The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - Secret - full transcript

And then, he or she leaves
the money with the cashier

and then brings home
the items you requested.

Ian, it's impossible.

You can't train a dog
to go grocery shopping.

I can't even train you
to go grocery shopping.

- Because that's dog work.
- Hey, wait, wait.

Aren't you gonna offer to
help Mr. Norwood with his bags?

Dad, if I offered to help every person

carry their bags for them, they...
I could be rich.

That's a great idea.
You know why it works?

'Cause you can picture it
on the side of an arena.



- Ah, let me help you with these.
- Thanks, Mike.

Next time, I'll splurge.
I'll buy some with wheels.

Ah, sorry. Ian would've helped
you with your bags, but he...

I don't even know how
to finish that sentence. Sorry.

It's all right. Kids these days.
You know, they're in their own world.

This whole twerking, you know,
I mean, is that a hell of a thing?

Okay, is this it?

I think we're over the weight limit.

Hopefully, that's a ballpark number.

You must be going on quite a trip.

You know, I love New York.

But there's one thing
New York doesn't have:

- waterslides.
- Yeah, that's why they call it the...

- city that never slides.
- When I was a kid, I loved waterslides.



So as a treat to my younger self,

I'm gonna take a waterslide
tour of the lower Southwest.

So if anybody comes looking for me,

- you tell 'em that's where I am.
- I'll be sure to spread the word.

Hands up, Norwood!
You're under arrest.

Man, they must take that weight
limit thing pretty seriously.

1x13 - Secret

There's a lotta cops down there.

I can't believe there was a fugitive
living 10 feet from our children.

I can't believe I missed the story.
Channel 6 got the scoop on this,

and their weather map still
shows the Soviet Union.

Eh, don't beat yourself
up, Dad. So you missed

the fact that our neighbor
was an infamous mobster

who's been in hiding
for the last 20 years.

I mean, where's the story there?

This just in..."local man's
love for daughter fading fast."

Hey, if it makes you feel any better,

- Norwood had everyone fooled.
- Not me. I always knew

- there was something up with that guy.
- You knew?

The guy whose shirt is on
backwards and inside out.

- And it's my shirt.
- Yeah, well, I found it in my drawer.

Makes the guns pop.
Bingo. Bango.

Okay, what do we tell Graham?
Because he was friends with Norwood.

- There are a lot of police outside.
- That's true.

They're here to take
Mr. Norwood to a farm.

- A farm?
- That worked with his gerbil.

I thought they were taking
him to jail for being a mobster.

And they're pretty
much raising themselves

- at this point.
- Yeah, yep.

Hey, Harris.
What are you doing here?

Hey, Leigh.
This is a little awkward,

but after our thing the other night,

- I think I left my watch.
- Oh, yeah.

I can't tell you how my
guys have left stuff here.

I mean, not that many.

Just like the regular amount
for a woman my... come in.

- I'll just look for the watch.
- Oh, this is a nice place.

It looks different with my clothes on.

Well, I don't see any
watches, but it could...

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I could interest
you in some cufflinks.

No, well,

if the watch turns up,
you know where to find me.

Look, the other
night was a lot of fun.

- Huh?
- But it can't happen again.

- Can you imagine with Mike?
- Oh, yeah.

With his boss and best friend
sleeping with his sister?

He would not handle that well.

Let's just chalk this
up to a one-time thing.

Or maybe a two-time thing.

- But now, really, this has got to be it.
- Otherwise, what?

We start sneaking around
so Mike won't find out?

Running off at odd hours
of the night, you know,

coming up with elaborate cover stories.

Wearing wigs to
each other's apartments

- so we wouldn't be recognized.
- Yeah.

It sounds... awful.

Okay. So a three-time thing.

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

So according to Cha...
Channel 6,

our old neighbor stole a
lotta money over the years,

most of which is unaccounted for.

Luckily, we had
someone on the inside.

You know, Graham,

sometimes the best way to
deal with losing a friend

is to talk about everything
he's ever said to you.

A few days ago, he gave me a statue,

told me to hang on
to it for safekeeping.

Those are his exact words?
"Hold on to it for safekeeping"?

Graham, do you know how
valuable this statue could be?

- Where'd you put it?
- Um...

Maybe we'll get lucky
and it'll be on top.

- At least it's dry.
- Yeah, it...

I don't think they're gonna find it.

And you know how they say

that no one ever makes it out
of a North Korean prison alive.

I may have missed the Norwood story,
but my intuition was

still sharp enough to know
that Susan was about to rip into me.

Well, it's true.
I mean, when I finally left there,

I was clinically dead.
I mean, I saw god.

- Hi, Mike.
- Damn it!

Excuse me for a minute.
Hey, Mike, you have a second?

All right, let's hear it.
I know you've probably been

saving up Norwood jokes all morning.

- Give me your best shot.
- What are you talking about?

That could've happened to
anyone, I mean, all we have to

care about now is where
Norwood stashed that cash.

Wow. Cool.
I appreciate your professionalism.

- I'm right on it.
- Good.

If you need any help, just
ask my new assistant Al.

- Al Capone.
- I'm her assistant, see?

I'm sorry, Mike, she's
making me do this.

This is all you got?
You got Doug in a cheap, rented suit?

- This is my suit.
- I was expecting

phone calls from Tony Soprano all day,
or a horse's head on my chair.

- You're losing your touch.
- Yeah, maybe.

But then again, you know,
I'm not the investigative journalist

who had no idea that there was
a fugitive right under my nose.

At least I've been
working with the same nose

- my whole career.
- Ooh. Golly, Mike.

You always manage to get the last laugh.

And there's a stuffed
horse's head on my chair.

Harris.

- Huh?
- There you are.

Listen, I know what
you're thinking, buddy,

and let me just promise you...
I haven't lost my touch.

Mike, I guarantee you
that's not what I was thinking.

Because the thing is I thought
I could come back to work

and just pick up where I left off,
but that's unfair to me.

- Yeah, totally unfair, so...
- What it boils down to is...

- Right, right. Boil it.
- I've been out of the game

for a while, but like any
great athlete, it's gonna

take me a while to get those
muscles back in shape again.

Yeah, so get back out
there, champ! Immediately.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get an exclusive
interview with Norwood,

and I'm gonna find out
where that money is.

No need to know the process.
Just dazzle me with the results.

I will, 'cause from now on...
nothing gets by me.

That was close.

Maybe we shouldn't do this
at your office anymore.

Yeah, you're right.
Anyone can see us.

It's just an...
unnecessary... risk.

- I'll lock the door.
- Don't.

You wanna be bad?
You wanna be bad?

You wanna be bad, huh?

I've been worried Norwood may had
a bad influence on the kids.

I was making a statement to the police
when they were taking him away.

Graham accused me of flipping.

Annie, you're a great mother.

One mobster isn't gonna undo years
of loving and attentive parenting.

- What's going on?
- What do you mean?

You're acting super weird today.
You didn't second-guess my parenting.

You didn't call any of the
girls at anthropologie a bitch.

You haven't complained
about the royal baby once.

- You're seeing someone.
- No.

Yes, you are!
You're seeing someone!

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Since when?

You always talk about the guys you date!

You even told me about the
undercover CIA agent you were seeing,

- and that was technically treason.
- He wasn't a CIA agent.

He played a CIA agent...
in a confidence scheme...

that I fell for.

So why would you wanna
keep this guy a secret?

Unless...

you think maybe he's the one,
but you're afraid you'll jinx it.

That's it. Exactly.

Now, let's change the subject
before we ruin my relationship.

Hey, say no more!
I totally respect your privacy.

What's Leigh's email password?

I thought you were
gonna respect her privacy.

Well, that's just something people say.

Yeah, something people
who respect privacy say.

I know who it is.
It's the doorman.

I've definitely noticed them flirting.

Oh, Mike.
He would be so good for her.

He's courteous, responsible,
always opens the door for you.

You realize you're just
describing a doorman, right?

Besides, if he's into
anyone, he's into me.

No, I'm serious.
Whenever he has a delivery,

he always puts a little
spin on the word "package."

- Nice.
- That's what he says.

- You have enough questions for Norwood?
- I... I think so.

I had to strong-arm the D.A.
to get an hour with this guy.

I gotta make it count.
The people deserve answers.

My husband, so noble and relentless.

Then I'm gonna rub those answers
in Susan's stupid face.

- Also a little bit petty.
- It's "penis", by the way.

I'm in.

So it must get lonely down here,
opening doors for people all day.

You have anybody special at
home opening doors for you?

- I have a, uh, doorman at my place.
- No, I mean...

- I mean, are you seeing anybody?
- Ah.

Andy, it's me!
It's Mrs. Henry from 5A!

I used to call you Adam for a while.

- You can talk to me.
- Okay, yes.

There is someone, but we're
trying to keep it quiet.

- My job makes it... complicated.
- Complicated. Gotcha.

Just so you know...

I'm rooting for you and Leigh.

Leigh?

The woman in 1A that keeps
badmouthing the royal baby?

No. No.
No, my girlfriend's name is Tricia.

The mail lady?
Why does that need to be a secret?

Oh, it would be quite the scandal
in the lobby community.

It really would.

- Harris?
- Hey! Annie!

- What are you doing here?
- I'm here to see, uh... Mike.

And bring him flowers.

- Flowers?
- Yeah, that's right.

You know, I think it's sad
that a male friend can't bring

another male friend
flowers just because.

I mean, I don't mean
to direct this at you.

It's about society as a whole.
Well, anyway, what's new with you?

Give me the latest on Annie Henry.

Oh, I'm just preoccupied
with this whole Leigh thing.

Oh, Leigh, your sister-in-law, right?
Yeah, what about her?

She's dating some guy,
won't say who it is.

And apparently... he's the one.

Really? The one?

Uh, yeah, yeah, what...
what fun for her...

and whoever the guy might be.
Listen, I gotta go.

So make sure Mike puts those
in water with a crushed aspirin.

They'll last longer.

- You have to pu...
- Yeah.

- Yeah, and you go through it.
- Ease out...

Mike. Mikey!
You are a sight for sore eyes.

- I gotta tell you, prison's really rough.
- Not enough waterslides for you?

You know, they say that you should
beat up a guy the first day. Heh.

Easier said than done. A lot of
these guys, they're really strong.

Well, I'm sorry to
hear that, Mr. Norwood.

Or should I say
Joey "the Lip" Baldino?

This guy was going down.
Two men enter, one man leaves.

Of course, the other man was
handcuffed to the table, but still.

Let's dive right in.
Millions of dollars are unaccounted...

Before we get into that,
can I ask you something?

Shoot, Joey.
Uh, figure of speech.

You really didn't know who I was?

I mean, really?
How could you not know?!

You lived next door to me for ten years!

That, sir, is a bald-faced lie.

It was actually 11.

So you had no clue.

I mean, whenever we would
watch Goodfellas together,

I'd sit on the couch.
I'd be yelling...

- "No! No! No! They got it all wrong!"
- Well, I definitely noticed

you were a bad person
to watch a movie with.

But it's not like we spent
that much time together.

What are you talking about?

You used to come over to play poker.
Man, you'd clean up.

Yeah, when you move as much as
I do, everything seems like a tell.

Yeah. That's why the
guys loved you so much,

which is probably why
they never shook you down.

So these poker games involved
some of your associates?

- On occasion.
- So would you say

I successfully infiltrated
your poker game?

- Not really.
- Could you say it?

...how bad I smell?
Ugh, is there still yogurt in my hair?

- Yes, everywhere.
- Ugh.

- Hey, guys, great seeing you.
- Yeah, great for you, maybe.

We spent the last two
days in the garbage.

You know, a lot of people

throw out handfuls of
band-aids down that chute.

In the future when a
mobster gives you a statue,

- you don't throw it out.
- Well, again, great seeing you.

Why arare you being so weird?
Hey.

- Hey, what's under that pillow?
- This is my private space.

Oh.
Well, yeah, that checks out.

All right, then.
Hey, we'll just be on our...

Sneak attack!

- Aghh!
- The statue!

- Graham! Why did you lie to us?
- Because you said it was valuable,

and I'm gonna trade it to
friend Ben for a cool rock.

- No!
- Are you crazy?

Graham! There's probablyomething
really valuable inside,

like a stolen diamond or an
even more valuable owl statue!

We gotta break it open!

N...you can't break this open.
This is crime memorabilia.

We can sell this online
and get like $500.

You know what's cooler than $500?
$5 million.

Uh, yeah.
No one's arguing the other side of that.

I'm just saying if we break this open,

and there's nothing inside,
then it will be totally worthless.

- You're worthless!
- I want the rock!

Whoa! No!
Don't just stand there!

Graham!

I caught it! Did you see that?

Wait, I wanted it to break.

Oh!

Could you guys kill
each other more quietly?

I'm trying to get through
Aunt Leigh's emails.

Oh! Great.
Mom can be the tiebreaker.

Okay, so Mr. Norwood
gave Graham this owl

a few days before he was arrested.

- Ian wants to break it open.
- Yeah.

Graham wants to trade it for a rock,
and I want to sell it on ebay.

All good ideas. I'm gonna
go with none of them.

- Okay, we're taking that to the police.
- Oh, Mom. You're the worst.

- Hey. Never speak against the family.
- Thank you, Graham.

Maybe Norwood wasn't
such a bad influence.

- Forget about it.
- Okay, I think he... yeah, he was.

- Leigh.
- Damn it! You knew it was me?

I thought for sure this would
throw people off the scent.

You know, this is why you
never cheap out on a wig.

No, I was just not
expecting to see you tonight.

I don't feel so great. Do
not eat scallops in winter.

Oh. We don't have to go to dinner.

We could just stay in and
watch a show on Netflix.

I've heard good things about
Lilyhammer,

but it's two seasons so
it's kind of a commitment.

- I don't want a commitment!
- Oh. All right, this is weird.

- What's going on?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, Annie told me what you
said about me being "the one,"

and don't take this
personally, but uh-uh.

Oh, relax, buddy.
I just said that to Annie

so that she would get off my back.

Believe me, if there is "a one",
it is definitely not you.

Oh, thank god.
You know, it's just...

I'm happy with the way things are going.
You know, actually,

I can't remember the last
time I had this much fun.

To tell you the truth,

this is all I think about
when we're not together.

Yeah, me too.
I can't get you off my mind.

And I can't concentrate
at work because I'm...

Just thinking of ways
to sneak off to see you.

Yeah!

- Does that mean...
- Maybe you are the one.

- Damn it.
- Damn it.

It's all right.

Oh, hey, Mike, what are you doing,

looking at the footage
of your interview?

- Yep. It's a triumph.
- Oh, good.

- So much good stuff.
- Don't you remember?

You gave me that spare
key to your apartment?

Mike: Yeah, but that was
just to water my plants.

And when I get home, I'm counting them.

Almost too much.
Let me turn this off.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bill! Randall!

Come here!
Come here!

- This is the guy I was telling you about!
- Oh, no! No, no, no.

This is Mike Henry!
He had no clue! Honest to god.

It turns out Bill and
Randall were big fans.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's good,
Because they're our key demographic.

- I signed a few autographs.
- Uh-huh.

In crayon, 'cause it's hard
to make a shiv out of a crayon.

Yeah, I know how
to make a shiv, Mike.

You know what, Mike? I think
you've done enough on this project.

I'm gonna follow the money
trail from here on out, okay?

- We'll see about that.
- He had no idea they were

- filled with cash.
- Could somebody turn this off?

Susan wants take over
the Norwood story.

I don't know.
Maybe it's for the best.

I'm tired of dealing
with that sociopath.

And Norwood.

Mike, the interview's
gonna cut together fine.

I mean, you got a great angle.

What you don't know about
your neighbor may surprise you.

Ooh!
Am I on the wrong side of the mic?

- Because that sounded good.
- I don't know, Harris.

Maybe five years is too
long to be out of the game.

There was a time when
nothing would get by me.

Like the creases in your shirt tell
me it's the spare one from your desk,

which means you slept over
at a woman's last night.

Maybe I just sat weird.

And apparently, her
apartment is near mine.

W-w-what would make you say that?

You got a poppy seed in
your tooth, and you only like

the poppy seed bagels from
the deli in my neighborhood.

I had a craving.
And it's only 40 blocks.

Well, that explains that.
But what it doesn't explain... is this.

- Well, this isn't marshalls.
- How did you know she was in there?

I didn't even know she was in there.

I was waiting for the
right moment to surprise you.

Well, it would've
been more of a surprise

If you didn't reset
the thermostat to 75.

- Harris likes it cool.
- You know, he does run hot.

He usually has to take
a cold shower right after we...

Well, I should've known.

I can't keep a secret from Mike Henry.
You haven't lost a step.

I mean, you're like Batman
crossed with the Mentalist.

Ooh, I watched the
hell out of that show.

Well, objectively speaking,
that thermostat thing was inspired.

- I scare myself sometimes.
- You know what?

- The bat mentalist, he doesn't gloat.
- Mike, what about us? Are you mad?

What, about you two?
No, you're both...

sort of adults.

What do you have to say about that?

I guess we don't have
to sneak around anymore.

Yeah.

- We don't have to sneak around anymore.
- No more wigs...

- Huh.
- Huh.

Sorry we got your statue taken away.

But we found some cool
stuff from the tra...

- Store. From the store.
- Yeah.

All right. We're square.

Life's funny.
You wake up every day with no idea

of what you might discover.

Maybe it's love.

What do you mean, you can't
get me in to see Norwood?

Oh, it didn't pan out?
Well, maybe you're not gonna pan out.

Oh man, you've gotta stop crying.

Listen, a lot of people's
wives are pregnant.

Or sometimes, it's
the answer to a mystery.

If you're still following
the money trail, you might

check into the house Norwood's
mother bought last month.

It's a pretty big purchase for a woman
who's been dead for five years.

Wh... there's no... there's no...
How did... how did you know this?

Well, it's an old
money laundering trick.

It's something you pick up if you
play poker with your neighbors.

And sometimes these things
turn out to be a surprise.

So Harris and Leigh broke up.

And sometimes they play out
pretty much how you expected.

Did you know he was
the one she was dating?

Of course, I knew.
I gave them my blessing.

I figure if I hadn't, they would've
gotten married just to spite me.

So what are we gonna do with this guy?

Well, I told the kids we were
taking him to the police, so...

- Break it wide open?
- That's what I'm thinking.

Oops.

- Parkinson's.
- Hey! Hey! Hey! What's this?

It's a letter.

"But no matter what you find,
never stop searching."

Well, that's...
total nonsense.

"Bet on endless summer
to win the derby."

Wait a minute. This is...

Five years old.
Already checked.

Damn it!