The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Prom - full transcript

(Crow caws)

Mom, dad, Arlo and I
have written a show for you.

A show? Uh, we're already kind
of watching a show here, buddy.

Mike, our child, who usually
sits by himself and reads,

would like to do a show for us
with his one friend.

Oh, a show!
Yeah. Sounds great.

Mm-hmm.

(Click)

Ladies and gentlemen, Brick
and Arlo Productions presents...

(Dramatic voice) "Alien Robot."

(Frankie) We were prepared
for the worst, but actually,



it was kind of cute.
It had a couple of jokes...

(Robotic voice)
Hello. I am an Alien Robot.

I am here to learn
about your planet.

I don't see you on my schedule.

(Both chuckle)
And even a surprise ending.

I'm actually
not a robot at all.

I'm... you.

Hey, nice job. That was actually good.
Wow... How did you guys...

Wow, Mike. You see that?
We didn't give up on Brick,

and now not only
does he have a friend,

but they're
doing plays together.

We are great parents. Oh!
I'm gonna celebrate with a beer.

Hey, I'm a great parent, too.
Grab me one, will you?

Mrs. Heck. You're looking
fashionable this afternoon.



Well, these are my cleanest
sweats. What are you guys up to?

Trying to figure out which
Ashley I asked to prom. Next.

Axl, you don't know
who you asked?

I had a system-- Go down a list
of chicks, text 'em one-by-one--

But you got me this cheap phone
with tiny buttons, so I texted

some random Ashley girl
by mistake, who said yes,

and I don't even know
who she is. Way to go, mom.

Let's see. No Ashley...

No Ash-- Oh, wait.

There's one more.

No. Weird Ashley? No way! I
can't take weird Ashley to prom!

How was she even on your cell?

She tutored me for a couple
weeks in math last year.

I got a "c," so not only
is she weird, she's dumb, too.

Ugh, I got to get out of this.

Axl, what is wrong with you?

How would you feel
if some girl did that to you?

I don't know! How would I feel
if dogs ran the planet?

You're not making sense.

Although, that would be pretty
cool. Dogs in charge? Huh?

Okay, look. You've already asked
her, and she's already said yes.

Taking her is
the right thing to do.

Do you not get it?

She's called "weird Ashley"
'cause she's really weird.

Yeah. I mean, it's in
her name and everything.

Well, I think you should give
her a chance. You never know.

Today's weird girl might be
tomorrow's Tina Fey.

Mike, have you been
listening to this?

Uh, yes. That's why I came in,
not just to get a beer.

I don't know. I think he's
still in the gray area on this.

I mean, texting a girl to prom
is truly moronic...

Thank you! But it's still two weeks away.
I think if he explains

to this girl that he messed up,
no harm, no foul.

Well, I guess. As long as
you explain what happened

to weird Ash-- To Ashley,
kindly and with respect.

Cool. Next time I hit the can,
I'll text her.

No, you won't
text her on the can.

You will tell her face-to-face
like a gentleman.

Well,
I don't have face-to-face.

This stupid cheap phone doesn't
even have a camera. (Scoffs)

This is Samantha Lynn
for Shucker news.

(Boy) And clear.

Your r's are really good. They
make the cue cards easy to read.

Oh, yeah? Wow, thanks.

I call 'em "Sue cards."
(Giggles)

What?

'Cause of my name-- Sue.

"Sue cards"
instead of "cue cards."

Ohh... (Chuckles)
Okay, I get it.

(Giggles) Okay, well, see you
tomorrow, cue card girl.

I mean, Samantha didn't have to
compliment me, but she just did.

She sounds nice.

She is. She's nice.
She's so nice.

So... where should we sit?

There's a clear pecking order
in middle school,

and nowhere is it more obvious
than in the cafeteria.

There's the "a" table...

The "b" table...

The "c" table...

And the "d" table.

So every day,

Sue and carly asked themselves
the same question,

and every day, they came up
with the same answer.

Let's just walk around.

I know it's not an actual sport,
but being on the news team

really does feel like
you're on a team.

And Samantha is nice, so nice.

Oh, my God. You know what?

You should totally make
a run for the "b" table.

Really? But I've never even
sat at the "d" or "c" table.

Yeah, but you said
she's nice, right?

So nice.

Well, there's only a few weeks
left in junior high.

Can you imagine entering
high school as "b" table people?

It would be great
to be able to sit down.

(Slurps)

Okay. Let's do it!

(Clatter)

(Conversations stop)

Maybe we'll start tomorrow.

(Sighs)

(Keys clink, door closes)

Take a seat, dad.
We have another show for you.

Wow, another one already, huh?

Mom thought we should
wait till you got home.

Aw, wasn't that
considerate of her?

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

(Dramatic voice)
"Alien Robot II."

Sadly, like so many sequels,

"Alien Robot ii" didn't quite
live up to the original.

Pirates? That doesn't even make
sense. We're on an alien planet.

We could be at the mall.

Then, about an hour later,
it finally came to a close.

Okay, you're done.

(Click)

And the next day...

Dad? I have a new show for you.
I play all the parts.

Uh... how about
you ask your mom?

I already did.

She said she suddenly had to
go out and get groceries,

and I should ask you.

It's weird.

I saw her run into the garage,
but I never saw her car leave.

I'm former secretary of state
William Henry Seward.

No, wait, um...
I'm-- I'm a polar bear--

Okay, this isn't even a show.
You're just making stuff up. No, I'm not.

You made me lose my place.
Hang on. Uh...

(Whispers) Uh...

With Brick's shows getting
lamer and lamer, I didn't know

how many more pretend grocery
trips I could get away with,

without at least coming back with some groceries.
Can someone get that?

(Telephone rings) Anyone?

(Ring)

(Sighs)

(Beep) Hello?

(Woman) Hi. Mrs. Heck?

Uh, look, if this is
about the bake sale,

I'm, um, making cookies
even as we speak.

Actually,
I'm calling about prom.

This is carolyn Wyman,
Ashley's mom?

Oh. Yeah?

She's so excited
to be asked to prom,

and I just thought
we could coordinate

in case Axl wants to match
his tux or get her a corsage.

She's already picked
a very nice dress.

Uh-- Yeah-- Purple?

Yeah, I'm sure Ashley will look
very pretty in that color.

I know, Axl is
such a lovely boy.

Uh-huh. Yes.
That sounds perfect. Sure.

Yeah. Uh-huh.
I have a camera. Yes...

Yeah, can I call you back? Great, bye.
Axl, get in here! (Beep)

Why is Ashley's mom calling me
to coordinate prom?!

You said you were gonna talk to her.
You know, it's your fault she doesn't know!

You said I couldn't text,
and doing it in person is hard.

I'm very sensitive.
Well, Mr. sensitive,

she already bought a purple
dress, so you're taking her!

I can't! Not with
the second wave about to crash.

You know, when the hot girls
break up with their prom dates

and are back on the market,
desperate to go with anyone.

And that's where I come in.
"Hello, ladies." Heh-heh. Heh-heh.

Well, "good-bye, ladies," 'cause
you already got a date. Heh-heh.

Oh, my God! You care more about
some girl you don't even know

having a good time at prom
than your own son!

Are you my own son? Because
I didn't know my son was a jerk!

Well, that's where you're wrong!
You can't make me take her! Oh, sure I can.

You're either taking Ashley
to prom or you're not going.

Fine! I won't go.

Oh, you're going!

So while Axl was trying
to get out of something,

Sue had spent the week trying to get in.
Okay. This time, I do a butterfly.

I land briefly,
say something clever, flit away.

Oh, hey. Tater tots.

What's the deal with them,
right? (Laughs)

Okay.
Now I do the blend-in.

But don't stay more than
20 seconds. It's too risky.

(Boy) Right. It's just not fair, because
I do the news team, I do tennis...

Definitely. I do all this stuff,
and I don't really have time...

No. To do everything.
So what's everybody doing this summer?

Ahh...

You stayed too long.

I didn't think anybody was
gonna talk to me, so I choked.

Maybe we can save this. What'd you say?
I told her I had to poop.

It wasn't a total lie.
I kind of do.

But I always kind of do.
I think it's middle school.

Oh, he's gonna take her. How?
You can't make him take her.

Sure I can. I still got
a good foot on him,

and some heavy-duty nylon rope
in the garage.

Mark my words, he's gonna take her. That's
lovely, Mike. Every girl's dream-- To have

their prom date dumped on their
doorstep like a rodeo calf.

He'll be in a tux.

(Sighs) It's not about
him just taking her

because we make him take her.
It's about him understanding

that's the right thing to do!
I mean, I don't get it.

I'm a nice person.
You're a nice person.

How did we make
such a jerky kid?

First pancake never
turns out the best.

(Sighs) Oh, God.

This is all our fault, Mike.

We were so worried
about grades and other stuff,

that we just slacked off
on his character.

(Sighs) We are lazy, laz--

(Switch clicking)

(Singsongy) Take your seats!
It's showtime!

(Groans)

(Doorbell rings)
Hello, Sue Heck.

Reverend Timtom. You're here!
How did you know I needed you? (Door closes)

You always come at just
the right moments. Okay,

so here's my problem. There's
this girl on the news team,

who's nice, so I thought
I should try to make a run

at the "b" table,
where all the cool kids sit,

but I think I might have
blown it, so what should I do?

Okay, reverend Timtom
isn't here for you, Sue.

He's here for all of us.

Welcome, reverend.
So thrilled you could make it.

Well, me, too.
I just got back from louisville,

where they lost
another roller rink.

Left a lot of teens on wheels
with time on their hands.

Lucky we were there to put
the toe stop to temptation.

Would you like to see a show?
He's not here for you, Brick. He's here for all of us.

Smells delicious.
Little prayer before supper?

Yes. Mm. Like always.

♪ Loaves and fishes,
bread and wine ♪

♪ thank you, God,
it's suppertime ♪

(Chuckles)

♪ So let's eat, oh, let's eat ♪

♪ let's raise a glass
to the fatted calf, let's eat ♪

♪ let's-- ♪
I'm just kidding, guys. Dig in.

(Laughs)

Now can I do my show?
Not now, Brick. We're eating.

So, wow, a lot's happened since
we last saw you, reverend.

Uh, let's see.
Well, Brick's in third grade,

and Sue's on the news team...
That what I was trying to--

And who am I leaving out? Oh,
Axl. What's going on with Axl?

Oh. Well, prom's coming up.
It's a funny story about prom.

(Mike chuckles)

So he asked a girl by text,
but it was the wrong girl,

and now he doesn't
want to take her.

Well, the funny thing is,
I'm not going.

Well, the funny thing is, don't
you think a good person would go

with the girl, when it's only two days before prom?
Well, the funny thing is,

I'm old enough to make
my own decisions.

(Chuckles) And the funniest part
of all is that he's going,

no matter what,
even if I have to tie him up

and drag him onto
the dance floor myself. (Laughs)

(Laughs) This is so funny.

So what do you think about
all this, reverend Timtom?

Well, I really don't think
it's my place to say.

Oh, please, chime in. After all,
you're the only one at the table

with unquestionable
moral authority.

Well, it's tough being a teen.
You know, I mean,

have you tried looking at it
through Axl's eyes?

No. They haven't.
Not at all.

High school
is a social minefield.

I mean, we adults
may think it's silly,

but you have no idea
what's Axl's facing

until you've walked a semester

down those halls
in his high-tops.

But-- Ha! And this is coming from God.
In your face, mom!

The thing is, there may only be
one judgment day in heaven,

but in high school,
every day is judgment day.

This lasagna sure is tasty. May I have a sec-- You
know, there's got to be something in the Bible

about doing the right thing
even when you don't want to.

I would say that's pretty much
the whole point of the Bible,

wouldn't you?
Well, the Bible

can be interpreted
in many different ways.

Ouch! Stop, drop, and roll, mom.
God just burned you again!

Well, you know, Axl,
your folks have a point, too--

Now if we could all retire
to the living room for my show--

Brick, no show. Reverend Timtom,
you were saying.

He was saying how
it's a social minefield

just like the lunchroom.
No. No.

You were saying something about,
uh, how the folks are right.

In a few short moments,

Brickstone Pictures will proudly
present-- Brick. I said enough.

But the reverend
hasn't seen it yet.

He didn't come here to see one
of your endless, boring shows.

He came to fix Axl.
He's here to what?

Well, "fix" was the word
your mother used.

Oh, my God.
Sorry I'm so broken,

you had to have Sue's
guitar dude over to fix me.

Axl! Mike.

Endless and boring?
(Door closes)

Well, I guess
the reviews are in.

(Sighs)

(Knock on door)
Hey. Nice crib.

Look, if you're here
to talk me into

taking weird Ashley to prom,
don't bother.

Nah. Just getting ready
to take off, but I heard you had

a strat, and I was hoping I could take a look at it.
Uh, it's probably not real.

Picked it up at a garage sale
to take for 12 bucks.

Well, it's not what you pay.
It's how you play.

You like blues?

(Plays blues riff)

Hair metal's more my thing.
Thanks anyway.

Oh, cool.
You mean something like...

(Plays rock riff)

Actually, little more like...

(Playing hard rock riff)

(Playing same riff)

Aw...

Brick?

Yeah?

(Sighs)

I know you're expecting me
to apologize,

but I'm not.

I think you need
to hear it straight.

Your plays just
haven't been good.

Gee, thanks for following me
in here to hit that home.

No, you know what?
The first show you did was good,

but that's 'cause you worked on
it. After that, you gotta admit,

you were just making stuff up
and holding everybody hostage,

and that's when it got
boring and endless.

So I think
you just have to learn

that you can't do that
to people. You understand?

Sure, dad, I understand.

Good.

Just as I'm sure
you understand how

there are a lot of things you do
that I find boring and endless.

Like taking me
to the hardware store.

I thought you liked
our hardware store trips.

It's a slow death.

Or hearing
for the millionth time

about your new Gore-tex gloves

and how they
"wick away the water."

I get it.
They keep your hands dry.

It's a new technology.

But I never said anything,
'cause I didn't want

to hurt your feelings.
You make allowances for family,

dad, 'cause it's
the right thing to do.

(Groans) How's Brick?

Smart kid. Too smart.

(Door closes) So did you
get through to him?

'Cause, you know,
the Clay's drying.

We're sort of in a hurry.

Hmm. Well, I guess we'll
just have to wait and see.

Wait and see? Okay, look,

I took a quilt out of the oven
and heated you a lasagna.

No offense, but I expected
some real results here.

I know you're frustrated,
Frankie,

and you know why that is?

Because it's hard being a parent.
(Playing slow riff)

It's tough being mom and dad.

♪ It's hard being a parent ♪

♪ you wonder why kids
do the things they do ♪

♪ well, I said it before,
and I'll say it once more ♪

♪ remember,
Jesus was a teenager, too ♪

♪ Mary wondered
if he'd be okay ♪

♪ but he turned out to be
a super nice guy in every way ♪

He did, yeah.
It's hard being a parent.

♪ It's the toughest job
you'll ever do ♪

♪ and it's the most
rewarding, too ♪

Remember how they used
to spit up on you?

But don't worry.
This'll pass, too.

Yeah...

(Strums chord)

It's hard being a parent.

(Strums chords)

Oh. Reverend Timtom.
Are you leaving?

Did you think I'd leave without
talking to you, Sue Heck?

Listen. Don't go thinking
any table's too good

for you and your friend.
Remember,

the most famous "a" table of all
was the last supper,

and everyone was welcome.

But Jesus isn't
in my lunchroom.

Or is he?

Are you sure you're ready?

Beyond ready.

(Chair scrapes)

Hi, Samantha. Hey guys.
Great news today.

Are you kidding? Samantha
totally messed up at the end.

You did not!

I totally did. Instead of sang
"science report,"

I said "science resort."

(All laugh)

(Boy) Well, my parents
make me have a 4.0, but...

Hey, guys, look. Now that all
those cheerleaders got strep,

there's a bunch of empty seats
at the "a" table.

This could be our chance.
I mean, do we go for it?

Can you imagine
entering high school

as members of the "a" table?
Let's do it.

So... is this
still the "b" table?

I'm not sure.

Probably not.

Want to walk around?

(Door closes)
Axl. What you got there?

Uh, I'm not gonna take weird
Ashley to prom in my underwear.

Think!

It happened just like that.
Axl did the right thing.

Maybe it was something I said,
or reverend Timtom sang,

or Mike threatened,

but something must have
gotten through to him.

It's one night, man. Be cool.

(Door opens and closes)

The point is, he wasn't a jerk.
He was going to prom.

(Frankie)
Okay, both of you smile now.

(Beep) Ohh...

Oh, yeah.
That's a keeper.

Ashley, your dress
is so interesting.

It's more of a wizard's robe.
I'm really into wizards.

Oh, right.
Like "Harry Potter."

Who?

And the cape is a nice touch.

Yeah. (Clears throat)

So we should probably get going,
so we're not late.

But we won't go in till the big
hand is on an odd number, right?

You know what they say.

Okay. Well, uh, drive safe.
Okay, you guys have a great time tonight.

Have a lot of fun. Be good.
Have a nice time. Stay safe.

Ohh. Ohh.
Okay, she is so weird.

Axl is in for one long night.
Yeah, but at least he did the right thing.

Oh, he really did the right thing.
Yeah.

Yep, the Clay wasn't dry yet.

We could still stuff in a few good lessons.
Want to see a show, dad?

And maybe they could stuff in
a few good lessons for us, too.

You know, Brick...
That sounds great.

Actually, I have to get
to the grocery store,

'cause we're running low on--
Sit down.

Brick Pictures presents...

(Dramatic voice)
"Alien Robot-- The Prequel."

(Normal voice)
This performance brought to you

by... Gore-tex gloves.

They wick away moisture
with their space-age technology.

(Robotic voice)
I am an Alien Robot.

I am here to make your planet...

(Reverend Timtom)
♪ it's hard being a parent ♪

♪ it's the toughest job
you'll ever do ♪

♪ and it's
the most rewarding, too ♪