The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Middle - full transcript
Obsessed with the upcoming Royal Wedding, Frankie shocks her family when she treats the event like the Super Bowl and begins purchasing commemorative chotchkies - as well as an expensive HDTV - to enjoy the festivities. Meanwhile, Brick tries to teach Sue how to become an on-air reporter when she decides to try out as an anchor for the school's Shucker News Team, and Mike has a mutiny on his hands at the quarry when he's forced to make cutbacks and takes away the one thing his workers care about - free pretzels.
Ah, morning--
Every 24 hours, the illusion of
a brand-new start.
And this one started off
normal enough.
Good morning, mom.
Morning.
You sleep okay?
Actually, I did.
Glad to hear it.
I'm having cereal.
Can I get you anything?
Hang on.
A 5-line volley from Brick
without reading, random change
of subject, or whispering?
Just what I thought.
You're burning up.
See, fever kind of
mellows out Brick's quirks.
The more normal he acts,
the sicker he is.
And that's what kicked off
the Heck plague of 2011.
Axl, keep your tongue dow--
Uh-oh.I'm gonna throw up.
No, no, no!
I just vacuumed.
Here, in my hands.
But this year was different
than the plague of 2010.
'Cause no matter
how much snot I had to wipe,
or barf I had to catch, there
was a bright, shining light
at the end of
this mucousy tunnel...
The royal wedding.
I can't believe
it's this Friday already.
I still have so much to do--
Watch the 2-hour special
on Kate Middleton's hairdresser,
the ** royal retrospective,
really? You're still
on that thing?
"Thing"? Uh, is the super bowl
just a thing?
A thing people care about.
This is the super bowl
times a million, plus crowns,
so nobody relapse,
not this week.
Frankie, I got some bad news
for you. We're not British.
Yeah, we won the civil war,
so we don't have to care.
Look, I barely cared
about our wedding.
Tell me why this
is such a big deal.
What did this girl even do?
Hello? She landed a prince!
That means she's
the fairest in the land.
She's arriving in a car
as a commoner,
but she leaves
in a carriage as a princess!
Princess of what?
Seriously, is she even
allowed to behead people?
With Sue's friend carly also
a casualty of the Heck plague,
Sue found herself
a new lunchtime companion.
And remember, Mrs. Wojo
is still looking for volunteers
for the Orson cleanup.
Already on the list.
Still waiting for a call.
Hey, fellow shuckers.
Enjoying today's announcement?
Yep. I am.
Want to be part of
the shucker news team?
I do.
Well, come to anchor tryouts
this Thursday in the av room.
I will.
We interrupt your snack
for a breaking bulletin.
Sue Heck is gonna try out
for the shucker news team.
What do you think about that?
Don't get your hopes up.
Mike! I think Sue Heck
will make a great addition
to the shucker news team.
And there you have it.
Back to me.
Can you believe it? I could be
an anchor for the school news!
Here, let me do a real headle.
"Man found frozen
in parking lot"!
Oh, wait.
I should read that sad.
"Man found frozen--"
I can't! I'm too excited!
I'm gonna go think
of sad things
and then practice
in the mirror. Aah!
Jimbo.
What?
Oh. Pretzel barrel's empty.
Toss me a new one, will ya?
Oh, we're not
getting them anymore.
What?
But I came up from the hole
for a nice, crunchy pretzel.
Sorry. We're making cutbacks.
Pretzels had to go.
Uh, hey, winnie the pooh,
there's nothing left in there.
So you see
the pacers game last night?
Whatever, Mike.
Brick. I need your help.
But I got to
go to the bathroom.
Please?
Okay, fine.
I'm trying out for the school
news, and I need your opinion.
I don't think
you should try out.
I mean on my delivery.
Just watch.
Ahem.
"In sports,
"the girls volleyball team
"is hosting a cakewalk
to raise money for uniforms--
"In other news--
The cafeteria reports--
Pizza Thursdays will be
replaced by taco Thursdays."
Well?
I think you shouldn't try out.
I'm already trying out, so stop saying that!
Well, in that case, there's
some things you could work on.
Wait. What things?
Well, you're really stiff,
so try to act more natural.
Got it.
And every time you said
the letter "n" or "m,"
they sounded the same,
so really enunciate.
Nuh. Muh.
Okay, next. I mean, next.
Couldn't hurt to
smile more, either.
Smile more, act natural...
And what was the other thing?
Enunciate.
What was the first thing?
Sue! Okay. Here's
a mnemonic device to remember.
"N" for "natural,"
"e" for "enunciate,"
"ws" for "winning smile."
That spells "news."
Nice!
This just in,
you may now go the bathroom.
So the royal wedding
was barreling down,
and while they were polishing
silver at Buckingham Palace,
I was doing a few little
preparations of my own.
God. Axl, did you get
this crap on the tv?
It looks like mashed potatoes.
Like when'd you
ever make mashed potatoes?
Knowing you,
it's probably frosting. Heh.
Hey!
Hey. That's for me.
Come on. I don't go
ripping open your stuff.
Oh, my God! A princess chick
teacup?
Okay. None of your beeswax.
Mom ordered some douchey teacup
for the royal wedding.
What? Are you kidding me?
What are we gonna do with that?
Suppose it could
hold guacamole.
This is not for eating. It's
about historical significance
that's too complicated
to explain,
so just give me back my plate.
Hey--wh--whoa, whoa, whoa. Are
you really gonna put that there?
I mean, I obviously don't care
too much about how
this house looks, but I got
to draw the line somewhere.
For your information, this is
a commemorative collectible item
of historical significance,
that could one day
pay for Axl's college.
Oh, well, pardon me, mum.
I'll put another shrimp on
the Barbie. Yes...
All right, Sue's college.
Now here's something
with historical significance,
in case we want to go back
and pinpoint the exact moment
that you lost your mind.
Okay, it's--it's a little bigger
than I expected, but come on.
It's not ostentatious. Hmm?
Yo, yo!
Flavor flav in the hizzouse!
Mike.
We need to talk.
Yeah, we do.
Will somebody tell Irv
to quit flicking his butts
into the blasting caps?
No, this is serious, Mike.
Jim told us about the pretzels.
What?
You're here about pretzels?
Let me tell you
a little story, boss man,
about a dude named Chuck.
He dropped out of
high school to live free,
but when his mom said
he couldn't live free
in her garage anymore,
Chuck went to find a job.
Chuck chose a quarry,
a quarry with pretzels,
but now there's no pretzels,
just Chuck.
He's Chuck.
Yeah, I got that. Look, they're
coming down on me to make cuts.
Could have fired somebody,
but no, I axed pretzels.
Why? 'Cause I'm a nice guy.
Who exactly would you fire?
Not me, right? I just
adopted a labradoodle.
Ooh, let's fire Irv.
He's gonna get us killed.
That's great.
I'll go to the hospital
right now and fire him.
Rocking idea, boss man.
Now we can get our pretzel on.
How about you get
your hard hat on, and you get
your back to work on,
and I'll see you guys at lunch?
Ooh, the whistle blows,
and suddenly we're pals.
Unh-unh, suit. We're going
someplace else for lunch.
Someplace with pretzels.
And freedom.
I thought you were just
taking us sneaker shopping.
You lied.
You're a big liar!
Yeah, well, I thought
you would be so grateful
for your new sneakers,
that you'd understand
if I need to make
one little stop for myself.
You don't know me at all!
Excuse me? Hi.
I'm looking for something to
clean the sticky gunk off my tv.
Uh, sure. Screen cleaners
are right over here.
Oh. And, um, also,
there's this yellow glowing blob
in the inside of the screen,
but not on channels 2 and 5
and sometimes there's
these lines that go across,
but sometimes
they go up and down,
but those go away
when I'm running the microwave,
but the microwave doesn't
work unless I'm shooting
the hair dryer at it.
You have something for that?
Yes, we do. It's called
a new tv.
Hey. I'm "on-air."
How do I look?
Wow.
It's true. The camera does add
10 pounds of dork. Heh-heh.
Look, I'm in sales, too,
so if you think you're gonna
sucker me into buying something
I don't need, guess again.
I just need something for
the yellow blob and the sideways
lines sometimes up and down,
and I'll be on my way.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I got this
a week ago, and...
I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Um, returns are
right over there, sir,
and you know our motto,
"if you ain't happy, we ain't
happy, no questions asked."
So he can just
return it like that?
Yeah. We have a 14-day
"any reason" return policy.
Wow, that is so nice of you.
Okay, wait.
So let's say I buy a tv
and I ain't happy for, you know,
whatever reason, after...
Friday--just picking
a random day--I can return it?
Yep. Just a $25
restocking fee.
Hold the phone! HDMI 1.4?
You know, you guys should
put that bigger on your tag.
I'll take it!
Great. I'll see
if we have any in stock.
Okay. Oh, wow.
Mom. What are you doing?
That tv costs $3,000!
Shh! It's just
for the royal wedding.
But that's stealing.
No. It's borrowing.
I'm paying $25 to borrow it.
So just be cool.
You know what? Be over there.
Good news. One left.
Great. Now what credit card
are we putting this on today?
Um... actually,
we were thinking about
opening one of
your store cards for our son.
He's employed
and extremely responsible.
He's pre-med. We're very proud.
It's just so big.
Kind of overpowers
the room, huh?
I love it!
All right.
Give me the remote.
Let's find Cinemax and get
this hi-def skank train going.
No, I need to watch the news.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No one watches anything.
This is only for the royal
wedding, then it goes back.
So till then,
no one watches it, touches it,
or even gets
within a 3-foot radius.
Dad? Look what Axl got with
his credit card. It's just
for the royal wedding, then
I'm returning it right after.
They have a policy. "If I
ain't happy, they ain't happy."
What if I ain't happy?
Frankie, something that nice
can't survive here.
This is where things come
to break. Look around, woman.
We can't make toast
without a screwdriver.
Oh, please.
Nothing's gonna happ--
3-foot radius!
"I'm Sue Heck, and that's
what the Heck's going on."
Good luck.
Wait. That wasn't
a "good luck" good luck.
That was a "there's something
wrong" good luck. Tell me.
Okay, you want
honest or polite?
Well, I wanted polite,
but now that you said that,
I guess I'll take honest.
You blinked too much, and about
halfway in, you slurred an "s."
And you didn't gesture enough.
Plus, you were kind of mumbly
on your nouns, but on verbs,
you were even shakier...
And that's how a little
mnemonic device like "news"
ballooned into...
"Newsbenjiverts."
My brother came up with "news,"
but I came up with "benjiverts."
Now our third and final
candidate, Sue hickey.
That's when Sue introduced
the world to "newsbenjiverts."
"B" for "blink less"...
Happy Thursday, fellow shuckers.
"E" for "enunciate"...
The flooded auditorium-uh
will be drain-uh-d
in time for
the spring muh-usical.
"N" for nodding...
And kudos
to the girls soccer team
for defeating the other team
from...
And who could forget "v"
for "very big gestures"?
I'm Sue Heck, and that's what the
Heck's go--
On. Cut to black! Cut to black!
Mr. Heck?
Phil Bickel,
quarry workers 703.
I'm here about
the pretzel situation.
I don't think so.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Either we talk or they walk.
A strike?
'Cause I got rid of pretzels
and fancy toilet paper?
Ohh, that's what's different.
Okay. I can give back the pretzels...
Uh-huh.
And, uh, get rid of
their health insurance.
No dice. They want
health insurance and pretzels.
And the TP
Yeah, give it back!
Pretzels! Pretzels!
Pretzels! Pretzels!
Sure. Let's bring
back pretzels,
and, uh, we can lose stuff
like, say... paychecks.
Says Mr. giant new tv.
That's right. I drove by
your place last night.
What? Have you been misappropriating
snack funds for personal gain?
Personal gain? I had to push
my car to work this morning!
That's it.
No pretzels. End of story.
Everyone get back to work.
Okay--all ri--okay, guys.
We lost out on the pretzels,
but we stuck it to him on
the insurance and the paychecks.
Don't forget me
come election time.
Hey, how about a group photo
for the newsletter?
Okay. I'll just get a, uh,
shot of your backs, then.
It's only six hours away.
I wonder what she's doing
right now.
Is her heart pounding?
I'll bet it's pounding,
'cause mine's about to pound
right out of my chest.
Mom, I'm sorry, but there is
no way I can watch the news
coverage of the wedding,
after all that
I've been through.
I can barely look at
a microphone without crying...
Brick.
Hey, how is it my fault?
You over-directed me.
I did "newsbenjiverts,"
and people thought I was insane.
I even got called down
to the guidance counselor.
Well, I warned you not to try out.
Oh, but--
Hey! There is no fighting
on royal wedding Eve!
Hey, where are my scones?
Mike!
What? I didn't know.
I did you a favor, anyway.
They're stale and dry.
They're supposed to be stale
and dry. They're British.
All right, never mind.
Now I'm going to bed,
so if you have to yell
at the kids, take 'em outside.
I don't want to yell
at the kids alone.
That's something
we enjoy doing together.
Well, sorry, but coverage
starts at 3:00am
by the time you're eating
your toast or waffles,
the world will have
a new princess.
Seriously, how can you
not be moved by that?
Don't
bother looking for the remote.
I'm taking it to bed with me.
The wait was finally over.
Time to see
what this bad boy could do.
Oh... no, no, no.
Turn on.
Turn on--you got to
be kidding me!
Where is the button?
Mike! Axl! Brick! Sue!
Everybody up! I need your help!
Why am I awake
you know I need a solid 16.
Axl, that is not for you!
Brick, read faster!
There it goes.
Oh! Thank God! Okay,
you can all go back to bed.
Wait! It's not turning
channels. Come back!
Come on. Come back!
What's all the screaming?
Is Justin Bieber dead?
I am missing the royal wedding.
There's something wrong
with this stupid tv.
Here. Keep hitting "2."
Anything?
No.
Brick, that's not for you!
Here. Change, damn it, change!
Whoa. Sports in hi-def
are sweet.
Ooh. Dad,
remember this game?
This is right when
they start their comeback.
Yeah, this is a good one.
Here comes the qb sneak.
Bust it through...
No!
No! You are not watching
this game! This tv is for me!
It's 3:49!
I'm missing it all!
The arrival
at westminster abbey...
The pronouncement
by the lord rector...
What?
Rector.
Oh, you think this is funny?
Is this all some sort of joke?
Come on, Frankie. Lighten up.
No!
You lighten up!
All you've done
this past week is smirk
and laugh and make fun of me,
and what have I done for you?
Wipe your snot, carry your
vomit, take you sneaker shopping
because your old ones
weren't awesome enough!
How dare mom ever want
anything for herself?
To celebrate that a girl could
start the day as a commoner
and end it as a princess.
"Oh, ha ha. It's stupid.
It doesn't matter."
Well, it matters to me!
Yeah.
And I don't have to explain it
or justify it to any of you.
That's right. There's no
historical significance.
I just think it's pretty!
Jeez, Frankie, calm down.
You're getting all bloodshot. Oh, no.
You just don't get the needs of
the common people, do you, Mike?
Pretzels aren't important.
Royal weddings aren't important.
Oh, not like football!
Do I talk smack about all this
colts stuff that you get?
No. But I buy
one little plate,
and suddenly, I'm crazy!
I'm obsessed--
God. Who knew she cared so much
about the royal wedding?
She should have said something.
Frankie.
What?
We fixed the tv.
Just in time for
the parade of beefeaters.
Beefeaters.
Really?
Ohh! Nasty!
Wait. I can't see.
Why can't I see?
Frankie, you're a little crusty there.
Looks like you might have
gotten pinkeye or something.
What?
How could I get pinkeye?
Oh! 3-d! Ha ha!
I'm blind!
Why is this happening to me?
All I wanted
was to have tea and scones,
and watch the royal wedding,
and now I can't open my eyes,
and--ahh, my tears
can't even get out.
Now she's going into
the church, and a woman--
Scratch that, a man in a wig--
is holding her... cape.
Oh, her bridal train.
What color's the dress?
White or ivory?
The entire royal family
has gathered.
Ivory.
Ohh... and what about
her sleeves? Are they poufy?
I guess maybe
you could call 'em poufy.
And there's some kind of
glittery deal going on.
Hey, mom, you really
can't see anything?
Not a thing.
Here. I felt bad, so I glued
your plate back together.
Can't even feel the cracks.
Yeah, you can be cynical
all you want, but truth is,
fairy tales happen every day.
Princes really do exist...
So now she's waving
to the crowd.
They both look pretty happy.
When something
wonderful happens,
cheers ring out
across the land...
Yeah!
Wishes do come true...
Is this your handwriting?
It's really good.
And there really is such
a thing as happily ever after.
So now they're coming out
on the balcony...
And--oh, they're kissing.
Ohh. Is it a soft kiss or a deep
kiss? Describe it to me.
Aw, Frankie...
Every 24 hours, the illusion of
a brand-new start.
And this one started off
normal enough.
Good morning, mom.
Morning.
You sleep okay?
Actually, I did.
Glad to hear it.
I'm having cereal.
Can I get you anything?
Hang on.
A 5-line volley from Brick
without reading, random change
of subject, or whispering?
Just what I thought.
You're burning up.
See, fever kind of
mellows out Brick's quirks.
The more normal he acts,
the sicker he is.
And that's what kicked off
the Heck plague of 2011.
Axl, keep your tongue dow--
Uh-oh.I'm gonna throw up.
No, no, no!
I just vacuumed.
Here, in my hands.
But this year was different
than the plague of 2010.
'Cause no matter
how much snot I had to wipe,
or barf I had to catch, there
was a bright, shining light
at the end of
this mucousy tunnel...
The royal wedding.
I can't believe
it's this Friday already.
I still have so much to do--
Watch the 2-hour special
on Kate Middleton's hairdresser,
the ** royal retrospective,
really? You're still
on that thing?
"Thing"? Uh, is the super bowl
just a thing?
A thing people care about.
This is the super bowl
times a million, plus crowns,
so nobody relapse,
not this week.
Frankie, I got some bad news
for you. We're not British.
Yeah, we won the civil war,
so we don't have to care.
Look, I barely cared
about our wedding.
Tell me why this
is such a big deal.
What did this girl even do?
Hello? She landed a prince!
That means she's
the fairest in the land.
She's arriving in a car
as a commoner,
but she leaves
in a carriage as a princess!
Princess of what?
Seriously, is she even
allowed to behead people?
With Sue's friend carly also
a casualty of the Heck plague,
Sue found herself
a new lunchtime companion.
And remember, Mrs. Wojo
is still looking for volunteers
for the Orson cleanup.
Already on the list.
Still waiting for a call.
Hey, fellow shuckers.
Enjoying today's announcement?
Yep. I am.
Want to be part of
the shucker news team?
I do.
Well, come to anchor tryouts
this Thursday in the av room.
I will.
We interrupt your snack
for a breaking bulletin.
Sue Heck is gonna try out
for the shucker news team.
What do you think about that?
Don't get your hopes up.
Mike! I think Sue Heck
will make a great addition
to the shucker news team.
And there you have it.
Back to me.
Can you believe it? I could be
an anchor for the school news!
Here, let me do a real headle.
"Man found frozen
in parking lot"!
Oh, wait.
I should read that sad.
"Man found frozen--"
I can't! I'm too excited!
I'm gonna go think
of sad things
and then practice
in the mirror. Aah!
Jimbo.
What?
Oh. Pretzel barrel's empty.
Toss me a new one, will ya?
Oh, we're not
getting them anymore.
What?
But I came up from the hole
for a nice, crunchy pretzel.
Sorry. We're making cutbacks.
Pretzels had to go.
Uh, hey, winnie the pooh,
there's nothing left in there.
So you see
the pacers game last night?
Whatever, Mike.
Brick. I need your help.
But I got to
go to the bathroom.
Please?
Okay, fine.
I'm trying out for the school
news, and I need your opinion.
I don't think
you should try out.
I mean on my delivery.
Just watch.
Ahem.
"In sports,
"the girls volleyball team
"is hosting a cakewalk
to raise money for uniforms--
"In other news--
The cafeteria reports--
Pizza Thursdays will be
replaced by taco Thursdays."
Well?
I think you shouldn't try out.
I'm already trying out, so stop saying that!
Well, in that case, there's
some things you could work on.
Wait. What things?
Well, you're really stiff,
so try to act more natural.
Got it.
And every time you said
the letter "n" or "m,"
they sounded the same,
so really enunciate.
Nuh. Muh.
Okay, next. I mean, next.
Couldn't hurt to
smile more, either.
Smile more, act natural...
And what was the other thing?
Enunciate.
What was the first thing?
Sue! Okay. Here's
a mnemonic device to remember.
"N" for "natural,"
"e" for "enunciate,"
"ws" for "winning smile."
That spells "news."
Nice!
This just in,
you may now go the bathroom.
So the royal wedding
was barreling down,
and while they were polishing
silver at Buckingham Palace,
I was doing a few little
preparations of my own.
God. Axl, did you get
this crap on the tv?
It looks like mashed potatoes.
Like when'd you
ever make mashed potatoes?
Knowing you,
it's probably frosting. Heh.
Hey!
Hey. That's for me.
Come on. I don't go
ripping open your stuff.
Oh, my God! A princess chick
teacup?
Okay. None of your beeswax.
Mom ordered some douchey teacup
for the royal wedding.
What? Are you kidding me?
What are we gonna do with that?
Suppose it could
hold guacamole.
This is not for eating. It's
about historical significance
that's too complicated
to explain,
so just give me back my plate.
Hey--wh--whoa, whoa, whoa. Are
you really gonna put that there?
I mean, I obviously don't care
too much about how
this house looks, but I got
to draw the line somewhere.
For your information, this is
a commemorative collectible item
of historical significance,
that could one day
pay for Axl's college.
Oh, well, pardon me, mum.
I'll put another shrimp on
the Barbie. Yes...
All right, Sue's college.
Now here's something
with historical significance,
in case we want to go back
and pinpoint the exact moment
that you lost your mind.
Okay, it's--it's a little bigger
than I expected, but come on.
It's not ostentatious. Hmm?
Yo, yo!
Flavor flav in the hizzouse!
Mike.
We need to talk.
Yeah, we do.
Will somebody tell Irv
to quit flicking his butts
into the blasting caps?
No, this is serious, Mike.
Jim told us about the pretzels.
What?
You're here about pretzels?
Let me tell you
a little story, boss man,
about a dude named Chuck.
He dropped out of
high school to live free,
but when his mom said
he couldn't live free
in her garage anymore,
Chuck went to find a job.
Chuck chose a quarry,
a quarry with pretzels,
but now there's no pretzels,
just Chuck.
He's Chuck.
Yeah, I got that. Look, they're
coming down on me to make cuts.
Could have fired somebody,
but no, I axed pretzels.
Why? 'Cause I'm a nice guy.
Who exactly would you fire?
Not me, right? I just
adopted a labradoodle.
Ooh, let's fire Irv.
He's gonna get us killed.
That's great.
I'll go to the hospital
right now and fire him.
Rocking idea, boss man.
Now we can get our pretzel on.
How about you get
your hard hat on, and you get
your back to work on,
and I'll see you guys at lunch?
Ooh, the whistle blows,
and suddenly we're pals.
Unh-unh, suit. We're going
someplace else for lunch.
Someplace with pretzels.
And freedom.
I thought you were just
taking us sneaker shopping.
You lied.
You're a big liar!
Yeah, well, I thought
you would be so grateful
for your new sneakers,
that you'd understand
if I need to make
one little stop for myself.
You don't know me at all!
Excuse me? Hi.
I'm looking for something to
clean the sticky gunk off my tv.
Uh, sure. Screen cleaners
are right over here.
Oh. And, um, also,
there's this yellow glowing blob
in the inside of the screen,
but not on channels 2 and 5
and sometimes there's
these lines that go across,
but sometimes
they go up and down,
but those go away
when I'm running the microwave,
but the microwave doesn't
work unless I'm shooting
the hair dryer at it.
You have something for that?
Yes, we do. It's called
a new tv.
Hey. I'm "on-air."
How do I look?
Wow.
It's true. The camera does add
10 pounds of dork. Heh-heh.
Look, I'm in sales, too,
so if you think you're gonna
sucker me into buying something
I don't need, guess again.
I just need something for
the yellow blob and the sideways
lines sometimes up and down,
and I'll be on my way.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I got this
a week ago, and...
I don't know.
I just don't like it.
Um, returns are
right over there, sir,
and you know our motto,
"if you ain't happy, we ain't
happy, no questions asked."
So he can just
return it like that?
Yeah. We have a 14-day
"any reason" return policy.
Wow, that is so nice of you.
Okay, wait.
So let's say I buy a tv
and I ain't happy for, you know,
whatever reason, after...
Friday--just picking
a random day--I can return it?
Yep. Just a $25
restocking fee.
Hold the phone! HDMI 1.4?
You know, you guys should
put that bigger on your tag.
I'll take it!
Great. I'll see
if we have any in stock.
Okay. Oh, wow.
Mom. What are you doing?
That tv costs $3,000!
Shh! It's just
for the royal wedding.
But that's stealing.
No. It's borrowing.
I'm paying $25 to borrow it.
So just be cool.
You know what? Be over there.
Good news. One left.
Great. Now what credit card
are we putting this on today?
Um... actually,
we were thinking about
opening one of
your store cards for our son.
He's employed
and extremely responsible.
He's pre-med. We're very proud.
It's just so big.
Kind of overpowers
the room, huh?
I love it!
All right.
Give me the remote.
Let's find Cinemax and get
this hi-def skank train going.
No, I need to watch the news.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No one watches anything.
This is only for the royal
wedding, then it goes back.
So till then,
no one watches it, touches it,
or even gets
within a 3-foot radius.
Dad? Look what Axl got with
his credit card. It's just
for the royal wedding, then
I'm returning it right after.
They have a policy. "If I
ain't happy, they ain't happy."
What if I ain't happy?
Frankie, something that nice
can't survive here.
This is where things come
to break. Look around, woman.
We can't make toast
without a screwdriver.
Oh, please.
Nothing's gonna happ--
3-foot radius!
"I'm Sue Heck, and that's
what the Heck's going on."
Good luck.
Wait. That wasn't
a "good luck" good luck.
That was a "there's something
wrong" good luck. Tell me.
Okay, you want
honest or polite?
Well, I wanted polite,
but now that you said that,
I guess I'll take honest.
You blinked too much, and about
halfway in, you slurred an "s."
And you didn't gesture enough.
Plus, you were kind of mumbly
on your nouns, but on verbs,
you were even shakier...
And that's how a little
mnemonic device like "news"
ballooned into...
"Newsbenjiverts."
My brother came up with "news,"
but I came up with "benjiverts."
Now our third and final
candidate, Sue hickey.
That's when Sue introduced
the world to "newsbenjiverts."
"B" for "blink less"...
Happy Thursday, fellow shuckers.
"E" for "enunciate"...
The flooded auditorium-uh
will be drain-uh-d
in time for
the spring muh-usical.
"N" for nodding...
And kudos
to the girls soccer team
for defeating the other team
from...
And who could forget "v"
for "very big gestures"?
I'm Sue Heck, and that's what the
Heck's go--
On. Cut to black! Cut to black!
Mr. Heck?
Phil Bickel,
quarry workers 703.
I'm here about
the pretzel situation.
I don't think so.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Either we talk or they walk.
A strike?
'Cause I got rid of pretzels
and fancy toilet paper?
Ohh, that's what's different.
Okay. I can give back the pretzels...
Uh-huh.
And, uh, get rid of
their health insurance.
No dice. They want
health insurance and pretzels.
And the TP
Yeah, give it back!
Pretzels! Pretzels!
Pretzels! Pretzels!
Sure. Let's bring
back pretzels,
and, uh, we can lose stuff
like, say... paychecks.
Says Mr. giant new tv.
That's right. I drove by
your place last night.
What? Have you been misappropriating
snack funds for personal gain?
Personal gain? I had to push
my car to work this morning!
That's it.
No pretzels. End of story.
Everyone get back to work.
Okay--all ri--okay, guys.
We lost out on the pretzels,
but we stuck it to him on
the insurance and the paychecks.
Don't forget me
come election time.
Hey, how about a group photo
for the newsletter?
Okay. I'll just get a, uh,
shot of your backs, then.
It's only six hours away.
I wonder what she's doing
right now.
Is her heart pounding?
I'll bet it's pounding,
'cause mine's about to pound
right out of my chest.
Mom, I'm sorry, but there is
no way I can watch the news
coverage of the wedding,
after all that
I've been through.
I can barely look at
a microphone without crying...
Brick.
Hey, how is it my fault?
You over-directed me.
I did "newsbenjiverts,"
and people thought I was insane.
I even got called down
to the guidance counselor.
Well, I warned you not to try out.
Oh, but--
Hey! There is no fighting
on royal wedding Eve!
Hey, where are my scones?
Mike!
What? I didn't know.
I did you a favor, anyway.
They're stale and dry.
They're supposed to be stale
and dry. They're British.
All right, never mind.
Now I'm going to bed,
so if you have to yell
at the kids, take 'em outside.
I don't want to yell
at the kids alone.
That's something
we enjoy doing together.
Well, sorry, but coverage
starts at 3:00am
by the time you're eating
your toast or waffles,
the world will have
a new princess.
Seriously, how can you
not be moved by that?
Don't
bother looking for the remote.
I'm taking it to bed with me.
The wait was finally over.
Time to see
what this bad boy could do.
Oh... no, no, no.
Turn on.
Turn on--you got to
be kidding me!
Where is the button?
Mike! Axl! Brick! Sue!
Everybody up! I need your help!
Why am I awake
you know I need a solid 16.
Axl, that is not for you!
Brick, read faster!
There it goes.
Oh! Thank God! Okay,
you can all go back to bed.
Wait! It's not turning
channels. Come back!
Come on. Come back!
What's all the screaming?
Is Justin Bieber dead?
I am missing the royal wedding.
There's something wrong
with this stupid tv.
Here. Keep hitting "2."
Anything?
No.
Brick, that's not for you!
Here. Change, damn it, change!
Whoa. Sports in hi-def
are sweet.
Ooh. Dad,
remember this game?
This is right when
they start their comeback.
Yeah, this is a good one.
Here comes the qb sneak.
Bust it through...
No!
No! You are not watching
this game! This tv is for me!
It's 3:49!
I'm missing it all!
The arrival
at westminster abbey...
The pronouncement
by the lord rector...
What?
Rector.
Oh, you think this is funny?
Is this all some sort of joke?
Come on, Frankie. Lighten up.
No!
You lighten up!
All you've done
this past week is smirk
and laugh and make fun of me,
and what have I done for you?
Wipe your snot, carry your
vomit, take you sneaker shopping
because your old ones
weren't awesome enough!
How dare mom ever want
anything for herself?
To celebrate that a girl could
start the day as a commoner
and end it as a princess.
"Oh, ha ha. It's stupid.
It doesn't matter."
Well, it matters to me!
Yeah.
And I don't have to explain it
or justify it to any of you.
That's right. There's no
historical significance.
I just think it's pretty!
Jeez, Frankie, calm down.
You're getting all bloodshot. Oh, no.
You just don't get the needs of
the common people, do you, Mike?
Pretzels aren't important.
Royal weddings aren't important.
Oh, not like football!
Do I talk smack about all this
colts stuff that you get?
No. But I buy
one little plate,
and suddenly, I'm crazy!
I'm obsessed--
God. Who knew she cared so much
about the royal wedding?
She should have said something.
Frankie.
What?
We fixed the tv.
Just in time for
the parade of beefeaters.
Beefeaters.
Really?
Ohh! Nasty!
Wait. I can't see.
Why can't I see?
Frankie, you're a little crusty there.
Looks like you might have
gotten pinkeye or something.
What?
How could I get pinkeye?
Oh! 3-d! Ha ha!
I'm blind!
Why is this happening to me?
All I wanted
was to have tea and scones,
and watch the royal wedding,
and now I can't open my eyes,
and--ahh, my tears
can't even get out.
Now she's going into
the church, and a woman--
Scratch that, a man in a wig--
is holding her... cape.
Oh, her bridal train.
What color's the dress?
White or ivory?
The entire royal family
has gathered.
Ivory.
Ohh... and what about
her sleeves? Are they poufy?
I guess maybe
you could call 'em poufy.
And there's some kind of
glittery deal going on.
Hey, mom, you really
can't see anything?
Not a thing.
Here. I felt bad, so I glued
your plate back together.
Can't even feel the cracks.
Yeah, you can be cynical
all you want, but truth is,
fairy tales happen every day.
Princes really do exist...
So now she's waving
to the crowd.
They both look pretty happy.
When something
wonderful happens,
cheers ring out
across the land...
Yeah!
Wishes do come true...
Is this your handwriting?
It's really good.
And there really is such
a thing as happily ever after.
So now they're coming out
on the balcony...
And--oh, they're kissing.
Ohh. Is it a soft kiss or a deep
kiss? Describe it to me.
Aw, Frankie...