The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 1 - Not Your Brother's Drop Off - full transcript

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Going to college is an
exciting time for every kid,

and no kid was more excited than Sue.

Yeah!

Oh, I'm going to college!

That was June.

Ohh.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

[Chuckles] It's really happening.

I'm going to college!

- That was July.
- [Laughs]



And then, the day was finally here...

Eeeeee!

One week until she was going to college.

Fine. We can put one thing in the trunk.

I vote for Sue. [Chuckles]

That's okay.

- [Chuckles]
- Bring it on, Axl.

Let's hear 'em.

You got six days to get out
all the snarky comments

because I want to be surrounded

by nothing but kindness,
sweetness, respect, and love

when you all take me on
my ride up to college.

Well, that won't be a problem,
as I will not be joining you

on the "dorkient" express.



- What?
- Yeah, you heard me.

I have a week between school and football,

and I have elected to spend
my final days of freedom

free of you.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to come.

The whole family came
when you got dropped off,

and I want exactly the same.

This is an iconic moment, Axl.

I've already labeled a photo album

"Sue's college drop-off: The
whole family drops me off

(an iconic moment)."

So... Yeah, it can't be reversed.

Yeah, it's not happening, Sue.

- [Door opens]
- Mom!

- Mike.
- Axl.

You don't even know what I did.

What he did is claim that he doesn't need

to come with us all to my college drop-off.

Look, when you guys came
to me and begged me

to let Sue come to my school,

I was overly nice, as usual.

I gave you my blessing.

But now, in six days, Sue's gonna be poking

her big Sue head all up in my business,

and, until that happens, I'd like to enjoy

these last moments of Sue-less-ness...
Sue-less!

Keep your pants on, Axl.
It's not that big of a deal.

In fact, put your pants on.

Yeah, it's not a big deal to you guys

'cause you dumped her on me.

It's the Ax-man's problem now.
You washed your hands of this.

[Gasps]

I bet you didn't even look at
other schools, did you, hmm?

This is probably part of
your evil plan all along.

You done?

Okay, yeah, I am done now. [Sniffs]

Good. You're coming with us.

- Oh, come on.
- And, Sue, you're coming with me.

Let's go. We got work to do.

Time to teach you how
to balance a checkbook.

But...

Yep, all summer long, Mike had been dealing

with Sue's impending departure

by trying to cram 1,000 life lessons

into the little time they had left.

There's a lot of spiders in the world,

and I'm not gonna be there
to kill them all for you.

One's poisonous, it bites
you in your sleep,

you're dead.

Okay, late at night, you're broken down

on the side of the road, nobody in sight...

It's up to you to change
this tire, or you're dead.

Hi, dad.

You didn't ask who it was.

Who it was is a dangerous
stranger, and you're dead.

I can't believe I have checks.

Do you think I should sign them all now

so they're ready when I need them?

[Sighs] You're scaring me, Sue.

I'll give you your checkbook

when you prove you can balance ours.

Hey, there's my big 8th grader.
How was the first day?

It was awesome.

I attended all my classes
in the proper order.

And at the afternoon pep rally,
I got to go, "'8th grade.'

say it a little louder now. '8th grade!!'"

and I didn't think the pizza
bag could get any better,

but strapping it to aunt Edie's oxygen cart

has kicked it up to a whole
new level of portability.

Yep, looks like the year of
Brick is off to a great start.

Whoa. Whoa.

It can't be the year of Brick.
It's still the year of Sue.

I thought the year of Sue was last year.

Sorry, Brick. It's the year of Sue.

No, it's the year of Brick.

I'm gonna end this right now.
It's the year of the colts!

Done.

[Sighs] Oh, my God. Mom,
can you believe it?

Can you believe your only daughter

is really leaving for college?

Sue, don't start.

[Voice breaking] I can't go there,

or I'll never stop crying.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, mom. I
don't mean to torture you.

[Voice breaking] I don't
want to go there, either.

Okay, good. No one's going there.

How you doing balancing the checkbook?

Well, I must have done it wrong.

I have your balance at minus $11.

No, you did it right.
It's us who did it wrong.

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Mike: Hey, I taught her
how to defend herself

in case someone tries to take her purse.

And she's pretty good at it. [Sighs]

[Chuckles] Well, maybe she's
built up some aggression.

You have been kind of on her all summer.

I'm sorry, but until she
knows all this stuff,

I'm not gonna feel comfortable
sending her away.

Oh, man. Forget I said "away."

don't go getting all weepy now.

[Sighs]

Here's the thing, Mike.

I'm fine.

- What?
- Yeah.

About Sue leaving, I'm fine.

I'm really not that upset.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

It's bad, right?

I keep waiting for it to
happen, and it just doesn't.

And I don't know why.

I mean, maybe it's because

I've already gone through it with Axl.

Maybe it's because I know the campus.

Maybe it'll just hit me later.
I don't know.

But I'm not feeling anything.

Well, what was all that out there, then?

Hello?! Acting.

You don't get cast as ozian number four

at the Orson community theater
unless you got some chops.

But, look, I just don't
want her to feel bad.

You heard her. She's the second child.

She feels like she never
gets the same as Axl.

[Sighs] It's just an iconic moment for her,

and I just don't want to short-shrift her.

Oh, my God.

This is one of the last times
I'm gonna walk past your door

and say good night.

Honey.

I'm just gonna miss you so much.

Not a trillionth as much
as I'm gonna miss you.

Aww!

[Both smooch]

Nothing.

You're a monster.

[Sighs]

Hi! What's your major?

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, this?

No, it just naturally curls this way.

[Chuckles]

Oh, thanks. Your hair is cute, too.

[Chuckles]

So, are you going to that quad party later?

I totally think we can
have fun without drinking.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles, gasps]

[Gasps]

Mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-m!

Oh, my God. This did not just happen.

Okay, okay. We can work with this.

Why did you buy a curling
iron at a garage sale?

A new curling iron is like 8 bucks.

What is wrong with this family?

That is a question we're
not gonna answer tonight,

but let's focus some of that energy

on what we can do something about.

You got 10 seconds to show
me a square knot. Go.

[Sighs] Is it looking any better?

Tons... it's really bouncy and light.

It's beachy. Time.

Really, Mike? Knots? Right now?

What? She's up anyway.

And, hey, I wanted to
start on knots in June,

but you said she should enjoy life

before the stress of college kicks in.

And now this is her square knot.

That lifeboat she needed
to anchor to the dock

just floated away. She's dead.

[Gasps]

Did a rat die in the furnace again?

It smells like burning hair. Whoa.

It's not my fault.

It's mom's cheap garage-sale curling iron.

Well, isn't this just perfect?

Take a physical oddity,

turn her into an emotional wreck,

dump her on me.

It's gonna be fine, Sue.

[Sighs] All we need to do is
layer and bury the mistake.

Bury the mistake.

Well, I suggested that years ago,

but you guys said we had to keep her.

Okay, come on. Let's take a look.

[Sighs] I don't know what to tell you, Sue.

I mean, you'd think cutting
hair in the middle of the night

with the poultry scissors
would turn out better,

but it's not working.

You're just gonna have to
either let it grow out

or really chop it off.

But I can't cut my hair.

My hair is part of my identity.

It's what I play with when I'm nervous

and sometimes chew on to
taste my apple conditioner.

My hair is who I am.

Yeah, that's a tough one.

Let's ponder that while I teach you

how to reset a circuit breaker.

At this point, if we had to pick

whose year it was gonna be,

my money was on Brick.

He'd just discovered 8th
graders don't need a hall pass

to go to the bathroom, which, for Brick,

meant a license to read
without interruption.

[Door opens]

[Footsteps approaching, shoes squeaking]

Cindy: Brick, do you have a minute?

Cindy?

We've been going out almost a year now.

I think it's time to take our relationship

to the next level.

Okay?

[Sighs] Axl, I need your advice.

My God, I feel like I'm on one of those
TV shows where the older brother

has to take care of the younger siblings

'cause the parents are dead
or incompetent or... ugh.

It's about Cindy.

Mm, what did she do...

Eat all the leaves off
the top of the trees?

Now she's roaming around hungry?

Oh, I get it... 'cause she's tall.

Original stuff.

It's kind of urgent, actually.

She says she wants to take our relationship

to the next level.

Ooh!

She is a saucy one.

[Chuckles] So, what's the next level?

Well, that's the problem. She didn't say.

I know it's not talking
to me while I'm pooping

'cause she's already done that.

Okay, Brick, well, what
we're gonna want to do

is find out what level you're at now

and go up from there, so, where
would you say you are now?

- Wait, how many levels are there?
- About 47.

68 if you're in Europe.

You're gonna want to skip level 9,

and levels 12 through 15 require
a stepladder and a car.

Hold on. Let me get a pencil.

So, the next day, after
all those long months

of anticipation, the wait was finally over.

Well, almost.

Come on, Sue. What's the holdup?

Sue: Uh, I kind of did something,

and I'm not sure if I should come out.

I got this one.

Hey, Sue, listen, if you're second-guessing

going to college and want to just stay

in your room forever, I think
that's a great instinct.

I'm sure mom and dad will get you
some food every once in a while,

and maybe, some day, they'd
find some prairie cult dude

who's willing to take you
in as wife number three.

Okay, everybody just be honest

and tell me what you really think.

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Ahhhhh...?

Ohh!

Wow!

Looks different.

I can see your neck.

I think you actually look
a little less gross.

Really?!

Thank you!

You know, I-I-I-I was just in my room,

and I knew I had to do something

because mom really just made it worse.

I just took a deep breath,
and I cut it off.

And it worked.

I feel like a whole new Sue.

You know, maybe, when God
burns off your hair,

he opens a window.

Ohh, you just look so... Grown-up.

Ohh, mom.

[Sighs] I know this must be hard for you.

[Voice breaking] You have no idea.

♪ ♪

So we finally packed up the
car to get Sue to college,

then realized we needed another car

and packed that one up, too.

You know, Brick, this is nice.

The two of us should have broken
away from the family years ago.

- It is kind of peaceful.
- Yeah.

[Radio static crackles] Sue: Hello? Over.

- Pick up, car 2. This is car 1. Over.
- [Snaps fingers]

I already told you I don't want to do
your stupid walkie-talkie thing, Sue.

Axl, when we dropped you off at
college for the first time,

we were all in the same car.

And since we can't be, this
is the next best thing.

Family communication is

an essential part of the
experience being the same.

Now smile... I want to get a picture

for my "Sue drop-off" collage.

[Wind gusting]

[Camera shutter clicks] Mike: Hey,
hey, you're not paying attention.

Did you see the emergency
phone at mile marker 43?

- No.
- You're dead.

Okay, who wants to share
their favorite Sue memory?

Over.

- Not me. Over.
- How about you, mom?

Do you think you can do it without crying?

Oh, don't get me started. [Chuckles]

[Sniffles]

Axl: Sue, I actually
have a two-part memory.

[Gasps] Ooh, Axl has a memory.

You are cleared on channel one
for your Sue memory. Over.

The first part is how I saw
you getting your diploma,

and I couldn't help smiling

'cause I was just so proud of you.

And the second part is...

[Farts]

[Scoffs] Axl, that was disgusting. Over.

Brick: It's worse back here. Over.

Can this be over? Over.

Actually, I have a question.

You're a go, Brick.

Well, Cindy said she wants
to take our relationship

to the next level,

and Axl said I should figure
out what that level is

and bump it up at least two levels,

but I'm not sure that's solid advice.

Mom, when you and dad were at level...

Brick, do not take any of Axl's advice.

Do you read me? Over.

I am simply informing him of the
levels he'll have to master

if he wants to keep a girl
like Cindy satisfied. Over.

All right, that's it. We're switching cars.

Pull over. Over.

Brick: I just don't want to blow this.

I really like her.

She gets my sense of humor. She's pretty.

She provides stability my family does not.

Plus, on hot days, I can
walk in her shadow.

Shadow. Over.

Over.

Tell him this is what he needs to do.

He needs to ride his
bike over to her house,

sit on her stoop, maybe
offer her a piece of gum...

Yeah, that's stupid. I'm
not telling him that.

You know what? I'm just gonna ask her.

It's time I grab the bull by the horns.

After all, it is the year of Brick.

Hello?! Check the calendar.

It's not the year of Brick.
It's the year of Sue.

And it's the drop-off of Sue,
which she's been dreaming about

her whole life, but is now being ruined

because everyone is more
concerned with Brick.

And there's only 29 minutes left,

and we haven't even shouted out

our top 10 Sue catchphrases yet.

I'll go first.

"Did someone say 'cake'?"

Remember that one?

No! I can't take it anymore!

I got to get away from these people.

♪ ♪

Axl, slow down!

[Engine revving]

Dad, tell him to slow down.

He's going out of walkie-talkie range,

and he's gonna get there before us.

And we all have to get
there at the same time.

[Tires squeal]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Air hissing]

I have a new favorite Sue memory.

Knots, people.

I've been saying it all summer.

Knots are very important.

Sue: It didn't happen because of my knot.

It happened because of Axl's driving.

Why'd you have to go so fast, Axl?

I am just preparing you
for a lifetime of men

who are gonna try to get
away from you fast.

You're welcome.

Mike: Okay, the longer
we stand here chatting,

the longer it's gonna take
us to get back on the road.

So, Sue, you're up. Have at it.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, what?

Sue's gonna change the tire.

If she does it the way I taught her,

it shouldn't take long.

It did.

And we wouldn't be the Hecks unless...

There's no spare tire in there.

Oh, crap. We gave it to Axl.

[Grunting]

All right.

No, no, no, no, no! Come back!

[Grunting]

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! [Grunts]

Okay, so, now I just turn this.

[Sighs] Let's see, the
lefty-righty-tighty-loosey.

- Sue, we went over this.
- I know!

I just can't think when
you're looming over me.

Come on, Mike. Would you just help her?

I am helping her.

I'm helping her by making
her do it on her own.

I'm just not good under pressure!

Well, last time I checked,

there weren't too many
relaxing emergencies.

- Ugh!
- [Tire iron clanks]

I can't get the lug nuts off!

Please, just... was I
supposed to take them off

before I jacked up the car?

Just nod if it's a yes!

[Screams]

Dad!

Why are you doing this?!

Just change the tire!

Clearly, you've pawned Sue off on me

at the perfect moment 'cause
you are losing your mind.

Sue, get in my car. We're going.

No, nobody talk to her. Nobody help her.

She's got to learn how to do this.
[Sighs] Come on, Mike!

This is pointless.

I never learned to change a tire,

and my life turned out fine.

Did it, Frankie? Did it?

Come on. This is her day.

It's her first day of college.

No. She's got to learn.

All right, you know what? Axl is right.

You are going crazy.

You know, if you learned
to just express an emotion

and tell your daughter that you loved her

instead of making her
shut off the gas lines

and plunging toilets,
we wouldn't be stranded

on the side of the road right now.

I'm sorry. I guess you're
the expert on emotions.

Why don't you squeeze out
a few more fake-o tears

so Sue won't know you're not
really sad about her leaving?

[Metal clatters]

You're not sad I'm leaving?

What?!

How can you say that?

[Voice breaking] I am so sad right now.

I can't believe my little girl is leaving.

[Whimpers]

Okay, fine. I'm not sad right now,

but it's not because I love
you any less than Axl.

It's just because I've been
through it all before.

You'll see when you have kids.

[Sighs]

This is all your fault!

You just stole all mom's emotions!

You've been doing it your whole life!

Every time I do something,
it's already been done by you!

You are just, like, one big, greedy

emotion dustbuster sucking
up all mom's love!

This is the worst college drop-off ever!

This is nothing like how I pictured it!

[Sighs] Why not, Sue?!

This seems to be the way we do it!

You said you wanted the same as Axl,

and here we are... fighting
on the side of the road.

So, congratulations! You got your wish!

[Metal creaks]

Turns out, curling irons
aren't the only thing

you shouldn't buy at a garage sale.

But on the bright side, Sue did get to use

one of her newly acquired life skills.

Okay, that's $35 even.

I just need to notate it in my ledger.

So, dropping your only
daughter off at college, huh?

Don't say it. Don't say it.

Must be a pretty emotional time for you.

[Radio static crackles]
Frankie: Hey, there, car 2.

Just seeing how you're doing back there.

Anybody got their ears on? Over.

Okay, Sue [Sighs]

I don't know what else to
do, so I'm just gonna talk.

[Sighs]

You think I'm not gonna miss you?

How do you not miss someone you've held

since the first moment of their life

like a gift you've been given?

I mean, you even came wrapped.

Y-you're someone I've spent every day with

for 18 years...

Except for the three days at summer camp

that you won selling cheese and sausage,

six with grandma and grandpa,

and two when you ran away from home,

but we all knew you were
living in your closet.

And then, this... this gift
of a person leaves you?

How are you not crushed by that?

But the thing is, with
you, more than the sad,

there's this excitement,

oh, 'cause I know you
are so ready for this.

And you're gonna do amazing things.

I mean, you are gonna Sue up the world.

[Voice breaking] How
lucky is the world, hmm?

And how lucky am I

that I get a front-row seat for all of it?

[Sighs]

[Radio static crackles]

Sue: [Sobbing]

[Crying] I know that I wanted this trip

to be exactly like Axl's,

but [Sniffles] I don't anymore

because this is way better.

[Crying]

- This is Sue, by the way. Over.
- [Both chuckle]

Can you please hand the
walkie-talkie over to dad?

Dad, I know it's hard for
you to say you love me,

but it's not hard for me.

I love you, dad.

All right, here's your mom.

And then the moment I've
been pretending to dread

actually arrived.

[Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors'
"I've Got You" plays]

I dropped my only daughter off at college.

Well, three hours later, we did.

She really brought a lot of crap.

♪ ♪

[Both sigh]

[Sighs]

Damn it, she forgot the ice scraper.

First big storm, and she's dead.

Mike, she's gonna be fine. [Sighs]

[Sighs] Maybe I should drive
it up there just in case.

Mike...

You're gonna be fine.

This is a tough one, Frankie.

It's my daughter.

I know. [Sighs]

It's gonna be weird not having her here.

- The house is gonna be so quiet.
- Hmm.

But it is kind of nice
when you think about it.

Two kids in college,

just you and me here in our empty nest.

Hmm. [Chuckles]

Still here.

[Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors'
"I've Got You" plays]

[Whistling]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Clears throat]

♪ I saw stars like a blanket ♪

♪ I saw people just like me ♪

♪ There was light moving forward ♪

♪ I've got the world, and I've got you ♪