The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - A Jewish Girl Walks Into the Apollo... - full transcript

♪ Bom, bom,
bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom,
bom, bom, bom ♪

- ♪ Mr. Sandman... ♪
- You know, when we have kids,

we're gonna have
to go home at night.

What? Who says?

The We Are Not Shitty Parents
Handbook.

That commie rag.

- Our kids are gonna be cool kids.
- Club kids.

- Daylight will hurt their eyes.
- Vampire kids.

They'll talk in slang and fall
asleep to Charlie Parker.

- Rehab kids.
- Every kid will want to be our kid.



You know, I saw Taffy and Dell's
baby the other day.

- Yeah? How was it?
- Big, loud.

Needy. Like Dell.

If his parenting skills
are anything like

his softball skills,
that kid is going down.

- A lot.
- Their nursery was beautiful, though.

They painted Babar on the
ceiling and Eloise on the walls.

- Ours will be better.
- Really?

I'm gonna get the real Babar
and shove his ass in the closet.

That won't be
too traumatizing for her.

Or him.

- What?
- We have the apartment now.

Plenty of space,
parents right upstairs,

always around to babysit...



- Always around.
- You're doing great at work.

- Money's coming in.
- Dresses are coming in faster.

You think maybe... it's time?

Hmm. I don't know.

We're close.

It might be time to get serious
about trying, though.

- Uh-huh.
- I mean really trying.

I could stay home from work
all next week and try a lot.

Every ten to 15 minutes
if you want.

Talk about chutzpah.

And we will try
till we get it right.

And I am nothing
if not a perfectionist.

Pay the check, please.

If we have to stay in that
froufrou bedroom of ours

for the next six months trying,
we will.

No food, no water,
just a whole lot of trying.

- Leave a good tip.
- I always do.

Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.

Ooh, hey, a cab.

- I'll get it.
- Did you say you're pregnant?

Midge? Are you serious?

Wait, am I the father?

It's now or never.

All the tour dates have changed,

so I need to remake
the kids' schedule.

I could have
Mrs. Moskowitz do it.

I can make the schedule
for the kids, Joel.

Okay, fine. Make the schedule.

Here's this month's money.

Now, what do we do
about Collegiate?

It's an amazing school,
and Ethan got in.

- We throw a party, right?
- Really?

- That's your answer?
- It's what we wanted.

It's what we wanted
two years ago.

- Things are different now.
- Ethan at Collegiate.

Esther at Brearley.
That was the plan.

Look, it's great he got in,
but let's face it.

Collegiate's not cheap.

And we're both working now,
and we're both working nights.

Once this club opens,
I'm fucking Dracula.

You're on tour,
and even when you get back...

What are you saying, Joel?

I think we should consider

putting him in school in Queens.

I'm sorry. I wasn't ready.

Let me get a sip of water
so I can do a proper spit take.

- Midge...
- If anything calls for a spit take,

it's the words
"school in Queens."

Collegiate's
on the Upper West Side.

No one in our family lives

- on the Upper West Side.
- Have you heard of a car?

I am gonna be at the club
every night once it opens.

Ethan starts school in fall.

Where are you in the fall?
Let me see.

My, we have discovered a flair
for the dramatic, haven't we?

Dusseldorf, Frankfurt,
Zurich, Stockholm.

Great. So, I'll take him,
you pick him up?

Joel, our children cannot go
to school in Queens.

- Why?
- Because... Queens.

- Need a little more.
- He has to go to the best school.

He has to be
with the bright kids,

or he won't live up
to his potential.

They say he's advanced.

- Ethan?
- Yes.

Our Ethan?

- Yes.
- Who says that?

- They.
- Who's they?

- Them.
- Advanced. Ethan?

They said he shows promise.

- "Promise" I can buy.
- But, Joel,

"promise" can turn into
potential at Collegiate.

If he goes to Queens U,
"promise" turns into,

"Move it, pal,
forklift coming through."

First of all, if he
gets into Queens U at five,

he's definitely advanced.

And second,
I'm not the bad guy here.

Think practically for a second.
I have to move out

of the factory soon
or it's just weird.

I should find an apartment
close to the club,

so we can put him
in a school in Chinatown

if we want him to be behind
in two languages.

His grandparents live in Queens.

Both sets. And somebody should
be with the kids at night.

You had to pick now
to open the club, right?

- Great timing.
- Hey.

Sorry about the timing,
but if you remember,

you were supposed to be in the
homestretch of your tour by now.

No one told me to add two months
so Shy could have a breakdown.

It wasn't a breakdown.
He was exhausted.

And if Ethan goes to school
in Queens

and later finds out
he got into Collegiate,

he will hold it against us.

- We won't tell him.
- Someday he will date a girl

whose father is the head
of Collegiate admissions,

and he will mention
that they were

very disappointed that we didn't

put him in when he got accepted,

and then we won't be invited
to the wedding.

How's he gonna meet this girl?
He'll be in Queens.

He'll go into the city.

- We won't let him.
- He'll find a way.

We won't tell him
there's a city.

You don't think he's gonna know
there's a city?

- Won't he read?
- He goes to school in Queens.

Odds are fifty-fifty.

Do you think this bit
is helping things?

I don't want to fight.

I want him to go
to Collegiate, too.

I want him to be
with the advanced kids.

But I can't afford it,
and we don't live there anymore.

We don't have
to decide this now.

Shit. I have to...

So do I.

- Oh, listen, I need a favor.
- Hmm?

Talk to Imogene for Archie.

The guy's drowning,
and she just won't melt.

- He's still at your place?
- Yes.

He's driving everybody crazy.

Plus, he's an insurance hazard.

There's not a pole in the place
he hasn't slammed into.

What's she still so mad about?
Did he...

No, no.
He's done nothing, I swear.

He said to tell Imogene
he misses her,

and they can go to the Poconos
every year for Christmas

if she'll just let him
come home. Please?

Okay. I'll talk to her.

But I'm gonna leave
the Poconos out for now.

Archie has suffered enough.

It's 11:15 in the morning

here in New York City.
1010 WINS.

And here are The Crew-Cuts
with "Sh-Boom."

♪ Oh, life could be a dream ♪

I didn't pay. Sorry.

Here.

I'm gonna be a father!

♪ I'm the only one
that you love ♪

♪ Life could be a dream,
sweetheart. ♪

"One rarely sees anything
as mystifying

"as the production of Miss Julie

"that took place last night
at the Barrymore Theatre.

"The experience was almost as if
McSorley's closed early

"and its inebriated patrons
wandered over,

"found a copy
of Strindberg's play,

dropped their pants
and defecated on it."

"The performance was so debased

"that one could
almost recommend it

"as an archeological exploration

"into the decay
of modern society.

"However,
despite the braying jackasses

"delighting in Ms. Lennon's
bizarre improvisations,

"this production of Miss Julie
will be closing tonight,

one night after it opened."

- Jackie.
- What?

You think I don't already know
this shit?

Shut the fuck up.

They say there is no bad press.

That in your hand
is some grade A bad press.

All right, fuckers. This is it.

Washington Square Park
is to the left

if you give a shit.

Hot water's out again.

I'm gonna go check
the water heater.

Jesus, nobody wants to leave
this apartment?

Hello.

Hey, Suz. Listen, I have
something I need to tell you.

A-Are you sitting down?

Yeah.

Mom's dead.

Oh, Jesus. You scared me
for a minute, Tess.

Didn't need to be sitting
for that. What happened?

- Her liver strangle her in her sleep?
- No.

She tried to crawl out of
the window of the nursing home

to go find some booze,
and she fell.

- Shit.
- Three stories.

Fuck. Bad way to go.

No. No, she survived the fall,

but then she rolled off the dock
into the water.

- So she drowned?
- No. She was dog-paddling

back to the docks
and got hit by a boat.

Holy Christ.

But she survived that.
They got her out,

took her to a hospital,
and she got an infection.

I'm sorry, is she dead yet?

Yep. Choked on the meds.

Well, lady sure knew
how to make an exit.

Now we got to figure out
the house.

I don't really give a shit
about that hellhole,

- to be perfectly honest.
- You know, she left it to us.

What? I-Impossible.

I'm going over her will.
It says,

"The house goes to the girls,
'cause my piece of shit son

looks and smells
just like his father."

Boy, she really hated Artie.

Remember
when she tried to convince him

he wasn't really hers

and he should go find
his real family?

He was gone for a whole week.

Yeah. That was fun.

All right, look, I got to go.
Uh, we'll figure something out.

- Drink something, and I'll call you later.
- Yeah.

Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester

there's no hot water
and no hot water heater?

Fuck, no.

At the Button Club, gentlemen,
we will be known

as the spot
with the best drinks,

the best bartenders,
the best entertainment.

Anyone who waters down the
goods, they hit the pavement.

Anyone skims from the till,
they hit the pavement.

I ordered five minutes ago.
Why am I not drinking yet?

Last... crate.

Uh-huh.

Hey, has Midge talked
to Imogene yet?

I haven't heard anything,
and I don't want to call her

if she hasn't,
because when I call...

she hangs up.

And it's a real hang-up,

like a "bam," Midwestern
dairy farmer type slam.

It's terrifying.

- Joel?
- What?

Midge? Imogene?

Oh. I don't know.

Hey, would you mind holding down
the fort for a few minutes?

I just want to make sure
the fuse box is secure

so we don't have
any surprise blackouts.

Sure. Mm.

- Excuse me, could you...
- I'm married!

- I just had a question...
- I love my wife!

Mm-hmm.

I want to go home.

Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted you all to know

that my club will be opening
a week from today,

and you're all invited.

There's gonna be good drinks,
ambiance, music,

so come on down.

Or up, actually.

Oh, and, uh, I was hoping

that maybe someone
could get a message to Mei Lin?

I haven't seen her for a while.

We, um, had a fight.

You don't need to hear
the details, but I was an idiot.

I tried to call her,
but the number she gave me

isn't hers anymore
or was never hers.

I don't know her address.

I know she's in medical school,
but I don't know which one.

Actually, I don't really know
anything about her.

Except...
she's got these great eyes.

And she's smart and funny.

She's incredibly mysterious,
which is frustrating...

and a little sexy.

I'm sure you're all thinking,

"How could he know so little
about the person he's dating?"

It's strange.

Clearly, she doesn't want me
to know a lot about her life,

and, frankly, my life's
been a mess this past year,

so I wasn't too eager
to share, either.

I was married,
and I cheated on my wife,

which is not something you want
to tell your new girlfriend.

Not that she's my girlfriend.

I don't know what she is.

Anyhow, if you could let her
know all this, I'd be grateful.

This opening
is a pretty big deal for me,

and it won't be the same
if she's not there.

Oh, and really stress
that eyes thing.

I think she'll like that.

Thanks.

- Goulash.
- Thank you, Zelda.

- Sour cream.
- Thank you, Zelda.

Noodles.
Don't forget the noodles.

Thank you, Zelda.
Do you see a pattern here?

- What time is it?
- 7:36.

- Four minutes left on my break.
- Hmm.

What, Moishe?

Oh, nothing.

I know you said the written word
can change the world.

Well, I just looked outside,

and so far,
it's exactly the same.

- Oh, boy.
- You know, Abe,

when my father came over here
from the old country,

he wanted a little goat farm.

Who knows why.

The man was convinced
goats were the future.

We lived in a tenement
on Rivington...

12 people, two rooms...
and yet this man wanted goats.

He pushed a cart.
He sold pickles.

But he wanted goats.

- You got to pass the noodles. Quickly.
- In the end,

the man dies out on a sidewalk,
pickle in his hand,

nothing in his pocket.

No goats.

Is there a point, Moishe?

Really? He'd stopped.
It was over.

Sometimes what you want,
what you get...

two very different things.

Don't worry, though.
I am on the lookout.

The minute I see
that the world is changing,

you'll be the first to know.

But for now,
your goat is a pickle.

- Zelda?
- Oh, I have to go. See you tomorrow.

- Zelda!
- He's right.

He's never right.

I don't know what I thought
was going to happen

- with that article.
- It's only been a week.

You know what the op-ed
in the Times is about today?

The explosion of the deer
population on Staten Island.

Oh, Abe.

Lubricious, fornicating deer.

What should be done?

You cannot let Moishe
get in your head.

I absolutely forbid it.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Getting excited over an article,

like I won
an honorary fireman's badge

in elementary school.

I've made a decision, Rose.

- Mm.
- I am going to tutor.

- Tutor what?
- Idiots. The city's teeming with them.

Toss a rock, hit an idiot.

I'll tutor, I'll coach,
I'll substitute teach.

Anything. This stops now.

I am going to get serious,

and I am going to get us out
of this house.

It's 7:39 in the evening,

and the world
is still exactly the same.

♪ When you touch my hand
and talk sweet talk ♪

♪ I got a knockin' in my knees
and a wobble in my walk ♪

♪ And I'm tremblin' ♪

♪ And I'm shakin' ♪

Holy shit, it's a nightclub.

You did it, pal.

You think those ceiling tiles
are gonna stay up?

I used every roll of Scotch tape
I could steal from the office,

so... hope so?

Thanks, Archie. Really.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

No, you could've.

But you would've had
to buy the tape.

How do I look?
Do I look like I'm in charge?

Mrs. Moskowitz
looks like she's in charge.

Yep. I should've worn a brooch.

Attracting
quite a crowd here tonight.

♪ Comes over me ♪

Excuse me a minute.

♪ And I'm sweatin' ♪

♪ And I'm shakin' ♪

- I see you got my message.
- I did.

Apparently you said
something weird about my eyes.

You look beautiful tonight.

- I brought you something.
- Oh, yeah?

Little opening night gift.

♪ And I'm shakin' ♪

'Cause you're gonna run out.

♪ Feel like I've been run
through the mill ♪

♪ I can't move around,
and I can't stand still ♪

- I missed you.
- Well, remember that next time you're an idiot.

Ah, so they told you
I was an idiot.

I did not need to be told.

♪ Samson was a mighty good man ♪

You will do anything
for a roll of toilet paper.

♪ Strongest in his day ♪

♪ Then along came Delilah
and clipped his wig ♪

♪ And it looks like you took me
the same old way ♪

♪ So I'm nervous ♪

♪ And I'm shakin' ♪

Mrs. Maisel.

My goodness.
This is a surprise.

Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz.

- Good turnout, huh?
- It is.

Mr. Maisel worked very hard
on the place.

I'm so proud of him.

Oh, it's a $1.50 cover charge.

Eh, we'll catch you
on the way out, Grandma.

Oh, dear. I'm afraid
that's not going to work.

But luckily, my nephew plays
Triple-A ball for the Yankees.

He's a wonderful coach.

- I'll be at the bar.
- Philly!

That one's on the house.

♪ Shakin' ♪

Oh, no. That's a nickel, dear.

Oh, sorry.

♪ Shakin', shakin', shakin' ♪

♪ Shakin', yeah. ♪

Thanks, everyone.

We'll be back
after a short break.

Come with me.

What? Where?

Midge, you're here.

Of course I'm here.
You think I'd miss this?

Thank you, really.

I'd like you to meet someone.

Mei, this is my ex-wife, Midge.

Midge, I'd like you to meet Mei.

- You were married?
- What?

You didn't tell her
you were married?

No, I did.

Of course I did.

You knew that I was married.

- Nope.
- Yes.

Wow, Joel. Wow.

Now, hold on just a second here.

I absolute...

Shit.

Just a momentary problem, folks.

Can you just give me one second?

Man, I just bought a drink.

I'm fixing it. Relax.

- Archie.
- I love my wife!

Oh, coming.

I knew he was married.

- I figured you did.
- Good bluff.

Back at you.

So, you're the girlfriend.

And you're the wife.

I'm going to be a doctor.

I'm gonna play the Apollo.

Music!

Natives are getting restless.

Excuse me.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, I'm Midge Maisel.

Mrs. Maisel onstage.

Hey, thanks.

I haven't played my hometown
for a while.

I've been touring
with Shy Baldwin

for a few months, so...

Nice to know that people
haven't forgotten me.

You haven't forgotten me.

My kids have completely
forgotten me.

They've gotten very jaded

having a mother
in show business.

I-I showed up the other day.

My daughter pointed
to her diaper and said,

"Sweetie, would you get this?"

Then she lit her cigarette,

refilled her daiquiri bottle
and fired her agent.

And now both her parents
are in the biz.

Oh, yeah.

This is what happens
when you leave.

Remember the first time?

In case you don't know,
this club is owned

by my again soon to be
ex-husband, Joel Maisel.

And I am here tonight to say...

that half's mine.

I'm kidding.

Always take the side
with the bathroom.

- Joel is a great father.
- Aw.

And I just wanted to get up here
and tell him that,

because we had a little tiff
earlier this week about our son.

Our five-year-old
just got into Collegiate,

and it costs so much,
we have to sell him for parts

to get the tuition.

My daughter is watching
this process very nervously.

It's so hard to raise kids
when you're married.

It's really hard to raise kids
when you're divorced.

But it's not that hard
to raise them

- when their dad's a great guy.
- Aw.

But, Joel,
there's no fucking way

our kids are going
to school in Queens.

I'll burn this fucking place
to the ground.

Have a great time, everybody.

And drink up.
All proceeds go to Collegiate.

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ Mama, mama ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

- Sorry.
- ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ You can try hard ♪

- ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪
- ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪

- ♪ Take it easy ♪
- ♪ Breezy ♪

♪ Then your jive will swing ♪

♪ Oh, it ain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

Hello, Bernice.

I've missed you.

Hi.

Hello, girls.

Hi.

Manny.
You on a break again?

How do you define "break"?

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the way that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ Mama, mama ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪

♪ It's the time that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ ♪

Paulette, hi.

- Have you seen Moishe?
- Over there.

He's over there.

Do you notice anything,
anything at all?

Just throw it out there.

- They don't match.
- They do not match.

So, you see,
you would need to find

a very specific person
to wear these sleeves, right?

A person whose...

- Arms don't match?
- Exactly.

Now, I am not saying
that this person does not exist,

but the market is probably
small, so why don't we...

Make the sleeves match.

You should be
running this place.

Hello, Moishe.

Well, well, well, Miriam.

This is a surprise.

I was just in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd drop in.

- What did he do?
- Who?

- My son.
- Nothing.

I just came here to talk
a little business.

- With me?
- Yes.

You need a dress?

Always, but that's not
why I'm here.

I want to buy my apartment.

- I'm sorry?
- Do you still own it?

- Your apartment?
- Yes.

The apartment I bought

for you and Joel...
that apartment?

That's the one.

- I do.
- How much?

- Explain.
- Well, as you know,

my career's really
taking off now.

- Your career as what?
- As a comedian.

But you can't tell a joke.
We tried that. It didn't work.

Be that as it may, I have been
working steadily for a year now.

I have a chunk of
a down payment already saved.

I have not spent a dime
of my earnings.

My manager has been holding
onto all of my money,

so I assure you,
none of it is going to hats.

Are you and Joel
getting back together?

No, we are not.

Then why do you want
the apartment?

For me.

For my kids.

For my family.

Hold on.
By "family," you mean...

Mama and Papa will stay with me
until they're settled.

You have officially
piqued my interest.

What do you think?

Does Joel know about this?

Moishe, this is not about Joel.

This is about me.

I want to decide
where my children grow up

and where they go to school.

I love that apartment.

I want to own it.

I want to buy it with my money
that I earned.

Do you have any collateral?

My contract with Shy Baldwin.

It lays out everything.

Six months in Europe,
a variety special in spring,

a Christmas special in December,

both with guaranteed
spots for me.

Christmas special,
like with Bob Hope?

Yes, but without Bob Hope.

Bob Hope does great specials.

This will be a great special,
just without Bob Hope.

If it's a Christmas special,
it should really have Bob Hope.

What do you think, Moishe?

I want you to know that I never
liked what my son did to you.

You were a good girl.

I will never understand
what was going through his head.

I don't want any favors, Moishe.
I don't want pity.

I don't expect you to sell
the apartment to me cheap

- just because I'm family.
- But it would be nice.

Well, sure. I mean, your son
did dump me, and I am family.

Okay, that was a little funny.

So... Moishe...

what do you say?

60 seconds to go
in the fourth round.

The usual?

There's no way
Patterson's gonna win.

Not too much, now.

I want it to look clean
and cool, like Miles.

Your hair looks the same whether
he makes it clean and cool

or he closes his eyes
and hacks away.

Like Miles...

Shut up, Billy.

You're a jealous old man.

Yeah. I'm the jealous old man

who's paying for these haircuts.

Yeah, well... Touché.

If I tell him to stop right now,
you'll have half a head done.

Good. That's good.

I look good.

Don't I look good?!

Hey, Susie, what's happening?

- Patterson's going down.
- That was not the question.

But it's gonna be the outcome.

Stop moving
so the man can finish.

What kind of rush are you in?

There's nothing up there
for him to cut.

There is grooming to be done.

I'm not an animal like you.

Susie!

Ingo's a Viking.
Vikings win.

That's why you see so many
Vikings walking around nowadays.

I got five bucks
says the Viking goes down.

- You're on.
- I got ten that says he doesn't.

Ingo will kill Patterson again.

Eat him and shit out
his leg whole.

Wow. You do talk pretty.

- I'll take that bet.
- You already bet me ten.

- I can bet more than one person.
- With whose paycheck?

Hey, ladies, can we get a little
quiet in the beauty parlor?

There's a goddamn fight on.

- Smoke this.
- Why? Did we fuck?

You know,
you are a very tense person.

I just thought when you said we
were gonna listen to the fight,

that we were gonna, you know,
listen to the fight.

And catch up before the tour.

So, Susie Myerson
and Associates...

Is your client ready?

We're having a conversation now?

- Is she ready?
- Yeah.

She'll be shopping right up
until curtain, but, yeah.

She's ready.

So, what happened with you
and Sophie Lennon?

Nothing.
I made a bad call.

- It won't happen again.
- Sure, it will.

I've been there.

- Remember Nate Green?
- Who?

I thought he was gonna set
the world on fire.

Instead, he set
a liquor store on fire.

I still take him smokes
in Attica once a month.

- Shit.
- Yeah, you live, you learn.

But you and Midge,
you're getting along?

Yeah. Considering
she's gonna make me rich,

we're getting along fine.

She's gonna make you rich?

Have you read your new contract?

It's just the beginning, pal.
You'll see.

There is no one like her
in the world.

She's like my dirty, sparkly,
good fucking fairy.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

You really believe in this girl.

Aren't I supposed to?

- Smells like trouble.
- Why?

Just means
you can't be objective.

Oh, believe me,
I can be objective.

- Mm.
- I know when she sucks.

I know when she's an asshole,

or dressed like
a mental patient.

She's incredibly
high maintenance.

I had to learn how to
sew on sequins in the dark.

She's always late.

You got to feed her
every two hours

like a fucking parking meter.

Shit. I can't get Shy
to eat anything.

That boy exists on coffee,
gin and compliments.

I don't know how
he has the energy.

He's always been like that.

Flashy, jumpy.

But he can sing.

Like no one else in the world.

That's objectively speaking,
right?

Yeah.

It's a strange job, managing
another person's career.

You think you're so important,

and then suddenly,
you're running around Utah

looking for the kind
of toothpaste Shy likes.

Who the fuck listens to Shy
in Utah?

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not complaining.

There's good times
and bad times.

When Shy's first record
went gold...

that was a good time.

It's nice when they shine.

You get to share in that,
shine a little yourself.

But then
when they do bad things,

and then you do bad things...

- What bad things?
- Things you don't want to do.

But you have to.

You hate it.
You do it.

And then you get paid.

Oh, shit!
I do not believe this!

- What? Don't believe what?
- Patterson knocked out the Viking.

What? He what?

Fifth round. Left hook.

- Boom!
- Sent him to Valhalla.

The man still hasn't gotten up.

Why are you so happy?
You just lost.

You gotta admire
a job well done.

Okay, Henry, now you won,
and I owe you this debt,

but I am still in charge
of the rest of your life,

so this next moment
will officially define

our relationship.

You don't have to pay me.

- It's fine.
- Excellent definition.

Nothing beats fear
when it comes to gambling.

You okay?

You look like you're on a plane.

Yeah. I'm just...

I mean, he had him in round two.
He had him.

Ah... Susie lost some money!

How much you lose?

Come on, I lost, too.

I mean, I didn't have to pay,
but I still lost.

How much did you lose?

Hey! How much did Susie lose?

Don't look at me.

Come on, who'd you bet with?

I'll take care of it.

Who'd you bet with?

It's not a big deal.

How much did you lose?

I'm good.

Susie, how much did you lose?

I'm fine.

I have a meeting.
I have to go.

Hey, we won big.

Let me borrow some
so I can pay him.

Somebody used the fondue pot

for something other
than fondue.

Now, I'm not saying it was you,
but it was fucking you.

Hey, you okay?

Rose.

Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, I'm dying.

Dying.

- Do you need this?
- Why, no.

Good.

You'll never believe it.

I can't believe it.
No one around me can believe it.

Slow down, Corinne.
You'll bite your tongue.

- It worked.
- What worked?

- Shira, my daughter, is engaged.
- What?

To the veterinarian.

One date.
That's all it took.

When she told me,
I was so stunned

that I agreed to pay
for a wedding in Hawaii.

Hawaii.

Who the hell do we know in Hawaii?

No one.
Who cares?

She wants grass skirts and
ukuleles and I'm not arguing.

She's getting married.

Wait.
Sit there.

For you.

A token of my gratitude.

Your Steuben glassware...

I noticed you always
admired them when you came over.

- I can't.
- I insist.

They must be worth a fortune.

Do you know what I would've paid
to see my daughter married off?

Anything.

Here, take my wedding ring.

No. The glasses are plenty.

I have been crowing
all over the neighborhood.

Bragging.

I told Judy Kramer
that it was all your idea

and she asked for your number.

- Why?
- Her daughter.

You know,
the tall one with the face?

Oh, yes.
Poor thing.

To look like that and be tall
enough for everyone to see.

Well, she was working in Toronto
for a few months.

She just came back... gorgeous.

- What?
- Stunning. No idea.

Only now, she has
an ugly girl's personality

in a pretty girl's body,
and everybody is confused.

- Well, that can be tricky.
- Like Hedy Lamarr,

- but she falls a lot.
- Well, she's not used to heels.

Judy doesn't know what to do
with her, and she thought,

with your matchmaking skills,
you could help.

I told her, of course
you could help. Word of Shira

has swept the garden club
like wildfire.

My goodness.

You are going to be a busy lady.

Okay.

I saw you.

You have the glasses.
I have to go.

- What's poi?
- I don't know.

I'll figure it out.
You're a genius.

Thank you for the glasses.

I may actually have
a grandchild.

That's worth more than
all the glasses in the world.

You sure
you don't want the ring?

- I'm sure.
- Okay.

See you later, Rose.

See you later.

Dr. Thomas to Intensive Care.

Morning, Donna.
I know I'm behind,

but there's a very good
explana... Oh, boy.

Rose. Again.
What a nice surprise. Again.

Benjamin,
have I got a girl for you.

- A...
- Judy Kramer's daughter.

- Judy who?
- Judy Kramer.

- Your mother knows her. Anyhow.
- Oh, good.

Her daughter... very bright,
like you; very tall, like you.

She used to look terrible,
but now she's beautiful,

though still very clumsy,
which I think will work nicely

because it's a little weird.
Get it? Weird?

Rose, it is very sweet of you
to think about this,

- but really, I'm doing just...
- Miriam doesn't have to be

the last girl for you.
I was right once.

- I can be right again.
- Rose, I promise you, I'm fine.

- You know, you won't be this handsome forever.
- Well,

I have a painting in my attic
that would prove otherwise.

See? Clever.
Judy's daughter's clever, too.

I know I'm right about this.

Rose, I really have to get back
to... bleeding people.

Oh, okay. We don't have
to decide this right now, but...

Excuse me.

Here. You'll know where
to find me when you're ready.

Don't wait too long to be happy.

♪ ♪

Taxi!

Hey, asshole.

Oh...

Excuse me, sir.

Did you throw a tomato at me?

If you did,
I assume it was an accident,

and I'm willing
to accept an apology.

I... apologize.

- Rose.
- Oh, my! Abe.

You scared the living daylights
out of me.

What on earth?

What happened to you?

The most wonderful thing.

Wonderful?
Your nose is bleeding.

A man threw a tomato at me.

- He what?
- Three tomatoes, actually.

He threw three tomatoes at me
point blank.

- Abe...
- I gave him a chance to apologize.

- He didn't take it, so I pushed him.
- You what?

I physically put my two hands
on his chest and pushed him.

And then, he pushed me back,
so I pushed him back.

And then he pushed me back,
and before I knew it,

we were fighting!
Well, sort of.

It was more of a freeform
grapple than actual fisticuffs,

but we scuffled like dandies,
and fell in the street.

We almost got hit
by a garbage truck,

but it was going very slowly,

so we managed
to roll out of the way.

Abe, this is terrible. You were
assaulted by a stranger.

No, Rose, not a stranger.

David Merrick.

David Merrick?
Who is that, a gangster?

Kind of.
He's a Broadway producer.

And, Rose... he read it.

David Merrick read my piece,
and he despised it.

His assistants, too.

They pushed me around a little,
as well.

They hate me.

They all absolutely hate me.

Well, terrific.

Don't you understand?

My piece... it got to them.

My words incited theater people,

people who make a living
sitting down.

It incited them to get up

and commit an act
of physical violence!

Abe, I think this must have been
a very underripe tomato,

and it hit you in the head.
You are possibly concussed.

No. Rose, it was a perfectly
ripe, beautiful tomato.

It would have made
a wonderful salad.

And instead,
it was meant for me.

Can I please take you
to the doctor?

Moishe was wrong.

His father should have opened
that goat farm.

And the written word...
it's going to change the world.

Here we go, Rosie.

Moishe! Buy a goat!

The world is changing!

Don't come in here!

- I'm not wearing pants.
- Pants be damned.

Well, this is lovely, isn't it?

Perfect weather,
like out of a movie.

And in this movie, what does
the spunky brunette want to talk

to the little blonde dish about?

What do you mean?

The brunette just wanted to
spend time with the dish, and...

- Archie wants to come home.
- Oh, I knew it.

Imogene, he's dying.
Give him a break.

You know, when we first
started dating,

Archie would sit outside
my house for hours.

The police never arrested him
because, you know, he's Archie.

- He looks like a choirboy. He was a choirboy.
- Oh.

He's got a lovely baritone,
by the way.

But they would shoo him off.

And the next day,
he'd be right back there,

sitting in the tree
next to my bedroom window.

Romantic.
With just a hint of creepy.

I thought
he'd be in my tree forever.

He will be.

Imogene, really, do you honestly
think that Archie would...

Stay out every night doing God
knows what with God knows who?

He was painting walls and
sanding floorboards with Joel.

Oh, is that what
they're calling it these days?

- Imogene...
- Painting walls.

- Seriously...
- Sanding floorboards.

- Okay.
- He wasn't fixing up Joel's club.

He was imagining what it would
be like to not have a family,

to not have three children,
to not be married to me.

That's what he was doing
every night, with Joel.

Okay, maybe for a moment,
but, Imogene, he is miserable.

He wants nothing more
than to come home.

I would not be standing here
saying this

if I did not believe it
with my whole heart.

- Really?
- Yes.

You, who had her husband
walk out on her,

who saw her whole life
blow up in her face,

you honestly believe
that if I let him come back,

all will be well,
and nothing like what happened

to you will ever happen to me?

Yes, Imogene, I absolutely do.

Okay.

♪ Fish in the sea ♪

♪ You know how I feel ♪

♪ River running free ♪

♪ You know how I feel ♪

♪ Blossom on the tree ♪

♪ You know how I feel ♪

♪ It's a new dawn ♪

♪ It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new life ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ And I'm feeling good... ♪

My name is Imogene Cleary.

We're not open yet.

Hi.

Hello.

- Nice club.
- Thanks.

Doesn't smell like
anyone's pissed in it yet.

- Oh, they have.
- Okay.

- Can I come in?
- Uh...

It's important.

Okay. Sure, come on in.

You okay?
Your eyes are...

Oh, yeah.
I have, uh, bird allergies.

Could I maybe have a drink?

Okay. You want a beer?

Beer. Sure.

Actually, could I have
something stronger?

Thanks.

Could I have another one?

You want to start a tab?

So, you got my attention.

Yeah. Okay.

So, I know you are not a friend.

We barely know each other.

We've talked what,
three times ever? Once civil.

- Eh...
- Okay, never civil, but...

I need you
to do something for me.

I need you
to take care of Midge's money.

I need you to get the checks,
put them in a bank.

- Whoa.
- Keep track of what's there,

what she's owed,
what she spends.

- What are you talking about?
- I can steer her career.

I've got that down, and I am
gonna make her a very big star.

But the money...

I need you
to protect it from now on.

- From what?
- From me.

- Susie...
- I will

send the checks to you directly
as soon as I get 'em.

- Susie...
- Maybe I should just have

Shy's people get it
to you directly.

Cut out the middleman... me.

Cut out me. Yeah,
that's probably the best idea.

- Susie...
- I'll transfer all the money that she's made so far.

Every penny. I just need
a little time to get it all...

organized,
but I will get it to you,

and then, once a week,
I will send you a check.

Or they will send you a check.
Once a week,

- someone will send you a check.
- Hold on.

So... thanks for the drinks.

Mm.

- We'll talk more later.
- Susie, stop.

You can't just come in here
like that.

I mean, why? Why me?

There's business managers
and accountants

and a lot of other people
who are trained to do this.

I mean, hell,
Shy must have a team of people

- you could ask to...
- 'Cause you love her!

You'll always be in love
with her.

You won't let anything bad
happen to her, ever.

It has to be you.

Just let me tell her, okay?

What, that I'll love her
forever?

No, about the money. She knows
the other shit. Everybody does.

I'm only gonna say this once,
so pay attention... thank you.

The first moment
I saw Midge Maisel,

I thought, "That is one
red-hot cocktail waitress."

French-restaurant-level
cocktail waitress.

When I found out
she was a comic,

you could have knocked me over
with a feather.

I would've preferred a mallet.

Yeah, and now she's scored
a tour with Shy Baldwin.

Knife in my heart right here.

While I still think she'd make
a red-hot cocktail waitress...

I'd definitely exceed
my two-drink minimum.

She has since proven
a good sport,

a tough competitor,

the best-smelling person
in a club.

Not that that's hard.

I can honestly say,
from the bottom of my heart,

fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.

- Oh. Fuck you...
- Oh.

Fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you.
I'm trying not to cry.

Go out there and show 'em
how it's done.

Because, if you fail,
no one will ever let you forget.

Yeah, that wasn't a joke.

Well, it's gonna sound like
a cliché, but what the hell.

- How dare you.
- Benjamin.

- Yes. Good guess.
- Wha... What are you doing here?

When you want to find a penguin,
you head to the North Pole.

You want to do this sitting here
surrounded

by your flunkies like you're
the poor man's Rat Pack, or...?

What? I... No.

No. I...

You don't see I have to move?

- Oh, oh, uh...
- Are you gonna?

- Should I get up, or...?
- I'm not blocking her.

There she goes.

Okay.

Sorry.

Hi. How are you?

- That's funny.
- No, I mean...

Don't worry about the small
talk. This won't take long.

- It wasn't small.
- I let you off easy, didn't I?

- I...
- You sent me a "Dear John" letter...

unproofed, by the way...
and I didn't chase you down,

I didn't call you,
I didn't show up at your door

demanding an explanation, did I?

- No.
- That's right, no.

I let you slink off
into the night,

like a goddamn
Damon Runyon character.

I figure if that's the way
you wanted it,

I wasn't gonna beg you
for an explanation,

an explanation I was absolutely
entitled to, by the way.

Yes. You were.
I am so sorry.

I handled the whole
thing with dignity, grace.

I handled it all very calmly.

I handle things very calmly.
I don't get mad.

I can't get mad. When you're
really tall, you can't get mad.

You can't pace around
and wave your arms in the air

and raise your voice,
because people get scared. See?

Look around. See? That's what
people look like when

you're really tall
and really mad.

I look like an angry building!

So I stay calm...
all the goddamn time.

But this time...

Oh.

This time,
you have pushed me too far.

What did I do?
I mean, besides...

I work in a hospital, Miriam.
I perform surgery.

I hold really sharp tools
that I cut people open with.

And if I cut them open
incorrectly, they tend to die.

And that's where you chose
to send your mother

- to fix me up with another girl?!
- What?

- Are you insane?
- Benjamin, I swear,

I had no idea
she was gonna do that.

Bullshit, Miriam.
You feel guilty.

So, you decided
to get me settled

so you don't have
to feel bad anymore.

Well, fuck that.

You don't get a say
in what happens to me.

You feel like a louse?
Too bad. Live with it.

Benjamin, please,
can we just sit and talk?

Please?

Thank you.

Oh, you're going
to have to start.

Right.

Sorry.

Benjamin, I owe you the
biggest apology in the world.

I am totally and completely
ashamed of myself.

I never pegged you for a coward.

That letter...
that was a coward's move.

I know it was.

I don't understand.

What happened?

I explained it all
in the letter.

I stopped reading the letter
after the words

"I can't marry you."

- Oh.
- That kind of gave the end away.

You know, it's funny,
I... can stand onstage

and say all sorts
of uncomfortable,

embarrassing personal things.

But the thought of standing
in front of you,

telling you...

I just... couldn't.

So I wrote a letter.

Like a coward.

But you have to understand,

when I accepted your proposal,
I was fed up with stand-up.

I was thinking of quitting.

I thought maybe comedy was just
a phase, and I could get married

and hop down to the Gaslight
once or twice a week, do a set,

like a bowling league
with better shoes.

I thought
maybe that could be enough.

And then Shy Baldwin called.

And a lightning bolt
went through me.

I just... knew.

This was it
for the rest of my life.

No turning back.

- And I knew that would be a problem.
- How?

- How what?
- How did you know it was going to be a problem?

- Oh, Benjamin, come on.
- Come on, what?

I talk about my life onstage.

My whole life.

I talk about my parents
and my children,

and my relationships
and my failures,

and everyone else's failures,

and my girdle and my sex life.

- I have seen you onstage.
- Twice.

You've seen me twice.

It would be different
if we were married.

It would be constant.

You wouldn't be able
to handle it.

- Oh, really?
- My stand-up was the reason that Joel and I...

- I am not Joel.
- I know.

I got two feet on the guy alone.

- You are both men.
- What the hell does that mean?

- Proud men. Strong men.
- Did you ask?

Did you ever say,
"Hey, Benjamin,

if I constantly talk about you
onstage, is that a problem?"

- No, I didn't.
- That's right.

You didn't even
give me a chance.

You left me out
of the equation altogether.

I would have been on the road.

We would have been separated
a lot.

And the coming back together
would've been sensational.

Please don't go.

You broke my heart, Miriam.

Do not send your mother again.

You never even got
to see the ring.

It was spectacular, by the way.

I have no doubt.

Oh, yes, Anya.

And your youngest girl, Leslie,

is she still single?

Oh, she is. Good.

And is there
any specific reason why?

Well, has she tried bangs?

Oh. How unfortunate.

Well, there must be
some wonderful man out there

just waiting
for someone like Leslie.

And she turns 30 when?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no,
there's plenty of time.

Don't you worry.

Mama! Where are you?

In the meantime,
I will put my thinking cap on.

Hang up.

Anya, I have to go,

but I will call you soon.

Being on the road
has made you extremely rude.

I cannot believe
you went to Benjamin.

- Miriam...
- To his work. His work.

Well, I wasn't gonna accost him
in the street.

And you went to his work to try
and set him up with a girl.

Am I getting the story right?
Because I really want

to get the story right
before I tell you

how incredibly out of line
it was.

Keep your voice down.

Do you know how hard
it must've been for him

when I backed out
of the wedding?

- I'm assuming it wasn't easy.
- And you had the gall,

the hubris, the insensitivity

to go down there and drag him
back into that all over again?

This was none of your business.

This was between Benjamin
and me.

No one asked you
to get in the middle.

I know he didn't.

I'm not gonna be talked to
like this by my own daughter.

You know what,
I am sorry, Mama.

I'm sorry
that you are so disappointed

in how my life turned out.

I'm sorry that you can't
understand the turn it's taken.

I have certainly tried
to explain it to you,

to include you in it,

but you don't want to understand
or be included.

You just want
to be disappointed.

I'm sorry that I am a comedian

and that you can't watch me
onstage

and that you still think
I'm a prostitute.

I'm sorry that Joel left me
and blew up my life,

but he did.

He left.

He blew up my life.

I did not want that to happen.

But it did happen,

and I had to do something
about it.

And one of these days, you
are gonna have to acknowledge

that this is the new reality.

That I am,
for the first time in my life,

taking charge of my own destiny,

just like Joel is in charge
of his life and so is Benjamin.

Maybe you need to get a life
of your own

and you can stop trying
to manipulate the lives

of those around you.

You're right.

I don't understand
what your life is

or why you do what you do.

And, yes,
I do feel that comedy

and prostitution
are one and the same.

And, no, I don't know
how to explain it to my friends

or my rabbi.
I don't know how to explain

that my daughter
leaves her children

to travel around with a tiny
part-time plumber in a hat.

I don't understand
why it's funny

to talk about your parents
onstage,

why it's fun
to hear people laugh

at their mistakes
and misfortune.

But there is one area where you
and I are in perfect agreement:

how precarious a woman's life is

when it's dependent
on the whims of a man.

That is a lesson I have
also learned the hard way.

Your father blew up
my life, too.

He took everything away
in the blink of an eye,

and now it's up to me
to get it back.

And that is exactly what
I intend to do.

Now,

if you'll excuse me.

Bernice,

Rose Weissman here.

Left field question,

is your son
still clinically blind?

Wonderful.

30 seconds, ladies.

♪ And I'm feeling good ♪

♪ Feeling good... ♪

Am I late?
I thought I was on time.

There was
a last-minute shoe issue.

The color was different
in different light,

so I had to make sure
I was prepared.

Brought an extra pair,
but they hurt my feet

and I walk a little funny,
which might be fun

since I'm a comic, right?
Worked for Chaplin.

But I didn't think
it added that much time to...

Yep, I'm late.
Well, la-di-da.

- It's fine.
- I'm excited.

The Apollo, right?

Hey, you read the sign.

Look, I, uh, have a thing
I need to take care of tonight.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

It's a bullshit family thing,
but I want it taken care of

before we go,
so I may have to miss your set.

It's 'cause I wore
the wrong shoes, right?

Yes. So if I don't talk
to you before,

I will meet you at the airport
tomorrow night.

Okay.

You're gonna be great.

There is no other option.

You bet your ass. Tits up?

Tits up.

Don't be late
for the fucking plane.

I'm never late. Ooh.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

All right, young man.

♪ ♪

Ah. Good. Eat this.

- What is it?
- Oatmeal cookie.

Why do you have
the world's entire supply?

People make this stuff for Shy
because he goes around saying

these are his favorite foods.

They are not his favorite foods.

In fact, he never even touches
the damn stuff,

and then I have to...
Thelma!

Darling, you look wonderful!

You give these date bars
to Shy, now.

I will. I will.

- Eat these.
- Just throw them out.

You do that, someone sees
and Harlem burns.

Marla Mae!

This is my sister's girl, Lorna.

You make sure she meets Shy.

You know I will.

- Just wait over there, sweetheart.
- Okay.

Appetizers?

The ladies in the neighborhood

also want to marry Shy off.

I'm sorry, am I in temple?

I'm gonna say hi to Shy.

Do not bother him too long.

He has vocalizing to do.

He cannot be rusty tonight.

Hometown crowds...
they love you the most,

but they also give you
the most shit

when you aren't
on your best game.

Oh, I know. If I step up
to my butcher counter

and I haven't decided
four or six lamb chops,

I get eviscerated.

I wind up getting cube steak
out of pure intimidation.

Yeah, it's nothing like that,
but thanks for sharing.

Hey, have another cookie.

- Sorry, pal.
- Shit.

Ella! Are those your meatloaf
sandwiches I see there?

- Yes.
- Mmm!

Oh, so that's where you've been
for the last two months.

Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy!

Mr. Baldwin,
you look like a million bucks.

Oh, no,
my price has gone way up.

Oh.

Back up, now.
Let me see that dress.

I thought
I'd go understated today,

try to blend in.

In that? Nice try.

It's so good to see you.

You, too.

Get yourself some champagne.

You want some?

Not before the show.

You know, I tried
to call you a few times,

but you got that housekeeper,
General Patton.

Yes. You'd think after helping
save the world from Hitler,

he could get a better gig.

Bet you can bounce a quarter
off your bed

when he makes it though.

So, tell me
what you've been up to.

Well, I've been living
in Queens.

Doing some radio work.

Got paid in feminine products
and pancake syrup.

My nephew had his bris.

He had his what?

It's where they cut off
your penis

and then we all eat deli.

It's time for both of us
to get back on the road.

Wow.

Someone's killing.

Must be Moms.

Moms... Mabley?

Are you serious?

Where you going?

Moms Mabley's onstage.

Shy Baldwin's right here.

What happened to our reunion?

Well, you look good,
you feel good,

you liked my dress.
You need some tea?

- I got some tea.
- See ya.

You are a fickle girl.

I've been called so much worse.

They even said I was prejudiced.

I'm not prejudiced.

I'm not.

But I don't like no old man.

I don't give a damn
what color he is.

Yeah.

Moms likes 'em young, baby.

What about it?

Can't no old man
do nothing for me

but bring me a message
from a young man.

That's all he can do.

I don't want nothing old
but some old money.

I married an old man

when I was nothing but a child.

Nothing but a child.

15 years old.

- That ain't right.
- That was the curse back in my day.

You had to marry who
your parents picked out for you.

My daddy picked out
this old man,

old man.

My daddy liked him.

My daddy should've married him.

They say

you shouldn't say nothing
about the dead unless it's good.

He's dead.

That's good.

One weekend, I say to him,

I say, "Why don't we go out
to the country?"

You know anything
about the country?"

- He says...
- "Sure",

"I-I know about the country.

"When-when I was a young boy,

I used to live in the country."

I said,
"When you was a young boy,

everybody lived
in the country."

Geez.

That's not intimidating at all.

And she's as sweet as pie,
to boot.

And thank you, Lord!

I'm talking to people
who know what I'm talking 'bout.

The great Moms
Mabley, ladies and gentlemen.

That's the way it's done.

I wish you'd told me that
before Dayton.

Could've saved
a whole bunch of time.

- Excuse me.
- And now please welcome

- the Silver Belles.
- Excuse me.

Go see if there's any
of that Shy food left over.

I'm starving.

Excuse me. Moms?

I mean, Mrs.-Mrs. Moms.
Miss Moms. Moms Mabley. Ma'am.

I don't know what to call you,
but I am a really big fan.

Well, a really big fan
might know what to call me.

I actually saw you in Chicago.

We only played one night there,
and, technically, I was supposed

to be at the theater in case
Shy called me back up for a bit,

which he does sometimes
but not a lot...

Uh-huh.
Get me a chair, honey.

I think this is gonna take a while.

But I snuck out, because you
were playing Mister Kelly's,

and I'd also never seen
Mister Kelly's.

So, anyhow, I went.

You were great then, too.

What is your name, sweetheart?

Midge Maisel.
Mrs. Maisel, actually.

- Tha-That's my stage name.
- Wait a minute,

you're Mrs. Maisel?

- Yes.
- Are you kidding me?

This is the girl opening
for Shy tonight.

She's the one
that got your spot.

- I did?
- Yes, you did.

- Marcus.
- She's Moms Mabley.

You really think
she should be opening for you?

She's not opening for me.
I'm opening for Shy.

You got the prime spot,
Shirley Temple.

You can't read a program?

I didn't know
there was a program.

I'm gonna talk to Shy.

I'm gonna really talk to Shy.

- Oh, Marcus, hush now.
- It's not right.

Who the hell is
this little white girl anyhow?

Oh, Marcus, you back off now.

That audience out there is gonna
give her a tough enough time

without you in her face.

It was nice meeting you,
Mrs. Maisel.

Welcome to the Apollo.

Oh. Good.

Eat this.

What's the matter?

Nothing.
Do you have a program?

- A what?
- Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie?

'Cause Shy
ain't gonna open for you.

Do you think this is
the right crowd for me?

Well, it's the crowd you got,
so let's hope so.

I don't know.
I don't know.

- Midge.
- They loved Moms.

I shouldn't be on
after Moms Mabley.

They're gonna hate me for that.

Oh. You been talking to Marcus?

He called me a white girl.

- Wow. Low blow.
- He's right.

There's royalty
on this stage tonight.

I'm-I'm not ready for this.
I haven't earned it.

It doesn't matter
if you earned it. It's here.

You got to do it.

I'm nervous.

I'm never nervous,

but, right now,
I am really, really nervous.

Where the hell is Susie?

She had a family thing to do.

Tonight?

I shouldn't go out there.

This is a very important show
for Shy.

It's a comeback show.

If I fail, it could look
really bad for him.

Then don't fail.

I am gonna fail.

Now look at me.

Yes, that's gonna be
a tough crowd.

They will love you
or they will hate you,

and they will let you know
their verdict immediately.

And maybe you should cut back

on the Jewish brisket talk
a little.

You know Shy.
They know Shy.

Get out there
and talk about Shy.

I'm not following.

You're great at riffing.
I've seen you do it.

Shy is like family
to these people.

They want to hear stories
about him.

Stories about the road,
late-night craziness,

gossip, tantrums...
they love that sort of shit.

You want me to talk
about Shy on the road?

- Yep.
- Shy.

Yes. It's not something
you should do anywhere else,

but here, in Harlem,
his hometown,

they'll eat it up.

You calm now?

- No.
- Good.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Thank you, Reggie.

You really want to thank me?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage,

her first time at the Apollo,

Mrs. Maisel.

Tits up.

Oh, no.

Whoa.

You all look like
you've just seen a ghost.

Yes. Yes, I know.

After this,
I'm heading to LaGuardia

to help land some planes.

Now, before we get any further,

- who made this?
- I made that!

Me.

It looks like mine.

Mmm.

Unbelievable.

- Fried in oil? Ah.
- Lard!

You ever use schmaltz?

Same heart attack,
different afterlife.

Mmm.

So...

Shy Baldwin.

Oh! You've heard of him.

He's pretty great, huh?

You know where we met?

In the ladies' room.

No, seriously, we did.

At a charity event.
I mean, picture it.

This pretty, dainty,
elegant thing,

primping in the mirror,

and there I was,
right next to him.

Ooh!

How do you compete
with those cheekbones?

Those Ava Gardner cheekbones.

The man is so gorgeous

that Arthur Miller's
sniffing around him.

He's the only person I know

gorgeous enough to play
Romeo and Juliet.

So I've been hanging out
with Shy on tour,

and I discovered that
all he has to do is sing.

He has a guy
for everything else.

Well...

just about everything else.

No, he pretty much has a guy
for everything else.

You see 'em on the road,

his guys, falling over
themselves outside his door.

"Whatever you need, Shy."
"Let me tuck you in, Shy."

"Let me get that makeup
off your collar, Shy."

Don't be scandalized, it's his.

We were on the road a while,
and coming back to New York,

I was a half a day
on a plane, a train,

a bus, a cab, a rickshaw.

Shy comes home,
he doesn't need a plane.

He doesn't need a train.

He just puts on
his Judy Garland shoes,

clicks his heels together
three times and says,

"There's no place like Harlem.
There's no place like Harlem."

And his closet?

It's enormous.

It has a doorbell.

I went in there once,
at a party. Amazing.

With the silks and the satins,
the chiffons,

the chenilles...
these aren't girl groups,

these are his clothes.

Hey.

Who made this?

Mm, yeah.

I-I'm not actually a comedian,
I just came here to eat.

Mm-hmm.

Shy takes Cleopatra milk baths!

Actually,
I have no idea if that's true,

but it feels true, right?

Boy, it went up a lot
faster than I thought it would.

60 years of
Southern Comfort in that floor

probably sped up the process.

It's almost beautiful
like this, isn't it?

- No.
- Yeah.

So...

this gonna get you
out of your hole?

Well... the insurance will cover

Midge's portion
of the money I lost.

- That's what's important.
- What about you?

I don't need much.

Hey, Tess...

thanks for committing
a felony with me.

Thanks for making sure

I never have to sleep
in that house again.

Though I still wish
you would have waited

till Skint was in there
to light it up.

It was tempting, I got to admit.

You know,
you can just leave him.

Setting him on fire
would have been easier.

You got to do something, Tess.

You shouldn't be miserable
forever.

Yeah.

Well...

bye, Mom.

Hope it's better where you are.

Hey, where is she,
by the way? Mortuary, or...?

Shit. I forgot to ask.

I'll call tomorrow.

I think that's how she
would have wanted it.

She's gone,
and we have no idea where.

Hmm.

Hold on, my mouth is full.

Oh, now you're just adding

your own punch lines.

Well, this has been
the biggest honor of my life.

To stand here at the Apollo
and eat on the same stage

that Moms Mabley killed on
just moments ago.

Thank you, Shy Baldwin.

And speaking of Shy Baldwin...

He clearly doesn't need
an introduction,

but here it is anyhow.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,

the fabulous Shy Baldwin!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want somebody ♪

♪ To hold my hand ♪

♪ Somebody to love me ♪

♪ And understand ♪

♪ I want a woman ♪

♪ I want a lover ♪

♪ I want a friend ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ I want somebody ♪

♪ To share my love ♪

♪ 'Cause loving is something ♪

- ♪ Come on and hold me tight ♪
- ♪ I got plenty of ♪

♪ Bring me your love tonight ♪

♪ I want a woman ♪

♪ I want a lover ♪

♪ He wants a lover ♪

♪ I want a friend ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I don't want a fancy gal ♪

♪ With powder and paint ♪

♪ I don't want a woman ♪

♪ Who thinks she's a saint ♪

♪ I'm looking for someone ♪

♪ Who's not make-believe ♪

♪ And doesn't mind giving ♪

♪ That she may receive ♪

♪ There must be somebody ♪

♪ Somewhere around... ♪

I have to tell you, Mrs.
Maisel,

the staff is really excited
about your moving back in.

- We've missed you.
- I've missed you, too, Antonio.

Now, technically,
I'm not supposed to let you in

until the first of the month,
but it's you, so...

It's our secret. I promise.

Okay. Well,
I'll leave you to it.

Uh, take your time.

I'll come back and lock up
when you're done.

Bye, Antonio.

♪ It's very clear ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

♪ Not for a year ♪

♪ But ever and a day ♪

♪ The radio ♪

♪ And the telephone ♪

♪ And the movies ♪

♪ That we know ♪

♪ May just be passing fancies ♪

♪ And in time may go ♪

Welcome home.

♪ But oh, my dear ♪

♪ Love is here to stay ♪

♪ Together we're... ♪

Take the big trunks first!

Those go on the bottom!

Is my hatbox down there?

- Which hatbox?
- The hatbox with the yellow hat.

- Which yellow hat?
- Off the lawn!

Do not walk on the lawn!
That's new lawn!

Miriam!
You have two meters running.

Two meters!

Do not walk on the plants!

Do not under any circumstances
touch that tree.

I've been putting boxes
in the car for an hour,

and it's not getting
any smaller.

It's nice to have a soundtrack.

I can't find the yellow hat!

Abe, answer the phone.

Why am I always answering
the phone in this house?

- It's not my house.
- I found the yellow hat,

- but I need another hatbox.
- Take these.

I can say with certain authority

you do not need another hatbox.

- Take my hatbox!
- Mama, can I take your hatbox?

- Am I still answering the phone?
- Yes.

- Yes!
- Two cabs, two meters. -Hello?

- Two horns honking.
- You're from where? The Village what?

- I'll take care of the honking.
- I can't hear you.

I live in a lunatic asylum.
I'll take this in the kitchen.

- I'll take it in the kitchen!
- Okay, I'm ready.

- She's coming!
- I want to say goodbye to the kids.

You already said goodbye
to the kids.

That was just the first goodbye.

Ethan went to play with the
little boy across the street.

Why'd you let him do that?
I wanted to say goodbye.

- You already said goodbye.
- Mama.

We put all the trunks
in the car except one.

How important is the one
labeled "bows"?

Back to square one, Charlie!

Where the hell are you?!

- They're gonna turn the meters back on.
- No, they're not.

I want to say goodbye
to the kids.

Ethan, Mommy's leaving!

Well, you'll never get him
that way.

Ethan!
Get your butt back here now!

- Mommy's leaving.
- Shut up!

I miss all the new words.

Say a new word for Mommy.
Say "kitty."

- She can't say kitty.
- Say "doggy."

- She can't say doggy.
- Say something, kid.

- You'll give her a complex.
- Me?

You're the one who
has her doing leg lifts.

- That was someone from The Village Voice.
- What?

- It's a newspaper.
- We don't need a subscription.

- They were not selling subscriptions.
- Come on, Esther, one new word.

- One new word for Mommy.
- He wants me to be their theater critic.

- You can't demand a word.
It doesn't work like that. - "Ball."

- Wh-What did you say?
- "Door."

- They want me to be their
theater critic. - "Hat."

- I have to go talk to them right now.
- "Bell."

I found Ethan!

"Martini, extra dry."

Get out here, say goodbye,
and get in the cab.

I give up.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.

I'll call you when I get there.

- I'll call when I get there.
- They want you to do what?

Miriam!
Call when you get there.

Abe, did you say theater critic?

You're kidding. Two cabs?

Seems like more than it is.

How? Is the third cab invisible?

I'm so excited.

Why does your hat smell
like a barbecue?

Is this all your luggage?

Yeah. We may need
a second plane.

- Hold on a second.
- Hey, Reggie.

- So the second cab's a joke.
- It's not a joke.

It's a hilarious fuckin' joke.

There's been a change of plans.

You two are not
getting on the plane.

Seriously, she can leave
half the shit here.

I cannot leave it here.

It has nothing to do
with the luggage.

You're not going on tour.

What? Why not?

- Shy changed his mind.
- What do you mean?

He doesn't want you
to open for him anymore.

But... I-I don't understand.

- We just got a new contract.
- Contract is void.

- What does that mean?
- You didn't sign it. It's void.

Shy dropped me because
I didn't sign the contract?

- I was gonna sign the contract.
- It has nothing to do with the contract.

Then why?

Your act last night.

My act last night went great.

It's what you said in your act.

What did you say in your act?

I talked about Shy.

You said a lot about Shy.

- You told me to do that.
- Personal shit.

What kind of personal shit?

Reggie, you said go out there
and talk about Shy.

- I know.
- You said he was their family, that they knew all about him.

I know. But I didn't know that
you knew all about him.

Knew what about him?

Why's everyone talking in code?

I made some jokes.

Some jokes that hit
too close to home.

But I-I didn't hit home.

I was at least two houses down.

Shy knew what you were saying.
That's all that mattered.

- What did you say about Shy?
- Reggie,

I thought I was doing
what you told me to do.

- Please, just let me talk to Shy.
- No.

I have to tell him this was
a big misunderstanding.

- He doesn't want to talk to you.
- Then you tell him.

Tell him you told me to
go out there and do that.

I am not gonna do that.

- Why not?
- Midge, Shy is my boy.

I'm supposed to protect him.

I'm not gonna tell him
I sent some girl up there

to tell the world that he's...
what he is.

- What is he?!
- Please, they were jokes.

"Judy Garland shoes"?

Oh.

Oh... shit!

Reggie, this can't happen.

I mean, me and Shy,
we're friends.

You are not friends.

You were on tour together,
and now you're not.

- Susie.
- Hey, Reggie, please.

This was obviously
a big-ass breach here,

but there's gotta be
something we can do.

Anything.
I don't care what it is.

I mean, we'll cut our rate.

We'll do the Christmas show
for nothing.

I will iron your fuckin'
jockey shorts.

- Just please, please don't do this.
- I'm sorry.

Fuck sorry. Come on!

Susie, you're gonna be

right where I am someday.

You'll see.

Susie?

It's okay.

We're gonna be okay.

♪ ♪

♪ As I walk through ♪

♪ This wicked world ♪

♪ Searchin' for light ♪

♪ In the darkness of insanity ♪

♪ I ask myself ♪

♪ Is all hope lost? ♪

♪ Is there only pain
and hatred ♪

♪ And misery? ♪

♪ And each time I feel
like this inside ♪

♪ There's one thing
I wanna know ♪

♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪

♪ And understanding? ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪

♪ And understanding? ♪

♪ And as I walked on ♪

♪ Through troubled times ♪

♪ My spirit gets
so downhearted ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ So where are the strong? ♪

♪ And who are the trusted? ♪

♪ And where is the harmony? ♪

♪ Sweet harmony ♪

♪ 'Cause each time I feel it
slippin' away ♪

♪ Just makes me wanna cry ♪

♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪

♪ And understanding? ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪

♪ And understanding? ♪