The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Middle - full transcript

Thanksgiving--

the early settlers
discovering America,

the pilgrims and Indians
coming together,

a celebration
of the American spirit.

Or it used to be.

Now it's just a pit stop
on the racetrack to Christmas.

There she is.

Ready for
some midnight madness?

So ready.

Not to give anything away,

but since I have a job now
and some potato money to burn,



some people
are gonna be getting

some pretty great presents
this year.

- Hmm.
- Let me help you with that, mom.

- Mm.
- You really want to go shopping

the night before Thanksgiving?

No choice, Mike.

The Pioneer Galaxy Mall

has moved Black Friday up
to Wednesday.

Tonight, everything is 60% off.

We wait till Friday,
it's only 30% off.

I keep talking to you,
it's gonna cost me another 10%.

I can reach that for you, mom.

Oh, thanks.

Besides, Thanksgiving's
not a big deal this year.



I got it covered.

Your dad and Rusty
are not gonna be here.

Aunt Edie's in Branson.
There's no Marines to offend.

It's just the five of us
and my parents.

Oh, by the way, you got to go
pick up my parents.

What?

My mom's got
that foot thing again,

and my dad has decided
he's no longer fit to drive.

Well, he isn't.

Well, I know,
but give it a shot.

She'll steer.
He'll step on the gas.

Let's be creative about this.

They're only going
10 miles an hour, anyway.

- Mike.
- What?

He can't just decide this.

He's supposed to have
a couple wrecks.

You know,
back into a supermarket,

and then we have a family
meeting, and we take his keys.

That's how it's done.

I'll pick him up.

Really?

Sure, yeah. No prob.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, I see stuffing.

I see potatoes.

I don't see
any lime jello salad.

You said you were gonna make me
lime jello salad.

When did I say that?

Mom, will you make me
a lime jello salad?

I'm busy, Brick.
I'll make it some other time.

- When?
- Talk to me in 10 years.

Well, it's been 10 years.

Seriously, Brick?
Are you kidding me?

You've been waiting for
lime jello salad for 10 years?

Then you see the unfairness
of the situation.

Ugh. Fine.
I'll make it tomorrow.

Okay, Sue,

let's grab your can
of potato money and hit it!

Yeah!

Oh, shoot. I forgot
to walk Colin Firth.

I'll do it.

Got to go take the garbage out
anyway, so...

- Okay.
- Yeah.

"Let me help you
with that, mom.

Let me reach that for you,
mom"?

What are you up to, Axl?
What's your game?

Okay, look--
I haven't exactly told them

I had to drop
three classes yet, so...

- Oh, Axl, Axl, Axl.
- What?

You can't just come out and
tell them something like this.

You got to lay the groundwork.

Otherwise, they'll wig out
and try to parent you,

so here's what's gonna happen.

I drive up to grandma
and grandpa's house.

Then on the drive home,
I get them on my side.

Old people have
more perspective.

They don't get all worked up
about stuff like this.

So I tell them.
They tell mom and dad.

And if mom flips out,
they remind her of some story

of how she screwed up
when she was my age

and she turned out okay.

Mom and dad will soften,

grandma will kiss me
on the top of my head, and boom.

Done.

- You seem pretty confident.
- Mm.

I was confident 10 years ago

mom would make me
a lime jello salad.

All I'm saying.

Yeah.

So, let me get this straight.

You can check your blood at home
and then just call it in

and get all the information
online?

Yeah, I can see-- I can see
if my blood's too thick,

my blood's too thin, the size
of my blood particles...

- Wow.
- ...make sure they're fluffy.

- Yeah.
- You want your blood particles fluffy.

He doesn't want to hear
about your blood particles.

No, I find it fascinating.

I also love this article you
clipped out of the paper for me

about dorm organization,
grandma.

So many helpful hints.

Oh. Organization
is so important.

I've been packing
for our cruise,

and they only let us
have four bags.

For God's sakes,

he doesn't want to hear
about our stupid cruise!

Oh, and he was so riveted
by your fluffy-particle story,

his eyes practically rolled
right up in his head.

Oh, no. No.

I find all the things
both of you say

very interesting.

So, uh...

Something going on with me.

Crazy story.

I was failing
three of my four courses,

and I had to drop them,
so now I only have one.

Now, I'm sure you guys
have the life perspective

to understand that,
in the scheme of things,

it's not really a big deal,

and you probably have
a similar story

about something my mom did
when she was my age.

You dumb son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.
Axl, this is a disaster.

- What were you thinking?
- He wasn't thinking.

That's why he's down
to one class.

In retrospect,

Axl wished he hadn't told them
in the first five minutes

of what turned into
the longest three-hour car ride

of his life.

I mean, I can't believe it.

Hit him again.

Hey. How did it go?

Good. So good.

We got really great stuff.
Didn't we, Sue?

Yep.

Uh, really great.

It'll be a good Christmas

and so on and so forth
and what have you.

I have to go
put this stuff away now.

What's up with her?

Oh, who knows?
She's 16. Could be anything.

Boys, hormones,
Justin Bieber did something.

So, what have you been up to?

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Hi!
- Happy Thanksgiving!

- Oh!
- Mwah!

- Mwah.
- Nice to see you.

Well?

Get this. They said
I have to tell them myself.

Turns out you can't count
on grandparents for anything.

Sure, when you need fudge,
they're all over it.

But you ever need something real
from them, forget it.

But they did bring fudge,
right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ohh.

There's my Suzy Q.

Oh! I brought something
for you.

Now, I know that you like
"Hunger Games,"

so here's an article about
how it's being shown in Japan.

Oh, now this is about
the dangers of sexting.

It's not good, Sue.

Thanks, grandma!

I'm sure I'll really enjoy
reading these.

- Are you okay, honey?
- She's fine. Right, Sue? Aren't you fine?

Yep! Yep. Super fine.

I'm gonna go to my room now
for normal reasons.

What's up with her?

What happened
to my sunshiny girl?

Oh, it's nothing.
She's just tired.

She gets weird
when she's tired.

Oh, you can't
brush this stuff off, Frankie.

A change in mood is
the number-one warning sign

for everything.

Parade had a story
just the other day.

Here, let me find it.

Skymall.

Listen, Mike.

I want to tell you something
on the QT.

You know that cruise Pat and I
are going on at Christmas?

- Mm-hmm.
- Not happening.

I gambled all the cruise money
away playing online poker.

I lost it all, Mike.
She's gonna kill me.

Ohh.
You got to be kidding me.

For the first few months,

I didn't even realize
I was playing with real money.

And by that time,
I was 8 grand in.

And every time
I thought about quitting,

this cyber girl comes up
with a big rack

wanting me to buy more chips.

You know,
this is the kind of thing

you might want to share
with a blood relative.

It's bad, Mike.
It's bad.

I'm afraid Pat's gonna
cut me off in the bedroom.

Oh, geez.
I don't want to know this, Tag.

It's too late.
You're in it now.

Listen.
Here's what we're gonna do.

I got to get pat
off this cruise thing.

So, during dinner, I'm gonna
keep dropping little hints

about the dangers of cruising,

and I want you to back me up.

Dinner!

Uh, mom,
where's my lime jello salad?

Oh, shoot, Brick.
I forgot.

Really, mom? 10 years, and
you still couldn't pull it off?

Wow. Lucky I know you
very well.

Ta-da!

We didn't have
any fresh-fruit cocktail,

so I substituted skittles.

Wow, Brick.

You know, you're supposed to
let it refrigerate

for four hours.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe we could do
a taste test

against the one you made.

Okay, everybody.

Let's say grace,
and then we can all dig in.

Who's that?

Dr. Goodwin. Hey.

Happy turkey day!
Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Uh, I couldn't remember
whether you wanted me

to bring something
when you invited me.

That's funny,

'cause I couldn't remember
inviting him.

Oh, am I late?

No, we were just waiting for you
so we could get started.

We haven't started yet.

Stop it.
Stop eating right now.

So, this is my husband, Mike,

my parents, Tag and Pat,

and my kids,
Axl, Sue, and Brick.

This is Dr. Goodwin,
my boss.

- Oh. Hi, hi.
- Oh. Hi.

Hi, there, everyone.

Frankie's told me so much
about you.

I-I feel
like I know you all.

Except for you two.

You two are complete strangers.

- Hmm.
- You know, I think I'm gonna change

where I was gonna have you sit.

Mike, can you help me
for a second?

- What's he doing here?
- I don't know.

I hate to say it,

but I'm not even looking forward
to Thanksgiving this year.

My family just fights
all the time.

You should come
to my house for Thanksgiving.

Okay, I will.

Yeah.
See you there.

Apparently,
he doesn't get sarcasm.

Slide down, Axl.

Okay.
Finally, we're all here.

So, everybody, let's dig in

before everything gets cold.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Oops.
Forgot one thing.

I'll be right back.

I'd just like to say
that this year,

I'm thankful someone remembered
to make a lime jello salad,

and that person was me.

You know there's a bottle cap
in there, right?

Yep.

Okay. Here we go.

You know, I'm just thankful
that I'm not on a cruise ship

that's been boarded by pirates.

Right, Mike?

You want to expand on that?

Nope.

Happy Thanksgiving!

For the hostess.

Marlene, hi. Wow.

Um, Mike said
Rusty wasn't coming.

Mike, didn't you say
your brother wasn't coming?

Oh, he isn't.
He isn't.

But I wasn't gonna let that
keep us away.

- Family's family.
- Yeah.

You remember my kids
from previous relationships.

This is Colleen
and Louis Vuitton.

Hello.

Come on in.

Gosh, I guess I haven't seen you

since the wedding.

Hey, everybody,

you remember Mike's brother's
wife, Marlene,

and her children
from previous relationships.

- Hey. - You know our family,
and this is my boss, Dr. Goodwin.

Oh.

Hey, kids,
can you, um, help me out?

Oh. I just remembered something
I want to add to this.

I'm not comfortable
with all these people here

eyeing my jello salad.

I only made enough for me.

Are you kidding me?
This is awesome.

This is the perfect way
for me to break my news.

Mom and dad are not gonna
yell at me

in front of all these people,
especially not her boss.

And by the time
they get me alone,

they'll only be able to muster
up like 10% of the rage.

Mm.

Okay, here we are.
Potatoes and stuffing.

Take some and pass it along.

I'm fine with my jello.

Well, just so nice
to see everyone,

since we won't be here
for Christmas.

I don't know
if Frankie told you,

but we're going on a cruise.

You know, people go missing

on cruises all--
all the time.

What was that story
you were telling me, Mike,

about the honeymoon couple
went missing on a cruise

and all-- all they found
was a flip-flop?

- I-I don't know.
- Really?

'Cause you told me about it,
so I think you do know.

Oh, I took a dental cruise
last year to the Bahamas.

It was magical.

The culture, the language.

I even learned
a traditional Caribbean dance--

the Bamboula.

♪ Da,
da-da, da-da-da ♪

This guy's killing me.
Who invited the happy cruiser?

Nobody, actually.

Dysentery!

Rivers of crap. It happens.

Engines fail in the middle
of the ocean all the time.

I mean,
they're floating graveyards.

- What...
- So, you're a dentist?

- Mm.
- That must be your hatchback out front.

I bet it has a lot of leg room.

Mike, a word.

Did you need a napkin, ma'am?
'Cause that's mine.

Oh.

Yeah.

What gives, Mike?

You're leaving me hanging
out there.

I'm throwing you softballs,
and you're whiffing it.

Look, Tag,
I don't really want to--

Okay, here's the deal.
New jag.

I'm gonna tell them that you
borrowed $10,000 from me

and can't pay it back,

and you're too embarrassed
to admit it.

I'm not gonna say that.

Then you shouldn't
have borrowed the money.

What?

I'm just trying
to believe my own lie

so I can sell it.

You know,
people always hate dentists,

but I love them.

Yeah, their skilled hands
and white coats

and dirty-position
chairs.

Well, we don't really
call it that.

Maybe I can come
and lie on yours one day.

I'm confused. Isn't she
married to Uncle Rusty?

Drink your jello, Brick.

Oh, I will.

And what do you do?

Everything.

This is it, Brick.

This is my moment.

Excuse me.

I'd just like to say
how thankful I am

to be surrounded
by so many loved ones,

because when bad news
has to be delivered,

you need your family
and friends and bosses

to not overreact to--

I lost all our money.
There's no cruise.

What?!

I lost it all
playing online poker.

Oh,
you dumb son of a--

Dad!

Mike told me to lie,
but I had to come clean.

- Mike! - Why are you lying?
- What?!

You can't even order
your own vitamins on Amazon,

but you gamble...

I could have sworn
she was married to Uncle Rusty,

because I remember the wedding
in our backyard.

- Dad gave a speech.
- She kept batting her eyes at me.

Please!

Let's not overreact here.

Look.
Everyone makes mistakes.

The important thing
is forgiveness.

And in that spirit, mom and dad,
I'd like to tell you

in front of all your family
and bosses that--

You know what?
I put this in the window

and you're not shopping?
What gives, huh?

Is it because I'm divorced?

- What?
- You and Rusty are divorced?

He didn't tell you?

He's not a good communicator.

That was one of our issues.

I mean, not the biggest one.

The biggest one was that I slept
with his best friend,

but certainly top three.

This is so good.

So, Thanksgiving
was winding down.

And for some people,
it wasn't ending fast enough.

Ah, well, this was so much fun.
I should get going.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't go.
We haven't even had dessert yet.

- Please let me leave.
- We're leaving, too.

No, wait.
You can't go.

I have something I need to say,

and I want to say it
in front of all of you.

Now, I won't go
into a big intro

because I keep
getting interrupted--

Hey, look. Is that mom?

That is you.

Well,
with the holidays upon us,

it seems every year, we have to
report a story like this.

No, I agree.

Hey. That picture's
taken out of context.

You know what?
Let's turn it off.

Isn't the Thanksgiving
parade on?

A warning-- some of these
images may be disturbing.

Here, take it!

What is it?

I don't know, but it's 60% off!

What is happening?!

I was just trying to get over
to the discount calendars,

and this little, bitty thing
just came over and ran me down.

I'm thankful I wasn't hurt.

Yes, it appears all of us

who were not at
the Pioneer Galaxy Mall last--

That wasn't all!

You guys didn't see
the whole thing.

Mom kept throwing me things,

and she kept saying,
"Put it in the cart!

Put it in the cart!
Put it in the cart!"

And everyone went nuts
and started grabbing things.

I had to fling myself
on the cart to stop them.

So, I hope you enjoy
your iTouch, Brick.

Fine.

You guys judge me
with your judge-y little eyes.

Go ahead.

Everybody wants
great Christmas presents

for low, low prices,

but nobody wants to know
how it gets done.

Nobody wants to
get their hands dirty.

Well, I did it.
I did what I had to do.

That's what it takes to pull off
Christmas with no money.

And it's not pretty.

I had to drop three classes.

You had to drop three classes?

- You were only taking four!
- Hey, look.

I think we should all
keep this in perspective.

You know, weigh it
up against some crimes

other people in this family
might have done.

Oh, no. We're not talking
about me anymore.

We're talking about you.
How could this happen?

I had to drop them.

My professors
were gonna fail me.

I mean, I'm crushing
my Music-Appreciation class.

Getting a C.

And I'm only showing up
half the time.

Well...

it's your life.

And they
are gonna call holding...

Oh, God.

I really shouldn't have eaten
those mashed potatoes.

You sure it wasn't
that pan of pus you sucked down?

What's your problem?
Your plan worked.

You got away with it.
Dad barely reacted.

No. No way.
Something bad's coming.

Dad's way too calm.

It's weird.
He's got to be furious with me.

You guys want to play
some football?

Uh... sure.

Axl, you're my receiver.

Brick, you keep laying there

and finish what you started.

Okay.

Okay. Great.

So, it's family versus family.

All right, Goodwins,
let's do this.

- Dads cover the dads.
- Ready?

Go on. Go on.

Okay. Here we go.
47. 22.

Hut! Hut! Hike!

Nice snap, Sue.

Oh!

That's okay.

Wow, that girl can hit.

I don't even have the ball.

And you're on my team!

Oh, sorry.

You know, Frankie.

You causing that mall stampede

made me pissing away
the cruise money

look not so bad.

Okay,
I think the term "Stampede"

is a little inaccurate.

I would call it a...
group hurry.

Ready? Break.

The point is
everyone makes mistakes.

I think now is a good time
to tell you

that I joined Weight Watchers
in 1996,

and I forgot to cancel
my monthly membership.

Hmm.

Down, set.

Hut! Hike!

Mm. That's okay, Axl.
You tried.

What? No, it's not.

It's not all right.
What's the matter with you?

Why aren't you yelling at me?

Why would I yell at you?

Uh, 'cause I had to drop
three classes.

It's your life, Axl.

Stop saying that.

What do you want me to say?

That you should stop
goofing around in college

and start taking it
more seriously?

Yeah.

That you should
spend more time studying

and less time partying?

Duh.

That you should realize
the decisions you make now

are gonna determine
the rest of your life,

so you better
think them through?

Uh, yeah.
I think so, yeah.

I'm not gonna say that.
You're not ours anymore.

It's your life now.
It's up to you how it all goes.

Well,
thanks for the heads-up.

That would have been great
to know before I screwed it up.

When were you planning on
telling me?

Hey, you want to be an adult?
Be an adult.

Fine.

I'll meet with my adviser
as soon as I get back to school

and figure out
how I can make up these credits.

Is that what you want?

It doesn't matter what I want.

It's what you want.

What game are you playing?

There's no game, Axl.

Uh, is this part of the game,
you saying there's no game?

Come on in.
Pie's ready.

Okay, next semester,
I am loading up on credits,

and I'm not doing anything fun.

Fun's over.
No joining a frat.

No Thirsty Thursdays.
No nothing.

And I'm coming home
every weekend to study.

And I'm not giving myself
any pie.

I don't deserve pie.

Okay, well,
maybe one small piece,

but I will not use
whipped cream.

Yeah, in our house,

Thanksgiving means
being thankful

that no matter
what stupid thing you did,

it's a pretty safe bet

that someone did
something stupider than you.

Again, I am so sorry
about everything.

I know it was
a pretty screwy Thanksgiving.

So, I guess I'll see you
at Christmas, huh?

- Okay, I'll be here.
- Oh, yeah. I know you will.

See you on the 25th.