The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 24 - Some Like It Lukewarm - full transcript

Okay, all entries sign up
here for the big time contest.

Don't be a shy person.
Get over here.

Okay, look. We need this
money really bad. Right?

- Right.
- Right.

So, the way to get it is to
act like we don't need it.

We assume a very casual, suave, debonair,
"who needs it" kind of attitude.

Yeah, we don't need it.
We don't need it.

What do you mean?
We do need it.

Micky, I know we need it. I know we need it,
but we don't act as if we need it.

Right. We kind of assume a
"who needs it" attitude.

- Right.
- Don't ask me. I don't know.



Thank you very much for signing
up over here, yes.

Sweetie. Sweetie, I'll see you later on.
What a contest it's gonna be.

You the guy with the, uh,
rock 'n' roll contest

where we pick up our
five hundred dollars?

- Yes, it is.
- Well, who needs it?!

You can pay us in small
bills, you know.

Something easy to carry out in a
guitar case. Tens, fives, fifteens.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- We'll take a check.

Are you snapped out of your head?

How about small currency?
Foreign coins?

No. No. Absolutely not.

Round salt wheels,
anything like that at all?

Yeah, hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.

I think I can see what this
gentleman's problem is.



He wants us to perform.
Watch this. Ah.

? Hello ?
? Hello ?

? Doo-doo, doo wah-wah ?

? Be doo-boop, be doop,
ba doo-ba da-boom... ?

? Be deep deep be dee... ?

And so, once again, ladies and gentlemen,
The Monkees broadcasting you high atop

the beautiful Chicago tower overlooking
Lake Michigan where you can look southbound,

south ground, sound, we walk up to

the microphone and ask
that musical question,

"So how's by you?"
Alright, where's the cash?

Cash? You guys don't even qualify.
Where's the girl?

- Where's the girl?
- Yeah?

What are you, a contest
manager or a house detective?

The rules clearly state that
it's a contest for mixed groups only.

- Oh, basses and baritones.
- Girls.

- Peas and carrots?
- Girls!

Republicans and Democrats?

No. I dig girls!
Where is the girl in your group?

I love girls! I snap over them.

Wait a minute, you can't-

That means that one of us is
gonna have to be a chick.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Well, we have to choose who's
gonna be the girl in the group.

We should do it on a volunteer basis.

- Davy.
- Sure.

No, not-no way in the world
anybody would believe I was a girl.

I am not gonna do it,
fellas. No way.

Heh.

Hi there, honey.
What you doing for dinner?

Hey. Hey, look, you guys,
how you gonna turn me into a woman?

After all, what is a woman but a rag,
a bone, and a hank of hair?

- Right. Rag?
- Rag.

- Rag.
- Rag.

- Rag. Bone?
- Bone.

- Bone.
- Bone.

- Ooh!
- Hank of hair.

- Hank of hair.
- Hank of hair.

Hank of hair.
Hank of hair.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

So, how do I look?

Kind of like a raggy, hairy bone.

Hairy, bony rag. B-but what
happened with the bone?

And it doesn't seem to look right.
It doesn't even fit, you know.

Listen, I don't even know
how to act like a woman.

Oh, well, that's a cinch.
I have here this book,

How to Act Like a Feminine
Female in Three Easy Lessons.

"Lesson one:
all feminine females must learn to

walk with small, delicate steps."

Not so good.

I think we better get a shorter rope.

Yeah, right. Shorter rope.

"Lesson two: when a feminine
female walks from north to south,

her hips must move from east to west.

A small, loud bell on each direction
will help to teach this technique."

- Faster.
- Faster.

- Slower.
- Slower.

- East.
- East.

- West.
- West.

- East.
- East.

- West.
- West.

- Faster.
- Faster.

- Slower.
- Slower.

I always wondered what the
noise was at our house;

it was me three sisters
learning how to walk.

"Lesson three: the feminine female
must glide like a swan when she walks,

with her head high, erect,
and motionless.

The best way to teach this is
to place a book on top of the head.

" Maybe you'd rather use a-a pamphlet.

Isn't this fun? Heh.

Well, here he is, our Miss-uh,
here she is, our Miss Jones.

- Nice. Lovely singer.
- Yes. Oh, yes.

Sign us up. We're The Monkees.

- Yes, sir.
- Heh heh.

- Ta-da.
- ? Hello ?

- Goodbye.
- ? Hello ?

Goodbye.

Okay, boys and girl, you're now officially
entered in the KXIW Rockathon Contest,

and you, my sweet, you are
very cute, my love.

- Huh huh huh huh.
- So are you.

Hey! You be nice to him.

Money. Money. Anything for money!

Right.

I'm telling you, fellas,
it's not going to work.

No.

They're bound to find
out I'm not a girl.

I'm telling you, girls,
it'll never work.

They're bound to find out I'm not a boy.

Great. Fantastic.
Westminster Abbies.

You know, those chicks are
pretty good, those chicks are.

- Great looking chick. Ah.
- I like them.

Yes, sir.

That guy with the beard's a
bit effeminate, isn't he?

Westminster Abbies!
Fantastic, weren't they, huh?

That's Harmony, Melody, Capophone.

Fantastic. And, oh, the boy.
That was William the Conqueror. Terrific.

And now, let's see what the
applause meter has to say.

How about that?

The highest reading on the meter:
a ninety-eight point six.

Seems normal enough to me.

And now, we got to bring on the
last group of the day, a fantastic group.

Three guys and a chick. They're
called The Monkees. Let's really...

My favorite of all of the favorite.
You look terrific.

Okay. Okay, fellas.

- Outta sight.
- Not a chance.

Fantastic. She's just too much.

She's trying to get offstage.

With his fool's gold
stacked up all around him

From a killing in the
market on the war

- The children left King Midas there,
- I like the arm around her neck.

as they found him

In his counting house where
nothing counts but more

And he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from
a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the
door into summer

With his travelogues of
"maybe next year" places

Oh! Get her back on
stage immediately!

As a trade-in for a
name upon the door

And he pays for it with years he
cannot buy back with his tears

When he finds out there's
been no one keeping score

And he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from
a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the
door into summer

Darling, come over here.

Yes, he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from
a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the
door into summer

Fantastic. What a beautiful girl.
To think that I flipped over her like that.

Fading through the
door into summer

Fading through the
door into summer

She's too much.

- Curtsy.
- Ooh!

Those were the fantastic Monkees.
Three guys and one girl phenomenon.

Now, let's see what they
get on the applause meter.

A ninety-eight point six.

Yay!

What? It's phenomenal!
It's a tie!

- A tie?
- A tie?

Aw!

Yes, a tie! Now, you
know what that means.

What are we gonna do about the tie?

That means that tomorrow
night, we bring both

groups back, and it's gonna be fantastic.

Hold on. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

- I'm not gonna do this-
- Don't worry.

The Westminster Abbies fighting
The Monkees. Don't miss it.

It will be phenomenal. It will
be a battle of the sounds.

I gotta tell you, guys.

I really feel good getting
out of this ridiculous outfit.

- Wait-
- Now, wait a minute-

You can't get out of
those clothes yet.

Not a chance.

Well, why not?

Well, what if somebody from
the show should come by?

- Yeah.
- Oh, Mike, that's ridiculous.

Miss Jones?

The Geator here. Big boss with the big
hot sauce, Jerry Blavat, Miss Jones.

See?

You were right.

Miss Jones?

Bid me enter, sweetie. I've got a beautiful
bouquet of roses, and I must see you.

You better answer him;
may get suspicious.

Um, I'm c-uh, I'm coming.

Hey, what about you guys?

- We'll hide.
- We'll hide.

Come on, Peter. No.

Ah, Miss Jones, you've snapped
my mind. I love you.

I love you, darling. Look what
I brought for you: flowers.

I think he's kind of cute.

- Yeah.
- You would.

I've loved you from the
first moment I've saw you.

Oh, Mr. Blavat, you're too kind.

No, don't call me Mr. Blavat.
Call me the Geator. Jerry to you.

Oh, Jerry!

I've got big things planned for you...

my chickadee. Believe me.
Let me tell you something.

If you play your cards right,
you may win the contest.

- Oh, uh, oh, really?
- Davy's winning.

- I think he's kinda cute.
- Davy's ahead.

Never in my life have I, The Geator With
The Heater, snapped over a fox such as you.

You are devastating.
It must be the mini.

It must be something about you
that makes my mind crazy with love.

His mind was snapped before he
came in, you know that.

Well, I'll have to think about it.

Think about it? Until tomorrow,
perhaps, but then after that,

my love will be all consuming.
I must leave you.

- Bleh!
- Uh!

But until tomorrow.
Remember, darling,

I will be waiting for you.
My mind, my love for...

- Blah!
- He likes you.

All you have to do is go out with him,
and we have a cinch to win.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
if you let him kiss you,

you might own a television station.

One more remark like that,
and I'll hit you with me purse.

Hey, Davy, man. Come on.
We're going out to dinner.

Why don't you, uh, grab
your purse and let's go?

Very funny.

Hey, wait a minute. Purse.
That's horrible.

Listen, if I have to go out to dinner
dressed as a girl, I'd rather stay home.

Well, uh, can we bring you anything?

Tuna fish sandwich.

- Right.
- Tuna fish sandwich.

- One tuna fish sandwich.
- Tuna fish sandwich, coming up.

Well, what do you say?

No! If I have to go dressed
like a boy, I won't go.

Okay, we'll bring you a
tuna fish sandwich. Bye.

Gee, what a wonderful way to spend
a beautiful moonlit Saturday night.

All alone. What a life.

I can't stand it any longer.

I'm gonna flip out if I stay here.
I wanna gonna go out.

I'll play it safe and go
where they'll never find me.

To some little out of the way
place that nobody goes.

Uh, may I help you?

Uh, no. I mean, yes.!I'd like
a very secluded booth, please.

I have a booth which is so
secluded that last week,

three of our best waiters disappeared while
trying to find it. Uh, follow me, please.

? La la-la la, la la-la la... ?

Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize anybody was...

sitting here.

You're beautiful.

You're... you're divine.

Uh, sir, there's been a mistake.

Uh, this booth is obviously occupied.

Eh. Eh. Amour.

And now, after all these
years of lonely searching,

we finally found each other. How wonderful.

And nothing will ever part us.

- Oh!
- Oh, Michael.

I've never ever been so hungry
in all my life.

I tell you, I'm gonna have more
spaghetti than this place sells.

Hey, listen, don't forget
Davy's tuna fish sandwich.

Not a chance.

And a salami that's long and hairy.

- Salamis.
- I've got to go.

Well, what's wrong?
What's happening?

Everything's okay, but when
you've got to go, you've got to go.

Wait, my darling.
You forgot your high heels?

Oh, there, you see, man.
He's out like a light.

Yeah. But I still think
I saw him there.

Hi, fellas.
Where have you been?

It was the, uh, uh, the, um-

Some Little Out of The Way
Place That Nobody Goes?

Yeah. That's it. Yeah,
the southside branch.

Oh.

It's too bad you couldn't come with us,
but we'll see you in the morning, okay?

We'll leave this out on the
kitchen table. Night.

Night, Davy.

Wait a minute. How did you
know where we ate?

[snoring]

Davy?

Hm.

Hurry up and finish you makeup
and meet us on stage in ten minutes.

Okay, Davy?
Where's your other shoe?

I don't know where she is. I mean, uh,
um, I always call my shoes he and she,

you see, and-and then I don't
get mixed up. Ha ha.

- Sure, Dave.
- Sure. Right.

- Sure, babe.
- Right.

We'll see you out there
on stage. Bye, Davy.

- Ten minutes, right?
- Ten minutes, babe.

? Na ha-ha ha-ha, ha ha,
ha ha, da da da... ?

Ooh! It's you.
Don't you remember me?

Yes, you're one of The Monkees.

That's right. I mean-oh!
I-I-I'm-I'm s-I'm

sorry I bothered you.
It'll-it won't happen again.

Wait. I have a feeling I've seen
you some place before. Your face-

Well, I look very much like my uncle.

He's-his picture's in post
offices all over the country. Ha!

And you're only wearing one shoe.

Well, that's what happens when
you get dressed in the dark. Ha!

And the shoe is just like...

like this one.

- It's you.
- That's right.

But I don't understand. Why are
you dressed like that?

Why didn't you tell me
who you really were?

Well, I've been putting everybody on,
you see, and-and besides that,

I didn't think that a girl as nice
and considerate and as pretty as

you would-would go for
somebody that wasn't honest.

I'm sorry. I won't bother you again.

Wait. I want you to know
the truth about me.

But why? I don't understand. You don't

have to answer that.
I-I really do understand.

What have we done?

I don't know, but it was terribly wrong.

You deceived me! You're not a girl,
you're a boy, and the contest

specifically says that this is
for mixed groups. You are disqualified.

But we are a mixed group.

No, you're not a mixed group.

Watch this.

Do the ronde ronde
ronde do the rond rond

How old d'you say
your sister was?

Sister was, sister was

How old d'you say
your sister was?

Sister was, sister was

Oh, yeah. Girls!
My heart now is mended.

Eye on her, eye on her

Do the ronde ronde ronde
do the rond rond

She hangs out,

she hangs out

I know you taught your
sister the bugaloo

Bugaloo, bugaloo

I heard you taught your
sister the shigaling too

Shigaling too,
shigaling too

Well, she can teach
you a thing or two

A thing or two, thing or two

Do the ronde ronde
ronde do the rond rond

She hangs out

She hangs out

Well, she hangs out,

hangs out

every night, every night

You know you best get
down here on the double

Before she gets her
pretty little self in trouble

She's so fine

so fine

I say, how old d'you
say your sister was?

Sister was, sister was

How old d'you say
your sister was?

Sister was, sister was

You know you'd better
keep an eye on her

Eye on her, eye on her

Do the ronde ronde
ronde do the rond rond

She hangs out

She hangs out

She hangs out

? I know a girl, her name is love ?

? She is the girl that I dream of ?

? She shows me love I never knew ?

? She'd show you how to love me too ?

? La la la la, la la la ?

Hey, Charlie. Charlie. Listen. Listen.
I wanna ask you a question, man.

Oh, first of all, let me
introduce you to the people.

This is Charlie Smalls. He's a
friend of mine from New York,

and now he's out in California,

and we're writing songs together,

and this is one of our
first songs, right?

Right.

Tell me, why don't I have soul?
You've known me

all these years.
Why don't I have soul?

You do have soul, but I have to
explain it to you, uh, rhythmically.

That's the only way I can
really talk is in music.

Your soul would emanate on the
accented beats one and three,

where my soul emanates on the
accented beats two and four,

and to give you a good example
of that, The Beatles-

Yeah?

-play hard and funky on
the one and three.

Ha ha ha. Funky!

But really, Ringo plays the
hardest one and three I've ever

heard in my life. Now if you
clap four, I'll show you. One-

-two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

? Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ?

One, two, three, four.

? Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ?

One, two, three, four.

- Yeah, right.
- That's the whole thing.

- It swings.
- I have-

- As long as it swings, it's soul.
- That's one and three, right?

Right. Now, an example of
two and four would be-

Now one and three is-
-more of a Motown sound.

-one and three is like,
is white soul, right?

Right. Exactly.

And the, and the two and
four is the Motown?

The two and four is Motown soul,

brother, so, you know,
give me something here,

give me five over here.
Uh, it would be the Motown soul,

which would be, if-clap again. One-

-two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?

One, two, three-oh, yeah!

? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?

The accent now is on the two and the four.

Look, I almost got carried
away. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Anyway.

But you can do the same thing
if you take a two soul,

which is emanating from
Brazil, and you play...

? Mm, be-doo-be ?
? Mm, be-doo-be ?

? Mm, be-doo-be ?
? Mm, be-doo-be-doo ?

? Mm, be-doo-be ?
? Mm ?

One... two... one... one, two!

Right.

Yeah. Right.

? Mm, be-doo-shicky ?
? Mm ?

Right. We're gonna do soul together
and come up with the same tune.

Yeah. Right.

Wanna try it again? Let's see.

? I know a girl, her name is love ?

? She is the girl that I dream of ?

? She gives me love I never knew ?

? She'd show you how to love me too ?

? La la-la la, la la la la ?

It's all the same, right?
So everyone's got soul.

? La la-la ?
Everybody's got soul.

It's just a different kind of soul.

Swing it, and you got soul, man.

A one and three, and a two and four.

And two-

And this is a one and two.

Everybody swing.

Yay!
? Da da-da da, da da-da da ?

? La la-la la, la-la la ?

? Da da-da da, da da-da da ?

? La la-la laaa, la la,
la la-la la la ?

Hey!

? La la-la la la-la la ?

Play it again.

? La la-la la ?
? Be-doogie-doo ba ?

? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?
? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?

Hey!

? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?
? Mm, ba, shicky-doogie-doo, ba ?

? Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ?

? Mm, ba, mm-mm, ba ?

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free