutting the door.
Miss Fine,
I have something to tell you.
Oh?
Your French fiance
Philippe's a philanderer.
Try saying that
five times fast.
Miss Fine, I'm serious.
He made a pass at C.C.
That's right.
He kissed me.
Another man wanted me,
C.C. Babcock,
for his love toy.
How dare you make
something up like that
just to tear us apart?
I have never...
It is true.
I cannot resist
such beautiful woman.
I was appalled.
Tell her how you said
my skin looked
like white chocolate.
Oh, my God,
you called me
your Reese's piece.
What kind of a man
would do this to a woman?
A Frenchman.
Cheri, I love all women,
but I marry you.
Well, fine,
I love all men.
So when we're married,
I guess it won't
bother you when I do this.
Kissing an English man
is like kissing your mother.
Oh, really?
Then, what about this?
This is no good.
You made your point.
Fran, you do not understand.
In France, men are like bees.
We must pollinate
all the flowers
in the garden.
Well, I'll tell you something.
I don't think
you should be so free
and easy
with your stinger there,
because in this country,
we have what's known
as the Bobbitt bee.
But, cheri, je t'adore.
My pleasure.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, Miss Fine, there, there.
Hey, what do you say
I take you out for
a nice supper?
Oh, no.
I couldn't eat anything.
Maybe a small lobster
and a twice-baked potato.
Why do I listen to you?
I just drove her
straight into his arms.
Well, there's no such
thing as a perfect plan.
Cheers, Caca.