The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 13 - San Francisco Bae - full transcript

(Mindy)
I'm not going to lie.

Dating long distance
can stink.

You don't have a boyfriend
to help you around the house...

[grunts]

[screams]

[panting]

But at least modern technology
makes it easier to forget

that he's an ocean away
in New York.

But it doesn't help you forget
that every woman in Manhattan

probably wants
to jump his bones.

[phone chimes]
Hey.



Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

Since we last spoke an hour ago,
not much.

I've got to go see a patient.

Well, be careful, because
pregnant women are very strong,

and they're very horny.

Did you get the whistle
I sent you?

Yeah, I got it right here.
Hi. Hi.

I need to hear it.

[blows whistle]

Great.
Have a great day.

[phone chimes]
Hey, babe.

Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

I can't really talk right now.

I'm late for Terry at the gym.



The gym? Who do you need
to go to the gym for?

I, for one, am completely
letting myself slide.

[whispers] Even the Hispanic
guys have stopped catcalling me.

Yeah, that's great, babe.
I really got to go.

Bye.

[phone chiming]

Hey, babe.

Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

I'm just waiting
for a prescription.

For what? Gonorrhea medicine?
What? No.

I don't have gonorrhea.

If anything,
I have an ear infection

from talking on the phone
all the time.

Look, you got to stop worrying

about these cougars
ripping me to shreds.

I'm sorry, Danny.
Just, I miss you so much, and...

you look so cute
in that gray sweater.

Thanks, babe,
that's really...

Wait a minute,
how'd you know I...

Oh, my God,
I've been compromised.

Mission abort.

[screams]

Love you! Bye!

[hip-hop music]

(Mindy)
Hey, babe, tell me everything.

What's going on?
Did Morgan find his kite?

Hey, did that bear claw guy
asked about me?

He's not responding
to my emails.

Sweetheart, you can't spend
your whole time in California

talking to me on the phone.

You're in a new place.
Go experience it.

Would you go to Las Vegas
and not go visit

historic Lake Mead?

It's Friday night, Min.
Go out and have fun.

Me? The way I dress?
The way I flirt?

I'm always asking for it.

Wouldn't you rather
have me stay in?

No, I trust you, but it's time
to go out and meet a friend.

Hey.
Oh, sorry.

I got to... got to go.

Wait, no, I have to just...
I want to ask one more thing.

(Danny)
Are you kidding me?

Who would ruin
a perfectly good muffin

by putting chocolate chips
in here?

Whoo! Who's ready
to hang out tonight?

Tonight?

Three years ago I asked you
to hang out, and you were like,

"Oh, I'm too busy.
Ask me again in 2015."

That was three years ago
tonight,

so me and you...
[clicks tongue]

I remember that conversation.
I'm sorry, I can't tonight.

Wait, you told Dr. Reed you
didn't have any plans tonight.

Busted.
I wrote it in the notes.

Your notes?
This wasn't a meeting.

Notes for my memoir.

I owe Random House a draft,
like, last week.

You know what,
I'll just do what I normally do

on Friday nights:
I'll just sit on the stoop

and pretend I'm hanging out
with you.

You want to... take a muffin?

Thanks.

The chips are
the best part.

Look, Morgan,
come over tonight.

Me and you will hang,
just a little bit.

Just you, no dogs.

Just, you know, dogs.
No dogs.

Know dogs? Yeah, I know,
like, a million dogs.

I'll see you at 7:30.

[high-pitched weeping]

Hello?

[weeping continues]
Miss?

Why don't you open the door,
and we can just have,

like, a girl-to-girl chat?

Dr. Gurgler?
Ah, great. It's you.

Rob, what are you doing
in here?

You know,
I just moved in here.

Barb and I,
we're... we're finished.

Yeah, after she cheated,
you know, there's no going back.

Good for you.

I mean,
that's what she told me.

I'm still hopeful.

What? She cheated,
and she gets to keep the house,

and you have to live
in grad student housing?

Okay, well, we both...
we both messed up.

You know, my seasonal allergies,
they drove her to cheat.

She... she was justified.

This is sadder than sad,

but maybe we can help
each other out.

I need to make a friend, and
I see some rope in your closet

that I'm really
not crazy about,

so why don't we forget
about all this,

let's go to San Francisco,
and let's go make a night of it.

What, really?
Yeah.

I mean, you wouldn't
be intimidated

hanging out
with a supervisor?

Lucky for you, I have no sense
of professional boundaries.

Oh.

So let's put some pants on,
bossman.

All right.

I am so excited to hang out
one on one with you...

never happened.

I even made a list
of conversation topics.

London Olympics,
what did you think?

[Lauren chuckles]

That was weird, huh?

Having a summer Olympics in
a rainy locale is very strange.

I wrote letters...
No, no.

Jeremy's girlfriend just went
into Peter's apartment.

This is huge!
This is huge!

Do you think Dr. P and Lauren
are [whispers] frenching?

If it's out of the office,
it's none of our business.

Did I hear Beverly's voice
come out of an Elmo

in the middle of Times Square?

Maybe, but it's
none of our business.

No, you're right.
You're right.

It's not our business.

That's it.
Right.

[sighs]

You know I'm a huge wall nerd, right?
You are?

Yeah, I love 'em. I can't...
I can't get enough of 'em.

Yeah, I love 'em too.
Yeah.

And this one is really nice
and not too thick.

[muffled laughter]

[mouthing]

(Mindy)
I was hoping

for an authentic San Francisco
trans bar experience.

Guess I don't need
this anymore.

This place is kind of awesome.
Yeah.

Oh, there's a table.
You want to grab it?

Yeah, let's get it.

Isn't it so cool
that Danny trusts me enough

to let me spend a night
out on the town?

[Rob laughs]

You know, Barb and I
used to come here.

This is the table
where we decided

we didn't want
to have kids.

Well, she decided.

Forget about Barb, okay?

We're out in San Francisco,
the Windy City.

You could meet the love
of your life here.

It is Sin City, after all.

[chuckles]
Yeah. You're right.

You know, I-I used to be
quite the player

before Barb tamed me.
Ooh.

I find that very hard
to believe.

I once dated
a 49ers girl.

Oh.

If we're counting
their HR department.

That's the spirit, yeah.

Okay, I'm going
to go get us drinks.

You order every appetizer.
Okay.

Oh. Bartender?

I'd like to order a drink.

Excuse me?

Okay, don't make me
call you racist.

Can I get your oldest
Japanese whiskey? One cube.

(bartender)
You got it.

Oh.
I see how it is.

When the world's
most handsome man

orders a cool-sounding drink,
he is served immediately,

but when the world's most
handsome woman wants a drink...

Excuse me.
Are you Mindy Lahiri?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Are you
from the student loan office?

I knew this day would come.
No.

Mindy.

It's me, Alex.

I-I lost my virginity to you.

Whoa.

Rob, I want you to meet
my old friend, Xander.

Hey.
It's Alex these days.

Oh.
Alex Eakin?

Wait, you know him?

Alex Eakin is a tech legend.

He's WIRED magazine's
Person of the Year.

Well, I was last year.

This year
it's "Girls Who Code."

Yeah.
Wait, how do you know him?

Xander, as I knew him,
he and I shared

kind of a wild weekend
back in college.

Let me weave you a tale.

Oh, appetizers are here.

Mmm, delicious.

All right, now let me
weave you a tale.

The year, 2004.

America was still able
to enjoy the music

of R. Kelly without guilt.

There was something
going on in Iraq

that I don't exactly remember.

But most importantly,
a 24-year-old Mindy Lahiri had,

brace yourself,
yet to lose her virginity...

[Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl]

Armed in boot-cut jeans,
my cowl-neck sweater,

and prescription blue
contact lenses,

I headed back to college
to lose my V-card.

Who was my best prospect?

White guys who are
into Asian stuff.

And there I saw him,
Xander Eakin and his ponytail.

[romantic music]

Yeah, you'll do.

[slurping]

Wow, sex is cool.

I mean, there was more ponytail
hair in my mouth

than I thought, but...

Arigato.

[laughs]
Hey, let's keep hanging out.

I want to show you
this website I created

to share Monty Python videos.

I probably wouldn't use it,

because while I love
Monty Python,

I wouldn't want people
to know I watched it.

Would you use it
if nobody knew it was you?

Like it was anonymous?
I guess so.

Huh.

I could make posting
anonymous.

Scrub the user's IP address.
Mm.

Make it so people
have the freedom

to post anything they want.

Computer talk.

Will I see you again?

We could try the position
where I'm on top.

Missionary? I'd rather die.
Hmm.

This should just be
one magical night.

If you're lonely,
just say my name,

and I'll be there.

In your crank bank.

And he was always there
in mine.

Wait.
You were a virgin too?

But you gave me
so many notes.

Yeah. Well, you know,
medically, actually,

I lost my virginity
in a trampoline accident,

but that's an even longer story
for another day.

You know, Mindy,
I have to thank you.

You gave me the idea
to let users post anonymously,

and that's what put
VideoDumpster on the map.

Wait, you created
VideoDumpster?

That's my favorite place to get
all my A-list wiener.

Alex, I'm so glad
I ran into you.

Really?

Then why didn't you respond
to any of my emails?

Emails?
Yeah, emails.

Like the one I just sent you

asking to please include me
in the conversation.

[whispering] Can't believe
we're snooping on Peter.

I'm not nosy.

I don't even go to restaurants
with open kitchens.

None of my business.

[whispering] Okay,
you know what, you're right.

But if one of our friends
is cheating,

it's our duty
to figure it out.

We don't know
if they're cheating.

Maybe Peter and Lauren
are just friends.

(Peter) Okay, baby,
no more messing around.

It's time to put it
in your mouth.

That's disgusting.

Come on, just try it.

You liked it last time.

Open wide.
That's it.

First you didn't want it,
now you can't get enough of it.

No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, boy.

Oh, here it is.
From 2012.

You sent it
to my old college account.

Why didn't you answer it?
Well, I never got it.

All my alumni emails
go to spam

because they're always
asking me for money

because one time I fell through
a stained glass window.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

(Alex) "Mindy,
I know it might seem silly,

but I've never been able
to forget the night we shared."

Good-bye, Xander.

(Alex) "It motivated me to buckle
down and become the kind of guy

Mindy Lahiri would be proud
to call her boyfriend."

Good-bye, Xander.

"Nowadays, women throw
themselves at me for my money.

"The sex is amazing,
but it's also exhausting.

"I want something real.

"I'm coming to New York
next week.

"I know it's a long shot,
but I'd be honored

"if you'd be my date

"to People's 'Most Beautiful
Billionaires' gala.

"It's me, Rupert Murdoch,
and the hottest bin Laden.

I'll be waiting out in front
of my hotel until 7:45."

All right, let's go.

"I would be proud to have you
as my date.

Love, Xa."

I ended up having a three-way

with a couple underwear models
that night.

But I imagined they were you,
for some of it.

Okay.
[phone rings]

Ooh, I got to take this.

Madame Tussaud screwed up,
and my statue is only 6'3".

[laughs]

Don't go anywhere.

Wow.

Without me, there'd basically
be no Internet right now.

Yeah. Hey, you know what
else is interesting? Mm-hmm?

Since Alex has been here,

you haven't mentioned
the love of your life once.

What are you talking about?

I've talked about spareribs,
like, ten times.

Oh, Danny!
Yeah, Danny.

Well, how is that supposed
to come up organically?

"Oh, I love spareribs.

Oh, I have a boyfriend
named Danny."

Maybe I'm just jaded
about Barb.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh, you think I could look
at that email Alex sent you?

I just want to remember
what romance sounds like.

Sure.

[phone swishes]

What did you just do?

Oh, I just forwarded
the email to Danny.

But that's cool, right?

'Cause you and Alex are
"just old friends"?

Why would you do that?

You got Gurgled.

[phone buzzes]

What's up, Rice-A-Broni?

(Mindy)
Oh, Peter, thank God.

I need you to go
into Danny's computer,

and I need you to delete
an email.

His password is
either ThatStatenKid

or Vatican1Forever.

Did you take a bathroom selfie
and forget to flush again?

That was one time.

Okay, don't read the email.
It means nothing.

It would just bother Danny
for no reason.

Please, Peter.

[clicks tongue]

I just got the baby down.

Henry will understand.
Please, I'm begging you.

Fine.
Thank you.

I love you.
I love you.

Okay, Morgan,
we don't know all the facts.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Dr. Reed, it's Morgan.
I'm at Dr. C's house.

There's a cheating scandal
that is going to blow your mind.

You are involved.

[screams]
Are you crazy?

I need my hands
for crafts!

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to gra...

[knocks at door]

Yeah?
Hey, it's Peter.

Peter who?
I'm sorry, what?

You hide. I'll answer the door.
Okay.

Wait, he knows I'm here.
Why should I hide?

We'll both hide.
No.

We'll both answer.
Relax. Coming.

Hi, Pete.
Hey.

Hi.
Can I use your computer?

My Wi-Fi is out.

That's fine.

Yeah, it's fine.
Come on init's in the...

It's right in the...
It's in the bedroom.

Cool.
It's... ah.

What's... what's...

Is that Lauren's baby?
Shh. Yeah.

Lauren had to work late.
I babysit sometimes.

[whispers] He was talking
to the kid the whole time.

[phone chimes]

You were right on this one.
Thank you.

You know what?
I always say that...

What?
Huh.

What?

This is actually funny.
What?

Dr. Reed...
Yeah?

He got my message,
and he's going to come here.

When you just called him
right now.

Yeah.
He's coming here.

Yeah.
Is he going to freak out?

Why did you...
[screams]

Why did you leave him
a message?

Shh! Quiet down!
I told you about my hands!

(Danny) Sorry.
Just relax. We're fine.

(Morgan)
Okay, sorry, sorry.

What the hell is he doing
in there?

[footsteps approaching]

I ran all the way
from the opera.

Who's cheating?
Who's cheating?

Oh, that.
Uh...

That... that was just something
stupid that we... we thought.

We thought maybe Lauren...

I knew it, I knew it.
No, no...

Of course Lauren cheats on me.

It's not my fault
her baby hates me.

I can't make him eat,
I can't make him sleep,

and I can't make him
not poop on me.

You know, we have nothing
in common.

Whenever we hang out, I'm like,
"Is he being weird, or am I?"

I mean, of course
she would cheat on me.

I'm just a pedantic foreigner
with a silly "ecksunt."

(both)
No! What?

That's crazy.
Are you crazy?

No one would cheat on you.
Look at you.

The opera lover
with the... velvet cool cape?

Hold on.

If Lauren's not cheating,
then who's the cheater?

I...
I think personally...

That Morgan is.
Morgan?

(Danny)
Yep.

That doesn't sound a lot
like Morgan, does it?

With whom?

Dr. L.

Mindy?
You see? He's cheating with...

Wait, what?
[key bangs on piano]

[whispers]
Sorry.

It's true.

Danny, I'm sorry.

Mindy had me come over here
and delete a skanky email.

I didn't read it.
I don't know why.

But I can only assume
that this is what it was about.

This is better
than the opera.

[phone buzzes]

Sorry that took so long.
What's wrong?

Bitcoin for your thoughts?

Penny.
Sorry, sometimes I forget.

[both chuckle]

You know, I wish
I had gotten that email.

We would've crushed that gala.
They would've loved me.

I have a billionaire's
sense of entitlement.

Maybe we could've seen
each other afterwards.

[chuckles]

Hey, this is really fun.

Let's get out of here.

Do you want to go for a walk?
We can keep talking.

(bartender) Dude,
I thought I told you to leave!

You can't tell me to leave!

You're not my wife!

Huh? Yeah!
Oh, you like that?

Oh, my God.
Is that your friend?

Oh, God. Oh, God.
This is all my fault.

I should've just let him
kill himself in his room.

[speaking Japanese]

(Rob) Let me get him!
Let me get him!

Come on!
No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, ooh, look at me, big man.

Who's on top now, buddy?

Oh, God!

Yah!

[crowd screams]

Yah!
[screams]

Everyone safe?

[crowd murmurs]

This man may be pitiful.

He may be weak
and angry.

He's wearing
an extra-large tan polo.

And everyone heard that fart.

(woman)
Oh, yeah.

But you know who else
used to be a loser?

Me.

[crowd gasps]

One day, many years ago,

a cool, slightly older woman
rocked my world sexually,

so I can rock
the world technologically.

So let's forgive him.

Because who knows
what he may turn out to be?

Probably nothing, he's, like,
in his 30s, but...

he's okay.

Anyway,
I'm buying everyone's drinks.

[all cheering]

Hell, I'll buy the bar.

[all cheering]

Can I get four mojitos?

Yeah, you're drunk.
He'll have two.

Okay, can I have
two mojitos?

(Morgan) Yeah,
I feel terrible about this,

but Dr. L kept saying it was
the best sex she's ever had.

It wasn't even that good
for me.

[sighs]
Betrayed by a friend.

Oh, well.

"Oh, well"?
That's it?

No, that's not it.
Pete, you're right.

He cheated
with my girlfriend.

Okay, okay, okay.
Time-out, time-out, everybody.

He called me a friend.

The man deserves a thrashing
and then some.

But let's be adults.
Yeah, you're right.

Okay, look at Peter and I.
We went through this.

We forgave and forgot,
and now

he babysits
my girlfriend's baby.

Yeah, I know.

He puts so much
into a relationship

he gets
almost nothing out of.

(Danny)
Okay, thank you.

No, we're good here,
I think.

Puccini awaits.

Scusi.

You know, I think he's being
a little hyperbolic.

I get a ton
out of this relationship.

Yeah, I know.

I do got to run, because I got
to get this guy in the crib.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, go, go, go.

(Peter) Once again,
sorry about the spit-up.

Don't even...
Yeah, wow.

What a great night, huh?

Bye, Dr. P.
Bye-bye.

Why would you tell him
you were cheating with Mindy?

Sorry, it just popped out.

You also said I was a cheater,
for the record.

And a lot of people think

Dr. L and I do have
a very palpable chemistry.

No, they don't.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

Best birthday I ever had.

So do you want
to take that walk?

Oh, man.

Listen, Xander, if I had gotten
your email when you sent it,

man, my panties
would have exploded.

But now

it just makes me
miss my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Oh.

Okay.
Boy, he must be someone great.

Is it Richard Branson?
Dalai Lama?

Okay, it's obviously not
either of those guys.

He's just a local ethnic man
named Danny Castellano.

He might not have your money
or your height

or your tolerance
for other cultures, actually,

but he makes me happy,

even when he's, like, 100 miles
away, in New York City,

the City of Brotherly Lights.

[inhales]

What the hell?
Ow!

That's my boyfriend.
My boobs!

God! Why don't you
pick on boobs your own size?

Are you really cheating on me
with this nerd, Alex?

Is this because I fell asleep
during your TED Talk?

It was so boring.
It was ten minutes.

They can be very tedious.
Mindy...

uh, meet my girlfriend,
Grace.

Did I not say "girlfriend"
earlier?

No, you didn't.
But I didn't either.

But I did before you did.
And I did him before you did.

So, like, 12 years ago.

I was, like, ten then, thanks.
Okay, well, I'm ten now.

Like, 10 jillion.

I'm not 10 jillion!
Hey, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

That is my only friend.
Okay?

Obviously.

[screams]

All right, okay.
You should go.

She won the secret Hunger Games
we billionaires have.

Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.

We shouldn't have
done that.

You'll always be
in my bank.

(Lauren) Peter,
thank you so much for babysitting.

I'm going to need you again
next Thursday.

Jeremy has a flute recital,
and I can't miss another one.

Yeah. Okay, no problem.
Okay. Thank you.

You know what?

It's a big problem.

I don't want to be
your babysitter anymore.

What are you saying?

I did wish
for a birthday kiss.

Should've been specific.

[phone chimes]

Hey, babe,
you're calling late.

Just wanted to say,
"Hey, sugar, what's shaking?"

Hey, that's my line.
Oh, no.

Does this mean it's caught on
with old people? Damn it.

I was wondering,
did you talk to Peter

and tell him to delete
an email to me?

I did. I did.

But it was just a stupid email
from an ex-boyfriend.

I didn't want you to read it
and get worried over nothing.

No, come on. I'm not worried.
I trust you.

I trust you.

Ah, but only
about our relationship.

I do not trust you not to eat
junk food for every meal.

[crunch]
What are you eating now?

Sounds like chips.

Yeah, they're kralchips.

(Danny)
Krale isn't a vegetable.