The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Strike Up the Band - full transcript
Midge performs at a USO show ahead of touring with Shy while Susie learns the ins and outs of contract negotiation. Abe and Rose grapple with their new financial situation.
♪ ♪
Three hours
- for a person to do her hair.
- So what?
We have got to work on
this lateness thing.
I was not that late.
We were supposed to be here
at 12:00.
- It's 12:30.
- Now you're getting it.
- I'm not on first.
- That's not the point.
If they call my name
and I'm there,
- then I am not late.
- Yeah, that's not how lateness works.
- There's a clock involved.
- Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Hey, don't go all
Gershwin on me.
This is the big leagues, kid.
Got to start acting like
professionals.
- So then where's your blazer?
- What?
Your fancy new blazer.
You're scared to wear it.
How could I be scared
of a fucking blazer?
Are you?
- It's dry clean only.
- This is the big leagues, kid.
- 12:30 is fucking late.
- Still tapping.
Present and accounted for,
- except Mrs. Maisel.
- What's a Mrs. Maisel?
A singer, I assume, sir.
- Who are you?
- SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel.
- I just told him.
- He was asking me.
You're late. This is
the Army, you're not supposed
- to be late in the Army.
- I'll remember not to enlist.
- Hey, we are not late.
- What? -What?
We were told to be here at 12:30
and we're here at 12:30
on the dot,
Miriam Maisel is never late.
- Aw, you lied for me.
- Fuck you.
- There she is.
- Sergeant Mitchell Burns.
Master of Ceremonies
is Major Buck Brillstein.
For the purposes of this show,
you will call him Buck.
- Very reasonable.
- He'll say your name.
Wave, smile and exit
the other side of the stage.
Can I smile, wave
instead of wave, smile?
- You cannot.
- So serious, Mitchell.
Where'd your little boy go?
- You mean Tom?
- I... No.
- No, who's Tom?
- My little boy.
Abort, abort, abort.
Right, so I exit the stage.
Wait, I do? This isn't my set?
No. Just your intro.
When you do go on,
you do 20 minutes,
applause, bow,
you introduce Shy Baldwin,
you leave the stage,
but stay close.
At the end of the show,
everyone comes on for a chorus
of "White Christmas"
and pictures
with the troops. Yes?
W-What if I don't know
"White Christmas?"
Who doesn't know
"White Christmas?"
Well, me. I'm Jewish.
I mean, we don't...
We celeb...
Oh, "White Christmas." Yes.
- Yes, I know "White Christmas."
- Take her.
Hum a few bars?
Quite the grip you've got there.
I'm not gonna make a run for it,
I am here voluntarily.
- Take her.
- Bye.
Oh, I see this grip
comes standard issue.
Miss America 1959,
Mary Ann Mobley.
You don't happen
to know the words
to "White Christmas," do you?
Everyone's favorite housewife,
Mrs. Maisel.
- Go.
- Hiya, boys!
World hula hoop champion...
- Come.
- Oh, my...
My third soldier today.
This is how rumors get started.
Is this what they mean
by "flyboys"?
- Hey.
- Oy.
Sorry. I'm trying to...
What am I, your porter? Here.
I'm trying to find out
some info here,
but unless you have
boots and a buzz cut,
- nobody will look at you.
- Maisel.
- Why didn't you answer?
- I was waiting for you to answer.
You go on at 1:30.
- You mean 1330.
- 1:30 is fine.
- I'm doing army time.
- Good for you.
Be ready at one in case
we're ahead of schedule.
Think you mean 1300 hours,
right?
- Where can I get ready?
- Just tell me I'm right.
Private Fielding, look alive.
Hey, I spent a week
learning this shit.
- Take her to the green room.
- It's the Army.
Isn't every room a green room?
- You've got to give up.
- Never.
Ooh.
How the fuck
do I have these again?
I need to change.
Oh, wait, sorry.
- This is ours.
- But they told me
to grab any open space.
Oh, no, you have to sign up.
Did you sign up?
No one told me to sign up.
Oh, you're so pretty.
Thank you.
And... managed.
- You just standing there?
- Sorry.
So, rule number one
for this performance?
Don't say "fuck."
Rule number two
for this performance?
Do not say "fuck."
- Dress.
- And no dick jokes.
Army guys are sensitive
about dick jokes.
That's why they're in the Army.
How about big dick jokes? Catch.
What do you mean,
big dick jokes?
You know, what do leprechauns
and guys with big dicks
have in common? They're hard
to find and incredibly lucky.
Or, his dick was so big, the
mohel had to bring a machete.
Or, his dick was bigger
than Disneyland,
better rides, too.
Or, his dick was so big,
it wasn't a dick at all.
It was a Richard.
Oh, oh! His dick was so big,
even when he cheated on me,
his dick was the bigger dick.
- So no dick jokes.
- Yeah, keep it clean.
You all good?
I'm gonna to make a call.
I'm good, go.
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
♪ Praise the Lord ♪
♪ And pass the ammunition ♪
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
♪ And we'll all stay free ♪
♪ Praise the Lord
and swing into position ♪
♪ Can't... ♪
Fred, phone.
You got to order something.
We got Sanka.
- He got Sanka.
- Susie?
- You got 'em?
- Yes, we got 'em
but we still don't
understand the point here.
The point, Fred,
is I got to negotiate
this touring contract for Midge.
And other than saying
I'd like for her to go,
I don't know
what the hell to ask for.
And I don't want them to think
they're dealing with a nobody.
So, just give me some comps.
Tell me what other comics
at her level
made when they opened
for someone like Shy Baldwin.
Okay, but this is a big favor
we're doing for you here.
I had to sneak these contracts
out in my bowling bag.
Now I don't have
my bowling ball.
Don't worry. Someday,
I'm gonna be in a position
to help you with something.
I will.
You don't think I will?
I don't know.
You're so volatile.
Just read me some numbers
before I use your nutsack
as a speed bag.
Okay, Georgie Jessel made
$10,000 a week
the last time he played
the Blue Angel.
Too big. I need
opening act numbers.
Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week.
- As an opening act?
- No, for The Phil Silvers Show.
Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember
the speed bag thing?
George Burns made $10 a week
before he met Gracie Allen.
George Burns made
$10 a week in 1921.
- What would that be today?
- $10.
- No, I mean in today's dollars.
- $10.
Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred.
Hey, here's something,
Murray Bringle made $300
opening for Lenny Fring.
Murray Bringle made $300
to open for Lenny Fring.
- Who's Murray Bringle?
- I don't know.
- Who's Lenny Fring?
- I don't know.
Tell her if she wants to be
taken seriously,
she needs a weird ask.
Yes. You need a weird ask.
What do you mean
I need a weird ass?
A weird ask.
Something in your contract
that's specifically weird
only to you.
Like, uh, all the pillows
in your room
have to have a cat design
on them.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have to.
They'll never take you
seriously if you don't.
Well, how weird
does it have to be?
Gleason needs two bottles
of Old Forester Bourbon,
a well-done steak,
and a Polaroid
of what the steak looked like
before it was cooked.
George Burns has fresh flowers,
Cuban cigars,
six pairs of socks,
and a bowl of butter pats.
Lenny Fring
had to have cheesecloth,
a length of rope,
and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
Wow. Now I really want to know
this Lenny Fring.
Hey, would you mind
blowing my brains out?
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
♪ Boom, shoo, dup,
ba, dum ♪
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
♪ We got a little cozy
at the corner shop ♪
♪ We finished every drop,
but then the boy says ♪
♪ "One more," gives me a look ♪
♪ That makes my stomach drop,
somebody call the cops ♪
♪ 'Cause I can see
I'm done for, oh ♪
♪ Shake it up and watch it
bubble, he's gonna go ♪
♪ And get us both in trouble ♪
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top... ♪
Quick, I need a pencil.
Oh, uh... What did they say?
Don't talk. I'll forget.
Okay, what did those idiots say?
Uh, Gleason minus George
minus Gracie,
add back a Sahl
and divide by Bringle.
- Who's Bringle?
- He opened for Fring.
- Who's Fring?
- Doesn't matter.
Okay, if my calculations
are right,
seems like a guy opening
for a Shy Baldwin
would make about $5,500
for six months.
Wow. So we ask for $5,500.
- No. We ask for $4,500.
- Bringle got $5,500.
- Well, Bringle's got a...
- Dick.
- Yeah.
- But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me.
- Really? That's a lot.
- I know.
It would take me
more than a year
to make that much at B. Altman.
I know. 450 bucks,
plus I'll be subletting
my apartment to Jackie.
This means I'm gonna be making
the most money I made since...
ever. Since ever.
- So we sign.
- Yes.
Oh, and we have to come up
with something weird.
Like, you need baby goats
in your dressing room,
or all your hand towels
have to be from Windsor Castle.
Oh, can we get that?
I would love that.
- You're still pretty.
- Mrs. Maisel.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- You're up.
1330 on the dot.
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top ♪
- ♪ So I don't want to stop ♪
- ♪ Don't want to stop ♪
♪ Like a bottle of pop... ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ He's my bottle of pop. ♪
Once again, the Silver Belles!
Now I hope that you're
ready to laugh because next up
is a very funny lady.
She's gonna be opening up for
Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour
that kicks off next month,
and you get a preview right now.
Emphasis on the view,
it is a good one.
So give a nice Army welcome
for Mrs. Maisel!
- Tits up.
- Tits up.
Hi!
Hi! Hi!
Hello!
Wow, wow, wow!
My goodness,
that is a lot of khaki.
And I just realized
it is actually a very flattering
color for most skin tones.
I know you're relieved.
I just want you to know
how much I admire you guys.
I could never be brave enough
to wear the same outfit
every day.
My brother toyed
with joining the Army.
He loved the idea
of serving his country,
but then he snapped
a rubber band in his eye
and that was the end of that.
You guys have a lot of rules
here, which I totally get.
You need rules.
Women learn rules
from women's magazines.
I can't make a move
without consulting
Family Circle
or Harper's Bazaar.
Otherwise, I'd have no idea what
shade of red drives a man crazy.
Little hint: it's the one
with the least amount
of fabric involved.
You guys don't have magazines
like that, do you?
You could really use
an Army Men's Monthly
or Gunboat Daily. You know,
you could read helpful articles
like, uh,
"Fashion for Foxholes,"
"Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz,"
"How to Get Your Commanding
Officer to Notice You."
Oh, oh, oh, here's one,
"Camouflage: How to Stand Out
While Blending In."
And for you generals
in the audience,
"How to Take Care
of Your Privates."
Oh! Here's the best,
- "Killing Men and Loving It."
- Funny little lady.
She is.
You know, a lot of top-notch
entertainers come through here.
- Uh-huh.
- Bob Hope played here.
Right on that stage.
Milton Berle, been here twice.
You know how much you'd
have to pay to see Bob Hope
- at the Copacabana?
- A lot.
And then some.
Yeah, the army life
is a good life.
Job security, three squares
a day, excitement, travel.
- You like to travel?
- Uh, sure.
It's a great organization.
Waking up every day,
proud to be an American.
Proud to serve your country,
you know?
Do I?
Well, have you ever
thought about joining up?
Me? Oh, uh, no.
- Strong young man like yourself.
- I'm not that young.
- Can you play the bugle?
- I do not play the bugle.
Oh. We need a bugler.
I just thought I'd ask.
- Ah, sorry.
- You got the cheeks for it.
- Okay.
- Well, doesn't matter.
There's a place for everyone
in the Army.
Plus, you get benefits
up the ass.
Well, I don't need anything
up my ass at the moment,
- but thank you.
- Think about it.
I will.
It'll never leave my mind again.
Trust me.
I feel nothing.
You guys have
your own language here.
It's so fun.
A soldier said
he was gonna
go sit on the honey bucket,
and I was like, "I've been
called a lot of things, pal..."
I almost smacked him.
So I got to keep
out of trouble here.
Maybe you fellas could
run some jargon by me?
Make sure I understand it.
What are some
of your other phrases?
Direct support.
Too easy.
That's what I'm wearing
under my dress right now.
Zone of action.
Everything not covered by
the direct support I'm wearing.
Rear guard.
- Diaper cream.
- Attack position.
Friendly fire.
A cute redhead.
- Frontal fire.
- Shock action.
Frontal fire and shock action?
Isn't frontal fire
what you contract
when you have shock action
with the wrong girl overseas?
- Huh?
- Withdrawal.
Congratulations, you're a daddy.
Oh, boy.
Well, you sure know how
to make a girl feel welcome.
That's all for me today.
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
You boys stay safe out there,
'cause you're just
too cute to lose.
Thank you and good night.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
What?
Oh, shit, sorry.
Hi. Remember me? I'm back.
Uh, I completely forgot
to introduce Shy Baldwin.
Thank you.
I mean, he thanks you.
Uh, he's so great.
A terrific singer
and such a nice guy,
and he gave me my break.
So... here he is.
We're gonna work on that.
- So, what have we learned?
- What?
Even when you do have a stroke,
you do it adorably.
♪ ♪
♪ The stars shine ♪
♪ Your eyes catch mine ♪
♪ And your light
is all I can see ♪
♪ Could there be
one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Counting one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ 'Cause you're here
smiling at me ♪
♪ The strings play ♪
♪ You move my way ♪
♪ I'm soaring, now I guarantee ♪
♪ There must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Don't tell one less angel
in heaven ♪
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ 'Cause look
who's dancing with me ♪
♪ Oh, now I'm scared ♪
♪ I'm scared to close my eyes ♪
♪ And open them
to find you've flown away ♪
♪ I know that I should keep ♪
♪ My feelings in disguise ♪
♪ But, darling,
there is something ♪
♪ That I've got to say ♪
♪ My baby, my angel ♪
♪ Now please won't you stay ♪
♪ My heart stops ♪
♪ The music drops ♪
♪ The world
falls away suddenly ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ There must be ♪
♪ One angel less in heaven ♪
♪ There was
one less angel in heaven ♪
♪ My baby said yes ♪
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ My angel loves me ♪
♪ She said she loves me ♪
♪ Oh, that's heaven to me ♪
♪ That's ♪
♪ Heaven to me ♪
♪ That's heaven to me. ♪
And we bought it
from the sweetest old lady.
The house is wonderful,
Mrs. Maisel.
It's my dream home.
My absolute dream home.
Moishe promised that one day
we'd have a home just like this.
In Queens.
It's got a great tree.
A man is not a man
until he's got a tree.
Wait. Moishe.
Where's the kitchen?
There's no kitchen
on these plans.
What did that bitch
do with our kitchen?
You're looking
on the second floor, Shirl.
- Look on the first floor.
- Oh.
Hey. You still looking
for a club, right?
- Looking, not finding.
- I heard about a place.
I want no part
of your dastardly schemes.
It's my button guy, he's been
using this space for storage
for 20 years
and he just gave it up.
He's a bigger deal now...
Got into zippers.
Said it was a club once.
Uh, still has a stage and a bar,
- there's even furniture.
- Really?
Great downtown location,
surrounded by subways.
And it's not a dump?
All I've seen are dumps.
Teardowns.
I'm fixing this place up myself,
got to keep power tools
to a minimum.
I'll get you the address.
Go see for yourself.
Daddy, another lady
left her lipstick.
- Thanks, kiddo.
- Go check it out.
- Say it again.
- We're gonna live in Queens!
Yes! Yes. Yes.
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Our homeward step ♪
♪ Was just as light ♪
♪ As the tap dancing feet ♪
♪ Of Astaire ♪
♪ And like an echo ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ A nightingale sang ♪
♪ In Berkeley Square ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ 'Cause I was there ♪
♪ That night in Berkeley ♪
♪ Square ♪
Really?
Thank you very much.
That's the great Shy Baldwin!
I am so sorry about
the introduction, Shy.
I promise I will never
do that again.
Susie Myerson
of Susie Myerson and Associates.
I promise she will never
do that again.
Susie is my manager.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
Hey, question:
were you ever fat?
- No.
- You sound fat on your albums.
Shy, I don't what happened
to the mic stand.
It's the Army.
If you can't kill someone
with it, they-they don't care.
- Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson.
- Ah...
- This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz.
- Hello.
Myerson. You're the one I've
been talking to six times a day.
- And you're Lou?
- Yes.
Hmm.
You don't sound bald.
Thank you. So,
it's nice to have you with us.
Everything good?
You need anything?
Here. Once the tour starts,
you'll have your regular
weekly per diem.
But for now, let Uncle Lou.
That's for cab fare,
train fare, candy bars,
hair pins, feminine products,
whatever you need.
- Well, thank you, Lou.
- You're welcome.
I need that contract.
Uh, we will be countering soon.
And more than once.
But not too much more, but more.
And we got some
really weird asks, so be ready.
We are both total idiots today.
All right, now I think it's time
you boys sing for your supper.
- What do you say?
- Yeah!
Shall I leave you two alone?
I just love money.
You know?
Smells great. Feels great.
It looks great.
Just be careful.
It can break your heart.
Hey, where's that pay phone?
I need to make a call.
Spreading peace, not war.
I need a volunteer.
Hold on.
Ethan.
Not the floor.
- Hello?
- Bad time?
No, it's not a bad time.
Ethan, not the furniture!
Do I want to know?
He discovered
the Maisel and Roth stamp.
- Oh, boy.
- Yes. Well,
maybe he'll be
postmaster general someday.
One can hope.
So, how are you?
Uh, a little crazy.
- Where are you?
- What? Why?
- Is it a secret?
- No, it is not.
I just hear voices.
I'm doing a USO show today.
Here in the city.
Warm-up gig before the tour.
- You go on yet?
- I did.
You knock 'em dead?
I did. Literally.
Bumped into a missile and blew
up the barracks.
- So...
- Ethan,
not your sister!
Go ahead.
I'm sorry I snuck out
the other night.
- That's okay.
- I just had to get up early,
and you were sleeping
so soundly.
No explanation needed.
Okay. Good.
I didn't want you
to feel stiffed.
I mean, earlier in the night
I did want you to feel stiffed,
but not stiffed, like...
Really, it's no big deal at all.
Okay.
I just noticed...
What?
You didn't call.
You didn't call, either.
I know.
I just thought you'd call.
Well, I didn't think there was
anything to call about.
Zelda was gonna bring the kids
over the next day.
I was gonna drop them off
on Wednesday.
- I know the schedule.
- So why would I call?
- Midge?
- Yes?
You mad?
- Nope.
- Did I do something wrong?
No.
You did everything right.
Twice.
S-so thanks for that.
Hey. You said one night.
And I heard you.
I just thought you'd follow up.
Something happens,
you follow up.
A guy comes to fix
your dishwasher,
he calls later to follow up.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
Midge, no dishwasher repairman
in the world
calls later to follow up.
Well, when our dishwasher broke,
the guy called later
to follow up,
and I appreciated it.
If he did call to follow up,
it wasn't on the state
of the dishwasher.
Oh, so now I fucked
the dishwasher repairman?
- Is that what you're implying?
- No.
I'm saying that
a dishwasher repairman
doesn't give a shit
about your dishwasher
- the minute he leaves the house.
- Oh, so that's it.
You don't care about
my dishwasher anymore?
If it works or doesn't work,
it means nothing to you at all.
I am not a dishwasher
repairman, Midge!
If you know anything about me,
it's not that I cannot repair
a fucking dishwasher!
I know you can't repair
a dishwasher.
- That wasn't what I was saying.
- Well, what were you saying?
I don't know. I've totally lost
the thread of this conversation.
You made it very, very clear:
one night only.
I was not supposed to think
it was anything
more than it was.
So I didn't.
I took you at your word
and kept to the script.
I did what you asked me to do.
I just thought you'd call.
Did you want me to call?
Did you change your mind?
I'm not mad.
Listen... I have to go.
Ethan's found the packing tape,
and I don't know
where Esther is.
- I'll call you later.
- Bye.
Who is it?
It's me.
Hello, darling! Mm.
Flowers?
You had sex with my sister?
So, just to be clear,
this is Chinatown.
Yes, this is Chinatown.
Something that Pop
did not mention.
Excuse me.
This is 227 Bayard Street.
- Yes?
- Bayard.
I don't think he speaks English.
What would I do without you,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
It's a mess,
but the bones are good.
The bones are very good.
Chinatown.
You think people will come
to a club in Chinatown?
- If the drinks are strong
and the music's hot.
Thank you.
Must be the lease.
- In Chinese?
- And English. Thank God.
There's a dead rat over here.
We'd have to get rid of that.
Geez, is that really the price?
It's good.
Whoa! Here's another one.
Poor thing.
He choked on a button.
And the price is locked in
for five years?
Uh... immediate occupancy?
I could take it now?
I think I could take it now.
I can't tell if I'm a genius
or an idiot.
Well, what do you think?
We've seen a lot of shitholes.
At least this one
comes with a bar, a stage,
and some wildlife.
Your optimism is contagious,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
Who doesn't
like wildlife, right?
You know what?
I'll take it.
♪ ♪
♪ I'm dreaming of ♪
♪ A white Christmas ♪
♪ Just like the ones ♪
♪ I used to know ♪
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
♪ And children listen ♪
♪ To hear sleigh bells
in the snow ♪
♪ Snow ♪
♪ I'm ♪
♪ Dreaming of a ♪
- ♪ White Christmas ♪
- mas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card
I write ♪
♪ May your days ♪
♪ Be merry ♪
♪ And bright ♪
♪ And may all your ♪
♪ Christmases ♪
♪ Be white. ♪
That's all for us,
tonight, fellas.
You stay safe,
and God bless America!
Can I have a picture,
Mrs. Maisel?
- Me, too.
- Easy, boys.
- You'll bruise the merchandise.
- Hey, let's throw you
- in the jeep for a shot with some of the men.
- Sure.
Yeah, nothing like
a heartwarming
Christmas time gangbang photo
to send home to the family.
A photo in the jeep
will be fine.
Okay, everyone,
say, "Government cheese!"
- Government cheese!
- Ooh!
Merry Christmas, fellas.
- Better get one more.
- Huh?
Government cheese!
Got it.
Thank you, boys.
Have a great Christmas.
- Whew.
- Good job today.
Thanks, Mitchell.
Good luck invading Cuba.
We'll see you tonight
at 1900 hours.
- Oh, now you do army time.
- What time is 1900 hours?
- 6:00.
- 7:00.
- Fuck.
- And what's happening then?
There's a dance at the canteen
for the boys.
We like everyone to go,
all the talent.
Did you know about this?
No one ever mentioned
a canteen dance.
- What do you think?
- I don't have an outfit.
There's one right there
on your body.
- Everyone's already seen it.
- Then wear the one you came in.
That's a traveling outfit.
You know these guys don't give a
shit what you're wearing, right?
They're all picturing you
without your clothes on anyway.
I'm representing Shy.
I have to look a certain way.
Look, I've yet to win
a clothing argument,
- so it ain't gonna happen.
- But it's tradition.
It's for the boys.
I guess I could go home
and grab an outfit.
- Can someone give us a ride?
- I can arrange that.
- Private Lawrence.
- I think I'm gonna stay here
and wait for you.
You sure you don't want to go
home and grab your fancy blazer?
- For the boys?
- Don't want to overwhelm them.
Okay. Be back as soon as I can.
Goddamn it.
Susie Myerson.
Phone call for Susie Myerson.
Susie Myerson.
Oh, there you are.
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I'm over at your apartment.
What the hell are you doing
at my apartment?
I'm getting the place ready
for my sublet.
You don't expect me
to live like you do.
Get out of my apartment.
Relax. I'm just taking
some measurements.
For what?
You need drapes.
The whole fucking street
can watch you do
whatever weird shit you do.
- No drapes.
- It's too sad. There's no feminine touch.
- Jackie!
- Anyhow,
I'm here and someone shows up
who wants to talk to you.
Who? Jackie.
Jackie?
Who?
Why do you live here?
Let me rephrase that.
You don't live here.
Not anymore. I forbid it.
- Sophie.
- I am
furious with you.
- It's rent-controlled.
- Not about that.
- I know I owe you a call.
- A call? You owe me a call?
I asked you to be my manager.
You owe me more than a call.
- Your manager? No shit?
- Never speak again.
I offered you
the chance of a lifetime,
and then I sat by the phone
like a virgin on prom night.
Finally, I realized
you were not going to call.
I was gonna call.
So I had to come to you.
Here.
Below 14th Street.
I had to walk down stairs.
I had to
touch a doorknob that was alive.
I had to talk to your husband.
- He's not my fucking husband!
- I'm not her husband.
- Give me a fucking heart attack.
- Christ, my fucking heart.
Well, why is someone
who is not your husband
neck-deep in my fur?
- Can't answer that.
- It's freezing in here.
It is freezing in here.
Sophie, I'm sorry, really,
but can I call you back later?
- Where are you?
- At a USO show.
- I don't do USO shows.
- It's not for you.
Well, then I don't want
to hear about it
or any other excuse
you might be conjuring up.
I don't give a flying merde.
Do you understand
who I am?
What I am to this business?
- I do.
- And yet you made me track you down.
The last time I had to
track someone down
was to tell Desi Arnaz
he gave me the clap.
I'm sorry,
about this and the clap.
The clap was worth it.
This isn't.
Now I have been patient,
and I'm out of patience.
I want an answer to my question
and I want it right now.
Are you my manager
or are you not?
Rose, I don't understand why...
What is that?
- I demand you tell me
exactly what you...
Okay, maybe demand's too strong.
I want you to see
what our lives cost.
I know what it cost, and you're
smoking in the house.
How much does Zelda make?
Zelda makes $30 a week.
- Wrong.
- What do you mean wrong?
You can't just say
"wrong" to me.
Zelda makes $60 a week.
That's impossible.
I pay her $30.
- And then I pay her the rest.
- With what?
With the money
from my trust fund.
You really think we live
like this on your salary?
You really think that Miriam
has all those fabulous clothes
because you were
a professor at Columbia?
The vacations, the dinners,
the cocktail parties...
You think all that exists
because you taught
eight hyper-intelligent,
emotionally-retarded eunuchs
to draw symbols on a chalkboard.
I think you're oversimplifying
my classes.
Do you know one other professor
who lives the way we do?
- Milk is 49 cents a gallon?
- Not one.
They all have drab clothes and
gray skin and they die young.
You're telling me that you paid
for all of these things
- out of your trust fund?
- Yes.
You told me that trust fund
was just there
to buy me birthday presents.
Well, happy fucking birthday,
Abe.
Now cut the crap
and go get our lives back.
This is ridiculous.
All this talk is about
possessions and things.
I mean, look at this apartment.
Who needs all these rooms?
A living room, a dining room,
a kitchen, two bathrooms.
I have a room, you have a room,
Miriam has a room,
her children have a room.
And the coup de grâce:
this whole room
is for our daughter's clothes.
Clothes and clothes
and more clothes and...
I was never
a materialistic man, Rose.
I cared about science
and thought
and bettering mankind.
Now look at me.
I'm wearing two sweaters.
Rose, tell me,
when did I become a man
who needs five bedrooms?
When did I become a man
who-who needs a linen closet?
When did I become a man
who has a maid?
When did I change?
When did I become this selfish,
materialistic man?
Th-The kind of man
I used to despise.
- When you married me.
- I didn't say that!
Hi, it's me!
I just have to change
and get back to the airfield.
Hey, what happened
to my clothes?
Have you worn all these dresses?
- Have I...
- Because I don't think
you've been on Earth long enough
even at a rate of two per day.
- Okay, what is happening?
- What do you mean, "What is happening"?
- Have you not been paying attention?
- She never pays attention.
Our whole lives
are going down the toilet.
- Where the hell have you been?
- She's been out.
Doing whatever it is
she does at night.
Oh, and I suppose
that's my fault, too.
- You know what I'm doing at night.
- If you hadn't met me,
then I wouldn't be
Miriam's mother
and she wouldn't be turning
to prostitution
- instead of being married.
- I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic.
- Is there a difference?
- Yes, prostitutes get paid more.
Hilarious.
- You should go into comedy.
- I did.
I can't deal with you now.
I have enough to worry about.
Yes. You have to figure out
where we're gonna live.
- Okay.
- How we're gonna pay for it.
- Enough.
- And the going rate of Zelda.
- So you took it out on my clothes?
- He saved you the trouble.
You have to move them anyway
because this is not
- our home anymore.
- It was never ours. Columbia always owned it.
We would've had to move
eventually.
- Yes, when we died.
- Still, a deadline.
- Oh.
- Blue dress, blue dress.
- What are you doing?
- I need a dress for tonight.
You see? Selfish. That's
the daughter that we raised.
Now wait a minute, don't turn
whatever this fight is
around on me.
I am hardly
the selfish one here.
What does that mean?
I couldn't believe it
when Mama told me what you did.
- What I did when?
- Columbia? Quitting?
Giving up the apartment?
I am still in shock.
That situation has nothing
to do with you.
What are you talking about?
I live here.
My children live here.
But you shouldn't be
living here, should you?
You shouldn't be living here,
your children
shouldn't be living here.
You should be living
with your husband,
- at your own place.
- My husband walked out.
Sure, but then
another one walked in.
Yes, a doctor.
What the hell happened
with Benjamin anyway?
- You know what happened
with Benjamin. No.
- I don't.
- We were looking through magazines, planning menus.
- And I had to sit with him all morning.
- I told you,
- it wasn't right.
- Is it another man?
- No. No.
- No?
- No?
- Seriously, break the logjam.
I'd follow her if I were you.
Mama. Mama, can we please
finish this conversation?
"Dear Upper West Side, thank you
for bringing your umbrella.
"I'm at The Den
Friday and Saturday night
"if you feel like dropping by.
If not, I'll see you next time
I'm in town. Lenny."
- Who is Lenny?
- Lenny's a sissy's name.
- Lenny Bruce.
- Bruce is a thug's name.
- He's a comedian.
- Oh, God.
So this Lenny Bruce is the
reason that you left Benjamin?
- What? No.
- He sends you flowers.
I am not spending
the morning with him.
You can tell him that right now.
Will you listen to me?
I said he was just a friend.
I can't believe
you dropped a surgeon
to go out with some comedian.
I did not drop Benjamin
for Lenny.
You are frivolous and flighty.
And that's what happens
when you let someone
have an entire room for skirts.
Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that
she's like that, is that it?
I didn't say that,
but I am not her shopping buddy.
Oh, you know what, I've had it.
I'm tired of hearing
my husband of 31 years
blame me for everything.
Blame me because he's not
a freedom fighter.
Blame me because
he's not Che Guevara.
That's ridiculous.
Che Guevara isn't Jewish.
I'm sorry, Abe.
I'm sorry that you weren't there
to bring Stalin down.
I'm sorry your hair's
not unkempt
and you're not growing
a full beard
and you're not fornicating
with syphilitic poets.
I'm sure your beatnik hero
Jack Krack-a-wack must be
- just rife with syphilis.
- Do you mean Jack Kerouac?
- Oh...
- Who?
Jack Kerouac.
On the Road?
Oh, for God's sake,
you should know him.
- You're young.
- I don't read. I...
How a daughter of mine developed
absolutely no intellectual
or social curiosity or sense
of responsibility is beyond me.
Oh, please. Please.
How dare you double-please me.
You don't even know
who Lenny Bruce is.
You blather on and on
about free speech.
He's out there getting arrested
in the name of free speech.
He's talking about things no one
has the balls to talk about.
You put down comedy
and what I do.
You don't even know
what goes on out there.
This guy is the real deal,
but you just scoff
and pretend that he's nothing.
That is ignorant.
You are ignorant.
Found my dress.
Well, you can wear that,
it's been on the floor...
It needs to be steamed.
And you quit your piano lessons!
When I was eight!
- You just quit. You're a quitter.
I hated piano.
Of course you hated piano...
Didn't come with a costume.
- I was a terrible player.
- The neighbors complained.
- My teacher used earplugs.
- But you should not have quit.
That sets the tone
for an entire life.
I have to go.
I have to work.
Ah. You quit piano,
you quit your marriage,
you quit Benjamin.
I wouldn't be surprised
if you quit
this comedy thing, too.
Never.
- So this is it.
- How do you already have keys?
I signed the lease,
they gave me the keys.
Joel Maisel,
strikes a hard bargain.
- Let it be known!
- How much?
- $500 a month. It's a steal.
- Hey!
- You've already got a bar.
- And a stage.
Probably needs shoring up,
but the layout's perfect.
What's with all the buttons?
One of my dad's suppliers
was using it as storage.
That's how I heard
about this place.
Buttons, buttons...
The Button Club.
There's your name.
Looks like I found
my creative director.
- I don't come cheap.
- That's not what I heard.
I think you got a bargain,
buddy. Really.
Timing's good, too.
Mom and Pop are in a good place,
and with my divorce
getting finalized now...
- Aw, shit.
- Nah, it's fine. It's good.
- Really. It's a new beginning.
- Okay. So when do we start?
- We?
- I'm your creative director. Try and stop me.
Unless you're Imogene,
who will try and stop me.
We'll need a couple of crowbars,
a ton of sandpaper...
- Joel?
- I don't know.
- Where does that door go?
- I never saw that door.
You leased a space
with a scary mystery door?
No. Yes.
I don't know.
- Archie?
- I don't know.
- Shit. Shit!
- You can say that again.
I've already signed a lease.
I've put money down.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
You the new tenants?
I'm the new tenant. What the
hell is going on in there?
- Where?
- Behind you, in there.
Nothing.
What's your name?
Forget my name.
What is that?
- Who are those people?
- Family gathering.
- Really? Your family?
- Yup.
- Yup. Yup.
- All of them?
- The guy serving drinks?
- My cousin.
- He was wearing a name tag.
- I have a lot of cousins.
Those people in there
are gambling.
- What? No.
- We saw dice, we saw cards.
They're throwing cash around.
I always liked this space.
What's it gonna be?
A club.
Look, don't change the subject.
I need to know what's going on.
I don't want to get tied up
in something illegal.
Nobody's gonna tie you up.
What kind of club?
I signed a lease,
I made a deposit.
You know, a long time ago,
this was a club. A magic club.
One night, the guy
made a woman disappear.
No one ever found her again.
Wait, what?
Something happened to her?
No, he was just
a really bad magician.
- Listen...
- Or maybe a really good one.
No, that is not a true story,
just like a family gathering
is not a true story.
- That is not your cousin.
- Okay, so it's been nice talking to you.
You shouldn't come through
this door again.
- Wait.
- Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone.
Or what... I'll disappear?
Well, that's silly.
I'm not a magician.
Shit.
Buddy, it's fine.
We leave them alone,
they'll leave us alone.
Mmm. Mmm.
I quit.
♪ The moon was ♪
♪ All aglow ♪
♪ And heaven
was in your eyes... ♪
I'm... I'm here
to see Lenny Bruce.
$2.50 cover, two drink minimum.
Well, all right, and...
that's if you drink both drinks,
or just in general?
In general.
Okay.
♪ The night that you told me ♪
♪ Those little white. ♪
Ladies
and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.
Thank you.
Oh, that's a very nice welcome.
Uh, did any of you
happen to catch me
on The Steve Allen Show?
Yeah.
I cleaned up very nicely,
if I do say so myself.
I, uh...
I sang a little song,
I offended no one.
You see, often I am billed
at nightclubs
with a sign that says,
"For Adults Only."
I am very interested in the
motivation for that billing.
I must assume
that "for adults only"
means that my point of view
would be a deterrent
to the development
of a well-adjusted member
of the community.
See, the argument is
a child will ape
the actions of an actor.
What he sees now
in his formative years,
he may do as an adult,
so then we must be very careful
what we let the child see.
So then I would rather my kid
see a stag film
than The Ten Commandments
or The King of Kings,
because I don't want my kids to
kill Christ when he comes back.
Well, that's what they see
in those pictures...
That violence.
Well, let me just take your kids
to a dirty movie then.
All right kids,
uh, sit down now,
the picture's about to start.
Oh, it's not like Psycho,
with lots of four-letter words,
like, "kill"
and "maim" and "hurt."
No, it's a dirty movie.
Okay.
A couple is coming in now,
and, uh... Oh.
The guy is picking up
the pillow.
Oh, he'll probably
smother her with it,
that'll be a good opening.
Oh, the degenerate,
he's putting it under her ass.
Jesus.
Oh, I hate to show this crap
to you kids.
Uh... Oh, right,
now he's raising his hand.
He'll probably strike her,
and, uh...
Nope, he's caressing her
and kissing her.
Oh, this is disgusting.
All right, now he's
kissing her some more,
and, uh...
Oh, she's saying something.
Uh, she'll probably scream
at him, "Get out of here!"
No, no, she's saying,
"I love you. I'm coming."
Oh, kids, I'm sorry
that I had to show you
anything like this.
God knows it'll be
on my conscience
for the rest of my life.
I never did see one stag film
where anyone got killed
in the end,
or even slapped in the mouth,
or where there was any
Communist propaganda.
I can tell
from the body language
the police think the show's
about to get interesting.
Did you see me on Steve Allen?
No.
Ah, well.
That's too bad,
you would've liked it. Uh...
Okay, so I want to point out
the "God made the body" paradox
of the decent people
who would object
to this, uh,
groovy-looking chick.
Now, if I'm dressing,
and I see that chick there,
Miss September, across the way,
I'm gonna look.
- That's it, Bruce.
- But, see, in our society,
it's pull down the shade
and charge two bucks to get in.
- Let's go, now.
- That's what repression does.
The obscenity law, when
everything else boils away, is
does it appeal
to the prurient interest?
Well, I want to know
what's wrong with appealing
to the prurient interest.
No, I really want
the Supreme Court
to stand up and tell me
that fucking is dirty
and no good.
All right, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
You actually let me get a lot
farther that time, thank you.
Yeah, let's go.
Here, you take it.
A-Are they arresting him?
Wait, are you arresting him?
- Sit down, sir.
- B-B-But you-you can't do that.
- He-He's just talking.
- I mean it.
Look, I understand you don't
like it. I don't either, really.
It was obscene, repulsive,
that girl was clearly very cold.
Who wants to see that?
But that's not really
for you to decide, is it?
Listen to the man,
he's wearing two sweaters.
I'm telling you for
the last time, sir, sit down.
I won't sit down.
I don't have to sit down.
I have the right to stand,
don't I?
- Wh-What, I-is standing
and talking illegal now?
- Or just standing?
- Okay, you want to come, too?
Right. How about leaning?
Where do you land on leaning?
Gandhi went to jail.
Galileo died under house arrest.
Emma Goldman was deported.
I just tell jokes, man,
that's all.
You misspoke, though.
I'm sorry?
You called the woman
Miss September.
She was Miss December.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
There was a wreath
in the lower left corner.
I think you still
made your point, though.
The flowers were very nice,
by the way.
Are you in? Yeah, I'm in.
Me, too.
- I'm out.
- Oh, such a girl.
Give me one.
So who else do you know?
Annette Funicello?
- No.
- Give me three.
- Barbara Stanwyck?
- Nope.
Ava Gardner?
No, guys, no.
I don't know people like that.
- But you're in show business.
- We don't all hang out together.
Do you know Jayne Mansfield?
Actually, her I know.
She's my cat's godmother.
Really?
No. Jesus.
You guys are so gullible.
- I'm out.
- Hey, Myerson.
Your girl's back
and she's looking for you.
Shit.
Okay, I got to go.
Hey, listen,
I have three of a kind,
- so if you can beat that,
the pot's yours.
Ah, I got nothing!
Hey!
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do do do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do
do do do wop wop ♪
♪ Do-do-do wop wop,
do do ♪
♪ You don't have to be pretty ♪
♪ You don't have to wear
fine clothes ♪
♪ All you gotta do
is just walk along... ♪
- Hey.
- Where have you been?
I've been here so long, I almost
had to go home and change again.
- It's a good outfit.
- Thanks.
- Where's Shy?
- I don't know.
I don't see him
or any of the band here yet.
Well, maybe they tell time
like you do.
Uh, Mitchell,
where's everyone else?
Everyone who?
Shy. The band.
Oh, they're not coming.
What do you mean
they're not coming?
This is a dance for the boys.
We didn't need a band.
- But you told me to be here.
- I know.
We needed to make sure there
were enough girls to go around.
You know,
a room full of sure things.
What are you talking about?
Well, the base is far.
We have to ship girls in
from Jersey.
Another busload
should be arriving soon
if you're worried
about the workload.
I'm sorry, what exactly do you
expect me to do with these guys?
Dance. Just dance.
She's not a dancer.
She's a goddamn comic.
Yes, but, unfortunately,
she's also extremely attractive.
Well, that is very flattering.
And I did take ballet as a girl.
Hey.
Do not let that sway you.
- Stay mad.
- It's her patriotic duty.
Look around.
Ten percent of these boys
are gonna wind up dead.
You're not even at war.
What, are they gonna
have a car accident?
Trip on the tarmac
and get run over by a plane?
Happened twice.
Ah, great. The bus.
Well, this isn't humiliating
at all.
I say let's go.
No, it's a dance.
For the boys.
I can dance.
Geez, what part of Jersey
are these woofers from?
You are gonna be
very popular tonight.
You think that punch is spiked?
It is now.
Hey, listen, uh...
before you completely debase
yourself
- for your country...
- Mm.
There's something
I need to tell you.
Is it that I'm unfortunately
extremely attractive?
It is not.
I have a chance,
an opportunity to do something.
It's pretty big.
Ooh. Exciting. What?
I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon.
- Who?
- Sophie Lennon.
- You're gonna...
- Manage Sophie Lennon.
- This is a joke, right?
- Hey, let's dance!
♪ You can put a wiggle
in a shimmy sack... ♪
Christ. Move.
♪ Now, listen to me,
little girl ♪
♪ You're as cute as you can be ♪
♪ But forget all about
your beauty, girl... ♪
Tell me it's a fucking joke.
- Hey, where'd you go?
- Jesus. No, it's not...
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do do
do-do do wop wop ♪
♪ Do-do-do do do do... ♪
Because, clearly,
it has got to be a joke.
- There is no way you could
- Let's go!
Seriously be telling me
that you are...
Excuse me.
Please stop.
Look.
Look, I-I know this is a shock,
and I get why you'd be mad.
Uh, mad?
Oh, no, I'm not...
Stop.
I'm not mad.
I am too angry to be mad.
That doesn't make sense.
Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy.
Hey, maybe don't say
"sworn enemy"
- in a room full of soldiers.
- Susie.
I didn't go looking for this,
okay?
She summoned me to her house,
and I only went because of you.
- Me?
- Yes.
I wanted to try
to smooth shit over
so she'd stop messing with you.
And the next thing I knew,
she's talking to me
about how I defended you,
how I fought for you,
and she wants me
to do that for her.
That psychotic giraffe
of a woman
has been trying to destroy me
for a year.
I know. I was there.
She's a nightmare.
A monster. A hack.
She hates me.
Hey, Sophie is a big star.
You understand?
This is business.
You want me to turn down
a giant opportunity?
- Yes.
- Okay, then what was all that
Susie Myerson and Associates
bullshit, huh?
That was your idea.
I mean,
if you are my only client,
then what are all these
other associates gonna be doing?
Helping you pick out your hats?
If I am gonna do this,
then I have to do this.
And what am I supposed to do?
Just forget the fact
that she had me blackballed
from every club in town?
If I'm her manager,
I'm sure that will stop.
Are you kidding me?
Look, my apartment
is $40 a month,
and I have to sublet it
to Jackie.
To Jackie... a man that
will definitely sit bare-assed
on my one leather chair.
There's no choice there.
I can't afford not to.
When you make $4,000,
I make $400.
And in case you're wondering,
that's less.
- Fuck you.
- This changes nothing.
Conga!
- I... You are still everything to me,
but I can't go around
calling myself a manager
if I'm not gonna
act like a manager.
So you are definitely
doing this?
I have to.
Oh! Oh...
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Abe Weissman.
Wait.
What?
You bailed me out?
Yes.
Well, she...
I bailed you out.
Okay.
Thanks.
I thanked him for the flowers.
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in this town ♪
♪ See, me and the boys,
we don't like it ♪
♪ So we're getting up
and going down ♪
♪ Hiding low,
looking right to left ♪
♪ If you see us coming,
I think it's best ♪
♪ To move away,
do you hear what I say ♪
♪ From under my breath ♪
♪ Tonight, there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ So don't you be around ♪
♪ Don't you be around ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ Some of us won't survive ♪
♪ See, the boys and me
mean business ♪
♪ Bustin' out, dead or alive ♪
♪ I can hear the hound dogs
on my trail ♪
♪ All hell breaks loose,
alarm and sirens wail ♪
♪ Like the game if you lose ♪
♪ Go to jail ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ So don't you be around ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ I'm gonna find myself in ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ So, woman,
stay with a friend. ♪
Three hours
- for a person to do her hair.
- So what?
We have got to work on
this lateness thing.
I was not that late.
We were supposed to be here
at 12:00.
- It's 12:30.
- Now you're getting it.
- I'm not on first.
- That's not the point.
If they call my name
and I'm there,
- then I am not late.
- Yeah, that's not how lateness works.
- There's a clock involved.
- Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Hey, don't go all
Gershwin on me.
This is the big leagues, kid.
Got to start acting like
professionals.
- So then where's your blazer?
- What?
Your fancy new blazer.
You're scared to wear it.
How could I be scared
of a fucking blazer?
Are you?
- It's dry clean only.
- This is the big leagues, kid.
- 12:30 is fucking late.
- Still tapping.
Present and accounted for,
- except Mrs. Maisel.
- What's a Mrs. Maisel?
A singer, I assume, sir.
- Who are you?
- SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel.
- I just told him.
- He was asking me.
You're late. This is
the Army, you're not supposed
- to be late in the Army.
- I'll remember not to enlist.
- Hey, we are not late.
- What? -What?
We were told to be here at 12:30
and we're here at 12:30
on the dot,
Miriam Maisel is never late.
- Aw, you lied for me.
- Fuck you.
- There she is.
- Sergeant Mitchell Burns.
Master of Ceremonies
is Major Buck Brillstein.
For the purposes of this show,
you will call him Buck.
- Very reasonable.
- He'll say your name.
Wave, smile and exit
the other side of the stage.
Can I smile, wave
instead of wave, smile?
- You cannot.
- So serious, Mitchell.
Where'd your little boy go?
- You mean Tom?
- I... No.
- No, who's Tom?
- My little boy.
Abort, abort, abort.
Right, so I exit the stage.
Wait, I do? This isn't my set?
No. Just your intro.
When you do go on,
you do 20 minutes,
applause, bow,
you introduce Shy Baldwin,
you leave the stage,
but stay close.
At the end of the show,
everyone comes on for a chorus
of "White Christmas"
and pictures
with the troops. Yes?
W-What if I don't know
"White Christmas?"
Who doesn't know
"White Christmas?"
Well, me. I'm Jewish.
I mean, we don't...
We celeb...
Oh, "White Christmas." Yes.
- Yes, I know "White Christmas."
- Take her.
Hum a few bars?
Quite the grip you've got there.
I'm not gonna make a run for it,
I am here voluntarily.
- Take her.
- Bye.
Oh, I see this grip
comes standard issue.
Miss America 1959,
Mary Ann Mobley.
You don't happen
to know the words
to "White Christmas," do you?
Everyone's favorite housewife,
Mrs. Maisel.
- Go.
- Hiya, boys!
World hula hoop champion...
- Come.
- Oh, my...
My third soldier today.
This is how rumors get started.
Is this what they mean
by "flyboys"?
- Hey.
- Oy.
Sorry. I'm trying to...
What am I, your porter? Here.
I'm trying to find out
some info here,
but unless you have
boots and a buzz cut,
- nobody will look at you.
- Maisel.
- Why didn't you answer?
- I was waiting for you to answer.
You go on at 1:30.
- You mean 1330.
- 1:30 is fine.
- I'm doing army time.
- Good for you.
Be ready at one in case
we're ahead of schedule.
Think you mean 1300 hours,
right?
- Where can I get ready?
- Just tell me I'm right.
Private Fielding, look alive.
Hey, I spent a week
learning this shit.
- Take her to the green room.
- It's the Army.
Isn't every room a green room?
- You've got to give up.
- Never.
Ooh.
How the fuck
do I have these again?
I need to change.
Oh, wait, sorry.
- This is ours.
- But they told me
to grab any open space.
Oh, no, you have to sign up.
Did you sign up?
No one told me to sign up.
Oh, you're so pretty.
Thank you.
And... managed.
- You just standing there?
- Sorry.
So, rule number one
for this performance?
Don't say "fuck."
Rule number two
for this performance?
Do not say "fuck."
- Dress.
- And no dick jokes.
Army guys are sensitive
about dick jokes.
That's why they're in the Army.
How about big dick jokes? Catch.
What do you mean,
big dick jokes?
You know, what do leprechauns
and guys with big dicks
have in common? They're hard
to find and incredibly lucky.
Or, his dick was so big, the
mohel had to bring a machete.
Or, his dick was bigger
than Disneyland,
better rides, too.
Or, his dick was so big,
it wasn't a dick at all.
It was a Richard.
Oh, oh! His dick was so big,
even when he cheated on me,
his dick was the bigger dick.
- So no dick jokes.
- Yeah, keep it clean.
You all good?
I'm gonna to make a call.
I'm good, go.
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
♪ Praise the Lord ♪
♪ And pass the ammunition ♪
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
♪ And we'll all stay free ♪
♪ Praise the Lord
and swing into position ♪
♪ Can't... ♪
Fred, phone.
You got to order something.
We got Sanka.
- He got Sanka.
- Susie?
- You got 'em?
- Yes, we got 'em
but we still don't
understand the point here.
The point, Fred,
is I got to negotiate
this touring contract for Midge.
And other than saying
I'd like for her to go,
I don't know
what the hell to ask for.
And I don't want them to think
they're dealing with a nobody.
So, just give me some comps.
Tell me what other comics
at her level
made when they opened
for someone like Shy Baldwin.
Okay, but this is a big favor
we're doing for you here.
I had to sneak these contracts
out in my bowling bag.
Now I don't have
my bowling ball.
Don't worry. Someday,
I'm gonna be in a position
to help you with something.
I will.
You don't think I will?
I don't know.
You're so volatile.
Just read me some numbers
before I use your nutsack
as a speed bag.
Okay, Georgie Jessel made
$10,000 a week
the last time he played
the Blue Angel.
Too big. I need
opening act numbers.
Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week.
- As an opening act?
- No, for The Phil Silvers Show.
Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember
the speed bag thing?
George Burns made $10 a week
before he met Gracie Allen.
George Burns made
$10 a week in 1921.
- What would that be today?
- $10.
- No, I mean in today's dollars.
- $10.
Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred.
Hey, here's something,
Murray Bringle made $300
opening for Lenny Fring.
Murray Bringle made $300
to open for Lenny Fring.
- Who's Murray Bringle?
- I don't know.
- Who's Lenny Fring?
- I don't know.
Tell her if she wants to be
taken seriously,
she needs a weird ask.
Yes. You need a weird ask.
What do you mean
I need a weird ass?
A weird ask.
Something in your contract
that's specifically weird
only to you.
Like, uh, all the pillows
in your room
have to have a cat design
on them.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have to.
They'll never take you
seriously if you don't.
Well, how weird
does it have to be?
Gleason needs two bottles
of Old Forester Bourbon,
a well-done steak,
and a Polaroid
of what the steak looked like
before it was cooked.
George Burns has fresh flowers,
Cuban cigars,
six pairs of socks,
and a bowl of butter pats.
Lenny Fring
had to have cheesecloth,
a length of rope,
and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
Wow. Now I really want to know
this Lenny Fring.
Hey, would you mind
blowing my brains out?
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
♪ Boom, shoo, dup,
ba, dum ♪
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
♪ We got a little cozy
at the corner shop ♪
♪ We finished every drop,
but then the boy says ♪
♪ "One more," gives me a look ♪
♪ That makes my stomach drop,
somebody call the cops ♪
♪ 'Cause I can see
I'm done for, oh ♪
♪ Shake it up and watch it
bubble, he's gonna go ♪
♪ And get us both in trouble ♪
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top... ♪
Quick, I need a pencil.
Oh, uh... What did they say?
Don't talk. I'll forget.
Okay, what did those idiots say?
Uh, Gleason minus George
minus Gracie,
add back a Sahl
and divide by Bringle.
- Who's Bringle?
- He opened for Fring.
- Who's Fring?
- Doesn't matter.
Okay, if my calculations
are right,
seems like a guy opening
for a Shy Baldwin
would make about $5,500
for six months.
Wow. So we ask for $5,500.
- No. We ask for $4,500.
- Bringle got $5,500.
- Well, Bringle's got a...
- Dick.
- Yeah.
- But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me.
- Really? That's a lot.
- I know.
It would take me
more than a year
to make that much at B. Altman.
I know. 450 bucks,
plus I'll be subletting
my apartment to Jackie.
This means I'm gonna be making
the most money I made since...
ever. Since ever.
- So we sign.
- Yes.
Oh, and we have to come up
with something weird.
Like, you need baby goats
in your dressing room,
or all your hand towels
have to be from Windsor Castle.
Oh, can we get that?
I would love that.
- You're still pretty.
- Mrs. Maisel.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- You're up.
1330 on the dot.
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top ♪
- ♪ So I don't want to stop ♪
- ♪ Don't want to stop ♪
♪ Like a bottle of pop... ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ He's my bottle of pop. ♪
Once again, the Silver Belles!
Now I hope that you're
ready to laugh because next up
is a very funny lady.
She's gonna be opening up for
Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour
that kicks off next month,
and you get a preview right now.
Emphasis on the view,
it is a good one.
So give a nice Army welcome
for Mrs. Maisel!
- Tits up.
- Tits up.
Hi!
Hi! Hi!
Hello!
Wow, wow, wow!
My goodness,
that is a lot of khaki.
And I just realized
it is actually a very flattering
color for most skin tones.
I know you're relieved.
I just want you to know
how much I admire you guys.
I could never be brave enough
to wear the same outfit
every day.
My brother toyed
with joining the Army.
He loved the idea
of serving his country,
but then he snapped
a rubber band in his eye
and that was the end of that.
You guys have a lot of rules
here, which I totally get.
You need rules.
Women learn rules
from women's magazines.
I can't make a move
without consulting
Family Circle
or Harper's Bazaar.
Otherwise, I'd have no idea what
shade of red drives a man crazy.
Little hint: it's the one
with the least amount
of fabric involved.
You guys don't have magazines
like that, do you?
You could really use
an Army Men's Monthly
or Gunboat Daily. You know,
you could read helpful articles
like, uh,
"Fashion for Foxholes,"
"Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz,"
"How to Get Your Commanding
Officer to Notice You."
Oh, oh, oh, here's one,
"Camouflage: How to Stand Out
While Blending In."
And for you generals
in the audience,
"How to Take Care
of Your Privates."
Oh! Here's the best,
- "Killing Men and Loving It."
- Funny little lady.
She is.
You know, a lot of top-notch
entertainers come through here.
- Uh-huh.
- Bob Hope played here.
Right on that stage.
Milton Berle, been here twice.
You know how much you'd
have to pay to see Bob Hope
- at the Copacabana?
- A lot.
And then some.
Yeah, the army life
is a good life.
Job security, three squares
a day, excitement, travel.
- You like to travel?
- Uh, sure.
It's a great organization.
Waking up every day,
proud to be an American.
Proud to serve your country,
you know?
Do I?
Well, have you ever
thought about joining up?
Me? Oh, uh, no.
- Strong young man like yourself.
- I'm not that young.
- Can you play the bugle?
- I do not play the bugle.
Oh. We need a bugler.
I just thought I'd ask.
- Ah, sorry.
- You got the cheeks for it.
- Okay.
- Well, doesn't matter.
There's a place for everyone
in the Army.
Plus, you get benefits
up the ass.
Well, I don't need anything
up my ass at the moment,
- but thank you.
- Think about it.
I will.
It'll never leave my mind again.
Trust me.
I feel nothing.
You guys have
your own language here.
It's so fun.
A soldier said
he was gonna
go sit on the honey bucket,
and I was like, "I've been
called a lot of things, pal..."
I almost smacked him.
So I got to keep
out of trouble here.
Maybe you fellas could
run some jargon by me?
Make sure I understand it.
What are some
of your other phrases?
Direct support.
Too easy.
That's what I'm wearing
under my dress right now.
Zone of action.
Everything not covered by
the direct support I'm wearing.
Rear guard.
- Diaper cream.
- Attack position.
Friendly fire.
A cute redhead.
- Frontal fire.
- Shock action.
Frontal fire and shock action?
Isn't frontal fire
what you contract
when you have shock action
with the wrong girl overseas?
- Huh?
- Withdrawal.
Congratulations, you're a daddy.
Oh, boy.
Well, you sure know how
to make a girl feel welcome.
That's all for me today.
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
You boys stay safe out there,
'cause you're just
too cute to lose.
Thank you and good night.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
What?
Oh, shit, sorry.
Hi. Remember me? I'm back.
Uh, I completely forgot
to introduce Shy Baldwin.
Thank you.
I mean, he thanks you.
Uh, he's so great.
A terrific singer
and such a nice guy,
and he gave me my break.
So... here he is.
We're gonna work on that.
- So, what have we learned?
- What?
Even when you do have a stroke,
you do it adorably.
♪ ♪
♪ The stars shine ♪
♪ Your eyes catch mine ♪
♪ And your light
is all I can see ♪
♪ Could there be
one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Counting one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ 'Cause you're here
smiling at me ♪
♪ The strings play ♪
♪ You move my way ♪
♪ I'm soaring, now I guarantee ♪
♪ There must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ Don't tell one less angel
in heaven ♪
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
♪ In heaven ♪
♪ 'Cause look
who's dancing with me ♪
♪ Oh, now I'm scared ♪
♪ I'm scared to close my eyes ♪
♪ And open them
to find you've flown away ♪
♪ I know that I should keep ♪
♪ My feelings in disguise ♪
♪ But, darling,
there is something ♪
♪ That I've got to say ♪
♪ My baby, my angel ♪
♪ Now please won't you stay ♪
♪ My heart stops ♪
♪ The music drops ♪
♪ The world
falls away suddenly ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ There must be ♪
♪ One angel less in heaven ♪
♪ There was
one less angel in heaven ♪
♪ My baby said yes ♪
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
♪ My angel loves me ♪
♪ She said she loves me ♪
♪ Oh, that's heaven to me ♪
♪ That's ♪
♪ Heaven to me ♪
♪ That's heaven to me. ♪
And we bought it
from the sweetest old lady.
The house is wonderful,
Mrs. Maisel.
It's my dream home.
My absolute dream home.
Moishe promised that one day
we'd have a home just like this.
In Queens.
It's got a great tree.
A man is not a man
until he's got a tree.
Wait. Moishe.
Where's the kitchen?
There's no kitchen
on these plans.
What did that bitch
do with our kitchen?
You're looking
on the second floor, Shirl.
- Look on the first floor.
- Oh.
Hey. You still looking
for a club, right?
- Looking, not finding.
- I heard about a place.
I want no part
of your dastardly schemes.
It's my button guy, he's been
using this space for storage
for 20 years
and he just gave it up.
He's a bigger deal now...
Got into zippers.
Said it was a club once.
Uh, still has a stage and a bar,
- there's even furniture.
- Really?
Great downtown location,
surrounded by subways.
And it's not a dump?
All I've seen are dumps.
Teardowns.
I'm fixing this place up myself,
got to keep power tools
to a minimum.
I'll get you the address.
Go see for yourself.
Daddy, another lady
left her lipstick.
- Thanks, kiddo.
- Go check it out.
- Say it again.
- We're gonna live in Queens!
Yes! Yes. Yes.
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Our homeward step ♪
♪ Was just as light ♪
♪ As the tap dancing feet ♪
♪ Of Astaire ♪
♪ And like an echo ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ A nightingale sang ♪
♪ In Berkeley Square ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ 'Cause I was there ♪
♪ That night in Berkeley ♪
♪ Square ♪
Really?
Thank you very much.
That's the great Shy Baldwin!
I am so sorry about
the introduction, Shy.
I promise I will never
do that again.
Susie Myerson
of Susie Myerson and Associates.
I promise she will never
do that again.
Susie is my manager.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
Hey, question:
were you ever fat?
- No.
- You sound fat on your albums.
Shy, I don't what happened
to the mic stand.
It's the Army.
If you can't kill someone
with it, they-they don't care.
- Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson.
- Ah...
- This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz.
- Hello.
Myerson. You're the one I've
been talking to six times a day.
- And you're Lou?
- Yes.
Hmm.
You don't sound bald.
Thank you. So,
it's nice to have you with us.
Everything good?
You need anything?
Here. Once the tour starts,
you'll have your regular
weekly per diem.
But for now, let Uncle Lou.
That's for cab fare,
train fare, candy bars,
hair pins, feminine products,
whatever you need.
- Well, thank you, Lou.
- You're welcome.
I need that contract.
Uh, we will be countering soon.
And more than once.
But not too much more, but more.
And we got some
really weird asks, so be ready.
We are both total idiots today.
All right, now I think it's time
you boys sing for your supper.
- What do you say?
- Yeah!
Shall I leave you two alone?
I just love money.
You know?
Smells great. Feels great.
It looks great.
Just be careful.
It can break your heart.
Hey, where's that pay phone?
I need to make a call.
Spreading peace, not war.
I need a volunteer.
Hold on.
Ethan.
Not the floor.
- Hello?
- Bad time?
No, it's not a bad time.
Ethan, not the furniture!
Do I want to know?
He discovered
the Maisel and Roth stamp.
- Oh, boy.
- Yes. Well,
maybe he'll be
postmaster general someday.
One can hope.
So, how are you?
Uh, a little crazy.
- Where are you?
- What? Why?
- Is it a secret?
- No, it is not.
I just hear voices.
I'm doing a USO show today.
Here in the city.
Warm-up gig before the tour.
- You go on yet?
- I did.
You knock 'em dead?
I did. Literally.
Bumped into a missile and blew
up the barracks.
- So...
- Ethan,
not your sister!
Go ahead.
I'm sorry I snuck out
the other night.
- That's okay.
- I just had to get up early,
and you were sleeping
so soundly.
No explanation needed.
Okay. Good.
I didn't want you
to feel stiffed.
I mean, earlier in the night
I did want you to feel stiffed,
but not stiffed, like...
Really, it's no big deal at all.
Okay.
I just noticed...
What?
You didn't call.
You didn't call, either.
I know.
I just thought you'd call.
Well, I didn't think there was
anything to call about.
Zelda was gonna bring the kids
over the next day.
I was gonna drop them off
on Wednesday.
- I know the schedule.
- So why would I call?
- Midge?
- Yes?
You mad?
- Nope.
- Did I do something wrong?
No.
You did everything right.
Twice.
S-so thanks for that.
Hey. You said one night.
And I heard you.
I just thought you'd follow up.
Something happens,
you follow up.
A guy comes to fix
your dishwasher,
he calls later to follow up.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
Midge, no dishwasher repairman
in the world
calls later to follow up.
Well, when our dishwasher broke,
the guy called later
to follow up,
and I appreciated it.
If he did call to follow up,
it wasn't on the state
of the dishwasher.
Oh, so now I fucked
the dishwasher repairman?
- Is that what you're implying?
- No.
I'm saying that
a dishwasher repairman
doesn't give a shit
about your dishwasher
- the minute he leaves the house.
- Oh, so that's it.
You don't care about
my dishwasher anymore?
If it works or doesn't work,
it means nothing to you at all.
I am not a dishwasher
repairman, Midge!
If you know anything about me,
it's not that I cannot repair
a fucking dishwasher!
I know you can't repair
a dishwasher.
- That wasn't what I was saying.
- Well, what were you saying?
I don't know. I've totally lost
the thread of this conversation.
You made it very, very clear:
one night only.
I was not supposed to think
it was anything
more than it was.
So I didn't.
I took you at your word
and kept to the script.
I did what you asked me to do.
I just thought you'd call.
Did you want me to call?
Did you change your mind?
I'm not mad.
Listen... I have to go.
Ethan's found the packing tape,
and I don't know
where Esther is.
- I'll call you later.
- Bye.
Who is it?
It's me.
Hello, darling! Mm.
Flowers?
You had sex with my sister?
So, just to be clear,
this is Chinatown.
Yes, this is Chinatown.
Something that Pop
did not mention.
Excuse me.
This is 227 Bayard Street.
- Yes?
- Bayard.
I don't think he speaks English.
What would I do without you,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
It's a mess,
but the bones are good.
The bones are very good.
Chinatown.
You think people will come
to a club in Chinatown?
- If the drinks are strong
and the music's hot.
Thank you.
Must be the lease.
- In Chinese?
- And English. Thank God.
There's a dead rat over here.
We'd have to get rid of that.
Geez, is that really the price?
It's good.
Whoa! Here's another one.
Poor thing.
He choked on a button.
And the price is locked in
for five years?
Uh... immediate occupancy?
I could take it now?
I think I could take it now.
I can't tell if I'm a genius
or an idiot.
Well, what do you think?
We've seen a lot of shitholes.
At least this one
comes with a bar, a stage,
and some wildlife.
Your optimism is contagious,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
Who doesn't
like wildlife, right?
You know what?
I'll take it.
♪ ♪
♪ I'm dreaming of ♪
♪ A white Christmas ♪
♪ Just like the ones ♪
♪ I used to know ♪
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
♪ And children listen ♪
♪ To hear sleigh bells
in the snow ♪
♪ Snow ♪
♪ I'm ♪
♪ Dreaming of a ♪
- ♪ White Christmas ♪
- mas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card
I write ♪
♪ May your days ♪
♪ Be merry ♪
♪ And bright ♪
♪ And may all your ♪
♪ Christmases ♪
♪ Be white. ♪
That's all for us,
tonight, fellas.
You stay safe,
and God bless America!
Can I have a picture,
Mrs. Maisel?
- Me, too.
- Easy, boys.
- You'll bruise the merchandise.
- Hey, let's throw you
- in the jeep for a shot with some of the men.
- Sure.
Yeah, nothing like
a heartwarming
Christmas time gangbang photo
to send home to the family.
A photo in the jeep
will be fine.
Okay, everyone,
say, "Government cheese!"
- Government cheese!
- Ooh!
Merry Christmas, fellas.
- Better get one more.
- Huh?
Government cheese!
Got it.
Thank you, boys.
Have a great Christmas.
- Whew.
- Good job today.
Thanks, Mitchell.
Good luck invading Cuba.
We'll see you tonight
at 1900 hours.
- Oh, now you do army time.
- What time is 1900 hours?
- 6:00.
- 7:00.
- Fuck.
- And what's happening then?
There's a dance at the canteen
for the boys.
We like everyone to go,
all the talent.
Did you know about this?
No one ever mentioned
a canteen dance.
- What do you think?
- I don't have an outfit.
There's one right there
on your body.
- Everyone's already seen it.
- Then wear the one you came in.
That's a traveling outfit.
You know these guys don't give a
shit what you're wearing, right?
They're all picturing you
without your clothes on anyway.
I'm representing Shy.
I have to look a certain way.
Look, I've yet to win
a clothing argument,
- so it ain't gonna happen.
- But it's tradition.
It's for the boys.
I guess I could go home
and grab an outfit.
- Can someone give us a ride?
- I can arrange that.
- Private Lawrence.
- I think I'm gonna stay here
and wait for you.
You sure you don't want to go
home and grab your fancy blazer?
- For the boys?
- Don't want to overwhelm them.
Okay. Be back as soon as I can.
Goddamn it.
Susie Myerson.
Phone call for Susie Myerson.
Susie Myerson.
Oh, there you are.
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I'm over at your apartment.
What the hell are you doing
at my apartment?
I'm getting the place ready
for my sublet.
You don't expect me
to live like you do.
Get out of my apartment.
Relax. I'm just taking
some measurements.
For what?
You need drapes.
The whole fucking street
can watch you do
whatever weird shit you do.
- No drapes.
- It's too sad. There's no feminine touch.
- Jackie!
- Anyhow,
I'm here and someone shows up
who wants to talk to you.
Who? Jackie.
Jackie?
Who?
Why do you live here?
Let me rephrase that.
You don't live here.
Not anymore. I forbid it.
- Sophie.
- I am
furious with you.
- It's rent-controlled.
- Not about that.
- I know I owe you a call.
- A call? You owe me a call?
I asked you to be my manager.
You owe me more than a call.
- Your manager? No shit?
- Never speak again.
I offered you
the chance of a lifetime,
and then I sat by the phone
like a virgin on prom night.
Finally, I realized
you were not going to call.
I was gonna call.
So I had to come to you.
Here.
Below 14th Street.
I had to walk down stairs.
I had to
touch a doorknob that was alive.
I had to talk to your husband.
- He's not my fucking husband!
- I'm not her husband.
- Give me a fucking heart attack.
- Christ, my fucking heart.
Well, why is someone
who is not your husband
neck-deep in my fur?
- Can't answer that.
- It's freezing in here.
It is freezing in here.
Sophie, I'm sorry, really,
but can I call you back later?
- Where are you?
- At a USO show.
- I don't do USO shows.
- It's not for you.
Well, then I don't want
to hear about it
or any other excuse
you might be conjuring up.
I don't give a flying merde.
Do you understand
who I am?
What I am to this business?
- I do.
- And yet you made me track you down.
The last time I had to
track someone down
was to tell Desi Arnaz
he gave me the clap.
I'm sorry,
about this and the clap.
The clap was worth it.
This isn't.
Now I have been patient,
and I'm out of patience.
I want an answer to my question
and I want it right now.
Are you my manager
or are you not?
Rose, I don't understand why...
What is that?
- I demand you tell me
exactly what you...
Okay, maybe demand's too strong.
I want you to see
what our lives cost.
I know what it cost, and you're
smoking in the house.
How much does Zelda make?
Zelda makes $30 a week.
- Wrong.
- What do you mean wrong?
You can't just say
"wrong" to me.
Zelda makes $60 a week.
That's impossible.
I pay her $30.
- And then I pay her the rest.
- With what?
With the money
from my trust fund.
You really think we live
like this on your salary?
You really think that Miriam
has all those fabulous clothes
because you were
a professor at Columbia?
The vacations, the dinners,
the cocktail parties...
You think all that exists
because you taught
eight hyper-intelligent,
emotionally-retarded eunuchs
to draw symbols on a chalkboard.
I think you're oversimplifying
my classes.
Do you know one other professor
who lives the way we do?
- Milk is 49 cents a gallon?
- Not one.
They all have drab clothes and
gray skin and they die young.
You're telling me that you paid
for all of these things
- out of your trust fund?
- Yes.
You told me that trust fund
was just there
to buy me birthday presents.
Well, happy fucking birthday,
Abe.
Now cut the crap
and go get our lives back.
This is ridiculous.
All this talk is about
possessions and things.
I mean, look at this apartment.
Who needs all these rooms?
A living room, a dining room,
a kitchen, two bathrooms.
I have a room, you have a room,
Miriam has a room,
her children have a room.
And the coup de grâce:
this whole room
is for our daughter's clothes.
Clothes and clothes
and more clothes and...
I was never
a materialistic man, Rose.
I cared about science
and thought
and bettering mankind.
Now look at me.
I'm wearing two sweaters.
Rose, tell me,
when did I become a man
who needs five bedrooms?
When did I become a man
who-who needs a linen closet?
When did I become a man
who has a maid?
When did I change?
When did I become this selfish,
materialistic man?
Th-The kind of man
I used to despise.
- When you married me.
- I didn't say that!
Hi, it's me!
I just have to change
and get back to the airfield.
Hey, what happened
to my clothes?
Have you worn all these dresses?
- Have I...
- Because I don't think
you've been on Earth long enough
even at a rate of two per day.
- Okay, what is happening?
- What do you mean, "What is happening"?
- Have you not been paying attention?
- She never pays attention.
Our whole lives
are going down the toilet.
- Where the hell have you been?
- She's been out.
Doing whatever it is
she does at night.
Oh, and I suppose
that's my fault, too.
- You know what I'm doing at night.
- If you hadn't met me,
then I wouldn't be
Miriam's mother
and she wouldn't be turning
to prostitution
- instead of being married.
- I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic.
- Is there a difference?
- Yes, prostitutes get paid more.
Hilarious.
- You should go into comedy.
- I did.
I can't deal with you now.
I have enough to worry about.
Yes. You have to figure out
where we're gonna live.
- Okay.
- How we're gonna pay for it.
- Enough.
- And the going rate of Zelda.
- So you took it out on my clothes?
- He saved you the trouble.
You have to move them anyway
because this is not
- our home anymore.
- It was never ours. Columbia always owned it.
We would've had to move
eventually.
- Yes, when we died.
- Still, a deadline.
- Oh.
- Blue dress, blue dress.
- What are you doing?
- I need a dress for tonight.
You see? Selfish. That's
the daughter that we raised.
Now wait a minute, don't turn
whatever this fight is
around on me.
I am hardly
the selfish one here.
What does that mean?
I couldn't believe it
when Mama told me what you did.
- What I did when?
- Columbia? Quitting?
Giving up the apartment?
I am still in shock.
That situation has nothing
to do with you.
What are you talking about?
I live here.
My children live here.
But you shouldn't be
living here, should you?
You shouldn't be living here,
your children
shouldn't be living here.
You should be living
with your husband,
- at your own place.
- My husband walked out.
Sure, but then
another one walked in.
Yes, a doctor.
What the hell happened
with Benjamin anyway?
- You know what happened
with Benjamin. No.
- I don't.
- We were looking through magazines, planning menus.
- And I had to sit with him all morning.
- I told you,
- it wasn't right.
- Is it another man?
- No. No.
- No?
- No?
- Seriously, break the logjam.
I'd follow her if I were you.
Mama. Mama, can we please
finish this conversation?
"Dear Upper West Side, thank you
for bringing your umbrella.
"I'm at The Den
Friday and Saturday night
"if you feel like dropping by.
If not, I'll see you next time
I'm in town. Lenny."
- Who is Lenny?
- Lenny's a sissy's name.
- Lenny Bruce.
- Bruce is a thug's name.
- He's a comedian.
- Oh, God.
So this Lenny Bruce is the
reason that you left Benjamin?
- What? No.
- He sends you flowers.
I am not spending
the morning with him.
You can tell him that right now.
Will you listen to me?
I said he was just a friend.
I can't believe
you dropped a surgeon
to go out with some comedian.
I did not drop Benjamin
for Lenny.
You are frivolous and flighty.
And that's what happens
when you let someone
have an entire room for skirts.
Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that
she's like that, is that it?
I didn't say that,
but I am not her shopping buddy.
Oh, you know what, I've had it.
I'm tired of hearing
my husband of 31 years
blame me for everything.
Blame me because he's not
a freedom fighter.
Blame me because
he's not Che Guevara.
That's ridiculous.
Che Guevara isn't Jewish.
I'm sorry, Abe.
I'm sorry that you weren't there
to bring Stalin down.
I'm sorry your hair's
not unkempt
and you're not growing
a full beard
and you're not fornicating
with syphilitic poets.
I'm sure your beatnik hero
Jack Krack-a-wack must be
- just rife with syphilis.
- Do you mean Jack Kerouac?
- Oh...
- Who?
Jack Kerouac.
On the Road?
Oh, for God's sake,
you should know him.
- You're young.
- I don't read. I...
How a daughter of mine developed
absolutely no intellectual
or social curiosity or sense
of responsibility is beyond me.
Oh, please. Please.
How dare you double-please me.
You don't even know
who Lenny Bruce is.
You blather on and on
about free speech.
He's out there getting arrested
in the name of free speech.
He's talking about things no one
has the balls to talk about.
You put down comedy
and what I do.
You don't even know
what goes on out there.
This guy is the real deal,
but you just scoff
and pretend that he's nothing.
That is ignorant.
You are ignorant.
Found my dress.
Well, you can wear that,
it's been on the floor...
It needs to be steamed.
And you quit your piano lessons!
When I was eight!
- You just quit. You're a quitter.
I hated piano.
Of course you hated piano...
Didn't come with a costume.
- I was a terrible player.
- The neighbors complained.
- My teacher used earplugs.
- But you should not have quit.
That sets the tone
for an entire life.
I have to go.
I have to work.
Ah. You quit piano,
you quit your marriage,
you quit Benjamin.
I wouldn't be surprised
if you quit
this comedy thing, too.
Never.
- So this is it.
- How do you already have keys?
I signed the lease,
they gave me the keys.
Joel Maisel,
strikes a hard bargain.
- Let it be known!
- How much?
- $500 a month. It's a steal.
- Hey!
- You've already got a bar.
- And a stage.
Probably needs shoring up,
but the layout's perfect.
What's with all the buttons?
One of my dad's suppliers
was using it as storage.
That's how I heard
about this place.
Buttons, buttons...
The Button Club.
There's your name.
Looks like I found
my creative director.
- I don't come cheap.
- That's not what I heard.
I think you got a bargain,
buddy. Really.
Timing's good, too.
Mom and Pop are in a good place,
and with my divorce
getting finalized now...
- Aw, shit.
- Nah, it's fine. It's good.
- Really. It's a new beginning.
- Okay. So when do we start?
- We?
- I'm your creative director. Try and stop me.
Unless you're Imogene,
who will try and stop me.
We'll need a couple of crowbars,
a ton of sandpaper...
- Joel?
- I don't know.
- Where does that door go?
- I never saw that door.
You leased a space
with a scary mystery door?
No. Yes.
I don't know.
- Archie?
- I don't know.
- Shit. Shit!
- You can say that again.
I've already signed a lease.
I've put money down.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
You the new tenants?
I'm the new tenant. What the
hell is going on in there?
- Where?
- Behind you, in there.
Nothing.
What's your name?
Forget my name.
What is that?
- Who are those people?
- Family gathering.
- Really? Your family?
- Yup.
- Yup. Yup.
- All of them?
- The guy serving drinks?
- My cousin.
- He was wearing a name tag.
- I have a lot of cousins.
Those people in there
are gambling.
- What? No.
- We saw dice, we saw cards.
They're throwing cash around.
I always liked this space.
What's it gonna be?
A club.
Look, don't change the subject.
I need to know what's going on.
I don't want to get tied up
in something illegal.
Nobody's gonna tie you up.
What kind of club?
I signed a lease,
I made a deposit.
You know, a long time ago,
this was a club. A magic club.
One night, the guy
made a woman disappear.
No one ever found her again.
Wait, what?
Something happened to her?
No, he was just
a really bad magician.
- Listen...
- Or maybe a really good one.
No, that is not a true story,
just like a family gathering
is not a true story.
- That is not your cousin.
- Okay, so it's been nice talking to you.
You shouldn't come through
this door again.
- Wait.
- Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone.
Or what... I'll disappear?
Well, that's silly.
I'm not a magician.
Shit.
Buddy, it's fine.
We leave them alone,
they'll leave us alone.
Mmm. Mmm.
I quit.
♪ The moon was ♪
♪ All aglow ♪
♪ And heaven
was in your eyes... ♪
I'm... I'm here
to see Lenny Bruce.
$2.50 cover, two drink minimum.
Well, all right, and...
that's if you drink both drinks,
or just in general?
In general.
Okay.
♪ The night that you told me ♪
♪ Those little white. ♪
Ladies
and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.
Thank you.
Oh, that's a very nice welcome.
Uh, did any of you
happen to catch me
on The Steve Allen Show?
Yeah.
I cleaned up very nicely,
if I do say so myself.
I, uh...
I sang a little song,
I offended no one.
You see, often I am billed
at nightclubs
with a sign that says,
"For Adults Only."
I am very interested in the
motivation for that billing.
I must assume
that "for adults only"
means that my point of view
would be a deterrent
to the development
of a well-adjusted member
of the community.
See, the argument is
a child will ape
the actions of an actor.
What he sees now
in his formative years,
he may do as an adult,
so then we must be very careful
what we let the child see.
So then I would rather my kid
see a stag film
than The Ten Commandments
or The King of Kings,
because I don't want my kids to
kill Christ when he comes back.
Well, that's what they see
in those pictures...
That violence.
Well, let me just take your kids
to a dirty movie then.
All right kids,
uh, sit down now,
the picture's about to start.
Oh, it's not like Psycho,
with lots of four-letter words,
like, "kill"
and "maim" and "hurt."
No, it's a dirty movie.
Okay.
A couple is coming in now,
and, uh... Oh.
The guy is picking up
the pillow.
Oh, he'll probably
smother her with it,
that'll be a good opening.
Oh, the degenerate,
he's putting it under her ass.
Jesus.
Oh, I hate to show this crap
to you kids.
Uh... Oh, right,
now he's raising his hand.
He'll probably strike her,
and, uh...
Nope, he's caressing her
and kissing her.
Oh, this is disgusting.
All right, now he's
kissing her some more,
and, uh...
Oh, she's saying something.
Uh, she'll probably scream
at him, "Get out of here!"
No, no, she's saying,
"I love you. I'm coming."
Oh, kids, I'm sorry
that I had to show you
anything like this.
God knows it'll be
on my conscience
for the rest of my life.
I never did see one stag film
where anyone got killed
in the end,
or even slapped in the mouth,
or where there was any
Communist propaganda.
I can tell
from the body language
the police think the show's
about to get interesting.
Did you see me on Steve Allen?
No.
Ah, well.
That's too bad,
you would've liked it. Uh...
Okay, so I want to point out
the "God made the body" paradox
of the decent people
who would object
to this, uh,
groovy-looking chick.
Now, if I'm dressing,
and I see that chick there,
Miss September, across the way,
I'm gonna look.
- That's it, Bruce.
- But, see, in our society,
it's pull down the shade
and charge two bucks to get in.
- Let's go, now.
- That's what repression does.
The obscenity law, when
everything else boils away, is
does it appeal
to the prurient interest?
Well, I want to know
what's wrong with appealing
to the prurient interest.
No, I really want
the Supreme Court
to stand up and tell me
that fucking is dirty
and no good.
All right, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
You actually let me get a lot
farther that time, thank you.
Yeah, let's go.
Here, you take it.
A-Are they arresting him?
Wait, are you arresting him?
- Sit down, sir.
- B-B-But you-you can't do that.
- He-He's just talking.
- I mean it.
Look, I understand you don't
like it. I don't either, really.
It was obscene, repulsive,
that girl was clearly very cold.
Who wants to see that?
But that's not really
for you to decide, is it?
Listen to the man,
he's wearing two sweaters.
I'm telling you for
the last time, sir, sit down.
I won't sit down.
I don't have to sit down.
I have the right to stand,
don't I?
- Wh-What, I-is standing
and talking illegal now?
- Or just standing?
- Okay, you want to come, too?
Right. How about leaning?
Where do you land on leaning?
Gandhi went to jail.
Galileo died under house arrest.
Emma Goldman was deported.
I just tell jokes, man,
that's all.
You misspoke, though.
I'm sorry?
You called the woman
Miss September.
She was Miss December.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
There was a wreath
in the lower left corner.
I think you still
made your point, though.
The flowers were very nice,
by the way.
Are you in? Yeah, I'm in.
Me, too.
- I'm out.
- Oh, such a girl.
Give me one.
So who else do you know?
Annette Funicello?
- No.
- Give me three.
- Barbara Stanwyck?
- Nope.
Ava Gardner?
No, guys, no.
I don't know people like that.
- But you're in show business.
- We don't all hang out together.
Do you know Jayne Mansfield?
Actually, her I know.
She's my cat's godmother.
Really?
No. Jesus.
You guys are so gullible.
- I'm out.
- Hey, Myerson.
Your girl's back
and she's looking for you.
Shit.
Okay, I got to go.
Hey, listen,
I have three of a kind,
- so if you can beat that,
the pot's yours.
Ah, I got nothing!
Hey!
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do do do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do
do do do wop wop ♪
♪ Do-do-do wop wop,
do do ♪
♪ You don't have to be pretty ♪
♪ You don't have to wear
fine clothes ♪
♪ All you gotta do
is just walk along... ♪
- Hey.
- Where have you been?
I've been here so long, I almost
had to go home and change again.
- It's a good outfit.
- Thanks.
- Where's Shy?
- I don't know.
I don't see him
or any of the band here yet.
Well, maybe they tell time
like you do.
Uh, Mitchell,
where's everyone else?
Everyone who?
Shy. The band.
Oh, they're not coming.
What do you mean
they're not coming?
This is a dance for the boys.
We didn't need a band.
- But you told me to be here.
- I know.
We needed to make sure there
were enough girls to go around.
You know,
a room full of sure things.
What are you talking about?
Well, the base is far.
We have to ship girls in
from Jersey.
Another busload
should be arriving soon
if you're worried
about the workload.
I'm sorry, what exactly do you
expect me to do with these guys?
Dance. Just dance.
She's not a dancer.
She's a goddamn comic.
Yes, but, unfortunately,
she's also extremely attractive.
Well, that is very flattering.
And I did take ballet as a girl.
Hey.
Do not let that sway you.
- Stay mad.
- It's her patriotic duty.
Look around.
Ten percent of these boys
are gonna wind up dead.
You're not even at war.
What, are they gonna
have a car accident?
Trip on the tarmac
and get run over by a plane?
Happened twice.
Ah, great. The bus.
Well, this isn't humiliating
at all.
I say let's go.
No, it's a dance.
For the boys.
I can dance.
Geez, what part of Jersey
are these woofers from?
You are gonna be
very popular tonight.
You think that punch is spiked?
It is now.
Hey, listen, uh...
before you completely debase
yourself
- for your country...
- Mm.
There's something
I need to tell you.
Is it that I'm unfortunately
extremely attractive?
It is not.
I have a chance,
an opportunity to do something.
It's pretty big.
Ooh. Exciting. What?
I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon.
- Who?
- Sophie Lennon.
- You're gonna...
- Manage Sophie Lennon.
- This is a joke, right?
- Hey, let's dance!
♪ You can put a wiggle
in a shimmy sack... ♪
Christ. Move.
♪ Now, listen to me,
little girl ♪
♪ You're as cute as you can be ♪
♪ But forget all about
your beauty, girl... ♪
Tell me it's a fucking joke.
- Hey, where'd you go?
- Jesus. No, it's not...
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
♪ Do do-do do
do-do do wop wop ♪
♪ Do-do-do do do do... ♪
Because, clearly,
it has got to be a joke.
- There is no way you could
- Let's go!
Seriously be telling me
that you are...
Excuse me.
Please stop.
Look.
Look, I-I know this is a shock,
and I get why you'd be mad.
Uh, mad?
Oh, no, I'm not...
Stop.
I'm not mad.
I am too angry to be mad.
That doesn't make sense.
Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy.
Hey, maybe don't say
"sworn enemy"
- in a room full of soldiers.
- Susie.
I didn't go looking for this,
okay?
She summoned me to her house,
and I only went because of you.
- Me?
- Yes.
I wanted to try
to smooth shit over
so she'd stop messing with you.
And the next thing I knew,
she's talking to me
about how I defended you,
how I fought for you,
and she wants me
to do that for her.
That psychotic giraffe
of a woman
has been trying to destroy me
for a year.
I know. I was there.
She's a nightmare.
A monster. A hack.
She hates me.
Hey, Sophie is a big star.
You understand?
This is business.
You want me to turn down
a giant opportunity?
- Yes.
- Okay, then what was all that
Susie Myerson and Associates
bullshit, huh?
That was your idea.
I mean,
if you are my only client,
then what are all these
other associates gonna be doing?
Helping you pick out your hats?
If I am gonna do this,
then I have to do this.
And what am I supposed to do?
Just forget the fact
that she had me blackballed
from every club in town?
If I'm her manager,
I'm sure that will stop.
Are you kidding me?
Look, my apartment
is $40 a month,
and I have to sublet it
to Jackie.
To Jackie... a man that
will definitely sit bare-assed
on my one leather chair.
There's no choice there.
I can't afford not to.
When you make $4,000,
I make $400.
And in case you're wondering,
that's less.
- Fuck you.
- This changes nothing.
Conga!
- I... You are still everything to me,
but I can't go around
calling myself a manager
if I'm not gonna
act like a manager.
So you are definitely
doing this?
I have to.
Oh! Oh...
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Abe Weissman.
Wait.
What?
You bailed me out?
Yes.
Well, she...
I bailed you out.
Okay.
Thanks.
I thanked him for the flowers.
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in this town ♪
♪ See, me and the boys,
we don't like it ♪
♪ So we're getting up
and going down ♪
♪ Hiding low,
looking right to left ♪
♪ If you see us coming,
I think it's best ♪
♪ To move away,
do you hear what I say ♪
♪ From under my breath ♪
♪ Tonight, there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ So don't you be around ♪
♪ Don't you be around ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ Some of us won't survive ♪
♪ See, the boys and me
mean business ♪
♪ Bustin' out, dead or alive ♪
♪ I can hear the hound dogs
on my trail ♪
♪ All hell breaks loose,
alarm and sirens wail ♪
♪ Like the game if you lose ♪
♪ Go to jail ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
♪ So don't you be around ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ I'm gonna find myself in ♪
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
♪ So, woman,
stay with a friend. ♪