The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 3, Episode 23 - That's Midlife - full transcript
Maxwell's latest play is a flop. He lost a tennis match to just learning tennis player Fran. He has been biting everyone's heads off at the smallest little issues. These issues makes Maxwell reflect on his life, which he thinks has been a total failure. On false pretenses, Fran manages to get Maxwell to see a psychologist to talk about his problems. With the regular psychologist away, Maxwell sees the substitute psychologist, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Her diagnosis of Maxwell: midlife crisis. Her diagnosis is accurate as Maxwell changes his attire from suits and ties to jeans, t-shirts and leather jackets, he buys a Porsche sports car, he dyes the gray streak out of his hair and he wants to quit working. Fran has to figure out how to convince him that his life is a total success. Although she manages to do so, it's not before there's a major failure just before a climax.
Oh, my neck is killing me.
Who ever knew a tennis match
could be so strenuous?
Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.
Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.
Fran, you've never been
to a tournament before?
Well, a Mah Jong tournament.
The only thing that gets
those tushes moving
is to rip the cellophane
off the deli platter.
You know, I came here
to see some famous athletes.
Where's Monica Seles,
Shaq, Joe Montana?
Brighton, just because
they own the place
doesn't mean they're
actually gonna be here
bussing tables.
Hi. I'm Monica Seles.
Welcome to the All Star Cafe.
Oh, my God,
do you know
who this is?
What am I, an idiot?
Honey, can I substitute
slaw for beans?
Miss Fine, this woman has won
every single major tennis
tournament in the world.
Well, actually,
Dad, I don't think
she's won Wimbledon.
You know what?
I'll take her beans.
Oh, Miss Seles,
I am so embarrassed.
I mean, I never
expected you to be serving.
Oh, serving!
I'll send your waiter
right over.
You know, I have always
wanted to learn how to
play tennis.
What happened?
Well, it's a very
big time commitment,
and I was always
very career-oriented.
What happened?
You know, Fran, if you wanted,
I could teach you
how to play tennis.
Oh, well, thanks, B,
but I kind of
have my eye on that
cute blond instructor
at the end of the bar.
Am I not cute?
Am I not blond?
Shut up, Maggie!
Sweetie, let's put it this way,
if things don't work out
between me and gorgeous,
I am all yours.
I'm all yours.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Oh, dear God.
Niles, please tell me
you've cut out
all the reviews of my new play
because they're so good
you're having them framed.
Okay.
Damn it! I was hoping
this show would be my Cats.
Oh, Niles,
what's wrong with me?
I'm-- I'm bloody pitiful.
With all due respect,
sir, there are so many people
in this world
less fortunate than you.
Some are in this very room.
Oh, you mean because
you're just a servant.
Well...
No family, no home of your own.
Mmm-hmm.
No future.
Been doing the same thing
for the last 25 years
that you'll most likely
be doing till the day
you die.
Right. How are you
feeling now, sir?
You know...
You know what's
really bothering me?
Carrying around
that big fat wallet
giving you a hernia?
What did you say?
Tea?
Maxwell, did you read
Vincent Canby's review
in the New York Times?
Oh, it was brutal.
I just put it on the floor
and let Chester give him
a little rebuttal.
C.C., you are amazing.
Thank you, Maxwell.
But don't you want to know why?
Why push?
Oh, hi. Hi, Chester.
Hi, sweetie. Hi.
Oh, gee,
Chester,
if only you were Jewish
with a dog house in Great Neck.
C.C., we just put
our heart and soul
into this new play,
and it bombed.
Why aren't you more upset?
Because Broadway will be dead
in 50 years, but I won't.
Cryonic suspension.
Do you mean you're
gonna have your body
frozen after you die?
Yep. I'm planning
the ultimate revival.
Me.
Nobody wanted
to see the original.
Who'd want to bring it back?
I wouldn't want to come back.
I mean, it would
be so hard to adjust.
You'd feel like
a freak of nature.
You'd have no friends.
Your last date
would have been
100 years ago.
You know what?
Go for it.
I'm even thinking
of having Chester frozen
so we can come back together.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Oh.
Come on, you little hairball.
You know, I should
freeze myself right now.
I mean, here I am,
42 years old,
and what have I really
achieved, hmm?
Produced one mediocre play
after another.
Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
There's a lot of people
much less fortunate than you
right here in this room.
Look at Niles.
Hey, Dad.
So, are you off
to another disastrous day
of tennis with Miss Fine?
Well, I can't today,
but you know what?
She's actually pretty good.
She even taught me
a few things.
Like what?
How to return a serve
when you don't have
the receipt?
Oh, Brighton, come on,
let's go play tennis.
Oh, sorry, Fran.
I gotta read
To Kill a Mockingbird
by Friday.
Oh, Brighton,
I have two words for you.
"Blockbuster Video."
Oh, to enhance
the reading experience.
Perhaps you would
like to go out
and play tennis
with Miss Fine, sir.
Yeah.
Niles, the last thing
I need right now
is a round
of beginner's tennis.
Of course, sir,
you'd completely destroy
and humiliate her,
making her feel like
a bigger loser than you are.
Get my racket.
So, Miss Fine,
are you ready
to play with me?
You bet.
And when we're done,
how about a little tennis?
Little big shot.
So I won a tennis match...
I had the sun in my eyes.
...who cares?
It was no fair.
We weren't even keeping score.
I slaughtered him,
six-four.
I creamed his little English
tokhes.
Get out.
You beat Dad at tennis?
Oh, I'll tell you,
I felt so bad for the guy.
It was really sad.
He had this look on his face,
like when I'm eating
Haagen-Dazs
and my spoon
hits the cardboard.
Oh, this is bad.
Perhaps he'd feel better
if I prepared
his favorite soup.
Cream of English tokhes.
Niles, have this restrung,
would you?
Absolutely, sir.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
Yes, you can make
me some of that soup.
Oh, and you may use
your own tokhes
because it's soon to be canned.
He's got no sense of humor.
That's why his comedy's
a flop.
Niles, he is really going
over the deep end about this.
This must be some kind
of underlying problem.
And do you know what that is?
Daddy's inability to
cope with minor setbacks
indicating a larger and deeper
emotional problem?
Well, there's no point
in me saying it 'cause
she already did.
Well, look, obviously
he needs some therapy.
You know,
maybe Dad should
get some therapy.
It really hurts me
to see him in pain.
Yeah.
Hey, we wouldn't have to
go as a family or anything,
'cause, you know,
I've got dates and stuff.
You people are dreaming
if you think you're gonna
be able to get
Dad into therapy.
Oh, I'll get him there.
And do you know how?
Under false pretenses
by telling him
Dr. Bort needs to talk
to him about me
when in reality
the session's for him?
Well, there's no point
in me saying it 'cause
she already did.
You know,
I always thought that
I'd make a good therapist.
Yes.
Well, I guess you would...
Because I'm really
a good listener,
you know,
and some people
just can't get
a word in edgewise.
Yeah.
That always seems to be...
I mean, it takes
a very sensitive person
to know when someone
needs to talk.
You know,
when the doctor comes in,
you could chime in
once in a while.
I'm terribly sorry.
Dr. Bort has been called away,
but her associate can see you.
Oh, but when will she be back?
I don't want some
second-rate associate.
(GASPS)
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I'm filling in for Dr. Bort.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, who cares about that loser?
Was she ever
on Hollywood Squares?
Oh, Dr. Brothers,
I have read every
one of your books.
The Language of Feeling.
That's David Viscott.
The Ten Stupid Things Women Do.
Laura Schlessinger.
You're Much Taller In Person.
Dr. Ruth.
Well, enough about you.
Tick-tock.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Now, the reason why
I made this appointment
for Mr. Sheffield...
W-What? Wait a minute.
You mean
you brought me here
under false pretenses?
You know, I told Gracie
that was a bad idea.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I don't need
any bloody therapy.
No, you don't.
Are you Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?
Yes, that's right.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'm a very busy man,
so I'll...
I just loved your new show.
I thought the reviews
were completely off the mark.
Well, I suppose I could
stay for a little while.
Wow! You are good.
For your information,
I have written 10 bestsellers.
Let it go, Joyce.
Now, why are we here?
Well, the fact is,
Dr. Brothers,
there's nothing wrong with me.
My--My last show failed,
so I've just been
in a little bit of
a bad mood lately.
That's all.
(SCOFFS) A bad mood?
You have been biting
everyone's head off,
left and right.
Watch this.
I sat on some Junior Mints
on your new suede chair.
(YELLS) You what?
Can you believe what
I have to live with?
Do you know what
your problem is?
You don't know
how it feels to fail
at something you put
so much effort into.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you know
that new suede chair
with the Junior Mint stain?
I tried to color in the rest
with brown Magic Marker.
A huge failure. Happy?
Look, I don't know
why everyone wants to make
such an issue out of this.
The fact is I just
have to come to grips
with the fact that
I am 42 years old,
and despite having
every opportunity
money can buy,
my life has amounted to zip.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Let him go.
He's just going through
a little midlife crisis.
It's very common
among men his age.
Oh, you know,
I've read about that.
Next thing you know,
he'll be trying to
prove his virility
in the arms of the next
gorgeous young thing
to cross his path.
Out of my way, Joyce.
Oh, this book is fascinating.
It chronicles the stages
of your life by decades.
Mmm-hmm.
Look at this.
"Women in their 30s
often lie about their age."
Oh, I know so many women
like that.
Mmm.
Here's me, the 20s.
Oh, Niles, how did
you handle midlife crisis
back when you were in your 40s?
I think I killed
someone who lied
about being in their 20s.
You two are not
going to believe this.
I got a message
on my answering machine.
Oh, my God.
Crack the champagne.
I am so happy for you, dear.
Very funny, Mrs. Doubtfire.
Maxwell is quitting
the theater.
Oh, he is a classic
textbook case.
If Maxwell leaves the theater,
what am I gonna do?
Oh, you were born rich.
Retire.
Go spend time
with all your friends,
and when you come back,
you can lick the spoon.
Oh, look, Dr. Brothers
said it'll probably pass.
I mean, at least it's not
like when my father went
through his midlife crisis.
He wanted Ma
to get into swinging.
What happened?
Well, the other swingers
saw them.
Fran, Fran,
you gotta hide me, quick.
What? What's wrong?
MAXWELL: Hey, Mags,
what do you say
we hit Tower Records, hey?
Cruise the bins.
Fran, help me.
Help me so much.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Sheffield,
Maggie cannot go
to the record store
because I caught her
smoking and drinking.
What? You are grounded
for three weeks, young lady.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
If he's not over this by then,
I'll tell him you're pregnant.
Maxwell, I'm only saying this
because I am thinking of you.
Why are you doing this to me?
C.C., life is short.
You should go back
to doing what you did
when you were young.
Oh, sir, there's
so little call nowadays
for Civil War nurses.
Miss Babcock,
you're being so selfish.
I mean,
this man is questioning
the very meaning of his life.
You died your gray streak?
What the hell
is wrong with you?
I happen to like it.
I think it takes
10 years off.
Catch you later, babe.
That was my gray streak.
I caused it,
and it was mine to remove.
Were those Brighton's jeans?
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so pathetic
seeing someone
trying to desperately
recapture their youth
by dyeing their hair
and wearing
skin-tight clothes.
Oh, you know,
I shouldn't be
so hard on him.
I mean, who knows?
Someday, the same thing
could happen to me.
Oh, Ma, you're on a diet?
You can tell already?
Actually,
your can gave it away.
Oh, thank you.
Have some, darling.
It's delicious.
Mmm. What's in this?
You just add powder
and some non-fat milk
and ice cream.
Ice cubes, Ma.
The ice cream
gives you a little body.
No, it doesn't.
Ma, I need some advice.
Mr. Sheffield is going through
a midlife crisis,
and I don't know how
to pull him out of it.
Marry him.
Well, how's that
gonna help him?
Who cares?
Better we should be happy.
Just be grateful
that he's not going through
what your father
went through in the '70s.
Do you remember this?
That's Daddy's old
Mod Squad toupee.
I can't believe
you held onto it.
It's non-abrasive on Teflon.
Why's he going through
a midlife crisis, anyway?
I mean, just because
he's over 40
and his play's a flop,
and I beat him at tennis.
What?
Have I taught you nothing?
You never beat
a man at anything
until after you're married.
Is that how Daddy won
that pie-eating contest
on your first date?
It wasn't easy.
It was chocolate cream.
(FRAN EXCLAIMING)
Ma, what you did for love.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
MAXWELL: Miss Fine.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield?
Oh, my God.
Ma, look at what he did.
He bought himself a Porsche.
Now, what does he think
that's gonna get him?
Mrs. Feldman's daughter,
Mrs. Lieberman's daughter,
Mrs. Winetraub's daughter.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ma, lower the fire escape.
I'm going in.
Hi. I'm Dotty.
You new here in the building?
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Oh, well, actually,
I'm just...
I'm talking here, Vito.
My fiance.
If you like me, I'll dump him.
Are you stalled?
Do you need a jump?
FRAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!
If anybody's gonna jump him,
it's gonna be me.
Keep moving.
Come on, you gold diggers.
Dotty, you're engaged.
Haven't you ever seen
a single, gorgeous
millionaire before?
(EXCLAIMING)
SYLVIA: Louder, Fran,
they didn't hear you
in Jersey.
Mr. Sheffield,
what are you
trying to prove?
I'm not trying
to prove anything,
Miss Fine.
I'm just trying to
enjoy the rest of my life.
So I'm not successful.
So what?
Everyone has a flop
every now and again.
Even Andrew Lloyd Webber had...
Well, let's just
get in the car.
Oh, what are you talking about?
You're the most
successful person I know.
Miss Fine,
you don't understand.
I had a privileged upbringing.
I should have achieved
much more than I did.
I wasn't brought up
like you just to find
a husband and get married.
Well, finding
a husband isn't all I want.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, come on, can we just move?
Because she's got
a frozen lasagna up there
that could wipe us both out.
Look, all I'm saying
is that you didn't have
the same advantages that I had.
I--I was sent
to the best schools
money could buy.
Yeah. Well, meanwhile,
your parents sent you away
when you were six years old.
I mean,
where were they when
you lost your first tooth?
Hi, how you doing?
On safari in South Africa.
But they sent me a Kruggerand
to my headmaster
to put under my pillow.
Uh-huh.
You know, how many times
did you get
to run into your mother
and father's bedroom
when it was thunder
and lightning out?
Well, I tried once.
But by the time I got there,
the storm had passed.
Very big house.
Sounds like I was the one
with the privileged upbringing.
I mean, I come
from a very close
and loving family.
Am I bleeding?
I think it's just
raspberry filling.
Hmm.
You know, a lot of people
with your kind of money
would have just sat back
and nightclubbed
with the jet setters.
That would have been my route.
But you went to work, mister.
You know, you're right.
I--I came to this country
all by myself.
Yes, you did.
Started a very
successful business
out of nothing.
Plus you raised
three terrific kids
absolutely without
any help from anyone.
Wait a minute.
It's true. It's true.
You know, I really
haven't done that
badly at all,
considering I was
bloody handicapped
emotionally.
Please, you're completely
dysfunctional.
Feel better?
(CHUCKLES)
Yes. Yes, Miss Fine,
as a matter of fact, I do.
I feel a lot better.
Thank you very much.
Now, um,
while I'm still feeling
a little bit impulsive,
what do you say, you and me,
one last hurrah?
Mr. Sheffield.
Isn't this thrilling,
Miss Fine?
(MUMBLING)
What a machine!
Just feel it vibrate.
Yeah.
But who can enjoy it?
I'm not really used to
driving on this side
of the road,
so if I start drifting over,
just let me know.
All right?
Okay. Drifting over!
Drifting over!
All right.
Let's really gun it, huh?
Hang on, Miss Fine.
(TIRES SKIDDING)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Wait! Wait!
I just had such a flashback
to my old boyfriend.
Who ever knew a tennis match
could be so strenuous?
Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.
Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.
Fran, you've never been
to a tournament before?
Well, a Mah Jong tournament.
The only thing that gets
those tushes moving
is to rip the cellophane
off the deli platter.
You know, I came here
to see some famous athletes.
Where's Monica Seles,
Shaq, Joe Montana?
Brighton, just because
they own the place
doesn't mean they're
actually gonna be here
bussing tables.
Hi. I'm Monica Seles.
Welcome to the All Star Cafe.
Oh, my God,
do you know
who this is?
What am I, an idiot?
Honey, can I substitute
slaw for beans?
Miss Fine, this woman has won
every single major tennis
tournament in the world.
Well, actually,
Dad, I don't think
she's won Wimbledon.
You know what?
I'll take her beans.
Oh, Miss Seles,
I am so embarrassed.
I mean, I never
expected you to be serving.
Oh, serving!
I'll send your waiter
right over.
You know, I have always
wanted to learn how to
play tennis.
What happened?
Well, it's a very
big time commitment,
and I was always
very career-oriented.
What happened?
You know, Fran, if you wanted,
I could teach you
how to play tennis.
Oh, well, thanks, B,
but I kind of
have my eye on that
cute blond instructor
at the end of the bar.
Am I not cute?
Am I not blond?
Shut up, Maggie!
Sweetie, let's put it this way,
if things don't work out
between me and gorgeous,
I am all yours.
I'm all yours.
♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out
♪ in one of those
crushing scenes
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go?
♪ She was out on her fanny
♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door
♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more
♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there!
♪ That's how
she became the nanny!
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described
♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?
♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling
♪ Watch out, C.C.!
♪ And the kids
are actually smiling
♪ Such joie de vivre!
♪ She's the lady in red
when everybody else
is wearing tan
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing
♪ The nanny named Fran!
Oh, dear God.
Niles, please tell me
you've cut out
all the reviews of my new play
because they're so good
you're having them framed.
Okay.
Damn it! I was hoping
this show would be my Cats.
Oh, Niles,
what's wrong with me?
I'm-- I'm bloody pitiful.
With all due respect,
sir, there are so many people
in this world
less fortunate than you.
Some are in this very room.
Oh, you mean because
you're just a servant.
Well...
No family, no home of your own.
Mmm-hmm.
No future.
Been doing the same thing
for the last 25 years
that you'll most likely
be doing till the day
you die.
Right. How are you
feeling now, sir?
You know...
You know what's
really bothering me?
Carrying around
that big fat wallet
giving you a hernia?
What did you say?
Tea?
Maxwell, did you read
Vincent Canby's review
in the New York Times?
Oh, it was brutal.
I just put it on the floor
and let Chester give him
a little rebuttal.
C.C., you are amazing.
Thank you, Maxwell.
But don't you want to know why?
Why push?
Oh, hi. Hi, Chester.
Hi, sweetie. Hi.
Oh, gee,
Chester,
if only you were Jewish
with a dog house in Great Neck.
C.C., we just put
our heart and soul
into this new play,
and it bombed.
Why aren't you more upset?
Because Broadway will be dead
in 50 years, but I won't.
Cryonic suspension.
Do you mean you're
gonna have your body
frozen after you die?
Yep. I'm planning
the ultimate revival.
Me.
Nobody wanted
to see the original.
Who'd want to bring it back?
I wouldn't want to come back.
I mean, it would
be so hard to adjust.
You'd feel like
a freak of nature.
You'd have no friends.
Your last date
would have been
100 years ago.
You know what?
Go for it.
I'm even thinking
of having Chester frozen
so we can come back together.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Oh.
Come on, you little hairball.
You know, I should
freeze myself right now.
I mean, here I am,
42 years old,
and what have I really
achieved, hmm?
Produced one mediocre play
after another.
Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
There's a lot of people
much less fortunate than you
right here in this room.
Look at Niles.
Hey, Dad.
So, are you off
to another disastrous day
of tennis with Miss Fine?
Well, I can't today,
but you know what?
She's actually pretty good.
She even taught me
a few things.
Like what?
How to return a serve
when you don't have
the receipt?
Oh, Brighton, come on,
let's go play tennis.
Oh, sorry, Fran.
I gotta read
To Kill a Mockingbird
by Friday.
Oh, Brighton,
I have two words for you.
"Blockbuster Video."
Oh, to enhance
the reading experience.
Perhaps you would
like to go out
and play tennis
with Miss Fine, sir.
Yeah.
Niles, the last thing
I need right now
is a round
of beginner's tennis.
Of course, sir,
you'd completely destroy
and humiliate her,
making her feel like
a bigger loser than you are.
Get my racket.
So, Miss Fine,
are you ready
to play with me?
You bet.
And when we're done,
how about a little tennis?
Little big shot.
So I won a tennis match...
I had the sun in my eyes.
...who cares?
It was no fair.
We weren't even keeping score.
I slaughtered him,
six-four.
I creamed his little English
tokhes.
Get out.
You beat Dad at tennis?
Oh, I'll tell you,
I felt so bad for the guy.
It was really sad.
He had this look on his face,
like when I'm eating
Haagen-Dazs
and my spoon
hits the cardboard.
Oh, this is bad.
Perhaps he'd feel better
if I prepared
his favorite soup.
Cream of English tokhes.
Niles, have this restrung,
would you?
Absolutely, sir.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
Yes, you can make
me some of that soup.
Oh, and you may use
your own tokhes
because it's soon to be canned.
He's got no sense of humor.
That's why his comedy's
a flop.
Niles, he is really going
over the deep end about this.
This must be some kind
of underlying problem.
And do you know what that is?
Daddy's inability to
cope with minor setbacks
indicating a larger and deeper
emotional problem?
Well, there's no point
in me saying it 'cause
she already did.
Well, look, obviously
he needs some therapy.
You know,
maybe Dad should
get some therapy.
It really hurts me
to see him in pain.
Yeah.
Hey, we wouldn't have to
go as a family or anything,
'cause, you know,
I've got dates and stuff.
You people are dreaming
if you think you're gonna
be able to get
Dad into therapy.
Oh, I'll get him there.
And do you know how?
Under false pretenses
by telling him
Dr. Bort needs to talk
to him about me
when in reality
the session's for him?
Well, there's no point
in me saying it 'cause
she already did.
You know,
I always thought that
I'd make a good therapist.
Yes.
Well, I guess you would...
Because I'm really
a good listener,
you know,
and some people
just can't get
a word in edgewise.
Yeah.
That always seems to be...
I mean, it takes
a very sensitive person
to know when someone
needs to talk.
You know,
when the doctor comes in,
you could chime in
once in a while.
I'm terribly sorry.
Dr. Bort has been called away,
but her associate can see you.
Oh, but when will she be back?
I don't want some
second-rate associate.
(GASPS)
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I'm filling in for Dr. Bort.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, who cares about that loser?
Was she ever
on Hollywood Squares?
Oh, Dr. Brothers,
I have read every
one of your books.
The Language of Feeling.
That's David Viscott.
The Ten Stupid Things Women Do.
Laura Schlessinger.
You're Much Taller In Person.
Dr. Ruth.
Well, enough about you.
Tick-tock.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Now, the reason why
I made this appointment
for Mr. Sheffield...
W-What? Wait a minute.
You mean
you brought me here
under false pretenses?
You know, I told Gracie
that was a bad idea.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I don't need
any bloody therapy.
No, you don't.
Are you Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?
Yes, that's right.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'm a very busy man,
so I'll...
I just loved your new show.
I thought the reviews
were completely off the mark.
Well, I suppose I could
stay for a little while.
Wow! You are good.
For your information,
I have written 10 bestsellers.
Let it go, Joyce.
Now, why are we here?
Well, the fact is,
Dr. Brothers,
there's nothing wrong with me.
My--My last show failed,
so I've just been
in a little bit of
a bad mood lately.
That's all.
(SCOFFS) A bad mood?
You have been biting
everyone's head off,
left and right.
Watch this.
I sat on some Junior Mints
on your new suede chair.
(YELLS) You what?
Can you believe what
I have to live with?
Do you know what
your problem is?
You don't know
how it feels to fail
at something you put
so much effort into.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you know
that new suede chair
with the Junior Mint stain?
I tried to color in the rest
with brown Magic Marker.
A huge failure. Happy?
Look, I don't know
why everyone wants to make
such an issue out of this.
The fact is I just
have to come to grips
with the fact that
I am 42 years old,
and despite having
every opportunity
money can buy,
my life has amounted to zip.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
Let him go.
He's just going through
a little midlife crisis.
It's very common
among men his age.
Oh, you know,
I've read about that.
Next thing you know,
he'll be trying to
prove his virility
in the arms of the next
gorgeous young thing
to cross his path.
Out of my way, Joyce.
Oh, this book is fascinating.
It chronicles the stages
of your life by decades.
Mmm-hmm.
Look at this.
"Women in their 30s
often lie about their age."
Oh, I know so many women
like that.
Mmm.
Here's me, the 20s.
Oh, Niles, how did
you handle midlife crisis
back when you were in your 40s?
I think I killed
someone who lied
about being in their 20s.
You two are not
going to believe this.
I got a message
on my answering machine.
Oh, my God.
Crack the champagne.
I am so happy for you, dear.
Very funny, Mrs. Doubtfire.
Maxwell is quitting
the theater.
Oh, he is a classic
textbook case.
If Maxwell leaves the theater,
what am I gonna do?
Oh, you were born rich.
Retire.
Go spend time
with all your friends,
and when you come back,
you can lick the spoon.
Oh, look, Dr. Brothers
said it'll probably pass.
I mean, at least it's not
like when my father went
through his midlife crisis.
He wanted Ma
to get into swinging.
What happened?
Well, the other swingers
saw them.
Fran, Fran,
you gotta hide me, quick.
What? What's wrong?
MAXWELL: Hey, Mags,
what do you say
we hit Tower Records, hey?
Cruise the bins.
Fran, help me.
Help me so much.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Sheffield,
Maggie cannot go
to the record store
because I caught her
smoking and drinking.
What? You are grounded
for three weeks, young lady.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
If he's not over this by then,
I'll tell him you're pregnant.
Maxwell, I'm only saying this
because I am thinking of you.
Why are you doing this to me?
C.C., life is short.
You should go back
to doing what you did
when you were young.
Oh, sir, there's
so little call nowadays
for Civil War nurses.
Miss Babcock,
you're being so selfish.
I mean,
this man is questioning
the very meaning of his life.
You died your gray streak?
What the hell
is wrong with you?
I happen to like it.
I think it takes
10 years off.
Catch you later, babe.
That was my gray streak.
I caused it,
and it was mine to remove.
Were those Brighton's jeans?
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so pathetic
seeing someone
trying to desperately
recapture their youth
by dyeing their hair
and wearing
skin-tight clothes.
Oh, you know,
I shouldn't be
so hard on him.
I mean, who knows?
Someday, the same thing
could happen to me.
Oh, Ma, you're on a diet?
You can tell already?
Actually,
your can gave it away.
Oh, thank you.
Have some, darling.
It's delicious.
Mmm. What's in this?
You just add powder
and some non-fat milk
and ice cream.
Ice cubes, Ma.
The ice cream
gives you a little body.
No, it doesn't.
Ma, I need some advice.
Mr. Sheffield is going through
a midlife crisis,
and I don't know how
to pull him out of it.
Marry him.
Well, how's that
gonna help him?
Who cares?
Better we should be happy.
Just be grateful
that he's not going through
what your father
went through in the '70s.
Do you remember this?
That's Daddy's old
Mod Squad toupee.
I can't believe
you held onto it.
It's non-abrasive on Teflon.
Why's he going through
a midlife crisis, anyway?
I mean, just because
he's over 40
and his play's a flop,
and I beat him at tennis.
What?
Have I taught you nothing?
You never beat
a man at anything
until after you're married.
Is that how Daddy won
that pie-eating contest
on your first date?
It wasn't easy.
It was chocolate cream.
(FRAN EXCLAIMING)
Ma, what you did for love.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
MAXWELL: Miss Fine.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield?
Oh, my God.
Ma, look at what he did.
He bought himself a Porsche.
Now, what does he think
that's gonna get him?
Mrs. Feldman's daughter,
Mrs. Lieberman's daughter,
Mrs. Winetraub's daughter.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ma, lower the fire escape.
I'm going in.
Hi. I'm Dotty.
You new here in the building?
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Oh, well, actually,
I'm just...
I'm talking here, Vito.
My fiance.
If you like me, I'll dump him.
Are you stalled?
Do you need a jump?
FRAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!
If anybody's gonna jump him,
it's gonna be me.
Keep moving.
Come on, you gold diggers.
Dotty, you're engaged.
Haven't you ever seen
a single, gorgeous
millionaire before?
(EXCLAIMING)
SYLVIA: Louder, Fran,
they didn't hear you
in Jersey.
Mr. Sheffield,
what are you
trying to prove?
I'm not trying
to prove anything,
Miss Fine.
I'm just trying to
enjoy the rest of my life.
So I'm not successful.
So what?
Everyone has a flop
every now and again.
Even Andrew Lloyd Webber had...
Well, let's just
get in the car.
Oh, what are you talking about?
You're the most
successful person I know.
Miss Fine,
you don't understand.
I had a privileged upbringing.
I should have achieved
much more than I did.
I wasn't brought up
like you just to find
a husband and get married.
Well, finding
a husband isn't all I want.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, come on, can we just move?
Because she's got
a frozen lasagna up there
that could wipe us both out.
Look, all I'm saying
is that you didn't have
the same advantages that I had.
I--I was sent
to the best schools
money could buy.
Yeah. Well, meanwhile,
your parents sent you away
when you were six years old.
I mean,
where were they when
you lost your first tooth?
Hi, how you doing?
On safari in South Africa.
But they sent me a Kruggerand
to my headmaster
to put under my pillow.
Uh-huh.
You know, how many times
did you get
to run into your mother
and father's bedroom
when it was thunder
and lightning out?
Well, I tried once.
But by the time I got there,
the storm had passed.
Very big house.
Sounds like I was the one
with the privileged upbringing.
I mean, I come
from a very close
and loving family.
Am I bleeding?
I think it's just
raspberry filling.
Hmm.
You know, a lot of people
with your kind of money
would have just sat back
and nightclubbed
with the jet setters.
That would have been my route.
But you went to work, mister.
You know, you're right.
I--I came to this country
all by myself.
Yes, you did.
Started a very
successful business
out of nothing.
Plus you raised
three terrific kids
absolutely without
any help from anyone.
Wait a minute.
It's true. It's true.
You know, I really
haven't done that
badly at all,
considering I was
bloody handicapped
emotionally.
Please, you're completely
dysfunctional.
Feel better?
(CHUCKLES)
Yes. Yes, Miss Fine,
as a matter of fact, I do.
I feel a lot better.
Thank you very much.
Now, um,
while I'm still feeling
a little bit impulsive,
what do you say, you and me,
one last hurrah?
Mr. Sheffield.
Isn't this thrilling,
Miss Fine?
(MUMBLING)
What a machine!
Just feel it vibrate.
Yeah.
But who can enjoy it?
I'm not really used to
driving on this side
of the road,
so if I start drifting over,
just let me know.
All right?
Okay. Drifting over!
Drifting over!
All right.
Let's really gun it, huh?
Hang on, Miss Fine.
(TIRES SKIDDING)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Wait! Wait!
I just had such a flashback
to my old boyfriend.