The Mask (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 14 - Split Personality - full transcript

♪ I gotcha with my
winnin' smile ♪

♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help
but stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm Nouveau Deco Roman
Greco Rococo Barroco ♪

♪ Be-bop hip-hop flip-flop ♪

♪ Somebody stop me ♪

♪ Pretty viridian faces
like mine ♪

♪ Don't come a dime a dozen ♪

♪ I stand out of the crowd ♪

♪ Babe when they made me ♪

♪ Yeah they broke the mold ♪



♪ Wholesome and kind
staid and refined ♪

♪ Totally out of my mind ♪

♪ Arch-villains
and never-do-wells ♪

♪ Had better learn
to decorate prison cells ♪

♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask see ♪

♪ Well there's one last thing
I gotta sing about ♪

♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪

♪ Oh-h-h look out ♪

♪ This is The Mask ♪

♪ Smokin' ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[bells ringing]

Charlie.

Charlie.



I don't want
to be Santa.

Ease up, Stanley Claus,
it's almost Christmas Eve.

Where is your
Christmas spirit?

It got frost bite
over an hour ago.

Look, Charlie,
my beard is starting to ice--

Hang in there,
my man.

Only, uh, three more hours
to closing.

♪ Ho ho ho our home loan rates
are low low low ♪

♪ Ho ho ho.. ♪♪

Well, at least I'm not
the only poor slob doin' this.

Hey, ha ha ha,
ho ho ho!

How are you doin'?

Is this the pitts or what?

I-I-I mean,
unless you like

this sort
of the Ch-christmas thing.

Which many people do.
You, you being one of..

screek crash

Ugh!

I'm gone.

(Dak)
'Dudes, cheap shot!'

We saw that bank first,
we're gonna rob it.

Yeah, and he stole
our Santa suit idea.

thud

gwuf gwuf gwuf

Oh, what's he
gonna do, Dak?

Don't know, Eddie.

whizz

plat

Alright, dude,
prepare to submit to my feet.

And mine also.

We're the Terrible-Two,
me and him.

You fellows aren't robbing
this bank.

- I'll.
- This is unbelievable.

Yeah? We're robbing it.
What are you gonna do about it?

I'll unsinch my belt.

Which is the only thing

keeping me from inflating
so large.

I blow this block sky-high

for I am Kablamus,
"The Exploding Man."

- Dak.
- Eddie..

He's got better
powers than me.

(Kablamus)
'Out is the way, cabeneros'

I am, don't you love it?

The greatest bandit
in all of Lisbon.

And I have travelled far
to rob this banko.

Hey, you,
all of yous back off.

Unless you wanna
mess with the Philly Kid.

[all shouting]

My fellow citizens,
for the duration of Christmas

I'm pronouncing Edge city
a Santa-free zone.

A severe measure, I know.

But every year
it's the same thing.

Every two-bit crook,
thief and mutant

abuses the holidays by robbing
banks disguised as Santa.

Thus making the streets
a most unfluffy place to be.

Therefore, in the name
of public safety

I'm calling out a city wide
dragnet to hold all the Santa's

into the jailhouse.

Help. I'm innocent.

[instrumental music]

Gee, If I'd known,
I'll be spending Christmas

with Walter,
I would've got him something.

It stinks in here!

(Santa)
'I smell it too.'

The stench of a stupefying
inapt bureaucracy called jail.

Thank you.

Locked up like some stupid grift
around the one night of the year

every kid in the world
is waiting for my deliveries.

These people are such pests.

Oh, you must work
for the post office?

Hi, Stanley Ipkiss,
new accounts.

I suppose working in a bank

gives you license
to dress like me.

And at least
you're not a fish.

Hey!

Right! I'm talking to a guy
who thinks he's Santa Claus.

A skeptic, eh?

Why, just you take
a look here, little mister?

'Here you see
there is the misses, my elves'

'and my North Pole
Sleigh license.'

And I can assure you
that that's one

doozy of a driving test.

If you ever tried getting eight
reindeer to parallel park..

Ipkiss, Stanley,
you're free to go.

Well! Nice talking to you,
Uh, Santa.

I'll be outa here.

Now just wait a minute,
you may or may not believe

I'm Santa Claus
and frankly I don't care.

But there's a lot
of children

who're going to be very
disappointed tomorrow morning.

Right. Right,
yes, sir.

But, you see, that's
really none of my.. Guard!

If only someone
could fill in for me.

Somebody pure of heart.

Pure is good, I really..

(Santa)
'Somebody noble.'

'Heroic! Somebody
about to leave this cell.'

Oh! You mean like me?

Well, no.

But you're certainly
the front-runner in this room.

Okay. You gotta
help me, man.

There, there,
there is no such thing as Santa.

He, he's just
a legend, right?

Maybe you oughta ask them.

[comical music]

Santa's in jail.
Isn't he, daddy?

I saw it on TV.

Well, I, uh,
no, there he is, Tim!

Lookie!

Oh, ah-ah ah,
yo ho ho.

It's not Santa, daddy.
That's just some jerk.

Oh, c'mon,
son, let's go.

Jerk!

[Stanley thinking]
There's a lot of children

who're going to be very
disappointed tomorrow morning.

Jerk.

Oh, whether I believe
in Santa or not

I am not gonna go down
in history

as the jerk who could've
saved Christmas.

Besides,
I already got the suit.

That's a good start, right?

Oh, I just
gotta figure out

a high speed delivery system
that'll service all,

I don't know, about a gillion
kids before tomorrow morning.

[comical music]

grrr grrrr

[whimpering]

You know, I, I, know.
But don't worry, buddy.

It's for a good cause.

Santa's in the whoscow.

I've got to bring the children
of the world their gifts.

[zapping]

On Rudolph, on Prancer,
on Mason and Dixen.

On Mo, Larry, Curly,
and Reagan and Nixon.

[Milo growling]

Ho, there, Rudolph!

[Milo panting]

Ha! I'm
a liberated Santa.

creak creak creak

- Santa?
- No, the Tooth Fairy.

creak thud

I'm just kiddin', kiddo.

So, tell me..

..what do you want
for Christmas?

Uh, I already told you

when I sat on your lap
at the department store.

You did?

Don't you
remember, Santa?

Well, of co-o-ourse.

Refresh my memory.

I asked for
a rocking horse.

Is that a problem?

C'mon, do I look like
a cut-rate Santa to you?

Think about it.
Rocking horses are kids stuff.

Well in case you
haven't noticed, I'm a kid!

What you need
is the real thing!

[neighing]

[laughing]

A horsey!

A race horsey.

Put 20 bucks on his nose
to win his third race on Sunday.

And Santa will be back
for his winnings!

Let's play 50-50.

[whirring]

tink

vroom

Well, what have we here?

Another fat joker in a red suit
breaking and entering.

Dad!

We prefer to call ourselves
anatomically enhanced.

Pleasantly plump,
big boned whatever.

Last I heard this town
was a Santa-free zone.

Which means jolly boy
there, is breakin' the law.

(police #1 on a microphone)
'This is the Edge city police.'
You are under arrest.'

Under-dressed?

Call me whacky,
with the whole nine yards

including accessories.

'I repeat.
You're under arrest.'

Okay, I'm with you.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.

You see that is different.

[instrumental music]

(male narrator)
We'll be right back.

tink
whirrr

zoink creak

And now, back to show.

Come down
with your hands up.

'So I can sit on your lap
and read you your rights.'

zoink swoosh thud

[whistle]
Giddy-up, Rudy.

[whirring]

[siren]

No renegade Santa's gettin'
away from me.

Lieutenant, he's flyin'.

He's really flyin'.

What if he's
the real Santa?

clank

[instrumental music]

Time to soup this buggy up.

Eat my fairy dust.

Or should that
be Elf dust?

vroom

Wow!

He's gotta be the real Santa.

Doyle, wake up and smell
the eggnog.

Santa's are fake.

They're all fakes.

I've known that
since I was five.

When I asked
for Captain Choo Choo

did I get it?

'No, I did not.'

'All I got
was a lousy shirt.'

Well, we asked for lots
of nice presents in our letter

but have we
been a good boy?

Hiya, Santa.

Oh, why's your
face all green?

I'll tell you why.

Because he's The Mask.

Hey!

Hey, how'd you like if I do
that to your facial hair, bucko?

Ow!

Ha ha ha.

(The Mask)
'Somebody, stop me.'

[dramatic music]

vroom

swoosh

nnneeaoowww

swoosh swoosh

[screams]

clink

vroom

screeching
Whoa!

[both shouting]

screech

nnneeaoowww

Ho ho ho,
well, here you go.

Merry Christmas, sport.

And one for you.

(Doyle)
'A VCR.'

What did you get,
lieutenant?

A flannel shirt.

Yes, to match your
flannel underwear.

Yuletide wedgie!

[laughing]

[grunting]

Hey, don't, don't
those flannel kinds itch?

screech

I'll fly.
Have a happy..

[cracking]

Run!

[panting]
Kellaway here.

All points, fugitive Santa
heading north

outside Land field Park.

'And a very large crime.'

splash

(The Mask)
'Oh, back in the saddle again,
eh, Rudy?'

Let's say we drop off
a few more--

(policeman over microphone)
'Alright, pull the sleigh over.'

You're under arrest.

Rudy, yo, divert.

nnneeaoowww
thud

whirr

Some diversion.

nnneeaoowww thud

swish

[panting]
Some town.

You think they
will welcome Santa?

buzz buzz

Now, that's more like it!

swish whirr

swish swoosh

nnneeaoowww creak

thud

Good evening,
Mr. Cringal.

A creature is stirring.
I think it's a louse.

I've being trying to capture
you for years.

Ha ha ha.

I think you'd probably
think your abduction

has something to do
with ruining Christmas

for the children
on the world.

Which no doubt
it will.

But that's merely
an unfortunate side-effect.

For my motive has nothing to do
with spoiling holidays.

Uh, but everything to do
with science.

What I seek

is the power of your
magical, bottomless sack.

I want to study it.

Dissect it.

Ugh!

Learn the secret of pulling
a trillion toys

out of one over-sized
pillow case.

[grunting]

whoosh thud

Why this sack defies
all known laws of physics?

And once I master it

just imagine the things
I can pull out.

- Imagine.
- You?

Ah, ah, ah!

I think somebody's got

a little repressed
holiday anger.

So, what the dickens
shall we do about it? Hmm!

I am the ghost
of Christmas past.

Remember this?
You were five years old.

Dissecting kit?

Hey, c'mon kid, wouldn't you
have a toy truck?

'You didn't get
your dissecting kit'

that's when you
decided to become

a twisted criminal
scientific genius you are today.

Actually, it wasn't anything
like that at all.

Hm! Next up!

(The Mask)
'I'm the ghost
of Christmas present.'

Thank you,
little drummer boy.

Who, who are you?

The ghost
of Christmas future.

Your future
brings a gift.

A gift from The Mask.

I've already got it.

Beware!

It's not a watch!

boom

[coughing]

I'll get you for this, Mask.

Hey! Makin'
a New Year's resolution?

crackle crackle

[comical music]

swish tink

swish tink

Rudy? Oh, Rudy?

'Rudy!'

'Milo?'

Milo!

No matter.
I've got remote.

zu-whee

swish

[whimpering]

Smo-okin'!

Who said you
need a reindeer?

Well, that was an amazing
digression, hmm?

Now, let's see. How many gifts
have I delivered so far?

Well, not counting Doyle's VCR.

Lt. Kellaway's flannel shirt--
It would be..

...one. Good thing I've got
plenty of time.

[comical music]

- 'Dude, you think it'll work?
- 'Piece of cake.'

(Dak)
'I've been working with with
explosives my whole life'

'and never seen this much fire
power one container.'

Just do it!

Before our friend the fish stick
asphyxiates us all.

Hey!

Let it rip!

fffft boom

[indistinct chattering]

Edge city's ours
for the takin'. Ow!

[instrumental music]

(female narrator)
And now, these messages.

[instrumental music]

And now back to the show.

[whirring]

Well, Let me see, do I give
Bonnie the Bedwedding doll

or Suzie Pastor
Jr. home cheese world.

[alarm ringing]

[gibbering]

But first..

[alarm ringing]

Oh, this is cool.

'Cause like instead of giving
stuff like Santa usually does

we're takin' stuff.

(The Mask)
'And you call
yourselves Santas?'

You're the sorriest bunch
of sad Santa I've ever seen.

Present belly!

blup

Now shake 'em like
a bowl full of jelly.

Pathetic!

You all need to work
on your jolliness.

swoosh

Fortunately, I prepared
a little number

to help you do
just that least.

And it goes
something like this.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way
ha ha ha ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to laugh
and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse ♪

♪ Open sleigh ♪♪

- Excellent!
- Excellent!

Thank you but buddy for what
we listen to this, this

[speaking in Spanish]

Yeah, what he say.

We're crooks. we don't have
to sing and dance for nobody.

Alright! You asked for it!

You leave me no choice

but to unleash the deadliest
holiday weapon

ever created.

(The Mask)
'Something so unspeakable.'

'It inevitably goes uneaten.'

Till it hardens and gets
thrown away.

That's right.

Fruit cake!

It's time for the holidays.

[gibbering]

Now then..

Let us dash through
the snow, one-horse.

swoosh

vroom screech

Well, I'll be..

Wow! I love fruit cake.

Shut up
and book 'em, Doyle.

[helicopter whirring]

Okay, Rudolph.

It's gonna take some hustle.

But give me one good reason

we can't deliver
these presents tonight.

[whimpering]

[comical music]

That's a pretty good reason.

Nevertheless, may I have failed
to save Christmas

I can't bear to live
with myself.

I sure hope Ipkiss

is more emotionally stable
than I am.

[grunting]

One present.
I delivered one present?

Milo, Milo, why did I rely
on The Mask?

Oh, man,
I should've known better.

Now I am the jerk
who could've saved Christmas.

[whimpering]

woof

What is it, boy?

[barking]

[laughing]
Chrisbot and Spinesnapper.

Santa brought me
the Mangloids. Ha ha ha!

Wow! The gifts
did get delivered!

Of course.

Santa busted out of jail
along with the crooks.

[instrumental music]

[church bell tolling]

Santa does exist.

Don't you see?

How else could the kids
have gotten their gifts?

There is no
such thing as Santa.

I know.

No, no, no. you're wrong,
lieutenant, and I can prove it.

(Stanley)
'He was in this cell.'

He got free when
the crooks busted out

and then he delivered
all the gifts.

Yeah, do ya see?

No, Ipkiss,
I don't see.

All suspects are catalogued
in this book.

So, as you can see

'no such guy
was ever arrested.'

But, but I--

Now, if you'll excuse me

it's Christmas morning so,
I'd like to bowl

a few down at
Landfill Lanes.

[instrumental music]

thud

Captain Choo-Choo.

Nah! Couldn't be.

Well, Milo, I miss

you know, kinda nice thinkin'
there was a Santa Claus

but I guess..

zoink

[barking]

(Stanley)
'Let me see that, boy.'

A present!

And there's a note.

(Santa)
"Nice try, sport.

"But this job
isn't for amateurs.

"P.S, I got
this especially for you.

"Ciao, S. C."

That's odd.

Ha ha ha!

I don't think
I've ever been so glad

to see
a flannel shirt.

Yes, Milo,
there is a Santa Claus!