The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Children's Day Affair - full transcript

[RADIO BEEPING]

- Yes, sir.
WAVERLY: May I have your report, please?

We're on the last leg
of the pie-conference security tour.

Nothing unusual solar.
We've checked all roads to Geneva.

There's not even an out-of-place elf
in the forest.

WAVERLY: Goad. I'm taking
my flight to Geneva this afternoon.

- I'll meet you at our office there.
- Yes, sir.

[EXPLOSION]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS CONTINUING]



[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Well, boys will be...

We can't get a word out of the boy...

...except to demand that we obey the rules
of the Geneva Convention.

We have an enlarged photograph
of the crest on the boy's blazer.

It seems to be the official emblem
of something called the School at Figliano.

Our local research indicate
there is such a school...

...near the village of Figliano,
run by a Captain Dennis Jenks.

What does Thrush want
with a private boys' school?

I will send two of my men
and check it out.

I'd like Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin to go,
if you don't mind, Carlo.

Of course I don't mind, Alexander.

But I am sure you wouldn't want
to infer that my two men...

...are not as capable
as these two gentlemen.



I'm sure they are, Carlo.

However, these two
will still have to make security analyses...

...of our other transportation possibilities.

And it might be nice
if they could stop off at the school...

...on the way and check it out.

You're assuming that our conference...

...on Western Hemisphere
Section One leaders...

...will somehow be jeopardized
by a boys' school?

Possibly...

...if it's used by a Thrush as a cover.

It Thrush would make an attempt
on the conference...

It's only an assumption of mine, Carlo.

But, of course, you are the host
and the one responsible.

In arranging a conference
of this importance...

...I quite naturally made arrangements
for an alternate location.

Cancel the reservation at the Geneva Hotel
and confirm the alternate location.

The lodge at Enciente.

Our new cover will be that the meeting
is an international bankers' meeting.

You will receive the new
identification passes when you return.

I think you'd better begin
your assignment at once.

Keep in touch
with the communications section here.

I suppose you would want me
to furnish you with another car.

No, this time we'll take the train.

Thank you, anyway.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Naughty boy.

Naughty boy.

Oh, darling.
I didn't expect you back so early.

There wasn't any point
in my staying on in Geneva.

They moved the U.N.C.L.E. conference
to another location.

- I don't where it might be.
- Now, now, I know you must be exhausted.

Huck, deal.
would you ask Turn to come in, please.

Well...

Now, tell me all about it.

Well...

It wasn't bad enough...

...that Tom let the boys get out of hand this
morning on maneuvers and attack that car...

...but it turns out that the car was driven
by two U.N.C.L.E. agents.

- What if the boy talked?
- He won't talk.

Look, if he was gonna talk...

...this place will be crawling
with U.N.C.L.E. agents.

Yes, but we must remember he was wearing
one of our blazers, mustn't we?

- Hmm?
- Oh.

School authorities will send
someone to investigate.

I'll make my usual denials.
And before they can prove anything...

...we'll move the school
to Southern California where we'll be safe.

Oh, I know what a disappointment
that must be to you, Dennis.

Why, I keep thinking
what Thrush Central is going to say.

You know, they're the ones
that put the money up for this pilot project.

That U.N.C.L.E. conference would've been a
perfect place to launch Operation PENROD.

We could've wiped out the entire Western
Hemisphere Section One of U.N.C.L.E.

- The organization would have fallen apart.
YVONNE: Now, now, now.

- Everything is going to be all right.
- I don't know.

- Oh, yes. You'll see.
- Oh.

It's going to be all right.

[SIGHING]

I don't know
what I'd do without you, Yvonne.

Standing by me all these years.

All those schools
where I was headmaster.

- And all those--
Brutality.

Brutality trials, yes.

[SIGHS]

Shh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

- You wanted 10--
- Shh.

You wanted to see me, Mother Fear?

Yes, Tom.

What arrangements have you made
for replacing the boy?

There's a recruit coming
on the afternoon train.

Are you sorry
for what happened this morning, Tom?

You are, aren't you?

- Yes, Mother Fear.
YVONNE: And you, Huck, are you sorry?

- Well, it wasn't my fault. This stupid oaf--
- Are you sorry, Huck?

HUCK: He let the boys out in the woods.
- Are you sorry?

I'm sorry, Mother Fear.

And it won't happen again, will it?

Good. Because if it does,
I'm gonna have to take the strap to you.

[TRAIN BELL RINGING]

This is the last tunnel before Figliano.

If we use this train, how many men do you
think we'll need for on board security?

Oh, about a dozen, I suppose.

All right, I recommend that we send
three of the Section One men on the train.

And I will send three by helicopter.

And the rest can go
on their separate automobiles.

That should be
sufficient diversification...

...if Thrush decides
to mount a mobile assault.

Ricardo.

[GRUNTING]

SOLO:
It's all right. It's all right.

ANNA: I'm very sorry.
ILLYA: It's all right.

It's just a toy, of course.

- Is the boy...?
- Oh, no.

I work for a social-service agency.

I'm taking Ricardo
to a placement center in Milano.

I see. Well, this is IIIya Kuryakin,
I'm Napoleon Solo and you're...?

ANNA: Anna Paola.
- Why don't you--?

Yes, thank you.
I must apologize again for Ricardo.

They say there is no such thing
as a bad boy...

...and that's what I keep telling myself
over and over and over.

I take it you don't care much for children.

To tell you the truth,
I cannot stand children.

Not at all. My family, 10.

All of them younger than I am.
So I have to take care of them.

And then as soon as I am old enough...

...everyone thinks I should many
and have lots of children...

...for me to look after.

Then I made up my mind and I left home.

And the only job you could get
was with a social-service agency.

ANNA:
Exactly.

Displaced children.
Lost souls without anything.

Without a family.

They drive me just as crazy
as my own brothers and sisters.

Like this Ricardo.

What else does Ricardo do?

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

He pulls emergency cans.

He's quite a young man, this Ricardo.

Yes, he is. Isn't he?

Excuse me, but have you seen Ricardo?
He's missing.

I think he tried to run away.

Would you please help me, please?
Please.

All right. We'd be delighted.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

- I'll take this end of the station.
- He's probably armed and dangerous.

- Have you seen him?
- No.

Ricardo. Ricardo.

[BEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

Very unsanitary.

No one has seen either of them.

First, I lost Ricardo,
then you lose your friend.

Shouldn't we call the police?

No, not just yet.
I have a hunch my friend isn't lost.

But what about Ricardo?

I don't think Ricardo is, either.

I have a sweet tooth.

[COUGHING]

[TSKS]

Very unsanitary.

[GUNSHOTS]

Well, not bad, young man. Not bad.

Blow-ups from photographs
of your Mr. Waverly.

Of course, he'll do much better
when he gets a crack at the real thing.

Tom here will show you to your room.

And this school of yours
is quite an innovation.

I imagine the class reunions
would be quite fascinating.

[BOYS SINGING
“HOME ON THE RANGE"]

We train our boys in the arts too.

Keeps them well-rounded.

Yes, Thrush will have the best trained...

...most highly-educated operatives
in the world, Mr. Kuryakin.

Well, I've taken displaced children
from all over the world...

...and taught them to accept discipline.

Don't you think you're being too academic?
We're onto you. That's why I'm here.

Yes.

And you wouldn't have moved
the conference location.

Where?

- Sorry, we want it to be a surprise.
- Ah.

Torture, then?

You're the headmaster.

Well, I wouldn't expect
an U.N.C.L.E. agent...

...to break down under
your everyday ordinary torture...

...so I've arranged something special.

[GUNSHOTS]

How special?

YVONNE:
Tea, Mr. Kuryakin?

ILLYA:
It might be a little awkward, madam.

Well, you don't need to be so formal,
Mr. Kuryakin.

Why don't you call me Mother Fear?

Well, that's very kind.

Well, that's very sweet of you
to think so.

Now, tea.

How's that? Too hot?

Very refreshing, thank you.

IIIya, deal, when was the last time
you told your mother that you loved her?

Well, sent her flowers?

Thanked her
for all the little things she's done?

Told her how much you care?

I must warn you
I don't have any guilt feelings...

...for you to may upon.

Or any resentment.

Well, that's nice.

So you want to be a good boy?

Tell me all about the new location
for the U.N.C.L.E. conference.

You heard me. I asked you a question.

I want you to mind me. Answer me.

I knew it would come to this.
You're disobeying me.

You know what I'm going to have to do,
don't you? You'll be sorry.

I'm gonna have to take the strap to you.

I closed the front of the shop.

- Now, what do we do?
- I'm going to the school.

I want you to stay here
and keep an eagle eye on this group.

I cannot help worrying about Ricardo.
I wonder what they have done to him.

SOLO: They're probably making him
a little more efficient.

ANNA:
I do care about him.

And then I think I would like
to get my hands on him.

You don't have to like someone
to feel responsible, you know?

Don't you?

Sometimes.

Don't worry. I'll find Ricardo for you.

May I come with you?

No, no. I want you to stay here
and keep an eye on this group.

I don't want them
warning the school, all right?

All right.

You will take care of yourself, won't you?

It's just that I don't want
to have to worry about you too.

Since you put it that way...

Mother Fear will see you now.

Well, tell her the school inspector is here
and I'm in a hurry.

S-O-L-O. Solo.

You will find the name
in your Thrush manual.

Napoleon Solo. Look it up. Look it up.

Now, how many of you spotted him?

Very, very good.
Now, let's see how he handles himself.

Now, he's on to the hidden camera.
And he found that very quickly, didn't he?

And he's out of range.

Now. Now, let's see what he does.

Now, if he's very, very clever,
he won't go through the front, will he?

He'll assume
that since we're watching him...

...we'd block that exit.

Now, how many of you...

...think he'll try to make his break
across the athletic field?

How very light you are.

All right, you.

He fouled up the whole maneuver.
Get him.

Here, take my gun.

Get him!

Now, he did very well until this part.

What's the matter?

He let friendship get in the way.

He just might have escaped by himself.

Hurry.

We'll have to give Mr. Solo
a C-minus on this.

Have you reconsidered, Mr. Solo?

No, I don't think so.

You see? It isn't all work here
at the Figliano School.

This is our train room.

A new concentrated nerve gas.

One whiff is enough to kill a dozen men.

Those little flat cars are designed
so that it there's a collision...

...or it the train is derailed,
they'd tilt over and spill out their contents.

Very realistic, isn't it?

What would you like me to do?

You will have to prevent the trains
from colliding, Mr. Solo.

You can manipulate all of the switches
from the control board in front of you.

You sure you wouldn't like to tell me
the new location...

...of the Section One conference?

I'm running short of time.

No, I don't think so.

I'll control the speed of the trains
from in here.

Any time you wanna stop,
you know what to say.

Board!

I'll increase the speed, Mr. Solo.

It seems that our people in Geneva have
discovered the new conference location.

So I see no point in ruining
two perfectly good trains.

But you've tricked him, Dennis.

- We don't know the location.
- No.

That's nice. But why?

Well, when we allow Mr. Solo
to escape in the morning...

...he'll lead us there himself.

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

What?

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

Yes. I know, I know, it is late.

I am very sorry, but I was told
not to let you out of my sight.

We're supposed to wait here
until we hear from Mr. Solo.

I'm sure he'll be back at any moment.

- Good morning, darling.
- Good morning, Yvonne.

- Are they all on board?
- Yes, dear.

Tom, go and take care of them.

But make their escape convincing.
Don't let them get away too easily.

Yes, sir.

Ready?

The bus is leaving
and one of the faculty is on the way here.

Well, what do you propose we do?

Oh, I see.

You're gonna climb up above the door
and then when he comes into the room...

...you're going to drop down
on top of him.

Well, come out here.

You coming?

What's going on here? Who are you?

- How are you?
- Fine, I hope.

Let's take the car.
It will be considerably faster than the truck.

- Where are you going?
- We've got to get to a certain lodge.

- How well do you know the countryside?
- Very well.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind
giving us some directions?

They've left the school.

As soon as I can determine
their destination, I'll let you know.

I don't want to interfere,
but why don't you telephone the lodge?

We picked the lodge
because of its inaccessibility.

They don't have telephones.

And we've been relieved
of our communicators.

You don't happen to know
a shortcut to Enciente, do you?

Yes. There is a mountain road
a few minutes from here.

- It is much shorter than going this way.
- Let's try it then.

- Yes, Huck.
- They've taken a back road.

We'll stay on the main highway.
You keep following them.

Contact me as soon as you confirm
their destination.

And when I'm sure?

Well, you did put the remote-control device
in their car, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Things are going very well
for you, Dennis.

Yes, aren't they?

Dennis, not in front of the children.

Well.
did you make their escape convincing?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

We'll need you for a backstop.
Stay about a half a mile behind us.

Yes, sir.

For you. Chocolates.

Oh, well.
you shouldn't have had it gift-wrapped.

It was in the car.

- What is the matter?
- A bomb.

A special transistorized device.

They can detonate it by remote control.

It's an old Thrush trick.

Will it spoil anyone's ride
it I tell him that this gun isn't loaded...

...and that we're being followed?

- For how long?
- Definitely since we got onto the cutoff.

How long before that, I don't know.

- Why would they follow us?
- They wouldn't.

Unless Thrush didn't know the new location
of the conference and wanted us to escape.

Once they know,
they'd wanna be rid of us.

They have taken the tum off to Enciente.

They're probably heading for the lodge.
All right then, explode them.

Ten...

Nine. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Five, four, three...

...two, one.

Too bad.

He did have the right-of-way, you know?

What happened?

I was attacked
by a savage band of children.

They robbed us,
took our bus and left us here.

What did they steal?

Our choir robes,
all our music arrangements.

- Fiends. Demons, I tell you.
- Where were you taking your group?

To the Enciente Lodge.

They were to sing
for the bankers' convention.

Wait!

Wait for me!

You cannot leave me
with all those children.

Mr. Waverly, Mr. Farenti.

Lovely place, Alexander.

Yes, isn't it?

Now, we do it
just the way we rehearsed it.

After “Lullaby."
we go into “Frére Jacques.“

After the second chorus,
Bill here steps forward for the solo.

Come on.

And after the solo...

...you keep your eye on me
for the cutoff.

And when I do this: Get ready.

And when I do this:
You take out your guns and you kill them.

Now, don't be nervous.
You're all are gonna be just fine.

[TSKING]

[PLAYING ORGAN]

Too had your Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin
are not here yet.

Yes, isn't it?

We're scheduled to go on
right after the dessert.

The boys have their guns
under their choir robes.

And after “Frére Jacques“...

...they take out their guns
and open up on the room.

That's nice, Dennis.

What key would you like it in?

Uh...

[MOANING]

[WHISTLES]

I must say, Alexander,
you are a very patient man.

- How's that, Carlo?
- If it were two of my agents...

...I would be very worried.

But however,
your two men are so outstanding that--

Thank you for reminding me, Carlo.

I'd almost forgotten about them.

I think I'll check
with our communications people.

See it they reported in yet.
Excuse me, will you?

Tom and Conrad are outside.

I haven't heard from Huck. I don't like it.

I think we'd better move
our program ahead, Dennis.

I'll get the boys.

We'll give it to them
during the main course.

[BOYS SINGING
“LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT"]

- Any news?
- I beg your pardon?

I said did you hear anything about"?

Can't hear a thing because of those...

[BOYS CONTINUE SINGING]

[WHISTLES]

[GUNSHOTS]

The other half of the brother acting.

Yeah, with an accompanist on the roof.

All right, I'll take the one on the 1001.
You draw their five.

See it you can get that gun and cover me.

[BOYS SINGING IN DISTANCE]

[GUNSHOTS]

What if I try for the roof
and you go for the gun?

[BOYS SINGING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[ENGINE REVS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[BOYS SINGING IN DISTANCE]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

IIIya!

Out of the way, kid.

Put the gun down, Mother Fear.

Don't crowd mother.

[EXPLOSION]

[YVONNE SCREAMING]

[CONTINUES SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

I did not know the cake was loaded.

Tie my shoelace, my teeth hurts,
give me a glass of water...

...tell me a story.

But they are my weakness, you see?

Yes, I see. Where is Ricardo?

I left him with the conductor.

In chains, I trust.

Oh, Ricardo really isn't that bad.

He just needs someone to look after him.

Well, you and your agency
will have that chance...

...now that you've assumed responsibility
for the boys Thrush has recruited.

Thank you so much for everything.

ANNA:
Mr. Solo!

- What? What is it?
- Ricardo is missing.

WAVERLY:
Well, not exactly missing.

I borrowed your young man
for a few minutes.

Oh.

I'm sorry about that.

But he insisted on having
some chocolate.

I could hardly refuse him.

- After all, boys will be bo--
- Yes.

[RICARDO AND ANNA LAUGHING]

Won't they?

[LAUGHING]

[ENGLISH SDH]