The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum Affair - full transcript

You've still got plenty of time.

The ship isn't due to sail
for two hours yet.

What do you mean I have plenty of time?
What about you?

There may be some new developments here,
you go on ahead.

If you need me, just whistle.

[ILLYA SIGHS]

You sail immediately.

- Impossible. The first mate won't be back--
- Immediately.

You'll see to it that the captain
follows those orders.

You will steer this course
until 1000 hours, Wednesday.

At that time, you will open
this envelope for further instructions.



This voyage had better go according
to plan and precisely on schedule.

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, Miss Janus.
Timing is vital.

I've always been against hiring
a degraded drunk.

So if he fouls this up...

PASSENGER:
I understand.

MORTON:
Miss Janus.

You and your people
have chartered this ship.

But I am its captain, master of its soul.

Skipper next to God,
that's what they call a ship's captain.

Yet you marched in here...

...to see a mortal touched with divinity
without knocking.

That's worse than had manners,
it verges on blasphemy.

Bon voyage, captain.
or it will be your last.

Captain, captain, control yourself.



I'm in perfect control.

It was an empty bottle.

[ILLYA SIGHING]

Did you find it?

Uh, not yet.

[RAT SQUEAKING]

What was that?

Rats.

Oh, I should've known.

If you were here, you'd know.

[GRUNTS]

[BANGING ON LOCK]

[ILLYA WHISTLES]

I beg your pardon?

ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
You said to whistle ill wanted you.

Well, I want you.

[MORTON LAUGHING]

Sealed orders. Heh, melodrama.

You people are always steeped
in melodrama.

Of course, I suppose we all
must be steeped in something.

[FORKLIFT APPROACHING]

Take her out.

[STEAM HISSING]

[STEAM WHISTLE BLOWING]

SOLO:
I'm sorry, IIIya.

What can I say?

Well, you could say goodbye.

[STEAM WHISTLE BLOWING]

WAVERLY:
Oh, put that film on the monitor, please.

Oh, thank you.

SOLO:
Tsk. Let me. Thank you.

WAVERLY:
Is this the woman, Mr. Solo?

Yes, sir.

Jenny Janus.

Janus?

Isn't that the name of the Roman god
that could look both ways at once?

Occasionally, Thrush comes up...

...with a classically appropriate
nom de guene for a leading operative.

How about this fellow?

No, that man wasn't at the quayside.

Not surprising.

He's not due in Hong Kong
for another two days.

- Professor Powers, isn't it?
- Yes.

The man who created the tidal-wave device
and turned it over to Thrush...

...after which we received the ultimatum.

Ten billion dollars in various currencies...

...or every coastal city in the world
will disappear beneath a wall of water.

So the ship must be taking
the machine...

...to a place that is ideally situated
for the launching of global tidal waves.

Precisely.

Professor Powers bears...

...a faint resemblance to you,
don't you think?

Am I to understand
that, uh, Professor Powers...

...is going to arrive in Hong Kong
two days early?

Very good, Mr. Solo.

And you'll go straight
to the Fiery Dragon Cabaret Bar.

Jenny Janus is an entertainer there.

As Professor Powers...

...I think you ought to be able
to persuade her...

...to tell you where that ship's going.

Can't we just ask IIIya on Channel D?

Attempts to communicate with Mr. Kuryakin
on board ship have been fruitless.

Either that vessel's under
a jamming umbrella or...

Or IIIya may have been discovered and...

Yes, Mr. Solo.

He may have been discovered and, uh...

ILLYA:
Open Channel D.

Hello, hello.

Well, by some electronic fluke,
you may hear me. So hear this.

I'm gonna try and find some explosives
on board and complete the mission.

The risk to me is considerable.

I therefore hereby officially apply
for an H1 classification...

...Hero, Class 1, when my file is closed.

If you can hear me,
please note that the stage here...

...is set for noble tragedy.

On the other hand,
if I'm talking to myself...

...the situation is merely one
of lunatic farce.

There's going to be
rough weather ahead.

We've got to check that cargo
and see that it's fully secured.

It needs an overhaul...

...by which I mean it should be hauled out
and thrown over the side.

I cannot be responsible.

What do you want me to do?
I can't get a farthing to repair this old tub.

FIRST THRUSHMAN:
Hey, what do we have here?

PASSENGER:
Who are you?

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

[MEN GRUNTING]

MORTON:
What's going on here?

Him.

- We found him here.
- A Stowaway is my concern.

He doesn't look like
any Stowaway to me.

That he doesn't.

Get back to your engine,
you haggis-bashing grease monkey.

Let's understand
something crystal clear:

You and your mysterious associates
have chartered this ship...

...but I am the captain.

And from the time of the Vikings
down to this age of the atomic submarine...

...the captain is law, life.
death, personified.

- He's in the hold.
- I don't care if he's in aspic.

I will not tolerate you
and any of your very petty officers...

...interfering in the running of my ship.

- This Stowaway--
- He's in the hold.

He's part of the cargo
and the cargo is my responsibility.

What is that ridiculous-looking cargo
of yours anyway?

A contraband Humpty Dumpty?

PASSENGER:
That is not your concern.

Then further conversation between us
appears to be superfluous.

MORTON:
Come along, you fellow.

We've been going around in circles
and I pride myself on my navigation.

We'll start again.

- Who are you?
- IIIya Kuryakin.

Unavoidably at your service.

Oh, ha, so you have a name.

We're making progress.
Why are you a Stowaway, Kuryakin?

Mr. Kuryakin.

Answer me, Kuryakin.
Why'd you Stowaway?

Well, on land, I was all at sea.

I,uh...

I thought I would regularize the situation.

Where are you heading for?

Nowhere in particular.
I'm just getting away.

From what?

Well, you forgive me, but I'm afraid
that's none of your business.

[MORTON LAUGHS]

Insolent.
Insolent now, as well as evasive.

I want a straight, respectful answer.

- Why did you choose this ship?
- It reminded me 01a poem.

Dirty British coaster
With a salt-caked smukestack

Batting through the Channel
in the mad March days with a cargo--

So you know Masefield.

Of Tvne coal, mad-rails, pig lead.
Firewood

I trust, Kuryakin, that your love for poetry
will help sustain you...

...while you face the prosaic fact that
a Stowaway has to pay for his passage...

...and pay heavily.

- Report to the boatswain.
- Aye, aye, sir.

Don't be insolent.

[DOOR CLOSES]

The cargo is unharmed.

What did you find out?

He knows Masefield.

And who is Masefield?

A coherent conversation with you
is quite out of the question.

[INHALES]

To John Masefield...

...poet laureate of England.

[SINGING
"(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP"]

I'd like to talk to Miss Janus.

Uh, so does every other man
in the Far East, sir.

Maybe she'll make
an exception in my case.

On second thought,
I'm sure she will see you.

If you'd like to wait,
it's the second door to the right, sir.

- Miss Janus?
- Professor Powers.

Here, this will make you feel better.

I hope so.

Tsk, tell me, is it customary in Thrush...

...for you to drop your business associates
through trapdoors?

- Business associates?
- Uh-huh.

How do I know for sure
you're Professor Powers?

Yes, the search for identity,
it is the problem of our age, isn't it?

Oh, you did arrive on time,
but then that's not enough proof.

Oh, that's no proof at all.

I arrived two days early.

Hmm. Well, you pass that test.
But why did you arrive so early?

Rumor has it that you're more desirable
than any female has a right to be.

And since I'm a scientist,
rumor isn't enough.

Visual evidence is necessary.

And I would like you to know
that you've passed that test already.

Hmm. Welcome, professor.

Mm, I really am very sorry
about your reception...

...but then we can't take any chances.

None at all?

You're much younger than I expected.

I was a child prodigy.

[SOLO SIGHS]

- Professor.
- When do we take off?

- To rendezvous with the ship?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, don't worry.
we have some time to kill.

We", leave us not waste it.

Time and tidal wave wait for no man.

Or woman.

[STEAM WHISTLE BLOWING]

- It's awfully hot, isn't it, captain?
- What do you expect in the tropics?

The Stowaway.
what did you do with him?

Put him to work. He's to let me know
as soon as he sees an iceberg.

[LAUGHING]

MORTON:
Talk, you arrogant scum.

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

I know the loathsome self-pitying history
of every social outcast aboard.

Who are you
to keep your secret from me?

Who are you? What are you? Kuryakin!

Mr. Kuryakin, Mr. Kuryakin...

Oh, he's delirious. Cool him off.

[MOANING]

Oh, dear.
It's made a mess of the deck.

Swab it, my stubborn Stowaway.

Swab it till it's as dry as your wit.

Then, by way of contrast,
report to the engine room.

[ENGINES DRONING]

ILLYA: I was told to report to you.
- I expected as much.

Hank.

[ILLYA SIGHS]

- This is ML...
- Kuryakin.

Kuryakin, a Stowaway.

But a man to be treated with respect,
like all creatures.

Hank here will show you the ropes.

ILLYA:
Glad to know you.

Ugh.

Man, I don't envy you.

- Why? Isn't this a happy ship?
- Happv?

[CHUCKLES]

Food's lousy, pay is worse.

We got a skipper that will make
Captain Bligh look like a bleeding heart.

Crew's been talking mutiny
ever since I been aboard.

Only trouble is, we're a bunch
of followers without a leader.

- Won't he do?
- Scotty?

Won't he fill the bill?

Oh, he could lead us all right
if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to.

All he cares about is his engine.
He's in love with that engine.

Scotty's not like the rest of us.

He could walk off
this floating sweatshop any time...

...greet the fuzz hello,
solid citizen, nothing to fear.

Ain't none of the rest of us can do that.

But he stays.

Maybe he's too old to get another ship.

Scotty just can't leave.
In love with an engine.

Don't understand him.

Who's asking you to understand anything
but the need to keep yon gear greased?

Don't blow your stack, daddy.
Leave that to your engine.

You two mind your work.
I'll mind the engine.

- There she goes again.
- Hank.

Huh?

Are there any explosives on board?

Sure. Captain Morton.

- Hank.
- Yeah, yeah.

You're more full of questions
than the back room of a station house.

- Where are we headed?
- Sealed orders.

That's the way this tub travels,
10 times out of 10.

Sealed orders in Captain Morton's safe.

- Hank.
- What now?

Do you have a rag?

[SO FT MUSIC PLAYING]

[JENNY MOANS]

Oh, that was nice.

Son of makes me hate to go.

- Go?
- Well, I have to work for a living, you know.

A place called the Fiery Dragon.
Remember?

Oh, yes. The-- With the trapdoor,
I'll go along with you.

Oh, I'm sorry, deal.
but business before pleasure, hmm?

You read some magazines.

[WIND HOWLING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

What are you doing here, Kuryakin?

This is officers' country.
Why aren't you below?

Well, it was such a lovely night,
so I thought I'd take a walk.

I'll get a respectful answer
from you yet. Get in.

Had a good day, Kuryakin?

Mr. Kuryakin.

When it comes to terms of address...

...Mr. Kuryakin, you don't know
to whom you're talking.

You dare to bear contempt for me.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

“Captain Rupert Oliver Morton,
Royal Navy...

...hereby accused by general court-martial
of misappropriating the men's rum ration.

How plead you?“

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not--

[GASPING]

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Me, a Morton, court-martialed.

Why, the very seabed heaved in protest...

...the salt-cleansed bones
of generations of Monons.

Royal Navy men
from the founding of the fleet...

...those bones stirred in helpless,
disbelieving anger.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[GASPING]

Lieutenant.

I know you now. I knew something.

You look like him,
the young lieutenant...

...the one office! who spoke up for me
at my court-martial.

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

Gentlemen...

...the charge leveled against me
is patently absurd.

Well-documented, substantiated
by a conspiracy of perjuring forgers...

...but transparently ludicrous.

The real charge has not,
indeed cannot be substantiated...

...because
as my loyal witness has testified...

...the unspoken indictment
has been brought against me...

...by a cabal of mutinous traitors.

Traitors to the concept of discipline.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]

Do you hear me,
Monons resting in the deep?

Do you hear and understand?

The old boozer's having his soul.

Yeah. You better go tell the boss.

Yeah, If I'm not back in an hour,
throw out a net.

When I came back
after they had considered their verdict...

...the point of the sword was toward me.

That means guilty.

And I was out of the Royal Navy.

If only they had plunged that sword...

...deep into...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I think you better get some sleep,
captain.

Come and lie down.

[MORTON SIGHS]

Thank you, lieutenant.

[GASPING]
You stood by me, lieutenant.

I shall never forget...

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You are accused by these people...

...of attempting to rob my safe
last night.

How plead you?

Well, how did you plead, captain?

How dare you!

[SCOTTY SCREAMING]

[STEAM HISSING]

Help, help!

It's happened, as I warned you.

Yon engine's had it!
It's gonna blow, blow us all to glory.

Get him up. Take care of that arm.

[YELLS]

MORTON:
Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going?

He's a key man, captain.

All right.

Very heroic, I'm sure,
but it doesn't alter the fact...

...that your Stowaway
is a common safecracker.

Sir, Mr. Kuryakin is at hazard
attempting to save this ship...

...which includes your valuable cargo
and your far-from-priceless skin.

One more word of criticism from you
and you will sent down there...

...to join him, sir.

Well done. Well done, sir. Well done.

Mr. Kuryakin, I thank you, sir.
We all thank you.

Right.

As to that other trifling matter,
it was a mistake, was it not?

You and I know that grave accusations
are frequently mistakes.

So it was a mistake.

Now, if you will be so kind as to remove
these accoutrements and accompany me.

I still don't know your history,
Mr. Kuryakin.

Possibly, I never will.
But that's of no consequence.

My instinctive judgment
has been vindicated.

You are, without doubt,
several cuts above the average.

You're too kind.

Kind?

[ILLYA SIGHS]

I have never been accused
of that before.

Humph.

You have spirit, sir.
a quality long since meted out...

...from amongst the lost
and frightened souls that make up my crew.

You have thus earned far more
than the right to cringe in shelter.

Mr. Kuryakin.

You are to be my first mate.

- Oh, captain, I'm not the man, I have--
- It is settled.

Aye, aye, sir.

Mm, don't you anticipate
and relish the exercise...

...of naked power over the entire world?

What would I do with power?

Flood one city, you've flooded them all.

Mm.

But wouldn't you be
just a little disappointed...

...it we can't give a city or two
your tidal-wave treatment?

Uh-uh.

I mean, if the world
just tamely submits and pays off?

Not really. I'm a simple man.

We've still got some time left
before we go.

- Mm-hm.
- Let's not waste it now. No questions.

Don't you even wanna know
where we're going, hmm?

[SOLO MOANS]

Well, I gave your people a list
of geophysically suitable locations.

- I'm sure they've selected one.
- Mm-hm.

That's right.

Which island?

[JENNY GIGGLES]

- I can't tell you.
- Oh.

No, not for anything in this world
or on this divan, Mr. Solo.

[DOOR OPENS]

SOLO:
Professor Powers, I presume.

Should I say that I knew that you knew,
and you knew that I knew that you knew...

...or would that sound like somebody
playing a nose flute?

Hmm, the next most significant music
you're going to hear, Mr. Solo...

...is from a harp.

It's almost 10:00.
Time to open the sealed orders.

When next you seek admission, knock.

I demand to be present
when you open these orders.

- Demand?
- And he should not be present.

Captain, your illusions about this man
are almost pathological.

- Mr. Kuryakin.
- Yes, sir.

Be kind enough
to throw this fellow out...

...against the skull-crackingest bulkhead
you can find.

That won't be necessary.

You'll regret this.

[MORTON GROWLS]

They, whoever they are, charter my ship,
then they think they own me. Blast them.

Never a voyage without one
of their whey-faced Iackeys aboard...

...and so-called extra officers.

But I don't knuckle down to them,
Mr. Kuryakin, and neither should you.

Nevertheless, it, uh, is time for you
to open your sealed orders.

Ah. Yeah.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[SAFE DOOR OPENING]

“Steer due east.

When you reach 14 degrees north
and 113 degrees east...

...anchor off the first island in your path.
Deliver cargo ashore in Iongboat.

Use utmost caution.“

Simple enough.

Some of the routes they've given me...

...are like going
through Hampton Court Maze.

Tell the helmsman.

Oh-ho-ho, no, sir.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, what's that?
A pawnbroker's credit card?

No, sir. It's a law enforcement agency.
U.N.C.L.E.

- Law enforcement?
- Yes, sir. You see...

I see, Mr. Kuryakin. Indeed, I see.

Did you or did not attempt
to rob that safe?

- Oh, yes, I did. But let me tell you why.
- A spy.

That unsuckled pig 01a passenger is right.
You're a spy.

Yes, but let me tell you
about your cargo.

- I treat you as a son.
- Captain Morton.

I offered you my inheritance,
my very command.

[SHOUTING]
Fraud! Ingrate! Traitor!

- Traitor!
- Captain, you're being used by Thrush.

- Smoke?
- No, thanks.

Anything I can bring you?

You're taking a big enough chance
just coming to see me.

You took a chance for us,
plugging the steam leaks.

You're a big man, Mr. Kuryakin.

Do you think I'm big enough
to lead you?

- Do you mean it?
- Try me.

MORTON: You'll do as I say.
SCOTTY: You'll not order me about.

- I'm not one of your sea slaves, captain.
- You don't understand.

That Iad's in irons, I ken that fine.
And I want him released, you ken that.

- MacPherson, don't push me too far.
- And I say the same thing to you.

What will you do, sabotage the engine
until you get your own way?

You know I cannot do that, ever.

No.

You're a fortunate man.

You have something to believe in,
to love, despite its imperfections.

Be secure in that belief, don't meddle
in matters beyond your comprehension.

Mutiny. That's the plan.

I'm not gonna heat about the bush
or ask for a vote.

You've been pushed around long enough
and hard enough to know what it's all about.

There's only one way to stop the pushing
and that's mutiny.

[MEN CHEERING]

MAN:
Yeah. Yeah. Mutiny, yeah.

ILLYA:
Mutiny according to the plan.

You do your part
and I'll take care of Morton.

- He's not to be harmed.
- We're with you, captain.

Cool it, Hank. I'm not your captain.
I never could be.

Only two things I want out of this:

Access to the hold,
and this ship headed back for Hong Kong.

You've got it. Rights boys?

[AGREEING INDISTINCTLY]

We'll need weapons.

Captain don't allow no guns on board,
didn't you know that?

Got one for you too. Right, Happy?

[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]

ILLYA:
Man your stations.

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN 1: Come on. Come on.
Let's go. Come on, boys.

MAN 2:
Come on, let's go. Come on.

Uh, the boiler needs tending.

Baby will have to wait
for its feed, Scotty.

Mutiny. I can smell mutiny
and it's a noisome stench always.

Scotty.

No good will come out of it. Believe me.
No good ever comes of violence.

- I've seen this kind of thing and it's--
- Necessary.

Violence is never necessary
and always evil.

Aw, come on. What the use?

Scotty's an old cheek-turner
from way back.

- Just stay out the way, pops.
- No, wait.

Scotty's entitled to an explanation,
and so are you.

This ship is carrying
a special kind of machine.

And a lot of innocent people are gonna get
more than their feet wet it it's used.

And these people mean to use it.

If it's the machine you want, go for that.
Smash it to bits. I'll go with you.

You wouldn't get closer to it than
a temperance worker to Captain Morton.

Two of those men
are guarding it in the hold.

We have to take the ship, Scotty.

That will force them out into the open
and leave the machine unguarded.

There's no other way.

You've done well.
Here's a little something for your trouble.

Now, one more thing.
I want you to go down to the hold...

...tell my two men to meet me
up at the wheelhouse, immediately.

- Do you understand?
- Sure.

Get behind the stack.

Seen as Kuryakin takes care
of the old man, we rush the bridge.

I'm taking over, captain.
You're under arrest.

What"?

I beg your pardon?

- You are arresting me?
- Oh, it's traditional in a mutiny.

Mutiny? Are you out of your mind?
Mutiny?

My dear daring Mr. Kuryakin,
don't you know that you can hang?

Could be.

Whatever the case,
I'm going to have to luck you in here.

MORTON:
Mr. Kurya--

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR LOCKING]

Rescue!

Go.

[MEN SHOUTING]

[GUNSHOTS]

It's those two jokers from below.
They must have been tipped off.

All right. You keep them busy,
I'm gonna make a run for that machine.

[GUNSHOTS]

[GRUNTING AND CHUCKLING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[MEN GRUNTING]

[SHOUTING]
Plane down!

Plane down off the port bow!

Blast them. They can't hear me
with their mutiny.

[GUNSHOTS]

Cease firing!
Airplane down 0” port bow!

Didn't you hear what I--?

Didn't you hear what I said?
I said, hard apon.

PASSENGER [OVER PA]:
Get out, you old fool. You're through.

MORTON: Give me that wheel.
- Get out!

There may be survivors.
They have to be picked up.

PASSENGER:
I'm warning you.

MORTON:
Sir, I happen to be captain of this ship--

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPING]
Plane down. Plane down.

What you do to me, sir.
Is of no consequence.

But I beg of you,
code of the sea and so forth...

...change course, search for survivors.

I beg of you, Mr. Kuryakin.

Well, give the order. It's your ship.

[SHOUTING]
Hard apart!

Well, you heard what your captain said.

I thought...

I thought, perhaps, maybe I'd indulge
in a wee bit of violence.

I hope you didn't mind the noise.

- It was music to our ears, Scotty.
- Thank you, sir.

So happy to have had the opportunity, sir.
of picking you up.

- Thank you.
- And as for you, Mr. Kuryakin...

...should you ever decide to make a life
on the ocean deep for yourself--

I will most certainly get in touch
with you, captain.

Get a haircut.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, this is Mr. Waverly of the U.N.C.L.E.

This is Captain Morton of the O.C.E.A.N.

- Delighted to meet you, sir.
- An honor, Mr. Waverly.

Were there any other survivors?

I'm afraid not.
We've just called off the search.

Oh, I have something for you, gentlemen.

What is this?

New suits.
You both seem to be in need of one.

We keep their measurements on file.

These Hong Kong tailors
are extremely adept.

Splendid organization, U.N.C.L.E.

Reminds me of the Royal Navy.

Oh, would you care to work
for us, captain?

Oh.

I fear me my references
are not of the best.

- You see, I--
WAVERLY: Oh, that's all been set right.

The Lords of the Admiralty,
at my suggestion, have reviewed your case.

The verdict has been set aside.

You are now officially
Captain Rupert Oliver Morton...

...Royal Navy, retired.

- With full back pay?
- And pension rights?

The young. Mercenary, aren't they?

Well, now, sir.
how about that job with us?

I'm deeply grateful, Mr. Waverly.

Thank you.

Well...

I seem to have developed
a sentimental attachment...

...to this dirty British coaster.

Ha-ha-ha. Sentimental me.

[LAUGHING]

That calls for a celebration.

[ENGLISH SDH]