The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Middle - full transcript

(Crows caw)

(Toto's "Rosanna" playing)

(Singing along) ♪ all I wanna do
when I wake up in the morning ♪

♪ is see your eyes ♪

♪ Rosanna, Rosanna ♪

(Frankie)
I know what you're thinking.

What am I doing on a walk?

Well, there's only so much
you can do when you get fired.

I already laid on the couch,
I already ate all the chips.

Actually, I was walking
to the store to get more

when I discovered
walking clears your head.



It really opens your mind
to what's around you.

Yep, you never know
where a walk will lead.

(Axl and Sue grunting)
Oh, right. Here.

Mom! Axl ate my cheese
and sausage display!

Mom's fault! Now that she's
home, she eats all our food.

I need this display, Axl!

Mom and dad only pay for half
my trip to Cincinnati,

and we are responsible

for fund-raising
the other half ourselves.

Oh, this is for you to leave?
How much to get you to Alaska?

Thank you guys so much.

It's a really big deal
for the mascot

to be asked on the band trip.

Unprecedented, actually.



I am making up a whole new
routine for the competition.

Look.

Don't show us too much.

We... wanna be surprised
when we see the tape.

I just wish
you were still at Ehlert's.

Do you think you're gonna get
a new job anytime soon?

Well, it's a big decision,
going back to school.

I want to make
the right choice.

Hey, what do you think about me

being a crime scene investigator, huh?
(Door closes)

A CSI sounds pretty cool
at cocktail parties.

There's no crime in Orson...
or cocktail parties. (Liquid spilling)

Brick, why don't you
use a bowl?

A plate of water
just has a nice ring to it.

So I guess it's my turn
to feed the bunny again?

It's always your turn.
It's your bunny.

I didn't ask for it,
I didn't buy it,

and yet I'm stuck feeding it.

Yeah, join the club.

Mm. Mm!
(Water spills)

You're making a mess.
Here, give that to me.

You've gotta get to school.

Actually, I was thinking
about taking a personal day.

Why? What's going on
in school?

It's just we're getting

the human development
talk today.

I guess they put girls in
one room, boys in the other,

and make us all
watch this movie,

"what's going on
down there?"

And then we talk about it.

Do I have to go?
It's embarrassing.

You don't need a movie.

Here's all
you need to know--

before, after. (Laughs)
(Crunches)

Don't sweat it, Brick.
You're just growing up.

It's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

And anyway,
you already know the basics.

You did have the talk
with him, didn't you?

I thought so.
I-I can't remember.

You must have, 'cause I know
I talked to Sue.

- Didn't I?
- I don't know.

- But I definitely talked to Axl.
- Okay.

Hang on.

Well, that's what school's for.
(Cereal rattles)

Ha! Brainstorm.

Since mom has
no current place of business,

and I already hit
all the neighbors,

why don't I come
to the quarry after school

and sell
my cheese and sausage there?

Uh, no, Sue,
I don't wanna do that.

The guys will feel obligated
to buy from you

'cause I'm the boss.

Exactly.

Sorry about this.
You know, kids.

Yeah, kids.

When mine wanted
to sell wrapping paper here,

you said there was
a no soliciting policy at work.

Door's open now, Mike.

My girl's selling
popcorn tins again.

She's the only one in her troop

that didn't get to meet
Jane Pauley last year

because of you.

(Lowered voice) I got a hunch
she'll be going this year.

Payday. Mike Heck around?

Uh, no. He's with
the yellow hat guys.

But I'm his daughter.
You can leave it with me.

("Rosanna" playing) You know, this walking
thing could really become a habit.

I was noticing things
I'd never noticed before.

The Johnsons
are growing zinnias,

the Butterfields painted their
mailbox to look like a cow.

(Door slams)

(Crow cawing)

(Cans clatter)

And Rita Glossner's back.

So guess what I saw on my walk?

Yeah, yeah.
Mailbox like a cow. You told me.

No. You're not
gonna believe it.

Rita Glossner.
She's back.

Really? Are we sure
she was ever gone?

I don't know,
but she's back. (Sighs)

Well, leave her alone.

Just don't start anything.

(Mouth full) Oh, I didn't.

When I saw her,
I ran right home.

Good. Don't even
make eye contact.

Aw, Frankie!

I know! I tried not to,
but I think I did.

My eyes were just
looking that way,

and then she was there,
and her eyes were there.

And before I knew it,
I was looking at her,

and I think she saw me, too.
I didn't mean to!

Oh, stupid eyes.
(Door opens and closes)

(Brick) Ugh.

Thank God that's over.

(Bottles clinking) Oh, right.

How'd the big talk go?
(Refrigerator closes)

Well... (Sighs) The nurse
made us watch a movie

where a boy kept running
around a track.

It was boring, so Dillon Murray

made an inappropriate
shadow puppet,

and everybody giggled
and the nurse yelled at us.

Yep, sounds about right.

Then when she put
the movie back on,

the boy took a cheerleader
roller skating

and bought her some ice cream.

After he got home,
he took a long shower,

and a doctor told us not
to feel bad about our urges.

Then the girls came back in

and they had little pink
gift bags that we didn't get.

That doesn't seem fair.

Well, at least
you got through it.

Not really.
They're making us

have a follow-up discussion
next week.

When does all
this sex stuff end?

It... tapers off.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll go
look at your bras now.

I'm not sure why,
but apparently,

it's totally normal.

And you guys are always after me
to be normal, so...

Car salesman?

There's a class for that?
Guess I should have taken it.

(Doorbell rings)

I want my hose back.

- What?
- My hose. You took it.

Now what am I supposed to do,

wait for the rain
to fill up my pool?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I don't have your hose.

Right.

I seen you casing my house,

walking by, staring at me.

No, no.
I was just... looking.

N-not even a look.
Just a glance.

Just 'cause we didn't know
you were back in town.

You've been gossiping
about me behind my back?

No, no.
No one did that.

We were just wondering,
you know, a-about your kids.

You got no business
wondering about my kids.

My kids were fine.
People was looking in on 'em.

Good. Good.

That's responsible.
Looking in.

Hey, you know,
m-maybe you should

ask one of them
about your hose.

Maybe one of your boys has it.

You think my kids stole it?
Is that what you're hinting at?

No, no.
I-I never said "stole."

You know, I ought
to punch your boobs in.

But I won't, 'cause I'm a lady.

But if that hose ain't back
in my yard by tomorrow,

I'm gonna rain fire down
on your house.

Well, I won't be able
to put it out!

(Clatter)

'Cause I didn't take your hose!

She can't really
rain fire, can she?

I mean, she'd have to be Zeus
to pull that off.

Oh, Sue, your check
and your permission slip

are on the table.

But tell 'em not
to cash it till Friday.

Oh... yeah.

Turns out I won't need it
after all.

I'm not going.

What?

Why not?
Did the trip get canceled?

Uh, they decided mascots
weren't allowed anymore.

Oh, well.

Really? And you were
so excited.

What happened?

Uh, yeah. Apparently
they had some concerns.

Uh, it's really hot this year.

Mascots are dropping
like flies,

and they think
we distract from the music.

Also, they're really worried
about mascot safety,

because too many hours
in the giant head

can hurt your spine.

That's actually a big one.

I should have said
that one first.

Oh, honey, that really sucks.

I know how much
you were looking forward--

(Clattering, motor revving)

Mike wanted to call the cops,

but I knew that'd only
make things worse.

So the next day,

I asked Axl to keep an eye
on the house--

a job he took
surprisingly seriously.

Okay. I checked
the whole neighborhood,

but this is all
the poop I could find.

I was hoping for more ammo,

but that'll do.

Water balloon?

It's not water. (Laughs)
You know.

(Rustling)

It's me, Sue.

You guys...

I have to tell you something.

I don't know if I should say,

but it's just so big,
I can't hold it in anymore.

Mom and dad have been keeping
a terrible secret from us.

We're poor!

Oh, no. What'll they say
at the club?

It's the truth, Axl.

I accidentally peeked
at dad's paycheck

and saw how much money
he makes.

Sue, we go out after tornadoes
looking for clothes. We know.

We have to do something
to help.

I gave up my trip so they
don't have to pay for it,

and you guys better start
thinking of ways

we can save money, too.

No way. It's their fault.
They don't know how to budget.

They should have stopped
having kids after me.

You guys are
the real money drain

with your braces
and your special school.

I don't go to a special school.

You don't?

I just feel so bad for them.

They must be
so worried all the time.

That's probably why
they're so cranky.

Right.

These might not even be
their real personalities.

They could be lovely people.
We don't know.

Oh, I just wish I'd never looked
at that stupid paycheck.

Stop whining. It's about time
you joined the real world.

Welcome to adulthood.

Now arm yourselves with a poop
bomb and get ready to throw.

Ugh.

Mm. Here.
Take these outside.

The boys are eating
in the bunker tonight.

Frankie...

Well, we can't just abandon it.

It's almost dark.
That's prime Glossner time.

Our kids are living
in an old picnic table.

Even for us, that's weird.

Look, I've got
a plan to fix this.

Let's say we buy her
a new hose,

just to keep the peace.

We can't do that.
That's admitting guilt.

Rain of fire, Mike.
Rain of fire.

So that's it?
This is our life now?

Pretty much.

Unless I end up being
a really successful...

car salesman. Seriously?

(Both crunching)

(Exhales)

You know, I should
probably stay here

and keep guard tomorrow, too.

Guess I'll never know
what's going on down there.

Dude, you're gonna want
to know that stuff.

Trust me, one day, you're gonna
be just as excited about girls

as you are about books.

I don't really
see that happening.

Okay. When you go a day
without reading a book,

how do you feel?

Like I'm going crazy.

I just wanna get
my hands on one.

Exactly.
That's how you're gonna feel

about girls some day.

I don't know.

I'm still confused about
all that stuff in the movie.

Maybe I should just go
to the library and research it.

You don't need the library.
That's what the ax-man's for.

Huh?

Let me break this down
for you...

So over the next two hours,
Axl explained everything...

in graphic detail.

And that's...

why you gotta pretend to listen

when chicks talk
about their feelings.

I know, I know.
Not my best moment.

Mike's usually
pretty smart about things.

But if you ask me,

$13.99 is a small price
to pay for peace.

Like the Peyton Manning
football I gave him

that wasn't really signed
by Peyton Manning,

he just doesn't need to know.

Wow. For someone
with such big feet,

she sure is quiet.

What are you doing in my yard?

Oh, I, uh, was,
uh, walking at night,

you know, like I always do.
You've probably seen me.

And I noticed that, uh,

oh, your hose is here
after all.

Isn't that funny?
(Laughs)

That's not my hose.

Oh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sure it is.

It looks like it.
Squirts water.

Mine's orange.

Really? Huh.

Who would have guessed?
That's such a rare color.

Well, a hose is a hose.

Here, go ahead.
Take it.

I don't want that crappy hose.

Well, yeah,
this is even better.

I mean, your hose was old
and beaten up,

and look-- this is all shiny
and brand-new.

You sure do know
a lot about my hose

for someone who didn't take it.

Hose thief!

Okay, that's it.
I am a good neighbor.

I don't steal.
My family doesn't steal.

Your family's
the one who steals!

I don't like
what you're implying.

I'm not implying anything.

It's a fact. Your kids
are a bunch of hooligans!

They take everything
in the neighborhood--

bikes, toys, shrubbery.

Don't you talk about my kids.
Them's good boys.

- Where you been at?!
- None of your damn business.

(Burps)

You expect me to believe

that you're dumb enough
to bring back a hose

that you didn't even take
in the first place?

Fine. You know what?

I tried to be nice,
but I'm done.

I'm taking it home.
It's my hose now.

Oh, so you're gonna steal it
a second time?

You said you didn't want it!
It's on my property!

No! I'm taking it back!
Let go!

You let go!

It's not your hose, lady!
You said you didn't want it! Give it!

Uhh!
(Clink)

Ow. (Exhales)

Morning.

Morning.

Is there coffee?

Yep.

Somethin' wrong?

(Pouring coffee)
Okay, if I tell you,

you have to promise
not to get mad.

I can't make that promise.

(Coffeepot clatters)
Something happened last night.

What the hell?

- How'd you do that?
- I went over to the Glossners'.

Frankie, I told you
that was a bad idea.

She didn't hit you, did she?

No, the hose did.

What, she found the hose?

Not exactly.

(Sighs) Look, I know you
didn't love the idea,

but I bought her a new hose
and went over there to leave it.

But Rita caught me,
and she called me a thief,

which, I mean, come on.

So we got in a fight,
and the hose chipped my tooth.

Listen, I don't want to hear
a bunch of "I told you sos."

How many do I get?
Give me a number.

Look, I did the honorable thing

and snuck over there
in the middle of the night.

Could you cover your mouth
while you talk?

It's that noticeable?

You're actually
starting to look like

you're in our income bracket.

(Sighs) It's that bad, huh?

Ah, I'd better call the dentist
and see if he can squeeze me in

before Ehlert realizes
I'm still on his insurance.

(Doorbell rings)

Mr. Heck, how are you?

Fine.
Sue, your friends are here!

(Sue) Be out in a minute!

Brad and I are taking Sue
to the mall,

but don't worry, we're not
gonna spend any money.

Because things
don't make you happy.

People do.

But if Sue wants a Fro-Yo,
I can pay for it

with the money I made juggling
at the ren fair this summer.

That's short
for "renaissance."

You don't have to
explain everything.

Oh! I almost forgot.
I come bearing gifts.

For Brick, some of
my favorite hand-me downs.

For Mrs. Heck,
the Ali MacGraw yoga workout.

It's like an antidepressant
in a VHS tape.

And for you, Mr. Heck,
a hug.

Hey, Sue! You don't want
to keep your friends waiting!

Anyway, uh,
it's nice of you guys

to get Sue out of the house.

She's been kind of down
since they told her

that the mascots
can't go on that trip.

What? Yeah, they can.

No, I think
you're wrong, Carly.

You know what?
Uh, you guys go on ahead.

I gotta talk
to Sue about something.

Okay, but remember,
Mr. Heck,

I'm not just her friend.

I'm here for you, too, 24/7.

Tweet me. We can also
Facebook, Skype, G-Chat.

- You want me to write this all down?
- I'm good.

(Whispers) Okay.

Hey. So I was just wondering,

who exactly decided
you couldn't go on this trip?

I saw your paycheck,
okay? (Gasps)

I am so, so sorry.

It was just sitting there
on the desk,

a-and they didn't lick
the sticky part,

so it was open, and I looked,
and I saw how much you make,

and my trip costs
too much money.

I don't wanna go!

What? Sue, what are you
talking about?

I know you don't
get paid a lot of money.

A-and I am a horrible person

because I am always
asking for stuff,

and mom doesn't have a job,
and you work all the time,

and our TV has a weird,
squiggly line down the middle.

But just last week,
I had mom buy me

a "girls rule the world"
pencil case.

I am so selfish!

Sue, you're not selfish.
You're a normal kid.

But I already know
girls rule the world.

So do I really need to read it
on a pencil case?

It's like I am just
throwing money away!

Hey, hey, stop.

Okay, listen, you're right.

I am?

Yeah. We don't have a lot
of extra money right now.

Oh. Okay.

But it's not your job
to worry about it.

I'm the dad. It's my job.

And I say "no"
to plenty of stuff.

And this trip is a big deal.
You worked hard.

So... we can do it.

But your paycheck.

If that's what you make
every two weeks,

my trip is too expensive.

Sue, you didn't look
close enough.

I get paid every week.

You do?

Yeah.

Now go get your costume.
The band needs its chicken.

Are you sure?

Go, honey.
Have a good time.

I'm going to a band competition
in Cincinnati!

How could I not?! Aah!
(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

You get paid every two weeks.

Yeah.

But just like that autographed
Justin Bieber hat we got her,

she doesn't need to know.

(Southern accent) It's a mighty
fine thing you done.

Go get that fixed.

(Normal voice) On my way.

(Water flowing)

(Scoffs) Are you kidding me?

Brick, where did you get this?

Oh, I took it
from the Glossners.

What? And the whole time
I've been talking

about the hose
that Rita thinks I stole,

you didn't say anything?

Oh, I thought you were
talking about panty hose.

(Engine starts)

Okay, look, we just have to
get rid of this

before anybody finds out.

Are you sure
it's even the Glossners'?

I think they might have
stolen it from the Donahues.

Yeah, well the Donahues
aren't gonna punch my boobs in,

so we're getting
rid of it anyway.

(Shifts gears) And, Brick, we
never speak of this again.

Just like that autographed
X Games posters we got Axl.

(Tires screech)

Seriously, how does she
keep doing that?

(Crows cawing)

Where are you both
sneakin' off to?

Just going to the dentist to get
my tooth fixed. (Chuckles)

I did that once
on a cop's belt.

(Laughs)

That's really funny.

Well, we should go.

Nobody to watch him,
so he's gotta come with me.

Not that our house
is empty right now.

I know where my hose is.

(Chuckles nervously) We don't.

(High-pitched voice)
Whoop.

(Whispering) Whoop.

I'm lying.

Somebody put it
back on my lawn.

The orange one?

Oh. Well... huh.

Wow. That's great
that you got it back.

When us Glossners
make a mistake,

we admit it.

That's why so many of us
is in jail.

We've got integrity.

Oh, yeah. That's-- that is
honorable. I appreciate it.

So I want you all to come over
Sunday for a pool party.

That's not necessary.

I don't want to owe you nothing.
You're coming.

Okay. Great.
(Chuckles) See you then.

I never did find out how that hose
got to Rita. (Tires screech)

Probably some other
scared neighbor.

But it's the Glossners,

so Brick and I
made ours disappear,

just in case.

Brick and I never talked
about that night again.

But he did have a lot to say
on another subject.

Does anyone have any questions?

When chicks "want it,"

do they want it right away,
or can I finish my book first?

He told the kids
everything Axl had told him.

And the nurse told us...

and we told Axl.

At least he had the right info,
'cause it turned out,

we hadn't talked
to any of the kids.

Yep. You start going off
on a walk,

and you never know
where it'll lead.

If I hadn't gone
for a walk that day,

I wouldn't have
chipped my tooth,

which sent me
to the dentist's office,

where I learned the girl

that put the squirty thing
in my mouth

is well paid and gets to wear
comfy shoes all day...

which led me to finally settle
on my new career--

dental assistant.

'Cause believe me, if there's
one thing I've learned,

teeth are important.

- Another beer?
- Sure.

Then run over to your house
and get us some.

I'll keep an eye on your kids.

(Children shouting playfully)