The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 22 - I Don't Remember Mama - full transcript
Mother's Day is approaching and, as usual, Maxwell is trying to preoccupy the children so that they won't think about their mother, Sara. But Fran thinks talking to the kids about their mother. This year, Maxwell and the family have joined a new country club. Scoping it out, Maxwell, Fran, and Grace learn that it's having Mother's-Day festivities, including a mother-daughter pageant. Grace wants to enter it with Fran, which Maxwell doesn't think is a good idea, believing that she'll ultimately grieve Sara's loss again, but he gives in to her wish. Then, on Mother's Day, one of the competing mother-daughter teams (ultra-competitive Bobbi Jo and Betty Jo), deems Fran and Grace ineligible for the pageant since Fran isn't Grace's mother, and Grace storms out stating she has no mother. Later, Grace admits her anger is not grief and missing her deceased mother, but anger at herself for not remembering anything about her mother. Maxwell realizes he has been approaching Sara's death all wrong, especially with Grace. Back at the country club, Fran and Grace complete the pageant with a duet as their talent, placing them first runner-up, not behind Bobbi Jo and Betty Jo, but behind Patti LaBelle and her daughter.
No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler.
Why? Because you're not
welcome there anymore.
You took half the dessert bar
home in your purse.
I know it's all you can eat...
at the restaurant!
All right, bye.
Oh, it's always
the same thing with her
on Mother's Day.
We always have to go
where she wants to go.
Be grateful
she just wanted you
to take her to
dinner.
My mother always insisted
I take her to Bath.
To Bath?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Polly used
to take her son Sheldon
in the tub with her
until he was 6.
P.S. They both ended up
on a very specialGeraldo.
Bath is a town in England.
Well, I don't care
where you did it.
It's still weird.
Meanwhile, you want to know
what I'm doing for my
mother?
I got all the old home movies
and I'm gonna put 'em on tape.
I only wish that they had sound
so I could hear myself talk.
Be careful what you wish for.
Oh...
You know,
I hate to bring this up,
but what do they do
for Mother's Day around here?
We don't mention it.
Well, if you want my opinion...
I said, if you want
my opinion...
Desperately.
I don't think it's normal.
I mean, they all act
as if Sarah never existed.
You know, in my house,
if we didn't talk
about the dead,
we'd have nothing
to talk about...
except food.
Great thing about funerals.
You get both.
Well, Mr. Sheffield
likes to keep the children busy
so they don't get depressed.
Every year, he comes up
with a new diversion.
Uh-huh. Well, you know, when I
used to be down in the dumps,
my mom used to buy me
a new Pez dispenser.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Great news.
We have just
joined
a country club.
That's nice too.
Yes, look, these facilities are
They even have a five-star chef.
Oh! Boy, reminds me
of the Flamingo
Beach Club.
Our chef used to make
a roast beef. Mwah!
You'd never know the week before
it came in ninth at Belmont.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair,
she was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
And this is the club room.
Oh, wow!
Look at all this paneling.
Boy, half the dues
must go to Lemon Pledge.
Ha ha!
I'm certainly glad we joined.
You know, this
is
a wonderful way
for a family all
to be together.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to
the video room, Dad.
I'm going go see the pool.
Have fun.
You're both out of the will.
It's a very
family-oriented club.
We have lots
of special activities
to keep the children busy.
That's perfect.
It'll help take
their mind off,
uh...
You can say it.
We have a special event
for Mother's Day.
Or she can.
A mother-daughter
beauty pageant.
You two should sign up.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No, I meant them.
Not that you're not attractive
in your own right.
Me and Ma went up
for something like that once,
and we would have won too,
except she insisted
on wearing a bikini.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Have you ever seen
a hysterectomy scar
from the '60s?
Daddy, can we be in the pageant?
Uh, well, no, sweetheart.
We-we already have
plans for Sunday.
We do?
Yes, we have the Guggenheim,
the Radio City Music Hall,
Empire State Building,
Circle Line tour...
That's all?
Then lunch,
then the zoo,
then the
Statue
of Liberty,
F.A.O. Schwarz...
Why don't you just
chloroform them
till Monday?
Well, while you two work it out,
I'll introduce Grace
to some
of the other children.
Okay, but I'm warning you,
I'm a loner.
What's your problem?
Miss Fine,
the last thing Grace
needs on Mother's Day
is to be reminded of her mother.
All right.
What, you think I'm wrong?
So, you're agreeing with me?
I can't
understand
a bloody word
you're saying.
All I'm saying
is that Grace
is a little girl
who wants to be
in a beauty pageant
and get all dolled up.
Now, if it doesn't bother her,
why should it bother you?
I just don't want
to see Grace get hurt,
that's all.
Well, they're aren't a lot
of pageant-related injuries,
except for that time
Ellen Nackiman
spiked me with her
six-inch heels.
But I got even.
I switched her hairspray
for Pam.
She won anyway,
but she couldn't
keep that crown on her head
for nothing.
They make luncheon meat
in an aerosol?
No. You're
thinking of Spam.
Oh.
That she would
have noticed
right away.
And now for my final trick,
I will saw my assistant in half.
Now, explain to me again
why you're the magician
and I'm the assistant.
Because the beautiful woman
is always the assistant.
Oh.
There's one born every minute.
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Sure.
The instructions
are somewhere around here.
I can't believe Dad's
letting Gracie do this.
I can't believe I'm
No, I mean,
being in the
Mother's Day
pageant.
Dad doesn't even like
to talk about Mom.
What was she like?
Oh, she was really pretty.
She had the best laugh.
And she always liked to sing...
Off-key.
Aw...
Come on, are we gonna
do this or what?
Found the instructions.
"Now take a knife
and cut into even pieces."
Uh, wait a sec.
Let me see that.
These are the instructions
for your Easy-Bake Oven.
Yes, but you'll serve eight.
Mm-hmm.
We'll just wing it.
Yes, what's the worst
that can happen?
I don't know.
Did you seeBoxing Helena?
No, but then, nobody did.
Abracadabra!
How was it for you?
Well, it's a little bit tingly,
but not altogether unpleasant.
Oh, Miss Grace,
this seems to be
stuck on
something.
Give her neck a pull.
Ah!
Now watch this.
Hey, hey, I'm getting
a draft here.
Oh!
This is really weird.
It's just separation anxiety.
Oh, no.
How terrible.
What?
I've got a run in my stockings.
I'm telling you, Maxwell,
this whole mother-daughter
beauty pageant
is a terrible idea.
On the other hand...
Keep her away from me!
Wait! Whoa!
Get my other
half!
Well, now, this is really
very impressive.
Thanks.
I hope I'm not gonna
have to pay you time and a
half.
Where are the swords
we plunge in?
That's a different trick.
It doesn't have to be.
All right, all right,
put me together, you guys.
I can't find the instructions.
Well, here's a thought.
Help her look!
Why don't we go
for a little spin?
Wheeeeee!
Hee hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha ha!
All right,
you've had your fun.
Now I'm getting annoyed,
and a little nauseous.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Let's get you some fresh air.
What?
Whoa!
Ow!
Everyone's so nice here.
That lady never stops smiling.
Oh, I know.
I think she's probably had
one too many facelifts.
Did you see that bow
in the back of her
head?
It was her ears.
So what do we do first?
Well, let's psyche
out the
competition.
Come on, let's kick
some country club
butt.
Uh-oh.
Don't look now.
Breck girl at nine o'clock.
And a No-More-Tears babe
bringing up the rear.
Oh, they're
making
the first move.
Act
confident.
Chest out.
It is out.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Fran, and this is Gracie.
I'm Bobbie Jo,
and this is my daughter
Betty Jo.
Oh.
How are things
at Petticoat Junction?
So, is this your
first beauty pageant?
Hardly. Yours?
Oh, afraid not.
Miss Sun Belt, 1982.
'83, Miss Manny, Moe, and Jack.
'84, Miss Leon County.
'85, Miss Union Turnpike.
'87, finalist, Miss Universe.
Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
Good luck.
Thanks.
You'll need it.
Well, they're
tough,
but we'll get them
in the talent competition.
Well, they're talented,
but those big calves,
they're gonna cost
them.
Oh!
Oh, aren't they wonderful?
They've won the last three
years
in a row.
Well, it's a catchy tune,
but can you dance to it?
Wait till
they see our magic act.
Forget it.
Nothing's getting
me
back into that box.
Why not?
Because you left
me
in there forever,
plus I had an itch on my foot.
Why didn't you scratch it?
It was in another room.
We're gonna have to
switch to plan B.
What's that?
Call Gilooly.
Oh, look at those
women over there,
sucking up to the judges.
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so demeaning.
Whoops! A spot
just opened up.
Excuse me.
Trust no one.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I hate beauty
pageants,
don't you?
I'm not supposed
to talk to anyone.
Why?
I just want to be your friend.
Your mom's real pretty.
Thanks, but she's not my mom.
She's my nanny.
See ya.
Oh, well, if nothing else,
we've got a lock
on Miss Congeniality.
This woman should not be allowed
to compete in the pageant.
She's a fake.
I'm a fake?
Let she who is without silicon
cast the first stone.
Listen, you are not
this child's mother.
You're her nanny.
Yeah, so?
Well, this is
a mother/daughter pageant.
Well, we're very close.
So what if she's not my mother?
What's the difference?
It's against the rules.
I don't have a
mother.
She died.
Oh, boy.
You will stop at nothing.
Don't ever go out
for cheerleader.
Niles!
Sir?
Planning on running away
to join the circus?
Why would I do that, sir?
Well, you were juggling.
Juggling, sir?
Niles, I just saw you
with my own eyes.
Is there something
I can do for you,
sir?
Well, you can start by admitting
you were juggling.
That will never happen, sir.
Now I forgot
what I came in here for.
All right, let's see.
I was in the office with C.C.,
and, uh...
Oh, yes, I was trying
to get away from C.C.
You know, she can be so trying
this time of year.
She keeps reminding me
not to think about Sarah.
I don't know
how she can be so insensitive?
Sir, the woman would
invite the Clintons
to go white-water rafting.
Oh, Maxwell...
There you are.
I have been all over for... you!
C.C.!
Oh, dear.
Now, how did that
get there?
I'm terribly sorry,
C.C.
Are you all right?
You know, if I've
told
those children
once,
I've told them a million times
not to leave their fruit
lying around the house.
Gracie!
Oh, hello, Mr. Sheffield.
What's wrong with Gracie?
Uh, she has to go
to the bathroom real bad?
Miss Fine.
Mm...
Well, Gracie is all upset
because some nutcase woman
made a big stink
just because I'm not her mother,
and then, well,
Gracie had to
say
that she doesn't have a mother,
and it kind of went
downhill from there.
Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
has turned into
a complete disaster.
Niles, break out the bubbly.
You have no power here.
Be gone before someone
drops a house on you.
I just knew this was a bad idea.
I should have
trusted my
instincts.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
don't blame yourself.
I don't.
Sweetheart?
Can we talk to you for a minute?
No, I'm busy.
You're doing
a beautiful job there,
except dolly's beginning to look
a little like Sinead O'Connor.
Sweetheart, I made a mistake.
I should never have let you
enter that pageant.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's all my fault.
Your father
didn't want us to enter,
but I wouldn't listen.
I was just too busy talking.
I do that sometimes.
I just talk and talk and talk...
Miss Fine.
What?
You're doing it.
Oh, right.
Well, I'm going to stop now...
the talking, not the listening.
The listening
I'm gonna keep on doing.
It's the talking I'm gonna stop.
Okay, I've stopped.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Sweetheart, I do understand
how you feel...
all those other girls
with their mommies.
It's just reminded you
how much you miss yours.
But that's what's wrong.
I don't miss her.
You don't?
No.
I don't remember her.
Oh.
Oh...
Gracie. Come here.
Brighton and Maggie do,
but I can't.
Is that bad?
Oh, no, of course
not,
sweetheart.
They're older than you.
But how come you never
talk about her?
Well, because
sometimes it's
very...
difficult for Daddy.
Oh.
You can't remember her either?
Oh, no, sweetheart,
I remember
everything.
I remember the first
time
I saw her.
I remember her sweetness
and her laugh.
I especially remember
how much she loved you.
She did?
Oh, more than anything.
And I should never
have
let you forget that.
I was just
trying
to protect
you,
and I suppose myself.
Can you forgive me?
It's okay, Daddy.
Well, at least now
you two can remember her
together.
Do you think that Mommy
would want me
to be in the pageant?
I think she would
want
whatever you want.
I want to do it.
Me and Fran are gonna kick
some country-club butt.
Oy! I don't know where
she gets these things.
And next,
we have our newest members,
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield,
doing...
Well, I'm not exactly sure
what they're doing,
but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.
♪♪ Anything
You could do ♪♪
♪♪ I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ Sooner or later
I'm greater than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am
Yes, I am! ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Jump a hurdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Wear a girdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Knit a sweater ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Fill it better ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Do most anything ♪♪
♪♪ Can you bake a pie? ♪♪
♪♪ No ♪♪
♪♪ Neither can I ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Yes... I... ♪♪
♪♪ Can... ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
Frannie!
Hurray, Gracie!
Thank you. Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Thank you.
Bravo!
Bravo!
Encore!
Here, sweetie.
Oh, yeah, yeah. What?
Oh! Oh, aren't you
Patti LaBelle?
I love you.
Well, I love you
too.
You were great
out there, girl.
Oh, thanks.
The judges really
appreciate a class act.
I know they do.
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to pick up my...
Hi, Mommy!
Sweetie.
Oh!
Oy!
Come on, baby.
We're up next.
Good luck.
Goodbye.
Like she needs luck.
She's a professional.
Don't these contests have rules?
They bent the rules for us.
Oh, whose side
are you on anyway?
♪♪ Runnin' hot ♪♪
♪♪ Runnin' cold ♪♪
♪♪ I was runnin' at you
Overload ♪♪
♪♪ It was extreme ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
♪♪ Hey ♪♪
♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ That's when the wires
Got crossed ♪♪
♪♪ The tables were turned ♪♪
♪♪ I never knew
I had such a lesson to learn ♪♪
♪♪ I'm feelin' good
From my head ♪♪
♪♪ To my shoes ♪♪
♪♪ Know where I'm goin' ♪♪
♪♪ And I know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ I started up my... ♪♪
What do you have, darling?
♪♪ I got a new attitude ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo ♪♪
Is she is fabulous.
You know, I'm her biggest fan.
Oh, I'll tell
you,
if they don't
come in second,
there's no justice.
Thank you.
Aren't you ever gonna take
that stupid sash off?
No.
Oh, leave her alone.
How many times in your life
do you become
first runner-up
in a beauty
pageant?
Counting this one, 12.
Well, here they are,
The Fine family home movies.
Oh, when my mother sees these,
she's just going toplotz.
These are you
from the olden days?
Yes, if you keep
your eyes peeled,
you may see a stegosaurus
in the background.
Oh, is that adorable!
Oh, look at my mother.
Her hair
was much smaller then.
As her hips got wider,
so did her hair.
Kind of a balancing act.
Oh, my.
You're in a hurry.
There must have been
a sale somewhere.
Oh, you're already
watching something.
Oh, that's
okay.
That's okay.
We're just watching
some adorable shots of me,
but I made you all copies, so...
What's that, Daddy?
It's a special Mother's
Day
gift for all of us.
Watch it carefully.
Here it comes.
Oh!
Yeah!
Boy, I was a real jerk
back then.
Sorry, Maggie.
Move it or lose it.
I'm gonna get you!
I did my best.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
your first flop.
We worked on
that spontaneous wave for hours.
Mm. Aw...
Gracie, that's you, angel.
Oh, there's Mom.
I remember that.
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I c... ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be greater... ♪♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
I screwed it up.
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be... ♪♪
Ooh, I'm sorry.
Oy! I always get stuck
on that same lyric.
Why? Because you're not
welcome there anymore.
You took half the dessert bar
home in your purse.
I know it's all you can eat...
at the restaurant!
All right, bye.
Oh, it's always
the same thing with her
on Mother's Day.
We always have to go
where she wants to go.
Be grateful
she just wanted you
to take her to
dinner.
My mother always insisted
I take her to Bath.
To Bath?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Polly used
to take her son Sheldon
in the tub with her
until he was 6.
P.S. They both ended up
on a very specialGeraldo.
Bath is a town in England.
Well, I don't care
where you did it.
It's still weird.
Meanwhile, you want to know
what I'm doing for my
mother?
I got all the old home movies
and I'm gonna put 'em on tape.
I only wish that they had sound
so I could hear myself talk.
Be careful what you wish for.
Oh...
You know,
I hate to bring this up,
but what do they do
for Mother's Day around here?
We don't mention it.
Well, if you want my opinion...
I said, if you want
my opinion...
Desperately.
I don't think it's normal.
I mean, they all act
as if Sarah never existed.
You know, in my house,
if we didn't talk
about the dead,
we'd have nothing
to talk about...
except food.
Great thing about funerals.
You get both.
Well, Mr. Sheffield
likes to keep the children busy
so they don't get depressed.
Every year, he comes up
with a new diversion.
Uh-huh. Well, you know, when I
used to be down in the dumps,
my mom used to buy me
a new Pez dispenser.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Great news.
We have just
joined
a country club.
That's nice too.
Yes, look, these facilities are
They even have a five-star chef.
Oh! Boy, reminds me
of the Flamingo
Beach Club.
Our chef used to make
a roast beef. Mwah!
You'd never know the week before
it came in ninth at Belmont.
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair,
she was there ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
And this is the club room.
Oh, wow!
Look at all this paneling.
Boy, half the dues
must go to Lemon Pledge.
Ha ha!
I'm certainly glad we joined.
You know, this
is
a wonderful way
for a family all
to be together.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to
the video room, Dad.
I'm going go see the pool.
Have fun.
You're both out of the will.
It's a very
family-oriented club.
We have lots
of special activities
to keep the children busy.
That's perfect.
It'll help take
their mind off,
uh...
You can say it.
We have a special event
for Mother's Day.
Or she can.
A mother-daughter
beauty pageant.
You two should sign up.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No, I meant them.
Not that you're not attractive
in your own right.
Me and Ma went up
for something like that once,
and we would have won too,
except she insisted
on wearing a bikini.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Have you ever seen
a hysterectomy scar
from the '60s?
Daddy, can we be in the pageant?
Uh, well, no, sweetheart.
We-we already have
plans for Sunday.
We do?
Yes, we have the Guggenheim,
the Radio City Music Hall,
Empire State Building,
Circle Line tour...
That's all?
Then lunch,
then the zoo,
then the
Statue
of Liberty,
F.A.O. Schwarz...
Why don't you just
chloroform them
till Monday?
Well, while you two work it out,
I'll introduce Grace
to some
of the other children.
Okay, but I'm warning you,
I'm a loner.
What's your problem?
Miss Fine,
the last thing Grace
needs on Mother's Day
is to be reminded of her mother.
All right.
What, you think I'm wrong?
So, you're agreeing with me?
I can't
understand
a bloody word
you're saying.
All I'm saying
is that Grace
is a little girl
who wants to be
in a beauty pageant
and get all dolled up.
Now, if it doesn't bother her,
why should it bother you?
I just don't want
to see Grace get hurt,
that's all.
Well, they're aren't a lot
of pageant-related injuries,
except for that time
Ellen Nackiman
spiked me with her
six-inch heels.
But I got even.
I switched her hairspray
for Pam.
She won anyway,
but she couldn't
keep that crown on her head
for nothing.
They make luncheon meat
in an aerosol?
No. You're
thinking of Spam.
Oh.
That she would
have noticed
right away.
And now for my final trick,
I will saw my assistant in half.
Now, explain to me again
why you're the magician
and I'm the assistant.
Because the beautiful woman
is always the assistant.
Oh.
There's one born every minute.
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Sure.
The instructions
are somewhere around here.
I can't believe Dad's
letting Gracie do this.
I can't believe I'm
No, I mean,
being in the
Mother's Day
pageant.
Dad doesn't even like
to talk about Mom.
What was she like?
Oh, she was really pretty.
She had the best laugh.
And she always liked to sing...
Off-key.
Aw...
Come on, are we gonna
do this or what?
Found the instructions.
"Now take a knife
and cut into even pieces."
Uh, wait a sec.
Let me see that.
These are the instructions
for your Easy-Bake Oven.
Yes, but you'll serve eight.
Mm-hmm.
We'll just wing it.
Yes, what's the worst
that can happen?
I don't know.
Did you seeBoxing Helena?
No, but then, nobody did.
Abracadabra!
How was it for you?
Well, it's a little bit tingly,
but not altogether unpleasant.
Oh, Miss Grace,
this seems to be
stuck on
something.
Give her neck a pull.
Ah!
Now watch this.
Hey, hey, I'm getting
a draft here.
Oh!
This is really weird.
It's just separation anxiety.
Oh, no.
How terrible.
What?
I've got a run in my stockings.
I'm telling you, Maxwell,
this whole mother-daughter
beauty pageant
is a terrible idea.
On the other hand...
Keep her away from me!
Wait! Whoa!
Get my other
half!
Well, now, this is really
very impressive.
Thanks.
I hope I'm not gonna
have to pay you time and a
half.
Where are the swords
we plunge in?
That's a different trick.
It doesn't have to be.
All right, all right,
put me together, you guys.
I can't find the instructions.
Well, here's a thought.
Help her look!
Why don't we go
for a little spin?
Wheeeeee!
Hee hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha ha!
All right,
you've had your fun.
Now I'm getting annoyed,
and a little nauseous.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Let's get you some fresh air.
What?
Whoa!
Ow!
Everyone's so nice here.
That lady never stops smiling.
Oh, I know.
I think she's probably had
one too many facelifts.
Did you see that bow
in the back of her
head?
It was her ears.
So what do we do first?
Well, let's psyche
out the
competition.
Come on, let's kick
some country club
butt.
Uh-oh.
Don't look now.
Breck girl at nine o'clock.
And a No-More-Tears babe
bringing up the rear.
Oh, they're
making
the first move.
Act
confident.
Chest out.
It is out.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Fran, and this is Gracie.
I'm Bobbie Jo,
and this is my daughter
Betty Jo.
Oh.
How are things
at Petticoat Junction?
So, is this your
first beauty pageant?
Hardly. Yours?
Oh, afraid not.
Miss Sun Belt, 1982.
'83, Miss Manny, Moe, and Jack.
'84, Miss Leon County.
'85, Miss Union Turnpike.
'87, finalist, Miss Universe.
Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
Good luck.
Thanks.
You'll need it.
Well, they're
tough,
but we'll get them
in the talent competition.
Well, they're talented,
but those big calves,
they're gonna cost
them.
Oh!
Oh, aren't they wonderful?
They've won the last three
years
in a row.
Well, it's a catchy tune,
but can you dance to it?
Wait till
they see our magic act.
Forget it.
Nothing's getting
me
back into that box.
Why not?
Because you left
me
in there forever,
plus I had an itch on my foot.
Why didn't you scratch it?
It was in another room.
We're gonna have to
switch to plan B.
What's that?
Call Gilooly.
Oh, look at those
women over there,
sucking up to the judges.
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so demeaning.
Whoops! A spot
just opened up.
Excuse me.
Trust no one.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I hate beauty
pageants,
don't you?
I'm not supposed
to talk to anyone.
Why?
I just want to be your friend.
Your mom's real pretty.
Thanks, but she's not my mom.
She's my nanny.
See ya.
Oh, well, if nothing else,
we've got a lock
on Miss Congeniality.
This woman should not be allowed
to compete in the pageant.
She's a fake.
I'm a fake?
Let she who is without silicon
cast the first stone.
Listen, you are not
this child's mother.
You're her nanny.
Yeah, so?
Well, this is
a mother/daughter pageant.
Well, we're very close.
So what if she's not my mother?
What's the difference?
It's against the rules.
I don't have a
mother.
She died.
Oh, boy.
You will stop at nothing.
Don't ever go out
for cheerleader.
Niles!
Sir?
Planning on running away
to join the circus?
Why would I do that, sir?
Well, you were juggling.
Juggling, sir?
Niles, I just saw you
with my own eyes.
Is there something
I can do for you,
sir?
Well, you can start by admitting
you were juggling.
That will never happen, sir.
Now I forgot
what I came in here for.
All right, let's see.
I was in the office with C.C.,
and, uh...
Oh, yes, I was trying
to get away from C.C.
You know, she can be so trying
this time of year.
She keeps reminding me
not to think about Sarah.
I don't know
how she can be so insensitive?
Sir, the woman would
invite the Clintons
to go white-water rafting.
Oh, Maxwell...
There you are.
I have been all over for... you!
C.C.!
Oh, dear.
Now, how did that
get there?
I'm terribly sorry,
C.C.
Are you all right?
You know, if I've
told
those children
once,
I've told them a million times
not to leave their fruit
lying around the house.
Gracie!
Oh, hello, Mr. Sheffield.
What's wrong with Gracie?
Uh, she has to go
to the bathroom real bad?
Miss Fine.
Mm...
Well, Gracie is all upset
because some nutcase woman
made a big stink
just because I'm not her mother,
and then, well,
Gracie had to
say
that she doesn't have a mother,
and it kind of went
downhill from there.
Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
has turned into
a complete disaster.
Niles, break out the bubbly.
You have no power here.
Be gone before someone
drops a house on you.
I just knew this was a bad idea.
I should have
trusted my
instincts.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
don't blame yourself.
I don't.
Sweetheart?
Can we talk to you for a minute?
No, I'm busy.
You're doing
a beautiful job there,
except dolly's beginning to look
a little like Sinead O'Connor.
Sweetheart, I made a mistake.
I should never have let you
enter that pageant.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's all my fault.
Your father
didn't want us to enter,
but I wouldn't listen.
I was just too busy talking.
I do that sometimes.
I just talk and talk and talk...
Miss Fine.
What?
You're doing it.
Oh, right.
Well, I'm going to stop now...
the talking, not the listening.
The listening
I'm gonna keep on doing.
It's the talking I'm gonna stop.
Okay, I've stopped.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Sweetheart, I do understand
how you feel...
all those other girls
with their mommies.
It's just reminded you
how much you miss yours.
But that's what's wrong.
I don't miss her.
You don't?
No.
I don't remember her.
Oh.
Oh...
Gracie. Come here.
Brighton and Maggie do,
but I can't.
Is that bad?
Oh, no, of course
not,
sweetheart.
They're older than you.
But how come you never
talk about her?
Well, because
sometimes it's
very...
difficult for Daddy.
Oh.
You can't remember her either?
Oh, no, sweetheart,
I remember
everything.
I remember the first
time
I saw her.
I remember her sweetness
and her laugh.
I especially remember
how much she loved you.
She did?
Oh, more than anything.
And I should never
have
let you forget that.
I was just
trying
to protect
you,
and I suppose myself.
Can you forgive me?
It's okay, Daddy.
Well, at least now
you two can remember her
together.
Do you think that Mommy
would want me
to be in the pageant?
I think she would
want
whatever you want.
I want to do it.
Me and Fran are gonna kick
some country-club butt.
Oy! I don't know where
she gets these things.
And next,
we have our newest members,
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield,
doing...
Well, I'm not exactly sure
what they're doing,
but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.
♪♪ Anything
You could do ♪♪
♪♪ I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ Sooner or later
I'm greater than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am
Yes, I am! ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Jump a hurdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Wear a girdle ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Knit a sweater ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Fill it better ♪♪
♪♪ I can
Do most anything ♪♪
♪♪ Can you bake a pie? ♪♪
♪♪ No ♪♪
♪♪ Neither can I ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Yes... I... ♪♪
♪♪ Can... ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
Frannie!
Hurray, Gracie!
Thank you. Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Thank you.
Bravo!
Bravo!
Encore!
Here, sweetie.
Oh, yeah, yeah. What?
Oh! Oh, aren't you
Patti LaBelle?
I love you.
Well, I love you
too.
You were great
out there, girl.
Oh, thanks.
The judges really
appreciate a class act.
I know they do.
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to pick up my...
Hi, Mommy!
Sweetie.
Oh!
Oy!
Come on, baby.
We're up next.
Good luck.
Goodbye.
Like she needs luck.
She's a professional.
Don't these contests have rules?
They bent the rules for us.
Oh, whose side
are you on anyway?
♪♪ Runnin' hot ♪♪
♪♪ Runnin' cold ♪♪
♪♪ I was runnin' at you
Overload ♪♪
♪♪ It was extreme ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
♪♪ Hey ♪♪
♪♪ Well ♪♪
♪♪ That's when the wires
Got crossed ♪♪
♪♪ The tables were turned ♪♪
♪♪ I never knew
I had such a lesson to learn ♪♪
♪♪ I'm feelin' good
From my head ♪♪
♪♪ To my shoes ♪♪
♪♪ Know where I'm goin' ♪♪
♪♪ And I know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ I started up my... ♪♪
What do you have, darling?
♪♪ I got a new attitude ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo ♪♪
Is she is fabulous.
You know, I'm her biggest fan.
Oh, I'll tell
you,
if they don't
come in second,
there's no justice.
Thank you.
Aren't you ever gonna take
that stupid sash off?
No.
Oh, leave her alone.
How many times in your life
do you become
first runner-up
in a beauty
pageant?
Counting this one, 12.
Well, here they are,
The Fine family home movies.
Oh, when my mother sees these,
she's just going toplotz.
These are you
from the olden days?
Yes, if you keep
your eyes peeled,
you may see a stegosaurus
in the background.
Oh, is that adorable!
Oh, look at my mother.
Her hair
was much smaller then.
As her hips got wider,
so did her hair.
Kind of a balancing act.
Oh, my.
You're in a hurry.
There must have been
a sale somewhere.
Oh, you're already
watching something.
Oh, that's
okay.
That's okay.
We're just watching
some adorable shots of me,
but I made you all copies, so...
What's that, Daddy?
It's a special Mother's
Day
gift for all of us.
Watch it carefully.
Here it comes.
Oh!
Yeah!
Boy, I was a real jerk
back then.
Sorry, Maggie.
Move it or lose it.
I'm gonna get you!
I did my best.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
your first flop.
We worked on
that spontaneous wave for hours.
Mm. Aw...
Gracie, that's you, angel.
Oh, there's Mom.
I remember that.
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ Can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I c... ♪♪
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be greater... ♪♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
I screwed it up.
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
♪♪ I could be... ♪♪
Ooh, I'm sorry.
Oy! I always get stuck
on that same lyric.