The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Strange Tale of the Crack Fox - full transcript

All right, Naboo. You got the money?

Look, I got a little proposition for ya.

You know, like,
you're always ringing up going:

"Have you got any cream
that can make me strong as a lion

and a peanut that can make me
see into the future

and pills for levitation, all that shit?"

What if I said I can get you
all that and more in one package?

Sounds good. What's it called?

It is called shaman juice.

- Is it strong?
- Is it strong?

I never seen anything like it.
It is the boomba-bing-bong-bong - release!



The only problem is
it's got some activation shit, yeah?

You got to hold it up
in the light of the full moon.

OK. Try that out.

(Bollo protests)

- It's amazing.
- Are you interested?

- I'll take the bottle.
- 400 euros, yeah?

All right, I gotta go, Naboo, yeah?

My mum's cooking me dinner.
I'm having spaghetti hoops.

- Do you like spaghetti hoops?
- Yeah.

They're good, ain't they?
All right, I gotta chip, yeah? See you later.

- Touch.
- Laters.

Long time.

Er... Naboo?

(Howard) Come with us now
on a journey through time and space.



(Vince) To the world of
"The Mighty Boosh".

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

Can't believe it.
Loincloths are coming back.

Really?
Are you gonna do any tidying up?

It doesn't go with my image. You don't see
people in Dazed & Confused tidying up.

You're not in Dazed & Confused.
You're in a second-hand shop in Dalston.

Why don't you do something useful?
You're the weak link in this operation.

I'm the linchpin. That's what Naboo says.
He says I add colour to the shop.

Does he? Well, Naboo's not here now,
and I'm in charge. It's time to pull your weight.

Put out this rubbish which I have securely
double-tied with a hygienic safety ribbon.

All right. Keep your hair on. I'll do it.

- What?
- What you doing?

- I'm throwing the rubbish out.
- You don't throw it out the back door.

- Why not?
- It's not a designated refuse area.

- A what?
- A DRA. Hello?

- What are you talking about?
- What happens to the rubbish?

I don't know. Does it dissolve in the rain
like a giant Berocca?

No, it doesn't. The bin men take it away.

- Who?
- The bin men.

As if they exist.
They're the stuf of legends, like unicorns.

Just cos you don't get up till 12
doesn't mean they don't exist.

They do a day's work before
you put your straighteners on.

- Can't they just pop round the back?
- No, they can't.

- Why not?
- They can't fit down the alleyway. Too narrow.

Come of it. I can fit. That's just an excuse.

You're not a real man, are you?
You're a puppet in an outfit.

Bin men are real men, tall as they are wide,
with big hands, big necks, big dreams.

- They sound awful.
- Can't all be models or in a band, Vince.

Some people do real jobs. What do you think
happens to short people with wide backs?

Do they lie down to sad music
and die like the Elephant Man?

What would happen
in a world without bin men?

Would it be the same but with a few more
KitKat wrappers on the floor?

There would be vermin running riot,
urban foxes terrorising the neighbourhood.

Urban foxes are nice.
All red and cute.

No, they're not. They're vicious, the scourge
of the bin man. His nemesis, if you like.

Why do you care so much about
the plight of the bin man? What is this?

- Do you wanna know why?
- Yeah.

Because I used to be a bin man.

(laughing) Shit of.

No way. Really?
This is huge.

- I don't see what's so funny.
- Sorry, I have to put this on MySpace.

- You're not going anywhere.
- Why?

You're staying here and tidying up.
See you later.

- Where are you going?
- Where am I going?

I'm going to Jazzercise.

- What?
- Working out to hot bebop.

- Circuit training to John Coltrane.
- Ridiculous.

When I get back I wanna see
all the bin bags moved from out the back

and in the designated refuse area.

- It'll take all night.
- How many bin bags are out there, Vince?

- Three or four.
- Won't take you long then, will it?

(laughs) Hello!

- Howdy.
- Who are you?

I'm the foxy man. (plays banjo)

Yeah.

(laughs) Ooh.

Right. Could you get out of here?
Cos I've got to clear all this rubbish away.

This isn't rubbish. This is my home.

That hole that you crawled through
is my front door.

That old skateboard there
is my transportation unit.

This old peach - why, it's my hat, sir.

- Look.
- Yeah.

Peach hat. (laughs)

Everything's diferent in my world.
Let me explain.

♪ I look at things that are diferent...

- Are you a prince?
- I am called Vince, but I'm not a prince.

Vincey princey. (laughs)

- I did a rhyme.
- Well done.

You should have a goblet of wine.

It's not really a goblet, is it?
It's sort of a tennis ball cut in half.

(laughs)

- What is this? Vimto?
- It's blood from a cat's face.

(laughs)

- Jesus!
- You like my joke?

- I gotta go actually, cos you're a freak.
- No, no! I didn't always used to be a freak.

Perhaps if you heard my story,
you'd understand me more.

- I don't really like stories.
- It's got pictures and animation.

- Cartoons? Cool.
- Move my galoshes and take a seat.

These are not really galoshes.
They're johnnies.

They're my squishy boots. (laughs)

♪ Everything's diferent in the world of me

OK, let's have fun.

That's not the film I meant to show.

That's the night-time film
for me in the night-times

for the fuzzy-tingle time.

Once upon a time, there was a fox
and he was called Jerome.

He lived in the woods, in Elderberry Wood.

His friends were Nicholas, the tennis rat,

and Dante, the racist badger.

Argh!

They spent their days puntin' down
the lazy rivers of Cambridge town,

occasionally would eat a cucumber sandwich

and sit under Mr Willow, the tree.

One day, whilst relaxing,

he found a copy of "Cheekbone" magazine.

It was in the bush. (laughs)

And he read an article about London life.

He read it over and over

and over and over again and over,

and then decided
he was gonna go to London.

His friends said, "No, you can't go."

But he decided he was gonna
cos he was a wilful little fox,

and he set off to the town.

We're on a train.

Three weeks later
he was off his tiny face in a gay club.

Hoo, hool The fun, fun times for himl

But the party lifestyle took its toll.

Eventually he ended up on the streets
begging for cheese in Dalston.

That fox, my friend, was none other than me.

The Crack Fox.

Hmm!

Yeah. How that never won a BAFTA
I will never know.

Can I come in your house?
You've been in my house.

It doesn't really work like that.
I'll see you later.

Aaargh!

What are you doing? You stabbed yourself
in the leg with a Biro.

Someone came in and stabbed me
when you were looking away.

I didn't see anyone.

- A poofter.
- You can't speak like that.

It was a Nazi. It was a Nazi man.

Oh, danger!

Oh, take out the Biro, sir.

Oh, you're like King Arthur.

- I'm going now. Bye.
- Oh, OK.

If you're going then,
can you do me one last favour?

- What?
- Bludgeon my face in. Kill me.

Pull me apart like soft bread.
Punch me in the tits.

Destroy me. Twist my head clean of.

Put me to sleep with your kind boots,
Mr Fancy Man.

Look, I couldn't do that. These are new boots,
they cost a lot of money. I'll see you around.

I'll just slit my own throat
and bleed to death here.

It's nice to have met you, Mr Kind Face.

- All right, come in for five minutes...
- (laughs)

...for a plaster and cup of tea, but that is it.

You must get out before Howard comes back,
cos there's no way he'll understand you.

(deep voice) I'll hurt you when we get inside.

- Hmm?
- Nothing. Just a funny, funny, funny sound.

One, two... one, two, three.

And sax... down, up, down.

And up, down... Feel it burn.
Feel that bebop burn.

To the right.
Now, come on, Tony. Get in step.

(Crack Fox laughs)

- It's nice here.
- It's all right, innit.

(farting) Ooh!

Ugh!

That is disgusting. What is that smell?

I'm-a done a tummy shame.

- That is well rank. What's wrong with you?
- It's my diet.

- What have you been eating?
- Head & Shoulders,

toothpaste and shit.

Big pieces of shit.

That's not a balanced diet.
You gotta sort it out.

Do you have some medicine for me? Maybe
something from the cupboard over there?

Shh! (laughs)

- You got a key for it maybe?
- I have, but I'm not authorised to use it.

It's Naboo's special medicine cabinet,
full of magic potions. He'd go mad.

Tell you what, I'll make you a cup of tea,
try and find you an Alka-Seltzer. All right?

- (deep voice) I'll make you wear a dress.
- Hmm?

- You wanna see a trick?
- All right.

Look!

(laughs and farts)

(laughter continues)

You know Diet Coke.
You can get that with cherries in it now.

Oh... What's happened here, Vince?
Have you shit yourself?

It smells like Head & Shoulders
and toothpaste in here.

- Oh, I've got a terrific headache...
- Have you been in my cupboard?

- No. Why?
- Someone has. I've been cleaned out.

- Of what?
- A pint of shaman juice.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

I was cleaning bin bags up from round
the back and I chatted to this fox and...

- Who put the bin bags out the back?
- Howard.

He thinks they dissolve in the rain
like a Berocca. What an idiot!

- Right. He's fired.
- What? That's a bit harsh, innit?

Vince, you don't understand.
This is serious.

If the fox uses the juice
he'll be unstoppable.

Bollo, get the magic carpet.
We need to sort this out.

OK.

Vince, this is your shop. Howard's finished.

Whoa! I don't wanna run this shop on
my own. No way! Me and Howard are a team.

- Did I mention you get this cape?
- Oh, OK. Cool.

Whoo!

(sighs)

Hi, guys. I am feeling loose
and jazzy fresh today.

- Get out. You're sacked.
- What do you mean?

You left bin bags out the back
and we've been robbed by a fox.

I never leave rubbish out the back.
I leave refuse in designated refuse areas.

- That's what I do. Yeah, Vince?
- Here we go. Lies, lies from tiny eyes.

Vince, tell Naboo the truth.
I would never do that.

- Hey, Naboo, is this dry-clean only?
- Vince!

Don't bring Vince into this.
Howard, you've done bad.

You've got to face the music.
You know what's coming.

- No. We don't need to do this.
- Bollo, hold him.

Naboo... Naboo... Naboolio!

We don't have to do this.
Be reasonable here, Naboo. Vince.

- I'm gonna have to turn my back on you.
- No.

Nooooo!

I don't you guys anyway. I don't need
this place. I've got bigger fish to fry.

Yeah. Irons in the fire.

Vince, I'll never forgive you
for what you did today.

Yeah, I'll give you a call Wednesday.

Naboo Randolf Roberdy Poberdy,
the Enigma.

You have been accused
of losing a pint of shaman juice,

the most incredibly powerful liquid
in the universe.

How did this occur, Naboo?

What happened was, this fox came in
and farted and Vince lost consciousness.

A fox came in?
What is this? Beatrix Potter?

Time and again you come in front of us
with these Jackanory stories.

This time justice must be swift and severe.

Fortunately, Saboo, no harm has been done.

The shaman juice only becomes active
under a full moon,

a complex process which a civilian
would have no way of knowing.

- Is that why we write instructions on bottle?
- Shut up.

Oh, dear.

Shit of! This is unbelievable!

You pair of plum preserves!

What were you playing at?

These are shamanistic secrets,
passed down from generation to generation.

There's a lot to remember with spells -

hold it under a full moon,
put in the shadow of a virgin...

- You dinlows.
- I've got a bad memory anyway.

I wonder why.
It's cos you're always on the wacky baccy.

You can talk. We've seen you at Glastonbury
with your nose burnt out.

When I go, I go large, granted.
But that's a once-, maybe twice-a-year deal.

You and that ape are on the weed every night,
smoking your minds to mush.

- At least I can handle my drugs.
- I can handle more than you.

We're not here to discuss
who can handle the most drugs.

- I wonder why.
- And what does that mean, Saboo?

It means that you take half an E
and you wet your little knickers.

I've seen you in a field, naked,
with just a sock and a whistle.

- You thought you were in The Shining.
- I was on antibiotics.

Changez le disc.

What about that time
you had three espressos?

We found you in the corner weeping,
trying to peel yourself like a satsuma.

I had an itch. I was itching my arm.
I'd changed washing powders. It flared up.

You used a glue gun once for some simple
DIY and thought you saw the black dog.

"I saw the black dog."

When it comes to drug-taking, I think
you'll find Kirk leaves us all in the dust.

- (Harrison) What is he looking at?
- Nobody knows.

- He's journeying far into the astral realm.
- (Harrison) He's of his tits.

He's on the shores of oblivion.
Kirk, if you can hear us, simply nod.

- Kirky.
- (Saboo) K Man.

Kirk!

Enough of this. Let us return
to the matter of shamanic justice.

It clearly states in the book of the law
that the penalty is death.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Really? It's a bit late for that, Bollo.

- Head Shaman, is there nothing you can do?
- I'm sorry, Naboo.

Naboo, I regret to inform you

you are to be executed.

- This is it, Bollo.
- (grunts)

We're close to the end. It's over.

♪ We've wandered down life's many paths

♪ We've had some times,
we've had some laughs

♪ We've smoked a bong or two, my friend

♪ And now that we have reached the end

♪ It's time to roll up a last one
and build a wand for the land beyond

Don't forget the roach.

♪ It's time to roll up a twelve-skin, Bollo

♪ Light it up in the sky

♪ And now we are flying to a higher place

Hit it now.

♪ We are flying to a higher place

♪ We are flying to a higher place

Bollo, what you doing?

Oh, sorry.

Naboo. Bollo.
I never wanted for this to happen.

Don't worry, Dennis. You did all you could.

Such nobility in the face of death.

- Did you get our last requests?
- Oh, yes.

Pickled Onion Monster Munch
and a Bombay Bad Boy.

Erm...

Oh, yes.

They didn't have Mandrill Wives.

Hope that's OK.

Do you think if I got the juice back
they'd set me free?

But of course. I shouldn't really do this,
but perhaps there is a way, Naboo.

Think upon the gifts I gave you
when you first became a shaman.

What, that radio alarm clock?

No. The mental gifts
that I bestowed upon you.

Fucking idiot.

(music playing)

- Hey, Vince. Can I borrow a fiver?
- Yeah, help yourself. Just go to the till.

- I've taken the lot. I'll pay you back next year.
- Whatever.

- Do you like my cape? It comes with the job.
- Wow, it's brilliant.

Yeah. Glad you girls have come round.
I've been meaning to ask you for a while.

- (Naboo's voice) Vince.
- What's up with your voice?

Vince, it's me, Naboo. I'm talking
through this girl. I'm using her as a conduit.

Hang on a minute. How do I even know
this is you, Naboo? This could be a trick.

You have to prove it to me. Tell me something
that only me and you know about.

Remember I caught you
licking that picture of Terry Nutkins?

Keep it down.
This girl doesn't need to know about that.

Don't worry, Vince. I've frozen time.
No one can hear anything,

When this vessel wakes
she won't remember a thing.

Cool. But can I say it was
Michaela Strachan that I fancied?

I had a Really Wild Show Annual.
I was giving her a good licking.

I looked away momentarily,
the wind blew the page over.

Next thing I knew
I was tonguing Nutkins. Ugh!

Yeah, whatever. Basically, I'm on death row.
You're my only hope.

You've got to get that shaman juice back
before the full moon, or I'm dead.

You can rely on me, Naboo.
I won't let you down.

(own voice) Oh... What was all that about?

Don't worry about that. Do you fancy
coming to see me DJ on Friday?

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

Why don't you give Terry Nutkins a call?

What am I gonna do?
What would Howard do?

Probably come up with a plan. It would be
pretty terrible, but he'd come up with one.

Maybe I could come up with a plan.

I could come up with a plan. Yeah.

Hm...

Maybe I should find Howard.

- Hey! Could you spare some change, love?
- Sorry, mate. I haven't got any.

Come on. You must have
some loose change somewhere.

To be honest I haven't even got any pockets.

All I want is just some coppers.

- This is a Joan Jett jump suit. I can't help ya.
- Ah...

Unless you take cards?

- Aye, I do, as it happens.
- Really?

- There you go.
- Fair enough.

- How much do you want?
- Call it? 58.30.

- That's quite a specific amount.
- Well, I have specific needs.

- OK...
- Ah... Keep your pin safe, sweetheart.

- Someone could steal your identity.
- All right.

- What brings you to this part of town?
- I'm looking for my mate.

- I know everyone who passes here.
- Maybe you know him.

- Tall bloke. Scruffy hair.
- No...

Quite jazzy. Sort of, does that a lot
with his arms.

- No.
- No?

- '70s moustache.
- It's not ringing any bells.

- Small eyes like a shrimp?
- Ah! Old Shrimp Eyes.

You'll find him down there, in that alley.

Cool.

Think that's done.

Hold on.

- There's your receipt.
- Oh, cool.

Keep that for your tax.
Donni is tax deductible.

- Thanks for your help.
- No problem.

- By the way, nice cape.
- It's amazing, innit?

- Nice hem.
- Check out the electric blue.

- I mean it. That is a beautiful cape.
- Take it easy, mate.

- Hey, Howard. Eating out of the bins again?
- What do you want?

- How's it going?
- It's going great, thank you very much.

- Why are you wearing that outfit?
- Because I'm a bin man.

Because these guys
welcomed me back with open arms.

- Who are they?
- They're my crew, my street brothers.

Yo!

What are they all about?

They're real people, real friends.
Don't toss me aside for a silver cape.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Howard.
You know what I'm like with clothes.

Remember when I pushed that kid in front of
a lorry cos he was on my Topshop voucher?

- I need your help and so does Naboo.
- It's too late.

Naboo sacked me. He turned his back on me.
You betrayed me for a cape.

- How can I know you won't do that again?
- I did say sorry.

It's not enough, little man.
I need a gesture.

A proper gesture.

All right, I got an idea. Check this out.

Donni!

Hey, you like this cape, don't you?

- You can have it if you want.
- Are you serious?

Yeah. There you go, take it.

Nobody's ever given me anything in my life.

And here you are, a stranger,
giving me a wondrous cape.

This is the most beautiful day of my life.

I was gonna rape you
and leave you in this bin, but now I amnae.

I'll pay you back
for this act of kindness one day.

- You don't have to worry about it.
- I do worry about it. I worry about it a lot.

Loves it.
So anyway, Howard, are you in or what?

OK. But if you drop me for a shiny hat
in two weeks, that's it. OK?

- The old team back together again.
- That's right. Don't touch me.

- He's not here. Are you sure this is the place?
- Yeah.

- Where can he be?
- Why don't we ask the Plan Pony?

Plan Pony, where's the Crack Fox gone?

(neighing) Look beneath your feet, Vince.

- Thanks, Plan Pony.
- A pleasure.

He's in the sewers.

- It stinks down here.
- Yeah, you get used to it, Vince.

- I did.
- What?

I used to work these tunnels
back in the day.

I was a sanitation inspector
before I was a bin man.

First I've heard about it.

I've done many things
you don't know about, Vince.

I've lived many lives.
"Many Lives" Moon, they call me.

Yeah, when did you exactly
live these many lives?

We went to school together, college together,
and we've been working together ever since.

- You're forgetting a gap year, Vince.
- We went travelling together.

- Before we went travelling, Vince.
- What, in that week?

Yes. I packed a lot in, thank you.

You spent the whole time wandering around
looking for the ideal flask.

- You wanted a flask for every continent.
- Can you shut up? I can hear something.

...to laugh at the humans' rule.
Time for us to rise up together and take over.

(laughter)

All we need now is the light of the full moon.

I'm a full moon, yeah,
making all the juice activated.

(Crack Fox laughs)

Mm... Good bubbles.
Good to see bubbles.

I'm gonna drink it down. Oh, come to me.

I am the Crack Fox. Behold my power.

(laughs maniacally)

Mm... Drink my whirlwind of filth.

Vince, of you go!

(squeaking)

You made a big mistake
letting me in your shop.

I'm gonna wipe out humanity -
starting with you, lady man.

(yelling)

Listen, you fucking mutt.
You lay one finger on Shrimp Eyes' wife

and I swear to God I'll fill your face in, pal.

You forgetting one thing.
I'm powered up from the magic juice.

Well, I'm powered up from juice of my own.
The old electric soup.

I'm the electric soup-erman.

(yells)

(Donni) I'm gonna bring you down!

- No! Not the needles!
- Diddly needle-time!

- No!
- Fiddly-dee, fiddly-doo, fiddly-die!

Argh!

(roars) Give me my juice back!

Come on, my bin-bag bitches!

Argh!

Naboo the Enigma.
The time has come for your execution.

It is not a job any of us wanted.

So to protect the identity of the executioner,
he shall be wearing a hood.

I can't get up these stairs.
What is this bullshit? I asked for a ramp.

I wonder who that is.

Maybe we should have got
someone with legs to do this.

- Wait! We've got the juice!
- Naboo is saved.

(cheers)

What? Oh, great!
I don't believe it.

All day I've been getting into
the mind-set of the executioner.

You can't turn those emotions of like a tap.

Can it, Harrison.

I won't sleep tonight.
I'll be wriggling all over the place.

Mrs Harrison will be furious.
This is, my friends, an outrage.

Let us celebrate in our customary
sombre and measured way.

- Let's have it large!
- Peyote all round.

Sounds fun.
I've got a headache, but you...

Come on!

Come on, Dennis, you berk.
Get that peyote down you.

Well, I suppose I could have a drop,
couldn't I?

Good boy.

(Saboo) Dennis.

Denny?

Den-man.

Vitamin D.

Come on, Den.

Denzel?

Denzoid.

Skipper. Come on, Den.

Come on, chief.

(Harrison) Dennis.

We've not even taken the drugs yet.