The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Killeroo - full transcript

Howard is going to fight a kangaroo but he needs some training first.

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Hi. My name is Howard Moon.
This is my apprentice, Vince Noir.

Apprentice? Get stuffed.
You're my apprentice.

- Don't start showing out.
- Or what?

l'll come at you fast,
like a Northern bullet.

- l'll put a move on you.
- l've felt your moves.

They're like being caressed
with a natural yogurt.

l've got new, powerful moves now.

Yeah? Did you send off
for some new ones?

- Yes. They arrived this morning.
- First post?

- Yeah. The post that hurts the most.
- Well, come on, then.

l'll take you out for a meal
with Mr and Mrs Pain.



- (Scoffs)
- Order up some violent quiche.

- D'you want some?
- Come on.

What's that? That's nothing.

Feels like nothing.
But that's the vibrating palm.

Two hours from now you'll go to
a shop, buy a hat, it won't suit you. Ow!

There's no way. Look at me.
My hair's virtually a hat.

- All hats suit me.
- You'll see.

- Yeah. l will.
- Enjoy the show.

..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #

- All right?
- All right.

Did Mrs Gideon ring for me?

As if she's gonna ring for you.
Oh, l mean, she might do.



Yeah, why would she ring for me?
She thinks l'm an idiot.

Come on, there's plenty of reasons
why she wouldn't ring.

Maybe she's trapped in a cabinet.

She doesn't get trapped
in cabinets, OK?

People get trapped in cabinets
all the time. Doctors, dentists, lawyers.

Haven't you seen the show?
''Captain Cabinets, trapped in cabinets.''

''Can he get out? Will he get out?''
Yes, l have seen it.

She's over there.

- Oh, yeah.
- There she is.

(# Orchestra)

Oh, sweet lady
With your face like a cream oval

And your nose
like a delicious slope of cream

Your ears like...cream flaps

And your teeth like hard,
shiny pegs of cream...

(Blender whizzing)

D'you mind?

- Mm?
- Doing a poem. For Mrs Gideon.

Come on. l think you're going about it
all the wrong way with Gideon.

- What d'you mean?
- You ask her out, she says no.

And you hang about her garden
all night, weeping into her fishpond.

- How do you know?
- lt's in all the papers.

''Man kills koi carp
with human tears.'' Pages 4-44.

They interviewed one of the carp.
He was furious.

Oh, it's all salty. l'm freshwater.

l don't think you understand women.
What d'you think women like?

- Trumpets?
- Trumpets?

- Bookmarks.
- They like edgy characters.

- l've got edge.
- You're as edgy as a satsuma.

l'm a crazy man. l'm a nut job.
l'm a freakball.

l break through all boundaries.

lf l see a boundary, l eat a boundary

and wash it down with
a cup of hot, steaming rules.

(Animals chatter, screech)

(Sighs)

(Feedback)

(Mr Fossil) Moon, come to my office
right now. Thank you.

- Run along, Dangermouse.
- l'm not running along to Fossil.

- l'll go in my own sweet time.
- You're Fossil's bitch.

- That's the word on the street.
- Who are you? T-Bone Wilson?

Leroy saw you dancing for Fossil
in the moonlight, in little blue pants.

l don't dance for Fossil.

He gave you coin, you gave him booty.

Listen, l was playing Fossil
like a pipe. Yeah?

- Whatever.
- l was putting a move on him.

As if your moves work.

- Nice hat.
- Thanks.

- (Door opens and closes)
- Yeah, l got the moves.

l don't run along to Fossil.
Go in my own time.

(Fossil) l won't tell you again, my bitch.

l had to see him
about something anyway.

(# 10cc: Dreadlock Holiday)

# l was walkin'in Downing Street

# Concentratin' on truckin'right

# l heard a dark voice beside of me

# And l looked round
in a state of fright

# l saw four faces, one man

# A brother from the gutter

# They looked me up and down a bit
And turned to each other

# l say, l don't like cricket... #

That's why l don't like cricket.

- Was there anything else, Mr Fossil?
- Oh.

You know those guys
with the little hands?

You know, with the big pockets?

With the little version of themselves
in the front pocket.

- Kangaroo.
- Yeah.

Anyways, we can make 'em fight,
make lots of money.

That's against my principles.

Animals should never
be made to fight one another.

Not one another, glossy dick. You!

Me? l'm not doing that.
No way am l fighting a kangaroo.

How about, Moon,
l give you this...cup?

lt's polystyrene.

That's not gonna swing it, Mr Fossil.

All right.

l didn't wanna have to do this, Moon,

but l've got pictures of you nude.
That's right.

l'm gonna put 'em all over my body
and run around the zoo.

You can't do this.

Oh, yeah? l got
a Xerox machine that says l can.

Your fight's in two days, Moon.

Note to self. Pocket cup.

Mm.

(Big cats growling)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How'd it go with Fossil?
- Well, not great.

What he wants me to do is fight
with a kangaroo. To make money.

- A kangaroo?
- Me, one on one with a kangaroo.

- You'll get your head smashed off.
- l know. l'm not doing it.

But he's got pictures of me naked.

Which he's says he's gonna put up
if l don't fight.

l've got nothing to be ashamed of
but it's embarrassing.

We see pictures of naked people
all the time. lt's not... Oh, Christ!

- What?
- What's that?

- Everyone's got that.
- No, there.

- lt's just normal.
- You're a freak!

- lt's just...
- l don't wanna see it live!

- lt's just that. Vince.
- Get away!

- Vince!
- You're not right! Get away.

(Growling)

(# Electronic ballad)

# Disfigured and alone

# Crawling in the shadows

# Must l live like a freak?

# Deformed, useless and embarrassed

# Freak, freak #

(Monkey gibbers)

Mind if l sit down?

What are we gonna do?

Have you thought about
joining the circus?

- Do something, or we're in trouble.
- How are you in trouble?

Mick Jagger didn't hang out
with the Elephant Man.

What am l gonna do, more to the point?

lf Mrs Gideon finds out about this,
it's over for me.

- What if you fight the kangaroo?
- What?

lmagine if you fight the kangaroo
and beat it. You'll be dangerous.

You'll have edge. Gideon'll be
all over you like a flannel.

- Good plan.
- lt's perfect.

One problem.
How do l beat a kangaroo?

- l'll train you up.
- You?

- You'll train me up?
- Yeah. l'm a Cockney bitch.

l'm a ragamuffin from the streets.

You're a French duke,
if ever l saw one.

- You lie around eating soft cheese.
- l'm a chimney sweep.

All my family are into boxing.

All of them, even me auntie.
She loves it.

My family are nutters.

My uncle once punched a man
so hard his legs became trombones.

The man had to
leave the ring like this.

(Makes trombone noises)

- Are you gonna help me or dance?
- Let's get going.

- What's this?
- l could only get one size.

Your size. Nice.

Carlos Santana wore these when
he was training for Woodstock.

- He could have washed them.
- Let's check out your opponent.

Got these videos off Naboo.
Kangaroo videos.

(Australian woman ) A kangaroo,
if attacked, leans on its tail

and using its hind legs,
disembowels its prey in sec...

- (Tape spools)
- That's not true.

..adult kangaroo can
punch through solid steel...

(Tape spools)

lf a man was to fight a kangaroo,
he would be immediately killed.

lt's not the video l was thinking of.

This is the one.

# Skipper, Skipper, the kangaroo #

(Australian man )
Skipper, you all right, mate?

Skipper, you psycho, get off me!

He's gone berserk! He's killing everyone!

Skipper, no! l'm being disembowelled!

(Laughs nervously)

Erm...let's not concentrate
on your opponent.

Let's go to my uncle's gym.
He'll know what to do.

He's great. He knows
everything about boxing.

Come on, Carlos.

Look at this place.

Ah, just as l remember.

The old ropes. All right, Ralph?

- This is great. What d'you reckon?
- Smells a bit funny.

- A bit funny?
- Musty.

The smell of brutish men,
squirting out hot jets of man-foam.

You'll be doing that.
That's my uncle.

Throw a net over him. All right.

Take him out to dinner. Right.
Don't kiss him!

Let me have a word. You wait here.

Oi! No women in here.

lt's me. Vince.

Vincie! l thought l'd lost you forever.

lt's nice to see you, but if you do
that again l'll rip your eyes out.

- l'm gonna be a boxing trainer.
- Right.

- This guy is my star pupil.
- Let's have a look at him.

He looks like a retard.

- When's the fight?
- Tomorrow night.

There's only one way
to get this boy ready for the fight.

- Training montage.
- With music.

- Yeah!
- Stop.

('60s adventure-film music)

- Vincie. We've got a problem.
- What is it?

lt's this cup.
l don't know what to do with it.

Sometimes l wish
there was a kind of pocket cup

that someone could invent,
that you could drink...

- What we gonna do with Howard?
- Oh. He's hopeless.

But l've got an idea.
lt's an old boxing trick.

You build up his confidence
by letting him beat a weaker opponent.

- Yeah.
- Nice.

- l'll go get someone.
- Great.

Easy does it, Margaret.

- Hey, Howard.
- What's happening?

We're down to the critical stages
of your training now.

- Right.
- Sparring.

Sparring. OK. Who am l gonna fight?
This guy here?

l don't think so. He's way too dangerous.
That's Micky The Fist.

(Gong)

What about this fella?

- l don't think so.
- He's more my standard.

Not really. That's Jimmy The Reach.

He doesn't look like much,
but check out his arms.

(lndian music)

- OK. Who am l gonna fight, then?
- Don't worry about it.

My uncle's found someone with
the exact proportions of your opponent.

Yes! Whoa-ho!

Whoa! Stay down!
Stay down there, you little midget!

- Loser!
- Yes! Howard Moon!

l rain down the pain,
l'm Monsoon Moon.

l'm comin' at you like a beam,
like a laser.

Don't try and stop me. l'm quick,
like lightning. l'm frightening. Oww!

You want a piece of me now?
You got nothing!

l'm going to have to
teach you some manners, boy.

Come on, then.
Step into the painy season.

- l beg your pardon?
- Painy, rainy. Get with the lingo.

Listen, you hooligan.
l'm going to get you.

Not today, but one day you will feel
my pugilistic rage upon your face.

- l always get my man.
- Whatever.

- Come on, l've got the moves.
- Get out of there.

He's seen what's going on.
He saw my boy.

- Whoo!
- He saw the damage he did.

- Whoo!
- See you later.

You do know he's gonna die, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Monsoon Moon, they call me.

What about Thunderstorm Moon?
He comes in like a heavy shower of pain.

- Nice. Or Hailstone Howard?
- That's good.

- Hey, Howard. Gideon.
- Oh, yeah.

- Tell her about the fight.
- Right.

- Be a bit cool. Don't be too eager.
- Yeah.

Hi, Mrs Gideon. Big fight tomorrow
for me. Hope you can make it.

- Please come. Please.
- Cooler.

- Bitch.
- Not that cool.

Nice...bitch.

Get out the way. l'll deal with this.

- Hey, Mrs Gideon.
- Hello, Vince.

- How's it going?
- Oh, OK.

- That's my boy. l'm training him up.
- Oh.

He's hot. Big fight tomorrow night.
lt's gonna be exciting.

- Really?
- l can get you a ringside ticket.

Well, l'm not so sure.
l don't really like violence.

Right. Just out of interest,
what do you like?

- Trumpets.
- Trumpets?

- Trumpets and bookmarks.
- Right.

- Hey, Naboo. You gotta help me.
- Where are my kangaroo videos?

- Oh, l forgot 'em. Sorry.
- That's a fine.

- A fine?
- Five euros.

Whatever. Help me with Howard.

- The Raging Bull?
- More of a Demented Swan.

He's gonna get killed.
ls there anything you can do?

(Whirring)

What was that, you jack of clubs?

l said could you help me,
not blow dust in my eyes.

lt is magic dust.
What is he, a muppet?

(Birds coo and cry)

Howard, l've been thinking, yeah?
l mean, you're a sensitive man.

D'you really wanna be fighting?

l mean, you're a pacifist.
You're Britain's leading cream poet.

That's loser talk, Vince.
The cream days are over.

l've gone off, curdled, Vince.

l've got my edge back.
That's the word on the street now.

Nobody's bitch no more.
l'm Howard Moon. Monsoon Moon.

Tomorrow night l'm gonna be fighting
a vicious, vicious animal.

lt could kill me in an instant
but it's not gonna,

because you trained me up.

You gave me that confidence, Vince.
You believed in me.

l wouldn't be fighting tomorrow
if it wasn't for you.

Funny that, innit?
lt's all down to you. You.

- (Clock ticking)
- (Echoing) You. You. You.

(# Growling didgeridoo)

(Animals cry, wind howls)

(Tuneful bleeps)

(Tuneful bleeps)

(Wind howling)

(# Percussion)

(# Funky bass line)

# How d'you gets to kill a roo?

# lt's all you have to do

# How d'you gets to kill a roo?
lt's all you have to do

# Yeah, tell me now
How d'you gets to kill a roo?

# lt's all you have to do

# How d'you gets to kill a roo?
lt's all you have to do

# Yeah, tell me now
How d'you gets to kill a roo?

# lt's all you have to do

# How d'you gets to kill a roo?
lt's all you have to do

# Yeah, domino
How d'you gets to kill a roo?

# lt's all you have to do

# How d'you gets to kill a roo? #

- Oh!
- Morning.

- Oh, l had this really weird dream.
- Oh, yeah?

Weird images. To do with the fight.

Don't worry about that.
Dreams don't mean anything.

- Grapefruit?
- (Didgeridoo plays)

- No.
- Eggs?

(Didgeridoo plays)

- Didgeridoo?
- (Didgeridoo plays)

- Get up. Let's get ready.
- All right.

- What are you wearing tonight?
- Why?

- Nothing outlandish, OK?
- All right.

- l'm the star.
- Fine.

- Don't want you pulling focus on me.
- You're the star. lt'll be fine.

What are you wearing?
l told you not to pull focus.

No one's looking at me.
You're the star of the show.

- Can l have your autograph, please?
- Not now.

l'm the fighter, you little tit-box.
All right. Easy.

Welcome to the Zooniverse

first annual shady underground
boxing competition!

Heading to the plate,

weighing in at 380 pounds...

After 212 kills,

147 disembowelments,

wanted in 18 countries for eating
a man's face right off his skull,

the antipodean killing machine,

the Killeroo!

(Cheering)

- l didn't know anything about that.
- lt's just hype.

You'll get the same treatment.
Wait till you hear your introduction.

And...fighting the Killeroo,

Howard Moon!

Former male prostitute.

(Silence)

With me ringside is Joey Moose,
our marsupial expert at the Zooniverse.

Joey, take it away.

(Australian accent) The kangaroo
is a magnificent animal.

- Now, this fella's...
- (Echoing growl)

- Ow!
- Let's get you loosened up.

- Not so harsh.
- You've got a knot there.

That hurts. Easy!

And your referee today is Naboo,
the shaman and kiosk-vendor.

l want a clean fight. No biting,
no kicking, nothing below the tail.

Touch gloves.

- With the roo.
- (Grunts)

- The bell is about to ring.
- (Rings)

(Cheering)

(Growls, honks)

Go on, my son!

(Whistling)

Get in there, slap him!
Howard, come on!

What you doing?
Stop dancing. Move in!

Come on, grab his fur.
Go on, Howard!

- (Cheering)
- Go on!

(Didgeridoo plays, tuneful bleeps)

Now, that was possibly
the weakest start to a boxing match ever.

But don't worry. Dance around a bit.
Bob and weave, OK?

And keep him at bay
with your jab, all right?

Punch him in the snout, all right?
Howard. Howard?

Have you come about the croutons?

Just punch the big mouse.

We're about to start round two.

- (Bell)
- Go on!

(Screeches)

He's down! Oh, my God,
he's down like a clown!

(Choir singing Mozart Requiem )
# Dies irae

# Dies illa

# Solvet saeclum in favilla

# Teste David cum Sybilla

# Quantus tremor est futurus

# Quando judex est venturus

# Cuncta stricte discussurus... #

Oh! Moon is up!

Oh, my God! How resilient is this?

- There's been a terrible mix-up.
- What are you talking about?

l don't know anything about boxing.
l'm a French duke.

What? What about your uncle?
He trained me up.

That wasn't my uncle.
That's my uncle.

(# Baroque music )

l don't care. lt's gone too far.

l'm Monsoon Moon and
there's a painstorm a-brewing.

(Bell dings)

Moon is up against the ropes.

He's being pummelled left and right.

This is a real bloodbath!

Joey, would you stop eating
those tomatoes?

l can't believe what's going on here!

- (Spectators shouting)
- He's gonna eat his face off!

l can't wait!

(Didgeridoo plays)

(Tuneful bleeps)

(Vince) The images!
What do they mean?

- How do you kill a roo?
- His balls, man.

Grab his flamin' balls.

Right.

Christ, you're thick.

- (Spectators shouting)
- (Crunching)

(Screams)

Now, Howard! Now!

(Thud)

Moon must have gotten a punch in!
This is not supposed to happen!

What's going on?

(Cheering, whistling)

Gideon! Gideon!

Gideon! Gideon!

l'm Moon! Monsoon Moon!
Raining down!

Whoo-hoo!

Gideon! Gideon! Gideon!

No! No!

Whoo!

(Sudden silence)

Phew! Hope you enjoyed the show.

l displayed some powerful moves.

You'd have got your head smashed off
if it weren't for me.

Whatever. l came out on top.

Ain't nobody who can touch me.
l'm Monsoon Moon. l...

l always get my man.

Goodbye.

The show is finished now. Go on.

Get away. Sling your hook.

Show finished. lt's all over.

What are you looking at?
lt's all over! Get away.