The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 35 - The Call of the Like Wild - full transcript

Following Dr. Guildenstern's biology class, Maynard seems irresistible to women, who are going animalistically wild for him. Dobie, Herbert and Winnie all have theories of the reason why, none of which pans outs when Winnie inexplicably becomes one of those women as she gets near Maynard. One always to capitalize on what he sees as a possible money making venture, Herbert believes Maynard can be the next screen heartthrob. Convincing studio executive R.J. Crumley on that fact is difficult enough, that is until leading lady Gina Lollolasagna gets near Maynard, she who wants him to star in her next picture with her. But that movie is doomed for failure unless it is in smellavision as what Herbert, Dobie and Maynard are unaware of is that Maynard's bottle of hair tonic looks exactly like Dr. Guildenstern's sole remaining bottle of rare wild musk scent collected by his now deceased ex-partner Dr. Rosencrantz, that scent which purportedly is an extremely powerful female attracting pheromone.

- HELLO, FANS OUT
THERE IN TELEVISION LAND.

THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE REPORTER
AND MINE, SEDDA PARSNIPS,

BRINGING TO YOU THE EVENTS

THAT WOMEN EVERYWHERE
HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR,

THE WORLD PREMIER
OF THAT EPIC OF EPICS,

"BLOOD, SAND AND MINESTRONE."

- OH, HERE SHE COMES,

ONE OF THE GORGEOUS
STARS OF THE MOVIE,

MISS GINA LOLLALASAGNA.

GINA, OH, GINA. IT'S
SEDDA, DARLING.

GINA. HERE I AM, DEAR.



OH, YOU'RE LOOKING
LOVELY, DARLING.

GINA, DO YOU HAVE A
WORD FOR YOUR FANS?

- OH, TAKE MY
WORD FOR IT, SEDDA,

IT'S GONNA BE A
GREAT MOON PICTURE.

AH, WAIT UNTIL YOU
SEE MY LEADING MAN.

WHAT A DOLL BABY,
THE GREATEST INVENTION

SINCE, UH, PASTA FAGIOLE
WITH THE MUSHROOM SAUCE.

MWAH! YUMMY.

- THANK YOU, MISS
GINA LOLLALASAGNA.

ISN'T SHE THE SWEETEST THING,
AND AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE?

[GIRLS SCREAMING]
- WAIT, WAIT,

HERE COMES THE OTHER
EXCITING STAR OF THE MOVIE,

THAT MAN OF THE
HOUR, OF THE CENTURY,

THE MOST ROMANTIC
LOVER TO HIT THE SCREEN



SINCE RUDOLPH VALENTINO
OR PETER LAWFORD.

OUR NEWEST, MOST DASHING SYMBOL

OF EXCITING,
MASCULINE SEX APPEAL.

- YOU RANG?

[JAZZ THEME]

- THIS IS A LOVE SYMBOL,
BETTER KNOWN AS CUPID.

AND THIS IS A LOVE SYMBOL,
BETTER KNOWN AS CANDY.

AND THIS IS ALSO A LOVE
SYMBOL, BETTER KNOWN AS,

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

MAYNARD G. KREBS.

IT KINDA SHAKES YOUR FAITH
IN AMERICAN WOMANHOOD,

DOESN'T IT? UH, NO
OFFENSE, MAYNARD.

UH, WHERE DID IT ALL START?

IN PROFESSOR GUILDENSTERN'S
BIOLOGY CLASS ONE DAY.

HOW DID IT ALL START?

WITH TWO SIMPLE BUT
SIGNIFICANT WORDS.

- LIKE GESUNDHEIT.

- NO, MR. KREBS,
I DID NOT SNEEZE.

WHAT I SAID WAS
OVIBOS MOSCHATUS.

- SOUNDS LIKE A SNEEZE
TO ME, LIKE, GESUNDHEIT.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE LIKE WELCOME, DOBE.

- MR. GILLIS, YOU
DIDN'T SNEEZE EITHER.

- JUST SAVING UP THE LIKE
GESUNDHEIT FOR A RAINY DAY, SIR.

- LIKE, GOOD THINKING, DOBE.
- LIKE, THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, YOU'RE WELCOME, DOBE.
- LIKE, GOODBYE, ALL.

- All: YAY!

- BACK, BACK, ALL OF YOU.

FOR A MOMENT THERE I
WAS TEMPTED TO RUN AWAY

AND HIDE FROM YOUR EAGER,
TROUBLEMAKING FACES,

BUT I WAS DRAWN BACK BY SOME
STRANGE, IRRESISTIBLE FORCE.

- LIKE YOUR SALARY.
- LIKE TRUE.

- [CLASS GROANS]

- I THANK YOU, MY DEAR
FANS. NOW, WERE WAS I?

- BACK THERE BY YOUR DESK,

ONE STEP BACK AND
A LITTLE BIT TO LEFT.

- MR. KREBS, DO YOU WANT

TO TAKE CHARGE OF THIS CLASS?

- OH, MY PLEASURE.
CLASS DISMISSED!

- All: YAY!

- SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

ON YOUR CHAIR.
- OH.

- AND TO THINK I COULD HAVE GONE

INTO SOME NICE,
PLEASANT PROFESSION

LIKE ROLLING DRUNKS.

BUT... AWAY WITH FANTASY.

BACK TO THE GRIM
WORLD OF BIOLOGY.

NOW, THIS IS THE
OVIBOS MOSCHATUS,

BETTER KNOWN AS THE MUSK OX.

MR. GILLIS, CAN
YOU DESCRIBE HIM?

- WELL, ROCK HUDSON, HE AIN'T.

- NO, NO. NO, DON'T LAUGH.

MR. GILLIS, WHOM
I LIKE TO REGARD

AS THE BLIND
MARKSMAN OF BIOLOGY 3,

HAS, BY THE WILDEST OF MIRACLES,

HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD.

THE CRUCIAL FACT
ABOUT THE MUSK OX

IS INDEED THAT ROCK
HUDSON HE AIN'T.

- MAN, AND MAYNARD
G. KREBS HE AIN'T.

- INCREDIBLE, BUT TRUE.

IN FACT, THE MALE
MUSK OX IS SO UGLY

THAT NOT EVEN THE FEMALE MUSK
OX CAN STAND THE SIGHT OF HIM.

- BUT HOW, PROFESSOR
GUILDENSTERN?

- AHA! BUT HOW INDEED.

HOW DOES THE MUSK
OX ATTRACT HIS MATE?

HMM, HMM, HMM?

HE ATTRACTS HER

BY THE OVERPOWERING
AROMA OF MUSK.

ONE SNIFF AND
SHE'S A GONER. HA HA!

NOW, WHAT DO WE
LEARN FROM THIS FACT?

- IF YOU'RE A LADY
MUSK OX, DON'T INHALE.

- IT TEACHES US THAT EACH
OF NATURE'S CREATURES

HAS ITS SPECIAL WAY OF
ATTRACTING THE OPPOSITE SEX.

- OOH, WHAT HE SAID.

- NOW, THIS IS MY COLLEAGUE,

THE LATE DR. ROSENKRANTZ.

HE DEVOTED HIS LIFE TO THE
DEVELOPMENT OF AN AROMA

BASED ON MUSK THAT WOULD
LURE ANIMALS FROM THE JUNGLE

FOR USE IN THE ZOOS.

HE DIED IN THE
ATTEMPT, POOR CHAP.

- OH.
- WHILST ON SAFARI IN AFRICA,

HE ACCIDENTALLY SPILT
SOME OF THE STUFF ON HIMSELF

AND WAS TRAMPLED TO DEATH BY
A LOVESICK LADY HIPPOPOTAMUS.

- ALACK AND ALAS.

- WE BURIED HIM ON
THE LONELY SLOPES

OF MOUNT KILIMANJARO
IN A MANILA ENVELOPE.

- THAT IS THE SADDEST
STORY I EVER HEARD.

- YES, POOR PROFESSOR
ROSENKRANTZ.

HE GAVE UP HIS LIFE FOR SCIENCE.

- NO, POOR LADY HIPPOPOTAMUS.

SHE NEVER GOT THE
FELLA SHE WAS AFTER.

- NOW, THIS IS THE
ONLY REMAINING SAMPLE

OF PROFESSOR
ROSENKRANTZ'S FORMULA,

CAPTURED FROM THE
LOVESICK HIPPOPOTAMUS.

IT HAS DEFIED ALL ATTEMPTS
AT CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

AND, THEREFORE,
CANNOT BE DUPLICATED.

YEESH, STILL SMELLS
LIKE BURNING RUBBER.

- POOR LADY HIPPOPOTAMUS.
- MAYNARD.

- 3,000 POUNDS OF
UGLY LONELINESS.

- MR. KREBS.

- 3,000 POUNDS OF
LONELY UGLINESS?

- MR. KREBS.
[CLASS BELL RINGS]

AH, SEVERAL THOUSAND
SECONDS OF PEACE AND QUIET.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- HEY, DOBE, LET'S
GO HAVE LUNCH.

THE ONLY THING I'VE
EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST

IS SEVEN OR EIGHT
IN-BETWEEN-MEAL SNICKS.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S SNACKS,

(AND WE'RE NOT HAVING
LUNCH TOGETHER BECAUSE A)

IT'S ONLY 10:00 IN THE MORNING,

(AND B) I HAVE A
PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,

(AND C) WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

- WELL, I THINK THEY
CALL IT HAIR TONIC.

- HAIR TONIC? FOR YOU, MAYNARD?

- NO, FOR MY HAIR.

- TO THINK, MAYNARD,
YOU MET A GIRL

AND YOU GOTTA START
COMBING YOUR HAIR.

- I AM?
- YOU ARE.

- I AIN'T.
- YOU AIN'T?

- LIKE, WOW, THAT LOVE AFFAIR

DIDN'T LAST TOO LONG. THAT'S ME,

LOVE 'EM AND LEAVE
'EM, A REAL CASABLANCA.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
CASANOVA, AND NEVER MIND.

- I'M USING THIS GOO ON
ACCOUNT OF DEAN MAGRUDER.

HE SAID IF I DON'T QUIT
HAVING MY HAIR IN MY EYES

AND BUMPING INTO PEOPLE
AND FALLING DOWN STAIRS,

HE'S GONNA KICK
ME OUT OF SCHOOL.

IT'S GREASY KID STUFF.
- MADE OUT OF GREASY KIDS.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW?
- I PEEKED.

- HOW DO I LOOK NOW?
PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

- AH, BEAUTIFUL.
- IT'S MISERABLE.

- IT'S MISERABLE AND GOODBYE.

- DON'T AGREE SO
FAST AND GOODBYE.

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- HMM, BURNING SNEAKERS,
SOLES AND LACES, YUMMY.

- TRIPLE HOT FUDGE SUNDAE
WITH PECANS AND CHOPPED HAM,

HOW YUMMY.

- YEAH, ENJOY IT,
MY LOVELY AMAZON.

THEY'RE, UH, SMALL.
- OH, I REALLY SHOULDN'T.

THE TRACK COACH SAYS
MY FORM IS OFF A LITTLE.

- WHAT YOUR TRACK COACH
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT FORM

WOULD FILL VOLUMES.

A MARASCHINO, MY FAIR AMELIA?

JUST THE THING TO
GIVE A SUNDAE CLASS.

- DOBIE, DO YOU SMELL
SOMETHING STRANGE?

YEAH, LIKE SOMEBODY SET
FIRE TO AN OLD INNER TUBE.

- NO, NO. IT'S THE
CALL OF THE WILD.

GLORYOSKY, IT MAKES ME
FEEL TINGLY ALL OVER. RRRUFF!

- YES, I OFTEN HAVE
THAT EFFECT ON GIRLS.

IT'S A DANGEROUS POWER,

BUT SOME OF US
MUST LIVE WITH IT.

- IT'S COMING CLOSER.

IT'S SO WILD, SAVAGE
AND PRIMITIVE.

- YOU GROWLED?

- OH, MAYNARD, DID YOU EVER
HEAR THE SAYING THREE'S A CROWD?

- NO, HOW DOES IT
GO? HUM ME A FEW BARS

AND I'LL FAKE IT.
- LOOK, MAYNARD...

- BUT IT SOUNDS
LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

HEY, CHICK, WHY DON'T
YOU, LIKE, FLAKE OFF?

- NO, NO, DON'T SEND ME AWAY.

NO, PLEASE. ANYTHING BUT THAT.

MY CAVEMAN, MY
GREAT JUNGLE BEAST.

- HEY, DOBE, YOU WENT
AND FINALLY DONE IT.

YOU FOUND THE KOOKIEST
TOMATO IN THE BASKET.

- OH, MASTERFUL, SO DOMINANT.
- SO, LIKE, HELP!

- AMELIA, LET GO OF MAYNARD.

IT'S NOT NICE TO
PUT HIM ON LIKE THAT.

- I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO,
YOU MAGNIFICENT CREATURE.

- AMELIA, STOP MAKING
FUN OF MAYNARD.

HE CAN'T HELP IT IF HE
HAS NO APPEAL TO WOMEN.

- I'M MAD FOR YOU, MAYNARD.

MAD, MAD, DO YOU HEAR?
- I HEAR.

- KISS ME.
- I DON'T HEAR.

- YOU MUST KISS ME.
YOU MUST. YOU MUST.

- WILL YOU GIVE ME A NICKEL?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR,

A HUNDRED DOLLARS, ANYTHING.

- OKAY, OKAY, NO CHISELING.

A NICKEL, THAT'S
MY BOTTOM OFFER.

- YES, YES, ANYTHING.

- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- ANY MORE QUESTIONS,
BUBBLEHEAD?

WELL, TIGER, THERE'S
A FULL MOON TONIGHT,

AND WE ARE GONNA HOWL.

- HEY, DOBE, WILL
YOU CALL MY MOTHER

AND TELL HER I'LL
BE LATE FOR DINNER?

- OH, HI, DAD. YOU SAW?
- I SAW.

- YOU BELIEVE?
- I BEL... NO.

WHO CAN BELIEVE
A THING LIKE THAT?

WHAT WE JUST SAW
WAS AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.

- GOOD. I'M GLAD IT
DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN

BECAUSE I JUST HATE
MARASCHINO CHERRIES.

SO THERE I STOOD,
CHARMING, DEBONAIR,

AND SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES,

WHILE MAYNARD GALLOPED
OFF, OR VICE VERSA,

WITH THAT FINE,
STURDY HUNK OF GIRL.

I WAS IN WHAT MIGHT
BE CALLED A TOTAL FUNK.

I MEAN, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW THAT MAYNARD WAS LOADED

WITH SOME NUTTY
AROMA THAT SENT GIRLS

STRAIGHT TO APEVILLE?

WHY? I KEPT ASKING MYSELF.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

THEN I GOT A
SENSIBLE, INTELLIGENT,

WELL-REASONED ANSWER.

- THAT GIRL IS OUT OF
HER COTTON-PICKIN' HEAD.

SHE IS A NUT.

- DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT'S IT, DAD?

- IT'S GOTTA BE.

LOOK, SON, THERE
ARE MILLIONS OF GIRLS

RUNNING AROUND IN THIS
WORLD, AT A ROUGH ESTIMATE,

AND BY A MERE LONG CHANCE,

ONE COMES ALONG WHO IS AS
DRIPPY AS THAT DRIP MAYNARD.

GET IT?
- GOT IT.

- GOOD. ONE GIRL OUT
OF ALL THOSE MILLIONS.

WHY, ANOTHER ONE
LIKE HER WON'T SHOW UP

IN A THOUSAND YEARS.

- [GIRLS SCREAMING]
- LIKE HELP! LIKE HELP!

- I SAW HIM FIRST. HE'S MINE.

- HEY, DOBE, WILL YOU PLEASE
CALL MY MOTHER AGAIN?

BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA
BE LATE FOR BREAKFAST TOO.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK, DAD?

IS THAT GIRL OUT OF
HER COTTON-PICKIN' HEAD?

- NO, SHE AIN'T.
- THEN WHAT'S THE ANSWER?

- WE ARE OUT OF OUR
COTTON-PICKIN' HEADS.

WHERE IN THE SAM HILL IS THAT
PROFESSOR GUILDENSTERN?

HE BETTER HURRY UP AND GET
HERE AND EXAMINE MY HEAD QUICK

BEFORE I GRAB A FAST FREIGHT
FOR THE FRENZY FACTORY.

- AND I'LL BE IN THE
CABOOSE BEHIND YOU.

- NOW, STOP ACTING
SILLY, BOTH OF YOU.

THERE'S A PERFECTLY LOGICAL
EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENED.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, WINNIE,

THE WAY THOSE GIRLS
WENT CHARGING AFTER HIM.

IT WAS LIKE THE BATTLE
OF PORK CHOP HILL.

- AND MAYNARD WAS A PORK CHOP.
I TELL YOU, MOM, IT WAS SPOOKY.

- NOW SIMMER DOWN.

THE REASON THAT THE GIRLS
WERE MOBBING MAYNARD

IS AS CLEAR AS THE
BEARD ON HIS CHIN.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A
SORORITY INITIATION.

- A SORORITY INITIATION?

- YEAH, SURE, DAD, THAT'S IT.

THEY HAD TO KISS AND HUG MAYNARD

SO THEY COULD
GET INTO A SORORITY.

- OH, COME ON. NOBODY'D WANT

TO GET INTO A SORORITY THAT BAD.

- THEY DO EVEN
TOUGHER THINGS, DAD.

- TOUGHER THAN KISSING MAYNARD?
- MM-HMM.

- WELL, THEN WE
WEREN'T SEEING THINGS.

THE OLD BULB HASN'T
GONE DIM AFTER ALL, HUH?

- OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE BOTH AS HEALTHY

AND NORMAL AS ANYBODY IN TOWN.

- HEY, YOU HEAR THAT,
SON? WE'RE HEALTHY.

- YEAH, WE'RE NORMAL.

- LIKE HELP! LIKE
ASSISTANCE! LIKE HELP!

- DREAM BOY, LOVER
MAN, FLEE WITH ME,

ANYWHERE, EVERYWHERE, FOREVER.

- BUT YOU WERE STANDING
AT THE ALTAR ALREADY

ALL SET TO MARRY THE
NICE-LOOKING FELLA.

- NEVER HEARD OF THE BUM.

IT'S YOU I WANT, YOU ADORABLE,
CUDDLY LITTLE CHIPMUNK YOU.

- BUT YOU'RE GONNA
MISS THE WEDDING

AND ALL THOSE HUNDREDS
OF FOLKS ARE WAITING.

- LET THEM WAIT FOR
GOOD. I'M AFTER YOU, BABY.

- LIKE HELP! LIKE
ASSISTANCE! LIKE HELP!

- MISS, MAY I ASK
YOU A QUESTION?

- LOOK AT HIM, ISN'T HE SUPERB?

- ARE YOU TRYING TO
GET INTO A SORORITY?

- OH, WHO'S GOT TIME
FOR SUCH FOOLISHNESS,

WHEN THERE'S STUFF LIKE
HIM RUNNING AROUND LOOSE?

LOVER, COME BACK.

I'LL NEVER LET HIM
GO. NEVER. NEVER.

- THERE, THERE, DEAR,
YOU'LL GET OVER HIM.

- NEVER, NEVER.

- OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MRS. G,

DOBE G, AND MR. G.

- THEY CAME AND GOT HER.

- YEAH. THAT'S ALL
RIGHT, MAYNARD.

WE DID IT OUT OF COMMON DECENCY.

- RIGHT. WE'D DO IT FOR
ANYBODY WHO WAS BEING CHASED

BY A NUTTY DAME LIKE THAT.

- NOT ME.

I DID IT BECAUSE I WANT
TO MOTHER HIM MYSELF.

- OH, NO.
- MAYNARD,

YOU ARE THE CUTEST,
CUDDLIEST LITTLE FELLA

THAT I EVER MET
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

KITCHY KITCHY COO.
- WINNIE.

- KITCHY KITCHY COO.
- MOM?

- KITCHY KITCHY COO.
- ANYBODY.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THE BUILDING DOESN'T
HAVE TO FALL ON ME.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT
WHAT WAS GOING ON.

MAYNARD HAD DEVELOPED
A MYSTERIOUS ATTRACTION

THAT MADE WOMEN GO AS DING-DONG
AS MIDNIGHT IN A CLOCK SHOP.

IT WAS A BEWILDERING,
TERRIFYING, SHOCKING POWER,

AND BOY, I WISH I HAD IT.

BUT AT THAT MOMENT, OUR
PROBLEM WAS MAYNARD.

WE SAID TO OURSELVES,
HOW CAN WE PROTECT HIM?

HOW CAN WE GUIDE HIM?

HOW CAN WE HELP HIM?

- HOW CAN WE MAKE
A BUCK OFF HIM?

- DAD, AT A TIME LIKE THIS,

HOW CAN YOU THINK
OF SUCH THINGS?

- FOR A MONEY GRUBBER
LIKE HIM, IT'S EASY.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

NOW, LET'S FIGURE
THIS THING OUT LOGICAL.

ANY TYPE OF DAME, YOUNG,
OLD, OR EVEN WINNIE'S AGE,

NO OFFENSE, DEAR,

THAT GETS CLOSE TO MAYNARD HERE,

SHE THROWS THE
SWINGINGEST CONNIPTION

SINCE FRANCIS X.
BUSHMAN WAS... AND I GOT IT.

THAT'S IT.

KID, SHAKE HANDS
WITH YOUR AGENT.

- AGENT? WHAT DOES A FELLA

WHO COLLECTS PETRIFIED
FROGS AND TIN FOIL

NEED WITH AN AGENT?

- WHAT PETRIFIED
FROGS AND TIN FOIL?

I'M TAKING THIS
KID TO HOLLYWOOD.

I'M GOING TO MAKE
HIM THE BIGGEST THING

TO HIT THE MOVIE THEATER
SINCE BUTTERED POPCORN.

MAYNARD, BABY, A STAR IS BORN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

- OH, BOY, BUTTERED POPCORN.

- NO, MAYNARD. YOUR
NAME UP IN LIGHTS.

- WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- IN FRONT OF EVERY THEATER

IN THE COUNTRY.

THE WORDS NO WOMAN CAN RESIST.

- FREE DISHES.
- NO.

- BINGO TONIGHT.
- NO, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- HEY, THAT'S ME.

- WE CAN DO IT
IN NO TIME AT ALL.

OH, I CAN SEE IT NOW.

YOUR NAME UP IN LIGHTS.

- DAD, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE
A BIG MOVIE STAR

OUT OF A DUD LIKE MAYNARD?
NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.

- MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS?
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

- LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

WITH MY TALENT FOR
PROMOTION, AND MAYNARD'S FACE...

NO, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

WITH MY TALENT FOR PROMOTION
AND MAYNARD'S PERSONALITY...

NO, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT
OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY MIND.

- LET ME PUT IT
THIS WAY, YOU WERE.

- WITH MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS.
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

- OH, HELLO EVERYBODY, I WAS...

MAYNARD, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

KITCHY KITCHY COO.

OH, I JUST CAN'T
RESIST THE IMPULSE.

I'VE GOT TO MOTHER HIM.

- NOW, DEAR, DEAR, DEAR.

- I GOT AWAY FROM
THAT ALTAR AGAIN.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF
HIM, SISTER. I SAW HIM FIRST.

YOU'RE ADORABLE.

- MAYNARD AS A
HOLLYWOOD LOVE SYMBOL?

YES.

- WITH MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS.
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

- SO THAT'S HOW COME WE DECIDED
TO TAKE MAYNARD TO HOLLYWOOD

AND MAKE A BIG SMASH
MOVIE STAR OUT OF HIM.

WELL, IT'S POSSIBLE.
LOOK AT TRIGGER.

NOW, THIS IS
GLAMOROUS HOLLYWOOD.

THIS IS THE GLAMOROUS STUDIO
WHERE WE TOOK MAYNARD.

- ARE YOU SURE OF
MAKING A STAR THIS WAY?

- NEVER MIND. WE'LL GET IN
THERE TO SEE CRUMLEY SOME WAY.

AFTER ALL, HE'S THE HEAD MAN.

- HEY, WHY DON'T
YOU PUT A HAT ON

AND SNEAK IN THE OFFICE
DISGUISED AS A HUMAN BEING?

- NEVER MIND.
- OR DO LIKE YOU DID

LAST CHRISTMAS...
- HEY, MAYNARD, FORGET IT.

- I DID.

- NO, LOOK, WE WON'T
DO ANYTHING CARNEY.

AFTER ALL, I AM A RESPECTED

INDEPENDENT RETAIL MERCHANT,

HIGHLY RESPECTED
IN MY COMMUNITY,

AND I INTEND TO WALK IN
THERE IN A STATELY, DIGNIFIED,

RESPECTABLE MANNER.

- YEAH, I GOTTA FIND A
NEW RUDOLPH VALENTINO

FOR THIS NEXT GINA
LOLLALASAGNA PICTURE.

I TELL YOU, JT, IF I DON'T
DIG ONE UP RIGHT AWAY,

IT'LL COST ME EIGHT
MILLION BUCKS.

A WHOLE LIFETIME OF
WORK DOWN THE DRAIN.

I'LL BE BACK IN THE CHICKEN
PLUCKING BUSINESS, RUINED.

OTHERWISE,
EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE,

THANKS FOR ASKING.

YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE CLUB, JT.

- I BEG YOUR
PARDON, SIR, BUT BY...

- WHO IN THE BLAZES ARE YOU?
AND WHATEVER THE ANSWER IS,

OUT, YOU BUM.

- HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THAT THE BUM YOU
ARE SHOVING AROUND

IS HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- SO?

- AND SO THE BUM WHO
HAPPENS TO BE HERBERT T. GILLIS,

ALSO HAPPENS TO
REPRESENT THE LOVE SYMBOL

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, THE
NEW RUDOLPH VALENTINO.

- YOU GOT A CLIENT WITH OOMPH?
- OOMPH?

MR. CRUMLEY, WOMEN
TAKE ONE LOOK AT HIM

AND YOU'D THINK IT WAS
FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO.

- ALL RIGHT, GILLIS.
I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT HIM.

YOU GOT EXACTLY THREE
MINUTES, AND HE BETTER BE GREAT.

- TRUST ME, CRUMMY,
OLD MAN, TRUST ME.

- THE LAST MAN THAT
CALLED ME CRUMMY

GOT FIRED ON THE SPOT,
AND HE WAS A RELATIVE.

NOW BRING IN THIS NEW VALENTINO.

- YES, SIR. ON THE DOUBLE, SIR.

COME ON IN, DOLL FACE.

YOU BETTER SIT DOWN FOR THIS,

YOU'RE NOT AS YOUNG
AS YOU USED TO BE,

AND HIS SHEER ANIMAL
MAGNETISM IS GONNA KNOCK YOU

RIGHT OFF YOUR FEET.

SO HOLD ONTO SOMETHING,
'CAUSE HERE HE IS, IN PERSON,

MR. DYNAMITE.

- HEY, YOU GOT A
CORNER I CAN SLEEP IN?

I'M BUSHED.

- THIS IS THE NEW VALENTINO?

- EH, HEH HEH, HOW
DOES HE LOOK TO YOU?

- THE OLD ONE LOOKED BETTER,

AND HE'S BEEN
DEAD OVER 30 YEARS.

OUT, YOU PHONY, OUT.

AND TAKE THIS SIDE
SHOW WITH YOU.

OUT.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

HE ISN'T THE HANDSOMEST MAN
IN THE WORLD, THAT I'LL ADMIT.

- SO WILL I.
- SO WILL I.

- AND WHEN IT COMES TO
MUSCLES, HE ISN'T EXACTLY TARZAN.

- WHEN IT COMES TO MUSCLES,
HE ISN'T EVEN JANE. OUT.

- THAT'S THE SCREWY PART OF IT.

YOU SEE, TO MEN HE LOOKS
LIKE A MERE SLICE OF NOTHING,

BUT TO WOMAN HE'S
THE GREATEST THING

SINCE CHARGE ACCOUNTS.

- YES, THEY FIND
ME QUITE ADORABLE.

- WHO LEFT THE
KOOKY CORRAL OPEN?

THIS IS THE NUTTIEST STORY I...

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- YES?

MISS LOLLALASAGNA'S HERE?

ASK HER TO WAIT JUST
A MINUTE WHILE I GET RID

OF BRAINLESS, INCORPORATED
AND HIS PARTNER.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE. WHY NOT

SEND THIS LOLLAPALOOZA
DAME IN HERE

AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN SHE SEES HIM?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.

- WELL, WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT TO LOSE,

8 MILLION BUCKS?
- NO.

- LIFETIME OF WORK
DOWN THE DRAIN?

- BACK TO THE CHICKEN
PLUCKING BUSINESS?

- SEND HER IN.

ALL RIGHT, GILLIS.
I'LL TAKE A CHANCE,

BUT I'M WARNING YOU...
- NO, DON'T WARN ME. WARN HER.

SHE'S LIABLE TO COME CHARGING
IN HERE LIKE A RAGING BEAST.

YOU BETTER GET READY TO GRAB
HER IN CASE SHE GETS VIOLENT.

I UNDERSTAND THESE ITALIAN
GIRLS ARE KIND OF IMPULSIVE.

SHE IS ITALIAN, ISN'T SHE?

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
HER AGENT'S ITALIAN.

- DO YOU HAPPEN TO
HAVE A CROWBAR HANDY?

- A CROWBAR?
- YEAH. SOMETIMES

IT TAKES LEVERAGE
TO PRY THEM LOOSE.

GET READY. SHE MAY
SPRING LIKE A TIGER.

- COME IN.
- WATCH IT NOW.

SHE'S GONNA POUNCE.

- WHO'S GONNA WHAT?

I GIVE UP. WHAT-A YOU ARE?

- GILLIS.
- I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS WORKING GREAT
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

COME ON, MAYNARD,
TURN ON THE OLD PIZZAZZ.

GIVE HER ONE OF THOSE
LONG, HOT SMOLDERING LOOKS.

DO SOMETHING.
- LIKE RIGHT.

ONE LONG, HOT,
SMOLDERING LOOK COMING UP.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, KID?

YOU EAT-A SOMETHING
THAT MAKE YOU SICK?

- THAT DOES IT. OUT.

- JUST A MINUTE
HERE. JUST A MINUTE.

THERE'S SOMETHING
FISHY GOING ON.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE A WOMAN?
AND I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.

- YOU'RE NOT VERY POLITE,
YOUR PRODUCERSHIP. I MEAN,

YOU SHOVED US AROUND
AND YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR,

AND US ROMANTIC BEAU
BUMBLES HATE BEING SLOBS.

- I AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE
WITH YOU TWO CREEPS.

NOW THAT RUBBER BOOT
FACTORY NEXT DOOR

HAS TO START BURNING
LAST YEAR'S LEFTOVERS.

WHAT A STENCH.

OUT! OUT! OUT!

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
CONTROL YOURSELF.

SLOW DOWN!
- [SNIFFS]

- IN, IN, IN!

- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- OOH, OOH!

- KISS ME, MY
BEAUTIFUL ANTIPASTO.

- WILL YOU GIVE ME A NICKEL?
- A NICKEL?

I GIVE YOU MY OSCAR, MY EMMY.
- MIAMI?

OH, I'D RATHER HAVE CLEVELAND.
THAT'S A TOWN IN INDIANA.

- ANY QUESTIONS?
- GINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU GONE OFF
YOUR ROCKET? GINA.

GINA!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHY ARE YOU
KISSING THIS SILLY KID?

- WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING, SILLY KID?

THIS LITTLE RAVIOLI IS GONNA
BE MY NEW LEADING MAN.

- ATTA GIRL, LOLLI.

- HOLD IT.

- THE ONLY THING I HOLD IS HIM.

IF YOU DON'T GET HIM
FOR LOLLALASAGNA,

YOU DON'T GET LOLLALASAGNA.

- READY TO TALK
BUSINESS, CRUMMY OLD PAL?

- CRUMMY? WHY, YOU
CHEAP, CHISELING...

YEAH, I'M READY.

- OH, THAT'S WHAT I
LIKE TO HEAR, PARTNER.

- PARTNER?

- YOU HEARD THE MAN, WALDO.

- LET'S MAKE THAT
JUNIOR PARTNER.

- NOW, LISTEN...

- YOU HEARD-A THE MAN, WALDO.

- YEAH, I HEARD-A
THE MAN, WALDO.

WHAT WAS SO BAD ABOUT THE
CHICKEN PLUCKING BUSINESS?

- SO MAYNARD WAS ON HIS WAY TO
BECOMING A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR,

BUT FIRST HE HAD
TO LEARN HOW TO ACT,

SO THEY ENROLLED
HIM IN ACTING SCHOOL.

IN NO TIME AT ALL,

HE LEARNED TO PORTRAY
ALL THE IMPORTANT EMOTIONS

LIKE ANGER, AND HATE,
AND LOVE, AND FRIGHT.

- MAN, I WAS REALLY FRIGHTENED.

- AND THEN, OF COURSE,

THERE WERE IMPORTANT
INTERVIEWS WITH THE PRESS,

AND DINNERS AND
LUNCHEONS AND PARTIES.

NOW, DO YOU THINK
THAT THROUGH ALL THIS

MAYNARD WOULD EVER CHANGE
FROM THE SWEET SIMPLE FELLOW

WE ALL KNEW AND LOVED?

- YOU BET YOUR SUEDE
SHOES I WOULD, CHICKIE BABY.

- MR. KREBS, THIS IS MISS...

- OH, I'M ALWAYS, LIKE,
HONORED TO MEET

ONE OF MY LOYAL
FANS, CRUMMY, BABY.

IF YOU WANT TO KISS ME,
IT'S GONNA COST YOU A NICKEL.

- MR. KREBS, THAT'S NO
WAY TO TALK TO THIS LADY.

THIS IS MISS SEDDA PARSNIPS,
THE WORLD RENOWNED

MOVIE COLUMNIST. SHE IS...

- MIND YOUR OWN
BUSINESS, CRUMLEY.

WHO'S RUNNING THIS INTERVIEW?

HERE'S YOUR NICKEL,
MR. KREBS, AND LOTS OF EXTRAS.

OHH!
- HOLD IT.

- [SCREAMING]

- LIKE STOP.
- IT'S AMAZING.

WAIT TILL I TELL MY
READERS ABOUT THIS.

MAYNARD G. KREBS CAN STOP
A PACK OF STAMPEDING GIRLS

WITH A WORD, A LOOK,
SUCH ANIMAL POWER.

OH, HE IS INDEED A
MAN FOR THE AGES.

- YES, I AM QUITE ADORABLE.

- MAYNARD'S MOVIE
WAS FINALLY FINISHED,

AND HIS PUBLICITY GOT
BIGGER AND WILDER.

THE PREMIERE WAS SOLD
OUT FOR WEEKS IN ADVANCE

THANKS TO SEDDA PARSNIPS,
AND 372 OTHER LADY COLUMNISTS

WHO FLIPPED REGULARLY
OVER HIM ONCE A DAY IN PRINT.

NOW, FOR THOSE OF
YOU WHO TUNED IN LATE,

THAT'S HOW WE
STARTED THIS STORY.

WE WERE AT THE PREMIERE, SEE,

AND MISS SEDDA PARSNIPS WAS
WAITING FOR MAYNARD TO ARRIVE,

THEN MAYNARD GOT THERE

AND SET ALL THOSE
FEMALE HEARTS AFLUTTER.

SO THAT'S WHERE WE WERE UP TO

WITH THE HELP OF
THE POLICE RIOT SQUAD

AND A SPECIAL DETACHMENT
FROM THE NATIONAL GUARD.

WE FINALLY GOT MAYNARD
AWAY FROM HIS FANS,

AND THEY ALL WENT
INTO THE THEATER

TO SEE THE MOVIE.

WE STAYED OUTSIDE TO
WAIT FOR THEIR REACTION.

OF COURSE, THERE WAS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
CAME TO THE WOMEN.

WITH MAYNARD IN
THE STARRING PART,

THEY WOULD HAVE
GONE WIG OVER A MOVIE

ABOUT THE CARE AND FEEDING
OF THE WATER BUFFALO.

YES, WE COULDN'T MISS.

- WE MISSED.

- YOU MEAN, I AIN'T A SMASH?

- WHAT YOU ARE IS A BOMB.

- YEAH. I DID HEAR SOME BOOING.

- YEAH, BUT I HEARD A LOT
OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING.

- THEY'RE APPLAUDING
THE BOOING. WE'RE RUINED.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHEN THEY SEE HIM IN
THE FLESH, HE KILLS THEM.

- YEAH, BUT WHEN THEY SEE
HIM ON THE SCREEN HE'S A DUD.

- YEAH, HE DOES SEEM TO LOSE
SOMETHING IN THE TRANSLATION.

- IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU
GOTTA SMELL HIM TO LOVE HIM.

- BOO! BOO! BOO!

- THEY'RE GONNA
WALK OUT OF THERE

LIKE SOMEBODY HOLLERED
WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

- NO, THEY WON'T.
MAYNARD WILL STOP THEM.

- LIKE HOW?
- LIKE WITH FORCE,

RAW ANIMAL MAGNETISM.

DOMINATE THEM LIKE YOU
DID BACK IN THE OFFICE.

- THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'LL
DO ANYTHING I TELL THEM.

IT'S LIKE A MAGICAL POWER.

I'LL GO IN THERE AND ORDER
THEM TO LOVE THE MOVIE.

- RIGHT. SO DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, MOVE.

- RIGHT. BUT FIRST I
GOTTA COMB MY HAIR.

I MEAN, SLOBSVILLE IS BEHIND ME.

- NO, WE GOT NO TIME
FOR THAT FOOLISHNESS.

COME ON AND GET IN THERE.

- MY HAIR TONIC, IT'S...
- NEVER MIND THAT.

I'LL BUY YOU A BARREL OF IT.

- YES, SIR, YOUR PARTNERSHIP.

LIKE STOP.

I, YOUR HONORED LOVE
SYMBOL, COMMAND YOU.

- NO-TALENT BUM, HAS-BEEN.

- NEVER WAS, STALE PIZZA.

- HEY, LIKE, HELP, MR. G,

EVERY BONE IS BROKEN
IN MY BODY, OR BENT.

- LATER, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, MUCH LATER.

WE GOT A LOT OF
THINKING TO DO. SON...

WHERE DID WE MAKE OUR MISTAKE?
- BEATS ME.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE MADE
THE PICTURE IN SMELLOVISION.

- MAYNARD, EITHER SAY
SOMETHING SENSIBLE

OR KEEP YOUR SILLY
NOTIONS TO YOURSELF.

SMELLOVISION.

- THE WACKIEST THING I
EVER HEARD, SMELLOVISION.

- YEAH.
- SHEESH.

- COME ON.

- OHH! [MUTTERING]

- YOU MEAN THE
WOMEN POUNCED ON HIM,

CHASED HIM AROUND,
TRIED TO KISS HIM?

- YEAH, WE COULDN'T GET
RID OF THEM. IT WAS AWFUL.

- OH, NOT SO AWFUL. I
COLLECTED OVER 200 NICKELS.

- YOU KNOW, THAT'S
EXACTLY THE WAY

PROFESSOR ROSENKRANTZ'S MUSK
OX AROMA WOULD HAVE WORKED.

OH, NO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

- NO, REMEMBER WHAT YOU
ALWAYS TOLD US, PROFESSOR.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

- YEAH, LOOK AT ME.

- YEAH.

WELL, COME ON, MAYNARD.

GOODBYE, PROFESSOR.

- HMM, SMELL OF BURNING RUBBER

SEEMS TO HAVE DISAPPEARED.

WELL, OF COURSE, YOU
NEVER CAN TRUST A MUSK OX,

SUCH UNSTABLE CREATURES.

UM, THERE, THERE.
GIRLS? GIRLS? GIRLS?

DON'T YOU NOTICE ANYTHING?

GIRLS? GIRLS? GIRLS?

GIRLS, INHALE, HUH?

INHALE.