The Mask (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Terrible Twos - full transcript

♪ I gotcha
with my winnin' smile ♪

♪ I'm a livin' lesson
in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm Nouveau Deco
Roman-Greco ♪

♪ Rococo Barroco
bee-bop and hip-hop ♪

♪ Uh flip-flop
somebody stop me ♪

♪ Pretty viridian faces
like mine ♪

♪ Don't come
a dime a dozen ♪

♪ I stand out in a crowd ♪

♪ Babe when they made me
yeah they broke the mold ♪

♪ Wholesome and kind
staid and refined ♪



♪ Totally out of my mind ♪

♪ Arch villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪

♪ Had better learn
to decorate prison cells ♪

♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask see? ♪

♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪

♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪

♪ Oh-h-h look out ♪

♪ This is The Mask ♪♪

S-s-s-smokin'!

(Stanley)
'How come the closest I get
to female companionship'

'is my landlady's
bad breath in my face?'

'I could stop by the bank
and see Matilda.'

'She's going out
with me Friday.'

'Well, not going out exactly'



but she agreed to maybe
let me walk her to her car.

thud

Ipkiss! How many times
do I have to tell you?

You're thinking too loud!

Ooh, what I'd like
to do to her!

I wish.

'But I know who can.'

Time for a little visit
from our friend..

'...The Mask.'

[whimpering]

Heh heh heh.

I'll show her "Thinking loud."

Yeeeehhh..

No. I can't.

I want to.
No. Yes. No.

'Yes. No. Yes.'

Must make Peenman
pay dearly.

No. Must use mask for good.

Yehh! Oh, but I...ohh!

Whoo. Oh, man,
that was close.

Heh heh.

Milo, buddy, that mask
is really dangerous.

Don't you ever
let me use it, okay?

[growls

[breathing heavily]

[bell ringing]

The Edge City Bank alarm.

Matilda!

Just this once.

[whooshing]

What's that racket go..

S-s-s-smokin'!

Is hazardous
to your health.

boom

This has been
a public service announcement.

Ha ha ha!

[alarm ringing]

Come on! Come on! Come on!

- What?
- Are we there yet, daddy?

- Get out.
- You first.

boing

My day job!

I just can't get enough
of this place.

[babbling]

Skydiver's rule number one.

'Always pack a parachute!'

I could hold you in my arms
all night long

but the woman I love
is in that bank.

[grunting]

I'm sorry.
Did you still need me?

Nothing like ending
a workout

with a full body massage,
eh, champ?

You're a wrecking machine.

Aaaahh!

Hurts so good!

[growls]

Point of interest..

...you dropped your towel.

screech screech

crash

Standard-model mask
now comes with dual airbags.

Aah!

You're not
robbing any bank.

Fair Matilda,
I doth come to thine rescue!

Oh.

Fair Matilda, I doth..

[gasping]
Aaaahh!

Hmm. She doth not
seem impressed

by the heavy metal
look, forsooth.

screech

Slim, Montana,
I done warned y'all

not to be robbing banks
in my town.

Now I'm gonna have take you in.

But first..

Hey, where's the car?

[indistinct]

Hey, come on, let's go.

Matilda!

Wherefore art thou,
Matilda?

Matilda!

Oh, look at the time.

Oh, God, look, I got to go.
Be a good dog, Milo.

- Peggy!
- Stanley!

You made the front page.

'Surveillance cameras
got it all!'

What are you talking..
Aah!

Peggy, how could you..

Ohh. "Just the facts really?"

For a second, I thought
it was a real newspaper.

Hey, I don't make fun
of your job.

Look, Stanley,
you're my only hope

of making it in this business,
you're real news.

You think I like reporting

about Martian landings
and Elvis sightings?

Okay, okay, so I sold you
up the river

to some mobsters, once.

Can't we put that behind us?

Oh, Stanley, I won't
let on you're the Mask.

Promise.

Reflex?

You're the only one
who knows my secret.

Well, you and Milo.

"The masked man
with the powers

of a superman
strikes again."

[chuckles]
I've been following
his exploits

with much scientific
curiosity.

But I'm an impatient reader.

'Gentlemen,
make the true identity'

of the Mask known to me.

There are things

he and I

need to discuss.

The police have everything
under control.

No need to alarm the public
with grim tidings.

We must emphasize
the positive

the unveiling of my new statue,
for instance.

This evening. Edge City Square.
Ooh, I look good.

Ahem. And be true to our slogan.

"Edge City where the fluff is..

...and crime isn't!"

bang bang

Duck and cover! They're shooting
at us. Oh, not the face!

[car backfire]

[metal clanking]

[giggling]
Mayor.

Car needs tuning.

Your final paycheck, Matilda.

Better luck
at your next job.

Oh, look.

Here's Stanley
with a parting gift.

[clanking]

Charlie, you can't fire her.

It's not her fault
the crooks got away.

Oh, yes, I can fire her.

Since I'm now, ahem,
the bank manager.

But I'm not firing her.
She's quitting.

- Is it true, Matilda?
- Ya. You betcha.

I'm leaving the bank
and Edge City.

Too many cuckoos
in this town.

Tha-that-that green face,
it was horrible!

It-it knew my name.

I guess Friday's off, then.

Ha ha ha! Don't take it
personally, buddy.

It's not like
that was you here

in the bank last night.

Was it?

Me? Me? Ha ha!

Ch-Charlie, come on.

Charlie, you know
I got rid of that thing.

Yeah. Too bad.
Gentlemen!

I'm the, ahem,
bank manager.

I'm happy for you, scooter.

But if I catch that cough
you're passing around

I'll show you a game we play
downtown with a rubber-hose.

And if you think that sounds
like fun, think again.

Drop the dumb act, Ipkiss.

Not only was the mask here
last night but he was seen

in your apartment building,
on your floor.

[gasps]
What a coincidence.

Coincidence? Sure.

Like Doyle eating
that doughnut's a coincidence.

- Hi, huh!
- It's an act of nature!

clang

Lieutenant, your pants.

Doyle!

I know.

Better not slip up,
butterfingers.

''Cause nothing would
make me happier'

than giving payback
to some green-faced freak

who hands out bum cigars
to sweet old ladies.

[exhales]
Sweet?

Stanley, I'm running late.
Could you babysit for a spell?

You're such a dear.
Bye.

'Oh, please, it's Francis.'

I do volunteer work
for Mayor Tilton's

Keep Edge City fluffy
project, you know.

They're unveiling a statue
in his honor today.

Oh! And no cartoons for baby.
They're too violent!

The police suspect
he's the Mask.

Then we must get
to this Ipkiss before they do.

- Right.
- Remain!

His fighting abilities
could prove too uncanny

for the likes
of a mere human.

Walter!

Bring Ipkiss to me.

Milo, Matilda
called me "It! It!"

Well, not me exactly,
but it is me.

I mean, he is me.
Isn't he?

[door creaking]

Whatever.

I mean, The Mask didn't even
stop the crooks.

'Didn't get me a date, either.'

'Some casanova.'

'Some crime fighter.'

The only thing he did do was
to get on the most-wanted list

and-and blow up Mrs. Peenman.
He he he!

'Okay, so she deserved it.'

'But the point is,
the mask can't be trusted.'

'It has a mind of its own.'

Milo, that mask
doesn't help me.

It just makes
my life miserable.

You know...maybe I should
just get rid of it.

[gasp]
No!

Waaaahhh.

Ga-ga goo-goo.

Ha ha ha.

thud thud thud

Give...give me, baby.

Come here.
Come here.

Give me that.
Give me that.

(Francis)
'Stanley, I'm home!'

thud

I hate to spoil all your fun!

[Stanley screaming]

bow bow

[grunts]

Stanley?

Baby?

Everything alright in there?

[grunting]

Hey, give it to me!

Come on, baby. Come on.

[panting]

Buddy...you are outta here!

[machine whirring]

Let her rip.

So long, pal.

It's been real.

No, it's been surreal.

splash

[engine whirring]

thud

♪ Hey guess what
I ain't got no mask ♪

♪ Don't you dare ask 'cause
I ain't got no mask ♪

♪ That's amazing
but it's gone baby ♪♪

♪ Ya-da-bop-a-doo-doo ♪

♪ Sharpenin' my pencil ♪♪

Stanley, you know I look
for every opportunity

to offer you
career advancement.

Boy, you're always thinking,
aren't you, Chuck?

I guess that's why
you're the

ahem, bank manager.

[laughing]

Gee, you're perky today.

Awesome. I've got
something to show you.

The house of tomorrow!

Well, it was the house
of tomorrow yesterday.

But, anyway,
our bank acquired

this one-of-a-kind masterwork
of Modern Americana today.

It's neat.

Neat? It's the Eighth
Wonder of the planet!

It's all robots, Stanley.

Robot maids, robot laundry
and the whole thing elevates

on quarter mile-high
robot stilts

so you can change the view!

Look! Here comes old
slipper fetcher now.

[barking]

beep beep

[clatters]

Cool, plays dead.

Place needs a little work.

Yeah, so why bring me here?

Brainstorm!
We take some initiative.

We impress our boss.

We whip this place into shape.

Well, you whip
while I, ahem, supervise.

But, Charlie,
I'm in new accounts.

I-I work in the bank.

Uh-uh-uh, with that attitude,
you'll never get to be.. Ahem!

Charlie, I-I don't know

anything about manual labor.

Well, it's not real
manual labor.

Just a squirt of oil here,
tighten a bolt there.

'Okay. Circuit box
needs an overhaul.'

(Charlie)
'No! No! No!'

'No!'

Now, let's see.
A squirt of oil here.

Tighten a bolt there and..

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪♪

boom

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, somebody stop me!

(Charlie)
'Stanley, hello?'

'I'm talking here.'

Uh-huh. You're thinking
about Matilda, aren't you?

Uh, no.

Okay, okay, I'll help.

I mean, I'm on
the bank's payroll.

If they wanna pay me
to do manual labor

instead of new accounts,
who am I to say?

Well, you are needed
in new accounts

which is why you'll
be doing this..

...after hours.

Meet me back here
at 5:00 sharp, okay?

You're a guy.

Oh, oh, oh!
Almost forgot.

Get this to the post office
on your way back.

Unh-unh-unh-unh.

Very importanto.

Insurance papers for the house.

An irreplaceable
one-of-a-kind beaut like this

needs to be insured.

This wouldn't be happening
if I still had the mask.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I did the right thing.

I'll be bank president
one day

without the mask's help.
Whaa!

Oh, no, no, no.
Here. Here. Take this.

I meant just the wallet!

Whoa! Aah! Help-p-p!

[machine whirring]

Ooh! Aah!

Oh! Oh-ho! Ohh!

[buzzing]

I am Pretorius.

Congratulations.

Your test results reveal you're
a normal, healthy young man..

except for
the psychological profile.

It seems you're repressed

and suffer from
an overactive superego.

'That means there's
a wild man inside you'

'wanting to get out.'

But there is no indication

you possess
any superhuman qualities.

It is as I hypothesized.

clap clap

Your power must lie
in the mask.

W-what's that about a-a mask?

A mask? Uh, hmm. Mask.

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Okay, i-if this is some joke,
I don't have time for it.

Because I've got an envelope
to mail, mister!

I assure you, Mr. Ipkiss
this is no joke!

Whaa!

'Aah!'

Do you find a disembodied

talking head funny, Mr. Ipkiss?

I think not.

Uh...why?

I supervised the surgical
removal of my head

to allow for maximum
flexibility.

You see, Mr. Ipkiss

I'm so busy

I have projects scheduled

until the turn
of the century.

Mental note
purchase new day planner.

Now that there are two of me.

I can divide my chores

into head projects

and the body projects.

[clatters]

Do you take me
seriously now

Mr. Ipkiss?

Uh-huh.

Ah, wow!

What do you want
with the mask?

I want to analyze it.

If I determine its basic
molecular components

I can manufacture knock-offs.

With masks like yours

my henchmen can become

an invincible

fighting force.

And you want me
to give my mask to you.

I-I-I mean,
if I had a mask

I-I wouldn't
give it to you.

Walter!

[whimpering]

No! You leave him
out of this!

Oh, Walter's very effective

in that mindless
killing machine sort of way.

Okay. Okay.
I got rid of the mask.

I-I-I buried it
in some concrete.

Very well.

Walter.

[whimpers]

[barking]

No! No!

[whimpering]

Sir, there's an intruder
on the premises.

Walter, later.

Come with me.

Think it over

while you await our return.

[gulp]

Milo, buddy,
c-c-can you pick the lock?

[groans]

'Pick it!'

[whimpers]

slurp slurp slurp

Not lick.

Pick.

[buzzing]

- Peggy!
- Hey, Stanley.

Milo!

Adventure dog.

[barks]

- H-h-how did you find me?
- Followed you.

You weren't hard to miss.

You and your buddy,
the son of Frankenstein.

You scream
like a girl, you know?

I do not.. J-just never mind.

Just would you
untie me, please?

Well, what kind of a story
would that be?

Come on, Stanley, surely
The Mask can get out of this.

Go on. I'm ready.

Peggy, there is no more mask.

'It's over.
I buried it forever.'

Now would you please untie me
before they kill us all?

[barking]

Gee, Stanley, you could've
considered my career

before you went
and did that.

[buzzing]

The intruder! Get her!

Oh!

Peggy!

Ow!

Let go of me!

[barking]

Hyah! Ohh!

Ohh!

I'm warning you.

I know, uh.. What do I know?

Oh!
Mad monkey kung fu.

Oh, boy.
If I fight, I'm doomed.

And nobody will save
Peggy and Milo.

There's only
one thing to do.

clap clap

clap clap

Fetch him back!

(Pretorious)
'Ahh, Ms. Brandt.'

I'm a big fan
of your writing.

'Tell me, did Sasquatch'

'really have a Siamese twin?'

'who was abducted by aliens?'

[panting]
Got to get the mask.

[gasps]

[panting]

Great!

Aah!

Whoa!

Oh!

Landfill Park.

Ingenious!

[panting]

Hey!

clang

creak creak

crash

Oh, man.

Oh.

The mask!

No!

How could it be?

Mister, that there
is quick-drying cement.

crash

thud

Oh, come on.

That hurt a little.

Oh, sure.

This cement is still wet.

[grunting]

But also quick-drying.

Peggy, Milo..

...I'm sorry.

(Mask)
Will Ipkiss get
out of this jam?

Find out next time on..

"...The Mask."