The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 12 - Party - full transcript

I know, Andrew asked my
to hang out again this weekend.

I'm kind of, like, "yay!",
but I'm kind of, like, "what?"

Oh, gotta go.
The bear is taking the hotdogs.

- Was that code? Am I the bear?
- No. You're the hotdogs.

I don't want to be the hotdogs!
What's the bear?

- Hey, honey.
- Hey. Did you know I have a code name?

Yeah, you're the hotdog.
Everybody knows that.

Did you get all the stuff
for Graham's slumber party?

Yeah. I got everything on the list.
I had to go to three different stores,

but luckily they were
nowhere near each other.

Oh, good. You've got stickers.
You've got clay.



- You've got...um, what are these?
- That's scissors for the crafts.

Mike, I said safety scissors.
What have you done?

When Ian and Eve were kids,

I let them do whatever they
wanted during slumber parties.

but then Amy Ruben fell and cut
her chin on the coffee table.

- Blood everywhere.
- Cool!

It was like an episode of Nip/Tuck.

Also, I let them watch
an episode of Nip/Tuck.

- Do these look safe to you?
- Well, not with that look

- in your eye.
- Hey, guys.

I have a favor to ask.
Where'd he go?

You know, for a guy with Parkinson's,

he can move really
quick when he wants to.

What's the favor?



Well, you know that article I
wrote on Ikea storage solutions?

Uh, let's just say
yeah and keep on moving.

- Well, I just got paid.
- Nice!

But then I spent all the money
I made on Ikea storage solutions.

So can I borrow the car to go to Ikea?

- You don't have a driver's license.
- Fair enough.

Thanks anyway, Annie.
I'm leaving now!

- She gone? Oh.
- Gotcha!

That's what you call...

Where did he go?

1x12 - "Party"

There he is,
Mr. "Excellence in journalism."

Ah, well, only according to
the national press organization.

But they are the foremost
authority on the matter.

Hey, Mike, I saw you
putting lotion on earlier.

That's real bronze, man.
You're gonna grease it up.

- Whew.
- So what are you going to do

- to mark the occasion?
- Well, I'm treating myself

- to this french bread pizza.
- Come on, man. It's on a scrap of loose-leaf.

Aren't you even going to
get a plate?

Anyway, I think we should
get the guys together and celebrate.

It's hard getting
them together these days.

Remember my 40th? Huh?
No one came.

At least we had the
roller rink to ourselves.

Ahh.
Two guys grapevining all alone.

That was sad.
Mike, I'm serious.

I don't need to do anything big.

The center's frozen.

Well, I'll just eat through.

All right, overruled.
I'm throwing you a party.

We'll go to a great steakhouse.
We'll get a private room.

Private room? Are you
talking like a stone wine cellar

with its own thermostat
and I can just whimsically

- choose malbecs all night long?
- That's oddly specific, but, yeah, sure.

Why not?
We'll get a limo for the ride over.

Oh, oh, with floor lighting.

Yeah. And the guy up front
has to wear a little cap.

- Do you want to plan this?
- Whatever you do

is going to be fine.
Just make it good,

because I've been looking forward
to this party for minutes.

Annie Henry, back in
the slumber party game.

New York, make some noise!

My Mom's slumber parties
were epic, and I was the king.

When the other kids were picking
dare, I always picked truth.

What were they all running from?

Mom, what can we do to help?

Maybe put some books away so
the shelves are easier to climb?

No. The books
are part of the challenge.

- Graham, go get more books!
- Oh.

Okay, Ian, I cannot
be the bad mom again.

I found this thing
online about how to throw

- a safe slumber party.
- What?

Okay, this is for 6-year-olds.
Graham's 8 1/4.

Look at him, poor slob.

Doesn't even know the
storm that's coming.

Come on,Richie. You
sure you can't make it?

Mike, is it safe for me
to hire a guy from craigslist

with a windowless van
to drive me to a remote area?

- I'm on the phone.
- He underlined "windowless,"

which seems to send a weird message.

I've got the phone right...
right up...

right up to my ear.
Yeah, what was that?

Okay. Okay. Thanks anyway.
Bye.

Oh, sorry.
Were you on the phone?

Harris won this big award,
and I'm trying to throw

a party for him, but none
of the guys can make it.

Of course not.

Oh, sure, people show up
for weddings or baby showers,

but no one has time for a
single person's accomplishments.

- Oh, good. I hit a sore spot.
- I've spent, like, $30,000

on bridesmaid-related activities,

but have any of those bitches
come to even one of my readings?

No. It's always, like,
"oh, my in-laws are in town,"

or, "my kids have a playdate,"

or, "my husband was just
diagnosed with Parkinson's."

- I feel like one of those is about me.
- The point is, if it's

not a major life event,
no one's going to show up.

Well, I wish you
would have told me that

before I rented a huge
limo for Saturday night.

Huge limo?

Mike, you need
to make this happen for Harris.

For Harris.

Mom's ruining Graham's slumber party.

- We need to save it.
- Pass.

Come on. You throw
one bad slumber party,

and you're a pariah. Real talk...
Graham's kind of a weirdo.

- If we want him to be cool like I was...
- Uh, when was that again?

- Third through fifth, when it counts.
- Sorry. I have plans with Andrew.

- Ooh!

♪ Eve and Andrew, sittin' in a... ♪

Wait. Why am I razzin' you?
It's counterproductive to my goals.

- All you need to do is to distract Mom.
- I can't. I have a life.

What? The life of a big
dumb idiot. Damn it.

Why do I keep burning you so hard?

Seriously... I really
need your help... ugh!

Come on, Russell, Harris would be
so thrilled if you could be there.

I'm sorry, Mike. But you
know how it is, brother.

I got ballet recitals to
go to, play sets to build.

I got a possum in my attic
I'm supposed to humanely trap.

You ever seen possums, man?

If I'm going at a
possum, I'm going at it.

Yeah, sure, of course.

I just don't think I'm
going to be able to make it.

You send Harris my
best, though, all right?

Wait! What if I told you that we
were celebrating a major life event?

A major life event?

Like what, an engagement or something?

- Well...
- Oh, my god.

Are you telling me the big
dog is finally getting engaged?

Well, what if I... what
if I told you the big dog

- won a prestigious journalism award?
- Oh! Wow.

Okay, yeah.
Can't make that one.

Okay, no. What if I told you
you were right the first time

and the award was just a joke?

- Mike, are you serious?
- What? Give me a break. I'm desperate.

This is a game changer, buddy.

Look, I will make sure
to get all the guys there.

Great. Uh, I'll see you there,
and, oh, don't... don't tell Harris,

'cause it's a huge...
huge, huge, huge surprise.

- Are you happy with how that went?
- Foam your own corners.

- Come on, hit me.
- One left!

I'd stand still for you,
but it's medically impossible.

Thanks for the ride, Amir.
Oh, come on. That is priceless.

Ah, it's not exactly priceless.
I had to pay him 30 bucks to do that.

Hey, thanks again for
talking me into this, Mike.

You really got everyone to come out?

I just told the guys it
was a big moment for you,

although some of the specifics
may have changed a little bit.

- Congratulations, brother!
- Hey.

I can't believe you got engaged!

- Engaged?
- There he is, the man of the hour!

She's a lucky gal.

- Whose name is Pam, by the way.
- Uh-huh.

What we you thinking, Mike?
You told everyone I was engaged?

No. No, Russell assumed
you were engaged,

and I didn't know for a fact
that you wouldn't be engaged

- by tonight, so I went along.
- What?

You're missing the big point here.

What's important is the guys
are here to celebrate you.

And apparently Pam.
And why'd you go with Pam?

Do I look like somebody who
would be married to a Pam?

I'll have you know I have a
very attractive aunt named Pam.

Hey, big dog!
Come on, over here, baby!

Come on, shots on me.

All right.
Maybe I can make this work.

And then later...
I'm going to make that work.

Now, eyes forward, big fella.
You're engaged now.

Aidan, no, no, no,
no, no, no, buddy.

This stays taped down, all right?

This paper could slice
your hand wide open.

After this party,
I'm going to be so cool,

even cooler than Spencer,
and he ate a bunch of ants.

Pfft.
Sounds like a dare man to me.

Ah, well, there she goes, my ex-sister,
putting Joes before Bros.

Joes means guys.
Bros means actual brothers.

- Ian, calm down. Graham will be fine.
- Okay, guys, dvd time.

We've got
"Black beauty and black stallion."

Interesting tidbit here...
not played by the same horse.

I guess knowledge is the
best party favor, huh?

Knowledge sucks.

I don't even know why I came
to this stupid party.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

All right, I'm in.

Mom, I really need to
talk to you for a second.

What? I'm kind of
in the middle of this.

So I'm thinking about
transferring classes.

I hear miss Lupinacci gives
out automatic 100s if you bring

- in a present for her cat.
- Uh, I don't want you anywhere near her.

She sleeps face down on the
couch in the teachers' lounge.

All right, butt faces, this
party's about to get real.

You won't be needing
this kid stuff anymore.

I worked really hard on that.

- Hey, I'm Leigh.
- Sorry, ma'am. I'm not interested.

Wait, did you think I was...

Oh, you did think I was a...
that is so sweet.

No. No.
I'm Mike Henry's sister,

and, since limo rides
extend to immediate family,

I need you to take me to Ikea.

Yeah. I don't think so.

No, no. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa.

I have dated my share of limo
drivers, and it seems to me

that your luxury vehicle
license is out of date.

So, listen, don't make me report
you to the Taxi and limousine

commission, numbers of
which I have also dated.

See?
Now that wasn't so hard.

Uh, ma'am, there's 700
empty square feet back there.

Yes, of course.

The next think I know, Harris
is being chased down the street

by half the L.A. Rams' offensive line.

How was I supposed to know

that cheerleader was
dating the quarterback, huh?

Well, that's the most they
protected him all season.

Yeah!

Hey, honey. Yeah, I'm going
to be a little late tonight.

Yeah, this party's actually working out.

Great. So should I pick out
a dress for the fake wedding?

Don't be crazy.

Pam's going to realize she's
a lesbian in six months.

Wait, hold up.

We still have not seen a
picture of Pam, your fiancee.

- No, I... I-I-I-I...
- Come on. Give it up.

- Oh, gotta go.
- My camera don't work on my phone.

Harris, you can't show
a picture of your bride

before the big day.
It's bad luck.

- I don't know if that's a thing, Mike.
- Like you know all the things, Russell.

I can't believe this guy's
finally tying the knot.

I mean, I gotta be honest, Harris.

I didn't know if you'd
get your act together.

- What's wrong with my act?
- Nothing.

It's just that you...
you're the big dog.

You know, love 'em and leave 'em,
amuse 'em and lose 'em.

You know, we're just happy
that you finally grew out of it.

We were getting kind
of worried about you.

- Worried?
- Not worried, just concerned

that your life would be empty

and without purpose, and
you'd be alone forever.

- Huh. And that's all, huh?
- Let's not split hairs, fellas.

When it comes down to
it, we all die alone.

Who wants shrimp?
Garsone?

And all this time I thought
it was "all intensive purposes."

- Hmm.
- What a rube.

Well, I'm glad I could
clear that up for you.

I didn't know that you
cared so much about grammar.

Yeah, well, I just want
to do good on my SATs.

Oh, god.

I-I got to get back out there.

- Hang on.
- What?

I'd run through all the
things that usually distract Mom.

I was going to have
to start free-styling.

All I'm saying is,
Putin wouldn't be President

if he weren't a good guy.

Is there such a thing as
a super period?

If you think about it, guac really
does sound like a racial slur.

Pierced nose, eyebrow, or,
uh, this chin meat down here?

You're not piercing anything.

Now I want to circle back around
to this whole "super period" issue.

The rules are simple.

One person gets in a sleeping
bag filled with pillows,

and the others hit him harder
and harder until he can feel it.

It's called
"Can you feel it?"

Did I really want to
spend my entire night

saving Graham's slumber party?

No.
But this wasn't about me.

- I'll go first.
- I don't mind getting in there.

Oh, my leg's already in there, buddy.

Well, I just got to adjust this
thing down here together.

Whoa! Oh!

And I know it's just a song,
but it raises an important question,

- "who did let the dogs out?"
- I... okay.

I-I guess I can hear
what you're saying.

I just...
why are we talking about this?

What was that?

Hey!

- Yeah!
- Hey, I'm not up yet.

- This is pretty fun!
- Hey, seriously!

- I didn't put the blankets in yet.
- I have been in here forever.

- This is crazy!
- Wait!

I'm thinking of having sex this weekend.

- Whoa.
- That last thing was actually true.

So on behalf of all of
us, Harris Courtney Wright,

welcome to the club of marriage.

- Your life begins now.
- Here, here!

- That's right.
- Cheers!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Harris' life began a long time ago.

In fact, here's a toast
to Harris' old life.

Nothing to tie him down,
tivo full of his own shows,

fridge full of every kind
of mustard you can think of.

Bourbon Dijon.
That's one.

- All right, Mike.
- And if Pam were to fall out

of the picture, maybe due to her
open-minded attitudes about sex,

- well, I think Harris would still do fine.
- Hey! Don't scare him, Mike!

Look, friends come and go,
but your wife is the only one

- who is there for you always.
- Exactly my point.

She'll always be there. Always.

You know, I don't know
what I would do without Tia.

You know, she tells
me what I need to hear,

- not what I want to hear.
- What about the endless errands,

- the emotional clinginess?
- What are you talking about? Annie?

Mike, your wife is so chill,
she's practically a guy.

Until the doors close,
and then she's all woman.

And not in a good way, either.

- In fact, if I had it all to do over again...
- Now, Mike, just stop.

I think I've heard
enough toasts for now.

You know, Tia's the one who
got me off online shopping.

She put that mirror up, and
I didn't like what I saw.

- And I just love her so...
- Oh Ted, give it a rest.

I don't even know what to say.
Sex is a big deal.

How had I gotten myself into this?

I had a flawless plan, and
somehow she turned it on me.

It's almost as if I'm not
actually as smart as I think I am.

No, that's not it.

You know what?
Let's just forget about that.

I was just kidding.

Got you good!
You should see your face.

Seriously, what have
you guys done so far?

- We talkin' South of the equator?
- Okay!

- Top stuff?
- Uh... let's...

let's... it's getting late.

- Let's go check on that party.
- Oh, no. I'm sure they're fine.

Ian's got it under control.

Ow! No more!

Hey, I found another bat!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
That's not a wiffle!

- Not a wiffle!
- Ahhh!

What do you mean some
blonde woman took my limo?

- Well, let me talk to her.
- Hey, Harris!

- Leigh! You took my limo?
- Borrowed.

And technically I was supposed
to have another hour and a half.

- Why do you need it back so soon?
- Well, this party's a disaster.

Mike invented a fake fiancee
to get my friends to come out.

- Mike thought of that?
- It may sound like a good idea,

but all they're doing is
ragging on my single life.

Uck!
Married people are the worst.

Listen, Harris, hang in there, okay?

- And about the limo...
- You got five minutes.

Got it.

Harris, there you are.

- Hey.
- Listen, I'm sorry, man. I screwed up.

I thought the guys would
come out just for the award,

- but they...
- No, it's all right.

You were just trying
to do something nice.

On the bright side, now
I know what my friends

- really think of me.
- Nah, come on.

- That's not what they think of you.
- No, it is. Maybe they're right.

At the end of the day, I
got nobody to come home to.

You chose a path that
a lot of guys would envy.

And... and maybe one day,
you'll choose another path.

But, in the meantime, it's not
like you don't have options.

You think so?

Yeah, like the cute
waitress over there that's been

- smiling at you all night.
- Oh. Okay.

You know what?
I like those options.

- But if this works out, don't tell Pam.
- I already didn't tell her.

It seemed like a good idea,
but now that the weekend's here,

- I'm not so sure.
- I'm glad that you and I are

close enough that we can talk
about your sexuality.

- Oh, please don't say that.
- Okay, it's just...

I'm relieved that you feel
that you can come to me

when you're having
problems with a lover.

- That's worse!
- I'm sorry!

I'm sor...
it's just...

This is hard for me too.
Okay?

I mean, you're my little girl.

You know, forget about
what Andrew wants.

It's your timeline that matters.

You have to make your own decision

about this and about how
to get out of your room,

which you may
find yourself locked into.

Oh, no. It's so easy to sneak out
by just unlocking...

my imagination, which
can take me anywhere.

And I think I've made my decision.

Mom! They keep hitting me
long after I said I can feel it!

Eve, you were trying to stall me.

- That's what this is all about!
- I'm sorry!

My hair is tingling.
Tingling! That's a weird word.

It's got so many "ings."

- Yeah!
- Take that!

Hey, Mike.
Where the hell is Harris?

I could be home with my kids right now.

It's "build your own pizza" night.

- Uh...
- Is he hitting on that girl?

No, no. She's just a...
she's a fan. A news fan.

- A fan of offscreen news producers?
- She really reads those credits.

Why is she handing him her number?

Oh, that...
that... that's for me.

I'm cheating on my wife.

I have been for years.
God, it feels good to come clean.

Hey, there. Hey, there.
Call me.

You think she's too young
to know what this means?

I'm hanging up now.

Dennis Ecclestone?
Please!

Mariano Rivera's the
best closer in history.

- Unless you count me.
- Harris.

What are you doing?
You're engaged.

- Whoa! Engaged?
- No.

Yes.
No.

He... he's just hitting
on you as proxy for me,

- because I cheat on my wife.
- This is too weird.

- I'm out of here.
- Oh.

Harris, what the hell's going on?

It's not Harris' fault.
I wanted to have a party

for him, but you guys
were so busy that I said

he was getting engaged
because... because...

Otherwise, we would
have told you ourselves!

- It's me, Rhonda.
- Pam.

Rhonda Pam.
Rhonda comma Pam.

She inverts her name because she's...

Because I'm a junior
college registrar!

Hey, honey.

This night is full of surprises.
Ooh.

So are we just going to stand
around or we going

- to go see some strippers, huh?
- Let's go.

Huh? Huh?
Get in the limo, you choads!

- Come on.
- Don't you tell Tia!

- Stop bringing up Tia's name.
- The first round's on me!

First round's actually on you.

Thanks. And what are
you doing here, by the way?

- I...
- Well, this is about right.

Just some stuff from our registry.

So excited!

Sometimes, when it comes
to the people you love,

it's tempting to jump in
and try to fix their lives.

- God, kids are monsters.
- Yep.

Why did I give them soda?

You know, they just
poured it onto the pizza.

- It doesn't even make any sense.
- Ugh! Keep it down.

Mom, I'm sorry that I made up
all that stuff to distract you.

A web of lies,
none of which were true.

It's okay.
I should have known that

you wouldn't open up to me
about something like that.

You're not having sex this weekend.

But that's not your job.
That's not your place.

At best, all you can
do is be there for them.

You're right, Mom.
I'm not.

Thank god.

Oh, somebody slept in.
How was last night?

And be grateful
they're there for you.

- What's that for?
- Just lucky to have you.

And I never want to cheat on
you with a cocktail waitress.

Thanks?

- Oh, hey!
- Hey.

Listen, you really saved me last night.

I-I brought you a hangover
smoothie to say thanks.

Oh, how sweet. Banana?

- Mango.
- Oh, it's okay. I'll finish it.

All right, thanks so
much for stopping by.

Okay. Did you put this in last night
When you were drunk?

- 'Cause... 'cause...' cause oof.
- Um, yeah, yeah.

All right.
I'll see you later, okay?

Love you. Bye.

Ikea stuff is confusing.
It's easier said than done.

Because ultimately you can't predict
what'll make other people happy.

- I think you did a great job.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm. I don't know what he's
talking about. It looks great, huh?

We'll just take these parts I
didn't use and put them in a drawer.

Yeah...

"Deflukanani."

You know what I'm saying?