The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Bridge - full transcript

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www. addic7ed. com

When you have kids,
getting anywhere in the car

can be a challenge. A million
things can slow you down.

Somebody might forget
their shoes.

Somebody might have to go to the bathroom...
You do know Brick is the car, right?

Or somebody might have
an irrational fear

of going
over the shady lake bridge.

Damn it. The half-price
all-you-can-eat tater bar

is only open for another
15 minutes. Go, go!

We can make it.
We can make it.

60 bucks for speeding.



That is officially
the most expensive bargain meal

I ever had. But did you see how many
pumps of cheese I put on my potato?

I think we broke even. This is nuts.
Everybody else just drives over the bridge

to the mall. We gotta go
ten minutes out of our way.

I mean, I know our time isn't
worth anything, but still.

He's afraid. What are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna stop letting
our 9-year-old hold us hostage.

Next time we're out there,
we drive over the bridge.

End of story. He'll be fine. Or
he'll be scarred for life.

50/50 shot. I like those odds. Guess
what? The pool is opening a week early-

This Saturday-
And Carly and I are gonna go!

Oh, Saturday? We're celebrating
aunt Edie's birthday Saturday.

What?! No!

Since she had turned 14,



certain changes
in brain chemistry

had caused Sue to occasionally
place extreme importance on-

Let's face it - The stupidest
things. You just don't get it!

Yeah... we only got 60 days
to mail this thing.

I'd better walk it down
to the post office myself.

I have to be there
on opening day.

This is the most important thing
in the world to me-

More important
than saving the whales,

more important
than cross-country!

If I could go back in time
and unsee

the Justin Bieber movie
to get this, I would!

That's how important it is
to me!

If I don't get to go, I'll die!

Well, we don't want you to die,

so I'll just have to reschedule
aunt Edie's birthday...

Not that she'll know the
difference. Whew. Thank God.

That's for me!
It's Carly! Aah!

Hey, where are you going? Jack Webber
ran over his foot with a lawn mower!

There's a lifeguard position
open at the pool!

Since when do you want
to be a lifeguard?

Hot chicks, bikinis,
high angle. Do the math.

All right, guys.

Only the cream of the crop
becomes a lifeguard at my pool.

It's a job for winners. Hey,
Axl. Hear about Jack Webber?

No more flip-flops
for him, huh?

Yeah. Bob, don't you already
have, like, three jobs?

Well, raising carrier pigeons
is an expensive hobby.

So how's it lookin'?
Think we got a shot?

Uh...

Safe to say
Axl was feeling pretty good

about his competition, until...

Oh, hey. Check out the ax man,
wantin' to guard the lifes.

Sean.
What are you doing here?

Same as you, bro.

And then Axl heard

the worst thing a Donahue could
say to a heck. May the best man win.

Mike was right.

Brick was holding us hostage,
and who knows?

Maybe if we didn't make
a big deal out of it,

our car could just sail
over that bridge

with no problem at all.

Ah, that wasn't our car.

Aah! Bridge!

Wow. That cop came out of nowhere. Illegal u-turn.
You know, if we gave you an allowance...

This would be coming out of it.

You're gonna have to go over
that bridge sometime, Brick.

This is gettin' silly. It's not silly,
and I'm not going over the bridge.

Well, maybe you won't be
having dinner tonight.

How silly is that?
Mike.

You're right. Too silly. Go to your room instead.
Fine. I like my room. I feel safe there.

Yeah? Well, maybe I'll build
a bridge in front of it,

and you'll never feel safe again! Mike!

Sorry. I'm-I'm fed up
with this crap.

I spent 120 bucks this week on the
way to the mall. Mike, he's afraid.

You can't get him to get over
his fear by yelling at him.

We have to be nurturing
and patient and caring.

Okay. Okay. You got till
next week, or I'm taking over.

Hey! Can you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to study

for my lifeguard test.
I got first aid, c. P.R.

I'm practically gonna be a doctor after
this. Oh. A lot of guys going out for it?

No. Some... and Sean.

You didn't quit your job
at the theater, did you?

Oh, what, you don't think I can
beat Sean? Nope. I really don't.

No, it's not that we don't
think you can do it.

It's just that Sean...
Is a Donahue.

Which is why I've been
at this for 30 whole minutes.

Mom, may I please see you
in my room, please?

It's a matter of life or death.

Look at this.

Okay.

I need a new bathing suit. Ugh!
Mom, you just don't get it.

Well, no, I don't get it.
It looks like you have

a bunch of perfectly good suits
right here.

Mom, this is not for running
through the sprinkler

in the backyard.
This is for the public pool!

Do these look like
public pool suits to you?

Honey, don't you think you're
overreacting just a little bit?

What?!
I am not overreacting!

This is huge! So huge!

Sue, calm down.
What is the real isSue here?

Everybody's gonna have a two-piece.
Okay, so we'll get you a two-piece.

Ugh! Mom, you just don't
get it! Sue, I said yes.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, could you give me
some privacy then?

So maybe I didn't get Sue,
but I did get Brick.

I pushed him out of my body.

I could push him over
that bridge. All right.

Let's not even think about
crossing the bridge right now.

Let's just get to know
the bridge, and don't worry.

We'll go at your pace.
You take all the time you need.

It's been two hours!

You are going to cross
this bridge right now!

Right now!

All the cool kids are doing it.

Come on, Brick.

Don't you wanna be cool?

You know, your dad may not think
you can handle this, but I do.

You're a big boy.
You're practically an adult.

What are you, a baby?

A wittle, wittle baby?

I'm sorry.
I'm a horrible mother!

I don't get it, Brick.
What are you so afraid of?

What do you think is
gonna happen?

We drive onto the bridge,

and suddenly there's
a terrible cracking sound.

The bridge collapses,

and the car is thrown
into the lake.

It fills with water and sinks
like a big metal coffin.

We struggle to get out,

but underwater
no one can hear our screams.

We all shake with convulsions
as the life leaves our bodies.

Our bloated corpses
go undiscovered for months,

but when they're finally
dragged out of the lake,

they're unrecognizable,

because fish have eaten out
our eyeballs.

Eyeballs.

I'm tellin' ya,
he paints a vivid picture.

I'm not even sure I want to go
over that bridge anymore. Hmm.

What? What was that? No, it's okay.
I'm not surprised you couldn't get the job done.

It's what I expected.
What?

You're not a closer.
You don't have the stuff.

Admit it.
You shy away from conflict.

What are you talking about?
I live in conflict.

I'm the mayor of conflict!

No, you're not.

Face it. You back down
when things get tough.

I do not back-
Well, okay, maybe I do.

Guys, seriously,
I'm trying to study.

This is, like, my entire career.
It starts with lifeguard.

Then I graduate
to beach lifeguard,

then Hawaiian tropic judge,
then rapper,

so if you want a shout-out
at the Grammys, keep it down!

So you really think you could do
a better job with Brick

than I did? Well, you set the bar
pretty high with total failure,

but now it's time
for some results.

Thank you so much for this!

This is, like, the best day
of my life.

Well, I hope not. All right.
Now go and try those on. Okay.

I hate all of these suits
you picked out, mom!

Why did you even come?! You think this
is fun for me?! This is not fun for me!

Just pick out a damn suit!

Ugh!

How's it going in there, honey?

Here, let me see.

Don't come in!

Everything
makes me look horrible!

How long have I looked
this way? Oh, my God.

This one's even worse!
Did you pick this out?!

20 suits
and an hour and a half later,

she was even more out
of her mind.

Ugh! These all make my knees
look knobby!

These are your knees, mom!

Did you have to give me
such stupid knees?!

I knew not to take it
personally.

All I could do was support her
and tell her she's beautiful,

but since by that point, I was
also out of my mind, I said...

Do you think
this is fun for me?

This is not fun for me!

Just pick out a damn suit!

Oh. Don't judge.

I'm you in ten minutes.

Ugh! This one is ugly, too!

Why didn't you ever tell me
I look awful in pink?!

Sue, you look beautiful
in pink! Just let me see.

No! Stay out!

How am I supposed to help you
if you won't even let me see?

What are you talking about?!
That suit's adorable on you!

You're just saying that
because you're my mom! Ohh.

You just don't get it!

Okay, stop right there.
I don't get it?

Um, I may not get a lot
of things, but I get this.

Women all over the world
get this.

Sorry to break it to you,
but trying on swimsuits

is a depressing,
soul-killing rite of passage

for all women.

There are even entire
comic strips devoted to it.

What do you think Cathy has been
packing about all these years?

I don't even put on a swimsuit

without at least
two margaritas in me,

so you just be happy that
you're a cute 14-year-old

looking for her first bikini,

instead of a woman
who's had three kids

throwing away a mortgage payment
on some miracle suit

made with NASA teflon material
that shaves off 10 pounds,

when all it really does is
push it all out your back,

so I get it, Sue. I get it.
You hate your body.

Well, congratulations.
Today you are a woman.

Knock, knock.
How's it going in there?

Oh.

Ohh.
That's adorable on you!

You look good in pink.

Really?

Sorry. I cramped up there.

Plus, the chlorine was
stinging my pigeon bites.

Can I go again?

Okay, Donahue and heck.

Jump in fully clothed.

Remove your jeans and use them
as a flotation device.

The first one to do this
successfully

performs a water rescue
on the other.

First!
Done!

Dude, I'm saving you.

No, dude, I'm saving you.
Come on.

Okay. Here we go. It's like
ripping off a band-aid.

You're gonna thank me later.

If you do this, I'll never be
able to trust you again.

And just like that,

Mike found himself in the spot
I was in not so long ago.

Look, I'm not gonna play games
like your mom did.

This is one
of your favorites, right?

You want it?

Go get it.

All right. I'm not gonna force
you to go across the bridge

before you're ready, okay?

Get in the car! We're going
over that bridge right now!

I don't care
if you're ready or not!

I'm sorry, buddy.

I was wrong to try to force ya.
We'll wait until you're ready.

You take as long as you want.
I'm not going anywhere.

I'm leaving!
I'm leaving right now!

You'd better get over here!

10 bucks. Easiest money
you'll ever make.

Nope.
How about ice cream?

No more ice cream for the rest
of your life! How about that?!

Man, that kid is stubborn.

So what flavor did you get?

I don't remember. Tastes like
failure. Looks like the mayor

and the clos are running
sucktown together.

I don't get it.
Why Bridges?

Where does that fear even come from? Oh.

I'm pressing the button,
but it's not bringing up

the parental controls. Okay. Well,
maybe you're pressing the wrong button.

I'm not pressing
the wrong button.

Where are you on the page here? Let's
see. Look at-you have-he- I have this...

Well, here. Right where
it's supposed to be.

Who knows? Sometimes
these things are just random.

It's not like it's our fault. So
that's it then? That's who we are now?

We're just weak parents
who let our kid win?

Or... maybe we won.

How do you figure?

Well, obviously what this proves
is that we're parents who raised

a confident
and independent young man

who thinks for himself

and trusts his own instincts.

Well, that is true.
You're right.

When you think about it,
what we did is raise a leader.

We really did. In fact, I
can't believe what a success

this whole thing has been.

He's an amazing kid. Frankly, I'm a
little disappointed in the other two.

So will you agree we're
giving up on the bridge?

Why would we go back?
We won.

Well...
It's bad news...

For every other guy in town!

Oh, congratulations!
Really?

Yeah. Ohh! Wow. You actually beat Sean?

Yeah, he stayed up studying
for our geometry final, and I

completely ignored it and just
studied the lifeguard stuff,

and I thought he was supposed
to be smart! Sucker!

Also, I might've bit him.

Wow.
Can you believe it?

Axl got the job. Sue conquered
bathing suit shopping.

Brick learned to trust
his instincts.

We are kickin'
me parenting butt!

Mm. We should write a book.

We should. Spread the word.

So the most important day
of Sue's life-

The opening
of the community pool-

Had finally arrived, and she and Carly were ready.
Are you ready? So ready. Let's do it.

I can't believe
I'm wearing a two-piece.

Me neither. You look so hot.

No, you look so hot.

An hour later
they were even hotter,

'cause they still wouldn't take off their t-shirts.
Sue, we spent a whole day shopping for that suit.

Aren't you gonna let anybody see
it? Mom, you just don't get it!

My mom doesn't get it, either.

Hey! No running! How many times
have I gotta tell you?!

You think I like yelling?!

I don't wanna have
to say it again! Ohh.

Hi, honey. How's it gog?

Oh, my God. It's horrible!
Kids are running everywhere,

and I'm responsible for 'em,
so if they fall down, I gotta

get 'em a band-aid. If they make
a mess, I gotta clean it up.

I'm constantly yelling at 'em,
but do they listen? No!

You have no idea what it's
like. Oh, I might have some idea.

Frankie!

Hey, Nancy!

Beautiful day, huh?
Yeah, it is.

You going in? Oh, I forgot my suit. You?

Forgot my suit, too.

Listen, I just want you to know,
there are no hard feelings

about Axl getting
the lifeguard job over Sean.

Sean's gonna be a page for
a state senator, so I don't know

how he was thinking he was
gonna do it all anyway.

Plus I think he was in it just for the girls.
Oh, well, Axl's in it to save lives, but...

Listen, I saw Mike and Brick
up at shady lake bridge.

Were you able to get him to go
over? No, we decided to give up.

Give up? Well, not
give up, because we won.

It's just about trusting
his instincts.

Don't want to give
too much away,

'cause there might be a book.

You know, we'll try again when he's
12. Oh, 12? So he'll be in junior high.

You know, there is that
footbridge at the entrance

to the school. Do you think
that'll be a problem?

Okay, Brick.
You can do this.

Just close your eyes,
smell that $20,

and before you know it,
we'll be across the bridge.

Okay, but you may want
to roll down your window.

It'll be a lot easier now
than when we're underwater.

Stop!

Frankie, he's gonna have
to do it sometime.

I know, but look at him.
Look how nervous he is.

There's more relaxed people
in electric chairs.

He'll be fine. My dad would've
thrown me in the car,

floored it, and never
looked back. Oh, yeah, right,

and you had the best
relationship with your dad.

The man nicknamed his belt "the
enforcer. " He never actually used it.

It was the threat of it that kept us in line.
Is that the kind of parent that you want to be?

You know, this is just
like Sue and the binky.

You ripped it out of her mouth and threw it in the trash!
And then you got her another one.

I did not buy another one!

I pulled it out of the trash and gave
it back to her! Whatever. The point is,

she sucked on it till she was 6, and now she's in braces.
Oh, okay, so now it's all my fault.

I'm sorry that I'm a mother that
likes to comfort her children!

Uh, I think the word you're looking
for is "coddle. " Okay, you know what?

Why don't we-wait.
Mike, we crossed the bridge!

We did?
We did it!

Brick, you made it!

Sorry! Couldn't do it!

Well, what do you think?
Should we have kids?

Probably not.

I don't think
we'd be very good at it.

So Brick didn't conquer
his fear that day, but Sue did.

She conquered the greatest fear
known to woman-

Being seen in public
in a two-piece.

Oh, that's such a cute suit.
Pink looks good on you.

Axl conquered his fear of going
up against a Donahue...

Hey, man. Congrats.
The best man won.

Thanks, dude.

Yeah. We're gonna bail.
Too many little kids here.

We're going to the lake.

Excuse me, lifeguard.

My little brother had an
accident in the pool. Is he hurt?

It's not that kind of accident.

And six months later,
for no particular reason,

Brick decided he was ready
to cross the bridge.

All right!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

You did it! Whoo!

Okay, so you ready
to try it in the car?

Oh, no. I'll never cross it
in the car.

I'll just get out and walk
whenever we get to a bridge.

Not really shaving a lot of time off
the commute then, are we? It's progress.

Yep. Sometimes quitting can be
the best form of parenting.

If you want to raise a leader-

You know what? I'm not giving
this away for free.

It's all gonna be in my book.

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www. addic7ed. com