The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Smile - full transcript

(Crows cawing)

Have you guys seen my iPad?

(Frankie)
I know what you're thinking.

80% of our appliances
have duct tape on 'em.

How the hell did Brick
get an iPad?

Well, when a kid
really wants something,

they chip away at you like
a lumberjack on a redwood.

I guess it started
about a month ago.

(Laughs)

- What's so funny?
- Hey, Mike, get in here.

Go ahead. Ask your dad
what you just asked me.



Can you guys buy me an iPad?

(Laughs)

- Thanks, buddy. I needed that.
- Yeah.

- See you guys tonight.
- Okay.

(Laughs) "Can you guys
buy me an iPad?"

- Yeah. (Laughs)
- So the iPad? Yes or no?

(Door opens and closes) Brick, the
only way you're getting an iPad

is if you're in
Steve Jobs' will.

(Whistling)

(Bottles rattle)

What?
(Refrigerator door closes)

Today is baby day
for spirit week,

so me, Sean, and Darrin
are rockin' the diapers.

Baby seniors rule!
(Rattles)



Hey, uh, if you get
a chance today,

you wanna stop by
the College Center

and find out why we haven't
heard from East Indiana yet?

Mom, a lot of people haven't
heard anything yet, all right?

You don't have to worry
about this.

I got it under control.

I'm practically an adult, so...

Ah! Good thing you're wearing
those diapers, dude,

'cause guess who just got
accepted to Notre Dame.

Wow. Maybe you'll date
a leprechaun.

It's not just him.

You are looking at two pillars
of higher education.

I just got my fat envelope

from Midwest Institute
of Air Conditioning Repair.

First choice!

All right, so what's the story
with you, man?

You get the good news
from East Indy yet?

Uh, nah. Nothing official,

but the recruiter pretty much
told me it's a lock,

so... (Chuckles)
I am not sweating it.

Yeah. No worries.

If it doesn't happen,
I could probably get you in

at MIACR.

I'm a legacy.

All right, men, uh,
enough college talk.

Let's talk about something
really important.

- Our senior prank.
- Yeah.

I'm not sure I'm really
feeling a prank this year.

We're seniors.
When else are we gonna do it?

I just don't feel like it,
'kay?

- Don't get your diapers in a twist.
- They're not diapers.

They're adult comfort shorts.

My grandpa wears 'em
when he plays golf.

(School bell rings)

You know how Sue was usually
invisible to teachers?

Well, this year,
she finally got noticed by one.

The bell has rung, people.

The school may find it amusing
to have you all dressed up

and run around
like little babies,

but in my class, you will be
treated like the young adults

you claim to be.
Miss Heck...

next time you write
an essay for my class,

let's try using one color ink
instead of 20.

(Pens clatter)

Oh, and I hate to rain
on your parade,

but perhaps it's time
to stop dotting your I's

with little hearts.
(Paper rustles)

(Students chuckle and murmur)

Silence!

(Students gasp)
Do any of you have the desire

to think outside yourselves

and to contribute to the world
you live in?

Somebody say, "yes, I do."

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
You're all pleasure seekers.

It's me, me, me 24/7.

You get upset if the battery
in your phone dies.

But did you know that
Alessandro Volta

invented the battery in 1800?

Well, of course you don't.

You think it was invented
by a little pink bunny

who goes around banging away
on a big bass drum.

Now for your next assignment,
you will propose an hypothesis.

You will design and produce
an experiment

to test said hypothesis
and determine

whether to accept or reject it...
(Pen clicks)

and I want this question
to come from your soul.

Where is your passion?

What do you care about?

What are you
really interested in?

The answer is not gonna be
on your computer

or your television.

He's not gonna pop up for you
in an app.

This project is 40%
of your grade.

So as you Americans say,
you had better get crackin'.

_

(Hair dryer whirring)

Dad, can you please
get me an iPad?

I'm heating up my coffee
with a hair dryer.

What do you think?
(Hair dryer turns off)

(Electricity crackles)

I don't think you realize what
getting me an iPad would mean.

For example,
when we go on trips,

you wouldn't have to
lug around all my books.

Remember that time
you threw out your back

while picking up my book bag?

(Door opens)
The answer's still no,

but thanks for reminding me I'm old.
(Door closes)

(Sighs)

Well?
Anything in the mail?

Just bills.

You know,
it wouldn't just be for me.

The whole family could use it.
(Sighs)

Are we still talking
about that iPad?

You know, it was funny
the first 70 times.

Now it's starting to get old.

We should have heard by now.

The guy made it sound
like it was locked up.

I gotta tell you, Frankie, I'm
getting a little nervous here.

You know what?
There's a little hope.

(Refrigerator closes) One of the
girls in my dental materials class

said that her sister
applied to East Indy

about the same time as Axl,

and she still
hasn't heard yet either.

- Hmm. - If I get lost on my way
to school and need directions...

(Sighs)
there's an app for that.

Why are we still talking
about this? Go away.

But, dad, you're not letting me
prove my--

Go.
(Hair dryer resumes whirring)

(Hair dryer turns off)

(Sighs)

Brad.

How would you like to be
the first subject

in my science experiment?

Are you kidding?
I'd be honored.

But I should warn you, I can't
tolerate needles or tickling.

We should be good. Okay.

I'll smile at you, and then
if you smile back at me,

that proves my hypothesis
that smiling is contagious.

Love it.

You will be subject X.

The first entry in my log.

Ready?

Ready.

Brad?

Yeah?

I think you
have to stop smiling.

Otherwise, when I smile at you,

- we won't know if you smile back.
- Oh, right. Of course.

Okay, I'm ready. Go.

Oh! Damn it, Bradley.
Why can't you do this?

You went to drama camp,
for God sake.

It's not your fault, Brad.
The reason this isn't working

is because I told you
the experiment.

I was just so excited,
I had to share.

But I tainted the results.
You know what?

I need to test my hypothesis
on strangers.

Good luck.

(Indistinct conversations)

So while Sue was trying to
prove smiling is contagious,

Mike and I were proving
being nervous definitely was.

- Anything yet?
- Still waiting. I don't get it.

We should have heard
something by now.

You know that lady in my class?

Her sister got accepted
to East Indiana today.

Crap. Well, let's just agree,
whatever happens,

he is not living
in our house next year.

I think I should call the coach

and see what's going on.

No, we can't do that, Mike.
We don't wanna be those parents.

(Gasps)

(Engine turns off)

Afternoon, folks.
(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

Oh, come on.
Mama needs a fat envelope.

Beautiful day today, huh?

Yeah, whatever. You got
anything else in there for us?

- Nope. That's it.
- Uh, you know what?

How about I just take
a little look myself?

Oh, ma'am,
that's a federal offense.

Hey, look, there's a mean dog.

Ma'am, I have got to get
back on my route.

There are other citizens
who are counting on me.

(Starts engine) Oh, what are you, Batman?
Let me see in the damn bag!

(Man shouts indistinctly)
(Tires squeak)

This is my son's future
we're talking about!

I know it's in there!
I know you have it!

We never got
the Andersons' Christmas card!

Two weeks later, and still
nothing new with the mail.

Well, not exactly nothing.

I can't believe
they switched our mailman.

What are they worried
about me for?

They're the ones
that go postal.

Not now, Sue.

You can dust all you want,
Brick.

You're not getting an iPad.

So while Mike and I had been
harassing the loyal servants

of the US Postal Service,

turns out
it wasn't the '80s anymore,

and the news
we were all waiting for

was coming over
a different kind of mail.

(Cell phone buzzing)

Yes! I'm in! Oh, my God!

I just got an official e-mail
from East Indiana State.

It's official! I'm in!
Oh, my God.

That's it! I'm outta here!
So long, suckers!

East Indiana State freshmen
rule!

(High-pitched voice)
Ha ha ha ha!

Whoo!

I still have to graduate,
don't I?

No.

But this kid in my class,
Brian Becker, got one,

and now everybody
flocks around him.

And he's got a restless leg,

and he suffers
from early onset alopecia.

I'm just saying, you guys are
always on me to make friends.

Yeah, it's a great way
to make friends,

but you're not getting an iPad.

So I was talking to mom
about the iPad,

and she thinks it'd be a great
way for me to make friends.

(Tv playing indistinctly) Friends?
I thought you wanted this thing for school.

Dad liked your friend idea,

but he thinks the iPad
should be used more for school.

You're doing fine in school.

Yeah, but in middle school,
the workload really picks up.

Well,
if it's for middle school,

we'll talk about it
when you get to middle school.

Mom says she sees it as more
of a middle school thing.

Yeah, well, middle school
is a long way off, isn't it?

(Door closes) Dad's on board
with getting the iPad,

- but he thinks middle school
is a long way off. - Really?

- He really said that?
- Hey, mom,

- can we go to Red Lobster
for dinner tonight? - No.

Yeah, that's what dad said.
He absolutely said that.

Why not? You're always saying
we should do more as a family.

We are gonna do something
as a family.

We are eating defrosted pot pies
from the Frugal Hoosier

and watching "Dance Moms."

Yeah, I just don't think that's
a very good idea for tonight.

So, since dad thought
middle school was so far away,

I was just thinking you guys
could give me the iPad

for my graduation present.

(Sighs) Are you still talking
about this?

Wouldn't red lobster be
a great place

for the family to talk
about their day?

(Singsongy) You know, in case
somebody has some news.

What do you think?
Graduation gift?

I don't know, Brick.
We'll see.

- We'll see for graduation?
- Sure.

Don't believe her, Brick.

"We'll see" is mom for
"we're never going out to eat

'cause for some reason,
we hate our kids

and delicious,
reasonably priced seafood."

Is that true, mom?

Stop bugging me, both of you.

We are not talking
about the iPad,

and we are not going
to Red Lobster.

Look, I never claimed
to be strong.

It really has something
for everybody.

I mean, mom, you can watch
"The Bachelor" anytime you want.

- And, dad, you can--
- No one cares, Brick,

but I think people might be
quite interested in this news.

I'm sitting in class today
when my phone buzzes,

- and I notice I have an e-mail that says--
- Excuse me.

Can I get you folks
started with some drinks?

Um... we'll have a couple
of pops

and water for these people.

Can I interest anyone in some
bacon-wrapped shrimp tonight?

You wrap anything in bacon,
we'll eat it.

- As I was saying-- - Allow me to show
you this Powerpoint presentation

of why I should get my iPad now

instead of waiting
for graduation.

Graduation?
What are you talking about?

Mom, said I could get one
for graduation.

Now keep in mind that
this would look a lot better

if it were presented
on an actual iPad.

You said that?
What's the matter with you?

I don't know. He was bugging me
when I was trying to study.

I probably just said it
to get rid of him.

(Mutters) - What?
(Axl) - Speaking of graduation,

I have some interesting news.
Today in class, I'm--

(People)
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Betty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(Applause)

(Crying)

As I was saying,

uh...
(Continues crying)

(Exhales deeply) - Everybody-- - So since
we have established that you agree

that the iPad would be
great for graduation--

What the hell is going on?
We're out on a Wednesday night.

We're talking about iPads.
Who are we?

New rule--
no one asks for anything

unless we're both in the room.

Okay, so can I have an iPad?

- No.
- No.

So today I found out that--

Wilson family, we got
a huge surprise for you.

Mom? Dad?

- I'm home!
(Woman) - Oh!

(Applause) (All chanting) USA!
USA!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

(Frankie) Okay, everybody,
teeth and bed.

See you guys in the morning.

Oh, and by the way, got accepted
to East Indiana State.

- What?
- Is that true?

Mm-hmm.

- Seriously?
- You got in? You really got in?

Are you messing with me? 'Cause
you do not wanna mess with me.

- Ask our former mailman.
- Don't mess with your mother.

Okay, no, don't hurt me.
I got in. I totally got in.

- Aah!
- Aah!

(Both laughing)

(Laughs)

Hey!

Come on! Come on!

Whoo! (Laughs)

Hey, as long as you guys
are in a good mood...

- No!
- No!

(All laughing)

(Frankie) Yahoo!

What up, fellow collegians?

Hey, do I have something
on my hat?

Dude! You got in.

Boss Co.'s going to college.
College hug.

(Laughs)

Oh, okay.

All right. So, look,
I'm sorry

if I was sort of a jerk before,

but now that I'm officially...
(Singsongy) in college...

(Normal voice) the prank
is back on. We're gonna--

Cement a golf cart
to the stairs?

Uh, no. No.
No, no, no, no.

We're gonna--

Let a wild bobcat
loose in the school?

Darrin.

Sorry.
I just love guessing.

Gentlemen, we're going to
climb the Orson water tower

and use paint to change
the word "Orson"

to-- preemptive high five--

- "Snore-son"!
- Dude!

- That's epic.
- Yeah.

And then right beneath
"snore-son,"

we're gonna write
"2013-- seniors rule."

And do you know why?
Because...

(Both) - Seniors rule!
- Huh!

(Both grunt) Yes!

- Let's do this.
- ♪ Ahh ♪

Well, I trust that all of you
are well ensconced

in your experiments.
Now when I call your name,

you will state your hypothesis
and bring me up to date

on your experiment.

Miss Heck?

Well... um--

"Well, um" is not an hypothesis.

Miss Moore?

My hypothesis is that
some marinade ingredients

might block
carcinogenic compounds

from forming on meat
when it's grilled.

I'm currently looking at
which ingredients would inhibit

PHIP formation,
'cause if I can find a way

to decrease carcinogens
from our diet,

I might have found a way
to prevent cancer.

Whew.

Miss Heck?

Um, well... my hypothesis...

is that smiling is contagious.

(Laughter)

(Exhales deeply)
It's more than you think.

You see,
the purpose of this project

is to prove that
when one individual smiles,

it will elicit a similar smile
from another human,

thereby decreasing levels
of worldwide...

unhappiness.

Well, then.

The rest of you will have
to tell me your hypothesis later

because I have to dust off
the Nobel prize for Miss Heck.

Let me warn you...

if this is the direction
you're going,

you... better... "wow" me.

("Smile" playing)

(Man) ♪ Smile though your
heart is aching ♪ (Crying)

♪ Smile even though
it's breaking ♪

♪ when there are clouds
in the sky ♪

♪ you'll get by ♪

Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.
Good night. Whoop!

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Oh.
- Mm.

Did you notice Brick
hasn't asked about the iPad

in two days?

75 times a day for a month,
and then nothin'. Go figure.

Huh. I think he finally
got the message

that when we say no,
we mean it,

and you know
what's that called?

Uh, a miracle.

Nope. That is called
good parenting.

Truth is they're actually
not that expensive.

What?

Well, I saw one
for 87 bucks on eBay.

I saw one for less than that.

First Generation, Refurbished.

I guess it was in
some kind of fire.

Mm.

The thing is,
he does read a lot.

If we got him one--
I'm not saying we would--

we would never have
to buy him another book.

Or drive him to the library.

He really is a great kid.
He doesn't ask for a lot.

He's willing to share it.
He said himself.

The whole family could use it.

And since Axl got
that scholarship,

we do have
a little bit of cash.

Can you imagine
how surprised he'd be

- if we actually gave it to him?
- He'd go nuts.

Let's do it.

(Man) Timber!

(Train whistle blowing
in distance)

(Clank) Ha ha ha.

(Laughs)

Whoo!

Seniors rule!

(Laughs) Ahh.

- Wow.
- Whoa.

Letters are huge.

Hells, yeah, they are.

That's why tomorrow,
the whole city is gonna see

the greatest senior prank
in the history of prankage.

(Laughs)

Hey, look, it says
"class of '92 seniors rule."

(Scoffs) How can that be?

Yeah. We'll paint over that.

- Okay, let's do this.
- Yeah.

Where's the paint?

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Darrin, the last time
you said "uh-oh,"

the paramedics had
to cut my jeans off me.

I forgot the paint.

Dude, your-- your family
owns a paint store.

(Sighs) I think I
might have a sharpie.

Do you know how long it would
take to write "snore-son"

with a sharpie?

Three days. A week?

No. Stop guessing. (Sighs)

(Clatters)

So much for being legendary.

Whoa. Check it out.

I think I can see your house.

Really?

Right there.

Hey, there's the Meenahans'
house.

Oh. (Laughs) Oh. (Laughs)
You remember after they moved,

we snuck into their yard
and dared this guy

to jump from their oak tree
to their roof?

I have never seen anyone
hit a sidewalk that hard.

I remember that.

I'll never forget that.

I don't remember that.

Whoa, is that the school?

It looks so tiny from up here.

Yeah. Felt so big
when we were freshmen.

- And there's the football field.
- Yep.

You always said that
we'd win a city championship

on that field, and we did.

You also said you'd feel
Julie O'Connor's boobs

on that field.

- Mm.
- Well, one for two ain't bad, huh?

You only felt one of 'em?

(Sighs) Remind me not to have
you fix my air conditioner.

(Snorts)

(Chuckles)

Hmm.

Can't believe we're done.

What do you mean, done?

In a couple months,

we're all gonna be going
to different schools.

Hmm.

You know what?

I'm glad Darrin
forgot the paint.

'Cause Orson was never
snore-son while we were here.

Damn straight.

We rocked this town.

Epic. (Laughs)

(Clatter)

I just lost a shoe.

Well, how did we do, Miss Heck?

I guess you'll tell me.

Class, while I grade
all your fine work,

you can continue reading
chapter 23.

If you finish, you can proceed
to chapter 24. (Pen clicks)

(Sue) Is smiling contagious?

After many attempts
with multiple subjects,

including family, friends,
a Red Lobster waitress,

and an unfriendly baby,

I, unfortunately, was unable
to prove my hypothesis.

However, like many scientists
before me,

I refuse to admit defeat.

It took Einstein ten years
to prove E=mc2,

and if it takes me that long
to prove smiling is contagious,

then I am up for the challenge,

for I believe there are
some things that defy logic.

No way! An iPad?!

And it's the one from the fire?

(Laughs) Oh, this is better
than being a good parent.

French anatomist Duchenne
wrote that

"Joy is expressed on the face
by contraction of the muscles,

but it can only be put in play

by the sweet emotions
of the soul."

Gonna miss you guys.

Okay. I'm just
gonna say it.

I love you.

- Oh. Oh, I--
- Okay, Darrin just made it weird.

I'm sorry. (Voice breaking)
I'm very emotional right now.

Yeah. Dude, come on, man.
(Laughs)

And Duchenne had a whole smile
named after him.

Think of the smiles
over the years

that have inspired
a whole world to happiness--

Mona Lisa's, Justin Bieber's.

Some might laugh at me, I know,

just as they laughed
at John Gurdon.

He was told in high school that
he would never be a scientist.

He just won the Nobel prize.

I guess it just proves that
being dismissed by people

who think they know better

is not an obstacle to winning
a Nobel prize.

So I will continue
with my research--

one smile at a time,

until I prove
that smiling is contagious,

'cause I don't wanna live
in a world where it isn't.