The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 14 - No More Mr. Noishe Guy - full transcript

(Mindy) It's been three months
since I left New York

for my fellowship at Stanford.

And not to brag, but I am
straight-up killing this bitch.

The program.
Not the patient.

(male doctor) Oof. Wow.

(Mindy) And I'm helping people
in ways I never imagined.

The in vitro was a success.

Congratulations, Mom.

You're gonna be a daddy.

I love you.
Aw.

Mm.



Okay.

I'll give you some space.

I've even made friends.

Yes, it's safe to say
I'm loving my life out here.

There's only one problem.

I hate California.

I mean, what's with this Alcatraz?

I'm just saying,
there's no movie called

Escape from Rikers.
You know why?

Because you can't.
Cool.

Can we please go out today, Danny?

Nah, let's just stay in tonight.

I'll make some pasta "frazool."

And I know what kind of produce
they grow out here...



puff, puff... so
I came prepared.

Oh, my God.

Look at this saus-eege.

I got into a big fight
with TSA over this stuff.

Come on, you're only here
for three days.

I want you to come out

so you can see my groovy
San Francisco lifestyle.

All right.
Fine.

But I'm wearing my bicycle helmet

just in case there's an earthquake.

I got you one too.

(Mindy) I knew that if I was going
to get the ultimate New Yorker

to love San Francisco,

I'd have to give him a weekend
he wouldn't "fuhged about."

Danny, slow down!
Stop!

And I could tell Danny was impressed.

The steep hills
make everything exercise,

and there were some trees
that were older than him.

The surprise was, somewhere in between

that big red bridge
and the famous street train,

I realized that San Francisco
was starting to feel like home,

and I'm gonna be sad to leave.

Okay, Danny, be honest.

Do you still think that this place

is just a giant weed dispensary
between dim sum places?

You know what?

I see the appeal.

Yeah?
It's your favorite place?

Get on your bike helmet and get down!

We're all gonna die!
Get down, Mindy!

Charlton Heston said
we should go to higher ground!

[sighs] Okay.

Now, where were we?

Yeah, I'm gonna go take a shower.

It's back on again!

It's back on again!

Everybody get down!

[hip-hop music]

(Mindy) Rob, why did you ask me

to meet you as this address all alone?

Okay, just because
I look like Olivia Pope

does not mean that I know
how to disappear a body.

What?
No, no.

All right, look, how would you feel

about starting a world-class
fertility clinic here?

What? Really?
Yeah!

Okay, wait. Just... all right.
Come in. All right, picture it.

You come in the door,
and this could be your office.

This is my office?

Yeah, the whole thing.

Oh, my God, I'd have a balcony
like Saddam.

Okay, just... look,
after your fellowship,

this is the next step.

You know, it is cool
that I can do stuff here

that I can't do in New York.

But what about
my little meatball back home?

Oh, that's the best part.
I thought Danny could come too.

Really?
Yeah.

You said he loved it when he came
and visited San Francisco.

And he made friends
with that drag queen.

I'm pretty sure he thought
that was the real Tina Turner.

Oh.

But "Lahiri, Castellano,
and Gurgler"...

rolls right off the tongue.

All right, so what do you say?

Let me discuss it with him
this weekend.

Because, who knows,
maybe Danny will be chill

about a huge life change.

When do you need to know by?

Okay, all right, we've got 72
hours if we want this space.

Because the city wants to
come in and turn it into a place

where rescue dogs can get methadone.

Damn San Francisco.
I know.

(Morgan) What? Lauren's moving?

(Jeremy) Yep, she's made up her mind.

Apparently she's going back to Texas.

Okay, which one is Texas?

Is that where Boston is?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So... Lauren's moving?

All I know is
that she broke up with me

because things got quite
too complicated here.

Ah. Complicated.

Have another hug.

I don't want another hug.

I've had four.

Thank you though.
So sweet.

Yeah, that can be...
oh, yeah.

You... you take your time.

Sorry, buddy.

Huh, huh, huh, huh?
[groans]

Your pokes are so hard.

Okay, I saw what you and Lauren
were doing.

I saw you two kissing.
What else did you do?

Nothing.
Topless hugging?

No!
Bottomless dancing?

No!
Prove it.

Show me a photo of you two
not doing it.

Okay.
You can't.

Yes, I can.
Okay.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

I am not happy with myself.

You think I have a chance with her

now that she's moving to Texas?

When am I ever gonna be in Texas?

Besides the biggest paintball
tournament in the world,

but I'm gonna be playing
paintball the whole time.

You're right.
You're right.

(Mindy) Hey, thank you so much

for picking me up from the airport.

It's only been a couple of weeks,

but you have so many more gray hairs.

When I first saw you,
I thought you were Roger DeNiro.

Ma says it looks presidential.
I don't know.

So what's with the surprise visit?

I still haven't fixed
the headboard from last time.

Okay.

Yesterday,
I was talking to Rob, and...

Hey, Danny?
Hmm?

Your neighborhood
sure does look different.

Where's the Freedom Tower?
Oh, no.

It's not my neighborhood, knucklehead.

See, this is why Ma should be
my Amazing Race partner.

Okay, but would she eat
a bucket of worms?

I would.

- Great. Now I'm hungry.
- We're in Harlem.

Harlem?
Yeah.

Are you taking me to the Apollo?

I can't go.

Katt Williams had me banned
for laughing too hard.

Hold on a second.
Hold on.

Okay, take a look at this.

See that building?

Oh, it's a really nice building.

Oh, no, not the nice one.
The one right next to it.

Oh.

Babe, it's ours.

What?

A brownstone in Manhattan
like you always wanted.

We can finally put down some roots.

This is it.

Wow, it's like the brothel
that Don Draper was raised in.

Check this out.
Okay.

Living room.
Dot and Mom hang out there.

Babe, we got a backyard.

Right now, it's a pet cemetery,
but not the haunted kind.

They got to disclose that.

You okay?
Yeah.

It just... the last time
we talked about

living together,
you were pretty resistant.

Yeah, well, since you've been away,

I've realized how important
it is that we're together.

Yeah. Together. Together.
Here in New York.

Hey, uh, just a reminder,
we should leave.

Human nighttime is rat daytime.

Thanks, Ray.

Is there a big rat problem?

No, it's no big deal.

No, it's... it's pretty bad.

It's a Temple of Doom type situation.

[scoffs] He's so over-the-top.

Yeah, it's a little, you know,
rough around the edges.

But, hey, so was I

when you first got your hands
on me, right?

I love it.

It's everything I've ever wanted.

Guys, they're coming.

I'm out of here.
I got kids.

Yeah, he's so dramatic
about these rats.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, we're doing
construction, but... Oh!

Okay, let's get out of here.

Guys, look who's here.

Hey, bitches.
The Bicoastal Babe is back.

#ItsHappening!

Who's here? Who's here?
Lauren?

Is it Lauren? Is it L...
Oh, it's you.

"It's you"?
That's very rude, Jeremy.

Look, can you not ride me, please?

If you can't tell
by my loosened Windsor,

I'm going through a lot right now.

Okay, well...

Hey, girls.

I'm back!
Did you miss me?

You were gone?

Well, of course she was gone.

She was picking up
her Nobel Peace Prize.

Your head healed real nice.

She thinks you're Malala.

Damn it.

Okay, well, great.

Really great to see you.

Oh, hey.

I got about 20 minutes left.

There's a sign-up sheet
over by Dr. Castellano's office.

Oh.

Oh. Whoa!

[thud] Ow.

(Mindy) Guys, thanks for doing

all my checkups simultaneously.

I wanted to do
all my medical appointments

before I went back to Palo Alto.

My God, your ear is like a wax museum.

I saw Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie statues in there.

I don't need a comedy routine.

[sighs]

What's wrong, Peter?
You seem sad.

You haven't done that hilarious joke

where you pretend
to find something in there.

I'm actually glad I'm getting
to do this exam on you today

because you're the only one
I can talk to about this.

What?
Do you have a secret?

Ooh.
Your secret's safe-ish with me.

So Lauren's moving back
to Texas today,

but between you and me,

things were just kind of
starting up again.

Starting up how?

They kissed.
I saw the whole thing.

[gasps] Dude!

Um, your blood pressure
is 1 billion over 1 million.

What's going on, man?
You got to eat better.

I know.
I'm just so stressed.

Do you think you could get me
something to eat?

The breakfast sandwich
with bacon, egg, cheese, ham?

Double bacon, double egg,
double cheese.

Hash browns too?
Yeah.

All right.

Okay, I am sorry

that Lauren is moving to Texas,
but it's her loss.

There's no guys like you there.

It's all just like oil tycoons
and cowboys

and football players.

Well, I mean, that sounds pretty...

I don't know.

What about you and Danny?

Things are going well there, huh?

Well, this is a secret.

I have this amazing opportunity

to start a fertility clinic
in San Francisco.

What?
Yeah.

I just love it there so much.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

That's a huge move.

I know, but so was moving to
Stanford in the first place.

Believe me, Peter,
life doesn't move in steps.

It moves in huge leaps.

That's a line from
Michelle Kwan's autobiography.

Michelle Kwan's not wrong.

(Peter) Lauren?
Lauren Neustadter?

Don't board that plane!

Peter?
What are you doing?

How did you get back here?

I bought a $1,000 ticket to Winnipeg.

Totally worth it.

Can we go somewhere to talk, please?

But I'm group one.

I get to board early 'cause of Henry.

This is only take a minute, I swear.

Group one,
passengers with small children.

Mm, o-okay.
Okay.

Lauren, you and I, I think that we...

Group two, elderly passengers
and active military.

Why not just put that in group one

if you're gonna move it that fast?

Look, Lauren,
I know you're not interested

in dating anybody right now.

Yeah.
But if you were just to maybe...

(gate agent) Now a special boarding
as we welcome

the New York Philharmonic.

There goes your overhead space.

Look, Lauren, I want to be with you.

Life doesn't move in small steps.

It moves in leaps.

Peter, this is amazing,
but I am moving to Austin.

I already bought a split-level ranch

and a book about barbecue.

Wait, wait.

Tell me you don't want me
to go with you,

and I will go.

I can't tell you that.

(gate agent)
This is the final final boarding

for people having a moment.

Oh, come on.
I... I got to go.

They're gonna make me bag check Henry.

Good-bye, Peter.

Think about it.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, my God, my baby.

You left...
Yeah.

She was right there.
She was watching. You're fine.

Bye, Peter.
Bye. Bye.

(Lauren) I'm sorry.

Bye, Henry.

Hey, awesome boyfriend.
Do you have a minute?

I wanted to run something by you.

Mindy, I told you,
I'm not gonna get an earring.

No, it's...
It's actually...

Guys, I've got some
incredibly major news.

I am effectively quitting

Shulman & Associates
and moving to Texas.

And I want to thank the one person

that convinced me to keep Austin
weird and follow my heart,

Mindy Lahiri.

What?

I think he's talking to you, Malala.

What? Wait a minute.

Why on earth would you tell
Peter to leave the practice?

I can't remember anything that I said.

It was a pap smear.

I was just focusing on not farting.

Not that focused.
You still farted.

You know, Dr. L also told me
to move to Texas,

but I was like, "No.

I care about my coworkers too much."

No. No, no, no.
I did not say that.

Oh, yeah, 'cause you haven't been

talking to me for two months.

Tamra, I live in California.

How dare you, Peter?
Chasing after Lauren.

If anybody should be
dropping everything

and moving to Texas, it's me.

You're gonna go to Texas?

Yes. Yes, I will.

Really?

Do you know, now is...
ugh, it's a bad time.

No, no, no, no.

Pete, why would you abandon us
like this?

We changed you from
an unemployable pervert

to an employable pervert.

And I will never forget that,
and I appreciate it.

Guys, I can't talk about this anymore.

I got to go find an apartment in Texas

on the off chance
that Lauren doesn't want me

to move in right away.

Peter...
[door slams]

Okay, people aren't leaving here
willy-nilly like that, okay?

That's not what we're doing here.

We have a contract.

Unless it's for something
really important

that you feel you must go to.

Absolutely not.

Just because you feel like
doing something

doesn't mean you can.

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

That's exactly what I wanted
to tell you.

I'm going to.

What?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go get a bubble tea.

I never had one before,
but I got to follow my heart.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, God.

No. No!

[groans] Why did I quit my job?

[moans]

Oh, Gurgler. Oh.

You did it again, Gurgler.
You did it again.

(Mindy) Look, I know my going-away
party for Peter is unpopular.

However, I do think
that the comments on the online invite

were excessively rude.

Sorry, I always speak my mind.

You look bad today.

I look like freakin'
Spring Awakening right now.

I threaten to quit almost every week,

and you never throw me
a going-away party.

Except a couple times.

Okay, Peter didn't do
anything wrong, you guys.

I think him moving for the life
he wants is kind of brave.

Or selfish.

(Jeremy) You know what
the brave thing would be,

would be not to follow your girlfriend

and instead staying true
to the condo lease agreement

you signed the year before.

Daniel.

You know what I think's brave?

Asking your boss for a raise

in front of your fellow employees.

[upbeat party music]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Mindy?

I am so sorry,

but I just caught two of
my friends doing drugs

off of this picture of your parents.

Oh, my God.

Why are you in here all alone?

What's going on?

Did Pube do something to you?

No.

I mean, he grabbed my ass,
I like that.

Peter, I'm just sad
that I can't even talk to Danny

about wanting to take this job
in San Francisco.

I mean, look at how
he reacted to your news.

He didn't even show up to the party.

And that's just you.

Tough to hear it phrased that way,

but I understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry.

A part of me feels guilty
for even wanting any of this.

Up until now, all I've ever wanted

was to live in Manhattan
with Danny and our 12 daughters.

We'd have a reality show called

Keeping Up With
The Castellanos Plus Lahiri.

Hmm.
It's a long title.

Yeah.
But, look, Mindy.

You're allowed to change
what they want in life.

People do it all the time.

But you know what I would do
is, I would tell Danny.

Just be honest with him.
He loves you.

He'll understand.

♪ ♪

Still here?
Hey, pal.

Let me guess.
You're skipping the party too?

Yeah, of course I am.

The gall of Peter,
leaving us all in the lurch.

Who does he think he is?

Father? Mother?

Yeah, well, you never have to
worry about that from me, okay?

I never bail on responsibility.

I still go upstate to water
a tree I planted at camp.

Yeah, of course.
We're gonna be fine.

We'll be fine.
How are we gonna replace Peter?

Who's gonna insert a photo
of his bottom

into my slide presentations?

Or when he hands me my breakfast
banana from his zipper.

He just...
[snickers]

What an idiot.
[laughing]

You know, there's a chance
without Pete,

Mindy and I wouldn't
be together right now.

(Peter) I want to thank everybody
so much for coming tonight.

I know a lot of you canceled

some very important plans to be here.

Yeah, no kidding.

When I first got to New York,

I was a chubby, jerky, immature loser.

I would cry all night
in front of my computer.

My only solace, a hand.

Maybe two.

Hear, hear.
To groundin' and poundin'.

You know what I'm saying.
Oh, God.

Anyway, then something
awesome happened,

something life-changing:

a group of really cool
vaginistas took me in.

Is he talking about

just the doctors
or also the support staff?

Shh!

Your "shh" was much louder than me.

Shhhh!

Anyway, I never do this,
but I want to single someone out,

someone who means so much to me.

Mindy Lahiri.

I don't think I'd be here today
without you.

You have shown me so...

Hey, cool!
Danny and Jeremy came.

Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?

I was just...
it doesn't matter.

What's going on?
Oh, it's so good to see you.

Hey, man.

I am so happy you guys came.
Thank you.

Hey, look, you're a great friend,

and you should do
whatever you need to do.

And Jeremy and Mindy and I,

we're gonna hold down the practice.

(Mindy) Now tell him you love him.

Tell him that you'll love him forever.

Yeah, I think the sentiment
is covered.

I don't do that.
Just tell him.

I get it. We get it.
"Bon voyage"?

Mindy!
You decided to do it?

Oh, thank God.

I already sent a really gloating
email to my alumni magazine.

Wait, Ron.
Why would you do that?

Because life moves in leaps,
not steps.

Haven't you read
Michelle Kwan's autobiography?

We cannot do this here
right now, okay?

Wait a minute. Wait.

Do... do what?

You, me, and Mindy

starting a practice
in San Francisco, huh?

[laughs] I'm so happy.

[plastic cup clatters]

Oh!
Oh, my God!

(Morgan) Dr. L, if you are going
to San Francisco,

what can you offer me
in terms of relocation package?

Mindy and I aren't moving
to San Francisco.

Is this a prank?

San Francisco is the worst...

[all agreeing]

Because of all the Chinese.

You said it. Wait. No, no, no.
[all murmuring]

No, San Francisco is not the worst.

It's beautiful, and it's inspiring.

And it's made me my best self.

I'm a better leader.
I'm kinder.

[all boo]

Okay, shut the hell up, trash.

Okay, just leave her alone, okay?

I'm sorry San Francisco
doesn't have everything

New York does, with your bedbugs,

your cold, your pathetic excuse
for a Chinatown.

Yeah, our dim sum's incomparable.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Fight! Fight! Go! Go!

[New York accent] So youse two have
been planning this behind my back?

Oh, no, Danny.

You only talk ethnic
when you're really furious.

Okay, listen, I was going to
tell you, I promise.

You don't really want to
do this, do you?

Maybe.

Yeah, I mean, at least
I want to talk about it.

I bought us a house.
I know.

Good job, guy from San Francisco.

You made Danny leave my party.
He just got here.

Well, enjoy the West Coast.

I'd like to have everyone's attention.

I am also moving.

I am moving from the basement
of my grandmother's house

to the attic.

Hey, dude.
What's up?

Hey.

How'd you know
which brownstone was ours?

Oh, there's a tiny rivulet of sweat

running out to the street.

So you want to tell me
what that wall did to you?

Hey, man, I don't understand.

Why is she moving away?

She wants to get away from me?

No, dude,
the girl's obsessed with you.

She has a mold
of your penis as her keychain.

I think this fertility clinic is
just a big opportunity for her,

for the practice, and for you.

Well, not for me.
I mean, I live here.

I live in New York.
This is my home.

Home is where the person you love is.

That's why I'm moving to Texas.

Now can I please...

Yeah.
Thank you.

Okay, no...
[both shouting]

All right, give me a bucket!

No!
What? I'm helping you.

Cover it!

I'm trying!
I...

What's up?

Hey.

Oh, God.

Did you inhale these again?

I know, I just thought
an apology would be funnier

if I did it in my Mickey Mouse voice.

[high-pitched] Hey, Danny.

I'm sorry you thought I was
gonna go to San Francisco.

[normal voice]
I don't know what to do, Danny.

I know that you'll never
move to San Francisco,

but I'm also worried that

I'm gonna regret it for the rest
of my life if I don't do it.

I get it, people change.

I mean, there are so many things
I couldn't picture myself

doing or liking before I met you.

And that's why I love you.

But I can only change so much.

Anyway, you wouldn't like me
if I became a different person.

You wouldn't like me.

You're right.

So what do we do?

[gentle guitar music]

♪ ♪

I don't know.

I don't know.

♪ April ♪

♪ Come she will ♪

♪ When streams are ripe
and swelled with rain ♪

♪ May, she will stay ♪

♪ The autumn winds blow
chilly and cold ♪

♪ September, I'll remember ♪

♪ A love once new has now grown old ♪

♪ ♪

[phone rings]

Hey, Peter.

I was gonna call you.

I feel like
I didn't get to say good-bye.

Yeah, I'm sorry I ghosted back there.

I just...
I thought it would be too hard.

You're kind of my best friend.

Oh, my God.

I think you're my best friend too.

You know, I'm also your doctor,

and your lab results came back.

Oh, no.

Peter, I could have gotten it
from anywhere.

I used a gas station toilet.

I wore a bathing suit
that I found in the street.

No, dummy.

You're pregnant.

Exsqueeze me?

[imitating Borat] Very nice, my child.

[normal voice]
I mean, it's... it's not mine.

Is it? I'm just kidding.

It's Danny's? I hope?

Okay, tell me how it happened.
But wait.

I want to hit record on my phone.