The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct
your call? I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
- I will connect you.
- B. Altman.
Where may I direct your
call? I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Aah! Too many calls. I can't!
Hold on! I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Head between your knees.
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
Twisted! I'm twisted!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Breathe, honey, breathe.
I will connect you.
Midge, help!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Midge, help!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
Whew! You'd think we were
giving away Pat Boone tickets.
Gosh. You're amazing.
I've had a lot of practice.
Try manning the Revlon counter
on a Free Makeover Friday.
- Makeup counter?
- Yup.
- You were in the show.
- What's it like?
- I hear there's music.
- And lunch breaks.
- And air.
- It is all of that and more.
Sounds like heaven.
It was.
So, how come you landed here?
I hit a rough patch.
There was an incident named Penny.
Bottom line is, I am not a tramp
and someday I'm gonna
be back at that counter.
But until then...
B. Altman. Where may
I connect your call?
Fuck off.
Yeah?
Hi. Is this Susie Myerson?
- No.
- Well, can I speak with Susie Myerson?
- Why?
- I'm Morris Abramson.
I'm a booker out of Pennsylvania.
I'd like to talk about a client of hers.
Oh. Oh. Yes. This is Susie Myerson.
Uh, what did you say your name was?
Uh, Abramson. Morris Abramson.
Morris, nice to meet you.
Uh, hey, wh... where did you
get this number, by the way?
Uh, from the card you gave me?
You're kidding. That worked?
Yes. Listen, I'm interested
in your girl... Mrs. Maisel.
Mm. Yeah, she's hot right now.
I heard about the show
she did with Lenny Bruce.
Oh, yeah, great show. A star was born.
Well, I was wondering what her
availabilities are in February.
Oh, wow. Boy, I wish
you'd called a week ago
before I said yes to
those two weeks in Reno,
but I'll see what I can do.
Uh, hold on. Let me get my book.
Shit, I got to get a book.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Enid.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Doris.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Ginger.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Midge.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Right up your ass.
You're in a good mood.
I am. Hey, why does
every girl there sound
like a guy who's just
been kicked in the nuts?
What do you want, Susie?
I want to tell you it worked.
- What worked?
- The card. The card worked.
One of the guys that I gave
it to called. He wants you.
Not just for a hand job.
He wants to book you in
- a goddamn club in Philadelphia!
- Really?
Fuckin' A.
Yeah. Two other calls came in also.
Newspapers. They heard all
about the Lenny Bruce gig,
and they want to know all about you.
We have gotten over the hump, sister.
The rebuilding has begun.
Philadelphia. Wow. That's exciting.
No, it's not. There's nothing
exciting about Philadelphia.
Well, I've never been, and
I've always wanted to go.
Take Sixth Avenue, add a
bell, that's Philadelphia.
I don't think that's accurate.
Midge, you got another call.
Some guy in a total panic.
I have to go back to work.
B. Altman. This is Midge.
Miriam, how long will
it take you to get here?
- Two and a half hours.
- What?
I work till 6:00.
No. I need you now. Come home.
- But...
- Now, Miriam, now.
Papa.
Now, now, now.
I'm here! What is it?
What's the matter? What's missing?
Eye, eye, ear, ear, nose, hand, foot.
Blood? No blood. No blood! Ethan's fine.
Is it Esther? Oh, God.
What's wrong? What's bad?
You look fine. You look fine.
Your eyes are asymmetrical.
Is that why you called me?
Her eyes are asymmetrical?
I know that! I have a contingency plan!
- Miriam.
- Papa!
I don't know what to do. I don't
understand what's happening.
- What's the problem?
- It's your mother.
Mama? What's wrong with Mama?
- She's not here.
- She's...
Tonight's the annual
faculty holiday party,
- and she's not here?
- I...
She's never missed
this party before, ever.
- Well, where is she?
- I don't know.
You don't?
I mean, she went to Paris,
but she was supposed to be back by now.
Paris? She went to Paris?
When did she go to Paris?
A few days ago. She was going
on a shopping trip or something.
What do you mean "or something"?
It just doesn't make sense
that she would miss the party.
- Papa, what did she say?
- That she was going to Paris,
and she'd be back before the party.
- She said that?
- Yes.
- Well, I assume she said that.
- Assume?
This is a great party,
Miriam. They have a band.
Papa, did you ask when she'd be back?
- Yes.
- A second ago you assumed.
Asked, assumed... same thing.
- Not at all the same thing.
- Pretty close.
You teach at Columbia.
They should be terrified.
- Did you look around your den?
- For what?
For flight information.
A hotel name, a phone
number, Amelia Earhart.
- There's nothing in my den.
- Papa, think hard.
When Mama said she was going to Paris,
- what exactly did she say?
- I don't know.
Concentrate. Recreate the moment.
I was there, and she came in, and...
- I'm going to Paris.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't feel like I
have a life here anymore.
Everything and everyone
that I always counted on
has let me down.
I don't know what my place is here.
You don't need me.
Miriam doesn't need me.
I serve no purpose.
I'm unhappy and I'm
tired of being unhappy,
so I booked myself a
flight for tomorrow night.
Zelda's making lamb for dinner.
Lamb's good.
- Papa, are you kidding me?!
- What?
- Mama moved to Paris!
- What?! Oh, that's ridiculous.
Did you hear what you just said?
What?
You just told me that Mama told
you she was moving to Paris.
I never said that.
"I don't feel like I have a life here.
"Everyone and everything
that I have ever counted
on has let me down"?
And you said, "Okay."
No. I said lamb was okay, and it was.
Oh, good grief.
Honestly, Papa, you don't listen.
- Not true.
- You don't listen to anyone.
Not true.
"I don't feel like I have a life here"?
Stop repeating that!
All right, I'll admit that
sometimes I tune people out,
but mostly because they
rarely have anything useful
- or interesting to say.
- It's empty.
- What?
- Her closet's empty.
Her drawers are empty.
Her perfume's gone.
Where's her things?
- Where did they go?
- I'm guessing Paris.
But what was she going to
wear to the party tonight?
You didn't notice this?
You sleep right there.
You live here, too. You
didn't notice either.
You're her husband.
You're in her closet way more than I am.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Papa?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
You're in on it, aren't
you? You helped her pack?
- No.
- Yeah, you're still helping her.
You're packing up dishes to send
to her right now, aren't you?
Only the ones from her grandmother.
You do hate those dishes.
Yes, but this isn't the way
I wanted to get rid of them.
Zelda, do you know where she is?
- She left me the address.
- Why didn't you tell us?
She said not to say anything,
to wait until Mr. Weissman asked.
He's asking! I'm asking.
Zelda, please, where is Mrs. Weissman?
Was that up there the whole time?
- Yes.
- In plain view? Just like that?
- Yes.
- Okay, you... pack. You...
- unpack.
- What? Why?
Because, the idiot twins
are going to go to Paris
- to bring your mother back.
- But...
And then we'll have a
little talk about loyalty.
To the person who signs the checks,
not the person you like more.
American loyalty!
Is this the place?
Uh, I need small bills.
"18 Bis Rue du Mail."
18. 18. 18. 18.
- Small bills.
- I can't find an address.
Can you find a... ? Oh,
that hat is fabulous.
Hey, hey, small bills, small bills.
What? Oh.
- Monsieur...
- Uh, here.
The French kind. French kind.
Wow, that one's even better.
Hey, hey, will you stop shopping?
Sorry.
Okay, is, uh... is this enough?
What, wh... what, what did he say?
I don't know. I don't speak French.
What do you mean you don't speak French?
I mean I don't speak French.
All this time with your mother,
- she never taught you French?
- No.
That's the only reason
I asked you to come.
- Okay, I, uh...
- Okay.
Yeah, you're welcome for the tip.
For D-Day. You pick.
I think this is it.
This can't be it. It must be it.
- Is there a bell?
- Maybe we should call.
- Does she have a phone?
- Does she have a bell?
- I don't know.
- You've just answered both questions.
- I'm nervous.
- Me, too.
- What do I say?
- I think you should just
go in there and be sweet.
She's probably homesick by now.
She's probably just waiting for
you to sweep her off her feet
and carry her back to
the Upper West Side.
Oh, that's gonna be murder on my back.
Be sweet.
Hey, hey, hey, focus, focus.
Sorry.
Uh, good morning, Miss, uh, Mrs.
Can you help us?
We're looking for Rose Weissman.
Mademoiselle Weissman.
Oh, so now you speak French.
Rose Weissman?
Uh-huh.
Are you sure this is right?
This is the address she left.
It's like a Gallic Hooverville.
It's a little rustic.
Everyone here has murdered
at least three people
in their lifetimes.
Rose? Rose, are you here?
She's drafting us. She's drafting us.
Don't look her in the eye,
it'll only rile her up.
- More than this?
- Rose, are you here?
- Mama?
- Rose... Rose?
- Mama?
- Rose.
- I'm going up.
- Okay. We're going up.
I'm just gonna leave these here.
- Never mind.
- Oh, God, what is that smell?
It's like a dead fish
crawled inside a deader fish.
- She's still coming.
- Rose?!
Boy, I really wish you knew French.
Papa, look, Rose. It says "Rose."
- Rose! My Rose!
- Mama?
- Mama, are you in there?
- It's your husband!
Abe? Miriam? What on
earth are you doing here?
We're here to see you.
- Wait, you didn't wire her?
- No. Why?
Papa, we had a whole
conversation where I told you
to let her know we were coming.
- We did?
- Yes.
I have no memory of that.
Oh, well, this is a nice surprise.
Would you like to come in?
Hey. Sweet.
What?
Would you like some coffee?
I'll heat up the rechaud.
I'm sorry about the weather today.
The papers actually said sun.
I know how rain depresses you two,
but really, in Paris,
it's quite wonderful.
So try to look past it.
Oh, how was your flight?
It was your first time on
a plane, wasn't it, Miriam?
- Isn't air travel a marvel? Bonjour, René.
- Bonjour, Rose.
One minute you're in New
York, and the next you're here
in Gay Paree.
Are you hungry? I could
scrounge around for some cake.
Uh, I think we're fine.
Well, if you change your mind.
- So, this apartment...
- Oh, isn't it charmant?
This is where I lived
when I went to school here.
There's no furniture.
I didn't know if there'd
be a room available.
It had been a while.
One chair. There's only one chair?
So I knocked on the door,
and dear sweet Marie answered.
I couldn't believe my luck.
- I can see the sky.
- Oh, Gitane?
Me? Oh, no. Well, sure, I guess.
Oh, I was so thrilled.
I just love this view.
Uh, I see a pipe and more roof.
Oh, there's a dead bird
over there, that's nice.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you smoked.
Not pure hellfire, no.
Well, put it out; I'll smoke it later.
You'll smoke it later?
You got a dog?
Everyone, meet Simone. Simone.
Oh.
- You trained it?
- Of course.
Okay. Okay, okay. Here we go.
- Papa.
- No! No. No.
We're done. It's over.
Enough of this.
- You are insane.
- Papa.
Look at this place.
Look at you.
This is not... I'm not...
That chair is broken.
- So?
- So?
- Mama, we're just concerned.
- About what?
You, crazy lady, you.
You just took off with no word.
I told your father I was leaving.
Yes, but he doesn't
remember, so it doesn't count.
Well, I'm sorry you were worried.
Ah, apology accepted. Get your things.
Pack up your one fork
and your half a plate,
your used cigarette and let's go.
No.
You are coming back to New York.
- Right now.
- Papa, this isn't sweet.
Fuck sweet. She got a dog.
Let me talk to Mama for a second.
- Can you just wait?
- Wait? Wait where?
There's one room and a partial roof.
The butter's hanging from a windowsill.
The bathroom...
- Where is the bathroom?
- Down the hall.
- Did she say "down the hall"?
- She did. We share.
I think sharing a bathroom sounds fun.
Then get out more.
Rose, Rose.
Rose, you're angry, and
trying to prove a point.
Fine. Prove it back in New York.
Oh, you're upsetting her.
All right, playtime's over.
I am telling that Nazi downstairs
that you are leaving tonight.
Why the hell didn't you
teach her to speak French?
Marie's not a Nazi.
She's just flexible.
Hey, could we maybe try this again?
Somewhere else? Maybe have some dinner?
- Tonight?
- Oh, of course.
Oh, I know a lovely little
bistro you would love.
It's just around the corner.
Here.
Just give this to the cab
driver and he'll take you there.
- 9:00?
- Sure.
We'll be there.
Oh, you're bringing your father.
Yeah. I thought, "What the hell."
I just saw a cockroach.
It's heading right toward your door.
Do you want me to kill it for you?
I know. Okay, I got it.
So... see you at 9:00.
I've missed you, Mama.
I've missed me, too.
So, see, when I said "be sweet... "
I know, I know.
So now what?
Well, she agreed to have dinner with us.
Did she? What a sport.
We should find a hotel.
She agreed to have dinner.
We should check in, get settled.
Deigned. She deigned to dine.
You know, when Ethan acts like this,
I take away his fire truck.
♪ I'd cry like a baby... ♪
The whole room was frozen.
And Lawrence said, "What did he say?"
And Curtis said, "I quit,"
so Lawrence thought Curtis was quitting
and he called him a goddamn pansy.
I'm sorry, Archie.
You don't have to keep apologizing.
I did not mean to just walk
out on you guys like that.
We were all dressed up,
- had our corsages on.
- I know.
You heard we didn't put out,
that's why you walked, right?
Yes, that was it.
Doesn't pay to be a nice girl anymore.
♪ I'd let out a wail ♪
Shit. Sally.
- You going for a record?
- Yes.
To go along with my
biggest asshole trophy.
You know, if you talked to your uncle...
- No.
- I know he'd let you come back.
- Forget it.
- You were on fire before you left.
He doesn't want to lose you now.
I was drowning before I left.
That place was like a tomb.
A mausoleum.
Filled with people who are dead.
Their souls died years ago,
they just don't know it yet.
- And you.
- Thank you.
So what do you do now?
Now I find an apartment.
Tired of living at your parents' house?
What grown man wouldn't
love living with his parents?
- Yeah? Fun?
- So fun.
I stay out till they're asleep,
I get up before they're awake.
Sounds exhausting.
I've seen a couple of places,
but I need something big
enough for Ethan to say over,
but not so big that
I have to pay for it.
Sure, one of those nice
spacious free one bedrooms.
If you hear of anything...
Sally's.
Joel, phone.
Hello?
Well, what did she say it was?
♪ Fourth of July... ♪
Is she okay?
♪ If you ever said... ♪
Did she say why it's so important?
♪ You were leaving for good... ♪
Okay. I'll call her right away.
Thank you, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Something wrong?
My mother wants me to call her.
♪ I'd cry like a baby ♪
♪ With a busted balloon ♪
♪ I'd let out a wail ♪
- Hello?
- Hello, Ma, what's wrong?
Oh, Joel, hello.
- What's going on?
- Nothing, why?
I got a message there was an emergency.
- Who told you that?
- Ma, you called Mrs. Moskowitz,
said you had to talk to me.
Well, here I am. Talk.
Oh, I was out of cheese.
You were out of cheese.
Your father had people over
and I wanted to serve cheese.
- And that's it?
- Yes.
Well, now I'm on the edge
of my seat, so what happened?
I found some.
You should go to Hollywood, Ma.
They'd pay big money for that story.
It's not a story.
You don't believe your mother? Fine.
You'll miss me when I'm dead.
Okay, good-bye.
Oh, shit.
Is that the time? I have to go.
- You sure?
- I'm sure. I'm sorry.
That'll be eight bucks, boys.
Buy yourself something nice.
Boy, we're getting really
good at this drinking thing.
If you're gonna do
something, do it right.
If I don't get back to the office,
they're gonna think I quit, too.
So, drinks tomorrow?
Same place, same stool?
You're on.
Hey, Joel, what the hell
was that tape we heard that
day at the record store?
I mean, that was Midge, right?
Yeah, she got drunk at
a party, started talking.
Some asshole taped it.
Happens to the best of us, pal.
- See ya tomorrow.
- Yup.
Some people say that women aren't funny.
Ah, I think the only people who say that
are men who aren't funny.
Times are changing.
Buy a new watch, pal.
Mm, I actually think people
are interested in what
a woman has to say.
Maybe they don't admit it.
You think the fact she's
so attractive is a problem?
- For who?
- Jackie.
Maybe it's confusing to some,
but there's a brain there.
And people are talking
about shit nowadays.
The Pope, you think Bruce
could've mentioned
the Pope ten years ago?
Well, he sure as shit
is mentioning him now.
You want another coffee?
Jackie, get him another coffee.
So when she walked in
here the first night,
she was raw, but you could see it.
- I sure did.
- Just the coffee, please.
I'm just saying, as a man,
I saw that she had thoughts.
You were here when Susie discovered her?
Was I here? I'm always here.
Just waiting for
something to happen, man.
It's a boring fucking place.
That could change any minute, Jackie.
So what is the connection
with Lenny Bruce?
- They dating?
- No, they are not dating.
He's her champion.
And when the best spots the best,
you can bet it's the best.
Wait, cross that out.
I sound like an idiot.
I just mean, he's the top,
but he sees who's coming up behind him.
So where do you go from here?
We'll, we're, uh,
working on expanding her profile.
Articles like this are gonna help.
Uh, we're being choosy,
picking the right clubs; eventually,
Mrs. Maisel's gonna be a household name.
Mark my words, pal.
Can I help you guys?
- This the one?
- I think so.
I thought it was a girl.
Yeah, it's supposed to be a girl.
Is this a girl? This
doesn't look like a girl.
It came out of the club
when they said she would.
- Hey, you a girl?
- I'm not sure what
- the best answer is here.
- I don't think it's a girl.
This is why we need a fucking picture.
Wait.
I see it now. It could be a girl.
All right. We're gonna take a walk.
- Where?
- None of your business. Just walk.
- Can I finish my slice?
- Do you understand you're in
- a little bit of trouble here?
- I'm picking up on that.
We're gonna go somewhere, we're
gonna have a talk. Now move.
Nothing but roadwork.
This whole town's a crumbling shit hole.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Stretching.
- Well, don't.
You work for Harry Drake, right?
Who knows.
Well, you do, theoretically.
Shut up. That's what I know.
- Where are we going?
- You'll find out.
Now sit back and make
like The Miracle Worker.
Hey, Frank, I got to say,
I don't know how I feel
about roughing up a girl.
- We don't know it's a girl.
- It's a girl.
Fuck you, Annie Sullivan.
- Annie Sullivan could talk.
- Not in my car, she couldn't.
- Doesn't seem right.
- We do what we're told.
My sister's a girl.
Look, it's not my favorite
assignment, either,
but we chose this line of work.
You want to be a garbage man?
Fuck, I'd love to be a garbage man.
- Time and a half on weekends.
- Great benefits.
Shut the fuck up!
It's nice that you like theater.
Zelda?
Zelda?
Zelda? Zelda, can you hear me?
Miss Miriam?
Did you find Mrs. Weissman?
We did.
Did she get her underwear?
- I did not ask.
- Tell her I sent her underwear.
I will let her know.
- Is Mr. Weissman calm?
- Not at all.
Put two jiggers of
schnapps in his coffee.
- He will fall right to sleep.
- Good tip.
It works for Ethan, too.
- How are the kids?
- They're fine.
Mr. Maisel took Ethan
to the movies today.
Oh. Th... that's great.
Uh, did, um, did Mr.
Maisel leave a message?
- For who?
- For me.
- No.
- Did he leave a number?
- No.
- Oh.
But he did say if you need
him, just leave some words
at his father's and
someone will tell him.
So he did leave a message?
Oh, yes. That's a message?
- That is a message.
- Well, he left that.
I am sorry for you, Miss Miriam.
To lose the boy who climbs
out your window, that is hard.
She's coming. She's coming.
Zelda? Zelda, I have to go.
Kiss the children for me.
That's her, right?
You don't recognize your own wife?
I haven't recognized
her since I got here.
She just walked right through a
puddle. Right through a puddle!
- Bonsoir, Ronan.
- Bonsoir, Rose.
- Mama?
- Oh, there you are, Miriam.
Mwah, mwah. Abe.
- I guess we're walking.
- Mm-hmm.
I hope you're all starving because I am.
They have the best bread in the world.
They get it from this mad,
little man around the corner.
Oh, uh, no, thank you. Okay.
- Proost.
- Proost.
Leave him out of it.
So tell me, how do
you like Paris so far?
It's very Parisian.
It's the most beautiful
city in the world.
They talk about the light in New York,
but when the sun sets here, it's magic.
It's why all the great
artists in the world
- are so drawn to this place.
- She brought the dog.
We found an adorable
hotel right near here.
Oh, yes? What's it called?
Le something.
Oh, delicious.
What is this?
Simone's favorite. Steak tartare.
- We're eating dog food?
- No. She's eating people food.
It's raw. Is it supposed to be raw?
You know, you should go
to the Louvre tomorrow.
Get a little culture
before you head back home.
I was thinking we could
all spend a day or so
seeing the sights before
we all head back home,
the collective we. We three, we.
Mama, did you hear what Papa
just said about the sightseeing?
And the coming home?
Well, sightseeing would be lovely.
What about the coming home?
Oh, dear. She threw
up. We'll need a napkin.
Rose, please. It's a dog.
It'll clean that up itself.
Let's talk about getting you home.
I think we should have the chicken.
I know that sounds simple,
but a well-made roast chicken
is the sign of a truly great chef.
Chicken sounds great. So, tomorrow?
Stay in the moment, Miriam.
You need to learn to stay in the moment.
Look around. See where you are.
You're in Paris. Take it in.
Internalize it.
Not to cut the internalizing
short or anything,
but we really do need
to make some plans.
I don't make plans anymore.
Because we have a life back in New York
and up until recently,
it was a pretty good life.
It was fine.
Ah, it was a little better than "fine."
We had D. Porthault sheets.
I'm not even sure what that
is, but people always seemed
so impressed when you
mentioned it to them.
Yes, that did stop a room.
So, what do you think?
Maybe a few more days?
Mm, I don't know.
A week. Two weeks.
No, I have a life here, Abe.
Mama, this isn't your real life.
It's not?
Rose, will you please
stop talking to the dog?
All right, Abe. My goodness.
So threatened by a little dog.
I'm not threatened by a dog.
I'm trying to discuss something serious.
When are you coming home?
- I'm not.
- This is ridiculous. Both of you.
W... we need to come to
some sort of resolution here.
I have to get back.
I have work. I... I have children.
- Then you should go.
- Not without you.
- I'm happy here.
- Bullshit!
Oh, zip it, Simone.
Okay.
I've sat here long enough.
You want to play it like that?
Fine. Miriam, go home.
Me? I am not going home
without my wife. Period.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, my dinnertime is 6:00.
Only gangsters eat at 9:00
after some bootlegging
and a hot game of craps.
We will continue this
nightmare tomorrow.
More wine?
So, was that a chicken
or was that a chicken?
That was a chicken.
Mama, how long are you
gonna torture Papa like this?
- Oh, your father's just fine.
- No.
No, he's not fine. He's
going out of his mind.
As soon as he realizes
he can put a bookshelf
where my vanity is, he'll be just fine.
- I don't understand you.
- You don't?
You made your point. You won.
I... I know we all let you down,
but you have punished
us. You've punished him.
He... he came here to say "I'm sorry."
I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry."
Did you hear him say "I'm sorry"?
- You know what I mean.
- I speak two languages.
I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry"
- in either one of them.
- He came here.
That is "I'm sorry" in Abe speak.
- It's not good enough.
- What more does he need to do?
Nothing. I'm not asking
him to do anything.
- I didn't ask him to come here.
- Oh, come on.
You thought he was just
gonna let you leave?
I didn't think about it in those terms.
What terms did you think of it in?
I was unhappy. I didn't
want to be unhappy anymore.
But you're married.
You... you have a life.
You have grandchildren.
Remember your grandchildren?
- I do. They're very pleasant.
- Mama.
They can visit. Ethan can learn to fish,
and when Esther's old enough
to have that nose fixed,
the best doctors in the
world are here for that.
What about me? Don't you miss me?
- You're here.
- But I have to leave.
- You'll come back.
- What about Papa?
Your father's always been very
good at taking care of himself.
Mama, listen to me. You
have to get over this.
The world is full of disappointments,
and sometimes people let you down.
You can't just run away.
What are you getting so upset about?
You made a commitment to this man.
He is your husband.
You have to go back to him!
Well, look who's talking.
Allons-y, Simone.
Hey, drunk or dead?
- Drunk.
- You can tell from here?
I got an eye.
You play the ponies?
Once in a while. To relax.
My uncle played the ponies.
Played every day for five years.
Hmm. Then what? He learned his lesson?
I don't know.
One day he disappeared,
we never saw him again.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Eh.
He owed someone
something. They collected.
I got his jacket, though.
- Oh, sorry about that.
- Yeah.
He might've just moved. Ran.
We got sent a thumb.
To be totally honest,
by the time it goes
through the postal system,
you can't really tell
who a thumb belongs to.
Thumb, huh? Could be
Salvatore. He does thumb work.
This is Clinton-Washington.
Next stop, Broadway-East New York.
Going to the Rockaways, huh?
Who said that?
Well, there's nowhere else to go
from here but to the Rockaways.
I should know. I grew up there.
You're from the Rockaways?
Yeah, Broad Channel Avenue.
Hey, I'm over on Seagull.
Whoa, you're in the fancy section.
I don't believe it. Frank, did you hear?
- A girl from the Rockaways.
- You never meet one of those.
Well, you meet 'em.
They just don't admit it.
Hey, is Greenie's
Luncheonette still there?
Oh, no. We burned it down.
Oh, shame. They made a great patty melt.
Yeah, yeah, they did at that.
A Rockaways girl. Heh!
Oh, man, you are right on the water.
Yep. This was my parents' place.
My brother and I had
a big fight over it.
Let me guess who won.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, American. Wonderful.
25 francs for the show.
Open the tiny purse.
Yes. Thank you.
Sit, sit, sit.
Excuse me, can I bum a cigarette?
French got tough lungs,
I'll give 'em that.
Your zipper.
Just let me...
Ooh.
Oh, y... you don't understand.
I'm... I'm just trying to...
Oh, hello. Oh. Uh...
I don't know what you're asking.
Miss America!
Wait, you're...
You're men? All of you?
Did you know this?
Ye... yes, you probably did know this.
That's probably why you came here.
My God, I've never
seen anything like this.
I... I mean, in... in
college there were plays
where some of the boys would
dress up like girls for a joke,
you know, "Honeybun"
for the talent show,
but that... that was just socks
stuffed into their mother's bras.
They never looked like that.
I... I don't think
men do this in America.
- Oh, they do.
- You're an American.
Sort of. I'm a New Yorker.
So am I. What a small
world. Are you on vacation?
Oh, no. I live here now.
Really? So does my mother.
Well, she doesn't really live here.
She moved here to spite my father,
and now she shares a
bathroom with five men,
so not sure who won the first round.
Uh, so... so my... my father
came here to bring her back,
and he brought me along because
he thought I spoke French,
which I don't. I wish I did.
Hey, how much did they
charge you for the show?
- 20 francs.
- Yeah. I had a feeling.
Uh, a... anyhow, it's...
it's not going so well
between the two of them,
and I feel a little guilty
because it's kind of my fault
my father is in this situation.
I decided this year to
totally uproot my life
and became a different person.
I guess you all know
what that's like, huh?
Have you ever done that?
Have you ever had your entire life
change over the course of a few months?
I mean, besides being occupied.
That had to be a shift.
Hey, uh, could you, could you maybe...
Okay.
Perfect.
I used to have the perfect life.
And then it was completely upended
when my husband had an affair.
He cheated on me.
That's a bad thing.
Who here has ever
been attacked in public
by their husband's secretary?
Oh.
Right. It's France.
Back in America, that line gets bupkis.
Anyhow, my... my husband's
cheating started a chain of events
that led to me spontaneously
getting up on stage
and telling complete strangers,
some of whom don't
even speak my language,
all about my humiliating life.
And the more I did it,
the more I could not stop doing it,
and the next thing I knew,
twice a week I'm saying "fuck" onstage.
Damn it, your waist is small.
It's smaller than mine.
Can you just turn the other way?
Seriously, your lipstick is killing me.
Well, that was a mistake.
Your ass is better than your tits.
Okay.
Is it, is it really necessary
to be that beautiful?
Because frankly, it's incredibly unfair.
It's not enough that women have
to compete with other women,
now men are getting in the mix?
You can't have it all.
You can't run the world and have
all the pretty underwear, too.
The competition wasn't
stiff enough with the hoards
of slutty secretaries roaming the Earth?
That's like y... you're already
fighting with some asshole
who's trying to get
in front of you in line
and steal your cab at Bendel's
while you got one arm
full of shopping bags
and the other's holding onto your son
so he doesn't run away
and drink from the puddles,
and then out of the
blue a mugger comes along
and hits you over the
head with a piece of pipe
he found at a construction site
and completely knocks you out!
See? You see, right?
- It's fun to be up here.
- Whew.
The... the laughter...
... the adoration,
the power of the microphone.
It's intoxicating. Dangerous, too.
You remember my cheating husband?
Or as you'd say, "husband"?
After his affair...
... or as you'd say, "Thursday."
He came back.
And it seemed like maybe we could
put the whole sordid
affair behind us, you know,
be French, and then one night...
You've been a great audience,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's it for me. My
name is Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you and goodnight!
It worked!
They loved it! That was
great! Wasn't I great?
My God, the arrogance.
I've created a monster.
You're Norman Mailer
in a cocktail dress.
Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
Just tell me, was it good?
Come on, you don't need
me to say it, do you?
Okay, you're up.
I'm not going on after
that. Are you kidding me?
- You afraid to follow a girl?
- Always and everywhere.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
the reason why we're here tonight,
I give you, Lenny Bruce!
Will Elizabeth Taylor
become Bar Mitzvah'ed?
No, I promise continuity,
I'll behave myself.
I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed.
That's the thing, you know,
I have a, uh, reputation
for being sort of
controversial and irreverent
and... and also the semantic
bear trap of bad taste.
And actually I do have
and... and always will
be accused of bad taste
by the people who eat in restaurants
to reserve service,
you know, that kind of scene.
Yeah. But you might be interested
in how I became offensive.
Like, it started in school,
uh, with, um... drinking,
and, uh, I was...
Really, I was, like, this
real depressed kid, you know.
And, uh, seven or eight years old,
and I'd get really juiced
and out of my head, and...
Yeah, yeah, so the teacher would
really get bummed, you know,
with me singing and carrying on
and calling Columbus a fink,
and... and boosting Aaron Burr,
and then smoking.
See, I don't know if you can see this,
but I have this tattoo.
Can you see that?
- Aah! Did you see?
- Yeah. You were amazing.
I was amazing.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just a funny story.
While you were up there, Joel came in.
- What?
- Yeah. He was here and he saw...
How much did he hear?
- I don't know.
- How much?
Well... all of it.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Did he, did he seem upset?
A little. He said some things.
- You talked to him?
- For a second.
What... what did he say?
That he was upset.
- What did you say?
- I said you were a great comic,
and you were gonna be a star.
And I might have called him Sal Mineo.
Which I would like to point out
that many people would
take as a compliment.
Shit. Shit, shit...
Miriam, where are you going?
I didn't know you were gonna be there.
And what would you have
done if you did know?
I'm sorry.
For what?
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
I should probably get off the stage now.
Uh...
Thank you for listening.
My name is Mrs. Maisel.
That's my stage name.
I... I gave it to myself when I thought
I was actually gonna be Mrs. Maisel,
and then after it just
seemed darkly ironic, so...
I kept it.
So...
bye.
Here's the card of a psychiatrist
who just moved to New York from Boston.
He's done wonders for
my friend Sylvia Plath.
Call him.
Thanks.
♪ Autumn in New York ♪
♪ Why does it seem so inviting? ♪
I just can't understand
what goes on in that head of yours!
It's like a panoply of meshuggeneh!
- He's our son.
- He's not in the business.
- He doesn't understand.
- He's smart. Explain it.
No, I don't want to explain it.
He chose to keep his life separate,
so, goddamm it, keep it separate!
Well, I didn't tell him anything.
You called him! You called
him like a crazy person.
If I hadn't gotten to you first...
Well, you did and I covered.
You covered? Like a Yiddish
Theda Bara you covered.
He thinks I ran out of
cheese. He thinks I'm insane.
- He's right!
- He could help.
Bullshit! The company is my business.
I'll take care of it.
- Fine.
- Understand?
Fine! Yes! Fine!
I can't believe you shot a clown.
His flower... whoa...
started spewing water
all over the place.
Colored scarves were
shooting out of his mouth.
People were killing themselves
to get out of that Volkswagen.
It was great.
I have to tell you, Saverina,
this food is amazing.
I never had moussaka before.
Wouldn't you know I go out of my way
to marry a Sicilian girl,
and all she cooks is Greek.
Hey, Sophia,
you find that quarter I hid yet?
No.
Oh, you don't find it
by the time I finish,
I'm taking it back.
No, no, no, no, no!
Cute kid.
- Thanks.
- So, Susie,
we've been talking, and if you want us
to do a little digging about your uncle,
we know where they, you
know, do a little digging,
if you get my drift.
Wow, that is a really sweet offer,
but no one really misses him.
Thanks, though.
Mmm... this is better than the moussaka.
Seriously, Saverina, you are a genius.
Wait till you taste her dessert.
You know what, this is the
best abduction I've ever had.
I'm serious here.
Hey, our pleasure.
God, it's so good.
Ah, shit! Almost.
I'll tell you one thing,
you don't throw like a girl.
Okay, okay, okay. Ha!
Asshole.
Every time. He hits it every time.
I roughed up a Major
League pitcher once.
Yeah, what, so you got his
abilities through osmosis?
No, but he gave me some
tips before I broke his arm.
Okay, here goes nothing.
I'm fighting the wind.
Oh, come on.
- What?
- There was a gust of wind
that came right as I started to throw.
The only wind out here is
coming out of your ass, pal.
- I win. Five bucks. Pay up.
- I don't have any money.
Guess you're just gonna have to kill me.
Speaking of killing me, it's
getting pretty late here.
Okay, come on. Let's get you home.
Oh, hey, a little business first.
You skated here tonight, Susie.
You're from the
neighborhood, we like you,
my family likes you, so we're gonna just
tell our boss we couldn't find you.
I appreciate that, Frank.
But this problem isn't going away,
and next time they could
send some other guys.
Guys who don't have a
problem roughing up a girl.
They could send Tony.
Tony beat the shit out
of Martha Raye last week.
Had a steak dinner at Keens after.
- Yeah, I get it.
- It would be good if you could
find a way to resolve this problem
before that happens, okay?
Now, come on.
Saverina made you a fuckin' doggie bag.
Joely! Joely!
- What, Ma?
- You have a call. Collect.
- Okay.
- Collect! Collect!
- I'm coming.
- Collect! Let's go!
- Geez, Ma.
- When you hear "collect,"
you get your tuchis out here.
- Hello?
- Joel?
Midge? What's the matter?
So, this is how it's
gonna be from now on?
I call, and it's, "Midge,
what's the matter?"
No. No, but... what's the matter?
You won't leave a number.
You won't talk to me.
I... I can't find you. I
don't know where you are.
I'm at my parents'.
No, I know you're at your parents'.
- Then you know where I am.
- I don't... I don't mean
I want to know where you
are, I mean I want to know
where you are; I want to talk.
I think it would be better to
have a little space right now.
- Why? Why?!
- Midge, you know why.
No. It was, it was just that night.
That night screwed everything up.
Hey, what's going on with you tonight?
Where's this coming from?
It's coming from me.
It's coming from that fucking bridge.
What bridge?
I hear sirens.
That's not New York. Where are you?
- France.
- What?!
I want to talk about our future.
- Did you say France?
- Because I really think we can work this out.
Midge...
- We have children.
- Yes.
We will have to see each other forever.
- Yes.
- Until we are dead.
- Yes.
- And then for four to six months after.
Okay, apparently you
know something I don't.
So we are never gonna be fully
out of each other's lives.
- I know that.
- So, if we can't ever leave,
then let's figure out how to stay.
- Midge, come on.
- We were on a path.
We were heading somewhere.
We were almost there.
- I know.
- It was just that night at the club.
That's it. I... if that
hadn't have happened...
- It happened.
- But... I don't understand.
I don't understand why
we can't work it out.
There has to be a way.
- There's not.
- Don't say that.
I love you, Joel.
I love you, too.
I am in love with you. So
deeply in love with you.
- You're killing me, Midge.
- We can do this.
We can figure this out.
I can figure this out.
I can figure anything out. I am amazing.
I know you are, you don't
have to tell me any of this.
So then, why? Why? Tell me why.
Because for us to be together,
you'd have to give it up.
What? Stand-up?
I can't be in a marriage
where my wife is going off
and talking about me to
a room full of strangers.
Talking about my faults,
my mistakes, my failures.
Y... you don't understand,
the whole point is
you go off and talk about your life.
No, no, no, I do understand.
I understand completely.
I know you have to talk about your life.
That's why you're good,
'cause you're honest.
It's real, it's authentic.
It's everything I wasn't up there.
I get it. I just can't live with it.
I wish I could. Maybe another man could,
but I just can't be a joke.
You are not a joke.
Do you want to quit?
No.
I don't want you to quit either.
You're too good.
So... you see where I'm going here?
Follow me down the road.
If you're not gonna stop,
I can't be there for it.
Now... why are you in France?
Long story.
I'd like to hear it sometime.
I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
And you're gonna be okay.
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct
your call? I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
- I will connect you.
- B. Altman.
Where may I direct your
call? I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Aah! Too many calls. I can't!
Hold on! I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Head between your knees.
I will connect you.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
Twisted! I'm twisted!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Breathe, honey, breathe.
I will connect you.
Midge, help!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Midge, help!
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
Whew! You'd think we were
giving away Pat Boone tickets.
Gosh. You're amazing.
I've had a lot of practice.
Try manning the Revlon counter
on a Free Makeover Friday.
- Makeup counter?
- Yup.
- You were in the show.
- What's it like?
- I hear there's music.
- And lunch breaks.
- And air.
- It is all of that and more.
Sounds like heaven.
It was.
So, how come you landed here?
I hit a rough patch.
There was an incident named Penny.
Bottom line is, I am not a tramp
and someday I'm gonna
be back at that counter.
But until then...
B. Altman. Where may
I connect your call?
Fuck off.
Yeah?
Hi. Is this Susie Myerson?
- No.
- Well, can I speak with Susie Myerson?
- Why?
- I'm Morris Abramson.
I'm a booker out of Pennsylvania.
I'd like to talk about a client of hers.
Oh. Oh. Yes. This is Susie Myerson.
Uh, what did you say your name was?
Uh, Abramson. Morris Abramson.
Morris, nice to meet you.
Uh, hey, wh... where did you
get this number, by the way?
Uh, from the card you gave me?
You're kidding. That worked?
Yes. Listen, I'm interested
in your girl... Mrs. Maisel.
Mm. Yeah, she's hot right now.
I heard about the show
she did with Lenny Bruce.
Oh, yeah, great show. A star was born.
Well, I was wondering what her
availabilities are in February.
Oh, wow. Boy, I wish
you'd called a week ago
before I said yes to
those two weeks in Reno,
but I'll see what I can do.
Uh, hold on. Let me get my book.
Shit, I got to get a book.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Enid.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Doris.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Ginger.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you. Midge.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Right up your ass.
You're in a good mood.
I am. Hey, why does
every girl there sound
like a guy who's just
been kicked in the nuts?
What do you want, Susie?
I want to tell you it worked.
- What worked?
- The card. The card worked.
One of the guys that I gave
it to called. He wants you.
Not just for a hand job.
He wants to book you in
- a goddamn club in Philadelphia!
- Really?
Fuckin' A.
Yeah. Two other calls came in also.
Newspapers. They heard all
about the Lenny Bruce gig,
and they want to know all about you.
We have gotten over the hump, sister.
The rebuilding has begun.
Philadelphia. Wow. That's exciting.
No, it's not. There's nothing
exciting about Philadelphia.
Well, I've never been, and
I've always wanted to go.
Take Sixth Avenue, add a
bell, that's Philadelphia.
I don't think that's accurate.
Midge, you got another call.
Some guy in a total panic.
I have to go back to work.
B. Altman. This is Midge.
Miriam, how long will
it take you to get here?
- Two and a half hours.
- What?
I work till 6:00.
No. I need you now. Come home.
- But...
- Now, Miriam, now.
Papa.
Now, now, now.
I'm here! What is it?
What's the matter? What's missing?
Eye, eye, ear, ear, nose, hand, foot.
Blood? No blood. No blood! Ethan's fine.
Is it Esther? Oh, God.
What's wrong? What's bad?
You look fine. You look fine.
Your eyes are asymmetrical.
Is that why you called me?
Her eyes are asymmetrical?
I know that! I have a contingency plan!
- Miriam.
- Papa!
I don't know what to do. I don't
understand what's happening.
- What's the problem?
- It's your mother.
Mama? What's wrong with Mama?
- She's not here.
- She's...
Tonight's the annual
faculty holiday party,
- and she's not here?
- I...
She's never missed
this party before, ever.
- Well, where is she?
- I don't know.
You don't?
I mean, she went to Paris,
but she was supposed to be back by now.
Paris? She went to Paris?
When did she go to Paris?
A few days ago. She was going
on a shopping trip or something.
What do you mean "or something"?
It just doesn't make sense
that she would miss the party.
- Papa, what did she say?
- That she was going to Paris,
and she'd be back before the party.
- She said that?
- Yes.
- Well, I assume she said that.
- Assume?
This is a great party,
Miriam. They have a band.
Papa, did you ask when she'd be back?
- Yes.
- A second ago you assumed.
Asked, assumed... same thing.
- Not at all the same thing.
- Pretty close.
You teach at Columbia.
They should be terrified.
- Did you look around your den?
- For what?
For flight information.
A hotel name, a phone
number, Amelia Earhart.
- There's nothing in my den.
- Papa, think hard.
When Mama said she was going to Paris,
- what exactly did she say?
- I don't know.
Concentrate. Recreate the moment.
I was there, and she came in, and...
- I'm going to Paris.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't feel like I
have a life here anymore.
Everything and everyone
that I always counted on
has let me down.
I don't know what my place is here.
You don't need me.
Miriam doesn't need me.
I serve no purpose.
I'm unhappy and I'm
tired of being unhappy,
so I booked myself a
flight for tomorrow night.
Zelda's making lamb for dinner.
Lamb's good.
- Papa, are you kidding me?!
- What?
- Mama moved to Paris!
- What?! Oh, that's ridiculous.
Did you hear what you just said?
What?
You just told me that Mama told
you she was moving to Paris.
I never said that.
"I don't feel like I have a life here.
"Everyone and everything
that I have ever counted
on has let me down"?
And you said, "Okay."
No. I said lamb was okay, and it was.
Oh, good grief.
Honestly, Papa, you don't listen.
- Not true.
- You don't listen to anyone.
Not true.
"I don't feel like I have a life here"?
Stop repeating that!
All right, I'll admit that
sometimes I tune people out,
but mostly because they
rarely have anything useful
- or interesting to say.
- It's empty.
- What?
- Her closet's empty.
Her drawers are empty.
Her perfume's gone.
Where's her things?
- Where did they go?
- I'm guessing Paris.
But what was she going to
wear to the party tonight?
You didn't notice this?
You sleep right there.
You live here, too. You
didn't notice either.
You're her husband.
You're in her closet way more than I am.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Papa?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
You're in on it, aren't
you? You helped her pack?
- No.
- Yeah, you're still helping her.
You're packing up dishes to send
to her right now, aren't you?
Only the ones from her grandmother.
You do hate those dishes.
Yes, but this isn't the way
I wanted to get rid of them.
Zelda, do you know where she is?
- She left me the address.
- Why didn't you tell us?
She said not to say anything,
to wait until Mr. Weissman asked.
He's asking! I'm asking.
Zelda, please, where is Mrs. Weissman?
Was that up there the whole time?
- Yes.
- In plain view? Just like that?
- Yes.
- Okay, you... pack. You...
- unpack.
- What? Why?
Because, the idiot twins
are going to go to Paris
- to bring your mother back.
- But...
And then we'll have a
little talk about loyalty.
To the person who signs the checks,
not the person you like more.
American loyalty!
Is this the place?
Uh, I need small bills.
"18 Bis Rue du Mail."
18. 18. 18. 18.
- Small bills.
- I can't find an address.
Can you find a... ? Oh,
that hat is fabulous.
Hey, hey, small bills, small bills.
What? Oh.
- Monsieur...
- Uh, here.
The French kind. French kind.
Wow, that one's even better.
Hey, hey, will you stop shopping?
Sorry.
Okay, is, uh... is this enough?
What, wh... what, what did he say?
I don't know. I don't speak French.
What do you mean you don't speak French?
I mean I don't speak French.
All this time with your mother,
- she never taught you French?
- No.
That's the only reason
I asked you to come.
- Okay, I, uh...
- Okay.
Yeah, you're welcome for the tip.
For D-Day. You pick.
I think this is it.
This can't be it. It must be it.
- Is there a bell?
- Maybe we should call.
- Does she have a phone?
- Does she have a bell?
- I don't know.
- You've just answered both questions.
- I'm nervous.
- Me, too.
- What do I say?
- I think you should just
go in there and be sweet.
She's probably homesick by now.
She's probably just waiting for
you to sweep her off her feet
and carry her back to
the Upper West Side.
Oh, that's gonna be murder on my back.
Be sweet.
Hey, hey, hey, focus, focus.
Sorry.
Uh, good morning, Miss, uh, Mrs.
Can you help us?
We're looking for Rose Weissman.
Mademoiselle Weissman.
Oh, so now you speak French.
Rose Weissman?
Uh-huh.
Are you sure this is right?
This is the address she left.
It's like a Gallic Hooverville.
It's a little rustic.
Everyone here has murdered
at least three people
in their lifetimes.
Rose? Rose, are you here?
She's drafting us. She's drafting us.
Don't look her in the eye,
it'll only rile her up.
- More than this?
- Rose, are you here?
- Mama?
- Rose... Rose?
- Mama?
- Rose.
- I'm going up.
- Okay. We're going up.
I'm just gonna leave these here.
- Never mind.
- Oh, God, what is that smell?
It's like a dead fish
crawled inside a deader fish.
- She's still coming.
- Rose?!
Boy, I really wish you knew French.
Papa, look, Rose. It says "Rose."
- Rose! My Rose!
- Mama?
- Mama, are you in there?
- It's your husband!
Abe? Miriam? What on
earth are you doing here?
We're here to see you.
- Wait, you didn't wire her?
- No. Why?
Papa, we had a whole
conversation where I told you
to let her know we were coming.
- We did?
- Yes.
I have no memory of that.
Oh, well, this is a nice surprise.
Would you like to come in?
Hey. Sweet.
What?
Would you like some coffee?
I'll heat up the rechaud.
I'm sorry about the weather today.
The papers actually said sun.
I know how rain depresses you two,
but really, in Paris,
it's quite wonderful.
So try to look past it.
Oh, how was your flight?
It was your first time on
a plane, wasn't it, Miriam?
- Isn't air travel a marvel? Bonjour, René.
- Bonjour, Rose.
One minute you're in New
York, and the next you're here
in Gay Paree.
Are you hungry? I could
scrounge around for some cake.
Uh, I think we're fine.
Well, if you change your mind.
- So, this apartment...
- Oh, isn't it charmant?
This is where I lived
when I went to school here.
There's no furniture.
I didn't know if there'd
be a room available.
It had been a while.
One chair. There's only one chair?
So I knocked on the door,
and dear sweet Marie answered.
I couldn't believe my luck.
- I can see the sky.
- Oh, Gitane?
Me? Oh, no. Well, sure, I guess.
Oh, I was so thrilled.
I just love this view.
Uh, I see a pipe and more roof.
Oh, there's a dead bird
over there, that's nice.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you smoked.
Not pure hellfire, no.
Well, put it out; I'll smoke it later.
You'll smoke it later?
You got a dog?
Everyone, meet Simone. Simone.
Oh.
- You trained it?
- Of course.
Okay. Okay, okay. Here we go.
- Papa.
- No! No. No.
We're done. It's over.
Enough of this.
- You are insane.
- Papa.
Look at this place.
Look at you.
This is not... I'm not...
That chair is broken.
- So?
- So?
- Mama, we're just concerned.
- About what?
You, crazy lady, you.
You just took off with no word.
I told your father I was leaving.
Yes, but he doesn't
remember, so it doesn't count.
Well, I'm sorry you were worried.
Ah, apology accepted. Get your things.
Pack up your one fork
and your half a plate,
your used cigarette and let's go.
No.
You are coming back to New York.
- Right now.
- Papa, this isn't sweet.
Fuck sweet. She got a dog.
Let me talk to Mama for a second.
- Can you just wait?
- Wait? Wait where?
There's one room and a partial roof.
The butter's hanging from a windowsill.
The bathroom...
- Where is the bathroom?
- Down the hall.
- Did she say "down the hall"?
- She did. We share.
I think sharing a bathroom sounds fun.
Then get out more.
Rose, Rose.
Rose, you're angry, and
trying to prove a point.
Fine. Prove it back in New York.
Oh, you're upsetting her.
All right, playtime's over.
I am telling that Nazi downstairs
that you are leaving tonight.
Why the hell didn't you
teach her to speak French?
Marie's not a Nazi.
She's just flexible.
Hey, could we maybe try this again?
Somewhere else? Maybe have some dinner?
- Tonight?
- Oh, of course.
Oh, I know a lovely little
bistro you would love.
It's just around the corner.
Here.
Just give this to the cab
driver and he'll take you there.
- 9:00?
- Sure.
We'll be there.
Oh, you're bringing your father.
Yeah. I thought, "What the hell."
I just saw a cockroach.
It's heading right toward your door.
Do you want me to kill it for you?
I know. Okay, I got it.
So... see you at 9:00.
I've missed you, Mama.
I've missed me, too.
So, see, when I said "be sweet... "
I know, I know.
So now what?
Well, she agreed to have dinner with us.
Did she? What a sport.
We should find a hotel.
She agreed to have dinner.
We should check in, get settled.
Deigned. She deigned to dine.
You know, when Ethan acts like this,
I take away his fire truck.
♪ I'd cry like a baby... ♪
The whole room was frozen.
And Lawrence said, "What did he say?"
And Curtis said, "I quit,"
so Lawrence thought Curtis was quitting
and he called him a goddamn pansy.
I'm sorry, Archie.
You don't have to keep apologizing.
I did not mean to just walk
out on you guys like that.
We were all dressed up,
- had our corsages on.
- I know.
You heard we didn't put out,
that's why you walked, right?
Yes, that was it.
Doesn't pay to be a nice girl anymore.
♪ I'd let out a wail ♪
Shit. Sally.
- You going for a record?
- Yes.
To go along with my
biggest asshole trophy.
You know, if you talked to your uncle...
- No.
- I know he'd let you come back.
- Forget it.
- You were on fire before you left.
He doesn't want to lose you now.
I was drowning before I left.
That place was like a tomb.
A mausoleum.
Filled with people who are dead.
Their souls died years ago,
they just don't know it yet.
- And you.
- Thank you.
So what do you do now?
Now I find an apartment.
Tired of living at your parents' house?
What grown man wouldn't
love living with his parents?
- Yeah? Fun?
- So fun.
I stay out till they're asleep,
I get up before they're awake.
Sounds exhausting.
I've seen a couple of places,
but I need something big
enough for Ethan to say over,
but not so big that
I have to pay for it.
Sure, one of those nice
spacious free one bedrooms.
If you hear of anything...
Sally's.
Joel, phone.
Hello?
Well, what did she say it was?
♪ Fourth of July... ♪
Is she okay?
♪ If you ever said... ♪
Did she say why it's so important?
♪ You were leaving for good... ♪
Okay. I'll call her right away.
Thank you, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Something wrong?
My mother wants me to call her.
♪ I'd cry like a baby ♪
♪ With a busted balloon ♪
♪ I'd let out a wail ♪
- Hello?
- Hello, Ma, what's wrong?
Oh, Joel, hello.
- What's going on?
- Nothing, why?
I got a message there was an emergency.
- Who told you that?
- Ma, you called Mrs. Moskowitz,
said you had to talk to me.
Well, here I am. Talk.
Oh, I was out of cheese.
You were out of cheese.
Your father had people over
and I wanted to serve cheese.
- And that's it?
- Yes.
Well, now I'm on the edge
of my seat, so what happened?
I found some.
You should go to Hollywood, Ma.
They'd pay big money for that story.
It's not a story.
You don't believe your mother? Fine.
You'll miss me when I'm dead.
Okay, good-bye.
Oh, shit.
Is that the time? I have to go.
- You sure?
- I'm sure. I'm sorry.
That'll be eight bucks, boys.
Buy yourself something nice.
Boy, we're getting really
good at this drinking thing.
If you're gonna do
something, do it right.
If I don't get back to the office,
they're gonna think I quit, too.
So, drinks tomorrow?
Same place, same stool?
You're on.
Hey, Joel, what the hell
was that tape we heard that
day at the record store?
I mean, that was Midge, right?
Yeah, she got drunk at
a party, started talking.
Some asshole taped it.
Happens to the best of us, pal.
- See ya tomorrow.
- Yup.
Some people say that women aren't funny.
Ah, I think the only people who say that
are men who aren't funny.
Times are changing.
Buy a new watch, pal.
Mm, I actually think people
are interested in what
a woman has to say.
Maybe they don't admit it.
You think the fact she's
so attractive is a problem?
- For who?
- Jackie.
Maybe it's confusing to some,
but there's a brain there.
And people are talking
about shit nowadays.
The Pope, you think Bruce
could've mentioned
the Pope ten years ago?
Well, he sure as shit
is mentioning him now.
You want another coffee?
Jackie, get him another coffee.
So when she walked in
here the first night,
she was raw, but you could see it.
- I sure did.
- Just the coffee, please.
I'm just saying, as a man,
I saw that she had thoughts.
You were here when Susie discovered her?
Was I here? I'm always here.
Just waiting for
something to happen, man.
It's a boring fucking place.
That could change any minute, Jackie.
So what is the connection
with Lenny Bruce?
- They dating?
- No, they are not dating.
He's her champion.
And when the best spots the best,
you can bet it's the best.
Wait, cross that out.
I sound like an idiot.
I just mean, he's the top,
but he sees who's coming up behind him.
So where do you go from here?
We'll, we're, uh,
working on expanding her profile.
Articles like this are gonna help.
Uh, we're being choosy,
picking the right clubs; eventually,
Mrs. Maisel's gonna be a household name.
Mark my words, pal.
Can I help you guys?
- This the one?
- I think so.
I thought it was a girl.
Yeah, it's supposed to be a girl.
Is this a girl? This
doesn't look like a girl.
It came out of the club
when they said she would.
- Hey, you a girl?
- I'm not sure what
- the best answer is here.
- I don't think it's a girl.
This is why we need a fucking picture.
Wait.
I see it now. It could be a girl.
All right. We're gonna take a walk.
- Where?
- None of your business. Just walk.
- Can I finish my slice?
- Do you understand you're in
- a little bit of trouble here?
- I'm picking up on that.
We're gonna go somewhere, we're
gonna have a talk. Now move.
Nothing but roadwork.
This whole town's a crumbling shit hole.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Stretching.
- Well, don't.
You work for Harry Drake, right?
Who knows.
Well, you do, theoretically.
Shut up. That's what I know.
- Where are we going?
- You'll find out.
Now sit back and make
like The Miracle Worker.
Hey, Frank, I got to say,
I don't know how I feel
about roughing up a girl.
- We don't know it's a girl.
- It's a girl.
Fuck you, Annie Sullivan.
- Annie Sullivan could talk.
- Not in my car, she couldn't.
- Doesn't seem right.
- We do what we're told.
My sister's a girl.
Look, it's not my favorite
assignment, either,
but we chose this line of work.
You want to be a garbage man?
Fuck, I'd love to be a garbage man.
- Time and a half on weekends.
- Great benefits.
Shut the fuck up!
It's nice that you like theater.
Zelda?
Zelda?
Zelda? Zelda, can you hear me?
Miss Miriam?
Did you find Mrs. Weissman?
We did.
Did she get her underwear?
- I did not ask.
- Tell her I sent her underwear.
I will let her know.
- Is Mr. Weissman calm?
- Not at all.
Put two jiggers of
schnapps in his coffee.
- He will fall right to sleep.
- Good tip.
It works for Ethan, too.
- How are the kids?
- They're fine.
Mr. Maisel took Ethan
to the movies today.
Oh. Th... that's great.
Uh, did, um, did Mr.
Maisel leave a message?
- For who?
- For me.
- No.
- Did he leave a number?
- No.
- Oh.
But he did say if you need
him, just leave some words
at his father's and
someone will tell him.
So he did leave a message?
Oh, yes. That's a message?
- That is a message.
- Well, he left that.
I am sorry for you, Miss Miriam.
To lose the boy who climbs
out your window, that is hard.
She's coming. She's coming.
Zelda? Zelda, I have to go.
Kiss the children for me.
That's her, right?
You don't recognize your own wife?
I haven't recognized
her since I got here.
She just walked right through a
puddle. Right through a puddle!
- Bonsoir, Ronan.
- Bonsoir, Rose.
- Mama?
- Oh, there you are, Miriam.
Mwah, mwah. Abe.
- I guess we're walking.
- Mm-hmm.
I hope you're all starving because I am.
They have the best bread in the world.
They get it from this mad,
little man around the corner.
Oh, uh, no, thank you. Okay.
- Proost.
- Proost.
Leave him out of it.
So tell me, how do
you like Paris so far?
It's very Parisian.
It's the most beautiful
city in the world.
They talk about the light in New York,
but when the sun sets here, it's magic.
It's why all the great
artists in the world
- are so drawn to this place.
- She brought the dog.
We found an adorable
hotel right near here.
Oh, yes? What's it called?
Le something.
Oh, delicious.
What is this?
Simone's favorite. Steak tartare.
- We're eating dog food?
- No. She's eating people food.
It's raw. Is it supposed to be raw?
You know, you should go
to the Louvre tomorrow.
Get a little culture
before you head back home.
I was thinking we could
all spend a day or so
seeing the sights before
we all head back home,
the collective we. We three, we.
Mama, did you hear what Papa
just said about the sightseeing?
And the coming home?
Well, sightseeing would be lovely.
What about the coming home?
Oh, dear. She threw
up. We'll need a napkin.
Rose, please. It's a dog.
It'll clean that up itself.
Let's talk about getting you home.
I think we should have the chicken.
I know that sounds simple,
but a well-made roast chicken
is the sign of a truly great chef.
Chicken sounds great. So, tomorrow?
Stay in the moment, Miriam.
You need to learn to stay in the moment.
Look around. See where you are.
You're in Paris. Take it in.
Internalize it.
Not to cut the internalizing
short or anything,
but we really do need
to make some plans.
I don't make plans anymore.
Because we have a life back in New York
and up until recently,
it was a pretty good life.
It was fine.
Ah, it was a little better than "fine."
We had D. Porthault sheets.
I'm not even sure what that
is, but people always seemed
so impressed when you
mentioned it to them.
Yes, that did stop a room.
So, what do you think?
Maybe a few more days?
Mm, I don't know.
A week. Two weeks.
No, I have a life here, Abe.
Mama, this isn't your real life.
It's not?
Rose, will you please
stop talking to the dog?
All right, Abe. My goodness.
So threatened by a little dog.
I'm not threatened by a dog.
I'm trying to discuss something serious.
When are you coming home?
- I'm not.
- This is ridiculous. Both of you.
W... we need to come to
some sort of resolution here.
I have to get back.
I have work. I... I have children.
- Then you should go.
- Not without you.
- I'm happy here.
- Bullshit!
Oh, zip it, Simone.
Okay.
I've sat here long enough.
You want to play it like that?
Fine. Miriam, go home.
Me? I am not going home
without my wife. Period.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, my dinnertime is 6:00.
Only gangsters eat at 9:00
after some bootlegging
and a hot game of craps.
We will continue this
nightmare tomorrow.
More wine?
So, was that a chicken
or was that a chicken?
That was a chicken.
Mama, how long are you
gonna torture Papa like this?
- Oh, your father's just fine.
- No.
No, he's not fine. He's
going out of his mind.
As soon as he realizes
he can put a bookshelf
where my vanity is, he'll be just fine.
- I don't understand you.
- You don't?
You made your point. You won.
I... I know we all let you down,
but you have punished
us. You've punished him.
He... he came here to say "I'm sorry."
I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry."
Did you hear him say "I'm sorry"?
- You know what I mean.
- I speak two languages.
I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry"
- in either one of them.
- He came here.
That is "I'm sorry" in Abe speak.
- It's not good enough.
- What more does he need to do?
Nothing. I'm not asking
him to do anything.
- I didn't ask him to come here.
- Oh, come on.
You thought he was just
gonna let you leave?
I didn't think about it in those terms.
What terms did you think of it in?
I was unhappy. I didn't
want to be unhappy anymore.
But you're married.
You... you have a life.
You have grandchildren.
Remember your grandchildren?
- I do. They're very pleasant.
- Mama.
They can visit. Ethan can learn to fish,
and when Esther's old enough
to have that nose fixed,
the best doctors in the
world are here for that.
What about me? Don't you miss me?
- You're here.
- But I have to leave.
- You'll come back.
- What about Papa?
Your father's always been very
good at taking care of himself.
Mama, listen to me. You
have to get over this.
The world is full of disappointments,
and sometimes people let you down.
You can't just run away.
What are you getting so upset about?
You made a commitment to this man.
He is your husband.
You have to go back to him!
Well, look who's talking.
Allons-y, Simone.
Hey, drunk or dead?
- Drunk.
- You can tell from here?
I got an eye.
You play the ponies?
Once in a while. To relax.
My uncle played the ponies.
Played every day for five years.
Hmm. Then what? He learned his lesson?
I don't know.
One day he disappeared,
we never saw him again.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Eh.
He owed someone
something. They collected.
I got his jacket, though.
- Oh, sorry about that.
- Yeah.
He might've just moved. Ran.
We got sent a thumb.
To be totally honest,
by the time it goes
through the postal system,
you can't really tell
who a thumb belongs to.
Thumb, huh? Could be
Salvatore. He does thumb work.
This is Clinton-Washington.
Next stop, Broadway-East New York.
Going to the Rockaways, huh?
Who said that?
Well, there's nowhere else to go
from here but to the Rockaways.
I should know. I grew up there.
You're from the Rockaways?
Yeah, Broad Channel Avenue.
Hey, I'm over on Seagull.
Whoa, you're in the fancy section.
I don't believe it. Frank, did you hear?
- A girl from the Rockaways.
- You never meet one of those.
Well, you meet 'em.
They just don't admit it.
Hey, is Greenie's
Luncheonette still there?
Oh, no. We burned it down.
Oh, shame. They made a great patty melt.
Yeah, yeah, they did at that.
A Rockaways girl. Heh!
Oh, man, you are right on the water.
Yep. This was my parents' place.
My brother and I had
a big fight over it.
Let me guess who won.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, American. Wonderful.
25 francs for the show.
Open the tiny purse.
Yes. Thank you.
Sit, sit, sit.
Excuse me, can I bum a cigarette?
French got tough lungs,
I'll give 'em that.
Your zipper.
Just let me...
Ooh.
Oh, y... you don't understand.
I'm... I'm just trying to...
Oh, hello. Oh. Uh...
I don't know what you're asking.
Miss America!
Wait, you're...
You're men? All of you?
Did you know this?
Ye... yes, you probably did know this.
That's probably why you came here.
My God, I've never
seen anything like this.
I... I mean, in... in
college there were plays
where some of the boys would
dress up like girls for a joke,
you know, "Honeybun"
for the talent show,
but that... that was just socks
stuffed into their mother's bras.
They never looked like that.
I... I don't think
men do this in America.
- Oh, they do.
- You're an American.
Sort of. I'm a New Yorker.
So am I. What a small
world. Are you on vacation?
Oh, no. I live here now.
Really? So does my mother.
Well, she doesn't really live here.
She moved here to spite my father,
and now she shares a
bathroom with five men,
so not sure who won the first round.
Uh, so... so my... my father
came here to bring her back,
and he brought me along because
he thought I spoke French,
which I don't. I wish I did.
Hey, how much did they
charge you for the show?
- 20 francs.
- Yeah. I had a feeling.
Uh, a... anyhow, it's...
it's not going so well
between the two of them,
and I feel a little guilty
because it's kind of my fault
my father is in this situation.
I decided this year to
totally uproot my life
and became a different person.
I guess you all know
what that's like, huh?
Have you ever done that?
Have you ever had your entire life
change over the course of a few months?
I mean, besides being occupied.
That had to be a shift.
Hey, uh, could you, could you maybe...
Okay.
Perfect.
I used to have the perfect life.
And then it was completely upended
when my husband had an affair.
He cheated on me.
That's a bad thing.
Who here has ever
been attacked in public
by their husband's secretary?
Oh.
Right. It's France.
Back in America, that line gets bupkis.
Anyhow, my... my husband's
cheating started a chain of events
that led to me spontaneously
getting up on stage
and telling complete strangers,
some of whom don't
even speak my language,
all about my humiliating life.
And the more I did it,
the more I could not stop doing it,
and the next thing I knew,
twice a week I'm saying "fuck" onstage.
Damn it, your waist is small.
It's smaller than mine.
Can you just turn the other way?
Seriously, your lipstick is killing me.
Well, that was a mistake.
Your ass is better than your tits.
Okay.
Is it, is it really necessary
to be that beautiful?
Because frankly, it's incredibly unfair.
It's not enough that women have
to compete with other women,
now men are getting in the mix?
You can't have it all.
You can't run the world and have
all the pretty underwear, too.
The competition wasn't
stiff enough with the hoards
of slutty secretaries roaming the Earth?
That's like y... you're already
fighting with some asshole
who's trying to get
in front of you in line
and steal your cab at Bendel's
while you got one arm
full of shopping bags
and the other's holding onto your son
so he doesn't run away
and drink from the puddles,
and then out of the
blue a mugger comes along
and hits you over the
head with a piece of pipe
he found at a construction site
and completely knocks you out!
See? You see, right?
- It's fun to be up here.
- Whew.
The... the laughter...
... the adoration,
the power of the microphone.
It's intoxicating. Dangerous, too.
You remember my cheating husband?
Or as you'd say, "husband"?
After his affair...
... or as you'd say, "Thursday."
He came back.
And it seemed like maybe we could
put the whole sordid
affair behind us, you know,
be French, and then one night...
You've been a great audience,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's it for me. My
name is Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you and goodnight!
It worked!
They loved it! That was
great! Wasn't I great?
My God, the arrogance.
I've created a monster.
You're Norman Mailer
in a cocktail dress.
Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
Just tell me, was it good?
Come on, you don't need
me to say it, do you?
Okay, you're up.
I'm not going on after
that. Are you kidding me?
- You afraid to follow a girl?
- Always and everywhere.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
the reason why we're here tonight,
I give you, Lenny Bruce!
Will Elizabeth Taylor
become Bar Mitzvah'ed?
No, I promise continuity,
I'll behave myself.
I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed.
That's the thing, you know,
I have a, uh, reputation
for being sort of
controversial and irreverent
and... and also the semantic
bear trap of bad taste.
And actually I do have
and... and always will
be accused of bad taste
by the people who eat in restaurants
to reserve service,
you know, that kind of scene.
Yeah. But you might be interested
in how I became offensive.
Like, it started in school,
uh, with, um... drinking,
and, uh, I was...
Really, I was, like, this
real depressed kid, you know.
And, uh, seven or eight years old,
and I'd get really juiced
and out of my head, and...
Yeah, yeah, so the teacher would
really get bummed, you know,
with me singing and carrying on
and calling Columbus a fink,
and... and boosting Aaron Burr,
and then smoking.
See, I don't know if you can see this,
but I have this tattoo.
Can you see that?
- Aah! Did you see?
- Yeah. You were amazing.
I was amazing.
What's the matter?
Nothing. Just a funny story.
While you were up there, Joel came in.
- What?
- Yeah. He was here and he saw...
How much did he hear?
- I don't know.
- How much?
Well... all of it.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Did he, did he seem upset?
A little. He said some things.
- You talked to him?
- For a second.
What... what did he say?
That he was upset.
- What did you say?
- I said you were a great comic,
and you were gonna be a star.
And I might have called him Sal Mineo.
Which I would like to point out
that many people would
take as a compliment.
Shit. Shit, shit...
Miriam, where are you going?
I didn't know you were gonna be there.
And what would you have
done if you did know?
I'm sorry.
For what?
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
I should probably get off the stage now.
Uh...
Thank you for listening.
My name is Mrs. Maisel.
That's my stage name.
I... I gave it to myself when I thought
I was actually gonna be Mrs. Maisel,
and then after it just
seemed darkly ironic, so...
I kept it.
So...
bye.
Here's the card of a psychiatrist
who just moved to New York from Boston.
He's done wonders for
my friend Sylvia Plath.
Call him.
Thanks.
♪ Autumn in New York ♪
♪ Why does it seem so inviting? ♪
I just can't understand
what goes on in that head of yours!
It's like a panoply of meshuggeneh!
- He's our son.
- He's not in the business.
- He doesn't understand.
- He's smart. Explain it.
No, I don't want to explain it.
He chose to keep his life separate,
so, goddamm it, keep it separate!
Well, I didn't tell him anything.
You called him! You called
him like a crazy person.
If I hadn't gotten to you first...
Well, you did and I covered.
You covered? Like a Yiddish
Theda Bara you covered.
He thinks I ran out of
cheese. He thinks I'm insane.
- He's right!
- He could help.
Bullshit! The company is my business.
I'll take care of it.
- Fine.
- Understand?
Fine! Yes! Fine!
I can't believe you shot a clown.
His flower... whoa...
started spewing water
all over the place.
Colored scarves were
shooting out of his mouth.
People were killing themselves
to get out of that Volkswagen.
It was great.
I have to tell you, Saverina,
this food is amazing.
I never had moussaka before.
Wouldn't you know I go out of my way
to marry a Sicilian girl,
and all she cooks is Greek.
Hey, Sophia,
you find that quarter I hid yet?
No.
Oh, you don't find it
by the time I finish,
I'm taking it back.
No, no, no, no, no!
Cute kid.
- Thanks.
- So, Susie,
we've been talking, and if you want us
to do a little digging about your uncle,
we know where they, you
know, do a little digging,
if you get my drift.
Wow, that is a really sweet offer,
but no one really misses him.
Thanks, though.
Mmm... this is better than the moussaka.
Seriously, Saverina, you are a genius.
Wait till you taste her dessert.
You know what, this is the
best abduction I've ever had.
I'm serious here.
Hey, our pleasure.
God, it's so good.
Ah, shit! Almost.
I'll tell you one thing,
you don't throw like a girl.
Okay, okay, okay. Ha!
Asshole.
Every time. He hits it every time.
I roughed up a Major
League pitcher once.
Yeah, what, so you got his
abilities through osmosis?
No, but he gave me some
tips before I broke his arm.
Okay, here goes nothing.
I'm fighting the wind.
Oh, come on.
- What?
- There was a gust of wind
that came right as I started to throw.
The only wind out here is
coming out of your ass, pal.
- I win. Five bucks. Pay up.
- I don't have any money.
Guess you're just gonna have to kill me.
Speaking of killing me, it's
getting pretty late here.
Okay, come on. Let's get you home.
Oh, hey, a little business first.
You skated here tonight, Susie.
You're from the
neighborhood, we like you,
my family likes you, so we're gonna just
tell our boss we couldn't find you.
I appreciate that, Frank.
But this problem isn't going away,
and next time they could
send some other guys.
Guys who don't have a
problem roughing up a girl.
They could send Tony.
Tony beat the shit out
of Martha Raye last week.
Had a steak dinner at Keens after.
- Yeah, I get it.
- It would be good if you could
find a way to resolve this problem
before that happens, okay?
Now, come on.
Saverina made you a fuckin' doggie bag.
Joely! Joely!
- What, Ma?
- You have a call. Collect.
- Okay.
- Collect! Collect!
- I'm coming.
- Collect! Let's go!
- Geez, Ma.
- When you hear "collect,"
you get your tuchis out here.
- Hello?
- Joel?
Midge? What's the matter?
So, this is how it's
gonna be from now on?
I call, and it's, "Midge,
what's the matter?"
No. No, but... what's the matter?
You won't leave a number.
You won't talk to me.
I... I can't find you. I
don't know where you are.
I'm at my parents'.
No, I know you're at your parents'.
- Then you know where I am.
- I don't... I don't mean
I want to know where you
are, I mean I want to know
where you are; I want to talk.
I think it would be better to
have a little space right now.
- Why? Why?!
- Midge, you know why.
No. It was, it was just that night.
That night screwed everything up.
Hey, what's going on with you tonight?
Where's this coming from?
It's coming from me.
It's coming from that fucking bridge.
What bridge?
I hear sirens.
That's not New York. Where are you?
- France.
- What?!
I want to talk about our future.
- Did you say France?
- Because I really think we can work this out.
Midge...
- We have children.
- Yes.
We will have to see each other forever.
- Yes.
- Until we are dead.
- Yes.
- And then for four to six months after.
Okay, apparently you
know something I don't.
So we are never gonna be fully
out of each other's lives.
- I know that.
- So, if we can't ever leave,
then let's figure out how to stay.
- Midge, come on.
- We were on a path.
We were heading somewhere.
We were almost there.
- I know.
- It was just that night at the club.
That's it. I... if that
hadn't have happened...
- It happened.
- But... I don't understand.
I don't understand why
we can't work it out.
There has to be a way.
- There's not.
- Don't say that.
I love you, Joel.
I love you, too.
I am in love with you. So
deeply in love with you.
- You're killing me, Midge.
- We can do this.
We can figure this out.
I can figure this out.
I can figure anything out. I am amazing.
I know you are, you don't
have to tell me any of this.
So then, why? Why? Tell me why.
Because for us to be together,
you'd have to give it up.
What? Stand-up?
I can't be in a marriage
where my wife is going off
and talking about me to
a room full of strangers.
Talking about my faults,
my mistakes, my failures.
Y... you don't understand,
the whole point is
you go off and talk about your life.
No, no, no, I do understand.
I understand completely.
I know you have to talk about your life.
That's why you're good,
'cause you're honest.
It's real, it's authentic.
It's everything I wasn't up there.
I get it. I just can't live with it.
I wish I could. Maybe another man could,
but I just can't be a joke.
You are not a joke.
Do you want to quit?
No.
I don't want you to quit either.
You're too good.
So... you see where I'm going here?
Follow me down the road.
If you're not gonna stop,
I can't be there for it.
Now... why are you in France?
Long story.
I'd like to hear it sometime.
I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
And you're gonna be okay.