The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 9 - Lay Down Dancing - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

Woosh!

See the cartoons?
Look at the cartoon.

Bobby, are you
okay in there?

Ow! Fuck!

Micky, what's up?

Hey, just getting ready for work.
What are you doing?

You know Patty Reynolds
in Classified?

I finally hit that last night.
It was great.

She lives the next block over, man.
I spent the night.

So I thought I'd take
the train into work with you,

be buddies and shit.

No, l-l... I would,
it's... I'm actually going in late.

I made breakfast
for Donna and Bobby.



She's gonna be
coming out any second.

Can I just say
this is cool?

Someday I want
what you have, Micky.

- A nice storybook family.
- You don't want what I have today.

We got in a fight a few nights ago
and I'm still in the shitter.

- So, come on.
- What? Fight? What happened?

I came home and she was
hanging out with Larry the contractor.

They were after work,
having fun and laughing

and I accused her
of liking him or something.

You actually walked in
on a makeup suck-up breakfast.

This is a married man
at his low point.

You don't want to see this.
You better go.

No no no,
I want to see it.

- I like this. I want to see it.
- No no.

You got to go, okay?
She's coming out.

No, man, relax.
She likes me. She knows me.

Don't be an asshole.
I'm in enough trouble as it is.

- Hey.
- What is he doing here?

Hey babe, I made
breakfast for everybody.

I got Bobby all fed.
He's watching cartoons.

- You look great.
- I said, what is he doing here?

- Him?
- Oh.

I'm... not.
I was just on my way.

Yeah, he's
leaving.

- Yeah, I gotta go.
- Good, do.

Go!

Man, you were
right.

This is some
scary shit.

You got it real good out there, Kevin.
Turn and run.

On your way down the hill,
warn the villagers.

Okay, so listen,

I made you a full
English breakfast.

I made all your favorites.
I got sausage, I got ham,

I got... fuck!

I got bacon.
I got everything here.

Look at that.

You'd think I was trying to kill you
with all that meat.

Okay look, I just
want to say,

what I said
the other night,

I'm sorry.
I have a big mouth sometimes.

What did you do, make out?
You want to fuck this guy, don't you?

Sometimes?
That's an understatement.

Okay, I say some stupid things.
All right...

You're eating.
That's a good sign.

I'm hungry.
Very hungry. Anger does that.

You were able to tell me
you have anger. That's good.

Communication skills are
important in a marriage.

A good marriage takes
communication,

takes work, okay?
And forgiveness.

- Want some more coffee?
- I do.

It's coming
right up.

It's selfish lust, Missy.

It's over. No more sex talk,
no more lunches,

and I cannot go to your apartment
anymore. It's over.

- Morning, Missy.
- Morning, Micky.

Well, look at this.
You got published.

"Missy Bartlett reports on the recent
surge in poetry raves."

- Good for you.
- Yeah, it's good.

- No money, but I'm a writer.
- Yes, you are.

- So listen, everything okay with us?
- Fine.

Okay, I'll be
in my office.

At least I didn't have
to make her breakfast.

Donna Barnes.

Hi, it's me.
Listen,

I just want to say you were
a first-class bitch this morning, okay?

Okay, big deal,
I was out of hand.

But I got up, I made breakfast,
I cleaned the house,

and you could have been
a lot fuckin' nicer, okay?

You better get
your act together.

I'm not one who takes a lot
of shit from his women, you hear me?

Donna Barnes.

Hey babe,
it's Micky.

I just wanted to call
and say that I was really sorry

- about what happened the other night.
- It's fine.

I'm in the middle of something
though, can I call you later?

- Later?
- Yeah, please.

Okay.
Bye-bye, baby.

Nice, nice
turn of phrase.

- Do you really think so?
- Yep.

- You ready?
- Hey, Micky, you see this stuff?

Your girl here's
a budding Mike Royko.

Yeah, I haven't had
a chance to look at it yet.

Missy, see if Alderman Constantine
can push lunch to Wednesday.

I'm gonna go see
the city parks people.

If they ask about the tax package
column, tell him it isn't written yet.

- Okay.
- Well done, girl.

Thanks.

What do you know?
What did she say?

You, you're
in the crapper.

Yeah, she's pissed,
she's sad, she's hurt, what is she?

She's upset.
She'll be fine.

She's happy about that little
alternative paper thing.

That's cushioning the fall.
It's a good move.

I didn't do it
for that reason.

Donna's pissed
at me too.

Everyone's
pissed at you but me.

I like that.

Puts me in
the power position.

You're buying me
lunch today.

- I am?
- That's right, bitch.

Okay, I'm going
to the taping.

Fine.

You gonna
keep this up?

Come on, baby,
I'm getting tired of it.

I said I was sorry.

I kissed ass.
What do you want?

I'm getting
tired of it too.

Fine, if you're tired
of it then let it go.

Just be a man,
will you please?

What does that mean?

It means I want to be
married to a man, not a teenager.

- Gentlemen.
- Oh boy, look who's here.

Hello, fellas.

We have a new writer
in our midst.

She has just
broken her cherry.

I think it's only
appropriate that she should

- drink free on one of us tonight.
- Yeah.

- My vote is you, Kevin.
- Yeah right.

Picture me buying drinks for a reporter
from "Chicago in Perspective."

- Oh...
- That's nice, real nice.

Hey, I'm Slayton.
Let me just say congratulations.

Missy Bartlett.
Nice to meet you.

Of course it is.
You're only human.

Let's see if you shoot pool as well
as you write, shall we?

I'm awful,
unless I'm drunk.

Really?

Why don't you
get me a drink

and I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.

Right through there.
All righty.

What the fuck
are you doing over there?

- What's going on, man?
- Yeah, man?

You know this won't
sit too well with Micky.

What are you talking about?
He doesn't own her.

She's just his assistant.
He's not going there, trust me.

There's a line you're crossing
there and you know it.

You never fuck a buddy's wife,
his daughter, or his assistant.

His daughter, maybe.
Depends how well you know the guy,

but his assistant,
wife, never.

He's right. Once I screwed
a buddy's assistant. It sucked.

Couldn't call his office
for like a year.

The less you boys worry about me
and the more you worry

about your silly fucked-up lives
the better off we'll all be.

Fine, screw me, but don't say
we didn't warn you.

You know what the bullshit
part about this is?

Even if she does
give it up to you,

she'll only be doing it
to piss Micky off.

- He's right.
- What do you bet

I still get a humdinger
of a hard-on.

If you're just joining us,

we're talking about the gun
control bill in the senate

on the heels of this
terrible tragedy.

Now, Sandy, you feel the bill
is good, it should be passed.

- Yes, I do.
- Micky, what do you say to that?

She's right. It's a good bill,
and I'm glad the mayor's supporting it.

Sandy, are you just
gonna let him

sit there and agree
with you like that?

Yes, I am.

You know...
Stop tape!

What the hell
is going on here?

The name of the show is not "Gee,
I Think You Have a Good Point."

You're supposed to cut each other
a new asshole.

Now, please can we
take it from the top again,

this time with
a little feeling?

Jesus Christ!

We're back
on a very tragic day.

I think one of us just lost
the slot on the show.

We're only good to them
when we're bickering, you know?

Who told them to come up
with that topic?

I know.

Had to pick tonight of all nights
to go off on me.

- Why, what's tonight?
- Nah, it's...

You okay?

Just having a little trouble
on the home front.

- Mmm.
- Donna's not too happy with me tonight.

I know that one.

Sometimes Matt gets mad
and he stays that way for weeks.

What do you do
to make him mad for weeks?

Oh... you don't
want to know.

Yeah, I do.
I'd want to know something like that.

You know,
marriage...

- it's tough.
- Tell me about it.

I wonder sometimes
if it's possible in this day and age

for us to be as pure
as we think we're supposed to be.

Must have been easier
in the old days when we lived on farms,

and went years without seeing
another member of the opposite sex.

Back when our spouse's
only competition was a mule...

Of course, knowing me,

I'd probably be fantasizing
about fucking the mule.

- Did I just say that?
- Yes, yes you did.

- Sorry.
- You are a very sick pup.

- Yeah I am, sorry.
- Hey, um...

I'm sorry.

Do you want to go get
some dinner or?

Dinner? Somehow the image of me
having sex with a mule

inspires you to ask me
to dinner?

Is that a yes
or a no?

It's a yes.

It's probably not safe for me
to go home anyways,

- so come on, let's go have dinner.
- Okay.

I can't believe
I said that.

Micky?

Wake up, Micky.

Micky.

Hey, hi, Micky!

Hi.

I loved being
with you tonight.

I think I'm gonna want
to have sex with you.

Oh God,
here we go again.

Oh, no, it's okay though.
I'm married.

I just want to fuck you,
and worship you,

and laugh at
everything you say.

And then go home
to my husband.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Who was that?

What?
That?

That was that
Sandy woman, wasn't it?

From the mayor's office.

Yeah.

So you're gonna fixate on screwing
her now, is that it?

Yeah,
I think I am.

I just got over one unfulfilled
sexual fantasy,

I'm not sure I have the energy
to do it all over again.

Then why don't you
not do it?

Why don't you obsess
about screwing me for a change?

Listen, babe,

the thing is,
it's all in my head.

It is, it's just
all in my head.

And I don't know
where it comes from.

- Since caveman stuff or something.
- Mmm.

I mean, I love
being married to you.

I do, I just... sometimes
I don't get a huge thrill

out of having sex
with you anymore.

I love you but sometimes
I just want to have sex

with anyone else
but you.

Can I say that to you
without you hating me?

Oh, in your dreams
you can.

I know, what about
in reality?

In reality can I say anything
close to that?

Not unless you're wearing
a full suit of armor, you can't.

Yeah.

And it better have extra strong
protection around the balls, got it?

Got it, the balls,
yeah, extra protection.

- Mmm, good night.
- Good night.

I'll tell you
again, Micky,

you really should have fucked me
when you had the chance.

God.

Randall, what's this I hear
you're taking Missy off my desk?

I'm thinking about
giving her a copy-desk job,

- get you a new assistant.
- Why?

- She's talented.
- So?

I'm doing you and her
a favor moving her along.

I like you, Barnes.
You're a good fella.

I mean you're young,
but you're not so young.

But you're at that age where you think
you're gonna explode.

You want to get
into a little trouble.

Not so much trouble
that it's real trouble,

but enough to get
the blood flowing again.

Am I saying
it clearly?

Yeah, yes.

Your assistant
isn't the answer.

I know that.

Okay,
what is the answer?

Oh, I'm the wrong guy
to tell you what to do.

I just know what you
don't want to do.

It all has
a price.

That's what you've got
to learn, lad.

It's a truth as old as the warts
on my Aunt Gilda's ass.

The concept of free pussy
is a sham.

It doesn't exist.

No such thing
as free pussy.

- I got it.
- Then say it back to me.

Say it back
to you?

- I want to hear you say it.
- Why?

I want to make sure
that it's seeped in.

There's no such thing as free pussy.
It's all got a price.

Now get your ass
out of my office.

- Where are we going, huh?
- Karaoke.

Karaoke.

Thanks.

Dude,
I mean Jake.

You know who I'd like to smack
the piss out of?

The guy that invented the dildo.
What was this schmuck thinking?

What guy comes up with the notion,
"I'm gonna invent something

that's bigger harder and easier
to live with than I am"?

Dildo's are a big business.
Bet that guy made a fortune.

Not my point. I'm talking about a bigger
door you can never close.

This guy single-handedly gave a planet
full of horny broads a reason

to stay home all by themselves
instead of going out grazing.

This guy's like the Oppenheimer
of sex toys.

Hey, Mick.

Jake and Missy in here
together all night?

They were here. What do you think
about the birth of the dildo?

It's pissing me off.
I can't stop thinking about it.

Should I
be pissed?

This has really
got him going.

So is he fucking her?
You think he's fucking her?

He's Jake.
Yeah, he probably is.

What do you think,
Slayton?

Of course
he's fuckin' her.

Thanks for soft-pedaling that for me.
You're good friends.

She's your assistant, Micky.
You shouldn't care.

- I shouldn't?
- No, I know you do, but you shouldn't.

Adult life
is tough enough.

Why is it that we
constantly manufacturer

needless things
to be upset about?

You know what
the problem is?

Our lives are too easy,
so we make them harder.

I'm not constantly manufacturing stuff
to make my life harder.

I'm not,
don't say that.

You are,
we all are.

We do it. This is
an easy time for us.

Sure we got problems
but they're good problems.

Why do you gotta come up here
and bum everyone out all the time?

Why don't you
get a hobby?

Hey.

- What?
- Nothing.

Just waiting
for you.

Waiting for me
to do what?

To apologize?
'Cause I already said I was sorry.

Oh, I know.

But you have something
else to say, don't you?

No, I don't.

What happened to the Micky that was
a constant stream of consciousness?

The one that always spoke
his mind no matter what,

shot from the hip,
told the truth

and dealt with the consequences
from there?

You're still that guy
in your columns.

You give yourself away to the world
four times a week.

Why aren't you that guy
with me anymore?

Poor thing,
he's starving.

I don't think we have
enough grain to keep him

from falling sick
like the other children.

A couple more days
to the border,

we'll get him
to the Red Cross camp.

You've got to
stay strong, okay?

The guerrillas...
everyone is scared.

You will not get
any of this

at Red Cross camp, Micky.

I have a little care package
down here for you too, no?

Micky.

Take me, Micky.

Make me to forget
hell that is my life.

Take me.

Take you? I'm busy protecting
my wife and my people.

The guerrillas,
they know we're here...

Yes, this I know.
But I am so horny for married man.

Take me.

Okay, quickly though.
Quickly, come on.

No!

No!

I am so
sorry, Micky.

I would say "Come, let's finish,"
but in truth,

I'm only horny
for married man,

and you are sadly
single now, yes?

If I followed up with something
similar, but on the national level,

it would totally
be different.

I gotta go.
I'll call you back.

What's going on
with you and Jake?

You can tell me
the truth too.

Don't worry,
I won't be hurt.

We fucked...
last night.

It was good,
we had a good time.

You fucked?
You and Jake, you fucked?

Do you want to say that
a little bit louder?

Some of our colleagues
over there didn't hear you.

What, you fucked Jake
to piss me off?

No.

Well, maybe at first, but then he was
so nice and funny, and...

he's a colossal fuck,
I get it.

- I don't want to hear this, okay?
- You asked.

Okay, you win.
I'm hurt.

You win.
I'm hurt, okay? Tag I'm it, I'm hurt.

Good, you should be hurt.
You should be good and hurt.

What are you
talking about?

You played with me, and I don't like
to be played with, Micky.

What do you think
Jake did?

We played
with each other.

Jake knows what he wants.
He doesn't go around

screwing with people's heads,
wasting their time.

You are a waste
of time, Micky.

Do you want
anything else?

Do you want printing,
or coffee or anything?

No.

Good, I'm going
on my break.

They got me in this little boat
and send me over to this island.

It's got this ring of clouds
around this volcano...

- Hey, Micky.
- Hey, Micky, what's up man?

Have dinner yet?
Want to join us, man?

Randall's telling war stories
and he's in rare form tonight.

I was telling them about this tour
of duty I did in the South Seas...

Jake, Jake, can I see you
alone for a minute, please?

Sorry, Randall.

- This is important.
- Fine fine.

Okay, Randall don't say
anything about that Kon-Tiki girl,

all right,
till I get back.

You fucked her?
You fucked Missy?

- Is that what she said?
- Yes.

I'd never say anything about that young
lady to make you doubt her honesty.

You're an asshole.

What are
you doing, Micky?

Going off like that
in front of Randall?

She's my assistant,
Jake, hello!

She's also young,
free, hot and single.

When are you gonna learn? When are you
gonna get your shit together?

We work with her.
This is not good.

We're fucked-up guys,
you and I.

We need to be on guard.
We need to be diligent.

- You know what's gonna happen?
- What's gonna happen?

We're gonna lose everything
that's important to us,

because of this silly,
inbred craziness.

- You're a fool.
- At least I treat you with respect.

How would you like if
I fucked your assistant?

My assistant would never fuck you,
Micky. That's the difference.

I didn't
fuck her, okay?

I didn't even
touch her.

I probably could have
and I might one day.

But right now,
she's just picking at you.

And I was having fun
flirting with her, nothing more.

You swear?

You swear?
Look me in the eye.

Shut the fuck up!
I have no reason to look you in the eye.

What do you wanna be?
Do you want to be a player?

Do you? 'Cause if you want to play,
play and at least enjoy it.

But right now, you're just
making yourself miserable.

You're not happy being
the straight married guy

and you're not happy
skipping out the back door.

It's wearing me down, Micky. I can only
imagine the hell you're going through.

Hello, Doug.
How are you tonight?

Hey, good.

You look sad
tonight, Doug.

Sad? I don't know if
sad is the right word.

What is
right word?

"Confused"?

Is confused
right word?

You do, you look confused
tonight, Doug.

You know what?
I want to do it.

I want to do it
tonight.

Oh, you want
happy ending.

No, I don't think a happy ending
is gonna do it for me tonight.

What you want?

You want
lay-down dancing?

Lay-down dancing,
that's what you call it?

Yes... you want
naked nookie.

Yeah, fine, naked nookie, lay-down
dancing, whatever you, whatever...

Oh, you want golden special
full-body pussy massage.

Yeah, fine,
however, whatever...

Or maybe you just
want to fuck me, Micky.

- Is that how you likes it?
- Yeah.

You want number five
just say number five.

Okay, can we just
stop talking now?

Or maybe you want
number six, or seven.

- Any number you want.
- Okay, shh.

Maybe we could do
number one,

special
number one.

Oh, I like that,
you like that?

- Yeah, shh.
- It's a new one.

- Shhh.
- # More than he #

# And more than she #

# They all sleep #

# We just dream #

# It's more or less #

# Means more for us #

# But it's more #

# Everybody
wants a hand #

# I'm too busy #

# Holding up
the world #

# To carry on #

# Oh, not anymore #

# I wish that I #

# Could fly, fly #

# Fly away #

# And if I should fall #

# And you hear me call #

# Would you stay? #

# He-ey #

- # Now, more than us #
- # More than us #

- # We are there #
- # We are there #

# They don't know #

- # What's in their heads #
- # What's in their heads #

# It's more than you
and it's more than I #

# But it's more #

# And everybody calls it love #

# But I'm not really sure #

# This is love #

# At all #

# No, not anymore #

# Anymore #

# Anymore, anymore... #

# Anymore #

# Anymore #

# Anymore. #