The Mask (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 12 - How Much Is That Dog in the Tin Can? - full transcript
♪ I gotcha with my
winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm nouveau deco
Roman-Greco Rococo Barroco ♪
♪ Bebop hip-hop flip-flop ♪
♪ Somebody stop me ♪
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
♪ Don't come a dime a dozen
I stand out of the crowd ♪
♪ Babe when they made me
yeah they broke the mold ♪
♪ Wholesome and kind staid and
refined totally out of my mind ♪
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn
to decorate prison cells ♪
♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask see ♪
♪ Well there's one last thing
I gotta sing about ♪
♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪
♪ O-o-oh look out ♪
♪ This is The Mask ♪♪
S-s-smokin'!
[pleasant music]
[Stanley whistling]
Hey, hey.
It's your day, Milo.
What's it gonna be?
Frisbee in the park?
Maybe a visit
to the butcher shop.
Oh, no-no, I know.
A quiet day at home
drinking outta the toilet.
[grunting]
Ha-ha-ha, I love when you,
you know, you drink--
(male #1)
'Can you cook
a cheaper chili than Chucky?'
First prize
to the best tasting chili
with the cheapest ingredients.
Noon at the park,
and bring your own crock pots.
They don't call him
Cheap Chucky for nothing!
What a job.
(Stanley)
'Ten grand!'
Why, that's-that's..
...a lot of money
is what that is.
Heck, how hard
can making chili be?
'Oh come on.'
'Can't taste any worse than that
swill Cheap Chucky calls chili.'
Right, Milo?
Ah! Milo!
(female #1)
'Show some backbone,
you mangy, little cur.'
Did you think you were gonna
roam these streets forever?
Ha ha ha.
Well, think again.
Aah!
bang
What?
grrr
So, it's a toofer, huh?
Aah!
Gotcha!
[whimpering]
[snarling]
Milo, what has gotten
into you? You are a bad dog.
Don't bark
at the city official.
[whimpering]
(Stanley)
'Okay, now. Let's see.'
How can I set myself
apart from the pack here?
Yam chili.
Oh yeah, it's perfect
for the holidays.
Oh, we are gonna
be rich, Milo.
[whimpering]
Oh, come on, fella.
I've gotta get going.
Wish me luck, pal.
bam
creak
[dramatic music]
splatt
[howling]
(man on TV)
'We now return
to "Edge City's Most Wanted."'
'Where we're looking to nab'
'No-goodnik number 100,
and you can help.'
'Have you seen this woman?'
'She's escaped convict,
Willamina Bubask.'
'Wanted for dog-napping,
grand theft auto'
'and assaulting
an entire police precinct.'
Out of my way, you low-lifes.
screech
[police siren blaring]
'What the hecks is that?'
[blaring continues]
Ha ha ha.
No way, officer
or what ever you are.
Not today.
vroom
[dramatic music]
sniff sniff
slurp
Ooo-yum!
The mastodon
of the Pleistocene era
'had few natural enemies.'
'The saber-toothed tiger
among them.'
roar
chomp
crash
Is everyone ready
for Cheap Chucky's
first annual chili cook-off?
[all cheering]
Let's get started and
may the cheapest chili win.
Hi.
My name is Kiss. Ipkiss.
Double-o-nothing.
Got a license
to chili...instead.
screech
Must have lost him.
[dramatic music]
Oh, I see some very
creative cooking going on.
Yams? Oh, I wouldn't
have thought of..
burble burble
Yams and chili go.
Who is this?
Hey, there, Walter.
Awfully nice hat.
Uh, hey. Hi.
What brings you here, Walter?
Good-eats or the 10 G's?
None of the above. Okay, uh..
Where is the mask, right?
Well, the funny
thing is, Walter
I don't happen to have
it with me, uh, today.
But boy, do I wish I did.
Fifty bucks a dog
was the deal, not 40.
Well, raising the ten thou
for the contest prize
has tapped my capital.
- Listen, Chintzy-chazz.
- Uh, Cheap Chucky.
I know this contest is bogus.
I know there ain't no ten large.
And if you don't
want everyone to know--
Okay, okay.
Just meet me at the
factory in half an hour
and you'll get your money.
Welching little wimp.
[police siren blaring]
Oh, for the love of..
Oh do I double wish
I had the mask.
screech
whirr
[gasping]
Milo?
slurp
Yuck! What are you
doing here with the mask?
Bad dog. Bad dog.
'Good-good dog!'
splatt
Now you stay this time.
You got that? Stay.
splatt
huff
thud
thud
[whimpering]
[barking]
thud
This impromptu for show
makes stealing chili recipes
a whole lot easier.
As we say in the
land of the rising sun..
Aai-i-i-iee!
thwack
thud
[clamoring]
This ain't over yet, baby.
Walter on defense.
Big, tough, sleeps
with the night-light, baby.
But is he ready for a facial?
clang
thwack
splash
slurp
Not bad. Needs something.
fffff
bang
Sure. You knew
this was coming.
boom
Hot enough for you,
leather-face?
Yup, yup. The bigger they are..
boom
'...the louder they explode.'
We-e-ell, Milo.
I really busted Walt's wagon
that time, don't you think?
Don't ya, Milo?
Here boy. Milo.
[whistling]
Where are you?
Come on, boy. Come on, fella.
You in there, boy?
[whistling]
H-H-He's gone?
[crying]
Oh, gosh! I can't believe it.
I'll never forget him.
Why, of course. The little
stinker must've left a scent.
Smellementary.
sniff sniff
[dramatic music]
[barking]
screech
(The Mask)
'He-e-ere, Yeller!'
'Come on, Yeller.'
'Yeller, ol' boy!'
Can ya hear me?
Oh!
There you are.
My little huggles.
Hold on. You were
supposed to stay!
Punishment is an order.
Aw, pshawshank.
Little harsh, huh?
Yeah, well. Better leave this
to the master scolder himself.
splatt
Huh! Huh?
'What the, Milo?'
Dog catcher? Oh-oh.
Yeah, I get it.
Milo to the rescue, huh?
That was reckless. You could've
been mistaken for a stray.
What a coincidence.
The dog catcher's van
here at the chili plant.
Now why would they
bring dogs here?
[intense music]
Oh no, you don't..
gulp
Do you think..
Mother of mercy. Chili dogs!
They're making
Ground Round hound in there!
[Milo howling]
[dramatic music]
[dogs barking]
splash
ptooey
(Willamina)
'Ha ha ha.
Some taste testers.'
It's your money, Chuck.
But I'd say you wasted it.
That's my old chili recipe.
Humans, dogs, rats. I couldn't
get anybody to eat that stuff.
Hence my chili contest scam.
There's gotta be one
useful recipe here.
And when these dogs
let me know which one it is..
Discriminating dogs demand
Charles Choice Chow.
I'll be rich! Rich! Rich!
Oh, this is so horrible.
Terrible.
We gotta do something, Milo.
We gotta do something.
This is a job for The Mask.
[barking]
whirr
No-no. Milo, Milo, Milo.
I meant me in The Mask!
whoosh
Milo! Mi-lo?
- And, uh, you would be going..
- Inside?
bam
grrr
Oh, cheese and crackers!
What is that?
My destiny!
grrr
This is a day of reckoning.
Fate has brought
this creature to me.
Now, I must bring him down.
And when I do,
that'll be 60 bucks!
Sixty dollars?
At that price
I'll do it myself.
chomp
[screaming]
Hee-hee-hee.
Come on. Yeah, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
[snarling]
whirr
[grunting]
What are you waiting for?
whoosh
Toro! Toro!
Ole! You stinkin' milksop!
Huh?
grrr
Ha ha ha.
What are you gonna do,
little dragon?
Breathe fire?
whoosh
Aah-oh!
Why, you..
bam
Ha ha ha. I hope you can swim.
whoosh
Hey!
Uh! Aah!
Uh, aah, where did you go?
grrr
Yea-a-aow! Aa-aow!
Let go, you
stinking beast. Let go!
splatt
gulp
You? You're my destiny?
[blowing a raspberry]
Well you're catch now.
And just to make it legit,
let's loose this.
You know, I think
I'll charge 75 for you.
Any violation
of set procedures
will result
in the cited sanctions.
Yeah. Say, uh,
Josh Rooney.
What does the manual say
about aerial assaults?
Aerial assaults.
Aerial assaults.
Aerial assaults.
Hmm. Gotta
be here somewhere.
Shh.
[whispering]
Milo.
[dramatic music]
[whispering]
Milo.
Eesh! I feel sick just
looking at those cans.
And to think
I actually ate..
Ah!
Oh please. Don't let it be Milo.
Please. Please. Please.
No!
Poor little buddy.
It's all my fault.
If only I had
listened to you.
If only I had
paid more attention.
[crying]
(Willamina)
'Hey, worm!'
- Looking for somethin'?
- Milo!
whirr
[screaming]
(Stanley)
No wonder your chili stinks!
That's beside the point.
Whatever possessed you
to grind up poor, innocent
'little doggies
for your noxious chili?'
Ha ha ha.
You're not only a little worm,
you're an idiot too.
'Nobody's grinding up any dogs.'
Nobody's not?
Hah! That cheap chump Chucky's
got 'em in the back
taste testing
his new lot of dog food.
Oh. Well, that's not bad.
[growling]
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I mean, that's awful.
If his dog food's
anything like his chili
it's cruel and
unusual punishment!
Eh, you're right.
It's more humane
to grind him up.
No!
boom
[dramatic music]
slurp slurp
Walter.
You know Walter?
The brig. He was in
men's cell, block B.
I was in
women's cell, block G.
Walter, Willamina Bubask.
Wanted in 15 states.
[Milo whimpering]
Well, Milo. At least
we'll go together.
Milo, where did
you put the mask?
chomp
My turn, Milo. Okay.
Now, let go of it, buddy.
Come on, pal. Let go.
Look, I know that..
...you wanna save
those other dogs..
Yeah, but right now..
..I want to live!
I followed your
exploits for years.
Nobody does brutal
quite like you.
Ever considered a partnership?
We could pull off
a sweet series of bank hauls.
And if romance develops,
I'm open to it.
splatt
vroom
I will smite you
mercilessly, grim giant.
smack
And when I'm through doing that,
it's the efficient super-speed
gut-pummelin' that'll pinch
till you lick my boots clean.
There's a tractor pull
at the Velodrome tonight.
We can enjoy the show and then
knock over the box-office.
Ah! Amour.
The ultimate weapon!
whirr
Madame requires
a romantic atmosphere for her
huh-huh-huh, affair.
Oui? No?
whoosh
Walter, you can fit
nicely into my plans.
See, each dot is a bank,
and each bank is a push-over.
Eh, How does that
saying go again?
You can bag two goons
with one cruise missile.
(Willamina)
And look, the last bank
is at Niagara falls.
Honeymoon capital
of the world.
In case our relationship
becomes something..
Eh, uh, eh, uh.
[barking]
chomp
[laughing]
Hey, you dog!
Get away from my dogs!
thud
[barking]
No!
[dramatic music]
toing
thud thud thud
swish swish
Beautiful. I'm watching
a master at work. Aah!
Somebody stop him!
rumble
Walter!
Worry not, girl.
You obviously don't know
Walter like I know Walter.
whirr
rumble rumble
Duck and cover!
boom
You just sent
a living legend
and potential significant
other, flying out of my life!
I know. And I can appreciate
your displeasure, ma'am.
You were perfect
for each other.
Walter being a he-man
and you being a he-woman.
Excuse me a sec, won't you?
[foghorn blaring]
Hoo! Yup, that's the one.
And just to be sure..
burble burble
slurp
boom
burp
thud
clang
Water. Wa-a-ater.
thud
S-s-smokin'!
Try Mask's new
thermo-nuclear chili.
It's a regular
Tex-Mex meltdown.
(man on TV)
'Another viewer tip has helped'
'Edge City's Most Wanted nab
their one hundredth suspect.'
Wait for me, Walter.
I won't be long!
Okay, okay. You guys
were right, I was wrong.
It was your suspicion
that got us the reward
for turning in Miss Bubask.
It's not the 10,000
I was shooting for but enough
for a generous donation to the
Museum of Natural history.
chomp chomp chomp
I mean, it was the
least we could do.
winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm nouveau deco
Roman-Greco Rococo Barroco ♪
♪ Bebop hip-hop flip-flop ♪
♪ Somebody stop me ♪
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
♪ Don't come a dime a dozen
I stand out of the crowd ♪
♪ Babe when they made me
yeah they broke the mold ♪
♪ Wholesome and kind staid and
refined totally out of my mind ♪
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn
to decorate prison cells ♪
♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask see ♪
♪ Well there's one last thing
I gotta sing about ♪
♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪
♪ O-o-oh look out ♪
♪ This is The Mask ♪♪
S-s-smokin'!
[pleasant music]
[Stanley whistling]
Hey, hey.
It's your day, Milo.
What's it gonna be?
Frisbee in the park?
Maybe a visit
to the butcher shop.
Oh, no-no, I know.
A quiet day at home
drinking outta the toilet.
[grunting]
Ha-ha-ha, I love when you,
you know, you drink--
(male #1)
'Can you cook
a cheaper chili than Chucky?'
First prize
to the best tasting chili
with the cheapest ingredients.
Noon at the park,
and bring your own crock pots.
They don't call him
Cheap Chucky for nothing!
What a job.
(Stanley)
'Ten grand!'
Why, that's-that's..
...a lot of money
is what that is.
Heck, how hard
can making chili be?
'Oh come on.'
'Can't taste any worse than that
swill Cheap Chucky calls chili.'
Right, Milo?
Ah! Milo!
(female #1)
'Show some backbone,
you mangy, little cur.'
Did you think you were gonna
roam these streets forever?
Ha ha ha.
Well, think again.
Aah!
bang
What?
grrr
So, it's a toofer, huh?
Aah!
Gotcha!
[whimpering]
[snarling]
Milo, what has gotten
into you? You are a bad dog.
Don't bark
at the city official.
[whimpering]
(Stanley)
'Okay, now. Let's see.'
How can I set myself
apart from the pack here?
Yam chili.
Oh yeah, it's perfect
for the holidays.
Oh, we are gonna
be rich, Milo.
[whimpering]
Oh, come on, fella.
I've gotta get going.
Wish me luck, pal.
bam
creak
[dramatic music]
splatt
[howling]
(man on TV)
'We now return
to "Edge City's Most Wanted."'
'Where we're looking to nab'
'No-goodnik number 100,
and you can help.'
'Have you seen this woman?'
'She's escaped convict,
Willamina Bubask.'
'Wanted for dog-napping,
grand theft auto'
'and assaulting
an entire police precinct.'
Out of my way, you low-lifes.
screech
[police siren blaring]
'What the hecks is that?'
[blaring continues]
Ha ha ha.
No way, officer
or what ever you are.
Not today.
vroom
[dramatic music]
sniff sniff
slurp
Ooo-yum!
The mastodon
of the Pleistocene era
'had few natural enemies.'
'The saber-toothed tiger
among them.'
roar
chomp
crash
Is everyone ready
for Cheap Chucky's
first annual chili cook-off?
[all cheering]
Let's get started and
may the cheapest chili win.
Hi.
My name is Kiss. Ipkiss.
Double-o-nothing.
Got a license
to chili...instead.
screech
Must have lost him.
[dramatic music]
Oh, I see some very
creative cooking going on.
Yams? Oh, I wouldn't
have thought of..
burble burble
Yams and chili go.
Who is this?
Hey, there, Walter.
Awfully nice hat.
Uh, hey. Hi.
What brings you here, Walter?
Good-eats or the 10 G's?
None of the above. Okay, uh..
Where is the mask, right?
Well, the funny
thing is, Walter
I don't happen to have
it with me, uh, today.
But boy, do I wish I did.
Fifty bucks a dog
was the deal, not 40.
Well, raising the ten thou
for the contest prize
has tapped my capital.
- Listen, Chintzy-chazz.
- Uh, Cheap Chucky.
I know this contest is bogus.
I know there ain't no ten large.
And if you don't
want everyone to know--
Okay, okay.
Just meet me at the
factory in half an hour
and you'll get your money.
Welching little wimp.
[police siren blaring]
Oh, for the love of..
Oh do I double wish
I had the mask.
screech
whirr
[gasping]
Milo?
slurp
Yuck! What are you
doing here with the mask?
Bad dog. Bad dog.
'Good-good dog!'
splatt
Now you stay this time.
You got that? Stay.
splatt
huff
thud
thud
[whimpering]
[barking]
thud
This impromptu for show
makes stealing chili recipes
a whole lot easier.
As we say in the
land of the rising sun..
Aai-i-i-iee!
thwack
thud
[clamoring]
This ain't over yet, baby.
Walter on defense.
Big, tough, sleeps
with the night-light, baby.
But is he ready for a facial?
clang
thwack
splash
slurp
Not bad. Needs something.
fffff
bang
Sure. You knew
this was coming.
boom
Hot enough for you,
leather-face?
Yup, yup. The bigger they are..
boom
'...the louder they explode.'
We-e-ell, Milo.
I really busted Walt's wagon
that time, don't you think?
Don't ya, Milo?
Here boy. Milo.
[whistling]
Where are you?
Come on, boy. Come on, fella.
You in there, boy?
[whistling]
H-H-He's gone?
[crying]
Oh, gosh! I can't believe it.
I'll never forget him.
Why, of course. The little
stinker must've left a scent.
Smellementary.
sniff sniff
[dramatic music]
[barking]
screech
(The Mask)
'He-e-ere, Yeller!'
'Come on, Yeller.'
'Yeller, ol' boy!'
Can ya hear me?
Oh!
There you are.
My little huggles.
Hold on. You were
supposed to stay!
Punishment is an order.
Aw, pshawshank.
Little harsh, huh?
Yeah, well. Better leave this
to the master scolder himself.
splatt
Huh! Huh?
'What the, Milo?'
Dog catcher? Oh-oh.
Yeah, I get it.
Milo to the rescue, huh?
That was reckless. You could've
been mistaken for a stray.
What a coincidence.
The dog catcher's van
here at the chili plant.
Now why would they
bring dogs here?
[intense music]
Oh no, you don't..
gulp
Do you think..
Mother of mercy. Chili dogs!
They're making
Ground Round hound in there!
[Milo howling]
[dramatic music]
[dogs barking]
splash
ptooey
(Willamina)
'Ha ha ha.
Some taste testers.'
It's your money, Chuck.
But I'd say you wasted it.
That's my old chili recipe.
Humans, dogs, rats. I couldn't
get anybody to eat that stuff.
Hence my chili contest scam.
There's gotta be one
useful recipe here.
And when these dogs
let me know which one it is..
Discriminating dogs demand
Charles Choice Chow.
I'll be rich! Rich! Rich!
Oh, this is so horrible.
Terrible.
We gotta do something, Milo.
We gotta do something.
This is a job for The Mask.
[barking]
whirr
No-no. Milo, Milo, Milo.
I meant me in The Mask!
whoosh
Milo! Mi-lo?
- And, uh, you would be going..
- Inside?
bam
grrr
Oh, cheese and crackers!
What is that?
My destiny!
grrr
This is a day of reckoning.
Fate has brought
this creature to me.
Now, I must bring him down.
And when I do,
that'll be 60 bucks!
Sixty dollars?
At that price
I'll do it myself.
chomp
[screaming]
Hee-hee-hee.
Come on. Yeah, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
[snarling]
whirr
[grunting]
What are you waiting for?
whoosh
Toro! Toro!
Ole! You stinkin' milksop!
Huh?
grrr
Ha ha ha.
What are you gonna do,
little dragon?
Breathe fire?
whoosh
Aah-oh!
Why, you..
bam
Ha ha ha. I hope you can swim.
whoosh
Hey!
Uh! Aah!
Uh, aah, where did you go?
grrr
Yea-a-aow! Aa-aow!
Let go, you
stinking beast. Let go!
splatt
gulp
You? You're my destiny?
[blowing a raspberry]
Well you're catch now.
And just to make it legit,
let's loose this.
You know, I think
I'll charge 75 for you.
Any violation
of set procedures
will result
in the cited sanctions.
Yeah. Say, uh,
Josh Rooney.
What does the manual say
about aerial assaults?
Aerial assaults.
Aerial assaults.
Aerial assaults.
Hmm. Gotta
be here somewhere.
Shh.
[whispering]
Milo.
[dramatic music]
[whispering]
Milo.
Eesh! I feel sick just
looking at those cans.
And to think
I actually ate..
Ah!
Oh please. Don't let it be Milo.
Please. Please. Please.
No!
Poor little buddy.
It's all my fault.
If only I had
listened to you.
If only I had
paid more attention.
[crying]
(Willamina)
'Hey, worm!'
- Looking for somethin'?
- Milo!
whirr
[screaming]
(Stanley)
No wonder your chili stinks!
That's beside the point.
Whatever possessed you
to grind up poor, innocent
'little doggies
for your noxious chili?'
Ha ha ha.
You're not only a little worm,
you're an idiot too.
'Nobody's grinding up any dogs.'
Nobody's not?
Hah! That cheap chump Chucky's
got 'em in the back
taste testing
his new lot of dog food.
Oh. Well, that's not bad.
[growling]
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I mean, that's awful.
If his dog food's
anything like his chili
it's cruel and
unusual punishment!
Eh, you're right.
It's more humane
to grind him up.
No!
boom
[dramatic music]
slurp slurp
Walter.
You know Walter?
The brig. He was in
men's cell, block B.
I was in
women's cell, block G.
Walter, Willamina Bubask.
Wanted in 15 states.
[Milo whimpering]
Well, Milo. At least
we'll go together.
Milo, where did
you put the mask?
chomp
My turn, Milo. Okay.
Now, let go of it, buddy.
Come on, pal. Let go.
Look, I know that..
...you wanna save
those other dogs..
Yeah, but right now..
..I want to live!
I followed your
exploits for years.
Nobody does brutal
quite like you.
Ever considered a partnership?
We could pull off
a sweet series of bank hauls.
And if romance develops,
I'm open to it.
splatt
vroom
I will smite you
mercilessly, grim giant.
smack
And when I'm through doing that,
it's the efficient super-speed
gut-pummelin' that'll pinch
till you lick my boots clean.
There's a tractor pull
at the Velodrome tonight.
We can enjoy the show and then
knock over the box-office.
Ah! Amour.
The ultimate weapon!
whirr
Madame requires
a romantic atmosphere for her
huh-huh-huh, affair.
Oui? No?
whoosh
Walter, you can fit
nicely into my plans.
See, each dot is a bank,
and each bank is a push-over.
Eh, How does that
saying go again?
You can bag two goons
with one cruise missile.
(Willamina)
And look, the last bank
is at Niagara falls.
Honeymoon capital
of the world.
In case our relationship
becomes something..
Eh, uh, eh, uh.
[barking]
chomp
[laughing]
Hey, you dog!
Get away from my dogs!
thud
[barking]
No!
[dramatic music]
toing
thud thud thud
swish swish
Beautiful. I'm watching
a master at work. Aah!
Somebody stop him!
rumble
Walter!
Worry not, girl.
You obviously don't know
Walter like I know Walter.
whirr
rumble rumble
Duck and cover!
boom
You just sent
a living legend
and potential significant
other, flying out of my life!
I know. And I can appreciate
your displeasure, ma'am.
You were perfect
for each other.
Walter being a he-man
and you being a he-woman.
Excuse me a sec, won't you?
[foghorn blaring]
Hoo! Yup, that's the one.
And just to be sure..
burble burble
slurp
boom
burp
thud
clang
Water. Wa-a-ater.
thud
S-s-smokin'!
Try Mask's new
thermo-nuclear chili.
It's a regular
Tex-Mex meltdown.
(man on TV)
'Another viewer tip has helped'
'Edge City's Most Wanted nab
their one hundredth suspect.'
Wait for me, Walter.
I won't be long!
Okay, okay. You guys
were right, I was wrong.
It was your suspicion
that got us the reward
for turning in Miss Bubask.
It's not the 10,000
I was shooting for but enough
for a generous donation to the
Museum of Natural history.
chomp chomp chomp
I mean, it was the
least we could do.