The Mysteries of Laura (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Mystery of the Sunken Sailor - full transcript

That is a delightful array
of food and beverage.

Must be some party.

Mind your business, lady. Add this too.

Let me help you with that.

Yo! What the hell you doing?

Huh, funny. You don't
look like a Laura Diamond.

Does he look like a Laura Diamond?

No.

Well, you know who does look
like a Detective Laura Diamond?

This guy.

That's just a waste of
affordable Chardonnay.



Damn! How'd you find me anyway, man?

Well, genius.

First tip-off was the substantial
purchase made on my debit card

at XXX Video World.

You do know they invented
the internet, right?

So then I figured your next stop
would be to load up on cheap booze,

and you did not disappoint,
fake Laura Diamond.

Bad luck, stealing a cop's
wallet. Take him away, guys.

Oh, it's your birthday this week!

- Happy birth...
- Finish that sentence

and I'm gonna drag your ass in, too.

I paid for the donuts, right?

Donut?

Donut?



- It looks stale.
- That's why they were half off.

Petty officer, second class.

Greg Hampson, shot point blank in
the chest more or less 12 hours ago.

Tugboat captain pulled his
body out of the East River.

Probably in town for Fleet Week,

there are thousands of
sailors here on shore leave.

Is that...

- Mustard?
- Floral residue.

Remnants found in the wound also.

Possibly a boutonniere.

Wouldn't expect to see that
after twelve hours in the drink.

Probably lilies. Stained the
crap out of my prom dress.

We'll screen for prints and DNA but

river contaminants gonna
make a finding pretty unlikely.

Do we know the name of his ship?

Fortunately seamen favor waterproof wallets.

ID puts him on the USS Sherwood.

Aircraft carrier, Nimitz Class.

USS Sherwood, docked on Pier 92.

Got a sec?

- Really, on my break?
- Oh, sorry!

When are you back?

- Back, may I help you?
- Yes.

I made a birthday list of
everyone in the precinct...

You really didn't need to do that.

I know, it's just something I
always did back in Wisconsin...

I mean, because I do that. It's my thang.

Then you know it's Laura's
birthday tomorrow.

I'm assuming we're doing a party.

For Laura?

Yeah, that would be a no.

Oh, well, if no one else is on it,
I'm happy to plan the whole thing.

Uh-h...

Well then you must let me help!

You know, I know Laura better
than the soundtrack to Wicked.

Wow! Ha, that'd be awesome.

Okay, whatever you do, just
make sure that it's a surprise.

Really? I wouldn't have pegged
Laura for the "surprise party" type.

I know, right? The woman is
a bundle of contradictions.

There is nothing she loves more
than walking into a dark room

and having a mob of well-wishers
jump out at her, shouting,

"Happy birthday!"

It would be a huge challenge to surprise
the best detective on the force.

I gotta start planning!

Thanks, Max!

Seasick already? You do
realize the ship isn't moving?

I've got a finely tuned stomach sensitivity.

Okay, I'll just slide
out of your barf radius.

Oh, look. Our military escort.

Busting out that NYPD respect.

Why am I not getting that vibe?

Special Agent Barrington, NCIS, this
is Lieutenant Commander Simmons,

the captain's XO.

Detective Diamond, Soto, NYPD Homicide.

We understand you've been inquiring
about Petty Officer Hampson?

Not inquiring, we're conducting
a murder investigation.

You'd need approval from Captain Meeks and
he's on a call with Naval Intelligence.

We'll be happy to wait.

He has a dedication ceremony on board today.

Let's just say the captain's
an extremely busy man.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Uh, detective, are you all right?
You look a little green.

Uh, I just need a minute with my partner.

- We're being dock blocked.
- Big time.

By a pencil pusher with a pencil skirt.

She probably keeps her gun on
her desk next to her paperclips.

Okay, this is the plan.

I'm gonna say I need a bathroom
because I'm about to blow chunks.

- You are about to blow chunks.
- Making it a good plan.

You distract her long enough
for me to find Hampson's cabin.

How am I supposed to do that?

She's a woman, you're Billy
Soto, do I have to spell it out?

The head's a deck below.

Hola.

Seriously?

Oof... hello! Oof.

Greg Hampson's cabin?

Down the hall to your right, ma'am.

As you were.

Free drinks?

Oh!

Hi!

Perfect timing!

Now you came to take me to your captain.

Okay.

I could take it from here.

Less chit-chat next time, huh?

Stand down.

Well, as you can see,
Detective, it's not a good time.

Sir, this is an urgent matter.

I just found these bloody rags in
Petty Officer Hampson's foot locker.

That area is under seal.

Was. I've worked my fair
share of Maritime crimes.

NYPD has the right to
search a victim's cabin.

Petty Officer Hampson's tragic death
is a Navy matter and I can assure you

the Navy is conducting its own,
very thorough investigation.

- Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Oh!

I see the mayor's wife and some
other really fancy people are

waiting for you to cut the ribbon.

So do we have your cooperation or not?

I'm going to need to
speak with your superior.

My captain is Jake Broderick.

Second Precinct. Hit one for
his cell, two for his office.

And I will need to speak to your sailors.

Well, I've got 6,000 of them
currently spread out all over the city

and we ship out in 72 hours.

Then I better get started.

Reynaldo says the bloody rags
tested negative for our victim or

any human victim, for that matter.

- So what was it?
- Shark blood.

So unless our victim has
a taste for funky sushi...

He's smuggling shark fin.

Shark fin's illegal now?

Oh, it's big money.

Yeah, the boys just did a "save
the sea life" project at their

uber eco-conscious school.

Maybe someday they'll
even learn how to spell.

Shark fin is a precious aphrodisiac in Asia.

So I'm told.

Note to self for my next vacation.

Our aircraft carrier did just
get in from the Indian Ocean.

Well, if he was smuggling, he'd
definitely would need an accomplice.

And a falling out with said
accomplice could spell motive.

I wonder how far up the chain it could go,

because it seemed like Captain Meeks
was not saying everything he knew.

That would be quite impressive,

because he was sure saying a lot
when he called to read me the riot act.

He told me to reign in my female detective.

Aw, he referred to me by my gender?

Well, that is just the sweetest!

They are pursuing their own investigation.

Wait a minute, the protocol is clear.

We're sharing jurisdiction
with the Navy on this, right?

A point I made quite clear with the captain.

If only we knew where a bunch of sailors
would hang out during Fleet Week...

Oh, what do you know!

Got it in Hampson's room.

The Landmark Bar, half
price during Fleet Week.

Ladies drink free!

Well, I will send the other ladies.

You and Billy dig into Hampson.

Profile, family history...
Anything that could be helpful.

When do I get to be boss?

Ha!

At ease, sailor. Recognize this man?

Bunked two doors down from him.

Sad what happened. Good sailor.

Was he into anything not good?

No. Guy was a high and tight.

Wilbur, his bunk mate, was always
bitching about him being a Boy Scout.

Where can we find Wilbur?

He's making a supply run in Chinatown.

What kind of supply run would a
sailor be making in Chinatown?

- It's kind of dirty, ma'am.
- I'm a homicide detective!

- Try me.
- Okay, so...

There's this Chinese supplement...
Tiger penis powder.

What kind of powder?

I think he said tiger penis.

It's like herbal Viagra. I hear
one hit and you can go for hours.

We don't want you to go for hours.

- Go where?
- Keep taking notes.

So where would he be in
Chinatown to get this substance?

I think he said Mott and Canal.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Sounds like a place that
would buy and sell shark fin.

So is Tony whipping up a big foodie
dinner to celebrate your big...

Day that we're not talking about?

Yep. Just hoping that my
stomach is off the boat by then.

It better be. It's not
every day that you turn...

Hey, don't even!

Excuse me.

Hi, do you have anything for seasickness?

You got a problem? I got the cure.

One teaspoon, three times a
day, boom, you're all good.

Thank you.

How about, um...

Husband troubles?

Tiger penis.

For realz. This will make
him a new man overnight.

Yeah, um, we tried tiger penis,
it wasn't strong enough.

He really needs a lot of help in that...

area, so...

Excuse me?

Nothing to be embarrassed about, honey.

It's just because you
wear those tighty whities.

Do you sell anything... more powerful?

Like maybe... shark fin?

Whoa lady, shark fin's illegal.

I don't mess with that stuff.

- You sure?
- Right back here.

Wilbur.

Hey!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine, go! Go.

Watch out! Excuse me, excuse me!

Hey, NYPD! Stop!

I said stop!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Freeze, don't move. Don't move!

Dude, can you not see I got the drop on you?

Freeze, sailor!

NCIS.

Looks like she's got the drop on you.

As I just told you, my dear woman,
because he is a homicide suspect.

Petty Officer Roan Wilbur.

I need a full FBI and DOD screen.

Wilbur, like the pig.

No, Charlotte is the spider.

- Well, my superior is not...
- Give me the phone.

Hi, this is Detective Laura
Diamond, 2nd Precinct, NYPD.

Here I am, being superior.

We need everything that you have
on Wilbur. We need it yesterday.

My hero.

For Laura's birthday,
I'm thinking color scheme.

Silver? You know, for
balloons and streamers?

Word to the wise. Pink, nothing but pink!

Pink, Laura? Come on.

Once a year, she just lets that
girly freak flag fly. Yeah!

And you're gonna do it at her house, right?

Actually, I was thinking about a bar. I
doubt she wants to be ambushed at her house.

No-no-no-no, she absolutely would.

Oh, yeah, just call her
babysitter and let her know.

- Okay, if you say so.
- Oh, I say so!

- Victory?
- Oh, yeah.

Billy is gonna lose his mind.

You knew Wilbur was smuggling?

Yeah, I did.

When were you planning on
telling me that my murder victim

was part of your ongoing investigation?

You've been working on
this case a day, Detective.

My NCIS team has been on it for six months.

Look, don't go pulling
Navy rank on me, all right?

FYI, NCIS isn't part of the Navy.

I'm a federal agent assigned to this case.

And I'm a New York City
detective assigned to this case.

Well, as far as my investigation is
concerned you are on a need-to-know basis.

And I need to know, what
the hell is going on here?

Petty Officer Hampson was helping me collect
intel on Wilbur's smuggling operation.

That's what the bloody rags in
his foot locker were all about.

I don't believe this.

Wilbur probably figured it out,
that's why he took out Hampson.

No, I'm sure his cover wasn't blown.

Wilbur had no idea.

Yeah, and I'm sure you wanna think
that, otherwise this is on you.

It's already on me. The fact that
this murder happened in your city

doesn't make this any less my case.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You two are gonna work this case together.

- Captain...
- Starting now.

You two are gonna keep
each other in the loop.

Understood?

Your suspect is waiting.

Hampson was clean as they come,
wouldn't even cheat on his girlfriend.

Who he never even met.

I told him to dump her, the chick
didn't even send him naked selfies.

Tell us more about the girlfriend.

One of those online things. Been
going on... past eight months, maybe.

Saw a picture once. Hot blonde. Not naked.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

He said he was finally gonna meet her. F2F.

- Face-to-face.
- I know what that means.

Just checking.

Meet her when?

Last night.

You know, there was floral
residue on the bullet wound.

I bet you he just brought her flowers.

We need to find this Miss F2F.

Talked to Hampson's family back in Iowa,

local PD, his boot camp instructor...

Nothing unusual. And Reynaldo came
up zeros on DNA and print screens.

- Have you been listening to me?
- Yes.

You have no helpful information whatsoever.

You're listening.

Dr. Chinatown's herbs make me
more seasick than that stupid boat.

- It's an aircraft carrier.
- It's still stupid.

Anything from Wilbur?

Alibied out. Said Hampson
had an online girlfriend.

This special agent here
is gonna pull his e-mails.

Unless that's on a need-to-know basis, too?

Be nice or I'll start reading your
e-mails for suspicious activity.

- Made your point.
- Her name's Nancy.

No last name. Looks like she's
in her twenties, great body.

Working the cleavage.

Okay, now we know her cup size,
what about where she lives?

Does she mention a borough?

Mm-mm. Too busy writing
pseudo-romantic mush.

"I walked home past the
stately elm trees in the park

"waiting for them to bloom like our love."

This is a waste of time.

I need to report back.

Oh, not alone, you're not.

Your report is now our report.

Seriously?

Let's see if the NYPD can
outsmart the US Navy.

"Taking inside of me the scent of
burning sandalwood in the air."

Oh! I love sandalwood.

Every summer, back in Eau Claire, my mom
took me to this hippie renaissance fair

where all you could smell
were sandalwood incense...

And pot.

"Need you here to inject me with warmth."

Someone's been reading a lot of
cheap erotica from the dollar store.

Not that you would know
where to get cheap erotica.

- I'm working here.
- Continue.

"I have the most amazing
Ukrainian diner next door.

"Can't wait to take you for pierogis."

Now I like this chick.

I assume she's going somewhere with this.

Triangulating.

She calls it her Laura GPS.

Stately elm trees?

Dutch elm disease killed almost all
the elms in New York during the '70s.

The only place that still has them is
Tompkins Square Park, East Village.

And Ukrainian diner? Veselka,
best pierogis in New York,

putting Nancy right here.

She's good.

Word.

Mmm.

These pierogis are delish.

Fried dough balls rarely suck.

"N. Santamaria. 1C."

That could be Nancy.

Broken.

1A.

1B.

Wow.

New York landlords spare no expense.

1C.

Excuse me, laundry coming
through.

Hey, uh, is this Nancy's apartment?

You guys friends of hers?

Friends of friends. And you are?

Dwayne. Uh, neighbor. 1D.

You know, I bet she's on her
computer wearing her headphones.

Last week, I dropped off her mail.

I knocked for 10 minutes
before she answered.

Was she home last night?

Well, Nancy hardly ever
leaves her apartment.

Well, except when her cable goes out,
then she's on my couch watching her shows.

Hm!

Nancy Santamaria, NYPD.

Yes?

Hi, is Nancy here?

That's me.

You're... Nancy Santamaria?

Is there a problem?

Uh, do you know this woman?

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

- How about Greg Hampson?
- No.

Okay, we're asking, Nancy,
because we are concerned

you may be the victim of identity theft.

A lot of that going around lately.

You know, it just happened to a
detective in our precinct, so...

You must have the wrong apartment.

It smells like... the renaissance fair.

Burning sandalwood incense, Nancy?

- So?
- So you are Greg's girlfriend.

I'm guessing that's a yes.

Thank you, tae kwon do.

Excuse me?

Step away from the computer.
Stop typing, Nancy.

No!

Erasing your hard drive?
I don't think so, Nancy.

It's private, don't touch it.

Which is why we'll be
obtaining a search warrant.

And an arrest warrant.

Destroying evidence. Obstruction.

You're coming with us.

It's always the quiet ones.

She doesn't seem like
much of a femme fatale.

Did you run the numbers in her phone?

Any calls or texts to her
boyfriend, Greg Hampson?

Yes, but he's not the only one.

Nancy has another boyfriend?

Um, try plural.

Wow!

Okay, now I'm not just
seasick, I'm hallucinating.

They all claim to be Nancy's boyfriend.

- Which means...
- Nancy's a slut.

No!

They are all suspects.

How many are we talking about?

Seven.

Excuse me? Seven boyfriends?

What are you, Snow White?

Actually, they're not all my boyfriends.

Two are my fiances.

Wow. How the hell does that work?

We... send texts and e-mails.

Except for Zeke. Because he's in prison,

he's not allowed to get e-mails and
texts so I send him actual letters.

I spray mine with perfume.

I don't wanna know what he sprays on his.

And your Girls Gone Wild profile picture.

When I go online as myself, I get rejected.

When I go online like that, men talk to me.

Okay, see, that's where I'm confused.

If you don't want to be seen then
why plan a date with Greg Hampson?

That wasn't my idea. He found
out that I lived in New York

and he wanted to meet
with me when he was here.

He was such a sweet guy.

I thought I would finally
stop hiding and give it a try.

We caught you trying to erase your
hard drive on your computer. Why?

I panicked. I thought I
was me kind of trouble.

Oh, I get it.

You were receiving gifts?

I'm gonna guess... money.

From these men of yours.

I didn't ask them for it.

How much did you never
ask for from Greg Hampson?

Three thousand.

I was behind on my rent.
But he said it was no problem.

Nancy, where were you last night?

I was waiting for Greg at the coffee shop.

For five hours, he never showed up.

I figured he saw me through the
window and saw what I really looked like

and didn't like it, so he left.

Thank you.

Okay. Manager and waitress both confirm

Nancy was waiting at the
coffee shop until 2:00 a.m.,

ate three pieces of pecan pie.

- Yum.
- Saddest alibi ever.

She's a sad woman.

Most catfishers are.

- Cat-what?
- Catfishing.

Creating a fake identity and then
using social media to find romance.

- That's a thing?
- Huge thing.

And these sad sacks fell for it.

Their alibis check out, I told
them they're free to go home.

They're still just there.

I'm sure this is
embarrassing for all of you,

being swordfished.

No sword. Cat.

Cat... cat?

I gotta ask.

Each one of you had a dirty flirty...
online with a woman you've never met,

but now it's obvious that your
relationship wasn't exactly monogamous,

and yet you're still here.

Explain.

I love her.

I'm waiting for these two to leave.

Dismissed.

Laura. Come on!

You should have told me you
found Hampson's girlfriend.

I need to keep Jennifer apprised
of any development in the case.

So now it's Jennifer.

- Whatever.
- Anyway.

The catfish alibied up. We
have to throw her back.

So now, we have to check
out all the other boyfriends.

It's gonna be a long night.

For me, yeah, but aren't
you and Tony celebrating

that yearly event that
we're not talking about?

I should stay.

Hell no.

Uh-uh. Come on. Because when it's my yearly
event, you better be sending me home.

- Let's go. Come on.
- Okay.

- Keep me posted.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go.

Thank you so much for your time.
No, you've been really, really helpful.

Yeah. Okay, bye.

Go, Frankie, go, Frankie,
go, go, go Frankie.

New lead.

Zeke Selkey, Nancy's convict boyfriend.

I thought he was in jail.

Was, until three weeks ago.

Released to a halfway house in Queens.

Zeke and Nancy used to send
snail mail letters to each other

which means he knows Nancy's address.

Could have been stalking
her, intercepted Hampson,

lured him down to the
river and then shot him.

That's a lot to assume, but it
is the best lead in front of us.

Maybe he'll show up at catfish Nancy's.

Billy, you go stake it out.

I can go too, with... Billy.

No, you and Frankie hit the halfway house.

If he doesn't show up, see
if you can get some intel.

I could ask Agent Barrington to help
me stake out Nancy's apartment.

That's a good idea, Soto.

You keep her involved, you keep the Navy
off my ass. I'll get her number for you.

Oh, it's okay, I got it.

So now I have to tell Captain Meeks
that I'm on a stakeout for a suspect

I didn't know existed until an hour ago.

- Thanks a lot.
- Okay.

How many times do I have to apologize for
my partner not keeping us in the loop?

Us?

Right. Like you didn't know.

I swear. Listen, we're talking
about Laura Diamond here.

I can't stop her when she goes rogue.

Well, that gives me a lot of
confidence in you as my wing man.

- Oh, now I'm your wing man?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's Meredith.

Meredith, what's up?

Zeke signed out of his halfway house
hours ago and isn't answering his phone.

- He might be coming for Nancy.
- Okay, Roger that. Thanks.

I, uh... just want to say that
I'm really sorry about Hampson.

It sounds like he was a really good dude.

Yeah, he was.

Crazy thing is that he survived three
tours of duty only to lose his life in some

misguided long-distance relationship.

Hm. That's why I keep my
romances short distance.

Yeah. I guess you don't really
know someone till you've

sat in a cold car with a busted radio.

And an unlimited supply of tuna.

It's Meredith again.

Meredith, what's up?

We have a description of Zeke. Male,
white, 32, 6'3, 240. Curly, dark...

Yeah, I pulled his mug
shot hours ago, we're good.

Okay? Thanks.

She's checking up on you. On us.

Detective Bose? Nah.

She's professional. Listen, we're just tight
like that, you know? Friendship tight.

Your pants are buzzing.

Do you want me to get that?

Oh, Meredith. Seriously?

Oh! It's Laura.

Hey, aren't you on some hot date?

Not anymore. Call off
the APB on Zeke Selkey.

And bring Nancy back down to the precinct.

- What's up?
- Our ex-con Romeo is deadio.

That's two boyfriends down, five more to go.

Zeke Selkey's body was found in the
same park where Greg Hampson was shot.

Two men, whose only connection
to each other was you.

- Why is this happening?
- That's for you to explain.

Zeke's been out of prison for two weeks.

You expect us to believe
you didn't know that?

He didn't say anything, I swear to you.

Why aren't you out looking
for who killed him?

'Cause maybe we're looking at her right now.

What? Me? Your detectives were
outside my building all night.

Zeke was killed two hours
before our people got there.

- You had plenty of time.
- No.

And maybe you ran into Greg Hampson on your
way home from the coffee shop last night?

We talked to the waitress
again, she is not so sure

you were there the whole five hours.

No! No, I was there. I was.

You don't actually care
about any of these men.

You manipulated them into sending you money.

And when Zeke and Greg got too close,
your lie was going to be exposed.

No! They used me.

My profile was fake, but what
I shared with them was real.

If all these relationships were
real, why did you need seven?

Because you can't rely on any of them!

They start out romantic but then pretty soon

all they want is for you to
say filthy things to them

and then I don't hear from them for days.

Then I would just... instead of breaking
up I would move on to the next one.

But that doesn't make me a killer.

So it's a coincidence that Greg
and Zeke died coming to see you?

What are you not telling us?

I, I wanna go home.

I wanna go home.

Nancy.

Are you on any medication?

Yeah.

What's your doctor's name?

Elizabeth Carlin.

Clinical psychiatrist, Upper West Side.

Should we go talk to her now?

Nah, it's past midnight.

Go ahead and clock out, I'll get Frankie
and Meredith on it in the morning.

We are keeping Crazytown overnight.

Need a lift?

Escorting me back to my cabin.

Quite the gentleman.

If I'm the gentleman I guess
that makes you the officer.

Tonight, I'm just Jennifer.

You mentioned you had something
to give me? About the case.

Right.

A list of Hampson's personal effects.

Thank you.

You know you could have
just e-mailed me this.

All of his other correspondences.

Redacted, of course.

You could have e-mailed me this, too.

- A stapler.
- Ah.

- A stapler.
- Mmm-hmm.

I can always use an extra stapler.

So now that I have given you something,

it's your turn to give me something.

Oh... everything I have to give
is on a need-to-know basis.

Well, I need to know what
is underneath this shirt.

You know what?

You may not be an official Navy officer,

but I'd like to thank you for your service.

Tell us about Nancy, Dr. Carlin.

Nancy's a deeply insecure woman,
she has some anger issues,

but in my opinion she is
not capable of violence.

Well, we'll still need to see your files.

Just to remind you, Nancy gave us
written permission, which allows us to...

No, it's not that. My office was
broken into a couple of weeks ago

and all of my notebooks were stolen.

Really? Could it have
been one of your patients?

Well, it certainly crossed my mind.

To your best recollection, were any of the
men that Nancy was catfishing the jealous

or aggressive type?

No, I don't think so. Half the time
we'd talk about her obsession with TV.

The Voice, especially.

She would talk to me for hours
and hours about who was safe

and who'd been voted off...

I was so happy Craig won. When he opened
his heart and he sang that Johnny Cash song,

I just, I cried listening. He was so...

Please continue.

Well, Nancy's cable always seemed to go out

right before the show
started and she'd panic.

She had to watch it at a neighbor's.

And I suggested to her that she DVR it,
but she said no, she had to see it live.

Only way to watch The Voice.

- Anything else, Dr. Carlin?
- Yes.

Recently she's developed
a deep-seated paranoia.

Paranoid? About what?

She's convinced that she's being watched.

It was about the break-in?

Nice outfit, Soto.

Liked it better when you wore it yesterday.

Oh, I did? Hm.

Smells like you did.

So whoever stole the notebooks
from Dr. Carlin's office

knows all about Nancy's boyfriends.

We find the notebooks,
maybe we find our murderer.

Incident report on Dr.
Carlin's office break-in.

Says the perp cut the alarm then
connected it again when they left.

We know that Nancy's cable keeps
going off and then back on again.

Maybe Nancy's paranoia isn't paranoia.
Maybe she is being watched.

By who? She's practically a shut-in.

You mentioned a very helpful neighbor?

Who knows all of her
habits, picks up her mail?

Duane. Lives down the hallway.

Super friendly guy.

Excuse me. Laundry coming through.

Yeah, and he told you that he lets her watch
TV in his place whenever her cable goes out.

And there were wires hanging down
from the ceiling of the hallway

next to Nancy's apartment.

Wanna bet one of those is a TV cable?

If he's that obsessed, he would do anything
to stop her from being with someone else.

He's seen her mail, he might
know about Zeke the ex-con.

Oh, I got a Duane Hartsuff right here.
Same address and he's got a record.

Ooh, that's him.

Two arrests for stalking, one for
assault, multiple restraining orders.

Super-friendly guy is sounding super guilty.

Duane Hartsuff, NYPD! We have a
warrant to search your premises!

Tae kwon do, take two?

- Police!
- Clear, clear!

All right, we're looking for a nine
millimeter, semi-automatic weapon.

Uh, those look like they
might be the notebooks.

Oh, yes.

Wow.

Anything incriminating?

No. Nancy's shrink has great
handwriting for a doctor.

- So this is our guy.
- We got him on burglary.

Now we've gotta get him on murder.

- Let's get on the computer.
- Okay.

What would a homicidal
sociopath use for his password?

Try 1-2-3-4.

What kind of lame-ass uses 1-2-3-4?

Don't judge.

Denied.

We're gonna need a tech.

Not if he's pulling a War Games.

What's that?

A classic film.

Come on, people.

It's about a professor who names his
supercomputer and password after

the most important person
in his life, his dead son.

Oh, like The Imitation Game?

What's that? The point is,

Duane's password may be the name of
the most important person in his life.

Nancy.

The mother lode!

Duane's hooked up to Nancy's Wi-Fi.

He's using a spy cam to
watch in her apartment.

So she wasn't paranoid, creepy Duane
was watching everything she did.

And reading everything she wrote.

He's even got a cloned account
and can send messages from

Nancy's e-mail without her knowing.

I bet he's been writing to our
dead guys pretending to be her.

Like the e-mail he just
sent eight minutes ago

to another one of Nancy's
boyfriends, Hector?

- Lunatic's gonna kill again.
- Not if we find him first.

If he can send an e-mail as Nancy, can't we
send him an e-mail pretending we're Nancy?

Hell yes, we can.

All right. So there's only one
thing that this guy wants more

than Nancy's suitors dead.

He wants Nancy.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Duane, my venture into the internet for love

has forsaken me.

Here we go again.

I now realize that the universe
has brought us together.

It is you who fills my heart with passion.

Can we rendez-vous?

Okay.

It's him!

- That was fast.
- Where?

Too depressed for home.

Meet me at my favorite old dive, Halligan's.

Rendez-vous at a cop bar?

He doesn't know it's a cop bar.

He's gonna learn the hard way.

We're going catfishing.

- Good with that? Okay.
- Yeah.

What can I get ya?

Uh, scotch, double.

Waiting for someone?

Ding ding ding.

Do I have to tip you extra for that?

What's she look like?

Hundred and 15 pounds, light brown hair,

cute little nose, sweet, sweet smile.

Oh, Nancy. You must be Duane.

Yeah. She had to leave.

She...

I was supposed to meet her here.

Sorry, pal, I see this a lot.

You're wrong.

The universe brought us together.

Well maybe the universe got cold feet.

Or maybe Nancy's just not the right woman.

She is the right woman.

She's my right woman.

You sound pretty confident about that.

I know better than anyone else.

Last joker brought her lilies.

Okay? Nancy doesn't like lilies.

- Floral residue.
- Probably lilies.

I hate to tell you this, but, um,
Nancy left to see someone else.

Who?

She mentioned a guy named Zeke.

Yeah, that's not happening.

Uh, I'm pretty sure that's what she said.

Well, she's not gonna find him.

I heard that guy took a
bullet right between the eyes.

He's an ex-con, though. What do you expect?

Shot.

- How'd you hear that?
- Nancy told me.

Nancy's been in custody since last night.

And she never saw the lilies that
Greg Hampson brought to her

because she was waiting for him in
a coffee shop for five hours, see?

There's no way for you to know
any of this unless you were there.

Sorry, Duane, but Nancy did
not invite you here tonight.

I did.

- No!
- NYPD! Don't move!

Take your hands out of your pockets.

Agent Barrington.

How about I take you to dinner?

We don't even have to eat in my car.

That would be great but, um,
I'm shipping out tonight.

Oh, uh... cool, when are you back in town?

Not sure, but it was a
pleasure working with you.

Ouch! Player just got played.

- Excuse me?
- She's just saying, "Shake it off."

Okay.

Just talked to the babysitter.

The birthday girl is en route.

Let's roll.

We've got to beat her there. Let's roll.

Let's roll, let's roll, let's roll!

Hello?

Surprise!

Wow!

Happy birthday, Mommy!

Thank you, sweeties!

Wow!

"Wow," is right, and just so you know,

I had nothing to do with
this princess party.

My house is pink!

- Isn't it awesome?
- Really... great.

Thank you, Frankie.

And thank you, everyone!

Happy birthday, Laura.

Now, okay, before this party gets rockin',

I just want to take a minute to acknowledge
the person who helped me plan it all.

Max Carnegie, couldn't have
done it without you, dude.

Oh, Max Carnegie.

Max, Max, Max!

Just so you know, I totally
invited your boyfriend, Tony,

but he had to work.

It's all right, Frankie.

He gave me his birthday present last night.

Ooh! Neat, what did he give you?

Uh, what he's been giving
me for about a month now.

Oh, those little brown pastry thingies?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Enjoy the party, Frankie.

Yes!

Who peed in your Cheerios?

Hi, um, have you met Laura Diamond?

She hates pink.

She loathes parties. Don't
get me started on games.

Okay? And then you get ambushed
in your own home and you're all...

Happy! I don't understand you!

I understand you. You
sabotaged Frankie's plan.

Right?

No! Yes, I can't lie to you.

She's perky and she's sunny and
she's odd, and those are my jobs.

Max.

You will always be

my perky, sunny, odd number one.

I promise.

Now go tell Frankie the truth.

Do I have to?

Why do you always have to be so right?

Yes! All right, come on, come on, come on!

Keep that up.

Soto.

Ironic case, huh?

Catfish Nancy, she had all
those loves from afar, but

the person who really cared for her was
right in front of her the whole time.

Literally right in front of her.

Yeah. Ironic, right?

Come on! How do you miss that?

Just pass the ball.

Happy birthday, Pinky.

Hmm.

Are you wearing eyeliner?

You only wear eyeliner
for special occasions.

You knew about this party all along.

Yeah, I thought so.

This pink cake is making me feel...

I know that look. Go!

Oh, hey!

So, is uh... is everything good?

With Max and you?

Oh, yeah. Turns out it was my initiation.

Oh, well.

- You okay?
- Uh, not so much.

It's like I'm still on the ship.

Ooh. Tender tummy, huh?

You must have been a wreck
when you were pregnant.

No...