The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 10 - Cold Splash of Truth - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

So that tongue-lashing you gave me
at the bar the other night?

What tongue-lashing?

The one where you basically told me
to be a player or not,

but to shut the fuck up
either way.

- That tongue lashing.
- The fact is, Jake, you were right.

Good, I love
to be right.

It warms me right down
to the sphincter.

The whole thing
the last few days

with Missy,
with Donna, with you...

I lost my shit.
I was so on edge,

I went to the massage parlor
to see Sachiko.

I love where this is going.
Did you get a happy ending?

Worse, I had sex
with her.



You had sex with her?
You you had lay-down dancing sex?

Worse still. I got the golden special
full-body naked pussy massage.

The number five?!
Wow! That is so...

God damn!
I am so happy,

and proud,
very fucking proud.

Excuse me, take a minute
say hello to a champion.

This is a man who
faced a wall head-on

and ran right into it.
He's a winner.

Shake his hand.

Let go of my arm
or I'll break your nose.

Fine. I just thought
you might want to share

in a little triumph
of the human spirit.

You're out of your mind,
do you realize that?

I'm just crowing,
let me crow.

The point is you were
right though, Jake.

I needed to be a player or not,
one or the other.

- I won't survive on the fence.
- Yes, sir.

I left the massage parlor,
I went home,

I stayed up all night
thinking about it.

This morning at breakfast
Donna is especially nice.

Out of nowhere she's finally decided
to forgive me for all my moodiness.

I felt like shit, Jake.
It was biblical.

The guy who finally gets
what he always wanted

and now wishes
he hadn't gotten it.

This wasn't biblical.
You didn't fuck Delilah,

you did a masseuse.
It's just guilt.

It's God's way of saying,
"Watch your back."

You'll be fine, you'll learn to live
with it. Don't sweat this.

I won't learn
to live with it.

That's my point, I won't
learn to live with it.

I'm not that guy.
I thought I was.

I'm never gonna
do it again.

- Please, please.
- I'm not, I'll never do it again!

You had the full-body golden
special naked pussy massage.

You mainlined. I've yet to meet
the man that did that once

and walked away.
You are hooked, sir.

Relax and enjoy.

Hey, you okay?

Uh, Carol problems.
How about you?

Micky problems,
actually.

You want to talk
about it?

I do, but...

I can't. I can't.

What's going on
with you and Carol?

She's burned out
on the whole money thing.

Her only answer is
to go back into advertising,

which means the kids will more
or less be raising themselves.

What I had when
I was growing up.

What I promised myself
they wouldn't have.

What are you gonna do?
You gonna let her go back to work?

If she wants to go back to work,
I can't stop her. What can I do?

Well, it's a hassle,
but you can

tape her down every morning
before you go to work.

The problem is you got to get home
before the kids do

to untape her
so she can make dinner.

- It's a hassle, but it can be done.
- Yeah, I know my wife.

I think if she
decides to do this,

it's gonna take more
than tape to stop her.

Okay, well, let me know if you
need any other good input.

# Oh yeah,
I can't understand... #

Whoa, hold everything.
You want to tell Donna,

that you had sex
with a Japanese masseuse?

- Considering it.
- No no, Mick.

You never admit this stuff, never.
Always deny.

Exactly.
Telling 'em is rude.

In fact,
it's disrespectful, man.

It's the old Lenny Bruce bit.
Even if your wife comes home,

catches you fucking some broad
in the ass in your own bed,

you turn around, you look her
in the eye and go,

"Honey, she was sick
and I was pushing her to the hospital."

What's up with you?

You guys ever
have dreams?

Not dreams really, but quick
little grisly day thoughts

that your wife dies
or something?

You have those thoughts?
Really?

'Cause I do, but you having them
surprises me.

Quick thoughts is normal.
Every guy's got 'em.

Wife dies suddenly,
you get the easy way out.

A free pass.
Perfectly normal.

Exactly, I have those.
I have those free-pass thoughts.

A cop comes to my office tells me Bianca
died in some painless accident,

hit by a pillow truck or something.
I'm devastated.

Then out of the blue
an insurance guy shows up.

It turns out that Bianca took out
this insurance policy on herself

to take care of me and the kids.
So now I'm rich.

Chicks dig me more 'cause I got a sad
story to tell of Ioneliness and loss.

Mine is always
about an accident.

It happens
at the airport.

Carol slips, falls
and goes into a coma,

and she just quietly
signs off in her sleep.

No shit? Slips and falls
at the airport, that's a good one.

We make a huge cash settlement
with the airlines,

we get to fly free
anywhere we want.

And on top of that I meet a really cute
stewardess and I get married again.

Wait a second. You go through all that
and you get married again?

Right away? You get
married again right away?

Yeah, actually in the dream,
she looks just like Carol.

What, are you retarded?
That's fucked up!

You go through that, marry some broad
that looks like your wife.

What kind of story is that?
Are you out of your fucking mind?

That's just creepy.

How about you, Mick?
You got a free-pass story?

No, I don't.

Oh, come on, Micky, bullshit.
Every guy's got one, come on.

I don't. I don't
think like that.

The old Micky would've
whipped out a good story

right there on the counter,
had us all in stitches.

What can I say?
I guess I'm not the old Micky anymore.

I got to go.
I'll see you guys later.

- All right, take it easy, Mick.
- See that, choirboy?

Marrying-the-stewardess-Iooks-
like-the-wife story bummed him out.

Probably going somewhere
to go throw up in a pail.

- You ready?
- Yep, I'm ready.

I can't wait.

There.
It's wonderful, isn't it?

It's amazing.

- Tell me you love it.
- I love it.

Do you really love it? Or are you
just thinking about the money?

No.

I do, I love it.
It's very warm.

It is warm, isn't it?

Listen, I got to
tell you something, okay?

I have to come clean about something.
I just... I have to, okay?

I can't hold
this back anymore.

This sounds serious.
What is it?

What is it?

You were right.
You were right.

Just there, I was thinking
about the money, I was,

I was thinking about the money
and that's not fair.

You worked really hard
on this place.

It's wrong of me.

I need to check
on Bobby.

Hello, Doug.

- Hi.
- Nice to see you.

Hey, hi. Listen, I need to talk to you
about something, okay?

What is it, Doug?

Micky, my name is Micky.
I know you know that.

Call me Micky, okay?

Last time I was here
when we did the...

- Lay-down dancing?
- Yes, the lay-down dancing.

I just...
it wasn't so good for me.

- Not good for you?
- No.

Sounded like good for you
when you doing it.

You sounded like a dog... a dog-food
factory, all howling and humpy.

That's not what I mean.
I'm not that kind of guy.

I thought I could get away
with it and I didn't. I didn't.

Your wife, she found you out?
You give her name of place?

No no, that's not what I mean.
It's just... I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry. I came here today
to tell you that I was sorry.

We shouldn't have done that, you know?
And I'm sorry.

What's so funny?

You...
apologizing to me

and no one ever...

Am I missing something here?
I don't get what's so funny.

Micky, it's too funny.

Oh my God, you are too much.
You are just too much.

- Wait a minute.
- All these months you come here

- and you don't want a hand job...
- Wait wait wait.

Wait a minute.
You're not Japanese?

No, I'm Taiwanese,
but I'm from Seattle.

Seattle?
You're from Seattle?

- Born and raised.
- So your name's not Sachiko?

- It's Midge.
- Midge?

Your name is Midge?

My parents wanted me
to have an American name.

So this is all
just an act?

It's good to make
customer happy.

Make them all feel
comfortable.

Oh, that's bullshit.

You're not mad,
are you?

I've just never had anyone
come here and apologize.

I didn't
apologize to you.

I said, I was sorry
that we did it.

I've enjoyed coming here
and getting a massage,

and talking to you and you know,
I got all messed up

and did something
I shouldn't have

and blown a good thing.
That's what I'm sorry about.

If you're not comfortable
I can just give you a massage,

like I have been doing.

You want
happy ending today?

Maybe happy ending
good for you.

Yeah, actually yeah,
I do want a happy ending.

Unfortunately, I'm probably gonna have
to wean myself back to monogamy.

Okay, you lay down.

I give you
happy ending.

Okay.

Missy is going
on the copy desk.

Staffing's sending up
some potential replacements.

Do me a favor, try to pick one
you don't want to see naked.

I have eight years in newspapers
and I specialize in copyediting.

I'm proficient on
all computer programs.

I interned at "The Tribune"
for one semester.

And I feel that I'm qualified
to work at this paper.

Right off the bat,
I want to let you know,

I've never done
this kind of thing, you know?

But I've seen a lot
of movies and stuff

about the newspaper
business.

- Okay, you're hired.
- Excuse me?

That's it.
Good. Done. Okay.

My lack of experience
doesn't bother you, or...

No, you're fine. You can get coffee,
right? That's basically the job.

What do you mean
by "get coffee"?

Like... get coffee,
or "get coffee"?

Which one is it?
That's like a trick question, isn't it?

Insider terminology?

Who gets to say
"Stop the press" around here?

- Do I ever... I don't.
- No.

So that's not...
that's upstairs.

Okay, you know what,
if you go down...

- Oh, out there? Okay.
- Okay.

Thank you, thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

Good night.

Oh, hey, I want to print
your phone sheet,

but this computer
will not play along here.

Oh.

It was off?

Okay.

I'll see you
tomorrow, okay?

Bye!

Bye.

Randall, you got a minute?
I need to ask you something.

It's not something that I should
discuss with my boss,

but I have a feeling that you know
what it is I'm going through

and I also don't know
who else to talk to about this with.

It's driving me crazy.
Can I buy you dinner?

You've known me
a long time, Barnes.

You know damn well
you can buy me dinner.

You ready
for the bombshell?

I had sex outside
of my marriage.

- Crimey, not with...
- No, not with Missy.

No, no, I didn't
have sex with Missy.

No, I had sex at
a Japanese massage parlor,

with a Taiwanese girl,

from Seattle...

named Midge.

Okay, go ahead.

That all makes no sense,
but what the hell,

we'll move on.

The point is I don't want
to be this guy, Randall.

I don't. Don't get me wrong,
I had a good time,

but I went right back
for some more.

Now I'm afraid
I might be addicted.

I feel like
I need to tell Donna.

One way to make sure
I never do it again is to tell Donna.

The other way
is castration,

probably both be
the same amount of blood.

I want to do
the right thing.

That boat already
left the dock.

You want to do
the next right thing,

keep your mouth shut.

Is that your advice?

Women today, you know... l-I don't know
them, I don't understand them.

Hell, in my day,
the women I grew up with,

they would have stormed and looted
the Clinton White House.

They would've strung him up
in the back from a tree.

Women today can accept
an awful lot more.

I'll get it. Hello?

Okay, pickle ass,
is she right there?

Hey, Melvin. Hi, how you doing?
What's going on?

Good, she's there,
do your little speech.

I personally think a trial balloon

to tell you what I already
told you is asinine,

but you're in charge,
so go ahead and do your stuff.

Really?
You're kidding me.

No.
No, but you're married.

A hooker?

A hooker?

No, I'm not judging you.

I'm just...
I wouldn't judge you,

I'm not that
kind of person.

You're worse,
you're a fucking yud-yud.

- Is she listening to this?
- Yes, yes, of course.

Good, is she buying it?

Yes, yes, I'm just...
I'm shocked.

I'm just... your wife?
You're gonna tell your wife?

I don't know if you
should tell your wife.

I wouldn't know the answer
to that question, I just...

What? Don't do anything drastic!
Don't do anything rash.

Promise me you won't do anything
to hurt yourself.

No, I'm not, but I'll smack you
in the back of the head

next time I see you,
you goddamn wack job.

Do your little dismount, and finish your
speech. I got some pool to play here.

Okay okay, well,
get some sleep, Melvin.

Get some sleep, and know
no matter what you decide,

I'm here for you, okay.

And I'm here for you too, cupcake.
Go fuck yourself.

- That's sweet. Bye.
- My mother.

Who was that?

That? Oh, that was just
my friend Melvin Fishman.

Melvin Fishman?
You have a friend called Melvin Fishman?

Yeah, I do. How's your work going,
story gonna be good?

- Fine.
- Good, okay,

I'm gonna
get ready for bed.

No wait,
what was that about?

I couldn't help
but overhear.

What, that in there?
Oh, that was nothing.

Oh, c'mon, it wasn't nothing.
Your friend... he slept with a prostitute

and now he's gonna tell his wife?
Is he distraught?

You were eavesdropping?
Wow, that's not cool.

C'mon, who is it,
who is this Melvin guy?

Is he a good friend? I've never heard
of him before. Is he distraught?

Micky, is he?
How distraught is he?

He's very distraught,
he is, so am I.

This is very upsetting to me.
I don't know what to tell him to do.

What do you think
he should do?

- You think he should tell his wife?
- I don't know.

Was it like a regular thing with this
girl, or was it just a one-off?

I don't know.

I guess it was between one-off
and a regular thing. I don't know.

I just know that the guy
really really really loves his wife.

He does, he tells me that
all the time.

He just really
loves his wife.

Well, he can't
love her that much,

or he wouldn't be
sleeping with prostitutes.

Is that your answer?

Is that your answer, is that what
you think I should tell him to do?

Is that what...
is that what you think?

You think I should tell him
that he should tell his wife?

I don't know.
People make mistakes.

I give him some credit
for being distraught, I suppose.

I'd give him
a ton of credit.

I think a ton
is pushing it.

He does love
his wife though, he does.

Yeah, well,
people make mistakes.

They do.
They do make mistakes.

And they feel really bad
about things.

Like this guy,
this guy's really distraught.

Yeah, so you
keep saying.

I still think he should've kept
his willy in his trousers though.

That way he wouldn't be on the telephone
crying to his mates.

He sounds like
a real wet fish, this one.

- I'm glad I'm not married to him.
- Yeah, me too.

All right.

I'm gonna
get ready for bed.

Mick?

Come out and see me.

Mick...

Micky...

Micky.

I want to say goodbye.

Is this how you end?

You had hard years...

hard on me.

But the grandchildren
mellowed you.

Who would've thought

you'd make such
a sweet old man?

But there is
one small fly

in the ointment.

Isn't there, babe?

What are you
talking about?

I mean the masseuse you banged
40 years ago, you little Jew bastard!

What the fuck
do you think I mean?!

When were you gonna
get around to telling me about that?!

You lowlife scumbag!

No no no no.

Donna, settle down,
settle down.

You gotta settle down,
settle down.

No no no,
relax, relax.

No no no, Donna.

# Sometimes people
make mistakes... #

Wait, she needs me,
she needs me!

# They play the game #

# Play hard to get #

# Then it all goes wrong #

# And they end up
being Ionely #

# I'm one of
those people... #

# Got me #

# You've got me... #

- Okay, hi, good morning.
- Hey.

Listen, I need you to do
some research for me.

- I'm on the run, or I'd do it myself.
- Okay.

I need you to find a nice, romantic,
quiet weekend getaway spot

here in the city,
someplace cozy.

Okay, what kind
of place?

I don't know,
you surprise me.

To do what,
I mean, for what?

You know,
go and hang out, and...

have sex, you know?

Come up with someplace
you'd want to go.

The ball's in your court.

- Hey.
- Hey, Devon.

I'm sorry to interrupt.
Can I ask you something about Micky?

- Yeah.
- What's his deal?

- His deal?
- Yeah.

I don't... nothing. He's a little
confused, but he's a good man.

Yeah, yeah.

I just ask because
he just invited me

to take this sexy romantic weekend
with him or something.

And that's not
really my style.

I should've known
when he hired me.

I mean, I don't
have any experience.

Thing is, I'm starting
to feel like...

like a little bit of
a piece of meat here.

I'm feeling
a little bit dirty

about the whole thing
right now.

'Cause, um...

this hasn't happened to me
since junior high.

And it's just
stirred up some memories.

Not you.
My wife!

I'm taking my wife
on a romantic sexy weekend, not you!

- Jeez, get a grip!
- Oh, okay.

You know, I thought that
you had said something...

Don't think!
No thoughts!

Your brain needs
to go white, okay?

I was just
asking Missy...

Don't ask
Missy anything!

It's over. You and I are not going away
on a sexy weekend!

- It's over!
- Okay.

Done!

Ahh!
Randall, hi!

I see you've taken care
of your little problem.

Okay, great, Tilda.
Thank you so much. Okay, bye.

We're all set, Tilda's on duty.
She's gonna take care of Bobby.

You and I, we're gonna check
into a five-star hotel.

We're gonna have a romantic weekend,
we're gonna do some very dirty things.

We're gonna sleep in late,
we're gonna have room service,

which I know for you is better
than the very dirty thing...

A romantic weekend?
No.

No, I've been trying
to be nice lately, Mick.

You have been, but so have I.

But there's way too much
unsaid, we're not there,

not in a place for a romantic weekend.
No, I'm sorry.

Honey, c'mon, babe,
I'm talking about a five-star hotel.

Room service, Sunday morning papers
from every major city in the world.

- You live for this stuff.
- Well, some other time, not now.

How about this,
the Motel Four?

We'll take a sack lunch,
we'll read their newsletter.

I think I'm in
big trouble, Kevin.

I think on some level she knows.
She has to know, that has to be it.

The fancy
hotel/room service thing

always worked great in the past.
This time I got nothing.

This is why I don't see
myself married, Mick.

Too many ways to get
yourself in trouble.

Like Jake,
that poor bastard.

Some of the shit this guy
gets himself into?

How about that time he got that Ilene
girl to go down on him in this booth?

How do you even
do that, man?

How does she fit
under this thing?

He must be like a magician
or something, you know?

I mean, look, Mick.

It's not that much room down here.
Look at this shit.

- There's not a lot of room under here.
- Okay, c'mon, get up.

Not for a serious
blowjob.

Man, what are you doing?

- She must be really tiny.
- Come on, get up.

Donna, hey.

Why are you sitting alone,
are you expecting someone?

- No no.
- May I sit?

Yeah yeah,
sit, yeah.

I just wanted
to come and find you.

I'm sorry about the way
I acted at home.

I know you have good intentions
about the hotel.

I just don't think
we're ready.

Listen, Donna, the truth is
I know how you feel, I do.

You feel like there's something
I haven't told you, am I right?

Yeah.

Well, there is.

But, the honest truth is
I just felt it was something

that you were better off
not knowing about.

I need to know, Mick.

I need to know who you are, where you
are, what you're going through.

I can't give you 100% if I feel there's
something you're not telling me.

- Is there someone else?
- No.

Have you strayed? I don't care how
innocently, but I need to know.

It's a big deal to me, Mick,
I need to know you haven't.

I have strayed.

- You have?
- Yes.

In my mind,
nowhere else.

I had this weird thing
with Missy.

- She invited me to her apartment...
- Did you go?

Yes.

And then I left,
nothing happened.

I left, I came home,
and that's when I walked in

on you and the contractor
and accused you of doing something.

- You were right.
- No, Mick, don't tell her that.

The very next day,
I went in and I replaced her on my desk.

And I hired the biggest
dumbest guy assistant I could find.

- Big dumb guy assistant.
- He's very dumb.

And that's it,
there's no more to tell.

No more.
No more.

We actually had a really
nice talk, Missy and I.

And it's fine, it's over,
she doesn't work for me anymore.

And the simple fact is that I love you.
I do, I'm crazy about you.

That's what the whole
hotel weekend getaway thing was.

Well, I guarantee you
the room service bill will be merciless.

- It will make you weep.
- That's fine.

Is that a yes?

I'll see you at home.
Good night.

Good night, Kevin.

Hey, what's up?

You can explain that one
to me over the weekend.

That should give you
time to come up with something good.

Hey, hey, Donna!
Donna! Donna!

Tell me again,

did anything happen
between you and Missy?

No.

And you
and anyone else?

No, no.

It was all in my head,
all in my mind.

It's a dangerous
place, that.

# Look at me,
I'm so disgusting #

# I will never find another
quite like you #

# You make me blue #

# With the things
you do now #

# Look at you,
you're so familiar #

# We could be
so cool together #

# All the time,
could all be fine #

# We're on the line,
the line is fine #

# Open up the window #

# The line is fine #

# Stepping on the ledge #

# Aw, but don't
look down #

# Looking
at the people #

# They all look fine #

# It's not just
life or death #

# And yesterday we
talked together #

# But tonight
it's just the weather #

# Chilling me #

# What's the point
of silly talkin'? #