The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Middle - full transcript

- Welcome to Disney World.
- Thank you.

Wait.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

These tickets are for
Disneyland in California.

Wait. What?

Disneyl-land?

These tickets are for Disneyland?

You're telling me we drove for two days

to the wrong park?

Unbelievable.

- This is not happening!
- I wanted a hat.



Oh, my God. They drove to the wrong park.

It's official.

There's no way I'm genetically
linked to you people!

Can someone please help me?!

Anybody?

I'm looking for my real family!

I don't... I don't know how
this could have happened.

See? "Disneyland".

It's right there on your tickets.

You didn't read the tickets, Frankie?

Yeah, I read the ticket, Mike.

I just thought it would be fun

to drive 900 miles in
the opposite direction.

See...



my daughter won a contest

for two days in the park
and one night in a hotel

and they gave us this form.

And it had a castle on the top.

And, uh... it was an honest mistake.

I didn't have my glasses.

Y-you'll get there... Carol. Trust me.

She's blind 'cause she's old.

What? I'm helping.

I mean, come on, Carol.

This place is all about magic, right?

So, what do you say you just
tinker-bell the situation

and let us in.

Nobody needs to know.

It could just be our little secret.

Uh, but the machine will know

'cause here, we use magic bands.

And when I scan them, they go "beep."

That's okay. See, because we can just...

We can just put these on our arms.

And then we'll scan them and
we'll make the beep sound.

So... so... So you...
you can just swipe it,

and... and we'll all go "beep," right?

Just beep, beep, beep. See?

That's no problem at all. Right, everybody?

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Can I get someone from
guest relations, please?

- Quickly.
- Beep, beep, beep, beep.

He's been back there for a long time.

That's not a good sign, is it?

I don't know.

I can't remember what
a good sign looks like.

Dear God, I know you have war and famine

and Justin Bieber's gone off the rails,

but if you could please, please,

please just let us into Disney World...

Sorry, folks.

We've just never had anyone
go to the wrong park before.

Um, I pulled all the strings I could,

but under the circumstances,

there's just no way we can

not let you have a great time
here at Walt Disney World!

Hey!

Ooh, oh.

We also had a hotel.

Oh.

Sure. We got a little
later start than we planned,

but we did it.

We made it.

We got our big crisis out of the way,

and the fun starts now.

Oh.

It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.

I've dreamed of this my whole life.

I've seen it on TV a million times,

and now I'm standing right in front of it.

And I

Okay, so, uh, we hit some rides

and meet back at Sue's body later?

So, listen, we've all talked,

and we've agreed not to
take any extreme measures

to save her life.

I can hear you, Axl.

How you doing, Sue?
Any shortness of breath?

Let me check.

Sue, you're not trying to
have shortness of breath.

What? She's fine.

We're gonna be here all day,

and I want to make sure there's
time to get over to Epcot.

He heard they sell beer there.

Excuse me, Kimberly.

Sorry to interrupt,

but I'm looking for a specific kind of hat.

Let me describe it to you.

It's kind of a felty,
black, half-moon shape

with these rounded appendages

that are, I guess you could say, earlike.

She knows the hat, Brick.

They're called Mickey ears.

If you don't mind, dad.

You drove us six states
in the wrong direction,

and she works here, so...

I'm familiar with the hat.

Great. Now, this hat...

Would it be available
for purchase in the park?

Okay. Fun starts now.

I can feel it.

What do you want to do first?

- Everything!
- Epcot.

You guys do whatever you want.

I'm gonna hit some rides.

Then I'll see you at the
hotel after the park closes.

Oh, and if you see a long,
white glove on the door,

it means I'm entertaining
a princess, in which case,

you should just crash on
the couches in the lobby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No one's entertaining any princesses,

and no one is splitting up.

This is a family vacation.

We're gonna enjoy it together as a family.

All right. Sue, navigate.

Okay. Right now, the best
ride is Jungle Cruise,

and, according to Brad,

we should try to get on Randy's Boat

because he is a-mazing.

- Sounds like a
plan. - Whoo-hoo!

Where's Brick?

Oh, look.

I found the store that
sells the Disney merchandise.

How lucky is that?

I'll take this one, Timothy.

Would you like us to embroider it for you?

We have three different
fonts to choose from.

Oh, no. He said the "F" word.

Hmm.

The basic font is easier to read,

but I do like the fun font.

Yep, fun. Definitely fun.

Great choice.

Uh, now all you have to do is pick a color.

We have gold, black, dark pink, white, red.

Thank you, Timothy.

I appreciate your patience
with all my thread questions...

Unlike my family.

I just need to check one last thing.

All right.

Whew! No ear shadow.

Okay.

Done and done.

I'm ready to go back to the hotel.

Brick, we haven't even
gone on any rides yet.

Wait.

So, we're going on rides now?

- What did you think we were doing?
- Duh.

That was the plan.

I'm just saying this is new information.

It would have been nice to have a heads up.

Oh, my God!

It's 2:00, and we've
literally done nothing!

That's not entirely true.

We already lost Brick.

I didn't have that
happening till later today.

So, if you think about it,
we're ahead of schedule.

Well, I'll go on anything at this point.

I mean, there's no line for Dumbo.

Let's just go on that.

I mean, maybe if I tip the guy,

he'll crank it up to puke speed.

No. No, no, no.

According to section three of my binder,

A.K.A. "Sue's Rockin' ride guide,"

the line for Dumbo is always short,

but Buzz Lightyear and his gang

are performing in five minutes,

leaving the line to
space mountain wide open.

Whoo!

What? That's not right.

This is supposed to be the short time.

Oh, I must have been
looking at the wrong section.

I just have to get to
the afternoon schedule.

Can we please just split up?!

I'll take dad and one more person.

Wait, who do we want?
Dopey, Naggy, or Dorky?

This is not my fault, Axl!

Things are shifting.

My whole binder system's off

because we got a late start.

Yeah, 'cause you fainted.

And we had to get Brick's hat.

And dad drove us to the wrong state.

Your mom didn't read the tickets.

There it is... always back to mom.

Come on, let's all just take a breath

and go to Epcot.

No. No, no, no, no.

If my calculations are correct,

this is the exact perfect time
to hit the haunted mansion.

Trust me.

I've done my homework.

All right. Come on.

Ooh!

They say even a broken
clock is right twice a day,

and if anybody was our
family's broken clock, it's Sue.

Uh-oh.

Where's my hat?

There it is.

Okay, I'm gonna say this one more time.

A lot of people have that hat.

Come on, Brick.

Where did you last have it?

Let's see. I had it at Dumbo.

Then I went in the bathroom,

and I didn't want it to get
dirty, so I put it on the shelf.

But then, I thought someone might steal it,

so I put it in my backpack.

Yep, here it is.

- Brick!
- You're going in the backpack next!

All right, all right! Let's
not turn on each other.

Listen, we're all getting
cranky 'cause we're hungry.

I say we get some fuel in us, regroup,

and we're all gonna feel better.

Mmm. See?

I told you these Turkey
legs were a good call.

It's the most famous food in the park,

and you can eat them
while you wait in line. Mm.

I hate to say it, but Sue's ugly and right.

Yeah.

- Whoo!
- Ooh!

Sorry, folks. We can't
allow any food on the rides.

Now, if you'd like, I can
toss them in the trash for you.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to
ask you to step out of line

and finish them.

No, no, no. We're not getting out.

We can finish these quick.

Come on, guys. Eat, eat.

Go, eat. Faster.

Just chew it. Chew it.

Uh, looks like a little piece of something

scraped your esophagus on the way down.

She's never been a strong chewer,

gulps her food whole like a seal.

We've told her a million times.

Maybe we should just put her down.

She's gonna be fine.

Sorry you folks have had to
come in here twice in one day.

So, what's been your favorite ride so far?

So far, it's called the gurney.

Okay, night-time events.

Did I file that under "N" for "Night-time"

or "D" for "Dark"?

All right, that's it.

I'm done listening to you people.

I'm taking this thing over!

We're jumping in the first line we see,

and we're getting on a freaking ride!

We can't do that, Axl!

You didn't do the research!

Hey! Look at me!

Look at me.

I am the captain now.

Hmm? Huh?

Whoa. We're really moving now, huh?

Good job, Axl.

I'm telling you guys,
this is the turning point.

Oh, we're almost at the front!

We hope you enjoyed your
day at the Magic Kingdom.

Until we see you again,

have a safe trip home and a magical night.

So long, everybody!

And we'll see you real soon!

Disney World... 1.

Hecks... zero.

So, the first day was a bust,

even by our standards.

All we wanted to do was lick our wounds,

get to our room, and sleep.

Folks, there's been a
slight snag with your room.

Of course there has.

Oh. That does not sound good.

Have... you folks stopped
by our first-aid office?

Oh.

So, as I was saying, with your,
uh, Disneyland prize package,

you were supposed to receive
a standard garden-view room,

but I'm afraid we don't have
a comparable room available

here at Walt Disney World.

It's just a very busy time.

Look, Todd, I appreciate
everything you've done.

It's just been a really long day,

and our package did
include a garden-view room.

I would love to stare at a garden

while I rethink the
choices I've made in life.

And, as I said, that's not available.

But... I did find another room

that I think you'll be very happy with.

Here you go, folks.

What do you think?

Well, it's not what we were expecting,

but I-I guess it'll do.

- Mike?
- Seems fine.

Great.

If you need anything at
all, just pick up that phone,

and you will be connected to
your own personal concierge.

And you should have an incredible view

of the fireworks going off over the lake

right outside your window there.

Have a great night.

Excuse me.

- Sweet!
- Ahh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Look! They have one of those refrigerators

that looks like a cabinet!

Check out this flat screen!

Dad, there's a media room with
an even bigger flat screen!

- Are you messing with me?
- No.

You better not be messing with me!

There's a TV in the mirror!

Oh, no. I think I'm gonna pass out again.

Look at this table!

When I get rich,

I'm gonna buy one of
these and never use it!

Mom! Feel this toilet paper.

It's so soft. It's like a cloud.

Everybody, start loading
your bags with toilet paper.

Sue, you're on lotions.

Axl, you're on shampoos.

Got it!

Don't answer it!
They'regonna make us leave!

Hello. Grand Villa Hotel suite.

Sue speaking.

I'm staying here.

Brick? Where are you calling from?

From the bathroom! There's
a phone in the bathroom!

Guys! The microwave works!

Everything in here works!

The master bedroom is huge!

I call this room.

No, I get it 'cause I won the trip.

No, the masters will be sleeping

in the master bedroom.

This is it, guys.

This is the turning point of our trip.

I know I've said "turning point" before,

but this is an unmistakable
turning point, right?

I mean, this has "turning
point" written all over it.

Now, we've only got one
day left in the park,

but it's gonna be a great one.

We're gonna hit it early tomorrow

after we have the best sleep of our lives.

Turns out it was the
best sleep of our lives...

And the longest.

Get up! Get up!

It's 3:00 in the afternoon!

It's our last day at Disney
World, and we're missing it.

No showering.

Just bring the mini soaps,
and we'll ride Splash Mountain!

Let's go! No time for breakfast.

We'll hit the apple bowl
at the desk on the way out.

Why do we have to leave again?

'Cause if we don't leave now,

we're paying for this room ourselves.

I'm with Brick. What do
we have to go home to?

Scratchy toilet paper and dog shampoo?

I say we barricade ourselves in here,

live large for two weeks, and
go out in a hail of gunfire.

I cannot believe we slept the day away.

Damn comfortable sheets.

No wonder rich people look so rested.

It's 'cause they are.

Oh, I can't believe this is happening!

We're gonna lose all the rides
at the Magic Kingdom again!

We want to hit Epcot.

There's no time for Magic Kingdom.

What? So, that's it?

That's it for the Magic Kingdom?

It's just off the table?

Oh, I suppose Hollywood studios

is off the table now, too, huh?!

Oh, well, might as well just
throw these papers away, hmm?

Oh, and Animal Kingdom?

Oh, I guess I don't need these anymore!

Sue! Stop. We are not giving up.

This is the one time in our
lives we are not giving up.

Now, come on. Let's go.

Hold the phone. I think I misplaced my hat.

Nope. In my backpack again.

You all look angry.

Okay, this is it, people.

This is not a drill.

Rides, rides, rides.

Oh, look! We're at the castle!

Oh, let's take a family
photo for the Christmas card.

Why are not walking?!

Excuse me.

Could you take a picture for
us? Just press the silver button.

It sticks a little, so you're
gonna have to hold it down.

Okay.

We'll do one smiling and then a goofy one.

Why? Why are we wasting our valuable time

taking a photo for a Christmas card

that we all know will never be sent?

Because I want to show everybody

what a great time we're having!

I'm sorry. Can you do that again?

I know this isn't gonna be popular,

but I'll just throw it out there.

I'm regretting my hat choice.
If we can just go back...

- No!
- No more hats!

We are going on a ride right after this...

Any ride that Sue did not recommend.

Ohh! Like your suggestions
are so great, Axl!

We all really enjoyed
your leaving-the-park ride!

But I know all the fonts
now. It won't take that long.

No!

Sorry. I got to meet my family.

I-I tried to get a good one,

but you were all screaming
at that little boy.

What is wrong with this family?

Seriously, what is the matter with us?

Every other family can figure this out.

They can take pictures
in front of the castle

and agree on rides and laugh

and say, "Donny, come sit next to me,"

all while wearing matching T-Shirts

saying, "makin' memories
Thompson-family style."

Yeah.

Look around!

There are thousands of
people at Walt Disney World

having the time of their lives!

Oh, not this sorry group.

No, not us.

What is wrong with us that we
can't figure out how to do that?

Oh, our family sucks.

We suck!

I knew we should have stayed at the hotel.

Nobody ever does what I want.

Are you kidding me?

I don't want to hear that from any of you.

I'll tell you who never gets
what he wants... this guy.

All I wanted out of this
whole trip was to go to Epcot.

- Oh, you'll get your beer, Mike.
- What is it with you and Epcot?

You know why I wanted to go to Epcot?

'Cause never in my life
will I be able to afford

to take your mom to Paris,

and I thought this was my one chance.

I could take her to Paris

and we could have a romantic meal,

and that's why I wanted to go to Epcot.

Not because of the beer...

'cause I wanted to do
something nice for your mom!

- Aww!
- Aww.

Do whatever you want. Take your phones.

I'm going to Paris with your dad.

All right. I'm out of here!

High-school rules apply.

If you see me, you don't know me.

Next stop

Splash Mountain.

I'm gonna see if I can exchange my hat.

I guess I'll hit up Peter Pan.

I'm not sure if they allow
just one person per ride,

but if it's a weight is Sue,

maybe they'll allow my
binder to sit next to me.

You know, on second thought,
the fun font is a bolder choice.

And maybe I should check
out some of these "rides"

that people keep talking about.

Hey, if Brick's going on his
first ride, I got to see that.

I'll do Peter Pan with you,

and then I'll hit Splash Mountain after.

You know, if we all go on
Splash Mountain together,

we could do a funny group
picture on the way down.

Hey, if you're gonna be in it,

it's definitely gonna be funny.

I'm sorry. That was the last one.

Wait a minute.

- On your head.
- On your head.

Mmm. How's your beer?

Great.

Although, eventually,

we're gonna have to find
the kids and head home...

... so you better stop me at one.

Make that 1:30.

I wish we could have this much
fun with the kids, you know?

I just don't know why we can't
get along like other families.

I mean, did we raise them wrong?

Is it just the way they are?

Let's not talk about the kids, Frankie.

We're in Paris. They're
America's problem now.

As a matter of fact...

I don't think we had kids. Remember?

We met in Paris when I was a young artist.

Actually, I think you were a Leathersmith,

and I was a waitress working at the caf?

and studying to be a chocolatier at night.

You came in one day smelling like leather

after working in your shop all day,

and you ordered a croissant.

Right, and you were wearing
that little French bustier.

How come in every one of your
fantasies, I'm wearing a bustier?

Hey, I gave you Leathersmith.

Okay.

Fine.

So, we're living a life
that's wild and carefree,

and I don't, for one minute,
regret those kids we never had.

And after dinner,

we're going back to our studio
apartment overlooking the city

and...

I don't know, Mike. I
just ate a bunch of cheese.

Frankie, it's a fantasy.
Just go along with it.

Okay. All right. You're right.
You're right. You're right.

Yeah. We're in the most
Cosmopolitan city in the world.

Meanwhile, back in America,

after 24 hours and three
visits to first aid...

Sue tripped over her binder
and munched it pretty hard...

The kids we never had
were finally having fun.

And that night, Mike
and I traveled the world.

We had margaritas in
Mexico, beer in Germany,

and gelato in Italy.

We should move here.

Italy?

Orlando.

I could clean people's teeth,

and you could find some rocks to blow up.

- Hi, guys!
- There you are!

You are not gonna believe it.

Brick went on Splash Mountain!

Yep.

Ooh, hey. Hello, gelato.

Rides are way more fun than I thought.

Turns out they're filled with signs,

and all in different fonts!

Hey, come on.

- Space next.
- Yes! Let's go!

Well, we'll always have pretend Paris.

Mm-hmm.

That night, we stayed till the park closed.

And if you had seen us,

you would swear we were one
of those perfect families,

which leads me to believe
they probably don't exist.

You just can't be perfect with your family.

You give them your best, but
you also give them your worst.

And if you can survive a family vacation...

You're doing okay.

Oh, and I did get my wish.

We finally all went on a ride together.

And it was the scariest ride of all.

- Axl, get your feet out of my face!
- Come on!

It's an improvement!

- You wish your face looked like my feet!
- Ohh! No, I don't!

Ew!

Come on!

- Gross! Stop!
- No, it's not.

Grow up! It's disgusting.