The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 36 - The Devil and Dobie Gillis - full transcript
Chatsworth approaches Dobie with a scheme to rig the raffle at the Osborne charity bazaar and split the $5,000 prize. Will the allure of all that filthy lucre lead the perpetually poor Dobie down the road to perdition?
- IT'S TIME TO PUT UP
OR SHUT UP, GILLIS.
ARE YOU IN OR OUT?
- WELL...
- HE'S OUT.
- LOOK.
YOU ARE IN A JAM FOR
MONEY, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, HE'S NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- SAME HERE.
AND IT'S ALL JUST SITTING
THERE ASKING TO BE TAKEN.
2,500 FOR YOU, 2,500 FOR
ME. NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- HE'S OUT.
- 2,500 APIECE, GILLIS.
- YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
- 2,500 FOR ONE JOB AND
OUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO.
- AH, SEE.
YOU'RE TALKING TO DOBIE
GILLIS, NOT SOME CROOKED BUM.
- YOU'RE SURE WE
COULD GET AWAY WITH IT?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- I'LL DO IT.
- PARTNER.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW? HE IS A CROOKED BUM.
[JAZZ THEME]
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
YOU JUST SAW DOBIE GILLIS,
CLEAN CUT, ALL-AMERICAN
YOUTH, TURN CRIMINAL.
BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME,
THERE ARE SOME THINGS
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
ABOUT HOW I CAME TO SUCH A PASS.
AND AFTER YOU'VE HEARD MY STORY,
MAYBE YOU'LL FIND
IT IN YOUR HEART
TO SAY I WAS NOT ALL TO BLAME.
AS IS OFTEN THE CASE
IN A TRAGEDY LIKE THIS,
MUCH OF THE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE INDIVIDUAL'S DOWNFALL
RESTS SQUARELY ON THE
SHOULDERS OF SOCIETY ITSELF.
- HIGH SOCIETY,
GILLIS, THE HIGHEST.
RICH PEOPLE, GILLIS,
THE RICHEST.
- OF COURSE.
- THAT IS WHAT MAKES THE
OSBORNE CHARITY BAZAAR
THE MOST GLITTERING
AFFAIR OF THE SEASON.
- I KNOW.
- THAT IS WHY I'M CALLING ON YOU
AND YOUR FRIEND DREGS HERE.
- I THINK THAT'S KREBS,
YOUR BAZAARSHIP,
UH, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- WE'RE HONORED AND
FLATTERED, MRS. OSBORNE.
- NOT SO FAST, GILLIS. GUESTS
I HAVE, YOU ARE NOT ONE.
- LIKE, TRUE. WE'RE LIKE TWO.
- EACH YEAR, I
INVITE TWO PEASANTS
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO HELP
WITH THE OSBORNE CHARITY BAZAAR.
I DO THIS SO THAT YOU MAY,
WELL, SHALL WE SAY, CONTRIBUTE.
- SHALL WE SAY WORK CHEAP?
- OH, STOP IT, YOU RAGAMUFFIN,
UNTIL I CAN FIND SOME
PROPER WORK FOR YOU.
CHATSWORTH?
CHATSWORTH, THESE
TWO YOUNG PEASANTS
HAVE CONTRIBUTED THEIR
RATHER LIMITED TALENTS.
WILL YOU FIND THEM AN EASY
TASK FOR THIS AFTERNOON?
- CER... CERTAINLY, MUMSY.
HI-HO, DOBIE DO. HELLO, KREBS.
- Both: HI, CHATSWORTH.
- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TWO
WERE INTERESTED IN CHARITY.
- OH, YEAH. GIVE ME SOME.
I'LL TAKE ANYTHING YOU GOT.
- KREBS, YOU HAVE AN
ABSOLUTELY SMASHING WIT.
AND I JUST THOUGHT OF A JOB THAT
YOU WERE POSITIVELY BORN FOR.
- I'LL TAKE IT!
- A BULL'S-EYE, MUMSY.
- WITH A TARGET LIKE
THAT, WHO COULD MISS?
THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED
A THOUSAND PIES.
- I BELIEVE THE JOB
IS YOURS, KREBS.
- OH, NO. NOT UNTIL
WE TALK MONEY.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS FOR CHARITY.
- NO, HE'S RIGHT. WHAT
DO YOU THINK IS FAIR, BOY?
- $15. AND THAT'S
MY HIGHEST OFFER.
- DON'T MOVE, BOY.
I'VE GOT A MERINGUE HERE
THAT HAS YOUR NAME RIGHT ON IT.
- DOBIE, OVER HERE.
I'VE GOT A SPECIAL JOB FOR YOU.
- GOOD, I HOPE IT'S A
LITTLE NEATER THAN THAT.
- GILLIS BABY, YOU'RE
READING MY MIND.
WHAT I'VE GOT FOR
YOU IS THE NEATEST.
- GOOD, WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A LITTLE DEAL
I'D LIKE YOU TO PULL WITH ME.
- YEAH?
- YES, I'M CRITICALLY
SHORT OF FUNDS,
AND I THINK I HAVE A
WAY THAT WE CAN PICK UP
A VERY NICE PIECE OF CHANGE.
- YOU'RE SHORT OF FUNDS?
- SHH! YES.
I'M OVERDRAWN ON MY ALLOWANCE
FOR THE NEXT 273 MONTHS.
I CAN HANDLE MY CREDITORS,
BUT IF MUMSY FINDS OUT...
- YEAH. JUST ANSWER
ME ONE QUESTION.
IS IT HONEST OR DISHONEST?
- A LITTLE OF BOTH.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- THEN FORGET IT, CHATSWORTH.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN MONEY.
- WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, GILLIS,
OR MUMSY WILL WASH OUT
YOUR MOUTH WITH GREENBACKS.
- NO, CHATSWORTH. I'M SERIOUS.
THE THINGS THAT
REALLY COUNT ARE...
WELL, A CLEAN CONSCIENCE
AND AN OPEN HEART AND LOVE
AND TRUTH AND BEAUTY AND...
- HI.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
I'M CHATSWORTH'S
COUSIN, PAMELA OSBORNE,
AND I'M SELLING KISSES.
- I'M DOBIE GILLIS,
AND I'LL BUY A DOZEN.
- YOU'RE CUTE.
- PAMELA...
ARE YOU ENGAGED OR
MARRIED OR ANYTHING?
- NO, DOBIE.
- THEN I'M YOURS.
COME WITH ME, MY LOVE.
- JUST A MINUTE, PAL.
- I CAN'T RIGHT NOW, DOBIE.
I HAVE TO HELP GET
THE BAZAAR READY.
BUT I'LL BE FREE
LATER THIS AFTERNOON.
- IT'S A DATE THEN.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
TO YOUR NORMALLY
IMPECCABLE TASTES, PAMELA,
I FEEL THERE'S SOMETHING
I MUST POINT OUT.
- I'LL MEET YOU
RIGHT HERE, DOBIE.
- GILLIS IS A GOOD
FELLOW IN HIS WAY,
BUT HE'S HARDLY FROM OUR SET.
- I'LL BE HERE.
- HE IS, IN FACT, A PEASANT.
- I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
- AND A PAUPER TO BOOT.
- IT'LL SEEM LIKE AN ETERNITY,
BUT THEN I'LL SPEND THE
REST OF TIME AT YOUR SIDE.
- YOU SEE, PAMELA?
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT.
WHEN GILLIS HERE
USES THE WORD SPEND,
HE REFERS EXCLUSIVELY TO
TIME, WHICH IS ALL HE'S GOT.
- UNTIL THEN, DOBIE, DEAR.
- UNTIL THEN.
- FOR ONE DATE WITH YOU,
HE'D HAVE TO PUT HIMSELF
IN HOCK TO SOMEBODY
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, AND...
WHAT AM I FIGHTING?
WHAT A PERFECTLY MARVELOUS IDEA.
- HEY, COME ON, DOBE, LET'S GO.
WE DON'T WANT TO MISS LUNCH.
- MISS LUNCH?
- YEAH. CATCHING THEM
PIES WITH YOUR MOUTH
IS, LIKE, HUNGRY WORK.
- JUST A MINUTE, KREBS.
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW?
- TALK? ABOUT WHAT?
- YOU KNOW, MY LITTLE DEAL.
- CHATSWORTH, I ALREADY SAID NO.
- BUT IT'S ALL CHANGED NOW.
- HOW?
- YOU'VE GOT A DATE
WITH MY COUSIN, RIGHT?
- MY PAMELA, THE
LOVELIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
- ALSO THE MOST EXPENSIVE.
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE, GILLIS?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
MONEY, YOU FELLOW,
BIG MONEY, LARGE
IMPORTANT AMOUNT...
- I KNOW, CHATSWORTH,
AND I'LL GET MY OWN FROM
MY OWN LEGITIMATE SOURCES.
- ATTABOY, GOOD BUDDY.
- LIKE, EXACTLY WHERE, OLD CHAP?
- LIKE, EXACTLY, HE'S GONNA
KNOCK OVER A FILLING STATION,
RIGHT?
- WRONG.
LIKE, EXACTLY, I'M
GOING TO MY FATHER.
- Both: YOUR FATHER?
- MR. G.?
- ALL RIGHT. I KNOW HE'S
STINGY ABOUT LITTLE THINGS,
BUT THIS IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT AFTERNOON OF MY LIFE.
MY WHOLE FUTURE'S AT STAKE.
AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
DO YOU HONESTLY
THINK HE'D REFUSE ME
LIKE SOME TIGHTWAD CHEAPSKATE?
- OF COURSE, I AIN'T
GONNA REFUSE YOU
LIKE SOME TIGHTWAD
CHEAPSKATE, SON.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
- NO, SON.
I'M GONNA REFUSE YOU
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
LIKE AN EVER-LOVING
FATHER SHOULD.
- DAD.
- DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ME
TO TURN YOU DOWN LIKE THIS?
- YEP.
- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.
NO. THERE'S NOTHING
I'D LIKE BETTER
THAN TO HAND YOU
THAT DOUGH AND SAY,
"GO ON OUT AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME,"
BUT I CAN'T.
I GOTTA SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.
WHY, SUPPOSE I WAS TO GIVE
YOU THAT 50 BUCKS JUST LIKE THAT.
- TRY ME. TRY ME.
- NO, SON.
IT'S THE FIRST HANDOUT
THAT RUINS YOU.
OH, YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT
FOR THAT FIRST STEP DOWN.
IT'S A DOOZY.
- BUT ALL I WANT...
- SO I GIVE YOU THE 50 BUCKS,
AND YOU GO OUT ON THE
TOWN, START LIVING IT UP
WITH THIS RICH YOUNG CHICK
YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS.
EASY COME, EASY GO.
THE FIRST THING YOU
KNOW, YOU'RE BACK AGAIN,
ONLY THIS TIME IT'S A HUNDRED,
THEN 2, 3, 400 BUCKS AT A CRACK.
- COME ON, DAD.
- NOW, YOU'RE LIVING
HIGH ON THE HOG, BOY.
IT'S GOTTEN UNDER YOUR
SKIN, THE BRIGHT LIGHTS,
THE EASY MONEY, THE FAST BUCK.
YOU START RUNNING AROUND
WITH THE INTERNATIONAL SET...
NEW YORK, LONDON,
PARIS, MONTE CARLO,
MINNEAPOLIS, ST.
PAUL AND DULUTH...
RUNNING UP BIG DEBTS,
PICKING UP BIG TABS.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- WHY, BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOUR POOR OLD DAD
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR REAL DOUGH,
HANGING AROUND THE TRACKS,
HAUNTING THE GAMBLING CASINOS.
WHY, YOU GET IN DEEPER
AND DEEPER, 4, 5, 600 GRAND.
FINALLY, YOU'RE DESPERATE.
YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO GET MONEY.
AND THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF
A GUY THEY ARE LOOKING FOR.
- THEY?
- THE BIG BOYS,
THE INTERNATIONAL SWINDLERS,
THE BIG CAPERS, THE BIG PAYOFFS.
- COME OFF IT, DAD.
- OH, IT AIN'T ALTOGETHER
YOUR FAULT, SON.
YOU AIN'T REALLY
BAD, YOU'RE JUST WEAK.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- YOU WANT TO TURN DOWN
THAT EVIL ILL-GOTTEN
LOOT, BUT YOU CAN'T.
YOU NEED IT. YOU'RE IN TOO DEEP.
WHY, YOU'VE SOLD YOUR
SOUL FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE GOING
PRICE FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE?
- ONCE YOU BARGAIN
WITH THE DEVIL,
YOU ARE IN TROUBLE.
OH, YOU CAN TWIST
AND YOU CAN SQUIRM,
BUT YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE HOOK.
- POOR, DOBE, LIKE, WOW IS HE.
- NO, BOY. I CAN'T DO
THAT TO NO SON OF MINE
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
THE STRENGTH OF CHARACTER
TO TURN HIM DOWN ON
THE FIRST EASY BUCK.
NO, SIR, SON, I
CAN'T DO IT TO YOU,
AND THAT'S WHY I AIN'T
GONNA GIVE YOU THE $50.
- FIGURES.
- WHAT FIGURES?
WHAT CAN'T YOU DO
TO YOUR SON, HERBERT?
- DAD CAN'T LEND
ME THE MONEY I NEED
FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT
DATE OF MY LIFE.
- OH? AND WHY NOT, HERBERT?
- DON'T MAKE HIM GO
THROUGH IT AGAIN, MRS. G.
IT'S TOO SCARY.
- ARE YOU A LITTLE
SHORT OF CASH, DEAR?
- THAT AIN'T THE POINT.
IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
HE'S GOTTA LEARN HE CAN'T
SPEND MONEY HE DIDN'T EARN.
- BUT I'M SURE HE'LL PAY
IT BACK, WON'T YOU, DOBIE?
- SURE.
- SEE, HERBERT?
HOW MUCH DO YOU
WANT, DEAR, $4.00 OR $5.00?
- 50.
- YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT,
DEAR. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THEN THE ANSWER IS NO.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SON,
AND YOU KNOW WHY.
- YOU'RE TOO CHEAP.
- RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- BYE.
- MY FATHER'S A HARD MAN.
- WHAT YOUR FATHER
IS, IS MEAN AND ROTTEN.
- I'M DOOMED. NO MONEY,
NO BAZAAR, NO PAMELA.
- IT TOOK HIM 4 MINUTES
AND 12 SECONDS
TO TURN YOU DOWN, DOBIE
DO. WHAT HELD HIM UP?
- WASN'T YOU LISTENING?
MR. G. PULLED A SWITCH.
- YOU MEAN WHEN YOU ASKED
FOR THE MONEY HE SAID YES?
- NO. HE FIGURED OUT
A NEW WAY TO SAY NO.
- VERY FUNNY.
- BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, DOBE,
IT'S THE CLEVEREST WAY
HE'S EVER SAID NO TO YOU
IN A LONG TIME.
- THEN AS I UNDERSTAND
THE SITUATION,
YOU'RE STILL HURTING
FOR THE OLD GREENIES.
- NOW, LOOK, CHATSWORTH.
I'M IN NO MOOD TO
BE GLOATED OVER.
- WHO'S GLOATING? HO HO HO.
- AND I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN ANY SHADY DEALS.
- OH, DON'T BE SO
TOUCHY, GILLIS.
LOOK, MY COUSIN
PAMELA LIKES YOU.
WHY, I MUST ADMIT IN ALL
CANDOR, I CAN'T IMAGINE.
BUT YOU'RE YOUNG,
YOU'RE SMITTEN,
AND THERE'S A
BAZAAR TO BE ENJOYED.
NOW, IS THERE ANY REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T GO AND HAVE FUN?
- YEAH. MONEY. YOU
REALLY AIN'T LISTENING.
- WHAT'S THIS, CHATSWORTH?
- MONEY, DOBE, MONEY.
LAND O' GOSHEN, AM I THE
ONLY ONE PAYING ATTENTION?
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHORT?
- I AM.
I STILL HAVE A
LITTLE CHICKEN FEED.
- SOME CHICKEN FEED.
SO WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- NO CATCH, JUST A
FRIENDLY LITTLE LOAN.
PAY ME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE IT.
- YOU HEAR THAT, DOBE? HE
NEVER WANTS TO SEE IT AGAIN.
- CHATSWORTH, I'M ONTO YOU.
YOU'VE GOT SOME
EVIL SCHEME GOING.
- ALL RIGHT. IF YOU
FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT IT,
I'LL TELL PAMELA
YOU CAN'T MAKE IT.
- HUH?
- WELL, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY MONEY,
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE BAZAAR.
AND IF YOU DON'T
GO TO THE BAZAAR,
YOU DON'T SEE PAMELA.
- Both: AND IF I
DON'T SEE PAMELA,
MY LIFE IS OVER.
THANKS, CHATSWORTH.
I'LL PAY THIS BACK THE
VERY FIRST CHANCE I GET.
- YES, I KNOW YOU
WILL, DOBIE DO.
I KNOW YOU WILL.
- SO I TOOK THE MONEY
FROM CHATSWORTH.
IT WAS AGAINST MY
BETTER JUDGMENT,
BUT LET'S FACE IT.
WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH A PAMELA OSBORNE,
WHO CAN AFFORD BETTER JUDGMENT?
I WAS ALMOST POSITIVE
CHATSWORTH HAD SOMETHING CROOKED
UP HIS SLEEVE.
BUT I WAS ABSOLUTELY
POSITIVE I COULD HANDLE IT.
THAT SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH I KNEW.
I MEAN, WHAT HE
HAD UP HIS SLEEVE,
THE UNITED NATIONS
COULDN'T HANDLE.
THE LOWDOWN RAT WAS
OUT TO EMPTY MY POCKETS
SO I'D BE SO BROKE THAT
I'D HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH HIS CROOKED SCHEME.
JUST WATCH WHAT AN
OILY OPERATOR HE IS.
- HI-HO, PAMELA.
GREETINGS, DOBIE DO.
HOW MANY RAFFLE
TICKETS DO YOU WANT?
THEY'RE RIDICULOUSLY
INEXPENSIVE.
- I'LL TAKE FIVE.
- THEY'RE $5.00 EACH.
- I'LL TAKE NONE.
- YOU'LL TAKE NONE?
- YEAH. I'LL TAKE FIVE.
- SO, IN TWO MINUTES,
HALF MY MONEY WAS GONE.
IT BECAME IMMEDIATELY
APPARENT TO MY LIGHTNING BRAIN
THAT IF I WAS GOING
TO GET THROUGH
THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON
ON THE REMAINING 25 BUCKS,
I'D HAVE TO STAY OUT
OF CHATSWORTH'S
CROOKED CLUTCHES.
RIGHT THIS WAY, MY DEAR.
- GOING SOMEWHERE, DOBIE DO?
- OH, HI, CHATSWORTH.
PAMELA AND I WERE GOING
TO TAKE A LITTLE STROLL
DOWN BY THE LAKE.
- WHAT? AND MISS THE AUCTION?
- THAT WAS THE IDEA.
- WHAT?
- YEAH. I MEAN, GOOD
IDEA, GOOD IDEA.
I LOVE AUCTIONS.
- GOOD. LET'S GO.
- WHAT AM I BID FOR THIS
EARLY AMERICAN SAMPLER,
HAND-CROCHETED BY
AN EARLY AMERICAN?
- CHATSWORTH, GET THIS STRAIGHT.
THIS DATE IS ME AND
PAMELA. JUST US TWO.
- JUST US WHAT?
- TWO.
- TWO? THE GENTLEMAN BIDS $2.00.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I HEARD HIM,
MR. AUCTIONEER, HE BIDS TWO.
- ALL RIGHT, $2.00.
DO I HEAR $3.00? THE
GENTLEMAN BIDS $2.00.
- $2.00. CHATSWORTH,
THAT MONSTROSITY
ISN'T WORTH FIVE CENTS.
- HOW MANY CENTS?
- FIVE.
- FIVE? $5.00 BID.
- HEY, HOLD IT.
- RIGHT, HE BID
FIVE. I HEARD HIM.
EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.
RIGHT, EVERYBODY?
- FIVE? $5.00 BID.
DO I HEAR SIX?
- CHATSWORTH, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
ANY MORE OF THIS.
I'VE HAD PLENTY.
- YOU'VE HAD WHAT, GILLIS BABY?
- PLENTY, PLENTY.
- $20 BID.
GOING ONCE, FOR
$20, GOING TWICE?
- BUT I...
- BUT YOU WHAT, DOBIE DO?
- SOLD FOR $20
TO THE GENTLEMAN WITH
THE PALE GREEN COMPLEXION.
- $5.00 LEFT.
FIVE LOUSY DOLLARS
BETWEEN ME AND BANKRUPTCY.
I HAD TO GET PAMELA
AWAY FROM THAT BAZAAR
BEFORE CHATSWORTH
SLICKERED ME OUT OF THAT,
AND I FIGURED OUT A
VERY CLEVER WAY TO DO IT.
- CLIMB OVER THE FENCE?
WHATEVER FOR, DOBIE DARLING?
- EXERCISE, PAMELA, MY SWEET.
WE CAN USE THE EXERCISE.
- IF IT'S EXERCISE YOU
WANT, COME WITH ME.
GILLIS HERE WANTS TO
BUY A PIE FOR THE LADY.
- A PIE FOR THE LADY.
- YEAH. LOOK, MRS. OSBORNE.
- HOW MUCH?
- ONE BUCK.
- HOW MUCH WITH WHIPPED CREAM?
- TWO BUCKS.
- HOW MUCH WITH
MARASCHINO CHERRIES?
- THREE BUCKS.
- $3.00.
HOW MUCH HAVE
YOU GOT LEFT, DOBIE?
- WELL, UH, UH, $5.00.
- GOOD. HE'LL TAKE TWO
AND OWE US A DOLLAR.
- WELL, NOTHING
PERSONAL, MAYNARD,
BUT I MIGHT AS WELL
GET MY MONEY'S WORTH.
- ANYTIME, DOBE.
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- MM, SCRUMPTIOUS.
- THERE, WASN'T THAT FUN, YOU
FREE-SPENDING RASCAL, YOU?
- YEAH, FUN.
- NEXT IS THE RAFFLE DRAWING,
AND I WANT YOU TO PAY
CLOSE ATTENTION, DOBIE DO,
VERY CLOSE ATTENTION
AS TO HOW IT'S RUN.
- CHATSWORTH, I'VE SEEN HUNDREDS
OF RAFFLE DRAWINGS IN MY LIFE.
- NONE LIKE THIS ONE, DOBIE
DO, NONE LIKE THIS ONE.
TA-TA AND CAREFUL WATCHING.
- CHATSWORTH WAS RIGHT.
I NEVER HAD SEEN A RAFFLE
DRAWING LIKE THIS ONE,
NOBODY HAD.
BECAUSE IT WAS
THIS RAFFLE DRAWING,
THIS INNOCENT LITTLE GAME
THAT STARTED ME ON THE WAY
TO MY MEETING WITH THE DEVIL.
NOW, FOLLOW CHATSWORTH'S
ADVICE, AND WATCH CAREFULLY,
AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.
- ATTENTION!
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
COME ON, RALLY ROUND. THIS
IS THE BIG RAFFLE DRAWING.
HAVE YOUR TICKET STUBS READY.
WE WILL DRAW ONE
TICKET FROM THE BASKET.
WE WILL WAIT 30 SECONDS TO
SEE IF THE WINNER IS PRESENT.
IF NOT, I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER TICKET DRAWN.
- DOBIE DEAR, WHAT
NUMBER DO WE HAVE?
- NUMBER 822 THROUGH
826. HEY, WHAT IF WE WON?
- IT WOULD BE DIVINE.
- THAT'S THE WORD, DIVINE.
- REMEMBER, THE
WINNER HAS HIS CHOICE
OF THE BEAUTIFUL SUPER
FIASCO 8, SPORTS ROADSTER,
OR $5,000,
WHICHEVER GIVES HIM
THE BETTER TAX BREAK.
- THE PRIZE HAS BEEN
DONATED BY MUMSY,
WHO IS MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.
[APPLAUSE]
- THANK YOU FOR THE PLUG.
ALL RIGHT, BOY, DRAW.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT IS IT?
WELL, WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
547. HAVE WE A WINNER?
- OH! OH!
NUMBER 547!
- OH, DEAR. AND I
FELT SO LUCKY TODAY.
- ME TOO.
- WELL, TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.
- PAMELA...
- WE'LL BUY A WHOLE
BUNCH OF TICKETS,
SO WE'RE SURE TO WIN.
- YEAH. ABOUT TOMORROW...
- DARLING,
WE'LL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
- UH-HUH.
- AND THE DAY AFTER,
WE'LL CHARTER A CRUISER
AND TAKE A MAD BUNCH
TO THE ISLAND FOR A PICNIC.
- I, UH...
- OH, AND DON'T FORGET
THE RESERVATIONS
AT THE PEABODY ROOF
FOR OUR JUNIOR LEAGUE BENEFIT.
- BENEFIT, YEAH.
- DARLING, YOU ARE SUCH FUN.
- YES, ALWAYS FUN.
- TELL ME IT'LL NEVER STOP.
- NEVER.
- TELL ME YOU'LL
ALWAYS BE THIS WILD
AND GENEROUS AND CHARMING.
- ALWAYS.
- TILL TOMORROW THEN,
YOU CRAZY, WONDERFUL BOY.
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
WONDERFUL, BUT CRAZY, I'LL BUY.
- MAYNARD, IF YOU CAN'T BE
CONSTRUCTIVE, JUST BE QUIET.
- OKAY. SO YOU TOLD HER
YOU HAD A LOT OF MONEY.
IS THAT SO BAD?
- WELL, IT'LL DO FOR NOW.
- WHAT DON'T YOU MAKE
A CLEAN CHEST OF IT?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, GO BACK TO THE BAZAAR
AND TELL HER YOU'RE BROKE.
AND THEN YOU CAN POINT OUT
ALL THE OTHER FINE
QUALITIES YOU HAVE.
- YEAH. SURE. I
CAN SAY THAT, UH...
THAT...
- YEAH. SURE.
JUST TELL HER...
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- I'M IN BIG TROUBLE, YEAH.
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
MAYNARD, HOW CAN I
GET HOLD OF SOME MONEY?
- WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK
OVER A FILLING STATION?
- MAYNARD.
- YOU GOT A BETTER PLAN?
- NO. NO. I MIGHT
AS WELL ADMIT IT.
I'VE COME TO THE
END OF THE LINE.
THE SITUATION'S HOPELESS.
- ON THE CONTRARY,
GILLIS, ON THE CONTRARY.
- CHATSWORTH.
- YOU COULD USE A LITTLE
MONEY, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.
- IN A WORD, YES.
COULD YOU MAYBE
SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR
TO ANOTHER LOAN, OLD BUDDY?
- IN A WORD, OLD
BUDDY, NO. HOWEVER...
- HOWEVER, YOU'VE
GOT A CROOKED DEAL.
- PRECISELY.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
- CHATSWORTH, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN, AND YOU WILL.
LOOK, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE,
AND IT'S STUNNINGLY SIMPLE.
HERE.
WHAT'S THE NUMBER
OF THAT RAFFLE TICKET?
- 926. WHY?
- IT'S YOUR TICKET,
AND IT'S THE WINNER.
- THE WINNER? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- BECAUSE I AM THE ONE WHO
DRAWS THE TICKETS, REMEMBER?
WELL, YOU SAW HOW IT WORKS.
MUMSY HOLDS OUT THE BASKET,
I PICK A NUMBER AND
TELL HER WHAT IT IS.
- AND NO MATTER WHAT
NUMBER YOU DRAW,
YOU SAY IT'S 926.
- RIGHT. BRILLIANT, NO?
- CROOKED, YES.
- WELL, DON'T BE SUCH
A SOBER-SIDES, GILLIS.
WE SPLIT THE $5,000 PRIZE,
AND EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
AFTER ALL, IT'S ONLY
OSBORNE MONEY.
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE IF IT GOES
TO THE ONLY LEGITIMATE
PAUPER AT THE BAZAAR?
- DON'T DO IT, DOBE. I GOT A
FEELING THERE'S A CATCH IN IT.
- A CATCH? WHAT CATCH?
IT WAS A BOOBY TRAP.
THIS WAS THE KIND OF PROBLEM
THAT COULD TURN A STRONG MAN
INTO A QUIVERING WRECK.
ON THE ONE HAND WAS THE
TEMPTER WITH AN INTELLIGENT,
REASONABLE, SENSIBLE ARGUMENT.
- THEY'LL NEVER CATCH US.
- ON THE OTHER HAND WAS THE
STERN VOICE OF CONSCIENCE.
- YOU GOTTA WATCH THAT
FIRST STEP DOWN, SON.
IT'S A DOOZY.
- WHAT AM I TALKING
ABOUT? A PROBLEM?
DAD MADE SO MUCH SENSE
THAT THE ANSWER WAS OBVIOUS.
NOTHING COULD STOP ME
FROM WALKING THE STRAIGHT
AND NARROW HONEST PATH.
NOT EVEN PAMELA'S BLUE
EYES AND GOLDEN HAIR
AND SOFT SKIN AND LOVELY FACE,
AND I JUST THOUGHT OF
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA STOP ME
FROM WALKING THE STRAIGHT,
NARROW AND HONEST PATH.
- YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, GILLIS.
- YOU'RE A CROOKED BUM, GILLIS.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- OH, NOW, CHEER UP, DOBIE
DO. IT'S NOT THE END THE WORLD.
WE'LL JUST MAKE THIS ONE
BIG STRIKE AND NEVER AGAIN.
- ONE STRIKE AND NEVER AGAIN.
- NOW, DON'T LOSE THAT TICKET.
AND HERE,
THIS IS EVERY LAST CENT I
HAVE FOR YOUR EXPENSES.
- YEAH. FOR LAWYERS AND BAIL.
- A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
TO ME ON MY WAY TO PERDITION.
ONCE I'D SOLD OUT,
ONCE I'D COMMITTED MYSELF
TO THIS DASTARDLY PLOT,
I FOUND I COULD GO
ABOUT MY BUSINESS
WITH AN ICY DETACHMENT.
I WAS ABSOLUTELY
NERVELESS, CALM, CALCULATING,
COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
- RELAX, GILLIS BABY, RELAX.
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
IT'S ALMOST RAFFLE TIME.
YOU WILL BE ALERT, WON'T YOU?
- I'M ALERT. I'M ALERT.
- YES, I KNEW YOU WOULD BE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
NOT THAT YOU'LL
NEED IT, HO HO HO.
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU AND
COUSIN CHATSWORTH
ARE THICK AS
THIEVES, AREN'T YOU?
- THIEVES? THIEVES? WHO'S...
OH, YES. YES. YES.
WE'RE PRETTY CLOSE FRIENDS, YES.
- ODD. YOU'RE SUCH
DIFFERENT TYPES.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SO
HONEST AND CLEAN LIVING.
THE TYPE WHO WOULD
NEVER, NEVER SELL HIS SOUL
FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, WELL, I'M ONLY HUMAN.
I'VE GOT MY WEAKNESSES.
- PERHAPS.
BUT GIVING UP EVERYTHING
FOR EASY MONEY
ISN'T ONE OF THEM.
BUT THEN A FINE,
DECENT BOY LIKE YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT SUCH THINGS.
- WANNA BET?
- I MEAN, IT'S
POSITIVELY TERRIFYING
HOW DESPERATE FOR
THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR
SOME PEOPLE GET,
HOW LOW THEY CAN SINK,
THE HORRIBLE AND
EVIL THINGS THEY DO.
BY THE WAY THEY ACT, YOU'D THINK
THAT THE DEVIL HIMSELF
WAS TEMPTING THEM.
THIS CRUMMY, BROKEN-DOWN DUMP
IS WHERE YOU WERE BROUGHT UP?
GADZOOKS.
- GADZOOKS, INDEED,
THE RESULT OF 35 YEARS OF
HONEST, BACKBREAKING TOIL
BY MY HONEST,
BACKBREAKING PARENTS.
MOM, DAD, COME DOWN HERE.
THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME IN YEARS,
NOT SINCE I RAN
OFF WITH THE MONEY
IN THE COOKIE JAR.
THIS WILL BE A DELIGHTFUL
SURPRISE FOR THEM.
- DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, SIR?
- IT'S ME, DOBIE, YOUR
RICH, SUCCESSFUL,
INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY SON.
- WHY, SO IT IS.
YOU DID VERY WELL
WITH THAT MONEY
THAT YOU FILCHED
FROM THE COOKIE JAR,
DIDN'T YOU, DEAR?
- OF COURSE.
THAT'S WHY I CAN AFFORD
THESE LAVISH, EXPENSIVE GIFTS.
- BUT THERE WAS ONLY
$3.27 IN THAT COOKIE JAR.
- THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
FROM THERE, I
MOVED UP TO STEALING
FROM WIDOWS AND ORPHANS.
I HAD THEM SLEEPING
IN THE STREETS.
IT WAS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD.
- THAT'S HOW YOU
MAKE YOUR MONEY, HUH?
- DOESN'T EVERYBODY?
- YOUNG LADY, DO
YOU APPROVE OF THIS?
- I REQUIRE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
IT'S NOT MY CONCERN
HOW HE GETS IT.
DOBIE, GIVE ME A
HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL.
I WANT TO POLISH MY JEWELRY.
- AND ALL THESE YEARS
I'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE
$3.27 I LEFT IN THE COOKIE JAR.
- WELL, I HAD TO GET OUT
ON MY OWN SOMETIME.
- SO THAT'S HOW IT
ALL STARTED, HUH?
- RELAX, DAD, I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
- THIS IS OUR SON.
OUT, YOU NO-GOOD CROOK, OUT.
- DOBIE, YOU HAD BETTER LEAVE.
- I'M RICH. I CAN
GIVE YOU ANYTHING.
- ANYTHING BUT YOUR SOUL.
- MOM, DAD, PLEASE
DON'T TREAT ME THIS WAY.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO
YOU. I'LL CHANGE.
- IT'S TOO LATE.
- TAKE YOUR ILL-GOT
PLUNDER AND GO.
- WAIT. IT'S NOT TOO
LATE. I SEE THE LIGHT.
[THUNDER]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[CREAKING]
- WHAT... WHO, WHO IS IT?
- THEY CALL ME BY MANY NAMES.
LET US JUST SAY...
AN OLD FRIEND.
- I'M SORRY, YOUNG MAN,
BUT THE STORE IS CLOSED.
SO, IF YOU KINDLY...
- THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MY FRIEND HERE.
- CHATSWORTH, NO. GO
AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.
- OH, COME NOW, GILLIS BABY.
SURELY, YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
WHAT DAY THIS IS?
- CHATSWORTH, PLEASE.
- IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY
OF THE BAZAAR, REMEMBER?
- NO. NO.
- IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY
OF THE DAY
WE MADE OUR LITTLE DEAL,
AND IT'S TIME FOR
YOU TO SETTLE UP...
[EVIL LAUGH]
OR DOWN.
- UH, CAN I SEE
YOU IN THE OFFICE?
- NO, GILLIS. THE TIME IS NOW.
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED,
ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.
NOW YOU PAY.
- MOM, DAD, MAKE HIM STOP.
- OH, COME ON, GILLIS. PAY.
- I MADE ONE LITTLE
MISTAKE, ONE LITTLE DEAL.
- GILLIS.
- I'LL GIVE BACK THE MONEY.
I'LL DO ANYTHING. DO
YOU HEAR? ANYTHING.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT
BEFORE YOU TOOK
YOUR FIRST STEP DOWN.
- NO. NO.
- [EVIL LAUGH]
MOM, DAD, HELP, HELP! MOM!
NO. NO. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- DOBIE.
DOBIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- AM I ALL RIGHT?
- WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'VE JUST SEEN A GHOST.
- WHO SQUEALED? WHO...
OH, NO. NO, I'M FINE.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.
RALLY ROUND AGAIN.
THIS WILL BE OUR SECOND
AND FINAL BIG RAFFLE DRAWING.
- YEAH. FINE. FINE. JUST PEACHY.
- OH, I'M SO EXCITED.
AUNT CLARISSA'S GOING TO
DRAW THE WINNING TICKET.
- ALL RIGHT, RAFFLE
FANS. THIS IS THE MOMENT.
DRAW.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
SPEAK UP. WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
926.926. HAVE WE A WINNER?
- 926. DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT IT!
- NO.
- BUT IT IS, LOOK.
926.
GO UP AND GET
THE PRIZE, DARLING.
- NO, PAMELA, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- IT'S WHAT?
- MY MIND'S MADE UP.
- DOBIE, WILL YOU GET UP THERE?
- THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS THAN MONEY,
LIKE HONESTY AND
DECENCY AND CLEAN LIVING.
- NUMBER 926, 9-2-6.
YOU HAVE ONLY FIVE SECONDS
MORE, AND I'LL DRAW ANOTHER NUMBER.
- DOBIE, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO THROW
AWAY THAT MONEY?
- I HAVE TO DO IT,
PAMELA. I HAVE TO DO IT.
- TIME'S UP. SOMEBODY GOOFED.
LET'S DRAW ANOTHER NUMBER.
WHAT NUMBER WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THE NUMBER?
OH, 445.445 IS THE WINNER.
- HEY!
- LOOK, PAMELA,
THIS IS GOING TO
BE HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- ESPECIALLY TO SOMEBODY
OUTSIDE THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
LIKE ME.
- JUST LET ME SAY I
DID IT FOR BOTH OF US.
- DOBIE.
- I MEAN, I WANT YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, BUT...
- DOBIE.
- NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY SOUL.
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT A MAN
WHO WAS AN EMPTY,
ROTTEN SHELL, WOULD YOU?
- I ALSO WOULDN'T WANT
A MAN WHO IS FLAT BROKE.
GOODBYE, DOBIE.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
FIND HELP SOMEPLACE.
LET US HOPE.
- PAMELA.
- THESE PROBLEMS
CAN BE WORKED OUT.
OOH, A REAL NUT.
- PAMELA.
- DOBIE!
DOBIE DO! OH, DOBIE DO!
OVER HERE, DOBIE! HELP!
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THIS RUFFIAN HAS HAD
MY ARM IN A HAMMER LOCK
FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES,
THAT'S WHAT.
- MAYNARD, WHY?
- I DID IT FOR YOUR
OWN GOOD, DOBE.
- FOR MY OWN GOOD?
- YEAH. I FIGURED
IF YOU WENT THROUGH
WITH THAT CROOKED RAFFLE,
IT WOULD RUIN YOUR LIFE.
SO I HELD ONTO
CHATSWORTH TILL IT WAS OVER.
- BUSYBODY.
- SO YOU MEAN
CHATSWORTH MISSED...
HE MISSED THE DRAWING?
THEN THEY ACTUALLY
DREW NUMBER 926.
- MAYNARD, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
- ME, DOBE? HOW COME?
- I'M ASHAMED OF THE
ROTTEN, LOWDOWN TRICK
CHATSWORTH AND I
WERE PLANNING TO PULL.
- DON'T FEEL BAD, DOBE.
- BUT I DO.
- YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF
YOU'RE ROTTEN AND LOWDOWN.
- YOU SAVED CHATSWORTH
AND ME FROM A MISTAKE
THAT COULD HAVE
RUINED OUR LIVES,
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'LL EVER REPAY YOU.
- YOU DON'T? I DO, GOOD BUDDY.
- YOU DO?
- SURE.
OR SHUT UP, GILLIS.
ARE YOU IN OR OUT?
- WELL...
- HE'S OUT.
- LOOK.
YOU ARE IN A JAM FOR
MONEY, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, HE'S NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- SAME HERE.
AND IT'S ALL JUST SITTING
THERE ASKING TO BE TAKEN.
2,500 FOR YOU, 2,500 FOR
ME. NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- HE'S OUT.
- 2,500 APIECE, GILLIS.
- YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
- 2,500 FOR ONE JOB AND
OUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO.
- AH, SEE.
YOU'RE TALKING TO DOBIE
GILLIS, NOT SOME CROOKED BUM.
- YOU'RE SURE WE
COULD GET AWAY WITH IT?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- I'LL DO IT.
- PARTNER.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW? HE IS A CROOKED BUM.
[JAZZ THEME]
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
YOU JUST SAW DOBIE GILLIS,
CLEAN CUT, ALL-AMERICAN
YOUTH, TURN CRIMINAL.
BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME,
THERE ARE SOME THINGS
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
ABOUT HOW I CAME TO SUCH A PASS.
AND AFTER YOU'VE HEARD MY STORY,
MAYBE YOU'LL FIND
IT IN YOUR HEART
TO SAY I WAS NOT ALL TO BLAME.
AS IS OFTEN THE CASE
IN A TRAGEDY LIKE THIS,
MUCH OF THE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE INDIVIDUAL'S DOWNFALL
RESTS SQUARELY ON THE
SHOULDERS OF SOCIETY ITSELF.
- HIGH SOCIETY,
GILLIS, THE HIGHEST.
RICH PEOPLE, GILLIS,
THE RICHEST.
- OF COURSE.
- THAT IS WHAT MAKES THE
OSBORNE CHARITY BAZAAR
THE MOST GLITTERING
AFFAIR OF THE SEASON.
- I KNOW.
- THAT IS WHY I'M CALLING ON YOU
AND YOUR FRIEND DREGS HERE.
- I THINK THAT'S KREBS,
YOUR BAZAARSHIP,
UH, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- WE'RE HONORED AND
FLATTERED, MRS. OSBORNE.
- NOT SO FAST, GILLIS. GUESTS
I HAVE, YOU ARE NOT ONE.
- LIKE, TRUE. WE'RE LIKE TWO.
- EACH YEAR, I
INVITE TWO PEASANTS
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO HELP
WITH THE OSBORNE CHARITY BAZAAR.
I DO THIS SO THAT YOU MAY,
WELL, SHALL WE SAY, CONTRIBUTE.
- SHALL WE SAY WORK CHEAP?
- OH, STOP IT, YOU RAGAMUFFIN,
UNTIL I CAN FIND SOME
PROPER WORK FOR YOU.
CHATSWORTH?
CHATSWORTH, THESE
TWO YOUNG PEASANTS
HAVE CONTRIBUTED THEIR
RATHER LIMITED TALENTS.
WILL YOU FIND THEM AN EASY
TASK FOR THIS AFTERNOON?
- CER... CERTAINLY, MUMSY.
HI-HO, DOBIE DO. HELLO, KREBS.
- Both: HI, CHATSWORTH.
- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TWO
WERE INTERESTED IN CHARITY.
- OH, YEAH. GIVE ME SOME.
I'LL TAKE ANYTHING YOU GOT.
- KREBS, YOU HAVE AN
ABSOLUTELY SMASHING WIT.
AND I JUST THOUGHT OF A JOB THAT
YOU WERE POSITIVELY BORN FOR.
- I'LL TAKE IT!
- A BULL'S-EYE, MUMSY.
- WITH A TARGET LIKE
THAT, WHO COULD MISS?
THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED
A THOUSAND PIES.
- I BELIEVE THE JOB
IS YOURS, KREBS.
- OH, NO. NOT UNTIL
WE TALK MONEY.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS FOR CHARITY.
- NO, HE'S RIGHT. WHAT
DO YOU THINK IS FAIR, BOY?
- $15. AND THAT'S
MY HIGHEST OFFER.
- DON'T MOVE, BOY.
I'VE GOT A MERINGUE HERE
THAT HAS YOUR NAME RIGHT ON IT.
- DOBIE, OVER HERE.
I'VE GOT A SPECIAL JOB FOR YOU.
- GOOD, I HOPE IT'S A
LITTLE NEATER THAN THAT.
- GILLIS BABY, YOU'RE
READING MY MIND.
WHAT I'VE GOT FOR
YOU IS THE NEATEST.
- GOOD, WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A LITTLE DEAL
I'D LIKE YOU TO PULL WITH ME.
- YEAH?
- YES, I'M CRITICALLY
SHORT OF FUNDS,
AND I THINK I HAVE A
WAY THAT WE CAN PICK UP
A VERY NICE PIECE OF CHANGE.
- YOU'RE SHORT OF FUNDS?
- SHH! YES.
I'M OVERDRAWN ON MY ALLOWANCE
FOR THE NEXT 273 MONTHS.
I CAN HANDLE MY CREDITORS,
BUT IF MUMSY FINDS OUT...
- YEAH. JUST ANSWER
ME ONE QUESTION.
IS IT HONEST OR DISHONEST?
- A LITTLE OF BOTH.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- THEN FORGET IT, CHATSWORTH.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN MONEY.
- WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, GILLIS,
OR MUMSY WILL WASH OUT
YOUR MOUTH WITH GREENBACKS.
- NO, CHATSWORTH. I'M SERIOUS.
THE THINGS THAT
REALLY COUNT ARE...
WELL, A CLEAN CONSCIENCE
AND AN OPEN HEART AND LOVE
AND TRUTH AND BEAUTY AND...
- HI.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
I'M CHATSWORTH'S
COUSIN, PAMELA OSBORNE,
AND I'M SELLING KISSES.
- I'M DOBIE GILLIS,
AND I'LL BUY A DOZEN.
- YOU'RE CUTE.
- PAMELA...
ARE YOU ENGAGED OR
MARRIED OR ANYTHING?
- NO, DOBIE.
- THEN I'M YOURS.
COME WITH ME, MY LOVE.
- JUST A MINUTE, PAL.
- I CAN'T RIGHT NOW, DOBIE.
I HAVE TO HELP GET
THE BAZAAR READY.
BUT I'LL BE FREE
LATER THIS AFTERNOON.
- IT'S A DATE THEN.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
TO YOUR NORMALLY
IMPECCABLE TASTES, PAMELA,
I FEEL THERE'S SOMETHING
I MUST POINT OUT.
- I'LL MEET YOU
RIGHT HERE, DOBIE.
- GILLIS IS A GOOD
FELLOW IN HIS WAY,
BUT HE'S HARDLY FROM OUR SET.
- I'LL BE HERE.
- HE IS, IN FACT, A PEASANT.
- I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
- AND A PAUPER TO BOOT.
- IT'LL SEEM LIKE AN ETERNITY,
BUT THEN I'LL SPEND THE
REST OF TIME AT YOUR SIDE.
- YOU SEE, PAMELA?
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT.
WHEN GILLIS HERE
USES THE WORD SPEND,
HE REFERS EXCLUSIVELY TO
TIME, WHICH IS ALL HE'S GOT.
- UNTIL THEN, DOBIE, DEAR.
- UNTIL THEN.
- FOR ONE DATE WITH YOU,
HE'D HAVE TO PUT HIMSELF
IN HOCK TO SOMEBODY
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, AND...
WHAT AM I FIGHTING?
WHAT A PERFECTLY MARVELOUS IDEA.
- HEY, COME ON, DOBE, LET'S GO.
WE DON'T WANT TO MISS LUNCH.
- MISS LUNCH?
- YEAH. CATCHING THEM
PIES WITH YOUR MOUTH
IS, LIKE, HUNGRY WORK.
- JUST A MINUTE, KREBS.
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW?
- TALK? ABOUT WHAT?
- YOU KNOW, MY LITTLE DEAL.
- CHATSWORTH, I ALREADY SAID NO.
- BUT IT'S ALL CHANGED NOW.
- HOW?
- YOU'VE GOT A DATE
WITH MY COUSIN, RIGHT?
- MY PAMELA, THE
LOVELIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
- ALSO THE MOST EXPENSIVE.
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE, GILLIS?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
MONEY, YOU FELLOW,
BIG MONEY, LARGE
IMPORTANT AMOUNT...
- I KNOW, CHATSWORTH,
AND I'LL GET MY OWN FROM
MY OWN LEGITIMATE SOURCES.
- ATTABOY, GOOD BUDDY.
- LIKE, EXACTLY WHERE, OLD CHAP?
- LIKE, EXACTLY, HE'S GONNA
KNOCK OVER A FILLING STATION,
RIGHT?
- WRONG.
LIKE, EXACTLY, I'M
GOING TO MY FATHER.
- Both: YOUR FATHER?
- MR. G.?
- ALL RIGHT. I KNOW HE'S
STINGY ABOUT LITTLE THINGS,
BUT THIS IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT AFTERNOON OF MY LIFE.
MY WHOLE FUTURE'S AT STAKE.
AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
DO YOU HONESTLY
THINK HE'D REFUSE ME
LIKE SOME TIGHTWAD CHEAPSKATE?
- OF COURSE, I AIN'T
GONNA REFUSE YOU
LIKE SOME TIGHTWAD
CHEAPSKATE, SON.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
- NO, SON.
I'M GONNA REFUSE YOU
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
LIKE AN EVER-LOVING
FATHER SHOULD.
- DAD.
- DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ME
TO TURN YOU DOWN LIKE THIS?
- YEP.
- MAYNARD, BUTT OUT.
NO. THERE'S NOTHING
I'D LIKE BETTER
THAN TO HAND YOU
THAT DOUGH AND SAY,
"GO ON OUT AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME,"
BUT I CAN'T.
I GOTTA SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.
WHY, SUPPOSE I WAS TO GIVE
YOU THAT 50 BUCKS JUST LIKE THAT.
- TRY ME. TRY ME.
- NO, SON.
IT'S THE FIRST HANDOUT
THAT RUINS YOU.
OH, YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT
FOR THAT FIRST STEP DOWN.
IT'S A DOOZY.
- BUT ALL I WANT...
- SO I GIVE YOU THE 50 BUCKS,
AND YOU GO OUT ON THE
TOWN, START LIVING IT UP
WITH THIS RICH YOUNG CHICK
YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS.
EASY COME, EASY GO.
THE FIRST THING YOU
KNOW, YOU'RE BACK AGAIN,
ONLY THIS TIME IT'S A HUNDRED,
THEN 2, 3, 400 BUCKS AT A CRACK.
- COME ON, DAD.
- NOW, YOU'RE LIVING
HIGH ON THE HOG, BOY.
IT'S GOTTEN UNDER YOUR
SKIN, THE BRIGHT LIGHTS,
THE EASY MONEY, THE FAST BUCK.
YOU START RUNNING AROUND
WITH THE INTERNATIONAL SET...
NEW YORK, LONDON,
PARIS, MONTE CARLO,
MINNEAPOLIS, ST.
PAUL AND DULUTH...
RUNNING UP BIG DEBTS,
PICKING UP BIG TABS.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- WHY, BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOUR POOR OLD DAD
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR REAL DOUGH,
HANGING AROUND THE TRACKS,
HAUNTING THE GAMBLING CASINOS.
WHY, YOU GET IN DEEPER
AND DEEPER, 4, 5, 600 GRAND.
FINALLY, YOU'RE DESPERATE.
YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO GET MONEY.
AND THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF
A GUY THEY ARE LOOKING FOR.
- THEY?
- THE BIG BOYS,
THE INTERNATIONAL SWINDLERS,
THE BIG CAPERS, THE BIG PAYOFFS.
- COME OFF IT, DAD.
- OH, IT AIN'T ALTOGETHER
YOUR FAULT, SON.
YOU AIN'T REALLY
BAD, YOU'RE JUST WEAK.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- YOU WANT TO TURN DOWN
THAT EVIL ILL-GOTTEN
LOOT, BUT YOU CAN'T.
YOU NEED IT. YOU'RE IN TOO DEEP.
WHY, YOU'VE SOLD YOUR
SOUL FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE GOING
PRICE FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE?
- ONCE YOU BARGAIN
WITH THE DEVIL,
YOU ARE IN TROUBLE.
OH, YOU CAN TWIST
AND YOU CAN SQUIRM,
BUT YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE HOOK.
- POOR, DOBE, LIKE, WOW IS HE.
- NO, BOY. I CAN'T DO
THAT TO NO SON OF MINE
JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
THE STRENGTH OF CHARACTER
TO TURN HIM DOWN ON
THE FIRST EASY BUCK.
NO, SIR, SON, I
CAN'T DO IT TO YOU,
AND THAT'S WHY I AIN'T
GONNA GIVE YOU THE $50.
- FIGURES.
- WHAT FIGURES?
WHAT CAN'T YOU DO
TO YOUR SON, HERBERT?
- DAD CAN'T LEND
ME THE MONEY I NEED
FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT
DATE OF MY LIFE.
- OH? AND WHY NOT, HERBERT?
- DON'T MAKE HIM GO
THROUGH IT AGAIN, MRS. G.
IT'S TOO SCARY.
- ARE YOU A LITTLE
SHORT OF CASH, DEAR?
- THAT AIN'T THE POINT.
IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
HE'S GOTTA LEARN HE CAN'T
SPEND MONEY HE DIDN'T EARN.
- BUT I'M SURE HE'LL PAY
IT BACK, WON'T YOU, DOBIE?
- SURE.
- SEE, HERBERT?
HOW MUCH DO YOU
WANT, DEAR, $4.00 OR $5.00?
- 50.
- YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT,
DEAR. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THEN THE ANSWER IS NO.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SON,
AND YOU KNOW WHY.
- YOU'RE TOO CHEAP.
- RIGHT, MAYNARD.
- BYE.
- MY FATHER'S A HARD MAN.
- WHAT YOUR FATHER
IS, IS MEAN AND ROTTEN.
- I'M DOOMED. NO MONEY,
NO BAZAAR, NO PAMELA.
- IT TOOK HIM 4 MINUTES
AND 12 SECONDS
TO TURN YOU DOWN, DOBIE
DO. WHAT HELD HIM UP?
- WASN'T YOU LISTENING?
MR. G. PULLED A SWITCH.
- YOU MEAN WHEN YOU ASKED
FOR THE MONEY HE SAID YES?
- NO. HE FIGURED OUT
A NEW WAY TO SAY NO.
- VERY FUNNY.
- BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, DOBE,
IT'S THE CLEVEREST WAY
HE'S EVER SAID NO TO YOU
IN A LONG TIME.
- THEN AS I UNDERSTAND
THE SITUATION,
YOU'RE STILL HURTING
FOR THE OLD GREENIES.
- NOW, LOOK, CHATSWORTH.
I'M IN NO MOOD TO
BE GLOATED OVER.
- WHO'S GLOATING? HO HO HO.
- AND I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN ANY SHADY DEALS.
- OH, DON'T BE SO
TOUCHY, GILLIS.
LOOK, MY COUSIN
PAMELA LIKES YOU.
WHY, I MUST ADMIT IN ALL
CANDOR, I CAN'T IMAGINE.
BUT YOU'RE YOUNG,
YOU'RE SMITTEN,
AND THERE'S A
BAZAAR TO BE ENJOYED.
NOW, IS THERE ANY REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T GO AND HAVE FUN?
- YEAH. MONEY. YOU
REALLY AIN'T LISTENING.
- WHAT'S THIS, CHATSWORTH?
- MONEY, DOBE, MONEY.
LAND O' GOSHEN, AM I THE
ONLY ONE PAYING ATTENTION?
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHORT?
- I AM.
I STILL HAVE A
LITTLE CHICKEN FEED.
- SOME CHICKEN FEED.
SO WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- NO CATCH, JUST A
FRIENDLY LITTLE LOAN.
PAY ME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE IT.
- YOU HEAR THAT, DOBE? HE
NEVER WANTS TO SEE IT AGAIN.
- CHATSWORTH, I'M ONTO YOU.
YOU'VE GOT SOME
EVIL SCHEME GOING.
- ALL RIGHT. IF YOU
FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT IT,
I'LL TELL PAMELA
YOU CAN'T MAKE IT.
- HUH?
- WELL, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY MONEY,
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE BAZAAR.
AND IF YOU DON'T
GO TO THE BAZAAR,
YOU DON'T SEE PAMELA.
- Both: AND IF I
DON'T SEE PAMELA,
MY LIFE IS OVER.
THANKS, CHATSWORTH.
I'LL PAY THIS BACK THE
VERY FIRST CHANCE I GET.
- YES, I KNOW YOU
WILL, DOBIE DO.
I KNOW YOU WILL.
- SO I TOOK THE MONEY
FROM CHATSWORTH.
IT WAS AGAINST MY
BETTER JUDGMENT,
BUT LET'S FACE IT.
WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH A PAMELA OSBORNE,
WHO CAN AFFORD BETTER JUDGMENT?
I WAS ALMOST POSITIVE
CHATSWORTH HAD SOMETHING CROOKED
UP HIS SLEEVE.
BUT I WAS ABSOLUTELY
POSITIVE I COULD HANDLE IT.
THAT SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH I KNEW.
I MEAN, WHAT HE
HAD UP HIS SLEEVE,
THE UNITED NATIONS
COULDN'T HANDLE.
THE LOWDOWN RAT WAS
OUT TO EMPTY MY POCKETS
SO I'D BE SO BROKE THAT
I'D HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH HIS CROOKED SCHEME.
JUST WATCH WHAT AN
OILY OPERATOR HE IS.
- HI-HO, PAMELA.
GREETINGS, DOBIE DO.
HOW MANY RAFFLE
TICKETS DO YOU WANT?
THEY'RE RIDICULOUSLY
INEXPENSIVE.
- I'LL TAKE FIVE.
- THEY'RE $5.00 EACH.
- I'LL TAKE NONE.
- YOU'LL TAKE NONE?
- YEAH. I'LL TAKE FIVE.
- SO, IN TWO MINUTES,
HALF MY MONEY WAS GONE.
IT BECAME IMMEDIATELY
APPARENT TO MY LIGHTNING BRAIN
THAT IF I WAS GOING
TO GET THROUGH
THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON
ON THE REMAINING 25 BUCKS,
I'D HAVE TO STAY OUT
OF CHATSWORTH'S
CROOKED CLUTCHES.
RIGHT THIS WAY, MY DEAR.
- GOING SOMEWHERE, DOBIE DO?
- OH, HI, CHATSWORTH.
PAMELA AND I WERE GOING
TO TAKE A LITTLE STROLL
DOWN BY THE LAKE.
- WHAT? AND MISS THE AUCTION?
- THAT WAS THE IDEA.
- WHAT?
- YEAH. I MEAN, GOOD
IDEA, GOOD IDEA.
I LOVE AUCTIONS.
- GOOD. LET'S GO.
- WHAT AM I BID FOR THIS
EARLY AMERICAN SAMPLER,
HAND-CROCHETED BY
AN EARLY AMERICAN?
- CHATSWORTH, GET THIS STRAIGHT.
THIS DATE IS ME AND
PAMELA. JUST US TWO.
- JUST US WHAT?
- TWO.
- TWO? THE GENTLEMAN BIDS $2.00.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I HEARD HIM,
MR. AUCTIONEER, HE BIDS TWO.
- ALL RIGHT, $2.00.
DO I HEAR $3.00? THE
GENTLEMAN BIDS $2.00.
- $2.00. CHATSWORTH,
THAT MONSTROSITY
ISN'T WORTH FIVE CENTS.
- HOW MANY CENTS?
- FIVE.
- FIVE? $5.00 BID.
- HEY, HOLD IT.
- RIGHT, HE BID
FIVE. I HEARD HIM.
EVERYBODY HEARD HIM.
RIGHT, EVERYBODY?
- FIVE? $5.00 BID.
DO I HEAR SIX?
- CHATSWORTH, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
ANY MORE OF THIS.
I'VE HAD PLENTY.
- YOU'VE HAD WHAT, GILLIS BABY?
- PLENTY, PLENTY.
- $20 BID.
GOING ONCE, FOR
$20, GOING TWICE?
- BUT I...
- BUT YOU WHAT, DOBIE DO?
- SOLD FOR $20
TO THE GENTLEMAN WITH
THE PALE GREEN COMPLEXION.
- $5.00 LEFT.
FIVE LOUSY DOLLARS
BETWEEN ME AND BANKRUPTCY.
I HAD TO GET PAMELA
AWAY FROM THAT BAZAAR
BEFORE CHATSWORTH
SLICKERED ME OUT OF THAT,
AND I FIGURED OUT A
VERY CLEVER WAY TO DO IT.
- CLIMB OVER THE FENCE?
WHATEVER FOR, DOBIE DARLING?
- EXERCISE, PAMELA, MY SWEET.
WE CAN USE THE EXERCISE.
- IF IT'S EXERCISE YOU
WANT, COME WITH ME.
GILLIS HERE WANTS TO
BUY A PIE FOR THE LADY.
- A PIE FOR THE LADY.
- YEAH. LOOK, MRS. OSBORNE.
- HOW MUCH?
- ONE BUCK.
- HOW MUCH WITH WHIPPED CREAM?
- TWO BUCKS.
- HOW MUCH WITH
MARASCHINO CHERRIES?
- THREE BUCKS.
- $3.00.
HOW MUCH HAVE
YOU GOT LEFT, DOBIE?
- WELL, UH, UH, $5.00.
- GOOD. HE'LL TAKE TWO
AND OWE US A DOLLAR.
- WELL, NOTHING
PERSONAL, MAYNARD,
BUT I MIGHT AS WELL
GET MY MONEY'S WORTH.
- ANYTIME, DOBE.
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- MM, SCRUMPTIOUS.
- THERE, WASN'T THAT FUN, YOU
FREE-SPENDING RASCAL, YOU?
- YEAH, FUN.
- NEXT IS THE RAFFLE DRAWING,
AND I WANT YOU TO PAY
CLOSE ATTENTION, DOBIE DO,
VERY CLOSE ATTENTION
AS TO HOW IT'S RUN.
- CHATSWORTH, I'VE SEEN HUNDREDS
OF RAFFLE DRAWINGS IN MY LIFE.
- NONE LIKE THIS ONE, DOBIE
DO, NONE LIKE THIS ONE.
TA-TA AND CAREFUL WATCHING.
- CHATSWORTH WAS RIGHT.
I NEVER HAD SEEN A RAFFLE
DRAWING LIKE THIS ONE,
NOBODY HAD.
BECAUSE IT WAS
THIS RAFFLE DRAWING,
THIS INNOCENT LITTLE GAME
THAT STARTED ME ON THE WAY
TO MY MEETING WITH THE DEVIL.
NOW, FOLLOW CHATSWORTH'S
ADVICE, AND WATCH CAREFULLY,
AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.
- ATTENTION!
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
COME ON, RALLY ROUND. THIS
IS THE BIG RAFFLE DRAWING.
HAVE YOUR TICKET STUBS READY.
WE WILL DRAW ONE
TICKET FROM THE BASKET.
WE WILL WAIT 30 SECONDS TO
SEE IF THE WINNER IS PRESENT.
IF NOT, I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER TICKET DRAWN.
- DOBIE DEAR, WHAT
NUMBER DO WE HAVE?
- NUMBER 822 THROUGH
826. HEY, WHAT IF WE WON?
- IT WOULD BE DIVINE.
- THAT'S THE WORD, DIVINE.
- REMEMBER, THE
WINNER HAS HIS CHOICE
OF THE BEAUTIFUL SUPER
FIASCO 8, SPORTS ROADSTER,
OR $5,000,
WHICHEVER GIVES HIM
THE BETTER TAX BREAK.
- THE PRIZE HAS BEEN
DONATED BY MUMSY,
WHO IS MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.
[APPLAUSE]
- THANK YOU FOR THE PLUG.
ALL RIGHT, BOY, DRAW.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT IS IT?
WELL, WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
547. HAVE WE A WINNER?
- OH! OH!
NUMBER 547!
- OH, DEAR. AND I
FELT SO LUCKY TODAY.
- ME TOO.
- WELL, TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.
- PAMELA...
- WE'LL BUY A WHOLE
BUNCH OF TICKETS,
SO WE'RE SURE TO WIN.
- YEAH. ABOUT TOMORROW...
- DARLING,
WE'LL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
- UH-HUH.
- AND THE DAY AFTER,
WE'LL CHARTER A CRUISER
AND TAKE A MAD BUNCH
TO THE ISLAND FOR A PICNIC.
- I, UH...
- OH, AND DON'T FORGET
THE RESERVATIONS
AT THE PEABODY ROOF
FOR OUR JUNIOR LEAGUE BENEFIT.
- BENEFIT, YEAH.
- DARLING, YOU ARE SUCH FUN.
- YES, ALWAYS FUN.
- TELL ME IT'LL NEVER STOP.
- NEVER.
- TELL ME YOU'LL
ALWAYS BE THIS WILD
AND GENEROUS AND CHARMING.
- ALWAYS.
- TILL TOMORROW THEN,
YOU CRAZY, WONDERFUL BOY.
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
WONDERFUL, BUT CRAZY, I'LL BUY.
- MAYNARD, IF YOU CAN'T BE
CONSTRUCTIVE, JUST BE QUIET.
- OKAY. SO YOU TOLD HER
YOU HAD A LOT OF MONEY.
IS THAT SO BAD?
- WELL, IT'LL DO FOR NOW.
- WHAT DON'T YOU MAKE
A CLEAN CHEST OF IT?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, GO BACK TO THE BAZAAR
AND TELL HER YOU'RE BROKE.
AND THEN YOU CAN POINT OUT
ALL THE OTHER FINE
QUALITIES YOU HAVE.
- YEAH. SURE. I
CAN SAY THAT, UH...
THAT...
- YEAH. SURE.
JUST TELL HER...
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- I'M IN BIG TROUBLE, YEAH.
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
MAYNARD, HOW CAN I
GET HOLD OF SOME MONEY?
- WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK
OVER A FILLING STATION?
- MAYNARD.
- YOU GOT A BETTER PLAN?
- NO. NO. I MIGHT
AS WELL ADMIT IT.
I'VE COME TO THE
END OF THE LINE.
THE SITUATION'S HOPELESS.
- ON THE CONTRARY,
GILLIS, ON THE CONTRARY.
- CHATSWORTH.
- YOU COULD USE A LITTLE
MONEY, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.
- IN A WORD, YES.
COULD YOU MAYBE
SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR
TO ANOTHER LOAN, OLD BUDDY?
- IN A WORD, OLD
BUDDY, NO. HOWEVER...
- HOWEVER, YOU'VE
GOT A CROOKED DEAL.
- PRECISELY.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
- CHATSWORTH, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN, AND YOU WILL.
LOOK, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE,
AND IT'S STUNNINGLY SIMPLE.
HERE.
WHAT'S THE NUMBER
OF THAT RAFFLE TICKET?
- 926. WHY?
- IT'S YOUR TICKET,
AND IT'S THE WINNER.
- THE WINNER? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- BECAUSE I AM THE ONE WHO
DRAWS THE TICKETS, REMEMBER?
WELL, YOU SAW HOW IT WORKS.
MUMSY HOLDS OUT THE BASKET,
I PICK A NUMBER AND
TELL HER WHAT IT IS.
- AND NO MATTER WHAT
NUMBER YOU DRAW,
YOU SAY IT'S 926.
- RIGHT. BRILLIANT, NO?
- CROOKED, YES.
- WELL, DON'T BE SUCH
A SOBER-SIDES, GILLIS.
WE SPLIT THE $5,000 PRIZE,
AND EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
AFTER ALL, IT'S ONLY
OSBORNE MONEY.
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE IF IT GOES
TO THE ONLY LEGITIMATE
PAUPER AT THE BAZAAR?
- DON'T DO IT, DOBE. I GOT A
FEELING THERE'S A CATCH IN IT.
- A CATCH? WHAT CATCH?
IT WAS A BOOBY TRAP.
THIS WAS THE KIND OF PROBLEM
THAT COULD TURN A STRONG MAN
INTO A QUIVERING WRECK.
ON THE ONE HAND WAS THE
TEMPTER WITH AN INTELLIGENT,
REASONABLE, SENSIBLE ARGUMENT.
- THEY'LL NEVER CATCH US.
- ON THE OTHER HAND WAS THE
STERN VOICE OF CONSCIENCE.
- YOU GOTTA WATCH THAT
FIRST STEP DOWN, SON.
IT'S A DOOZY.
- WHAT AM I TALKING
ABOUT? A PROBLEM?
DAD MADE SO MUCH SENSE
THAT THE ANSWER WAS OBVIOUS.
NOTHING COULD STOP ME
FROM WALKING THE STRAIGHT
AND NARROW HONEST PATH.
NOT EVEN PAMELA'S BLUE
EYES AND GOLDEN HAIR
AND SOFT SKIN AND LOVELY FACE,
AND I JUST THOUGHT OF
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA STOP ME
FROM WALKING THE STRAIGHT,
NARROW AND HONEST PATH.
- YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, GILLIS.
- YOU'RE A CROOKED BUM, GILLIS.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- OH, NOW, CHEER UP, DOBIE
DO. IT'S NOT THE END THE WORLD.
WE'LL JUST MAKE THIS ONE
BIG STRIKE AND NEVER AGAIN.
- ONE STRIKE AND NEVER AGAIN.
- NOW, DON'T LOSE THAT TICKET.
AND HERE,
THIS IS EVERY LAST CENT I
HAVE FOR YOUR EXPENSES.
- YEAH. FOR LAWYERS AND BAIL.
- A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
TO ME ON MY WAY TO PERDITION.
ONCE I'D SOLD OUT,
ONCE I'D COMMITTED MYSELF
TO THIS DASTARDLY PLOT,
I FOUND I COULD GO
ABOUT MY BUSINESS
WITH AN ICY DETACHMENT.
I WAS ABSOLUTELY
NERVELESS, CALM, CALCULATING,
COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
- RELAX, GILLIS BABY, RELAX.
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
IT'S ALMOST RAFFLE TIME.
YOU WILL BE ALERT, WON'T YOU?
- I'M ALERT. I'M ALERT.
- YES, I KNEW YOU WOULD BE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
NOT THAT YOU'LL
NEED IT, HO HO HO.
- DOBIE DEAR, YOU AND
COUSIN CHATSWORTH
ARE THICK AS
THIEVES, AREN'T YOU?
- THIEVES? THIEVES? WHO'S...
OH, YES. YES. YES.
WE'RE PRETTY CLOSE FRIENDS, YES.
- ODD. YOU'RE SUCH
DIFFERENT TYPES.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SO
HONEST AND CLEAN LIVING.
THE TYPE WHO WOULD
NEVER, NEVER SELL HIS SOUL
FOR A MESS OF POTTAGE.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, WELL, I'M ONLY HUMAN.
I'VE GOT MY WEAKNESSES.
- PERHAPS.
BUT GIVING UP EVERYTHING
FOR EASY MONEY
ISN'T ONE OF THEM.
BUT THEN A FINE,
DECENT BOY LIKE YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT SUCH THINGS.
- WANNA BET?
- I MEAN, IT'S
POSITIVELY TERRIFYING
HOW DESPERATE FOR
THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR
SOME PEOPLE GET,
HOW LOW THEY CAN SINK,
THE HORRIBLE AND
EVIL THINGS THEY DO.
BY THE WAY THEY ACT, YOU'D THINK
THAT THE DEVIL HIMSELF
WAS TEMPTING THEM.
THIS CRUMMY, BROKEN-DOWN DUMP
IS WHERE YOU WERE BROUGHT UP?
GADZOOKS.
- GADZOOKS, INDEED,
THE RESULT OF 35 YEARS OF
HONEST, BACKBREAKING TOIL
BY MY HONEST,
BACKBREAKING PARENTS.
MOM, DAD, COME DOWN HERE.
THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME IN YEARS,
NOT SINCE I RAN
OFF WITH THE MONEY
IN THE COOKIE JAR.
THIS WILL BE A DELIGHTFUL
SURPRISE FOR THEM.
- DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, SIR?
- IT'S ME, DOBIE, YOUR
RICH, SUCCESSFUL,
INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY SON.
- WHY, SO IT IS.
YOU DID VERY WELL
WITH THAT MONEY
THAT YOU FILCHED
FROM THE COOKIE JAR,
DIDN'T YOU, DEAR?
- OF COURSE.
THAT'S WHY I CAN AFFORD
THESE LAVISH, EXPENSIVE GIFTS.
- BUT THERE WAS ONLY
$3.27 IN THAT COOKIE JAR.
- THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
FROM THERE, I
MOVED UP TO STEALING
FROM WIDOWS AND ORPHANS.
I HAD THEM SLEEPING
IN THE STREETS.
IT WAS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD.
- THAT'S HOW YOU
MAKE YOUR MONEY, HUH?
- DOESN'T EVERYBODY?
- YOUNG LADY, DO
YOU APPROVE OF THIS?
- I REQUIRE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
IT'S NOT MY CONCERN
HOW HE GETS IT.
DOBIE, GIVE ME A
HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL.
I WANT TO POLISH MY JEWELRY.
- AND ALL THESE YEARS
I'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE
$3.27 I LEFT IN THE COOKIE JAR.
- WELL, I HAD TO GET OUT
ON MY OWN SOMETIME.
- SO THAT'S HOW IT
ALL STARTED, HUH?
- RELAX, DAD, I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
- THIS IS OUR SON.
OUT, YOU NO-GOOD CROOK, OUT.
- DOBIE, YOU HAD BETTER LEAVE.
- I'M RICH. I CAN
GIVE YOU ANYTHING.
- ANYTHING BUT YOUR SOUL.
- MOM, DAD, PLEASE
DON'T TREAT ME THIS WAY.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO
YOU. I'LL CHANGE.
- IT'S TOO LATE.
- TAKE YOUR ILL-GOT
PLUNDER AND GO.
- WAIT. IT'S NOT TOO
LATE. I SEE THE LIGHT.
[THUNDER]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[CREAKING]
- WHAT... WHO, WHO IS IT?
- THEY CALL ME BY MANY NAMES.
LET US JUST SAY...
AN OLD FRIEND.
- I'M SORRY, YOUNG MAN,
BUT THE STORE IS CLOSED.
SO, IF YOU KINDLY...
- THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MY FRIEND HERE.
- CHATSWORTH, NO. GO
AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.
- OH, COME NOW, GILLIS BABY.
SURELY, YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
WHAT DAY THIS IS?
- CHATSWORTH, PLEASE.
- IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY
OF THE BAZAAR, REMEMBER?
- NO. NO.
- IT'S THE ANNIVERSARY
OF THE DAY
WE MADE OUR LITTLE DEAL,
AND IT'S TIME FOR
YOU TO SETTLE UP...
[EVIL LAUGH]
OR DOWN.
- UH, CAN I SEE
YOU IN THE OFFICE?
- NO, GILLIS. THE TIME IS NOW.
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED,
ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.
NOW YOU PAY.
- MOM, DAD, MAKE HIM STOP.
- OH, COME ON, GILLIS. PAY.
- I MADE ONE LITTLE
MISTAKE, ONE LITTLE DEAL.
- GILLIS.
- I'LL GIVE BACK THE MONEY.
I'LL DO ANYTHING. DO
YOU HEAR? ANYTHING.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT
BEFORE YOU TOOK
YOUR FIRST STEP DOWN.
- NO. NO.
- [EVIL LAUGH]
MOM, DAD, HELP, HELP! MOM!
NO. NO. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- DOBIE.
DOBIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- AM I ALL RIGHT?
- WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'VE JUST SEEN A GHOST.
- WHO SQUEALED? WHO...
OH, NO. NO, I'M FINE.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.
RALLY ROUND AGAIN.
THIS WILL BE OUR SECOND
AND FINAL BIG RAFFLE DRAWING.
- YEAH. FINE. FINE. JUST PEACHY.
- OH, I'M SO EXCITED.
AUNT CLARISSA'S GOING TO
DRAW THE WINNING TICKET.
- ALL RIGHT, RAFFLE
FANS. THIS IS THE MOMENT.
DRAW.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
SPEAK UP. WHAT'S THE NUMBER?
926.926. HAVE WE A WINNER?
- 926. DOBIE, YOU'VE GOT IT!
- NO.
- BUT IT IS, LOOK.
926.
GO UP AND GET
THE PRIZE, DARLING.
- NO, PAMELA, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- IT'S WHAT?
- MY MIND'S MADE UP.
- DOBIE, WILL YOU GET UP THERE?
- THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS THAN MONEY,
LIKE HONESTY AND
DECENCY AND CLEAN LIVING.
- NUMBER 926, 9-2-6.
YOU HAVE ONLY FIVE SECONDS
MORE, AND I'LL DRAW ANOTHER NUMBER.
- DOBIE, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO THROW
AWAY THAT MONEY?
- I HAVE TO DO IT,
PAMELA. I HAVE TO DO IT.
- TIME'S UP. SOMEBODY GOOFED.
LET'S DRAW ANOTHER NUMBER.
WHAT NUMBER WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THE NUMBER?
OH, 445.445 IS THE WINNER.
- HEY!
- LOOK, PAMELA,
THIS IS GOING TO
BE HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- ESPECIALLY TO SOMEBODY
OUTSIDE THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
LIKE ME.
- JUST LET ME SAY I
DID IT FOR BOTH OF US.
- DOBIE.
- I MEAN, I WANT YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, BUT...
- DOBIE.
- NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY SOUL.
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT A MAN
WHO WAS AN EMPTY,
ROTTEN SHELL, WOULD YOU?
- I ALSO WOULDN'T WANT
A MAN WHO IS FLAT BROKE.
GOODBYE, DOBIE.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
FIND HELP SOMEPLACE.
LET US HOPE.
- PAMELA.
- THESE PROBLEMS
CAN BE WORKED OUT.
OOH, A REAL NUT.
- PAMELA.
- DOBIE!
DOBIE DO! OH, DOBIE DO!
OVER HERE, DOBIE! HELP!
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THIS RUFFIAN HAS HAD
MY ARM IN A HAMMER LOCK
FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES,
THAT'S WHAT.
- MAYNARD, WHY?
- I DID IT FOR YOUR
OWN GOOD, DOBE.
- FOR MY OWN GOOD?
- YEAH. I FIGURED
IF YOU WENT THROUGH
WITH THAT CROOKED RAFFLE,
IT WOULD RUIN YOUR LIFE.
SO I HELD ONTO
CHATSWORTH TILL IT WAS OVER.
- BUSYBODY.
- SO YOU MEAN
CHATSWORTH MISSED...
HE MISSED THE DRAWING?
THEN THEY ACTUALLY
DREW NUMBER 926.
- MAYNARD, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
- ME, DOBE? HOW COME?
- I'M ASHAMED OF THE
ROTTEN, LOWDOWN TRICK
CHATSWORTH AND I
WERE PLANNING TO PULL.
- DON'T FEEL BAD, DOBE.
- BUT I DO.
- YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF
YOU'RE ROTTEN AND LOWDOWN.
- YOU SAVED CHATSWORTH
AND ME FROM A MISTAKE
THAT COULD HAVE
RUINED OUR LIVES,
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'LL EVER REPAY YOU.
- YOU DON'T? I DO, GOOD BUDDY.
- YOU DO?
- SURE.