The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - A Simple Christmas - full transcript

Ah, Christmas.

It's a regular feast
for the senses.

The smells, the sights,
the sounds...

If that's those
charity wrapping paper kids again,

they already hit us twice. They
keep changing hats and scarves,

but I recognize 'em.
It's my parents.

Guys!
Grandma and grandpa are here!

What? Now?

I thought they weren't coming
till Christmas.

Mike, don't look surprised.
I told you about this.

That was my mom.



My parents are coming
a week early for Christmas.

They'll be staying for 12 days.
That's cool with you, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

You purposely told me
during a Colts game.

All I know is that I heard "yes."

Frankie, 12 days?

Mike, I gotta let 'em in.

Yeah, and you can,
in eight days.

Christmas is about family...

Family that's outside right now
getting very suspicious.

Just relax. It's gonna be fun.
12 days?

12 days is too long, Frankie.Nobody's fun
for 12... (Both) Merry Christmas!

There's my big, gorgeous son-in-law!
Mwah! How are ya?

Are we late?



No, no. Uh, you're even earlier
than I expected.

Oh, baby!
Hey! There they are!

Hi, Suzy Q! Oh, look at you. Look at you.
Oh! You've grown. You've grown.

I brought... Fudge.

Awesome!
Thanks, grandma!

Okay, guys, just a couple.
Oh, Frankie.

It's fudge. It's Christmas.

Oh, mom gets out-mommed
by grandma.

Merry Christmas to me.

Hey! Anybody notice
I grew antlers?

I thought they'd be great
for the family skit this year.

Got some for you, too.
Dad, you're finally doing the skit with us?

Oh, don't worry, Sue.
We're gonna get him this year.

Yeah, we've got 12 whole days
to work on ya.

Oh-ho! Hey. Who's countin'?

12 days, and he's already on me
about the skit.

What kind of screwy family
has to do a skit

in the family room every Christmas?
It just feels alien to you

because your family's
not fun. We're fun.

And you're a bunch of
walking corpses who drink.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know,
look at it this way...

After tonight,
there's only 11 more days.

Oh, no.

I only have 11 days
until Christmas?

I still have to shop for
presents and find the stockings

and finish the tree.
Oh, my God!

Oh, and if you go out, I need
a present this big for Sue.

What are you looking for?
It doesn't matter.

I got Axl and Brick something
this big, and it has to take up

the same amount of floor space
so it doesn't look

like we have favorites.

Hey. How's this?

Oh, are you kidding?

We got this stupid shower radio
for Axl last Christmas,

and look.
He didn't even open it.

Good. We'll give it to him
again. He won't remember.

And this...

I spent $20 for rush delivery

so the kids could open it
Christmas morning

only to have them dump it down here
Christmas night. Ugh. You ow what?

Don't even tell me those things.
It makes me kind of mad. Me, too.

I mean, I drive myself nuts
running around

buyin' all this stuff for them,

and for what, Mike? Really, for what?
Didn't you say you were looking for stockings?

Yeah. Ahh.
Here they are, in the Easter box.

What the hell is that?

It's the orange...

The orange I put in their
stocking every year, you know?

'Cause during the depression,
the only thing that my grandma

got in her stocking
was an orange,

but she loved it
and it was enough.

And that's why my mom put it
in my stocking,

we put one in our kids',

'cause I never want them
to forget to appreciate

something as pure and simple
as an orange.

Look, you're always complaining
about how hard Christmas is?

What if we found a way to... to find
the true meaning of Christmas again?

I-I was thinking
spend less money.

But that'd work, too.

♪

Listen, dad and I want to
talk to you about something.

Mm. This can't be good.
Relax.

We're doing a little
thinking about Christmas.

It seems that we don't always
appreciate it the way we should.

Oh, no, we appreciate it.
Mm, we totally appreciate it.

Do you?

Exhibit "a."

Does anybody recognize that?
We'll give you a hint.

One of you had to have it
just last .

Well... it's lame,
so I'll go with Sue.

Ooh! Sorry. We were looking
for "Axl."

The correct answer
is "Axl."

And it's not even opened.
Wow. That is unappreciative.

Huh. That's funny
you should say that, Sue.

Or should I say...

Exhibit "b."

Oh! Thank you!
I've been looking for this.

Been in the middle
of the pool table all year,

right next to...

Exhibit "c"!

A word-a-day calendar?
Well, you know that's not mine.

Brick stopped using it
on January 2nd.

"And coincidentally,
the word is irresponsible."

This is why
your dad and I have decided

to simplify things this year.

What?

Okay.

Guys...

I just feel like we've lost
the meaning of Christmas.

Now grandma and grandpa
are here.

We have 11 more days.
Wouldn't it be great if we,

as a family, could rethink
just doing what we always do

and find a way to reclaim
Christmas... the good parts?

To truly experience the orange.

Oh, my God!

They're not
getting us presents!

What's the orange again?

Is that true? Are you weenying
out on getting us presents?

Calm down. Nobody's weenying
out of anything.

There'll be presents, just maybe not so many.
All 'cause of an orange?

What's the orange? You remember.
From our stockings.

That stupid orange from when
mom used to live on the prairie

and all she got for Christmas was an orange.
Uh, it wasn't frontier days,

it's your great-grandmother
during the depression.

- How old do you think I am? - God,
I don't know. I try not to think about you.

Aah! Axl be quiet, and please
let our pretty young mother

finish telling us
about the presents.

Well, we thought
instead of going crazy

buying piles of crap,

we could give you just
a couple special things

that would really mean
something to you.

Yeah, and if you wanna get
something for each other

or your friends,
you can earn the money.

Or make something homemade,
from the heart.

From the... heart? Where is this
coming from? It's Christmas!

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

Thinking of something special
we really want?

Traitor!
Sue!

It's kind of a nice thought.

I know one thing
I would really like

is a new diary.

Oh, my God!
How did you know?

We found it under a sweater
on Brick's train set.

It's exhibit "d."

Well, once they got used
to the idea,

the "simple Christmas" thing
really took off.

I had time to bake cookies
with my mom,

and since Sue wanted to
buy gifts for everyone,

she went out the next day and
got herself a job.

Hey!
Sorry!

Even Axl surprised us
and got into the spirit.

So, since we're doing this
lame-o simple thing,

and there's no way I'm
spending my own money on you,

I'm giving you the most awesome
gift of all... the gift of me.

Oh, but no hugging, no touching,
no contact of any kind,

and you've gotta decide within
the next three seconds

or the offer's void.

What?

I want you
to build me an igloo.

Oh, whew. I thought you
were gonna... make me read.

Yep, the simple Christmas
was bringing people together,

even more together than
some people would have hoped.

Heh! There you are!

Hey, did I ever tell you
about my neighbor, Stan?

Found a tumor behind his eyeball
big as a grapefruit.

Big as a grapefruit.

There you are!

Oh, me, too.
I love the quiet.

My favorite part
of being quiet is when

two people get together...

Hey! There you are!

What's that,
snow you're shoveling there?

You know, I knew three guys
died shoveling snow?

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

So, what do you think, huh?

I thought we were doing
a second story.

Where's the reading nook?

I was hoping it'd be next to the hearth.
A hearth? Oh, my God.

This is, like, the first thing
I've actually finished

in my entire life, and you
don't even appreciate it?

Not very orange-y of you,
is it, Brick?

I'm gonna go inside
and get something to eat.

If you built the kitchen
I asked for,

you wouldn't have to go in.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Axl, what are you doing?

You're getting the floor all wet.
Are you on me, too? 'Cause I'm not

a professional igloo builder.
I'm doing my best. Clean up your mess.

It's just a little snow.
He's a teenager.

That's what they do.

Uh, what was that?
What was what?

This. You waved me off.

Don't be ridiculous, I did not.
Aah! There! You're doing it again!

I'm his mom, and I need him
to clean up his mess.

Okay, fine.

Axl, listen to your mom
and clean up your mess.

I saw that.

What?
You winked. You just winked.

Wh... there was something
in my eye.

No, this is something
in your eye.

This is a wink.

I know what a wink is.
It means,

"don't listen to your mom.
She's crazy." (Gasps) It does not.

Oh, yes, it does. Janet and I
do it about you all the time.

Just wipe up the floor, Axl,
before you leave the kitchen.

You heard your mother.

I'm already up.
I'll just do it.

For seven days,
Mike put up with my dad.

But on the eighth day,
he hid.

There you are!

Yeah! Just checkin' out

the hot water heater.
It's been actin' funny.

Maybe I can help you out.
Hey, did I ever tell you about

the time I met the weatherman,
Storm McMartin?

I mean, he was just walking along the
street like nothing... Oh! Hey, look at...

Here it is. Yep.
That's the problem.

Better go to the hardware store,
get another one of these.

I'd ask you along, but...
Sure, I'll keep you company.

Okay, kids.
What's up, grandma?

Well, your grandpa and I were
chatting on the way down here,

and we thought that we would
give you all a little something

extra...

It's not your Christmas.

It's just... for...

A-fun.

$100! Oh, my God!

Aah!
Grandma, you're the best!

My first Benjamin!

Mom, that's an awful lot
of money.

Oh, well, we can't
take it with us, right?

Whoo-hoo!

I am done spinning arrows. I'm rich!
Wait, wait, guys. Hang on.

Sue, you're making your own
money. Doesn't that feel good?

And, Brick, you were excited
about those coupons

you were making for us.
Let's be honest.

I was never really gonna
honor 'em, anyway.

Mom...
Hmm?

Listen, you didn't know this,
but Mike and I decided

to do a more simple Christmas
this year...

You know, not about stuff
and things, but more about

family and being together. Oh.
I'm sorry. I... I-I didn't know.

Okay, kids! Your mom wants you
to give the money back.

What? Mom! No!
No, mom, I'm not giving this back!

Mom, you can't do this to us!
Come on. You heard her. No money.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't
have to give the money back.

Why don't I put it
in your bank accounts,

where it'll make a nice
half a percent?

Ugh.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ da da-da da-da,
da-da da-da ♪

Ah, it feels good to sing.
Not do the skit, tag.

Should we ask for help?

You know what we could do? We could split up.
Excuse me, there... uh... Kevin. Hey, listen,

would you help my son-in-law
out here?

Don't be afraid
to ask for help.

My friend, Cecil Maynard,

wouldn't ask for help... guess
what happened to him? Choking.

Bam! Face first, right in his soup.

Help me, Kevin. Whoa. Never seen one
break like that through normal use.

Unfortunately, we don't have
this part in stock right now,

and we're not gonna get it in
until after the holidays.

Sorry. You're looking at
some cold showers.

I love a cold shower.
You know what? Well...

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la ♪

He just keeps talking, Frankie.

You know how I feel
about talking.

And he won't give up
on that skit.

You really should the skit.
What are you doing?

Oh, Brick ate too much fudge.

The poor kid just crawled behind
the chair like a cat and barfed.

I told my mom to ease up on
the fudge. She wouldn't listen.

Aha! She's gettin' to ya!

12 days startin' to feel
a little long, Frankie?

For your information, this is
the best Christmas of my life.

Ugh!
How much fudge did he eat?

Whatcha got there?

Nothing.

Really? It looks like an igloo.
Does it?

Oh, yeah. Sort of. I-I guess.

Axl! Glossners!

Wh-what happened?

They looked at the igloo
and smiled!

Dude, you left it alone? They're
gonna try and destroy it!

Get a rope, tennis racket,
shovel, bicycle chain,

and a frying pan!
It's all in there!

Good news. Found a replacement
part in Terra Haute.

Tag's on his power walk.

If you wait till he gets back,
he can go with you.

Can't. Store's closing.
Gotta go.

Hi, dad. We're gonna kill
the glossners.

Okay! Have fun!

Ahh.

Oh, come on.

Uhh!

Come on!

Come on!

There you are!
Aah!

(Laughs) Whew.
Thought you were gonna leave without me.

So did I.

It was the night before Christmas,

and mom was in her kerchief,
and I was in my cap,

and the kids were in the igloo

trying to figure out
how to kill the glossners.

Glossners are hiding
in the bushes.

I saw them when grandma took
fudge over to the Donahues.

I used her as a human shield. I'm cold.
I told you we needed a fireplace.

You can't put a fireplace
in an igloo!

The eskimos do it all the time.

Oh, my God, Brick.
Eskimos aren't even real.

They're just in stories
like leprechauns and trolls.

Would you two stop fighting?
Look at us.

We're fighting with each other.

We're fighting
with our neighbors.

Christmas is supposed to be
a time of peace and joy,

good will toward men...
Even Glossners.

Somebody has to make
the first gesture.

I'm going out there!

What are you doing?
Don't, Sue, no!

♪ Lu lu lu lu ♪

♪ lu... ♪

After Sue crawled to safety
under the car,

I called a truce
and sent the Glossners home

and my kids to bed.

After all, it was the eve
of our first simple Christmas,

and it was perfect.

We did it.
We didn't go overboard.

Sue's getting the iPod
she wanted,

Brick's talking globe,
Axl a new amp.

You know what we filled
this house with? Hmm?

Instead of gifts,
we filled it with love.

Does that make you feel good?

Yep. One more day.

♪ Fa-la-la-la,
la-la, la-la ♪

♪ fast away the old year passes,
fa-la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

What the hell?

No. Those are Santa gifts
Santa? Over there.

I don't know what these are.

From grandma and grandpa.
Can you believe this?

Can you believe that
she would do this?

I told her that we were
doing a simple Christmas!

Okay. Well, she's not
gettin' away with this.

What happened to "be patient"
and "Christmas is about family"?

Oh, screw that.
Look at all these presents!

You know what this is?

This is a big winking
wave-off from my mom.

Yeah, well, I am the mom
in this house,

and what I say goes!
What are you doing?

Gettin' these in the garage
before the kids wake up!

Me on!
Stuff some in a bag.

Ugh.

Mom...

Why are you taking our presents?
Why?

Uh...

See, the thing is, Brick...

Frankie, what on earth
are you doing?

Presents! Sweet!

There's a kazillion
presents over there!

No, no, no! Hey! Hey...

Guys, there's more of them over here!

No...
Take it over there.

Guys, guys! Did anybody look
in their stocking

and find a refreshing treat?

Hey, stop it. Guys, stop!

Stop it!

Frankie, why don't you let 'em
open their presents?

Because I told you we were
doing a simple Christmas!

Well, I didn't think
you meant us, too.

Oh, you knew I meant you, too,
and you ignored me!

You've been winking and waving
at me all over the place

since you got here!
Well, I am sorry, Frankie,

but there is no way I was
participating in that insanity.

A simple Christmas is just
really a lame idea.

I told you not to tell her that.

Well, you don't cut back
at Christmas. It's Christmas!

Who are you people?

When I was a kid,

for my allowance, I got one cent
for every year of my life.

That means when I was 12,
I got 12 pennies, mom.

12 pennies!

Well, back then, we were
parents. Now we're grandparents.

We have to be grand.
It's in the title!

There ain't no pockets
in heaven.

Talking globe?!
Thanks, grandma and grandpa!

You got him the talking globe?!

Yes, I did, and I would do it
again! The only good thing

about getting older
is you get to be popular.

If I have to buy
those kids' love, I will.

Let's get that straight
right now.

We were trying
to learn a lesson!

We were all gonna be better people!
Yeah?

Well, I didn't drive 140 miles

to watch my grandkids
learn a lesson.

What, did you read an article
or something?

Relax! Your kids
are gonna be fine!

I just wanted them
to have a heartfelt Christmas,

you know,
to appreciate the orange.

What's the orange?

The orange in the stocking!

Depression?

Your mom got an orange?
She was really grateful?

Oh, God, that?

You get oranges year-round now.
Who cares?

I care! I care!
I care!

She always flips out
at Christmas.

I think she gets too excited.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't you look at Mike
like I'm the crazy one.

He is right in there with me.
You're driving him nuts!

He hates it how you follow him
all over the place,

tellin' him all your stories!
He hates it!

He hates it to himself,
but he hates it!

I told you
to give Mike some space.

Hey, crazy.

I'm a horrible,
horrible person.

It's Christmas,
and I yelled at my parents!

Frankie, I told you,

nobody should have their family
in their house for 12 days.

It goes against nature.

It's why animals in the wild
don't come home for Christmas.

You're right. It's too long.

I just wanted everyone to
remember this year as special,

and now
all they're gonna remember

is that I got all grinchy
and tried to steal the presents

and went off on my mom.

They're not gonna remember it for that.
Yes, they will.

No, they won't.How do you know?

'Cause they're gonna remember it
for something else.

♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
♪ seven swans a-swimmin' ♪

♪ six geese a-layin' ♪

♪ five golden rings ♪

♪ four calling birds ♪
♪ three French hens ♪

♪ two turtledoves ♪

♪ and a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

It turned out to be one
of our best Christmases yet.

Everyone remembered it
as the year

Mike finally did the skit,
and the kids finally learned

to appreciate the oranges.

And as for my parents and me?
We're fine.

'Cause we know that no matter
what gets said,

we love each other,
and after all,

Christmas is about family.
It's as simple as that.

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪