The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Marvelous Radio - full transcript
Midge and Susie head back to NYC and hustle for work. Abe is elated when someone publishes a piece he wrote. The Maisels gather for the bris of Astrid's baby.
- Miriam!
- Ah!
- There's a man on the phone.
- What man? Who is it?
A mean man, an angry man.
He says if you're not
on the subway in ten minutes,
- you'll be late.
- What time is it?
"Get her ass
on that fuckin' subway!"
- And that's one of the nicer things he said to me.
- Tell him I'm coming.
- What am I, your secretary?
- I'm coming!
- Who's in the bathroom?!
- And he thought I was a man.
- Moishe, get out of the bathroom!
- Why in the world
would he think I was a man?
I'm coming, Susie,
I'm coming!
I will be on time, I promise!
Susie? Who would
name a boy Susie?
Hands! Elbow! Foot!
Lox? Hands!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Excuse me! Coming through!
Morning.
- Right on time.
- Told ya.
- Morning, guys.
- Hi, Irene.
Let's get a mic check.
Mic check.
Uno, dos. Uno, dos.
Good for me, Dickie.
Let's do it.
Take it from the top, Midge.
- Housewife?
- What else? -Rolling.
"Paramus Ford has
the best deals in town."
"They're so good that even
I can understand the savings...
and I'm a woman!"
Perfecto. Next.
"With its natural mildness
and gorgeous aftertaste,
"more expectant mothers
prefer Pall Mall cigarettes
over any other brand."
- Can they prove that?
- No idea. Next.
"Run to buy hosiery
that never runs,
at B. Altman's nylon sale.
Ends Thursday."
I used to work at B. Altman.
Don't care. Next.
"Bell Brothers Shoes
is opening a brand-new"
"Staten Island location,
and we're opening with a bang."
Holy fuck!
- Sorry.
- No one told me about balloons.
That is seriously
fucked up, Dickie!
A little warning next time!
The big balloon next to her head
wasn't a tip-off?
- I'm gonna need a minute.
- She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie.
This is very upsetting!
Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.
- Great job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Sign here.
- Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested?
We'll take it.
Five bucks, we can retire now.
This game is piecework.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
- Let's go.
- Later, guys.
See you at 12:30.
And don't be late!
Come on.
- Ooh!
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Hey!
Studio B!
Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.
Nice and punctual.
Here's the script.
Thank you, sir.
It's a spot for a business
in the Bronx.
- I'm playing a four-year-old girl?
- Guess so.
Why didn't you just get
a four-year-old girl?
They can't read.
Check the mic.
One-two,
one-two, I'm a little girl.
There's my next source
of nightmares.
So it's just you today.
We fill in the dad part later.
- Got it.
- Rolling.
"Look at that. I want it."
Sounds good. Next line?
"It's so big, Daddy."
Wait.
- What.
- Is this pornography?
- It's not pornography.
- Sounds like pornography.
It's not pornography.
Keep going, from the last line.
"It's so big, Daddy.
I want to lick it."
This is pornography.
- Definitely pornography.
- No, no, look,
she's a kid out with her dad,
he's buying her
an ice cream bar.
- At a cathouse.
- Not at a cathouse.
- This is pornography.
- It's not pornography!
Hey, that's my competition!
It's piecework, Dickie.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
12:30, don't forget.
- Hands.
- Belt buckle.
- Breath.
- Heel.
- Tuna fish?
- Elbow.
- Hat.
- Cab?
- Cab.
- Fart.
Hands.
Hey, keep it running.
Wait for us.
"Soft and
gentle, so comfortable",
"and so easy to carry.
"A month's supply fits easily
into your purse.
"So try Pursettes, ladies.
No one will ever know
who came to visit."
Well done.
- Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're very welcome.
- Thanks, Susie.
- All I need is the check.
The check?
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
- I'll get the door.
- I'll get the door.
You told everybody
these things were easy to carry.
Hey!
For the record,
they said nothing
about paying us in tampons.
A lifetime supply.
Would they do this
to a man, huh?
Would they pay him whatever a
tampon equivalent is for a guy?
Men don't even have
a tampon equivalent. Men suck.
Got enough to get
the Rockettes to menopause.
I'll make it work. These things
must have a street value.
You are not selling tampons
on the street.
I'll do what I got to do.
Downtown, driver.
- I'm starving.
- Sorry.
- Food.
- Later.
Look out!
- Oh!
- Coming through.
Midge, this is Pete Drummond.
He owns Pete's Mortuary Services
in Brooklyn,
and this is Mrs. Drummond.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Drummond,
Mrs. Drummond.
- Likewise.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, I assume you're past
the point of needing these?
Pete wrote the spot.
I'll let him fill you in
on what he's looking for.
Wonderful.
It's a husband and wife dealing
with the death of a loved one.
It's such a sensitive matter,
and the performances need
to reflect that sensitivity.
Absolutely.
It's the most sensitive matter
there is.
- Let's try one.
- Rolling.
Any time, guys.
"Dad's dead."
I am so sorry.
- This isn't funny.
- I know, it just weirdly
struck me as funny.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shall we try it again, Midge?
- Absolutely.
"Dad's dead,
and he was my hero."
"Mine, too. What do we do?
It's such a confusing time."
"Let's call
Pete's Mortuary Services."
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad."
I'm sorry,
is this not supposed
to be funny?
It's not supposed
to be funny, Midge.
It's about a man
who's passed away.
I'm sorry. This is
so disrespectful. I'm good.
- Let's try again.
- Just take it from the last couple lines.
Still rolling.
"Let's call Pete's
Mortuary Services."
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad."
"And they'll come to you,
wherever you are."
"It's such a comfort
"to know that Dad will...
Rest in Pete's."
Let's take five.
Hey!
Door, door, door, door,
door, door, door.
"Ladies, stay fit and trim
the easy way,
with amphetamines,
the pleasantest way to reduce."
And cut. Great job, Midge.
Hey, you got any?
- Food?
- Food.
This week we're on par to make
about what we made last week,
- 35 bucks or so.
- Not bad.
Gross. Net, food and cabs
ate up half of that.
What're you looking at me for?
You eat, too.
- No more cabs.
- Susie.
They're eating up our profits.
It was your idea
to take a cab today.
And it was a bad idea.
No more cabs.
Without cabs, I show up
looking gross and sweaty.
It's fucking radio.
It doesn't matter how you look.
But I'll feel bad, and if I feel
bad, it'll show up in my voice.
Okay, but we cannot
lose money doing this.
This is supposed to sustain us
until we go back out on tour.
- Hopefully, that'll be soon.
- Mm.
What a time for Shy Baldwin
to get "exhaustion."
The guy doesn't even
tie his own fucking shoes,
- how exhausted can he be?
- I don't know.
- Pressures of stardom, I guess.
- It's been two months.
He should be rested by now.
We need ketchup. Be right back.
Saturday, nickel on the Tigers,
a dime each on the Cards
and the Reds.
- Cards and the Reds?
- Yeah.
You know they're
playing each other.
- I know.
- You're betting against yourself.
- I got a system.
- Everyone's got a system.
Mine works. I got to go.
- Come on.
- What happened to the ketchup?
I changed my mind.
Grab it to go.
♪ ♪
"Parker makes a girl-sized pen
for my girl-sized hands."
Got it.
"The flowers at Fleishman's
are never droopy.
Trust me, she expects you
to get fresh."
Got it.
"Toffenetti's is the cathedral
of restaurants.
We're famous for our ham."
- Got it.
- You're done, Midge.
We didn't want to leave
the theater. Nobody did.
We floated home,
like dandelions,
just floating across
the East River.
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
We were just telling
your parents
about a wonderful show
we saw last night.
- Bye Bye Birdie. You seen it?
- Heard of it.
It's spectacular, a masterpiece.
So many wonderful melodies,
and they just keep
running through my head.
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-di,
la-di-dah... ♪
I don't think
that's one of them,
but it does have
some nice tunes.
- It sounds very nice.
- And that actress,
- Chita Rivera.
- Oh, Moishe.
Good thing I wear my pants loose
in the crotch. Know what I mean?
- Unfortunately.
- Probably not your cup of tea,
though, right, Abe?
Bye Bye Birdie?
I know nothing
about the show, Moishe.
Yes, but I know you,
and I know you wouldn't like
Bye Bye Birdie
because Bye Bye Birdie
is entertaining.
- I know nothing about the show.
- Well, it's a masterpiece.
I'm sure it's
a piece of something.
Tonight, we go to a movie,
it's supposed to be cute,
Where The Boys Are.
I'll tell you
where the boys are.
Attached to the thing
that was saluting
Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie
last night.
You guys are hitting the town
a lot these days.
Well, it's always nice
to venture out,
what with
the close quarters here.
We'll be out of your hair soon,
Moishe, I promise.
I will be, too, Moishe,
it really is just temporary.
Look, we're fine
with what's happening here.
We're family, but your father,
he's being stubborn.
I offered to put key money up
for an apartment for them,
but he wouldn't hear of it.
We don't need
your money, Moishe.
You just fired
your maid of 20 years
and you cried when you did it.
I saw you cry.
I don't need your money
because I just completed
my Abe and Rose
"End of Days" calculations.
Now that they're done,
we can find a place,
get Zelda back part-time,
and we'll be fine.
I'm afraid to ask.
He's worked so hard on this.
Explain it, Abe.
It's quite simple: I've added up
our projected pension
and social security payments,
matched them to our expenses,
adjusted for inflation, and
calculated the numbers of years
your mother and I get to live.
Get to live?
- For me, it's the age of 67.
- But you're 62, so...
- I have to die in five years.
- This is morbid.
I get to live till I'm 69,
assuming I don't get hit
by a bus.
Now, obviously, if I die early,
say at age 65,
then those two years
can be added to your mother's.
- So I'll get to live till I'm 71.
- Either which way,
- I need to be dead by 1965.
- Mm.
Need any help...
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-dah ♪
♪ La-di-di-dah... ♪
Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.
- What did I do to deserve this?
- What did you do?
I was able to reach you
after offering them
to six other people
who turned me down.
I'm touched, really.
Hey, there he is.
I heard you were camping here.
- Just for the time being, Donny.
- Time being?
- I heard two months.
- But he's at home all the time.
For the kids.
I'm there to put them to bed,
I am there when they wake up,
I am there for every meal,
even snacks.
It's just when Imogene goes to
bed, I come here and go to bed.
With Joel? That's weird.
Not in his bed. In that bed.
With Ethan? That's weirder.
Not when Ethan's here.
When he's here,
I lay out fabric on the floor
and make a pillow
out of bolts of cloth.
- That's weird, too.
- I can't keep explaining it, Donny.
They're gonna patch it up
any day, Don.
- That's the point.
- Any day.
I hope so 'cause it's weird.
Got to pick up charcoal
for our barbecue this weekend.
- See you tonight, Joel.
- Yeah, see you, Arch.
In case you were wondering, this
is why you were my seventh call.
Uh, Joel.
- What happened?
- He walked headfirst into the pipe.
It was sitting there
plain as day where it always is,
and he walked right into it.
- How hard you hit?
- Am I dead?
- No.
- Then not hard enough.
- Come on, let's stand you up.
- I didn't do anything.
- What?
- The night she kicked me out.
You were there, I did nothing.
And not just 'cause
you socked me in the face.
- I know, Arch.
- I love her, Joel.
I love Imogene so much.
I miss her.
Well, have you told her?
It's so cold between us.
I can't.
- It'll change.
- She was my first.
- There's never been anyone else.
- Never?
- Never.
- That's weird.
- Can you help in some way?
- I'll get some water.
- She'll come around.
- She won't.
- She will. She misses you, too.
- Did you talk to her? Did Midge?
No, but of course she does.
- I'll see you tonight.
- See you tonight.
After I read the kids a story.
I'll make us some tea.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- Good morning, Chester.
- Sounded like you slept well.
- Was I snoring?
- Or asphyxiating.
Either way, I liked it.
How would you like
your eggs today, Chester?
Raw.
Okay, Jackie, first, how the
fuck you figured subletting
to another person while
I was gone was appropriate,
I don't know.
Second, you sub-sublet to a guy
- who's practically stalking me.
- He didn't say he knew you.
Thought it would be
a deal breaker. Crisscross.
Hello?
I'm excited.
Sophie, hi.
Not as excited as I was
for that ménage à trois
with Vincent Price
and Ethel Merman, but close.
Lovely.
- Open your door.
- Open my door?
I've sent you a token.
- Jackie, open the door.
- I think you'll like them.
I hunted and hunted and
finally found the perfect pair.
- Holy shit.
- What is it?
Fucking birds.
We got the birds.
- This is a no-pet household.
- Shh.
The birds sing, as you have
given me the gift of song.
Allowing my voice
to soar freely.
It really wasn't necessary.
- It's not fair if she gets to keep them.
- I'll deal with this.
Look, Chester had a cat,
but I wouldn't allow it,
and he couldn't find someone
to take it,
so he had to drown it
in the Hudson.
Did you read Walter Winchell
last night?
About the buzz surrounding
Miss Julie?
No. Uh, that's great.
- He said there's buzz?
- Oh...
I don't know why it took me this
long to trod the boards again.
You are the real thing, Sophie.
You came through.
As did you, my little bird.
I'll see you at the opening,
and we'll take
that bow together.
And by "we," I mean me.
See you at the opening. Bye.
I'm going to the opening
of Miss Julie, too.
You fucking are not.
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
♪ To come home to ♪
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
♪ By the fire ♪
♪ While the breeze ♪
♪ On high ♪
♪ Sang a lullaby ♪
♪ You'd be all... ♪
Oh, look at that.
- What.
- There, on the floor.
- Is that a dollar?
- I think it is.
You don't see that every day.
Poor sap's gonna miss it when
he realizes he doesn't have it.
I don't know,
it's only a dollar.
Yeah, it's only a dollar.
59th Street...
This is me.
See you back at the asylum.
Hurry, before the door closes.
Your tea, Mrs. Weissman,
and an apricot rugelach
on the house.
You remembered.
Thank you, Darla.
You're not in as much as before,
Mrs. Weissman.
Yes, well, we decided
to give up our apartment.
So big, so drafty.
So now we're in a wonderful
house in Forest Hills.
Do you know it?
That's Queens, isn't it?
Yes, it's Queens.
Here, Darla.
I'll pay now, so you can
go about your tasks.
- I'll bring your change.
- Thank you.
Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.
Oh, hello, Corinne. How are you?
- I'm well. And you?
- Astrid had her baby.
- Boy or girl?
- His bris is tomorrow.
Mazel tov.
When was the last time
we saw each other?
Not since
the Benjamin debacle.
Oh, they came so close.
Yes, so close.
Boy, were we all stunned.
Benjamin Ettenberg,
the Holy Grail of bachelors,
head over heels in love.
So quickly:
marriage, a townhouse.
A townhouse? For him and Miriam?
Big enough for a family.
So gorgeous.
I didn't know.
Well, maybe Miriam
didn't know, either.
- Oh, I just feel so foolish.
- Why?
I was the one who pushed
the two of them together.
- Such a stupid thing.
- Stupid? Please.
- After your track record?
- What track record?
Remember,
you put the Heifetz boy
with the Feinstein girl?
Just suggested it at canasta,
- and now they have three kids.
- That was one time.
In the Catskills,
you told Sara Halpern
to dance with Mel Kleinman,
and now they're married
with one on the way.
The list goes on and on.
Really, Corinne, they're all
just shots in the dark.
Well, then you're the
Annie Oakley of matchmaking.
If you could only help my Shira.
She's still on the market?
- She's day-old bread.
- Oh, Corinne.
Well, what can you do?
At least there'll be someone
to look after me in my old age.
It was nice to see you, Rose.
Say hello to Abe?
I will.
- The butcher's boy.
- Beg pardon?
- Melvin Goldfarb.
- He was studying law.
Then he turned
to veterinary medicine.
I didn't know.
And your daughter
has all those cats.
Six, and a dog,
and a pot-bellied pig.
You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.
Corinne?
How many floors
to Benjamin's townhouse?
Four, at least, and a yard,
and now it's on the market,
discounted.
So gorgeous. Bye, Rose.
Buh-bye.
Simon!
Simon!
Hello.
I got to go.
Simon!
Simon, wait.
Simon!
Excuse me.
Simon, wait!
It's me, Abe.
Wait!
Simon!
It's Abe Weissman! Wait!
Simon! Simon! Simon!
Abe.
- What a surprise.
- Hello, Simon.
I thought I'd never
catch up to you.
You're in very good shape.
I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you?
Nothing. I was just taking
a stroll around campus
for old times' sake
and I happened to spot you.
Lucky me.
- How's the family?
- There he is. That's him.
Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.
- And, uh, your wife?
- Sir?
- She's well?
- Uh, sure.
We should get together,
- the four of us.
- We should, we really should.
Before 1965, if possible.
I really have to go now, Abe.
I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.
Hello.
Bye.
All right, then, gang.
Now let's roll up our sleeves
and see if we can tackle
these vector identities.
Abbie,
why are you working out
this section
with a Levi-Civita symbol?
Let us in on your
methodology here.
Hello, everyone.
Professor Weissman.
- Hello, Professor Weissman.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.
- I just wanted to stop by.
- But not to teach?
That's right, not to teach.
So good to see all of you.
How are you doing?
Truman, you look well.
Your complexion, it's so clear.
I've been sleeping
wonderfully since...
well, I last saw you.
Good to hear.
Sleep is very important.
- And Kevin.
- Lance.
- You're holding yourself well.
- I'm taking boxing lessons.
- Really?
- So that no one will ever pick on me again.
Wonderful. I wouldn't want
anyone to do that.
And Abbie, you're still here?
- Y-Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, these are great boys,
Professor.
They all deserve
their place here,
all but six.
And I just want you to know,
all the angst
that pervaded this room,
all the tsuris it caused,
it was me.
I made you sweat.
I made you nervous.
I made you break out in hives
and run home to your mommies.
For the record, I didn't run.
I didn't.
My ego got in the way.
Teaching is an act
of generosity,
and I was miserly.
But I can't say that
I haven't missed the joy
of Socratic debate with you all.
The pleasure one gets
in witnessing young minds
striving for truth,
the singular wonder of it,
the joy of personal discovery,
with freedom
to make mistakes
and learn from them.
But I think this change of pace
was good for you men.
I see now that
this isn't where I belong.
It's where you belong.
Besides him, him,
him, him, him, and him.
♪ Goodbye... ♪
I'll leave you to it, Professor.
I'll leave you to it.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Take care of yourself, sir.
♪ Goodbye... ♪
Goodbye, boys.
Happy lives.
♪ Goodbye. ♪
"It's simply the most flavorful
syrup in the whole wide world.
"Pour it on your pancakes,
your waffle, your French toast.
"Smack your lips
and ask for more.
"Karo Pancake Syrup.
"It's so good. So good.
So good!"
And cut.
We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
You're so welcome.
- She did a great job.
- Thanks, Thomason.
All we need is the check
and we're on our way.
The check?
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
This is heavier
than the tampons.
I think mine's leaking.
You have got to read
the contracts.
I read the contract.
This was not in the contract.
I'm a comedian. When do I
go back to being a comedian?
- Open the door.
- No, you open the door.
It's running down
my pants.
- I'll open the door.
- Shit.
I got pancake syrup running down
the inside of my pants.
- It's gonna stain.
- Fuck.
My thighs are sticking
to each other.
"It's just off
the Van Wyck Expressway."
"Then I'm heading
for Ludlows Menswear.
Manhattan vices
at Brooklyn prices."
And we're out. Good job, guys.
- Come on back in.
- That's it for today.
Your girl free tomorrow night?
She's not going out
with you, Dickie.
- For a spot, a live spot.
- A live spot? Fun. For what?
Some lady politician is
sponsoring a live radio event
and she wants
live commercials, too.
A woman running for office.
I love that.
She wants a wholesome-sounding
husband and wife to read
whatever the copy is,
- and we thought of you two.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Does it pay?
And not in tampons
or corn syrup?
- It pays.
- We'll do it.
- See you, gang.
- Bye, guys.
Hey, don't leave your syrup.
Eh, put it on your pancakes.
It's so good!
Paging Dr. Rosenthal.
Please report to Urology.
Dr. Rosenthal
to Urology, please.
Hello, Maureen. How are you
this fine spring day?
You're behind schedule,
Dr. Ettenberg.
That's not the right answer,
Maureen.
- I'm very fine, Doctor.
- That's better.
- And I promise to catch up.
- You always promise.
Benjamin.
Mrs. Weissman?
- Hello.
- Uh, what-what're you doing here?
Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.
Well, good thing
you're at the hospital,
that's kind of what
we specialize in.
No, Benjamin,
I'm sick with guilt,
about you and Miriam,
about pushing
the two of you together.
- Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
- About getting your hopes up
and uprooting your life
and causing you to make plans
that didn't pan out
because of her,
because I set you up with her.
- It's all my fault.
- No, no, Mrs. Weissman...
I didn't understand
how serious this phase was
that Miriam was going through,
this comedy thing.
My timing was off.
You're being too hard
on yourself.
Miriam was just
not the right girl for you.
She was weird, yes, but there's
weird and there's weird.
And I thought I knew
which weird she was,
- but apparently I didn't.
- Rose.
Midge was the right kind
of weird for me.
She was?
Look, I've been with
a lot of women...
- I'd heard that.
- Not an excessive amount.
- Oh, no, of course not.
- But enough to have experience...
- A lot of experience.
- But less than many others.
- I'm sure that's true.
- What I'm trying to say is that
you have nothing, nothing,
to feel guilty about.
Really?
Midge was right for me.
I just was not right for her.
You're not just saying that?
You did a nice thing, Rose,
a very nice thing,
and you are very sweet
for coming here today.
Have a very good life, Benjamin.
Will you do that?
I will.
Benjamin, did you really buy
a townhouse for the two of you?
Yes, but don't worry,
I'm very rich.
That isn't helping.
Can you get that, Abe?
It's probably for me.
- Then why don't you get it?
- 'Cause I'm in the other room.
Then just come in here
and get it yourself.
I'm not wearing pants.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.
Maisel residence.
Hello.
I'm calling for Abe Weissman.
- Asher, it's Abe.
- Oh, hello, Abe.
This is a surprise.
What surprise? You sent me that
thing you wrote for me to read.
- That was two months ago.
- I thought it was a bill.
So you finally got around
to reading it?
Yup. Twice.
- You went to my play.
- I did.
I specifically told you
not to go to my play.
So shoot me, I'm a rebel.
And then you write about it,
my play, my other plays.
Me! A lot of this is about me.
- It's all about you.
- I told you not to go.
Asher, you were in this play.
- Come again?
- Your lead character, the carpenter,
you spoke through him.
It was powerful. It moved me.
Now, the actor I saw
did the whole thing shirtless...
- Dumb choice.
- and he power-sawed a two-by-four
during the soliloquy,
you could barely hear it.
- God, I hate actors.
- But the whole thing
reminded me of who you are
and what theater should be.
Broadway today,
it's run by bean counters,
cowards. It should be more.
- The people deserve more.
- Abe...
Your play is a masterpiece.
Bye Bye Birdie
is not a masterpiece.
- Yes, it is.
- Stop listening, Moishe.
Abe, I read your piece.
You don't need
to read me your piece.
I'm sorry.
Look, before I try to publish
it, I want your consent.
It's important.
You're my friend.
Abe... It-It's a nice
piece of writing, but
it hits too close to home.
There's too much me,
and my-my privacy is sacred,
- you know that.
- I do.
So...
I-I can't give you my consent,
I-I just can't.
I-I hope you understand.
Old friend,
that's why I sent it to you,
- to get your okay.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna try
to publish it anyway.
- What?
- These things need to be heard.
Then why the hell did you ask me
for my consent?
Because I wanted your consent.
It's probably not
gonna be published.
No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.
- It might get published.
- So you agree with it?
I never said
I didn't agree with it.
I just said I would rather
that it wasn't published.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
- So you agree with it.
- I never said I didn't!
It's probably
not gonna happen.
It might! It's good!
- It's very good!
- So you like it.
We're going around
in goddamn circles here, Abe.
I never asked you
to resurrect my life.
I know, but I have to try.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
So you think it's good?
Never said it wasn't good.
It probably won't get published.
Mm-hmm.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Hold, please.
I'm gonna start charging
for this.
Susie Myerson.
Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.
Tess. What is it?
It's Mom. She's bad.
Really bad.
Shit. Her heart?
And her lungs, and her liver.
Most of the time,
she doesn't even know who I am.
Sis, I'm so sorry.
She needs 24-hour care, Suz,
and I got to work.
We're talking nursing home?
We're talking
nursing home.
Hey, I learned to swim.
No way. Get out of here.
In Florida.
I mean, I'm not Esther Williams
or anything,
but I'm not half bad.
I lost my virginity
in a swimming pool.
You lost it in a few different places.
In the school gym, at the automat.
- In synagogue.
- Stop laughing.
You stop laughing.
Jackie, get that.
- I'm not your maid.
- Look in the mirror.
Tess, I got to go.
Oh, oh, wait.
One more thing.
Just so you know,
Artie's eyeing Mom's house,
and my husband's talking
about moving his mother in
because
it was our mother's place,
and somehow that makes it
logical or something.
- What did you tell them?
- Call Susie.
And that's that.
I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for nothing.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you know where I live?
I know
where all our customers live.
You got 40 bucks due.
- That's today?
- That's today.
Okay, okay.
Um... I've got $30.
I need $40.
Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.
- Give it to Junior.
- Right.
I got seven,
but Chester owes me three.
Chester, you owe me three bucks.
Give it to Junior.
I've got two.
But the newsstand guy
owes me a buck.
- Hey, Coop!
- Yeah.
- I need that buck.
- All right, here you go.
Thanks, Coop.
Here you go.
Thanks, Chester.
Here you go.
Thanks, Jackie.
Here you go.
Got it. Hey, remember that talk
we had about not being friends?
- Yeah.
- Well, if you were my friend,
I would tell you that
if you need a bucket brigade
to cobble up scratch,
it might be time
to slow down the gambling
a little.
But you're not my friend.
Moishe, bris first, food after.
I know, I know.
I don't want you upsetting
the rabbi.
The rabbi's happy enough
I'm wearing pants.
I'm wearing pants, Rabbi!
Oh, hey. Happy. So glad you
could make it. Don't be scared.
Chip, Greta, come on in.
Don't be scared.
Paula!
Hello. You don't know me,
but I have a piece published
in today's New York Times.
- Please take one.
- Hi. Don't be scared.
The written word
can change the world.
- Oh, it's okay. Don't be scared.
- Oh, Cousin Levi.
Has your health improved?
I got two more operations
coming up.
Maybe this will help.
I wrote a piece
for the New York Times. Enjoy.
The written word
can change the world.
And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud,
but you are an integral part
of your grandson's bris.
- Peddle your papers later.
- Okay.
I have an
announcement, everyone. Listen up.
I know it's a workday, and
everyone wants to get started
with our Weissman bris,
but we're three short
of a minyan,
which means that we cannot
begin the prayers.
So I'm afraid
we'll have to wait.
We'll round up some Jews
for you, Rabbi.
- Don't say, "Round up Jews."
- I know. It sounded wrong.
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
Almost all boys are circumcised.
I mean, you are,
aren't you, Cousin Nicholas?
- Uh, sure.
- Well, I know.
You showed me... a lot.
I don't-don't think
it was a lot.
Oh, it was.
Anyhow, the only difference is,
this just isn't in a hospital,
so the instruments
aren't necessarily sterile,
and the doctor is a man
called a "mohel,"
who has no medical training,
nope.
But it's all right
because they give the baby wine,
so it's drunk.
Oh, and you know what's funny?
I had a dream last night
that I was slicing carrots,
and I cut off the tip
of my finger,
and it just bled and bled
and bled and bled.
And then I woke up,
and it was fine, so...
Okay! We got a minyan!
And it's my son
who closed the deal.
Meet Jacob...
milkman extraordinaire
and a son of Israel. Ha!
Thank you, Levi Feldman, for
leading us in the shaharith.
Now, as you've all noticed,
the baby's father Noah is
unfortunately not with us today.
He was called overseas at the
last minute on urgent business.
Yes, but not for the CIA
or anything. Nope.
But he gave
us his blessing to proceed.
And that we will do with aplomb.
I'd like to welcome
Mohel David Rosenbaum
to begin the Brit Milah.
Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.
It's an honor to be here today.
I'm hoping this goes better
than my last one.
There's nothing funny
about a mohel with hiccups.
There was another time
I had slept badly
the night before,
and I admit,
I was a little snippy.
Oh. Oh.
We've had funnier mohels,
I can tell you that.
All right, which one
you think's goin' down?
Easy. The tall guy in back.
I'm going with the lady in blue.
Abraham Weissman,
would you come join us, please?
And Astrid, if you please?
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Oh.
How does it feel, Abe?
Well, I never imagined
they would publish the piece
this quickly.
With hardly any editing.
It's wonderful.
I meant
to be holding your grandson.
- Well, that's good, too.
- Mm.
Let's proceed.
Mm.
Yes.
Here goes nothin'.
Mazel tov!
Yours didn't
technically go down.
Because those party poopers
caught her.
If they hadn't caught her,
she would have crumpled
- like a sack of potatoes.
- My guy fell clean. I win.
- It's a tie. Accept a tie.
- No way, no way.
And how did you pick the name,
Astrid?
Well, first name "Chaim"
for Abe's father,
middle name "Christian"
for my grandfather.
It's unusual.
The combination.
Can I get you anything, sweetie?
Uh, could you see if there's
been a telegram from Bahrain?
- Will do.
- Thank you.
She really named the child
"Chaim Christian"?
She really did.
Who in the world
besides Astrid would do that?
Sammy Davis, Jr.,
but that's why we love her.
"The United States
is an island of freedom,
"achievement and prosperity.
Nothing's more precious
than our American way of life."
- Pretty hokey.
- What is it?
It's the commercial
I'm doing tonight.
It's live, so I want
to be ready for it.
You want to run lines with me?
You can be my husband.
Phyllis Schlafly?
Yeah. She's a woman.
She's running for
something or other.
Congress. In Illinois.
- You know her?
- Of course I do.
I've been published in
The New York Times.
This is not a good woman.
How so?
She's a right-wing nutjob.
She's come out against Nixon.
Great. We don't like Nixon.
Because she thinks
he's too left-wing.
That doesn't sound real.
She also said that Eisenhower
only got in office
because of "secret kingmakers"
in New York.
I'm not sure if you know what
ethnicity she's referring to
with the words "kingmakers"
and "New York,"
but one of them just got part
of his penis cut off.
Well, then she's an idiot.
She's not.
That's what makes her dangerous.
This is who you're doing
a commercial for?
Well...
It's a paycheck.
Okay.
If you're going to have a voice,
you'd better be careful
what that voice says.
"With God on our side,
"this country will prevail
against the tides
- "of the Soviet threat."
- Agreed.
- Less than two minutes, Irene.
- Got it.
So the main broadcast
is happening down the hall.
When they give me the signal,
they'll throw it to us,
we do our thing,
we got 90 seconds,
then we throw it back.
This is so exciting.
Live broadcasts are the best.
Let's test that sound.
This is Johnny,
one-two, one-two.
That works. Midge?
Midge?
Sorry. Uh, one-two, one-two.
I guess that'll suffice.
Your girl drink too much
Karo Syrup last night?
- Where's her energy?
- She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie.
Don't wet your panties.
- 60 seconds to air.
- So the point is
to sound super wholesome.
Think freckled-faced,
blonde-haired kids,
picket fences,
ice cream socials.
You know, they want you
to sound like...
- America.
- Right.
Like America. Questions?
- Nope.
- Excellent.
Midge?
Midge?
I can't.
I'm sorry. What was that?
I can't do this.
This woman, this Schlafly
woman... she's awful.
I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.
She is racist and sexist
and she uses
way too much hairspray.
I don't want to speak for her.
I'm sorry, what did she say?
Not the best time
to be joking around
like this, Midge.
These comedians, they make jokes
and sometimes
they don't know
where the line is.
I'm not joking.
I'm not doing this.
- And you shouldn't either.
- Dickie?
Susie? Help, please.
Uh, Miriam?
Step up to the mic
and say the words.
Then I will buy you a hat.
30 seconds, Dickie.
Susie, do you have any idea
how horrible this woman is?
I think everybody's horrible.
Not as horrible as her.
But she's paying you,
which makes me like her.
So say the goddamn words.
Sorry. I'm out.
15 seconds, Dickie.
Miriam, you just recorded a spot
for a massage parlor in Newark.
Do you know how many
greasy hand jobs happen
on a daily basis
at a massage parlor in Newark?
This is on a whole
different scale.
This is a giant greasy hand job.
I'm getting the
countdown, Dickie. In five.
- Four. Three.
- Just a reminder, it's live!
- Miriam.
- Two.
"America... the land of promise.
"Honey, do you ever think about
the kind of world
you want our kids to inherit?"
Talk, goddamn it.
Shit.
Uh...
"It's all I can think about
"when I look into their sweet,
innocent faces
- and their big blue eyes."
- "But...
there are so many forces
working to usurp us."
"I know, dear.
"Like foreigners and Communists
who don't even think
we should fly the American flag
outside our little house."
"There's nothing wrong
with taking pride
"in the Stars and Stripes.
Here, lean in, honey."
"Oh, I love it
when you rub my nose."
"And there's nothing wrong
with taking pride
in our country's might."
"I was just explaining
to little Timmy this morning
"that the atomic bomb
is a marvelous gift
that was given to our country
by God."
Holy fuck,
this woman's a monster.
That's what I was saying.
What the hell is going on here?
- Plus, the segues are terrible.
- Irene!
"Did you also tell the children
that we can't let
"certain well-financed
minorities
determine America's future?"
- What the fuck?
- Where are we?
We really have to start reading
these contracts.
I did, and it said nothing
about this woman being Satan.
"that we can't let certain
well-financed minorities
determine America's future?"
Yes, I did, dear.
I told them to brush their teeth
and to not let certain
well-financed minorities,
um, have futures.
Something like that?
America, yay!
I'm sorry, where are we?
And, we're out.
So, does this pay cash
or check or... flags?
This woman's a monster.
Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place
is just not right for you guys.
I still can't figure out
how that pigeon got in.
I'm guessing the bathroom window
that's stuck open.
- Who is that?
- It's the real estate agent, Joan.
Hi, Mrs. Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.
We'll find you
the right apartment, Mama.
This is New York,
there's a million of them.
All right. Bye.
It's a tough market.
Especially in their price range.
- I'll keep looking.
- Thanks.
You all used to live right up
the street there, didn't you?
- At 385?
- Used to.
Such a beautiful building.
Well, tell your mother
not to worry.
We'll find something.
Will do.
♪ Stars shining bright
above you ♪
♪ Night breezes seem to whisper
"I love you..." ♪
Have a nice day,
Mr. and Mrs. Hollander.
- Afternoon.
- How... Mrs. Maisel.
- It's so good to see you.
- Hi, Antonio.
We were just saying
we can't eat a black and white
without thinking of you.
How we miss you.
The whole Weissman clan.
We miss you, too.
J-Jerry, look who
the cat dragged in.
How are you, Mrs. Maisel?
I'm very well, Jerry.
What can we do for you?
Take me to nine?
Would that be all right?
Of course. Your old floor.
I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
Come with me.
You look healthy, Jerry.
- I swam.
- Oh, you're swimming?
- Just the one time.
- Good for you.
I'll wait for you,
Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you, Jerry.
♪ Say nighty-night
and kiss me ♪
It's the second
time I tripped over them.
♪ Just hold me tight
and tell me you'll miss me... ♪
This whole room
looks like a pigsty.
Hello?
♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪
I'm gonna count to three.
One, two, three.
both of you here anymore.
Your father is going to be
in Missouri,
and you'll be scrounging
for food on the streets.
And you're going in
for your nap, Ronald.
- Accept it.
- Ah, Mom!
Your nap is not optional.
- Ronald. Ronald.
- Midge?
- Ronald! Now come on.
- Midge?
- Wash your hands and get your jammies on.
- Midge?
Your son is not cooperating!
He's running around naked
and the people across the way
- can see!
- Why is my grandson naked?
That is a question
for your grandson, Abe.
He has a mind of his own.
Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.
- Grab him!
- I soaped him up
so he keeps
slipping out of my grasp.
I got him. Oh, whoa, whoa.
- I don't got him.
- The neighbors are looking!
We should be charging for this.
Midge! We need you.
Miriam,
cut him off in the foyer!
Midge! Midge!
Hello?
Oh, you scared me.
Although, I should be
the one scaring you.
I pretty much broke in
to your place.
It's okay, I think.
I used to live here,
in this apartment.
My parents were upstairs.
I grew up here.
That's sweet.
It's a great place.
I'm gonna miss it.
Guys, please stop yelling!
- You're moving?
- My husband's a researcher,
and he lives by grants,
so we're nomads.
Next week,
it's off to St. Louis.
Okay, all you did was
get louder!
I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.
No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.
- I'm not a baby!
- Can I see the kitchen?
- It's all yours.
- Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over.
Your father's going
to hear about this!
♪ Sweet dreams
till sunbeams find you ♪
♪ Sweet dreams that leave ♪
♪ All worries behind you ♪
♪ But in your dreams ♪
♪ Whatever they be ♪
♪ Dream a little dream ♪
♪ Of me. ♪
Sorry... coming through.
No, don't get up.
Excuse me.
What are you looking at?
How's it going backstage?
Sophie was chatting it up
with Gavin and Moira.
Gave 'em each a bottle
of scotch, wished them well.
Now she's having a weird,
quiet moment.
She left her awful dogs at home.
So far, so good.
How are you feeling?
I think I'm excited. I think
that's what this feeling is.
Good. She put you
through a lot,
and you pulled this off.
This is your night
as much as hers.
Now, enjoy it.
Oh,
tonight, Miss Julie
is crazy again.
Absolutely crazy.
So you've returned.
I took the count
to the station,
and when I came back,
I saw Miss Julie dancing
with the gamekeeper.
And then she rushed up to me
and asked me
to dance the waltz with her.
She's crazy.
And always has been,
but never the way it's been
this last fortnight,
since her engagement was broken.
Do you know how it happened, Christine?
They were in the stable,
and she was training him,
as she called it.
She made him leap
over her horse whip,
the way you teach
a dog to jump.
- - Hey,
duchess, you ever hear of a cough drop?
- Susie, shh.
- It's a classy fuckin' play.
Now, what do you have
that's tasty, Christine?
Oh, just some kidney that
I cut out of the veal roast.
Ah, good.
Oh, Jean, won't you dance
with me when I'm done?
- Of course I will.
- Do you promise?
Promise?
When I say so, I do it. Mm.
And thanks for the good food.
Tasted fine.
Is this supposed
to be happening?
Shh.
Very fine, indeed, Christine.
Tasted fine.
Come on, come on.
I'll be back in a minute,
You go right on in the meantime.
Tell me, is it
almost done, Christine?
The ladies are having
secrets, I believe.
That is for you, Jean.
Oh, what a delicious odor
that violet has.
Mm, impudent.
So you understand perfumes also.
And know pretty well
how to dance.
Do not peek.
No, no, no, go away.
Uh-oh.
Is it
some kind of witches' broth
the ladies are cooking
on Midsummer Eve?
Something to tell fortunes by
and bring out the lucky star
in which one's
future love is seen?
If you can see that,
you have very good eyes indeed.
Is she supposed to be
so quiet?
No, you're supposed to be able
to hear it.
Come dance with me, Jean.
I had promised to
dance with Christine this time.
Well, Christine can get
someone else, Gavin.
Did she say "Gavin"?
Shit. Shit.
I don't want to be impolite,
but I truly made a promise.
Now I can't hear him.
She can get somebody else.
Louder. Louder.
She can get somebody
else, can't you, Christine?
Will you let me borrow
Jean from you? Huh?
That isn't for me to
say, Miss Julie.
Frankly speaking,
is it wise for Miss Julie
to dance twice
with the same partner?
People will start to talk.
What is that?
What kind of talk?
What do you mean?
They sound like my grandparents.
It doesn't look well
to prefer one servant
to all the rest.
Prefer? What ideas!
I am surprised.
I, the mistress of the house...
It's fine. She's just projecting
for the back row.
Yeah, of Yankee Stadium?
And when it so happens
I want to dance,
I want to dance with one
who knows how to lead
so I am not made ridiculous.
As you command, Miss Julie.
I am at your service.
Oh,
don't take it as a command.
Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
Tonight,
all rank should be forgotten.
Christine will make
a pleasant wife.
Perhaps she snores, too.
No, she doesn't.
But she talks in her sleep.
How do you know?!
I've heard it.
Give me something to drink.
We have nothing but beer.
Beer?!
I didn't know you were
serving breakfast.
I can't watch.
I can't watch.
I can't not.
You want some for yourself?
A polite gentleman should
keep a lady company.
Wouldn't be proper
in your presence.
Are you bashful,
a big, grown-up man?
Tout suite. Julie's thirsty.
- We love you, Sophie.
- We love you, Sophie.
To the health
of my liege lady.
Bravo! Ha ha!
Ahh.
Now...
Kiss my shoe.
This part's in the play.
Boop.
- Kiss it!
- Yeah, kiss it.
Well, it looks like
someone was hungry
for some moo shoe pork.
Huh? And unfortunately,
I just left the stables.
Hey, don't worry,
after the stables,
I washed 'em off...
in a toilet.
Put that on your plate, huh?
The other day, I was hanging out
by the cows,
and one of the farmhands
tried to milk me.
And my last husband
never kissed my shoe,
but he always had a foot
in his mouth.
Aw, it's so filthy
here in the country.
My clothes are so dirty...
How dirty are they?
My clothes are so dirty,
my washboard needs a washboard.
Ooh.
The count is back.
You mean Count Dracula?
Is that where you got
that big hickey on your neck?
It wasn't me.
Well, folks, we're close enough
to the finish line, I think.
Everybody's sad,
I go off to die.
Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
See ya!
Susie, wait.
We love you, Sophie!
Oh, thank you very much. Oh...
Oh, look, you got Sophie's
hay fever going.
Ah-choo!
Thank you.
Oh.
I hate you.
Theater hates you!
- Sophie. -:
Sophie, Sophie...
Fucking stop.
Sophie, fucking stop!
Hey! Hey, I got something
for your flight.
What the fuck just happened?
'Cause I know you did not
just trash that production.
I know I must have eaten
some spoiled cheese
or a hash brownie
and hallucinated
that on the opening night
of your Broadway premiere,
you chose to flush it
all down the shitter.
What are you talking about?
This is your fault.
My fault?
I am the biggest
comedy star in America,
and you chose to dump that
and have me act.
Act in this ridiculous farce
of a play.
I had never even heard
of Strindberg before I met you.
You should have stopped me.
You're my manager.
You fired Harry Drake
because he stopped you
from doing Strindberg,
you whacko. Remember?
Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis
from doing A Raisin in the Sun.
It's what a good manager does.
Goddamn it, Sophie.
You asked me
to get you a shot.
I got you a shot
and you chickened out.
You choked.
How dare you!
I went out on a limb for you.
Bernie went out
on a limb for you.
The investors went out
on a limb for you.
Fucking asshole
tennis-playing Milken
went out on a limb for you!
We got Gavin Hawk
to star opposite you.
You were all conspiring
against me.
- Hey, call Bellevue. Tell 'em to bring a net.
- Especially you.
Why, Sophie?
Why would I do that?
For her.
You were trying to prop her up
by bringing me down.
- Let's go.
- You're walking away from me?
Yeah, I'm walking away.
Because you are nothing
but a fraud,
with your Jell-O
and your stuck-up butler
and your lemon wedges.
And you want to know what
the really sad thing is, Sophie?
You could have done it.
I watched you rehearse
every single day,
and you were good.
Fuck that, you were great.
A great fucking serious actress.
And you had it all right there
in the palm of your hand,
and all you had to do was
have the guts to follow through
and do it, and you didn't.
You fuckin' folded
like a deck of cards.
- Harry knew.
- Harry knew what?
That you didn't have the stuff
to make it on Broadway.
He was no idiot.
He knew.
And I do not have
to take you down for her.
You are not her competition.
You are not even
in the same league.
She's got guts.
That is the difference
between Midge Maisel
and the great Sophie Lennon.
You're a star, for now,
but she is gonna be
a goddamn legend.
I'm setting those
fuckin' birds loose
the minute I get home.
♪ I want to sink to the bottom
with you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
♪ I just want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ Cars on the highway,
planes in the air ♪
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
♪ But I'm going nowhere,
getting there soon ♪
♪ I might as well just ♪
♪ Sink down with you ♪
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
♪ I just want to sink ♪
♪ To the bottom with you ♪
♪ And I just want to ♪
♪ Out on the highway,
up in the air ♪
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
♪ They're going nowhere,
and I'll be there, too ♪
♪ I might as well go
under with you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
- ♪ With you ♪
- ♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
♪ I just want to. ♪
- Ah!
- There's a man on the phone.
- What man? Who is it?
A mean man, an angry man.
He says if you're not
on the subway in ten minutes,
- you'll be late.
- What time is it?
"Get her ass
on that fuckin' subway!"
- And that's one of the nicer things he said to me.
- Tell him I'm coming.
- What am I, your secretary?
- I'm coming!
- Who's in the bathroom?!
- And he thought I was a man.
- Moishe, get out of the bathroom!
- Why in the world
would he think I was a man?
I'm coming, Susie,
I'm coming!
I will be on time, I promise!
Susie? Who would
name a boy Susie?
Hands! Elbow! Foot!
Lox? Hands!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Excuse me! Coming through!
Morning.
- Right on time.
- Told ya.
- Morning, guys.
- Hi, Irene.
Let's get a mic check.
Mic check.
Uno, dos. Uno, dos.
Good for me, Dickie.
Let's do it.
Take it from the top, Midge.
- Housewife?
- What else? -Rolling.
"Paramus Ford has
the best deals in town."
"They're so good that even
I can understand the savings...
and I'm a woman!"
Perfecto. Next.
"With its natural mildness
and gorgeous aftertaste,
"more expectant mothers
prefer Pall Mall cigarettes
over any other brand."
- Can they prove that?
- No idea. Next.
"Run to buy hosiery
that never runs,
at B. Altman's nylon sale.
Ends Thursday."
I used to work at B. Altman.
Don't care. Next.
"Bell Brothers Shoes
is opening a brand-new"
"Staten Island location,
and we're opening with a bang."
Holy fuck!
- Sorry.
- No one told me about balloons.
That is seriously
fucked up, Dickie!
A little warning next time!
The big balloon next to her head
wasn't a tip-off?
- I'm gonna need a minute.
- She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie.
This is very upsetting!
Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.
- Great job.
- Thank you, sir.
- Sign here.
- Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested?
We'll take it.
Five bucks, we can retire now.
This game is piecework.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
- Let's go.
- Later, guys.
See you at 12:30.
And don't be late!
Come on.
- Ooh!
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Hey!
Studio B!
Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.
Nice and punctual.
Here's the script.
Thank you, sir.
It's a spot for a business
in the Bronx.
- I'm playing a four-year-old girl?
- Guess so.
Why didn't you just get
a four-year-old girl?
They can't read.
Check the mic.
One-two,
one-two, I'm a little girl.
There's my next source
of nightmares.
So it's just you today.
We fill in the dad part later.
- Got it.
- Rolling.
"Look at that. I want it."
Sounds good. Next line?
"It's so big, Daddy."
Wait.
- What.
- Is this pornography?
- It's not pornography.
- Sounds like pornography.
It's not pornography.
Keep going, from the last line.
"It's so big, Daddy.
I want to lick it."
This is pornography.
- Definitely pornography.
- No, no, look,
she's a kid out with her dad,
he's buying her
an ice cream bar.
- At a cathouse.
- Not at a cathouse.
- This is pornography.
- It's not pornography!
Hey, that's my competition!
It's piecework, Dickie.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
12:30, don't forget.
- Hands.
- Belt buckle.
- Breath.
- Heel.
- Tuna fish?
- Elbow.
- Hat.
- Cab?
- Cab.
- Fart.
Hands.
Hey, keep it running.
Wait for us.
"Soft and
gentle, so comfortable",
"and so easy to carry.
"A month's supply fits easily
into your purse.
"So try Pursettes, ladies.
No one will ever know
who came to visit."
Well done.
- Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're very welcome.
- Thanks, Susie.
- All I need is the check.
The check?
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
- I'll get the door.
- I'll get the door.
You told everybody
these things were easy to carry.
Hey!
For the record,
they said nothing
about paying us in tampons.
A lifetime supply.
Would they do this
to a man, huh?
Would they pay him whatever a
tampon equivalent is for a guy?
Men don't even have
a tampon equivalent. Men suck.
Got enough to get
the Rockettes to menopause.
I'll make it work. These things
must have a street value.
You are not selling tampons
on the street.
I'll do what I got to do.
Downtown, driver.
- I'm starving.
- Sorry.
- Food.
- Later.
Look out!
- Oh!
- Coming through.
Midge, this is Pete Drummond.
He owns Pete's Mortuary Services
in Brooklyn,
and this is Mrs. Drummond.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Drummond,
Mrs. Drummond.
- Likewise.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, I assume you're past
the point of needing these?
Pete wrote the spot.
I'll let him fill you in
on what he's looking for.
Wonderful.
It's a husband and wife dealing
with the death of a loved one.
It's such a sensitive matter,
and the performances need
to reflect that sensitivity.
Absolutely.
It's the most sensitive matter
there is.
- Let's try one.
- Rolling.
Any time, guys.
"Dad's dead."
I am so sorry.
- This isn't funny.
- I know, it just weirdly
struck me as funny.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shall we try it again, Midge?
- Absolutely.
"Dad's dead,
and he was my hero."
"Mine, too. What do we do?
It's such a confusing time."
"Let's call
Pete's Mortuary Services."
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad."
I'm sorry,
is this not supposed
to be funny?
It's not supposed
to be funny, Midge.
It's about a man
who's passed away.
I'm sorry. This is
so disrespectful. I'm good.
- Let's try again.
- Just take it from the last couple lines.
Still rolling.
"Let's call Pete's
Mortuary Services."
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad."
"And they'll come to you,
wherever you are."
"It's such a comfort
"to know that Dad will...
Rest in Pete's."
Let's take five.
Hey!
Door, door, door, door,
door, door, door.
"Ladies, stay fit and trim
the easy way,
with amphetamines,
the pleasantest way to reduce."
And cut. Great job, Midge.
Hey, you got any?
- Food?
- Food.
This week we're on par to make
about what we made last week,
- 35 bucks or so.
- Not bad.
Gross. Net, food and cabs
ate up half of that.
What're you looking at me for?
You eat, too.
- No more cabs.
- Susie.
They're eating up our profits.
It was your idea
to take a cab today.
And it was a bad idea.
No more cabs.
Without cabs, I show up
looking gross and sweaty.
It's fucking radio.
It doesn't matter how you look.
But I'll feel bad, and if I feel
bad, it'll show up in my voice.
Okay, but we cannot
lose money doing this.
This is supposed to sustain us
until we go back out on tour.
- Hopefully, that'll be soon.
- Mm.
What a time for Shy Baldwin
to get "exhaustion."
The guy doesn't even
tie his own fucking shoes,
- how exhausted can he be?
- I don't know.
- Pressures of stardom, I guess.
- It's been two months.
He should be rested by now.
We need ketchup. Be right back.
Saturday, nickel on the Tigers,
a dime each on the Cards
and the Reds.
- Cards and the Reds?
- Yeah.
You know they're
playing each other.
- I know.
- You're betting against yourself.
- I got a system.
- Everyone's got a system.
Mine works. I got to go.
- Come on.
- What happened to the ketchup?
I changed my mind.
Grab it to go.
♪ ♪
"Parker makes a girl-sized pen
for my girl-sized hands."
Got it.
"The flowers at Fleishman's
are never droopy.
Trust me, she expects you
to get fresh."
Got it.
"Toffenetti's is the cathedral
of restaurants.
We're famous for our ham."
- Got it.
- You're done, Midge.
We didn't want to leave
the theater. Nobody did.
We floated home,
like dandelions,
just floating across
the East River.
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
We were just telling
your parents
about a wonderful show
we saw last night.
- Bye Bye Birdie. You seen it?
- Heard of it.
It's spectacular, a masterpiece.
So many wonderful melodies,
and they just keep
running through my head.
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-di,
la-di-dah... ♪
I don't think
that's one of them,
but it does have
some nice tunes.
- It sounds very nice.
- And that actress,
- Chita Rivera.
- Oh, Moishe.
Good thing I wear my pants loose
in the crotch. Know what I mean?
- Unfortunately.
- Probably not your cup of tea,
though, right, Abe?
Bye Bye Birdie?
I know nothing
about the show, Moishe.
Yes, but I know you,
and I know you wouldn't like
Bye Bye Birdie
because Bye Bye Birdie
is entertaining.
- I know nothing about the show.
- Well, it's a masterpiece.
I'm sure it's
a piece of something.
Tonight, we go to a movie,
it's supposed to be cute,
Where The Boys Are.
I'll tell you
where the boys are.
Attached to the thing
that was saluting
Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie
last night.
You guys are hitting the town
a lot these days.
Well, it's always nice
to venture out,
what with
the close quarters here.
We'll be out of your hair soon,
Moishe, I promise.
I will be, too, Moishe,
it really is just temporary.
Look, we're fine
with what's happening here.
We're family, but your father,
he's being stubborn.
I offered to put key money up
for an apartment for them,
but he wouldn't hear of it.
We don't need
your money, Moishe.
You just fired
your maid of 20 years
and you cried when you did it.
I saw you cry.
I don't need your money
because I just completed
my Abe and Rose
"End of Days" calculations.
Now that they're done,
we can find a place,
get Zelda back part-time,
and we'll be fine.
I'm afraid to ask.
He's worked so hard on this.
Explain it, Abe.
It's quite simple: I've added up
our projected pension
and social security payments,
matched them to our expenses,
adjusted for inflation, and
calculated the numbers of years
your mother and I get to live.
Get to live?
- For me, it's the age of 67.
- But you're 62, so...
- I have to die in five years.
- This is morbid.
I get to live till I'm 69,
assuming I don't get hit
by a bus.
Now, obviously, if I die early,
say at age 65,
then those two years
can be added to your mother's.
- So I'll get to live till I'm 71.
- Either which way,
- I need to be dead by 1965.
- Mm.
Need any help...
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-dah ♪
♪ La-di-di-dah... ♪
Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.
- What did I do to deserve this?
- What did you do?
I was able to reach you
after offering them
to six other people
who turned me down.
I'm touched, really.
Hey, there he is.
I heard you were camping here.
- Just for the time being, Donny.
- Time being?
- I heard two months.
- But he's at home all the time.
For the kids.
I'm there to put them to bed,
I am there when they wake up,
I am there for every meal,
even snacks.
It's just when Imogene goes to
bed, I come here and go to bed.
With Joel? That's weird.
Not in his bed. In that bed.
With Ethan? That's weirder.
Not when Ethan's here.
When he's here,
I lay out fabric on the floor
and make a pillow
out of bolts of cloth.
- That's weird, too.
- I can't keep explaining it, Donny.
They're gonna patch it up
any day, Don.
- That's the point.
- Any day.
I hope so 'cause it's weird.
Got to pick up charcoal
for our barbecue this weekend.
- See you tonight, Joel.
- Yeah, see you, Arch.
In case you were wondering, this
is why you were my seventh call.
Uh, Joel.
- What happened?
- He walked headfirst into the pipe.
It was sitting there
plain as day where it always is,
and he walked right into it.
- How hard you hit?
- Am I dead?
- No.
- Then not hard enough.
- Come on, let's stand you up.
- I didn't do anything.
- What?
- The night she kicked me out.
You were there, I did nothing.
And not just 'cause
you socked me in the face.
- I know, Arch.
- I love her, Joel.
I love Imogene so much.
I miss her.
Well, have you told her?
It's so cold between us.
I can't.
- It'll change.
- She was my first.
- There's never been anyone else.
- Never?
- Never.
- That's weird.
- Can you help in some way?
- I'll get some water.
- She'll come around.
- She won't.
- She will. She misses you, too.
- Did you talk to her? Did Midge?
No, but of course she does.
- I'll see you tonight.
- See you tonight.
After I read the kids a story.
I'll make us some tea.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- Good morning, Chester.
- Sounded like you slept well.
- Was I snoring?
- Or asphyxiating.
Either way, I liked it.
How would you like
your eggs today, Chester?
Raw.
Okay, Jackie, first, how the
fuck you figured subletting
to another person while
I was gone was appropriate,
I don't know.
Second, you sub-sublet to a guy
- who's practically stalking me.
- He didn't say he knew you.
Thought it would be
a deal breaker. Crisscross.
Hello?
I'm excited.
Sophie, hi.
Not as excited as I was
for that ménage à trois
with Vincent Price
and Ethel Merman, but close.
Lovely.
- Open your door.
- Open my door?
I've sent you a token.
- Jackie, open the door.
- I think you'll like them.
I hunted and hunted and
finally found the perfect pair.
- Holy shit.
- What is it?
Fucking birds.
We got the birds.
- This is a no-pet household.
- Shh.
The birds sing, as you have
given me the gift of song.
Allowing my voice
to soar freely.
It really wasn't necessary.
- It's not fair if she gets to keep them.
- I'll deal with this.
Look, Chester had a cat,
but I wouldn't allow it,
and he couldn't find someone
to take it,
so he had to drown it
in the Hudson.
Did you read Walter Winchell
last night?
About the buzz surrounding
Miss Julie?
No. Uh, that's great.
- He said there's buzz?
- Oh...
I don't know why it took me this
long to trod the boards again.
You are the real thing, Sophie.
You came through.
As did you, my little bird.
I'll see you at the opening,
and we'll take
that bow together.
And by "we," I mean me.
See you at the opening. Bye.
I'm going to the opening
of Miss Julie, too.
You fucking are not.
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
♪ To come home to ♪
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
♪ By the fire ♪
♪ While the breeze ♪
♪ On high ♪
♪ Sang a lullaby ♪
♪ You'd be all... ♪
Oh, look at that.
- What.
- There, on the floor.
- Is that a dollar?
- I think it is.
You don't see that every day.
Poor sap's gonna miss it when
he realizes he doesn't have it.
I don't know,
it's only a dollar.
Yeah, it's only a dollar.
59th Street...
This is me.
See you back at the asylum.
Hurry, before the door closes.
Your tea, Mrs. Weissman,
and an apricot rugelach
on the house.
You remembered.
Thank you, Darla.
You're not in as much as before,
Mrs. Weissman.
Yes, well, we decided
to give up our apartment.
So big, so drafty.
So now we're in a wonderful
house in Forest Hills.
Do you know it?
That's Queens, isn't it?
Yes, it's Queens.
Here, Darla.
I'll pay now, so you can
go about your tasks.
- I'll bring your change.
- Thank you.
Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.
Oh, hello, Corinne. How are you?
- I'm well. And you?
- Astrid had her baby.
- Boy or girl?
- His bris is tomorrow.
Mazel tov.
When was the last time
we saw each other?
Not since
the Benjamin debacle.
Oh, they came so close.
Yes, so close.
Boy, were we all stunned.
Benjamin Ettenberg,
the Holy Grail of bachelors,
head over heels in love.
So quickly:
marriage, a townhouse.
A townhouse? For him and Miriam?
Big enough for a family.
So gorgeous.
I didn't know.
Well, maybe Miriam
didn't know, either.
- Oh, I just feel so foolish.
- Why?
I was the one who pushed
the two of them together.
- Such a stupid thing.
- Stupid? Please.
- After your track record?
- What track record?
Remember,
you put the Heifetz boy
with the Feinstein girl?
Just suggested it at canasta,
- and now they have three kids.
- That was one time.
In the Catskills,
you told Sara Halpern
to dance with Mel Kleinman,
and now they're married
with one on the way.
The list goes on and on.
Really, Corinne, they're all
just shots in the dark.
Well, then you're the
Annie Oakley of matchmaking.
If you could only help my Shira.
She's still on the market?
- She's day-old bread.
- Oh, Corinne.
Well, what can you do?
At least there'll be someone
to look after me in my old age.
It was nice to see you, Rose.
Say hello to Abe?
I will.
- The butcher's boy.
- Beg pardon?
- Melvin Goldfarb.
- He was studying law.
Then he turned
to veterinary medicine.
I didn't know.
And your daughter
has all those cats.
Six, and a dog,
and a pot-bellied pig.
You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.
Corinne?
How many floors
to Benjamin's townhouse?
Four, at least, and a yard,
and now it's on the market,
discounted.
So gorgeous. Bye, Rose.
Buh-bye.
Simon!
Simon!
Hello.
I got to go.
Simon!
Simon, wait.
Simon!
Excuse me.
Simon, wait!
It's me, Abe.
Wait!
Simon!
It's Abe Weissman! Wait!
Simon! Simon! Simon!
Abe.
- What a surprise.
- Hello, Simon.
I thought I'd never
catch up to you.
You're in very good shape.
I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you?
Nothing. I was just taking
a stroll around campus
for old times' sake
and I happened to spot you.
Lucky me.
- How's the family?
- There he is. That's him.
Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.
- And, uh, your wife?
- Sir?
- She's well?
- Uh, sure.
We should get together,
- the four of us.
- We should, we really should.
Before 1965, if possible.
I really have to go now, Abe.
I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.
Hello.
Bye.
All right, then, gang.
Now let's roll up our sleeves
and see if we can tackle
these vector identities.
Abbie,
why are you working out
this section
with a Levi-Civita symbol?
Let us in on your
methodology here.
Hello, everyone.
Professor Weissman.
- Hello, Professor Weissman.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.
- I just wanted to stop by.
- But not to teach?
That's right, not to teach.
So good to see all of you.
How are you doing?
Truman, you look well.
Your complexion, it's so clear.
I've been sleeping
wonderfully since...
well, I last saw you.
Good to hear.
Sleep is very important.
- And Kevin.
- Lance.
- You're holding yourself well.
- I'm taking boxing lessons.
- Really?
- So that no one will ever pick on me again.
Wonderful. I wouldn't want
anyone to do that.
And Abbie, you're still here?
- Y-Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Well, these are great boys,
Professor.
They all deserve
their place here,
all but six.
And I just want you to know,
all the angst
that pervaded this room,
all the tsuris it caused,
it was me.
I made you sweat.
I made you nervous.
I made you break out in hives
and run home to your mommies.
For the record, I didn't run.
I didn't.
My ego got in the way.
Teaching is an act
of generosity,
and I was miserly.
But I can't say that
I haven't missed the joy
of Socratic debate with you all.
The pleasure one gets
in witnessing young minds
striving for truth,
the singular wonder of it,
the joy of personal discovery,
with freedom
to make mistakes
and learn from them.
But I think this change of pace
was good for you men.
I see now that
this isn't where I belong.
It's where you belong.
Besides him, him,
him, him, him, and him.
♪ Goodbye... ♪
I'll leave you to it, Professor.
I'll leave you to it.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
Take care of yourself, sir.
♪ Goodbye... ♪
Goodbye, boys.
Happy lives.
♪ Goodbye. ♪
"It's simply the most flavorful
syrup in the whole wide world.
"Pour it on your pancakes,
your waffle, your French toast.
"Smack your lips
and ask for more.
"Karo Pancake Syrup.
"It's so good. So good.
So good!"
And cut.
We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
You're so welcome.
- She did a great job.
- Thanks, Thomason.
All we need is the check
and we're on our way.
The check?
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
This is heavier
than the tampons.
I think mine's leaking.
You have got to read
the contracts.
I read the contract.
This was not in the contract.
I'm a comedian. When do I
go back to being a comedian?
- Open the door.
- No, you open the door.
It's running down
my pants.
- I'll open the door.
- Shit.
I got pancake syrup running down
the inside of my pants.
- It's gonna stain.
- Fuck.
My thighs are sticking
to each other.
"It's just off
the Van Wyck Expressway."
"Then I'm heading
for Ludlows Menswear.
Manhattan vices
at Brooklyn prices."
And we're out. Good job, guys.
- Come on back in.
- That's it for today.
Your girl free tomorrow night?
She's not going out
with you, Dickie.
- For a spot, a live spot.
- A live spot? Fun. For what?
Some lady politician is
sponsoring a live radio event
and she wants
live commercials, too.
A woman running for office.
I love that.
She wants a wholesome-sounding
husband and wife to read
whatever the copy is,
- and we thought of you two.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Does it pay?
And not in tampons
or corn syrup?
- It pays.
- We'll do it.
- See you, gang.
- Bye, guys.
Hey, don't leave your syrup.
Eh, put it on your pancakes.
It's so good!
Paging Dr. Rosenthal.
Please report to Urology.
Dr. Rosenthal
to Urology, please.
Hello, Maureen. How are you
this fine spring day?
You're behind schedule,
Dr. Ettenberg.
That's not the right answer,
Maureen.
- I'm very fine, Doctor.
- That's better.
- And I promise to catch up.
- You always promise.
Benjamin.
Mrs. Weissman?
- Hello.
- Uh, what-what're you doing here?
Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.
Well, good thing
you're at the hospital,
that's kind of what
we specialize in.
No, Benjamin,
I'm sick with guilt,
about you and Miriam,
about pushing
the two of you together.
- Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
- About getting your hopes up
and uprooting your life
and causing you to make plans
that didn't pan out
because of her,
because I set you up with her.
- It's all my fault.
- No, no, Mrs. Weissman...
I didn't understand
how serious this phase was
that Miriam was going through,
this comedy thing.
My timing was off.
You're being too hard
on yourself.
Miriam was just
not the right girl for you.
She was weird, yes, but there's
weird and there's weird.
And I thought I knew
which weird she was,
- but apparently I didn't.
- Rose.
Midge was the right kind
of weird for me.
She was?
Look, I've been with
a lot of women...
- I'd heard that.
- Not an excessive amount.
- Oh, no, of course not.
- But enough to have experience...
- A lot of experience.
- But less than many others.
- I'm sure that's true.
- What I'm trying to say is that
you have nothing, nothing,
to feel guilty about.
Really?
Midge was right for me.
I just was not right for her.
You're not just saying that?
You did a nice thing, Rose,
a very nice thing,
and you are very sweet
for coming here today.
Have a very good life, Benjamin.
Will you do that?
I will.
Benjamin, did you really buy
a townhouse for the two of you?
Yes, but don't worry,
I'm very rich.
That isn't helping.
Can you get that, Abe?
It's probably for me.
- Then why don't you get it?
- 'Cause I'm in the other room.
Then just come in here
and get it yourself.
I'm not wearing pants.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.
Maisel residence.
Hello.
I'm calling for Abe Weissman.
- Asher, it's Abe.
- Oh, hello, Abe.
This is a surprise.
What surprise? You sent me that
thing you wrote for me to read.
- That was two months ago.
- I thought it was a bill.
So you finally got around
to reading it?
Yup. Twice.
- You went to my play.
- I did.
I specifically told you
not to go to my play.
So shoot me, I'm a rebel.
And then you write about it,
my play, my other plays.
Me! A lot of this is about me.
- It's all about you.
- I told you not to go.
Asher, you were in this play.
- Come again?
- Your lead character, the carpenter,
you spoke through him.
It was powerful. It moved me.
Now, the actor I saw
did the whole thing shirtless...
- Dumb choice.
- and he power-sawed a two-by-four
during the soliloquy,
you could barely hear it.
- God, I hate actors.
- But the whole thing
reminded me of who you are
and what theater should be.
Broadway today,
it's run by bean counters,
cowards. It should be more.
- The people deserve more.
- Abe...
Your play is a masterpiece.
Bye Bye Birdie
is not a masterpiece.
- Yes, it is.
- Stop listening, Moishe.
Abe, I read your piece.
You don't need
to read me your piece.
I'm sorry.
Look, before I try to publish
it, I want your consent.
It's important.
You're my friend.
Abe... It-It's a nice
piece of writing, but
it hits too close to home.
There's too much me,
and my-my privacy is sacred,
- you know that.
- I do.
So...
I-I can't give you my consent,
I-I just can't.
I-I hope you understand.
Old friend,
that's why I sent it to you,
- to get your okay.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna try
to publish it anyway.
- What?
- These things need to be heard.
Then why the hell did you ask me
for my consent?
Because I wanted your consent.
It's probably not
gonna be published.
No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.
- It might get published.
- So you agree with it?
I never said
I didn't agree with it.
I just said I would rather
that it wasn't published.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
- So you agree with it.
- I never said I didn't!
It's probably
not gonna happen.
It might! It's good!
- It's very good!
- So you like it.
We're going around
in goddamn circles here, Abe.
I never asked you
to resurrect my life.
I know, but I have to try.
It probably won't be published.
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
So you think it's good?
Never said it wasn't good.
It probably won't get published.
Mm-hmm.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Hold, please.
I'm gonna start charging
for this.
Susie Myerson.
Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.
Tess. What is it?
It's Mom. She's bad.
Really bad.
Shit. Her heart?
And her lungs, and her liver.
Most of the time,
she doesn't even know who I am.
Sis, I'm so sorry.
She needs 24-hour care, Suz,
and I got to work.
We're talking nursing home?
We're talking
nursing home.
Hey, I learned to swim.
No way. Get out of here.
In Florida.
I mean, I'm not Esther Williams
or anything,
but I'm not half bad.
I lost my virginity
in a swimming pool.
You lost it in a few different places.
In the school gym, at the automat.
- In synagogue.
- Stop laughing.
You stop laughing.
Jackie, get that.
- I'm not your maid.
- Look in the mirror.
Tess, I got to go.
Oh, oh, wait.
One more thing.
Just so you know,
Artie's eyeing Mom's house,
and my husband's talking
about moving his mother in
because
it was our mother's place,
and somehow that makes it
logical or something.
- What did you tell them?
- Call Susie.
And that's that.
I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for nothing.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you know where I live?
I know
where all our customers live.
You got 40 bucks due.
- That's today?
- That's today.
Okay, okay.
Um... I've got $30.
I need $40.
Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.
- Give it to Junior.
- Right.
I got seven,
but Chester owes me three.
Chester, you owe me three bucks.
Give it to Junior.
I've got two.
But the newsstand guy
owes me a buck.
- Hey, Coop!
- Yeah.
- I need that buck.
- All right, here you go.
Thanks, Coop.
Here you go.
Thanks, Chester.
Here you go.
Thanks, Jackie.
Here you go.
Got it. Hey, remember that talk
we had about not being friends?
- Yeah.
- Well, if you were my friend,
I would tell you that
if you need a bucket brigade
to cobble up scratch,
it might be time
to slow down the gambling
a little.
But you're not my friend.
Moishe, bris first, food after.
I know, I know.
I don't want you upsetting
the rabbi.
The rabbi's happy enough
I'm wearing pants.
I'm wearing pants, Rabbi!
Oh, hey. Happy. So glad you
could make it. Don't be scared.
Chip, Greta, come on in.
Don't be scared.
Paula!
Hello. You don't know me,
but I have a piece published
in today's New York Times.
- Please take one.
- Hi. Don't be scared.
The written word
can change the world.
- Oh, it's okay. Don't be scared.
- Oh, Cousin Levi.
Has your health improved?
I got two more operations
coming up.
Maybe this will help.
I wrote a piece
for the New York Times. Enjoy.
The written word
can change the world.
And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud,
but you are an integral part
of your grandson's bris.
- Peddle your papers later.
- Okay.
I have an
announcement, everyone. Listen up.
I know it's a workday, and
everyone wants to get started
with our Weissman bris,
but we're three short
of a minyan,
which means that we cannot
begin the prayers.
So I'm afraid
we'll have to wait.
We'll round up some Jews
for you, Rabbi.
- Don't say, "Round up Jews."
- I know. It sounded wrong.
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
Almost all boys are circumcised.
I mean, you are,
aren't you, Cousin Nicholas?
- Uh, sure.
- Well, I know.
You showed me... a lot.
I don't-don't think
it was a lot.
Oh, it was.
Anyhow, the only difference is,
this just isn't in a hospital,
so the instruments
aren't necessarily sterile,
and the doctor is a man
called a "mohel,"
who has no medical training,
nope.
But it's all right
because they give the baby wine,
so it's drunk.
Oh, and you know what's funny?
I had a dream last night
that I was slicing carrots,
and I cut off the tip
of my finger,
and it just bled and bled
and bled and bled.
And then I woke up,
and it was fine, so...
Okay! We got a minyan!
And it's my son
who closed the deal.
Meet Jacob...
milkman extraordinaire
and a son of Israel. Ha!
Thank you, Levi Feldman, for
leading us in the shaharith.
Now, as you've all noticed,
the baby's father Noah is
unfortunately not with us today.
He was called overseas at the
last minute on urgent business.
Yes, but not for the CIA
or anything. Nope.
But he gave
us his blessing to proceed.
And that we will do with aplomb.
I'd like to welcome
Mohel David Rosenbaum
to begin the Brit Milah.
Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.
It's an honor to be here today.
I'm hoping this goes better
than my last one.
There's nothing funny
about a mohel with hiccups.
There was another time
I had slept badly
the night before,
and I admit,
I was a little snippy.
Oh. Oh.
We've had funnier mohels,
I can tell you that.
All right, which one
you think's goin' down?
Easy. The tall guy in back.
I'm going with the lady in blue.
Abraham Weissman,
would you come join us, please?
And Astrid, if you please?
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Oh.
How does it feel, Abe?
Well, I never imagined
they would publish the piece
this quickly.
With hardly any editing.
It's wonderful.
I meant
to be holding your grandson.
- Well, that's good, too.
- Mm.
Let's proceed.
Mm.
Yes.
Here goes nothin'.
Mazel tov!
Yours didn't
technically go down.
Because those party poopers
caught her.
If they hadn't caught her,
she would have crumpled
- like a sack of potatoes.
- My guy fell clean. I win.
- It's a tie. Accept a tie.
- No way, no way.
And how did you pick the name,
Astrid?
Well, first name "Chaim"
for Abe's father,
middle name "Christian"
for my grandfather.
It's unusual.
The combination.
Can I get you anything, sweetie?
Uh, could you see if there's
been a telegram from Bahrain?
- Will do.
- Thank you.
She really named the child
"Chaim Christian"?
She really did.
Who in the world
besides Astrid would do that?
Sammy Davis, Jr.,
but that's why we love her.
"The United States
is an island of freedom,
"achievement and prosperity.
Nothing's more precious
than our American way of life."
- Pretty hokey.
- What is it?
It's the commercial
I'm doing tonight.
It's live, so I want
to be ready for it.
You want to run lines with me?
You can be my husband.
Phyllis Schlafly?
Yeah. She's a woman.
She's running for
something or other.
Congress. In Illinois.
- You know her?
- Of course I do.
I've been published in
The New York Times.
This is not a good woman.
How so?
She's a right-wing nutjob.
She's come out against Nixon.
Great. We don't like Nixon.
Because she thinks
he's too left-wing.
That doesn't sound real.
She also said that Eisenhower
only got in office
because of "secret kingmakers"
in New York.
I'm not sure if you know what
ethnicity she's referring to
with the words "kingmakers"
and "New York,"
but one of them just got part
of his penis cut off.
Well, then she's an idiot.
She's not.
That's what makes her dangerous.
This is who you're doing
a commercial for?
Well...
It's a paycheck.
Okay.
If you're going to have a voice,
you'd better be careful
what that voice says.
"With God on our side,
"this country will prevail
against the tides
- "of the Soviet threat."
- Agreed.
- Less than two minutes, Irene.
- Got it.
So the main broadcast
is happening down the hall.
When they give me the signal,
they'll throw it to us,
we do our thing,
we got 90 seconds,
then we throw it back.
This is so exciting.
Live broadcasts are the best.
Let's test that sound.
This is Johnny,
one-two, one-two.
That works. Midge?
Midge?
Sorry. Uh, one-two, one-two.
I guess that'll suffice.
Your girl drink too much
Karo Syrup last night?
- Where's her energy?
- She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie.
Don't wet your panties.
- 60 seconds to air.
- So the point is
to sound super wholesome.
Think freckled-faced,
blonde-haired kids,
picket fences,
ice cream socials.
You know, they want you
to sound like...
- America.
- Right.
Like America. Questions?
- Nope.
- Excellent.
Midge?
Midge?
I can't.
I'm sorry. What was that?
I can't do this.
This woman, this Schlafly
woman... she's awful.
I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.
She is racist and sexist
and she uses
way too much hairspray.
I don't want to speak for her.
I'm sorry, what did she say?
Not the best time
to be joking around
like this, Midge.
These comedians, they make jokes
and sometimes
they don't know
where the line is.
I'm not joking.
I'm not doing this.
- And you shouldn't either.
- Dickie?
Susie? Help, please.
Uh, Miriam?
Step up to the mic
and say the words.
Then I will buy you a hat.
30 seconds, Dickie.
Susie, do you have any idea
how horrible this woman is?
I think everybody's horrible.
Not as horrible as her.
But she's paying you,
which makes me like her.
So say the goddamn words.
Sorry. I'm out.
15 seconds, Dickie.
Miriam, you just recorded a spot
for a massage parlor in Newark.
Do you know how many
greasy hand jobs happen
on a daily basis
at a massage parlor in Newark?
This is on a whole
different scale.
This is a giant greasy hand job.
I'm getting the
countdown, Dickie. In five.
- Four. Three.
- Just a reminder, it's live!
- Miriam.
- Two.
"America... the land of promise.
"Honey, do you ever think about
the kind of world
you want our kids to inherit?"
Talk, goddamn it.
Shit.
Uh...
"It's all I can think about
"when I look into their sweet,
innocent faces
- and their big blue eyes."
- "But...
there are so many forces
working to usurp us."
"I know, dear.
"Like foreigners and Communists
who don't even think
we should fly the American flag
outside our little house."
"There's nothing wrong
with taking pride
"in the Stars and Stripes.
Here, lean in, honey."
"Oh, I love it
when you rub my nose."
"And there's nothing wrong
with taking pride
in our country's might."
"I was just explaining
to little Timmy this morning
"that the atomic bomb
is a marvelous gift
that was given to our country
by God."
Holy fuck,
this woman's a monster.
That's what I was saying.
What the hell is going on here?
- Plus, the segues are terrible.
- Irene!
"Did you also tell the children
that we can't let
"certain well-financed
minorities
determine America's future?"
- What the fuck?
- Where are we?
We really have to start reading
these contracts.
I did, and it said nothing
about this woman being Satan.
"that we can't let certain
well-financed minorities
determine America's future?"
Yes, I did, dear.
I told them to brush their teeth
and to not let certain
well-financed minorities,
um, have futures.
Something like that?
America, yay!
I'm sorry, where are we?
And, we're out.
So, does this pay cash
or check or... flags?
This woman's a monster.
Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place
is just not right for you guys.
I still can't figure out
how that pigeon got in.
I'm guessing the bathroom window
that's stuck open.
- Who is that?
- It's the real estate agent, Joan.
Hi, Mrs. Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.
We'll find you
the right apartment, Mama.
This is New York,
there's a million of them.
All right. Bye.
It's a tough market.
Especially in their price range.
- I'll keep looking.
- Thanks.
You all used to live right up
the street there, didn't you?
- At 385?
- Used to.
Such a beautiful building.
Well, tell your mother
not to worry.
We'll find something.
Will do.
♪ Stars shining bright
above you ♪
♪ Night breezes seem to whisper
"I love you..." ♪
Have a nice day,
Mr. and Mrs. Hollander.
- Afternoon.
- How... Mrs. Maisel.
- It's so good to see you.
- Hi, Antonio.
We were just saying
we can't eat a black and white
without thinking of you.
How we miss you.
The whole Weissman clan.
We miss you, too.
J-Jerry, look who
the cat dragged in.
How are you, Mrs. Maisel?
I'm very well, Jerry.
What can we do for you?
Take me to nine?
Would that be all right?
Of course. Your old floor.
I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
Come with me.
You look healthy, Jerry.
- I swam.
- Oh, you're swimming?
- Just the one time.
- Good for you.
I'll wait for you,
Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you, Jerry.
♪ Say nighty-night
and kiss me ♪
It's the second
time I tripped over them.
♪ Just hold me tight
and tell me you'll miss me... ♪
This whole room
looks like a pigsty.
Hello?
♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪
I'm gonna count to three.
One, two, three.
both of you here anymore.
Your father is going to be
in Missouri,
and you'll be scrounging
for food on the streets.
And you're going in
for your nap, Ronald.
- Accept it.
- Ah, Mom!
Your nap is not optional.
- Ronald. Ronald.
- Midge?
- Ronald! Now come on.
- Midge?
- Wash your hands and get your jammies on.
- Midge?
Your son is not cooperating!
He's running around naked
and the people across the way
- can see!
- Why is my grandson naked?
That is a question
for your grandson, Abe.
He has a mind of his own.
Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.
- Grab him!
- I soaped him up
so he keeps
slipping out of my grasp.
I got him. Oh, whoa, whoa.
- I don't got him.
- The neighbors are looking!
We should be charging for this.
Midge! We need you.
Miriam,
cut him off in the foyer!
Midge! Midge!
Hello?
Oh, you scared me.
Although, I should be
the one scaring you.
I pretty much broke in
to your place.
It's okay, I think.
I used to live here,
in this apartment.
My parents were upstairs.
I grew up here.
That's sweet.
It's a great place.
I'm gonna miss it.
Guys, please stop yelling!
- You're moving?
- My husband's a researcher,
and he lives by grants,
so we're nomads.
Next week,
it's off to St. Louis.
Okay, all you did was
get louder!
I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.
No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.
- I'm not a baby!
- Can I see the kitchen?
- It's all yours.
- Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over.
Your father's going
to hear about this!
♪ Sweet dreams
till sunbeams find you ♪
♪ Sweet dreams that leave ♪
♪ All worries behind you ♪
♪ But in your dreams ♪
♪ Whatever they be ♪
♪ Dream a little dream ♪
♪ Of me. ♪
Sorry... coming through.
No, don't get up.
Excuse me.
What are you looking at?
How's it going backstage?
Sophie was chatting it up
with Gavin and Moira.
Gave 'em each a bottle
of scotch, wished them well.
Now she's having a weird,
quiet moment.
She left her awful dogs at home.
So far, so good.
How are you feeling?
I think I'm excited. I think
that's what this feeling is.
Good. She put you
through a lot,
and you pulled this off.
This is your night
as much as hers.
Now, enjoy it.
Oh,
tonight, Miss Julie
is crazy again.
Absolutely crazy.
So you've returned.
I took the count
to the station,
and when I came back,
I saw Miss Julie dancing
with the gamekeeper.
And then she rushed up to me
and asked me
to dance the waltz with her.
She's crazy.
And always has been,
but never the way it's been
this last fortnight,
since her engagement was broken.
Do you know how it happened, Christine?
They were in the stable,
and she was training him,
as she called it.
She made him leap
over her horse whip,
the way you teach
a dog to jump.
- - Hey,
duchess, you ever hear of a cough drop?
- Susie, shh.
- It's a classy fuckin' play.
Now, what do you have
that's tasty, Christine?
Oh, just some kidney that
I cut out of the veal roast.
Ah, good.
Oh, Jean, won't you dance
with me when I'm done?
- Of course I will.
- Do you promise?
Promise?
When I say so, I do it. Mm.
And thanks for the good food.
Tasted fine.
Is this supposed
to be happening?
Shh.
Very fine, indeed, Christine.
Tasted fine.
Come on, come on.
I'll be back in a minute,
You go right on in the meantime.
Tell me, is it
almost done, Christine?
The ladies are having
secrets, I believe.
That is for you, Jean.
Oh, what a delicious odor
that violet has.
Mm, impudent.
So you understand perfumes also.
And know pretty well
how to dance.
Do not peek.
No, no, no, go away.
Uh-oh.
Is it
some kind of witches' broth
the ladies are cooking
on Midsummer Eve?
Something to tell fortunes by
and bring out the lucky star
in which one's
future love is seen?
If you can see that,
you have very good eyes indeed.
Is she supposed to be
so quiet?
No, you're supposed to be able
to hear it.
Come dance with me, Jean.
I had promised to
dance with Christine this time.
Well, Christine can get
someone else, Gavin.
Did she say "Gavin"?
Shit. Shit.
I don't want to be impolite,
but I truly made a promise.
Now I can't hear him.
She can get somebody else.
Louder. Louder.
She can get somebody
else, can't you, Christine?
Will you let me borrow
Jean from you? Huh?
That isn't for me to
say, Miss Julie.
Frankly speaking,
is it wise for Miss Julie
to dance twice
with the same partner?
People will start to talk.
What is that?
What kind of talk?
What do you mean?
They sound like my grandparents.
It doesn't look well
to prefer one servant
to all the rest.
Prefer? What ideas!
I am surprised.
I, the mistress of the house...
It's fine. She's just projecting
for the back row.
Yeah, of Yankee Stadium?
And when it so happens
I want to dance,
I want to dance with one
who knows how to lead
so I am not made ridiculous.
As you command, Miss Julie.
I am at your service.
Oh,
don't take it as a command.
Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
Tonight,
all rank should be forgotten.
Christine will make
a pleasant wife.
Perhaps she snores, too.
No, she doesn't.
But she talks in her sleep.
How do you know?!
I've heard it.
Give me something to drink.
We have nothing but beer.
Beer?!
I didn't know you were
serving breakfast.
I can't watch.
I can't watch.
I can't not.
You want some for yourself?
A polite gentleman should
keep a lady company.
Wouldn't be proper
in your presence.
Are you bashful,
a big, grown-up man?
Tout suite. Julie's thirsty.
- We love you, Sophie.
- We love you, Sophie.
To the health
of my liege lady.
Bravo! Ha ha!
Ahh.
Now...
Kiss my shoe.
This part's in the play.
Boop.
- Kiss it!
- Yeah, kiss it.
Well, it looks like
someone was hungry
for some moo shoe pork.
Huh? And unfortunately,
I just left the stables.
Hey, don't worry,
after the stables,
I washed 'em off...
in a toilet.
Put that on your plate, huh?
The other day, I was hanging out
by the cows,
and one of the farmhands
tried to milk me.
And my last husband
never kissed my shoe,
but he always had a foot
in his mouth.
Aw, it's so filthy
here in the country.
My clothes are so dirty...
How dirty are they?
My clothes are so dirty,
my washboard needs a washboard.
Ooh.
The count is back.
You mean Count Dracula?
Is that where you got
that big hickey on your neck?
It wasn't me.
Well, folks, we're close enough
to the finish line, I think.
Everybody's sad,
I go off to die.
Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
See ya!
Susie, wait.
We love you, Sophie!
Oh, thank you very much. Oh...
Oh, look, you got Sophie's
hay fever going.
Ah-choo!
Thank you.
Oh.
I hate you.
Theater hates you!
- Sophie. -:
Sophie, Sophie...
Fucking stop.
Sophie, fucking stop!
Hey! Hey, I got something
for your flight.
What the fuck just happened?
'Cause I know you did not
just trash that production.
I know I must have eaten
some spoiled cheese
or a hash brownie
and hallucinated
that on the opening night
of your Broadway premiere,
you chose to flush it
all down the shitter.
What are you talking about?
This is your fault.
My fault?
I am the biggest
comedy star in America,
and you chose to dump that
and have me act.
Act in this ridiculous farce
of a play.
I had never even heard
of Strindberg before I met you.
You should have stopped me.
You're my manager.
You fired Harry Drake
because he stopped you
from doing Strindberg,
you whacko. Remember?
Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis
from doing A Raisin in the Sun.
It's what a good manager does.
Goddamn it, Sophie.
You asked me
to get you a shot.
I got you a shot
and you chickened out.
You choked.
How dare you!
I went out on a limb for you.
Bernie went out
on a limb for you.
The investors went out
on a limb for you.
Fucking asshole
tennis-playing Milken
went out on a limb for you!
We got Gavin Hawk
to star opposite you.
You were all conspiring
against me.
- Hey, call Bellevue. Tell 'em to bring a net.
- Especially you.
Why, Sophie?
Why would I do that?
For her.
You were trying to prop her up
by bringing me down.
- Let's go.
- You're walking away from me?
Yeah, I'm walking away.
Because you are nothing
but a fraud,
with your Jell-O
and your stuck-up butler
and your lemon wedges.
And you want to know what
the really sad thing is, Sophie?
You could have done it.
I watched you rehearse
every single day,
and you were good.
Fuck that, you were great.
A great fucking serious actress.
And you had it all right there
in the palm of your hand,
and all you had to do was
have the guts to follow through
and do it, and you didn't.
You fuckin' folded
like a deck of cards.
- Harry knew.
- Harry knew what?
That you didn't have the stuff
to make it on Broadway.
He was no idiot.
He knew.
And I do not have
to take you down for her.
You are not her competition.
You are not even
in the same league.
She's got guts.
That is the difference
between Midge Maisel
and the great Sophie Lennon.
You're a star, for now,
but she is gonna be
a goddamn legend.
I'm setting those
fuckin' birds loose
the minute I get home.
♪ I want to sink to the bottom
with you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
♪ I just want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ Cars on the highway,
planes in the air ♪
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
♪ But I'm going nowhere,
getting there soon ♪
♪ I might as well just ♪
♪ Sink down with you ♪
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
♪ I just want to sink ♪
♪ To the bottom with you ♪
♪ And I just want to ♪
♪ Out on the highway,
up in the air ♪
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
♪ They're going nowhere,
and I'll be there, too ♪
♪ I might as well go
under with you ♪
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
- ♪ With you ♪
- ♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
♪ I just want to. ♪