The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Adriatic Express Affair - full transcript

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[MAN SHOUTING
IN GERMAN OVER P.A.]

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Adriatic
Express Vienna to Venice on Track 9.

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[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

You are having a happy New Year,
yes, madam?

I trust so.

At my time of life, Schultz...

...every New Year is not only happy,
it is ecstatic.

Here.



Do something naughty.

I only wish I could.
Where is Hen von Kreidl?

Von Kreidl?

Yeah, the manager of my salon.
He was to meet me here.

I haven't seen anyone, madam.

Oh.

I want my chocolates. I want my roses.

Konrad, go look for him.

[ILLYA SNEEZES OVER RADIO]

Gesundheit.

Thank you. It's the draft out here.
See anything?

All I can see from where I'm at
are two little model girls.

Do you think he could be disguised?

Perhaps, but not one of these.



[MAN SHOUTING
IN GERMAN OVER P.A.]

Madam Nemirovitch?
Which compartment?

- Compartment G .
- G . G .

Oh! I'm terribly sorry, miss.

- Would you please let me go, sir?
- I'm sorry, I just--

If there's one thing I hate,
it's a masher in crowds.

Masher?

What about this one?

It's a phony beard.

Shall we?

- Who are you?
- I was sent by Hen von Kreidl.

From the salon. He was in the most
terrible accident, madam.

Pinned under the wheels 01a bus.
Just outside.

- He didn't have his glasses on, you see?
- The old fool.

Oh, my chocolates.

And my roses. You have brought them.

Yes, madam. Even in his pain,
he insisted I bring these to you.

Insisted. So I just ran.

Thank you.
Thank you very much, my dear.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

I will telephone him from Vienna.
You'd better go.

The train is about to leave.

Oh, dear.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

Happy New Year, Myrtle.

If you see Velma in Munich,
tell her I've got her turtle.

Bye. Bye.

[MAN SHOUTING
IN GERMAN OVER P.A.]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

EVA:
Let me out!

[EVA GRUNTS THEN SHRIEKS]

- Sony.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

What are you trying to do?
You could both be killed.

Stop the train. I have to get off.

Nobody stops this train, miss.
Not before we get to the border.

The border? But that's hours away.
I can't go to the border.

I'm going to Fledermaus tonight.
This is New Year's Eve.

And this is also the Adriatic Express.
Vienna to Venice.

You gentlemen get off at the border also?

No, I'd rather like to go
all the way through to Venice.

I've never seen the canals frozen over.

There is no true space available.

Well, I'm sure
you'll be able to manage something.

Doubling up might be arranged.

I hope so.

And make sure you have something
for fréulein also.

- No, thank you. Madam will.
- Look at your coat get ripped there.

I don't know what costs,
but let me get that for you.

- That's not your fault.
- No, it wasn't my fault.

It was that taxi hitting poor Hen Von...

[CRIES]

Oh, it was just terrible.

We were in the crosswalk
and suddenly he just flew up in the air.

You were in an accident?

The man I work for.

We were running
to see Madam Nemirovitch off...

...and his legs just went like that.

Nemirovitch?

The Olga Nemirovitch Way to Beauty?

Was that the old girl in the sable?

Madam Nemirovitch is not an old girl.

She's a great woman.

I should know.
I work in her salon on the Kannerstrasse.

Only six months
and already I'm shampooing.

I find there is a little compartment.

And madam will take care of your fave.
This way, please.

Good.

[MAN SINGING IN GERMAN]

[STATIC CRACKLES OVER RADIO]

- Mr. Waverly.
- Have you our Thrush man?

Tell him about the beard.

What? Speak up, I can't hear you.

Yes, we're on the train with him, sir.
and he appears to be wearing a beard.

One either is or is not wearing a beard.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]:
Try to be more specific.

Well, sir, could you tell us what,
or who it is...

...or why we're pursuing this man?

Otto von Kreidl is a Thrush agent
who is carrying a virus culture...

...which, if Thrush gets its hand on it,
can revolutionize world politics.

I see. Von Kreidl.

What does the virus do?
Tranquilize the electorate?

It inhibits the ability to reproduce,
Mr. Solo.

Thrush has only to wave that threat...

...and the world will fall over itself
to meet its terms.

Something none of us can afford.

Want us to find the culture,
bring it to you?

No, no. Destroy it, utterly.

Already there are rumors.
We can't afford hysterics.

Destroy it tonight, Mr. Solo.

Yes, sir.

Happy New Year.

Same to you.

A little further, my dear.

For the last 10 years,
I have made an absolute rule...

...never to sit near a window in the daylight
without either the blinds drawn or a veil on.

Not that it matters to a child of your age.

- How old are you?
- Nineteen, madam.

- And you have been working in my salon?
- For six months.

Who would've thought
when I woke up this morning...

...tonight I'd be on the train to Venice?

But only as far as the border, my dear.

I'd like to take you to Italy,
but the train is crowded.

We would have to share
this compartment.

And that would mean you would see this
as it is when I wake up in the morning.

Much too disillusioning
for a child of your tender years.

Oh, no, madam is ageless.

- They teach you to say that in my salon.
- But everyone knows it's true.

Even the young man who bumped into me,
he knew all about you.

Did he?

That's a rare talent. Who was he?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

Madam Nemirovitch.

Don't you recognize me? I'm Dr. Ingster.

Ingster?

What are you doing here?

You thought
I wouldn't catch up with you.

Oh, Ingster. Always so melodramatic, really.

What will my little friend here
think of you?

Anything for a laugh, my deal.
You should see him during carnival season.

He is wicked. And that false beard.

What did you put it on with?
Flour and water paste? All right.

All right. In the bar in half an hour.

Don't frighten the conductor
with that thing.

[SIGHS]

Poor little man.

Do me a favor, my dear.

Two doors down,
his name is Konrad, my chauffeur.

Tell him the doctor is on the train.

“The doctor is on the train?“ That's all?

Quite. He will know what to do.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

- Oh!
- Hi.

Sony. Hi.

WOMAN:
I beg your pardon.

Well...

[GRUNTING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[GRUNTING]

- Dead?
- Oh, yes.

Do you know who he is?

Madam Nemirovitch's chauffeur.

Is she after it too?

We better get him out of sight.

We don't wanna start anything
until we find it.

At first, they wanted me to pose
with almost nothing on at all.

Then they put me in a bikini at the Lido.

Then ostrich feathers in a cabana
at the Cap Fenat.

Now...now I wear nothing but heavy tweeds
for the winter showings in Florence.

It is a very dull life.

Besides, I'm too thin, don't you think?

STEWARD:
Good evening.

Good evening.

May I have a drink here
for the mademoiselle and a scotch for me?

- Oh, no, thank you, I--
- Be friendly.

It's along way to the border
and it's New Year's Eve.

Bartender, would you give this note
to Hen von Kreidl?

He's the little man sitting in the comer.

- Hen von Kreidl? Where?
- He's in the camel.

That's not Hen von Kreidl.

- It's not?
EVA: No.

- You know Hen von Kreidl?
- Of course.

He was the man
I was coming to the train with tonight.

There you are, Fraulein Eva.
And with a gentleman friend so soon?

You didn't tell me
you were ready for dinner.

I didn't want to disturb you, madam.

Nothing disturbs me, child.
except occasional good-looking men.

And even not that anymore.
Good evening.

What lies
have you been telling this child?

Good evening, madam. I never lie.

Then you are indeed unique.

I approve.

This is ML...

Solo. Napoleon Solo, madam.

Olga Nemirovitch.

Yes, I know.

Oh.

You are the one the fréulein says
knows all about me.

No, no, I didn't say that,
but I would like to.

Solo. It is a curious name.

The feminine version, Sola.
translates as a woman alone.

Yes. Well, that could never be true,
at least in madam's case.

No?

Then you must both dine with me.
I loathe dining alone.

Hen Obey.

There will be three tonight.

Begin with iced slivovitz. It is iced?

You will love it, my dear.
Essence of prunes.

Then prosciutto and melon. Ripe melon.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Something wrong, madam?

Did you give my message
to my chauffeur?

- Yes, madam.
- Madam, I have been waiting.

I am sorry, Dr. Ingster. I was delayed.

May we make it later.
After dinner? Yes, thank you.

So you thought Dr. Ingster
was Hen von Kreidl.

But they're not at all alike.
Are they, Eva?

No, madam.

Besides, why would you want to see
the manager of a beauty salon?

Your hair certainly
does not need to be tinted.

And you have the complexion of a baby.

I must confess, madam.
that my interest in Hen von Kreidl...

...was merely a means of getting to you.

Naturally.

What else?

Madam, I'm sure that my organization
can do much more for you than his.

Are you?

But the pay is so wretched
and I have such expensive tastes.

SOLO: Well, think of the satisfaction
of the experience...

...of working with our group.

I know all about satisfaction, Mr. Solo.

All my life, I have been self-indulgent.

Animal, ruthless if you like.

Deeply fond of attractive men,
devoted to the joys of the table.

As well as all the other joys.

[OLGA CHUCKLES]

By rights, I should be nothing more
than an old, wretched, decrepit ruin.

You have been stamping the prunes out
with your own feet again, haven't you?

Madam, please.

No, no, no. This is all right. This all right.

Where was I?

Uh, decrepit ruin.

But I have never felt better in my life.

So you see, if you have come to me now
as, say, Prince Charming...

...to lead me out of the woods
that surround my castle...

...you are,
to the best of my hasty calculations...

...just 43 years and 11 months too late.

You've been with them that long?

Dear Mr. Solo...

...the entire organization was my idea.

All alone by the telephone?

Well, you know how these
long distance calls are. One has to wait.

If you get bored,
I have a party line in my compartment.

This is my call now.

Don't forget.
In an emergency, dial operator.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

At last. I've been wanting
to meet you all afternoon.

Why have you been following me
all the time? What is this?

Now, now, don't complain.
After all, we did save your life.

Your friend is in there now,
kissing her hand, all attention.

Madam Nemirovitch? Oh, well.
he's always been very fond of the ladies.

Ladies, lady. She's a monster.

- He likes animals too.
- Don't make any jokes.

Don't you realize what has happened?

Don't you know who I am?

Well, not exactly. The beard.

Oh, here, here.

Excuse me. This is “henen?“
I thought it was “damen.“

I am Madam Nemirovitch's chemist.

The man who discovered it.

Heaven help me.
It was only to make everyone young again.

Always, you see, she has to be young.

Only it doesn't do just that.
It does this other terrible thing too.

I told her. I never thought for a moment
that she wouldn't give it back.

Now she has it.

She can destroy the future
of the entire world.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[SCREAMING]

Somebody! There's a body. Help!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING
AND LAUGHING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

EVA:
What's that?

It sounds like a mouse or an opera singer,
or both if they happened to meet.

- Perhaps I'd better" Would you mind?
- No, please do. I am curious.

These young men
are becoming very clumsy.

In the old days,
what savoir faire they had.

It was always a pleasure
to lose to them occasionally.

Lose, madam?

Mr. Solo may be attractive,
but he's a very dangerous man indeed.

A member of a worldwide
criminal organization.

You may have heard rumors of it.
Called Thrush.

Yes.

They want to use our company
as a facade for their evil activities.

If I refuse, they will destroy me.

It just might be tonight.

I might need some assistance.

- Would you?
EVA: Oh, madam.

I have heard of Thrush.

Anything I can do to help fight them...

...and of course,
anything I can do to help you.

You are a sweet little thing.
I saw that at once.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Put him here.

Terrible. Terrible.

OLGA: What is it?
- Oh, madam.

[GASPS]

Konrad.

What did I tell you?

First, Hen von Kreidl.

- Now, Konrad. I will be next.
- Oh, no, madam.

OLGA: You must help me, child.
You must help me.

I will do anything to help you, madam.
Anything at all.

A perfect hiding place, yes?

It is nothing lethal.
It contains only nerve gas.

When you pull the trigger,
put the barrel right next to Mr. Solo's head.

In that way, the gas penetrates
directly into the tissues.

He simply goes to sleep.

I wouldn't know, I--
I mean, I've never even held a gun.

Pull this back, put the gun to his head,
pull the trigger. Simple.

But how do I get close enough
to put the gun against his head?

My deal, you are a woman.

I know, but I don't know
very much about that yet.

Maybe he wouldn't like me
to get close to him.

Men being men, I think you are wrong.

Still, you may have a point.

Some perfume?

Madam, please.

Eye shadow, rouge.

Madam, do you think this is right
on a young girl?

They say in the salon, under 25,
we should be maidenly.

This is an emergency measure, fréulein.

If I'd only brought
my red satin and pearls.

But I haven't required those on trains
for years.

Valenciennes. It is foolproof.

Madam.
you make me feel so abandoned.

You should feel abandoned.

Only you must not abandon me.

Never, madam.

Whatever happens, you must get Mr. Solo
out of the way immediately.

But how can I manage it?
Won't people be watching?

In his compartment?

For 40 years, I have been working for Olga.
For them, these people.

- But this, I could not do.
- What form is the virus culture in?

You could put it in an ordinary capsule.
So big. Size is unimportant.

But once it is deposited in a:

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

- What is--?
- Receptive host.

It can multiply itself a thousand times
within 24 hours.

- Is there any more of it anywhere else?
- No, he destroyed it all.

The only sample of it left existing,
she has.

Even she doesn't know how it was made.
But that doesn't matter.

If she gives it to Thrush...

...they can destroy human life
in a matter of a few generations.

Where is it? In what?

But it's so small it could be anywhere,
in anything.

- Well, we can't tear the whole train apart.
- Why not?

[SIGHS]

I've heard of long distance calls before,
but this one was endless.

I wanna talk to you.

Let's see where the old girl is.
You wait here.

Olga.

Olga.

[HUSHED GUNSHOTS]

Personally, it's hardly the sort of night that
I'd choose to slip into something cooler.

- But very becoming.
- It's madam's.

Ah. Gee, I thought you borrowed it
from the conductor.

And to what do I owe the honor
of this nocturnal visit?

I'm mad about you.

Oh, you poor, foolish child.

You know, so many girls are.

I guess it's because of my long black hair
and the way I play the guitar.

But do you really think that's any reason
for this sort of thing?

- You're laughing at me.
- Never, never.

Oh, yes, you are.
Look at your mouth. It's smiling.

Well, I'm just
an incorrigibly happy person.

Besides, you're very pretty. I think
that's enough to make any man smile.

You think I'm a child, don't you?

Uh, not physically.

But I do think
you're acting rather childishly.

Of course I was a young nit myself once.

I am not a young nit.

Oh, but you're no Grandma Moses either.

Who blackened your eyes?

- The old girl belt you or what?
- That's shadow.

Madam put that on with her own hands.

Well, I think she should consult
her optometrist immediately.

Enough is as good as a feast, you know.

Mr. Solo, you've been horrid to me
ever since we first met...

...and you're getting horrider
and horrider.

Gee, I thought
I was acting rather pleasant.

Big brotherly even.

You're not supposed to act
like a big brother.

You're supposed to act
like a ravening beast.

I'm sorry, I gave up ravening
quite a while ago.

I send all those son of cases out
these days.

However, if we could wipe off
some of that war paint...

...and get down to cases...

...I think I could be...

...an affectionate beast.

[SIGHS]

Kiss me.

- Just what are you trying to do, fréulein?
- It's all right. I'm not going to kill you.

It's only a nerve gas to put you to sleep
till we get to Venice.

Oh, I see. That's good.
Are you quite sure of that?

Oh, yes, yes. Madam told me so herself.

Bless her heart, dear considerate soul.

[GUNSHOTS]

Hmm.

Fires a shot from both ends.

That's a cute little thing.

Puts a slug in both the victim
and the gunman.

Gee, the old girl seemed so fond of you.

Well, I guess dead fréuleins
tell no tales, huh?

Now, it you get that chap
by the washroom...

...we could have a fourth for Bridge.

Sony, he's lying
over the washbasin in there.

Shot four times through the stomach.

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

Somebody!

Somehow I don't think
that lady from Kansas feels too well.

That's the second body
she discovered there tonight.

Second body? What second body?

That little man in the bar that was
talking to our friend, Madam Nemirovitch?

No, I don't believe any of this.
Two bodies.

No, not two. Three bodies.

I'm sure by now Hen von Kreidl
is also dead. He looked awful.

Well, we can't blame anybody for him
except possibly the "am and bus line.

We got three bodies down.
Let's hope we don't have three left to go.

- Where do we luck next?
- For what?

We're searching for a capsule, fréulein.
about that size.

Now, if Madam Nemirovitch
gets it to Venice...

...we might as well scuttle ourselves
in a gondola...

...and sing the barcarole in three parts.

Could it be in a piece of jewelry?

He mentioned a ring, or a pin.
or a breach.

- She has jewels?
- Famous ones.

Carries them with he! always.

Mr. Kuryakin is not unknown
as a cat burglar.

This is all so terrible.

I've always worshipped
Madam Nemirovitch.

I can't believe
she's this kind 01a woman.

What it I went to her
and appealed to her better nature?

She hasn't carried that around with her
for years.

EVA:
What can I do to help?

Just sit quietly there
and hold a good thought.

We're gonna climb out on the roof.
Madam Nemirovitch thinks you're dead.

I don't wanna disillusion her.
And keep your door locked.

All right. After you, Alphonse.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Hi.

[THUDS]

It can't be romance.

So I presume you are after my jewels.

- I hoped you'd be asleep.
OLGA: I never sleep.

Like Cerberus,
I guard the gates of hell 24 hours a day.

I'm not surprised.
You know that won't be of any use...

...because we're both
much too quick for that.

OLGA: Perhaps, but if
you don't mind, indulge me.

It gives me something to do
with my hands.

Care for a chocolate? I can highly--

We're not here for either chocolates
or jewels, madam.

Then you're making a mistake.
They're both first class.

Where's the capsule, madam?

Capsule? I never take sleeping drugs.

Whatever it's in, a ring, your pearls,
it doesn't matter. Just hand it over.

All my life, people have been trying
to get my business secrets away from me.

Suborned my chemists,
ransacked my files...

...but no one yet has as much as
my formula for vanishing cream.

There's always a first time.

I can assure you
that we're deadly serious, madam.

[CHUCKLES]

You young people always are these days.

It seems to me that a sense of humor...

...went out with the bustle
and the Ieg-of-mutton sleeve.

[HUSHED GUNSHOT]

Naughty, Mr. Solo.

If you cease to amuse me,
I have no compunctions at all...

...in murdering two jewel thieves
in self-defense.

No, you wouldn't do that.

You couldn't afford to
because no one would believe you.

I have witnesses
that you tried to terrorize me...

...and steal my emeralds.

- Witnesses?
OLGA: Yes.

Boys.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

You were with me playing Parcheesi
when these two young men broke in...

...and tried to rob me of my jewels
at gunpoint.

- Weren't you?
FRITZ: But of course, of course.

Terrible class of travelers
on trains these days.

Terrible. Hen Shaffner?

[SHAFFNER SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

Madam, you are all right?

- We have caught the killers for you.
- What? The who?

OLGA:
There are your assassins.

- Did you bring the pocket detonator?
- We left so fast, they're in the hotel.

How did I know you were gonna bring me
for a ride in a train?

What about the electronic screwdriver?

It's in the same place.

Didn't you bring anything?

Did you?

The thing I can't understand
is why that conductor...

...believed Madam Nemirovitch
instead of us.

Well, she has an honest face even it
it is the result of triumph of plastic surgery.

[GRUNTING]

What about the flame thrower?
You didn't bring that either. No.

Only these. Book of matches.

The floor is wooden.
If we bum that, we can loosen these bars.

With one book of matches?

No, but we could with that.

That's just as inflammable as gasoline.

I know. I once had my eyebrows burned 0”
having cherries jubilee.

The result was a triumph of
plastic surgery.

There you are.
I've waited and waited and waited for you.

I thought you were coming back.
I looked everywhere.

It's almost New Year's
and everybody's getting together in the bar.

ILLYA: There's nothing I--
- You're locked in. Who did it?

Oh, I hate practical jokers.

- Where's the key? Shall I call the conductor?
- No, no.

Give us two bottles of cognac out of
there and everything will be all right.

- Brandy.
- Yeah.

Dandy.
We can have our own party right here.

Ooh.

Good. Thank you.

All right.

And soda.
Get some bottles of soda from the bar.

- After all, I'd hate to go up in smoke.
- Well, you won't. It's good brandy.

Yes, but I burst into flames
with very little encouragement.

Two big bottles.

SOLO:
Get four. Four, fast.

- Four, four, four. We're gonna have a party.
SOLO: Brandy, brandy.

Fraulein Eva? Fraulein Eva?

Fraulein Eva.

Fraulein Eva,
I bring a message from Mr. Solo.

Fraulein Eva.

It's a matter of life and death.

[WHISPERS]
Yes?

Mr. Solo is held prisoner
in the baggage car.

He can't escape. You must help him.

Hurry, or he will be murdered.

- Murder?
FRITZ: Yes, yes.

Hurry. They're going for him now.

Fraulein Eva.

[GASPS]

Thank you. I can handle everything now.

I hope you realize
there is nothing personal in all this.

As a matter of fact, I experienced
a tiny moment of regret over your fate.

Tiny, but a moment.

I do not have many moments like that,
I assure you.

All my life, I've dreamt of meeting you.

Of fashioning my life like yours.

I thought you
the greatest woman in the world.

Life being what it is, frequently cruel,
always painful.

After all, for a child such as you,
this may be the kindest way.

- What do you mean?
- One half of this Nemirovitch No. 9.

The other half is not as abrupt
as prussic acid.

But in the end, it is as effective.

I am sorry.

[GRUNTING]

OLGA:
No.

- What a divine bouquet. Here's your soda.
- Soda, front and center.

What are you doing?
I thought we're gonna have a party.

ILLYA: I think that one's loose.
SOLO: All right, let's put it out.

[WOMAN SQUEALING]

It worked.

OLGA:
Fritz, Hans.

[GRUNTING]

No.

SOLO:
Where is it?

Where is it?

- The atomizer, watch out.
SOLO: Where?

Madam Nemirovitch.

Tell me where it is.

Always so serious, Mr. Solo.

Such a one-track mind.

Please. Can't you see she's dying?

[SIGHS]

I tremble for your future, Mr. Solo.

Please. My chocolates.

Where, Madam Nemirovitch?

The culture won't do anyone
any good now.

[MOANS]

Don't bother me with silly details.

Cigarette, I--.

No. No time.

No.

No time.

Chocolates.

[CHUCKLES]

You are too late, Mr. Solo.

I have swallowed it.

It's midnight. It's midnight.
Happy New Year.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLING]

If it wasn't snowing,
what could we see there?

Well, on a clear day, in the distance,
you could see St. Marks, perhaps.

Isn't it exciting?

- Will you take me on a gondola?
- I was thinking more of a little motorboat.

EVA: A motorboat?
- Mm-hm.

But that's so unromantic.

Not with Mr. Solo.

- He finds a gondola much too slow.
EVA: Do you?

Yes. You see, with a speedboat,
I can get a lot farther, a lot quicker.

[ILLYA COUGHING]

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[ENGLISH SDH]