The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Middle - full transcript

-sync: ????

The_middle. S02e08.

Everybody loves the weekend.
It's a time to relax and unwind.

Unless you're me.

I'm running errands!
Where are my coupons?

They were right here next to my list.
Where's my list?

Then it's a time to do all the crap you
didn't get done the other five days.

Mom, can you take me, Carly,
and Shannon to the movies?

Honey, I'm already swamped.
Can't one of the other moms do it?

Well, Shannon's mom is already picking up, and
Carly's mom has to stay on the couch for a week,

because Carly's Dad accidentally
slammed her foot in the car door.



Lucky.

Dad, can you take us?

Oh, I have to go to the hardware store, and
that's in the whole opposite direction.

Plus, I don't really want to.

Football. Later.

- Oh, Axl! Will you drop me...
- What?

What you got going on
on your upper lip there?

Is that dirt?

No, it's hair, okay?

All the guys on the football team are
growing beards for the play-offs.

And what are you doin'?

Oh. Hilarious, Dad.

For your F.Y.I., this is only two days old,
and according to beard-guru. Com,

I'm showing above average
hair growth for my age.



I think it looks great, Axl.
Totally manly.

Five it.

So will you give
me a ride to the...

Dad, and you also are
looking very manly today.

Get in the car.

Okay, Brick, you know the drill.

Grab a box of something fattening and a
couple of diet sodas, and let's hit the road.

- I'm not going.
- What?

Sorry Mon, I can't do it.

Every time you have an errand, it's, "get
in the car, Brick. Get a snack, Brick.

I'm not gonna be your
poodle anymore. I'm done.

Poodle anymore. I'm done.

Oh, come on. Is running a few
errands with me really that bad?

Okay, for Sue's Prairie project,
mint or teal? Mint or teal?

Which one gets us
out of here faster?

Ooh, remnants.

So what do ya think?

Flattering or not so much?

I love it.

Okay, we're heading home.

Frankie!

Hey, Paula! I haven't
seen you since the party.

Did you hear what
happened after you left?

It's this long, crazy story.
Have you got a minute?

Sure.

Well, you know how we have that powder
room downstairs? Well, Mrs. Barnes...

Well, what can I say, Brick?

Our staff of nannies has the day off,
so unless you got a better idea,

I'm afraid you're stuck with me.

But you can be my coupon Captain.

Actually I do have a better idea.

I want to stay home alone.

Yeah. That's not happening.
You're too young.

Oh, I was old enough to hook
your bra in the dressing room.

- Hook your
- All right. Got it.

Well, gosh, if it's so
horrible to come with me,

maybe you'd rather spend the whole
afternoon at aunt Edie and aunt Ginny's.

That'd be great.

Would it? 'Cause aunt Edie has
the edema in her leg again,

and it's swollen up to
the size of a watermelon,

and you can't react to it, or
you'll really hurt her feelings.

Bring it on.

Really? He likes Amelia?

But she just moved here.
They hardly know each other.

Oh! She doesn't like him back.

She's just using him to get back at Julia,
'cause she's a backstabber.

Wow, Shannon,
you text really fast.

Thanks. Don't you text?

Uh, well, this is
my mom's old phone.

It doesn't work.
I just use it as a clock.

It's Spencer.

Okay! We're all in the same car.
Let's use our indoor screams.

He's with Greg and Brandon.They're
gonna meet us at the movie.

Hang on. Y- you never said
there was gonna be boys there.

Does your mom know about this?

Dad, it's just a movie.

Well, movies aren't
just movies for boys.

They're big, dark rooms
with girls in them.

Nothing's gonna happen.
Don't you trust us?

What? I hear this is a good movie.

So Mike was there to keep
an eye out for trouble,

but he soon realized, the real
threat wasn't from the boys.

You have gummy bear
in your braces.

I do? Is it out?

Now is it out?

Maybe you should go to
the bathroom and check.

- Okay. Anyone want to come?
- I will.

Oh, do you have to?
I'm really bad at saving seats.

Okay. Be back in a flash.

I'm actually really
good at saving seats.

I just wanted to talk to you
for a sec, if that's cool?

- Sure.
- So you and Sue are really close, right?

Duh. She's, like, my best friend.

- That's why I need your help.
- Okay.

Here's the thing. I'm having this
slumber party on Saturday night,

- and you're invited. - I am?

But I really don't think we should
say anything to Sue about it.

Then how will she know to come?

She won't.

This is so, so hard for me, because I would totally
love to invite her, because she's so sweet,

but I'm just kind of worried that if I do,
she might feel uncomfortable there.

There's just gonna be a lot of wrestlerettes there,
and I don't want people to make fun of her.

I'm just supersensitive
about feelings.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

You know how all that food you eat sort
of magically appears in the cupboards?

Well, this is a behind-the-scenes
look at that process.

Coach says dairy promotes beard growth.
Cheese is dairy, right?

So... How was your afternoon
with the aunts, Brick?

Delightful.

It was horrible!

Why can't I stay home alone?
I just turned 9.9, mom!

I'm growing up. I've raked the leaves, and
I've almost got that shoe-tying thing down.

I'm sorry, Brick.
You're not old enough.

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't let
Axl and Sue stay home at your age, either.

I'm smarter than them,
and you know it.

Frankie, you weren't there.
I've never seen anything like it.

This girl was like a Bond villain.

She says words that seem nice,
but they're not. They're evil.

Is this Shannon
we're talking about?

Yeah. Shannon.

Ugh. I was worried about her.
I thought she might be bad news.

Yeah, well, you thought right, and she's moving
in on Carly with this whole sleepover business.

You know how Sue
loves a sleepover.

Ohh. Poor Sue.

I know. So what are you gonna do?

- Nothin'.
- Nothin'?

What do you expect me to do?

Well, whatever you do about this stuff.
I don't know. This isn't my area.

Mike, you don't think
I feel horrible?

I feel horrible,
but there's nothing I can do.

Wait. You leapt into action and
organized a letter-writing campaign

when they stopped making
those cookies you liked.

Now our daughter's about to get hurt,
and you're gonna do nothin'?

Mike, this is junior high girl
drama we're talking about here.

It's a minefield. Trust me.

Ya can't just go stompin' in there,
or you'll get your legs blown off.

When did girls get like this?
I thought girls were nice.

Girls are horrible to each other.
How can you not know that?

I've never driven 'em
to the movies before.

- So this is just how girls are?
- Yep.

- And there's nothing we can do?
- No.

Brutal. I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't
last ten seconds as a girl.

Now you see why we eat
so much chocolate?

Sue, how old were you when
mom let you stay home alone?

Let's see.She left me alone twice accidentally
when I was 8, and then on purpose when I was 9.

What?!

First of all, there's
no way that that's true,

and if it is true, it's because
girls mature faster than boys.

Axl, how old were you when
mom let you stay home alone?

You don't have to answer that!
You're not on trial here.

Huh. Let's see.

Uh... Well, accidentally when I was 6,
and then for real when I was about 9.

Hey, don't sweat it. People just
mature at different rates, you know?

Well, well, well. Isn't this
an interesting development?

Seems I should certain be treated with
the same trust as my brother and sister,

who have come before me.
Don't you guys agree?

I don't think you should be allowed
to stay home alone, but I do agree...

It's torture being with mom.

So what's it gonna be?

What am I supposed to do? If I tell him no,
he'll think I don't trust him.

You don't trust him.

Of course not.You know
how distracted he gets.

Oh, God.Remember last week?

He forgot he was riding a bike.

Look, it's never gonna be
a good time with this kid.

Maybe we should just rip off the
band-aid and hope for the best.

That reminds me. He ate another
band-aid this morning.

One of ours or one he found? Never mind.
I don't wanna know.

We got bigger fish to fry.

Look what Sue left on
the kitchen counter.

"Sue and Shannon - B.F.F."
B.F.F., Frankie!

- You can't do anything.
- Damn it!

Well, I think we both
discovered that...

It's way easier giving advice
than actually taking it...

'Cause the next day...

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Sue. Hi, Carly. Shannon.

I'm helping Shannon and Carly
study for their science test.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Sue.

You're a kind and loyal friend.
It's important to be loyal.

Thanks.

Thanks for helping us.

Sue got an "A" in Mr. Murphy's
class last year.

Oh, my gosh.
Funny story about Mr. Murphy.

He said I'm probably the
smartest student he's ever had.

Oh, yeah?

I'm sorry, how is that a funny
story about Mr. Murphy, exactly?

'Cause it didn't really seem to be about
Mr. Murphy at all, and it wasn't funny.

Did I miss something?

'Cause, well, I'm all for hearing a funny
story out Mr. Murphy, but that wasn't it.

I guess what I was trying to say, without
bragging, is I'm usually top of the class,

but as a wrestlerette Captain,
I have been crazy busy.

The teachers are saying they
don't know how I do it all.

I'm just wondering,
how is that not bragging?

I mean, you said you weren't bragging,
but you do know what bragging is, right?

'Cause maybe you should skip wrestlerette
practice and try cracking a dictionary.

Dad.

What? Just helping with the vocab.
You know, in case it's ever on a test.

Come on. Let's go study in my room.

Not... You... Dad.

A few days later, I'd run out of milk,
and I'd run out of excuses.

Brick, I've made a decision. I have to make a
quick run to the grocery, and We decided...

To let you stay home alone.

Okay.

That's it?

You have been hounding me about this
for days. I thought you'd be excited.

Oh, I am.

All right. Listen.

I'll be gone exactly 24 minutes,
and emergency numbers are by the phone.

No pay-per-view, no baths,
no knives, no going in the attic.

If somebody comes to the door,
don't answer it.

But if the phone rings, you can
answer it, but if it's for me,

tell 'em I'm in the other room cleaning my
gun, and I'll call them back in 24 minutes.

You got it?

Got it. Bye.

You're welcome.

What was I worried about? All he does
is sit on the couch and read anyway.

Everything was gonna be fine.
And it would've been fine...

If he hadn't finished his book.

And there he was,
right where I left him.

What was I worried about?

Brick, what happened?! Brick, what-
Oh! Brick!

"Uh-oh"? That's all you can say?
Why were you even using the oven?

Well, you didn't tell me not to.

You said no pay-per-view, no baths,
no- I didn't think I had to!

Nobody in this house
ever uses the oven!

That's why I use it to
store aunt pearl's quilts!

I just wanted to make pizza rolls.

Microwave is for pizza rolls!
The oven is for bulky storage.

See, this is what happens when
I go against my instincts.

You are never staying home
alone again! End of story!

Hello? I still need my lunch.

So when the next Saturday rolled around,
Brick was back in the saddle with me...

All right. This is our last stop.
We just gotta get the car washed.

Don't even.

And Mike was determined to make sure that even
if Sue wasn't invited to Shannon's sleepover,

she still had a special night.

I'm really excited
for our movie night.

I can't believe you
wanted to watch "eclipse".

Yeah, it is kinda
hard to believe.

Dad. Pretty awesome, right?

My cheek patches are finally in.
All I need now is my connector area.

I'm pretty sure those
aren't actual beard terms.

Maybe I should call Shannon and Carly and
see if they want to watch the movie with us.

Well, you know, they're probably busy,
each with their own thing,

and I kinda wanted to just keep
this a father-daughter night.

Really?

Hello?

Hi, Shannon.

Nothin'. Just about to watch a
movie with my Dad. How about you?

Yeah. I have a sleeping bag.

Sure.

What was all that about?

- Shannon wants to borrow my sleeping bag.
- What?!

Her family going on a last-minute camping trip,
so her Dad's gonna come by to pick it up.

You know what? How about
I take it over myself?

How ya doin'? Mike Heck.

Oh. Hi. Steve Kendrick.

You didn't have to bring that over.
I was gonna come get it.

Ah, it's okay. I was in the area.
Thought I'd save you a trip.

I appreciate that.

And I'm happy to do it.

Listen, Steve, I wanted to
kinda talk to you, Dad to Dad.

You might not know, but your daughter didn't
invite my daughter Sue to the sleepover,

and now she calls and
asks for the sleeping bag.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah, I know.

Wow. Thanks for bringing it over.

Oh. Hang on. I don't think
you're gettin' it.

See, they're supposedly friends, and we're
talking about a young girl's feelings here.

I know, but Shannon
wanted to keep it small.

Sure, but what's one more, right?

Well, Shannon thinks we
actually only have room for five.

Oh, then it's a
square footage thing.

I bet we could
squeeze in one more.

What's your family room- 200, 280?

Should be plenty of room for six sleeping
bags, especially if we stagger' em.

We have a big coffee table.

- I'll help you move it.
- It's iron.

I got socket wrenches in my trunk. I bet you
get it. Take that baby apart in ten seconds.

Look, Shannon is Shannon she
wants what she wants.You got it?

Actually, I don't. I don't get how you can
watch your daughter do something like this

to somebody and not feel
the need to say anything.

Well, it's not really my job to force my
daughter to do something she doesn't want to do.

Actually, that's your exact job.

That is your job and my job- to help our
kids be nice, to teach 'em how to be decent.

Yeah, Shannon's not
really gonna go for that.

Well, maybe should speak to Shannon, 'cause she's
obviously the one running things around here.

You know what, buddy?

Maybe Shannon just doesn't consider
your daughter a best friend.

Oh, and she's best
friends with Amelia?

Amelia just moved here, and I know for a fact that
she was just using her to get on wrestlerettes.

Maybe I should go in there right
now and blow that wide open.

Hey, that is not true.
They became friends through Julia.

Ah, the same Julia who didn't return any of her
texts, because she was too busy backstabbing her.

You know what? Your daughter
doesn't deserve my daughter.

Here. Take this
stupid sleeping bag.

I don't want it.

Then you shouldn't
have asked for it.

I said, I don't want it.

- Take it.
- You take it!

- You take it!
- You take it!

Dad, we need more popcorn.

Go ahead, Steve.
We both know you're gonna go.

Backseat.

Just for the car wash part.
I bet you

don't sit up here.
It's been a long day.

Tell me about it.

Hey, errands are no
fun for me, either.

You don't think I'd rather spend
my weekend reading magazines.

And doing my nails?

But stuff's gotta get done, Brick.

That's fine, but let me stay home.

You don't think I'd rather spend
my weekend I let you stay home.

You practically
burned down the house.

Who keeps a quilt in the oven?

Who uses up 500 feet of tinfoil? Yeah,
that's right. I found the giant ball.

I hate coming with you!

Well, it's no picnic for me, either.
Sometimes I just wanna- Aah!

It's flooding the car!

Give me that sheet
of dinner rolls!

Hey, Dad. Why do you still
have the sleeping bag?

They didn't want it. They don't realize
how terrific this sleeping bag is.

If they can't appreciate this
sleeping bag... To hell with 'em.

It's really not that great.

I think mom found
it at the church.

Wow, what an awesome week.

And now I get to watch most
a movie with just my Dad.

Mike knew the truth
would come out.

Somebody would text somebody,
who'd put it on their Facebook page

that there was a party,
and she wasn't there, and he was.

Yep, there was gonna be a whole lot of
junior high pain comin' Sue's way...

Tomorrow, so Mike decided they
should just enjoy tonight.

So explain to me again why her only choices
for a date are a vampire and a wolf man.

It's not a date, Dad.
They're battling for Bella's soul.

- And see that one there, Edward
- He's in love with Bella,

but then Taylor Lautner came along-
He's the one with the abs?

Exactly. And so now she's sort of conflicted,
because she had to choose between Taylor Lautner

and his gorgeous abs and
Robert Pattinson and that hair.

Oh, you should've seen your face
when the water came in the windows.

What about you?
You were sneezing suds.

Ohh, Brick.
I'm sorry for what I said.

Sometimes moms scream
things they don't mean.

I'm sorry, too.

It's just hard, you know.
You're my youngest, my last one.

I guess maybe the reason I'm not ready for
you to stay alone, besides the fire thing...

Is because...I'm gonna
miss hanging out with you.

Me, too. But we'll still see
each other around the house.

Hey. I'll tell ya what.

When you can tie your shoe,
I'll let ya stay home alone.

Deal. We'll revisit
this in ten minutes.

It was more like ten months,
but who's counting?

Got it.

Dude, where's your beard?
You're falling way behind.

Very funny guys. Hilarious!

Oh, relax. We're just kiddin'.

Okay, new plan. I'm telling the team
my mom forbid me to grow a beard,

- and I need to know if you'll back me up.
- Oh, of course I will.

I'll just be needing a little
something from you in return.

Royal blue or sky blue?

Oh, I saw a sweater in a store
window in this color that I really like.

We'll stop on the way home!