The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 2, Episode 1 - Fran-Lite - full transcript
It's the start of the school year, and both Maggie and Grace are excited to return to school. Brighton, who is just starting high school, is however traumatized. In the gym locker room, he finds he is "smaller" than all the other boys. Both Fran but especially Maxwell are concerned for Brighton's psyche. However Fran gets her head out of the gutter long enough to understand Brighton's real problem. Meanwhile, Maxwell is again on Esquire Magazine's list of the most eligible bachelors, which he does not enjoy as he is still not ready to date. Wanting to help him have more of a social life, Fran and Val drag him out to a nightclub. He has a good time on this night out as he meets, in his own words, "the most incredible woman" named Leslie. Leslie not only has a striking resemblance to Fran, but also has all her mannerisms. But neither Maxwell or Fran see the resemblance. As much as he likes her (and for that matter, as much as Fran likes her), Maxwell decides that Leslie is not quite the one and that something is missing. Perhaps it's a certain something that a certain nanny has instead.
I'm gonna miss you
too, sweetie,
but it's
the first day of school.
♪They're going back
to school, hah!
♪ Going back
To school, hah! ♪
- ♪ Going back
- To school, hah! ♪
♪ Going back
to school, ah!
Oh, Niles, this sandwich
feels a little stale.
Well, I made them in June
in anticipation
of this blessed event.
Fran?
Fran.
Hi, honey.
What? What?
How do I look?
Gorgeous, always.
Oh, wait.
Oh, my God.
Look how tall you got.
I can hardly reach.
Oh, my God.
I got too tall?
What am I gonna do?
Oh.
Somebody's gotta clean
the Statue of Liberty.
Shut up, Brighton.
Honey, you're gorgeous,
don't worry.
In high school, they stop
making fun of the tall girls.
It's the girls
with BO that's gotta worry.
Sorry I'm late.
I was on the phone
with my therapist.
I had the unicorn dream
again last night.
Oh, these shrinks, they read
something into everything.
Honey, a unicorn is nothing more
than a big horse with a long...
If you need therapy,
I need to be committed.
All right, children, the
limo's waiting. Time to go.
Oh. You heard
your father.
Scram.
Scram.
Whoops!
Ah, first day of school
already, huh?
Summer just flew by.
Spoken by a man who did not see
The Lion King
♪ She was workin'
In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪
But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would've guessed
That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Home alone.
No more Pog.
No moreMighty Morphin
Power Rangers,
and alas...
no more Nintendo.
What happened to the Nintendo?
I accidentally pounded it
repeatedly with a meat mallet.
Niles!
Couldn't have thought of that
two months ago?
Oh, Niles, look!
Esquire
"Most Eligible Bachelor" list.
Ohh, they retired John-John.
You know, no offense to
Daryl, but, if you recall,
Caroline found happiness
with a Schlossberg.
Jackie finds happiness
with a Tempelsman.
Maybe John-John
should've stopped by
a few Hadassah meetings.
Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's
moved up to third place.
Oh, yeah. Oh, say hello
to bachelor number three.
- Oh, not you too.
- What?
I've been bombarded all morning
with faxes and telephone calls.
Women who want to date me,
women who want
to have my children,
and this one wants to...
Oh, good God!
I'll follow up on that one, sir.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think it's an honor.
Look, you're right
behind Prince Edward
and the former Mayor Koch.
I'll tell you,
just my opinion,
but if those two ever met,
you could move
straight up to number one.
I don't want to be
number one, Miss Fine.
I don't want to be
on the damn list at all.
I'm a widower, for God's
sakes, not a bachelor.
And the difference
would be, uh...?
Well, a bachelor makes you
think of dancing till dawn,
champagne for breakfast
and black satin sheets.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad
we never met in a past life.
Miss Fine, I'm quite
content with my life.
I have my family,
I have my work.
Well, you know what they say.
All work and no play
makes a man...
Rich enough to pay our salaries.
All right. Playtime's over.
Make some money.
Yeah, look...
Miss Fine, I appreciate
your concern, I really
do,
but I'm just not ready
to date yet, all right?
Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up.
I just came in for a fruit.
Oh, I'll tell you,
it just makes me so sad.
Here it is five years
later, and he still feels
like he'd be
cheating on his wife.
It's a classic widower syndrome.
VERY astute, Miss Fine.
Oprah?
Courtship of Eddie's Father.
You know, I never thought
I'd say this, but...
I kinda miss the kids.
- Shut up,
- Brighton.
I'm over it.
We're home.
Hey! How was
your first day back?
Oh, I love school.
They opened a coffee shop
across the street,
and they only hired
really cute college guys.
And for this,
your father pays seven grand?
Was it directly across
the street or catty-corner?
Fran, I love second grade.
The conversations
on the monkey bars
were so stimulating.
Ooh!
Some of life's best moments
are spent
hanging from your knees with
your skirt over your head.
I hate junior high!
I'm never going back.
Oh, now, don't panic.
It's just the first day.
Oh, he'll go back.
He will go back, won't he?
Well, if he doesn't,
we'll have to hire a tutor.
And then he'll be home
all the time.
Brighton!
Brighton, honey,
you wannna talk about it?
No.
Okay.
On the other hand,
I think I'd feel too guilty
cashing my paycheck this week.
Come on, B, I'm your nanny.
You can talk to me
about anything.
Except computers. Those things
throw me into a tailspin.
Never mind.
It's too embarrassing.
Honey, you're talking
to a woman whose underpants
fell off in
the middle of Bloomingdale's.
Really?
What did you do?
I kicked them down
to the Lancôme counter
and kept on walking.
Well, there are just some
things a girl wouldn't understand.
I'm not a girl, I'm a nanny.
Anything you say goes no further
than this room.
I'm like a priest.
Well, not exactly a priest
'cause priests are celibate and
I'm...
Actually, I could be a priest.
No, not with that Nehru collar.
I like a nice scoop neck,
a V, off-the-shoulder's nice,
all good for me, but a Nehru...
All right, all right!
I'll tell you.
We were in the locker room
after gym...
And?
Fran, I'm smaller
than everyone else.
Smaller?
How?
Just forget it.
It's too humiliating.
Well, what could be
so humiliating
about being smaller
in the locker room?
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but we've got a problem.
And, boy, you are never
gonna guess this one.
Just make it short.
You...
You guessed.
Niles, do you need
to speak with me as well?
Oh, no, sir.
I simply wanted to be here
in person for this one.
Brighton was in gym class,
and, well,
when he looked around,
compared to all the other boys,
he's...small.
Small?
You know, like in "petite"...
"poquito"...
"gherkin".
Oh.
And the poor guy's really upset.
What are we gonna do?
Yes.
C.C., would you excuse us?
I have to have a word
with Miss Fine.
If I go, he goes.
Yes, of course.
Niles.
What did I do?
Niles!
Well, now you've
ruined it for everybody.
So...
So...
Brighton, huh?
Are you sure?
But he has such big feet.
I suppose I'll just
have to sit him down
and have a man-to-man
talk with him.
Either that or buy him
a really big car.
Ah, Brighton.
Oh. Yeah, Dad?
I think we should
have a little talk.
I mean, not a little
Well, it might...
It might start out little,
but get big later.
N-not that a...
Not that a big talk
is necessarily any better
than a little talk.
The...the size of the talk
is really not important, is
it?
Any questions so far?
Have you seen my Nintendo?
Val, can you put
my hairbrush in your purse?
I can if you carry my mace.
Put your mace in your pocket.
I got my Totes rain
hat in there.
Well, if you put on
your Totes rain hat,
you're not gonna need that mace.
Oh, Val, look at him
sittin' there alone like a dog.
Yeah, meanwhile,
we're gonna miss
the number 5 bus.
But how is this possible?
I mean, he's handsome,
he's young.
All right, he's 42,
but he's a nice man,
a good catch, true?
True.
Ladies, please!
I am not in the Cone of Silence.
Val, your voice traveled.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
come with us.
No, really. It's...
it's very generous of you,
but I-I have
a full evening planned.
Yeah, it'll give me a chance
to, er, finish the book.
Ooh,Webster's.
Let me know how it ends.
Well, all right, then,
I can spend the evening with...
Maggie!
We'll go to Rumpelmayer's and...
um...
have great big sundaes
with nuts and bananas,
what d'you say?
Uh, well, it's kinda
the first day of school.
I was gonna meet
up with some kids
and have some actual fun.
Ah.
Bye.
Come on, Mr. Sheffield,
come with us.
It's supposed to be
a really great club.
No, I-I already told you,
I'm not ready to date.
What date?
We're just three friends
sharing a cab.
Or in this case, your limo.
What does he know from clubs?
Excuse me!
Studio 54, Annabel's, Tramp's.
Maxwell Sheffield was there.
Oh, you hear that, Val?
He got down, he got funky.
Ladies, to the limo.
All right.
But who's gonna hit on us
if we're with a guy?
Oh, just let me
take care of that.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm
so happy that you're coming.
You're really gonna
have a wonderful time.
Oh, just one last thing.
You don't know us,
we've never seen you
before,
and I might have to tell
a few people you're gay.
Oh, is this a great club,
or what?
We haven't been inside yet.
Oh, we never get inside.
You get inside?
Val!
Oh, Fran, there's a cute guy
over there checking you out.
Where?
Where?
Ooh, he is
I think you're losing him.
I wonder why.
Oh, sorry. Forgot.
Don't even know you.
Oh, my God,
is that Alec Baldwin?
No, I think it's Billy.
Wait, I think it's Daniel.
Oh, it's Stephen.
- Maxwell Sheffield?
- Yes.
Please, please, follow me.
Oh.
Oh, my God, we're getting in.
And you didn't wanna bring him.
Excuse me.
- Are they with you?
- Er...
No, don't know them.
Never saw them.
Perfect strangers.
Mr. Sheffield...
Oh, and I might be gay.
Want a jelly doughnut?
Sure, why not?
You know, I'm gonna write
those people at Exxon a letter.
They do a beautiful restroom.
Whoever cleaned that toilet
should be sent straight
to Prince Edward Sound.
Mm.
Mm, mm.
Here he is.
Mr. Sheffield, we're over here!
- Oh, fantastic club.
- Mmm.
You can't even move
on that dance floor.
So what did
the two of you think?
Oh, it's like nothing
we've ever seen before.
Ever.
I met the most incredible woman.
Get outta here.
You met someone?
Yeah. J-just wait here.
I want you to meet her.
Can you believe he met someone?
I'm wearing the Wonderbra,
and he gets lucky?
I wonder who she is.
Oh, you know, he's so naive.
I just hope he doesn't
come walking out with RuPaul.
Mm.
Val, Fran, this is Leslie.
Love the coat!
Oh, my God.
He's a Schprocket.
Niles, have the chauffeur
bring the limo around, would you?
I'm taking Leslie out
to a gallery opening in SoHo,
then on for dinner
and dancing at Match's.
The man's got a life
and I don't.
It's a world gone mad.
So, what is
the mystery woman like?
Well, she's got a lot of hair,
she wears a lot of makeup
and very flashy clothes.
All in all, I'd say it was
a very attractive package.
Oh, I'll get it.
Niles, you know, you don't
have to keep announcing that.
It's your job.
Believe me, no one's
gonna horn in on ya.
Hello.
Hello.
What?
What?
N-nothing, uh,
just stay right here
until I go get Miss Babcock.
Mr. Sheffield,
Leslie's here.
Take your time.
Come along.
Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come...
Niles, what is
so damn important?
Hi.
Hi.
Good god, it's multiplying.
I'd like you
to meet Miss Babcock.
This is Mr. Sheffield's
business partner.
This is Leslie.
I love your hair.
Who does your color?
Oh, it's natural.
Well, I think it's
very distasteful of Maxwell
to be dating so soon.
Isn't a decade
the standard period of mourning?
Die, and let's find out.
Some house, huh?
Boy, when I first
came here from Queens,
I never thought I'd live
in a house this big.
Tell me about it.
When I left Brooklyn
and became a CPA...
wouldn't you know it,
I had a hard time
finding a place to live.
Oh, I hear ya.
Niles, would you ice this
and put it in the limo?
Oh, certainly, sir.
There's a good man.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
If you don't mind my asking...
doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?
Oh, so you noticed it too.
Well, it is rather obvious, sir.
Yes, she is a dead ringer
for Connie Selleca.
She, um...
she is pretty unique,
isn't she, Niles?
Er, whatever you say, sir.
Oh, oh!
Careful there, man.
Oh, thank you, sir, yes.
You see, I should have
used my oven mitt
instead of this somewhat
inferior substitution.
But I didn't realize
I wanted my oven mitt
until I saw them together.
And then I understood that,
of course, my oven mitt
is exactly what I wanted
and, goodness gracious,
it was under my nose
the entire time.
Good, glad you found it.
It's easy for you
to get sale shoes.
You're a double-A width.
No, I'm really a B,
but for 75 percent off,
I'll hold my toes like this.
Stop it.
You stop it.
Leslie, darling, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.
Mmm. Hope you two found
something to talk about.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, shall we?
Sure. But I just can't sit
backwards in the limo.
I get nauseous.
Oh, well, there's Pepto
in the minibar.
Smile.
Oh, I forgot to put
the thingie on.
Now they're gonna have red eyes.
Oh, boy, are they a
great couple, or what?
Boy, if they're not meant
to be together, who is?
Miss Fine, doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?
What am I, a radish?
That hair, those clothes,
that voice.
She's a dead ringer
for Audrey Hepburn.
Ma, Shirley Bassey?
I don't know.
Two hundred, 220.
She goes up and down.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi, honey.
How was school today?
Great, lots of fun.
There is so much to learn.
Uh, Ma, I gotta go
be a nanny. Bye.
What the hell is wrong with him?
He seemed perfectly normal.
I reiterate - what
the hell is wrong with him?
Mr. Sheffield thinks
their talk went rather well.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield thinks
C.C. goes horseback riding
for the exercise.
Smell Brighton's gym shirt.
I don't smell anything.
Exactly.
And if anyone knows what
a sweaty man smells like,
it's me.
Brighton did not
go to gym class
today.
Very impressive, Miss Fine.
Well, you don't watch
eight years
of Murder, She Wrote
walking away with something.
Brighton Sheffield,
you cut class today!
I am very disappointed
in you, young man.
I just said that in case
the intercoms were on.
Now, come on, you got a problem.
Let's talk about it.
I told you, you wouldn't
understand.
Honey, I wouldn't understand?
My homeroom was McDonald's.
Come on, let's deal with it.
How?
Even if I grow another foot,
I'll still be smaller
than most of the guys.
Another foot?
What kind of school is
In grade school,
I was the big shot.
Fifth graders feared me.
Now, in junior high,
I'm a walking wedgie
waiting to happen.
Oh! Now
the picture.
They're allbigger
you, not bigger than you.
Honey, this, I can handle.
Sweetie, you're only 12.
Most boys don't shoot up
until after their bar mitzvah.
Fran, I'm not
getting bar mitzvahed.
Huh. I hope it still works.
Honey, if it's any consolation
to you, given time,
this will no longer
be a problem.
Someday you're
gonna be a senior,
and you're gonna be
bigger than all the other kids,
and you'll remember
how you felt today.
When you walk down the hallway,
you'll see
some puny seventh grader,
and you'll give him
a little shove.
Thanks, Fran.
Just one more thing.
Yeah?
When you said, "This handle,"
what did you think
I was talking about?
Oh, exactly what you said,
that you're shorter
than everyone else.
Although your father
was off on some wacko jag.
Looking for someone?
Niles, you scared me.
Put a bell around
your neck, would you?
You wanted him to have a life.
Yeah, well, it's 11:00,
and he's got work tomorrow.
Well, you said
he should have fun.
Nine o'clock is "having fun".
Eleven o'clock is already,
"I don't need another kid
And there's
absolutely no one else
- she reminds you of?
- Oh, shhh!
Here he comes. Stop yapping
and act natural.
Niles, who is it?
Oddly enough,
it's Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, back so soon.
Did you have a good time?
Well, you know, pleasant enough.
Oh, you didn't like her?
Gee, I thought her charm
was only exceeded by her beauty.
Well, she had
a certain way about her.
There was just...
something missing.
Hm...
Like ordering champagne
and getting ginger ale.
You know, they look alike
but don't make
you
feel the same.
Too bad. She was gonna
fix me up with her boss.
English, handsome, rich.
All right,
he's got a couple of kids,
but I could learn
to live with that.
Well, maybe next time, huh?
But I do want
to thank you, Miss Fine.
For what?
Well, for getting
me out in the world.
I mean, Leslie
may not be the one,
but, well, at least
you made me realize
that perhaps
I don't have to
live
the rest of my life alone.
Oh, good night,
Mr. Sheffield.
Pleasant dreams, Miss Fine.
Yeah, well, if I'm lucky, I'll
have that one about the unicorn.
Exactly. Now, if there's
one thing I know,
it's what a smelly man...
Whoopsie.
If anyone knows
what a swelly man smells...
I'm sorry.
too, sweetie,
but it's
the first day of school.
♪They're going back
to school, hah!
♪ Going back
To school, hah! ♪
- ♪ Going back
- To school, hah! ♪
♪ Going back
to school, ah!
Oh, Niles, this sandwich
feels a little stale.
Well, I made them in June
in anticipation
of this blessed event.
Fran?
Fran.
Hi, honey.
What? What?
How do I look?
Gorgeous, always.
Oh, wait.
Oh, my God.
Look how tall you got.
I can hardly reach.
Oh, my God.
I got too tall?
What am I gonna do?
Oh.
Somebody's gotta clean
the Statue of Liberty.
Shut up, Brighton.
Honey, you're gorgeous,
don't worry.
In high school, they stop
making fun of the tall girls.
It's the girls
with BO that's gotta worry.
Sorry I'm late.
I was on the phone
with my therapist.
I had the unicorn dream
again last night.
Oh, these shrinks, they read
something into everything.
Honey, a unicorn is nothing more
than a big horse with a long...
If you need therapy,
I need to be committed.
All right, children, the
limo's waiting. Time to go.
Oh. You heard
your father.
Scram.
Scram.
Whoops!
Ah, first day of school
already, huh?
Summer just flew by.
Spoken by a man who did not see
The Lion King
♪ She was workin'
In a bridal shop ♪
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those
Crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪
But the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair
She was there ♪
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would've guessed
That the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
Home alone.
No more Pog.
No moreMighty Morphin
Power Rangers,
and alas...
no more Nintendo.
What happened to the Nintendo?
I accidentally pounded it
repeatedly with a meat mallet.
Niles!
Couldn't have thought of that
two months ago?
Oh, Niles, look!
Esquire
"Most Eligible Bachelor" list.
Ohh, they retired John-John.
You know, no offense to
Daryl, but, if you recall,
Caroline found happiness
with a Schlossberg.
Jackie finds happiness
with a Tempelsman.
Maybe John-John
should've stopped by
a few Hadassah meetings.
Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's
moved up to third place.
Oh, yeah. Oh, say hello
to bachelor number three.
- Oh, not you too.
- What?
I've been bombarded all morning
with faxes and telephone calls.
Women who want to date me,
women who want
to have my children,
and this one wants to...
Oh, good God!
I'll follow up on that one, sir.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think it's an honor.
Look, you're right
behind Prince Edward
and the former Mayor Koch.
I'll tell you,
just my opinion,
but if those two ever met,
you could move
straight up to number one.
I don't want to be
number one, Miss Fine.
I don't want to be
on the damn list at all.
I'm a widower, for God's
sakes, not a bachelor.
And the difference
would be, uh...?
Well, a bachelor makes you
think of dancing till dawn,
champagne for breakfast
and black satin sheets.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad
we never met in a past life.
Miss Fine, I'm quite
content with my life.
I have my family,
I have my work.
Well, you know what they say.
All work and no play
makes a man...
Rich enough to pay our salaries.
All right. Playtime's over.
Make some money.
Yeah, look...
Miss Fine, I appreciate
your concern, I really
do,
but I'm just not ready
to date yet, all right?
Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up.
I just came in for a fruit.
Oh, I'll tell you,
it just makes me so sad.
Here it is five years
later, and he still feels
like he'd be
cheating on his wife.
It's a classic widower syndrome.
VERY astute, Miss Fine.
Oprah?
Courtship of Eddie's Father.
You know, I never thought
I'd say this, but...
I kinda miss the kids.
- Shut up,
- Brighton.
I'm over it.
We're home.
Hey! How was
your first day back?
Oh, I love school.
They opened a coffee shop
across the street,
and they only hired
really cute college guys.
And for this,
your father pays seven grand?
Was it directly across
the street or catty-corner?
Fran, I love second grade.
The conversations
on the monkey bars
were so stimulating.
Ooh!
Some of life's best moments
are spent
hanging from your knees with
your skirt over your head.
I hate junior high!
I'm never going back.
Oh, now, don't panic.
It's just the first day.
Oh, he'll go back.
He will go back, won't he?
Well, if he doesn't,
we'll have to hire a tutor.
And then he'll be home
all the time.
Brighton!
Brighton, honey,
you wannna talk about it?
No.
Okay.
On the other hand,
I think I'd feel too guilty
cashing my paycheck this week.
Come on, B, I'm your nanny.
You can talk to me
about anything.
Except computers. Those things
throw me into a tailspin.
Never mind.
It's too embarrassing.
Honey, you're talking
to a woman whose underpants
fell off in
the middle of Bloomingdale's.
Really?
What did you do?
I kicked them down
to the Lancôme counter
and kept on walking.
Well, there are just some
things a girl wouldn't understand.
I'm not a girl, I'm a nanny.
Anything you say goes no further
than this room.
I'm like a priest.
Well, not exactly a priest
'cause priests are celibate and
I'm...
Actually, I could be a priest.
No, not with that Nehru collar.
I like a nice scoop neck,
a V, off-the-shoulder's nice,
all good for me, but a Nehru...
All right, all right!
I'll tell you.
We were in the locker room
after gym...
And?
Fran, I'm smaller
than everyone else.
Smaller?
How?
Just forget it.
It's too humiliating.
Well, what could be
so humiliating
about being smaller
in the locker room?
Uh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but we've got a problem.
And, boy, you are never
gonna guess this one.
Just make it short.
You...
You guessed.
Niles, do you need
to speak with me as well?
Oh, no, sir.
I simply wanted to be here
in person for this one.
Brighton was in gym class,
and, well,
when he looked around,
compared to all the other boys,
he's...small.
Small?
You know, like in "petite"...
"poquito"...
"gherkin".
Oh.
And the poor guy's really upset.
What are we gonna do?
Yes.
C.C., would you excuse us?
I have to have a word
with Miss Fine.
If I go, he goes.
Yes, of course.
Niles.
What did I do?
Niles!
Well, now you've
ruined it for everybody.
So...
So...
Brighton, huh?
Are you sure?
But he has such big feet.
I suppose I'll just
have to sit him down
and have a man-to-man
talk with him.
Either that or buy him
a really big car.
Ah, Brighton.
Oh. Yeah, Dad?
I think we should
have a little talk.
I mean, not a little
Well, it might...
It might start out little,
but get big later.
N-not that a...
Not that a big talk
is necessarily any better
than a little talk.
The...the size of the talk
is really not important, is
it?
Any questions so far?
Have you seen my Nintendo?
Val, can you put
my hairbrush in your purse?
I can if you carry my mace.
Put your mace in your pocket.
I got my Totes rain
hat in there.
Well, if you put on
your Totes rain hat,
you're not gonna need that mace.
Oh, Val, look at him
sittin' there alone like a dog.
Yeah, meanwhile,
we're gonna miss
the number 5 bus.
But how is this possible?
I mean, he's handsome,
he's young.
All right, he's 42,
but he's a nice man,
a good catch, true?
True.
Ladies, please!
I am not in the Cone of Silence.
Val, your voice traveled.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
come with us.
No, really. It's...
it's very generous of you,
but I-I have
a full evening planned.
Yeah, it'll give me a chance
to, er, finish the book.
Ooh,Webster's.
Let me know how it ends.
Well, all right, then,
I can spend the evening with...
Maggie!
We'll go to Rumpelmayer's and...
um...
have great big sundaes
with nuts and bananas,
what d'you say?
Uh, well, it's kinda
the first day of school.
I was gonna meet
up with some kids
and have some actual fun.
Ah.
Bye.
Come on, Mr. Sheffield,
come with us.
It's supposed to be
a really great club.
No, I-I already told you,
I'm not ready to date.
What date?
We're just three friends
sharing a cab.
Or in this case, your limo.
What does he know from clubs?
Excuse me!
Studio 54, Annabel's, Tramp's.
Maxwell Sheffield was there.
Oh, you hear that, Val?
He got down, he got funky.
Ladies, to the limo.
All right.
But who's gonna hit on us
if we're with a guy?
Oh, just let me
take care of that.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm
so happy that you're coming.
You're really gonna
have a wonderful time.
Oh, just one last thing.
You don't know us,
we've never seen you
before,
and I might have to tell
a few people you're gay.
Oh, is this a great club,
or what?
We haven't been inside yet.
Oh, we never get inside.
You get inside?
Val!
Oh, Fran, there's a cute guy
over there checking you out.
Where?
Where?
Ooh, he is
I think you're losing him.
I wonder why.
Oh, sorry. Forgot.
Don't even know you.
Oh, my God,
is that Alec Baldwin?
No, I think it's Billy.
Wait, I think it's Daniel.
Oh, it's Stephen.
- Maxwell Sheffield?
- Yes.
Please, please, follow me.
Oh.
Oh, my God, we're getting in.
And you didn't wanna bring him.
Excuse me.
- Are they with you?
- Er...
No, don't know them.
Never saw them.
Perfect strangers.
Mr. Sheffield...
Oh, and I might be gay.
Want a jelly doughnut?
Sure, why not?
You know, I'm gonna write
those people at Exxon a letter.
They do a beautiful restroom.
Whoever cleaned that toilet
should be sent straight
to Prince Edward Sound.
Mm.
Mm, mm.
Here he is.
Mr. Sheffield, we're over here!
- Oh, fantastic club.
- Mmm.
You can't even move
on that dance floor.
So what did
the two of you think?
Oh, it's like nothing
we've ever seen before.
Ever.
I met the most incredible woman.
Get outta here.
You met someone?
Yeah. J-just wait here.
I want you to meet her.
Can you believe he met someone?
I'm wearing the Wonderbra,
and he gets lucky?
I wonder who she is.
Oh, you know, he's so naive.
I just hope he doesn't
come walking out with RuPaul.
Mm.
Val, Fran, this is Leslie.
Love the coat!
Oh, my God.
He's a Schprocket.
Niles, have the chauffeur
bring the limo around, would you?
I'm taking Leslie out
to a gallery opening in SoHo,
then on for dinner
and dancing at Match's.
The man's got a life
and I don't.
It's a world gone mad.
So, what is
the mystery woman like?
Well, she's got a lot of hair,
she wears a lot of makeup
and very flashy clothes.
All in all, I'd say it was
a very attractive package.
Oh, I'll get it.
Niles, you know, you don't
have to keep announcing that.
It's your job.
Believe me, no one's
gonna horn in on ya.
Hello.
Hello.
What?
What?
N-nothing, uh,
just stay right here
until I go get Miss Babcock.
Mr. Sheffield,
Leslie's here.
Take your time.
Come along.
Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come...
Niles, what is
so damn important?
Hi.
Hi.
Good god, it's multiplying.
I'd like you
to meet Miss Babcock.
This is Mr. Sheffield's
business partner.
This is Leslie.
I love your hair.
Who does your color?
Oh, it's natural.
Well, I think it's
very distasteful of Maxwell
to be dating so soon.
Isn't a decade
the standard period of mourning?
Die, and let's find out.
Some house, huh?
Boy, when I first
came here from Queens,
I never thought I'd live
in a house this big.
Tell me about it.
When I left Brooklyn
and became a CPA...
wouldn't you know it,
I had a hard time
finding a place to live.
Oh, I hear ya.
Niles, would you ice this
and put it in the limo?
Oh, certainly, sir.
There's a good man.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
If you don't mind my asking...
doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?
Oh, so you noticed it too.
Well, it is rather obvious, sir.
Yes, she is a dead ringer
for Connie Selleca.
She, um...
she is pretty unique,
isn't she, Niles?
Er, whatever you say, sir.
Oh, oh!
Careful there, man.
Oh, thank you, sir, yes.
You see, I should have
used my oven mitt
instead of this somewhat
inferior substitution.
But I didn't realize
I wanted my oven mitt
until I saw them together.
And then I understood that,
of course, my oven mitt
is exactly what I wanted
and, goodness gracious,
it was under my nose
the entire time.
Good, glad you found it.
It's easy for you
to get sale shoes.
You're a double-A width.
No, I'm really a B,
but for 75 percent off,
I'll hold my toes like this.
Stop it.
You stop it.
Leslie, darling, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.
Mmm. Hope you two found
something to talk about.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, shall we?
Sure. But I just can't sit
backwards in the limo.
I get nauseous.
Oh, well, there's Pepto
in the minibar.
Smile.
Oh, I forgot to put
the thingie on.
Now they're gonna have red eyes.
Oh, boy, are they a
great couple, or what?
Boy, if they're not meant
to be together, who is?
Miss Fine, doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?
What am I, a radish?
That hair, those clothes,
that voice.
She's a dead ringer
for Audrey Hepburn.
Ma, Shirley Bassey?
I don't know.
Two hundred, 220.
She goes up and down.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi, honey.
How was school today?
Great, lots of fun.
There is so much to learn.
Uh, Ma, I gotta go
be a nanny. Bye.
What the hell is wrong with him?
He seemed perfectly normal.
I reiterate - what
the hell is wrong with him?
Mr. Sheffield thinks
their talk went rather well.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield thinks
C.C. goes horseback riding
for the exercise.
Smell Brighton's gym shirt.
I don't smell anything.
Exactly.
And if anyone knows what
a sweaty man smells like,
it's me.
Brighton did not
go to gym class
today.
Very impressive, Miss Fine.
Well, you don't watch
eight years
of Murder, She Wrote
walking away with something.
Brighton Sheffield,
you cut class today!
I am very disappointed
in you, young man.
I just said that in case
the intercoms were on.
Now, come on, you got a problem.
Let's talk about it.
I told you, you wouldn't
understand.
Honey, I wouldn't understand?
My homeroom was McDonald's.
Come on, let's deal with it.
How?
Even if I grow another foot,
I'll still be smaller
than most of the guys.
Another foot?
What kind of school is
In grade school,
I was the big shot.
Fifth graders feared me.
Now, in junior high,
I'm a walking wedgie
waiting to happen.
Oh! Now
the picture.
They're allbigger
you, not bigger than you.
Honey, this, I can handle.
Sweetie, you're only 12.
Most boys don't shoot up
until after their bar mitzvah.
Fran, I'm not
getting bar mitzvahed.
Huh. I hope it still works.
Honey, if it's any consolation
to you, given time,
this will no longer
be a problem.
Someday you're
gonna be a senior,
and you're gonna be
bigger than all the other kids,
and you'll remember
how you felt today.
When you walk down the hallway,
you'll see
some puny seventh grader,
and you'll give him
a little shove.
Thanks, Fran.
Just one more thing.
Yeah?
When you said, "This handle,"
what did you think
I was talking about?
Oh, exactly what you said,
that you're shorter
than everyone else.
Although your father
was off on some wacko jag.
Looking for someone?
Niles, you scared me.
Put a bell around
your neck, would you?
You wanted him to have a life.
Yeah, well, it's 11:00,
and he's got work tomorrow.
Well, you said
he should have fun.
Nine o'clock is "having fun".
Eleven o'clock is already,
"I don't need another kid
And there's
absolutely no one else
- she reminds you of?
- Oh, shhh!
Here he comes. Stop yapping
and act natural.
Niles, who is it?
Oddly enough,
it's Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, back so soon.
Did you have a good time?
Well, you know, pleasant enough.
Oh, you didn't like her?
Gee, I thought her charm
was only exceeded by her beauty.
Well, she had
a certain way about her.
There was just...
something missing.
Hm...
Like ordering champagne
and getting ginger ale.
You know, they look alike
but don't make
you
feel the same.
Too bad. She was gonna
fix me up with her boss.
English, handsome, rich.
All right,
he's got a couple of kids,
but I could learn
to live with that.
Well, maybe next time, huh?
But I do want
to thank you, Miss Fine.
For what?
Well, for getting
me out in the world.
I mean, Leslie
may not be the one,
but, well, at least
you made me realize
that perhaps
I don't have to
live
the rest of my life alone.
Oh, good night,
Mr. Sheffield.
Pleasant dreams, Miss Fine.
Yeah, well, if I'm lucky, I'll
have that one about the unicorn.
Exactly. Now, if there's
one thing I know,
it's what a smelly man...
Whoopsie.
If anyone knows
what a swelly man smells...
I'm sorry.