The Mask (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 2 - Baby's Wild Ride - full transcript

♪ I got you
with my winnin' smile ♪

♪ I'm a livin' lesson
in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help
but stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm nouveau deco
Roman Greco ♪

♪ Rococo barroco
bebop and hip-hop ♪

♪ Uh flip-flop
Somebody stop me ♪

♪ Pretty viridian faces
like mine ♪

♪ Don't come a dime a dozen ♪

♪ I stand out in a crowd ♪

♪ Babe when they made me ♪

♪ Yeah they broke the mold ♪



♪ Wholesome and kind
and staid and refined ♪

♪ Totally out of my mind ♪

♪ Archvillains
and ne'er do wells ♪

♪ Had better learn to decorate
prison cells ♪

♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask ♪

♪ See ♪

♪ Well there's one last thing ♪

♪ I gotta sing about ♪

♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪

♪ Oh look out ♪

♪ This is The Mask ♪♪

S-s-smokin'!

(The Mask)
Previously on "The Mask.."

- Peggy!
- Stanley..



You made the front page!

[gasps]

It's been real.

No, it's been surreal.

The house of tomorrow!

[screams]

(Pretorius)
'Ah, Ms. Brandt.'

[sighs]
Peggy, Milo..

[grunting]

Come on, Stanley, get it.

Come on, Stanley. Uh!

[gasps]

thud

[screams]

Whoa-ho-ho!

Oh, hey, pally.

Insurance laws
prohibit civilians

from entering
the actual work area.

[panting]
I hope it's life insurance

because I may be needing it.

[teeth chattering]

[screams]

[wind howling]

Uh-oh, a sledgehammer
to the kidneys won't tickle him

but an ordinary lunchbox
will take him down.

Banana at 6 o'clock!

thud

[dramatic music]

[gasps]
Sturdy fellow.

Sturdy's a good thing.

- 'Come on!'
- Thank you!

screech

I feel good! Hit me!

Ow!

Magnifico!

A little color in your cheeks
make you look so alive!

Alive!

You know, I really hate
to wreck a good piano

but you're worth it!

thud

[music from piano]

Hm, out of tune.

Hah! Wedgie!

smash

[groans]

splash

Now I'm mad!

Here, hold the duck.

boom

Whoa, tough cookie.

When the cookies get tough,
do like the Romans!

[instrumental music]

Let the hostilities begin.

Hm, in the name of Caesar,
time out!

Wait right there, don't move.

[instrumental music]

Let her rip!

[inhales deeply]

[blowing]

knock knock

Whoa! Talk about
your hardened criminal!

[laughs]

[Milo barking]

Look, I'm warning you,
the dog has rabies.

He's certified.

Okay, people, quiet on the set!

Ah, you must be the stinking,
no-good henchmen.

The Mask!

arf arf

Center, people, center!

[purring]

[camera clicks]

Were you born in a barn?

We do not look at the camera

fourth wall and all that.

'Actors! Now, ready? Action!'

Oh, pardonne moi. Did I mention
this was a high-seas adventure?

[screaming]

Bravo, bravo. Fear, terror!

I'm believing it, people.

Nice squid, too,
prop department. Ah!

Ah, Mr. Ipkiss,
I see you have returned

with my mask.

What mask?
You're grabbing my face!

[groans]

Gotcha!

Buddy, I hope you know
a good plastic surgeon

because I'm gonna need one
after this.

Let go!

- Shall we?
- Customer's always right.

crash

Step right up. Win a prize,
every throw's a winner!

How about you, kid?

[groans]

Aw, gee, missed.

Let's blow this science lab.

whoosh

(Pretorius)
'Mental note.'

Tamper-proof
head-eject mechanism.

Eh? Mm..

How inspirational!

[panting]
They won't escape, sir.

They already did..

...but it's a minor glitch

for I intend
to pay a little visit

to the house of tomorrow.

Mental note,
submit the mask to a defeat

from which he will never waken.

(Peggy)
'Oh, Stanley,
what are you doing?'

[grunts]
Destroying the mask..

...among other things.

Any particular reason?

Besides from flushing my career
down the drain, I mean.

The good of mankind!

'Can you imagine
if Pretorius what's-his-name'

'got his hands on it?'

Good choice, Milo.

But you having it
is for the good of mankind.

You're a crimefighting dynamo,
a superhero.

[grunts]

Well, Stanley the destroyer?

Uh, I destroyed my watch!

Oh, it's 5 o'clock!

I promised Charlie I'd meet him
at the house of tomorrow.

I think he'd understand

considering the day
you've just had.

Now what am I gonna do, Peggy?

Tell him I've been fighting
a guy with a detachable head?

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

(Stanley)
'Come on here. Get up.'

Get up the hill,
get up to the gate.

[grunts]
That's it.

Bad car! Ow!

[groans]

[dramatic music]

[chuckles]
The police already suspect

you are The Mask, Mr. Ipkiss.

I intend
to confirm their suspicion.

But first,
I will devise a situation

worthy of The Mask's
criminal genius.

Okay, Charlie.
Red wire goes where?

[laughing]

That's great!

Red wire goes where?

[laughing]

Red wire, red wire..

"Red wire into blue plug."

Okay, red wire

blue plug.

[screams]

(Charlie)
'After removing green wire
from yellow plug.'

Ah, the central nerve bank.

[whirring]

Time to get this house
up and running.

Whoo! You alright, my man?

Oh, yes

but I told you
I am no handyman!

[beeping]

[static]

[laughs]
No handyman, huh?

- How'd you do it?
- Yeah.

Uh, red wire in blue plug
before removing

green wire from yellow plug.
There, sparky.

Right. My idea.
I know how to supervise.

Hey, you!
Clean up on aisle seven!

You missed a spot!

[chuckles]
It heard me.

[groaning]
Hey, hey! Whoo. Hey, hey.

Cut it out! Hah, whoo, hey!

Cut it out! Hey, ooh, ah!

[whirring]

growl

[gasps]

[screams]
Don't be..
Down, boy, girl, it..

Get off me!

[barking]

Charlie!
Something's wrong here!

Yeah, I know!

I kno-o-ow!

arf arf

thud

[groans]

[screams]

Can't move. Broke spine.

Charlie!

[beeps]

She's got an axe!

- But your spine!
- Playing possum.

[gasps]

thud thud thud

[panting]

The test run proves promising.

Let's see
what this baby can really do.

beep

[rumbling]

[screaming]

crash

Charlie, it's walking!

Whoa! The house has gone wacko!

- What do we do?
- 'You're the bank manager!'

[dramatic music]

[laughs]
The Fire Department.

But it's not on fire.

zap

[explosion]

This house is dangerous!

Events are proceeding
as formulated.

Now for the coup de grace.

[imitating a woman]
Testing.

[in a British accent]
Testing.

[imitating Charlie]
Testing. Excellent!

[telephone dialing]

(man on phone)
'Edge City Police Department.
We read you.'

[imitating Charlie]
Help. My name
is Charlie Schumaker.

I'm trapped inside
this homicidal house!

The Mask is controlling it!

The Mask is behind it all!

[explosion]

[all screaming]

(man on radio)
'All-points bulletin!'

'A walking house, I repeat'

'a walking house
is demolishing downtown!'

'An inside source has informed'

'that the perpetrator
is the individual'

'known as The Mask.'

Let's see. Walking house,
walking house, wa..

Oh, see, now-now that one,
that one's

not in the codebook, lieutenant.

screech

thump thump

This is horrible!

If they blame this on the bank

'I could be demoted.'

I must eliminate
the element of chance.

The Mask will be discovered
when I indicate.

- Huh!
- Whoa!

[ripping]

Ah, th-th-this is not a girdle

it's a, uh,
a sports schmenge.

Ugh! Whoa!

- Stanley!
- Whoa!

[screaming]

Grab my shirt
if you find it!

[screaming]

- Mr. Ipkiss.
- You..

[grunting]

The police
will have their perpetrator

of this heinous destruction

when they discover your body

alongside the mask.

That's rather intricate,
don't you think?

Yeah, except for one flaw..

[screams]

I'm sure you had something
fascinating to say

but we have schedules to keep.

thump thump

[explosion]

[barking]

You know, Stanley didn't mention

the house of tomorrow
blew up things.

[screams]

No!

[babbling]

[groans]

[babbles]

S-s-soakin'.

[steam hissing]

Ah!

Look, ma, I'm perma press!

[laughs]

[door opens]

No! No! I'm not a hedge!

I'm a human being!

[dramatic music]

thud

He slices, he dices.

'He makes mounds and mounds
of coleslaw'

and a nice deli sandwich.

Not that you need one, cubby.

Witness the ancient
fighting style known as..

...blow 'em up real good!

[gunfire]

crash

Foo!

Stanley?

Nervousy guy about my height

doesn't get out
much new accounts?

Not me, but he did ask me
to give you this.

Wedgie!

Milo, I smell a story!

arf arf

Tsk, tsk, tsk!
This place is a mess.

[whirring]

She's still got an axe!

thud

Ooh-la-la! That's how
you clean a house, Heloise!

[camera clicks]

Alright! Mask-o-rama!

I see things did not turn out
as planned

in the laundry room.

[beeping]

The front page, you say?
Make it a 5x8 at least.

How about a foil-embossed,
die-cut cover

with a free trading card inside?

Let's try sassy!
It's for my fans!

Milo, say cheese.

Don't forget my good side.

Stanley's really gonna
hate me in the morning.

Too bad! Huh?

Hm. Must be
spring cleaning time.

Eat space dust, robot trash.

[groans]

Experiencing
difficul-difficulties.

Stand by, stand by.

I broke a nail.

Robot maid must pay!

[engine revving]

[laughs]

Who carpeted the tarmac?

[car revving]

Mortar launchers at the ready!

Let's see how funny The Mask is
with a face full of tear gas.

Are you sure
The Mask is behind this?

I mean,
we haven't even seen him.

Yee-hah!

thud

[sputtering]

Whoa. That kinda action's
hard on the paint.

Mask, you're under arrest for..

Doyle, what's that code
for walking house?

whoosh

To arrest me
would be unfraternal, brother.

We're on the same team

fighting for the same cause.

We're even married
to the same woman!

Margaret?

[beeping]

[whimpers]

[Milo barking]

Hark!

[Milo barking]

I said howl, not bark
like a Jack Russell Terrier!

One long bark
followed by two short.

arf arf

Egad!

My archnemesis, Pretorius

is controlling the entire house

from the basement!

Pretorius, you're going down!

Helps to have
a doggie decoder ring, don't it?

boom

Alright, bugsy.
We got you surrounded, see?

Come out with your mandibles up!

So we meet again.

Ooh, a talking head!

Mister, I'm gonna
wash your mouth out

with bug spray! Nyaa!

[groans]
Hey! You guys must be related.

So without further ado

let us gaze upon
my mayorial likeness!

[all screaming]

No, no, no!

Not the statue!

Phew!

[laughs]

[laughs]

How very clever of you
to limit my target area

by not bringing your head
to the duel!

It's heading
for the Children's Hospital!

Children's Hospital?

'You are a naughty
walking house, aren't you?'

'For shame,
for shame, for shame!'

Next stop!

Heck, I don't know,
but it sure ain't gonna be

the Children's Hospital.

Everyone out, everyone out!
Big kaboom coming up!

Oh, Milo! Little doggie.
Poochie-goochie-woochie!

[snarling]

arf arf arf

[snarling]

Get away, get away!

splash

No!

- 'Stanley!'
- I hope The Mask is okay.

- He saved--
- Yeah, yeah, so he did.

I just wanna know one thing.

How come we never see Ipkiss
and The Mask together, huh?

[coughing]

Oh!

Say goodnight, Mr. Ipkiss.

[gasps]
Hey!

[growls]

Milo?

[growling]

Green head chasing the bad guy?

Looks like The Mask to me.

(Doyle)
'And together with Ipkiss.
How about that?'

[indistinct chattering on radio]

(Peggy)
Well, I guess you're not

a crimefighting dynamo
after all.

You're just an awesome
one-man army of superheroes

wrapped into one green package!

Yeah. I saved
the Children's Hospital.

That was pretty cool.

[chuckles]

But I am never
using the mask again.

I'll make sure
it doesn't fall into evil hands

but I am leaving heroics
to the police from now on.

[whimpering]

A big career opportunity gone.

Bye-bye, bank president.

Well, at least it's insured.

[chuckles]
Good thing I had the, ahem

supervisory foresight

to send you on that errand,
eh, Stanley?

Oh, the envelope?

(Mitch)
I want an APB
on the fugitive head.

[dramatic music]

We will meet again,
Mr. Ipkiss.

Mental note. Break body
out of Edge City prison.

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy,
when's the last mail pickup?

Oh, right about now.

What I just said
about the mask--

I will never use the mask again

etcetera, etcetera.
You mean that?

Uh-huh. Just this once.

- Hey, guys. What's up?
- Watch your step.

Make sure Milo gets his dry food
and don't wait up.

The Mask is gonna
paint the town tonight!

S-s-smokin'!