The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Never-Never Affair - full transcript

[CHUCKLING]

Fascinating.

It would have seemed simpler,
perhaps, to shoot him in the leg.

Then we could have
searched and interrogated him.

I never did understand
your American strategy.

Although I must
say it intrigues me.

It's just a little bad
luck, Mr. Gervais.

-You can't anticipate everything.
GERVAIS: Oh, very impressive.

A philosophy that covers
a millennium of failure.

But perhaps it was my fault. I
probably expected too much from you.

We're doing our best to
accommodate you, Mr. Gervais.



Mr. Varner, do not regard a
clinical attitude as subversive.

It shall go on the record that
the New York Thrush office...

has been an admirable host to the
head of the French Division of Thrush.

The fine limousine, the
comfortable lodgings, are all superb.

But perhaps now, we could
concentrate on getting results.

For example, getting
the small list of names...

our courier is taking to
U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

Do you suppose we could channel
our energies in that direction? Hm?

Memo from the Language Translations
Department Portuguese Division...

to the Transportation Department.
Here's today's weather report for Brazil.

In Rio the high today
will be 85 degrees...

65 percent humidity
with unlimited visibility.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Portuguese translation,
Miss Stevenson speaking.



Right.

For Mr. Solo?

Right. Thank you.

Uh, take my calls,
will you, Connie?

Oh, Mandy. I've
been looking for you.

- What is it?
- Would you pick up a sandwich...

when you go to lunch?
I've get work to do.

- I'll be glad to. What would you like?
- Oh, the usual. Thanks.

- Hello, Mandy.
- Hello, Napoleon.

SOLO: I see you brought
the file with your customary...

efficiency.

To the wall, Mr. Solo.
Your back to me.

I wouldn't have
it any other way.

Feet apart.

It's rather clever
of you, I must admit.

I hoped you'd like it.

Keep your hands
against the wall.

That's not bad.
Thirty-seven seconds.

Too late for you, Mr. Solo.

No, don't!

[PISTOL CLICKS]

- What's going on here?
- Oh!

MAN: What's this all about?
- I didn't know they were here.

That's right. And they
didn't know this was a toy.

You know, they
could have killed you.

I would have let them too but good
Portuguese translators are hard to find.

That's cynical. I was just showing
him how self-sufficient I'm gonna be...

when he takes me to the Inter-American
Conference as his personal translator.

SOLO: I didn't know anyone
was going with me to Rio.

Mandy wants very much to find the
romance and glamour of espionage work.

So would I.

See, I have this
time coming to me.

And I thought that it I just happened to
be in Rio at the same time you were that...

Mandy.

That would be a very bad idea.

Mr. Waverly is
waiting for the file.

Napoleon. Hey, Napoleon, listen.

Be open-minded.

After all I did show up
a breakdown in security.

I brought this gun in
without any trouble.

Mandy, security knew you brought it in. I
checked the bottom of your desk myself.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- What's that?
- Once a spy, always a spy.

Oh, come on, Napoleon,
listen. Be reasonable.

Mandy, my advice
to you is simple.

- All I want for you...
- I know, I know.

Don't try any more
stunts like this.

Be content with the
warmth and the security...

of the Language Translation
Department, Portuguese Division.

Walk, do not run. Close
cover before striking.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Here's your file, Mr. Solo.

ILLYA: Put your
people on standby alert.

SOLO: What's the matter?

Thrush is mounting
an all-out operation.

They barely missed me on my
way in from Washington this morning.

They were after this.

- The names and addresses of what?
- The 12 top Thrush agents in France.

They know we're onto some of their
men. They don't know which ones, however.

All they need is
one look at this.

We shall have to hand-carry this
information to our Paris bureau.

So they'll be prepared to move when
Section One gives them the go-ahead.

Since Mr. Kuryakin has
been spotted by Thrush...

someone else will
have to take the list.

All right, I'll take the
1:00 flight this afternoon.

Not you, Mr. Solo.

I've arranged for
a special courier.

-Would you come in here,
please? WOMAN: Yes, sir.

Why is it, with all the vast resources
and power of this organization...

that I must always be
without enough pipe tobacco?

Yes, sir?

Would you arrange for someone
to take this to my tobacconist...

and get some of my blend.

- Yes, sir.
- That's Isle of Dogs, No. 22.

- Is there anything else, sir?
- Yes, there is.

Take this list to
Mr. Baker in the microlab...

and ask him to
transfer it to a microdot.

Ask him to hurry please.

The courier will
pick it up from him.

I'll meet you back here in 30
minutes and discuss the Rio situation.

Yes, sir.

Weren't you a little
cold without your jacket?

Actually it was rather warm.

Well, you have certainly
saturated the sector with your men.

And I assume you
have made provisions in

case the courier passes
the information. Mm?

- No, I haven't yet.
- Oh?

Well, now...

since we have so effectively
announced our presence...

they will probably have
the foresight to decoy us...

and use another courier.

VARNER: I admit
that's one possibility.

Mr. Vamer, it has
taken me 15 years...

to build my organization
throughout France.

It would be very nice if I could know which
of my operatives is known to U.N.C.L.E.

0! face the task of having to
completely liquidate and start anew.

Would you mind very much it I
supervise this portion of the operation?

Well, Mr. Gervais...

we can consider that
your prerogative, of course.

I'm afraid I must.

The stakes are very
high for me to stay home.

Well, hello there.

Hello.

- Mandy, what are you doing?
- Now you've got to listen to me.

Mandy, take your finger off
that emergency alarm button.

Nope. Not until you hear me out.

Now, I just want you to
understand something, Napoleon.

I came to work here to
find a little excitement, right?

So far the most exciting
thing that happened

to me is to miss my
subway connection.

I might as well be working
for the telephone company.

I tell you, in 30 seconds
you're gonna have excitement...

because everybody is going to
come down that elevator shaft after us...

- if you don't get your finger off.
- You know what I'm talking about.

It I could just get involved in
something, just do something.

Then at least I'd have a memory.

I mean, it's bad enough
that I don't have a future.

I can't even have a past.

Mandy, listen. I wish
I could help you, but...

Oh, Napoleon, I just don't even care
if they have weather in Brazil anymore.

I'm dying of acute dullness.

All right, gentlemen,
put away your tools.

Just a little
personal malfunction.

Let's go have some lunch.

Oh, well, I guess I've bored
you enough with my troubles.

You've been a good sport.

There is another way
to look at it, of course.

Without me, Baker
would starve to death.

Mandy, wait a minute.

If there was something that you could do
here in New York, would that satisfy you?

Of course it would. I just wanna
do one thing. That would be...

I'm not going to kid
you. It's dangerous.

That's the best kind.

A special courier, son of an
emergency for Mr. Waverly.

All of our regular
couriers are tied up.

What is it?

I want you to make a
delivery to the tobacco shop.

- Tobacco shop?
- That's right.

You'll take Mr. Waverly's humidor and
make the delivery to the tobacco shop.

When you get there, you'll ask the
man for Mr. Waverly's special blend.

- Isle of Dogs, No. 22.
- Isle of Dogs, No. 22.

- You got that?
- What's the address?

It's on East 76th Street.

Any special route?

Of course.

You'll use evasion pattern
number eight. Pay attention.

When you leave, you walk three
blocks north, get into a taxicab...

and go six blocks west get
out, walk up to 49th Street.

- 49th Street.
- The 49th Street cross-town bus.

Cross-town bus. Right.

Get off on 8th Avenue, double
back, go 12 blocks south again.

- Twelve blocks.
- That's right.

An area where there's a lot of
theaters, an houses, cur" Know that area?

Go into one of the theaters and
wait five minutes, five minutes only.

Get out three blocks north, take a taxicab
one block to the west and you're there.

- You got that?
- I'm there.

- Do you got it? All right.
- Yes, right.

Mr. Waverly's secretary
will give you the humidor.

Just tell her I sent you.

Right.

I'll leave right away.

- Mandy.
- Yes, yes.

What?

- When you get to the tobacco shop...
- Right.

Make sure that the man who is there
is the only one that opens the humidor.

It's wired to explode.
That's right, is it?

Well, let's just say that he knows
how to open it better than anyone else.

He will put something in it.

And you will return it here using
reverse evasion pattern number eight.

- Right.
- Mandy...

good luck.

Oh, Napoleon...

thank you.

Something's just happened.

I can hardly believe it.

Mr. Solo has just assigned me...

to be Mr. Waverly's
special courier.

I think I'll wear my contact lenses.
It'll be a little more professional.

You're the special courier?

[ALARM BEEPING]

Put through a scrambled
call to the Paris office.

Tell them to stand by
for an alternate pattern.

Cancel my flight to Washington.

Oh, uh, Mr. Solo, it seems
that this Miss Stevenson...

informed Mr. Baker in the microlab
that she was a special courier...

assigned by you.

He turned over
the microdot to her.

Now, what is this
all about, Mr. Solo?

Well, I send her to pick
up your tobacco, sir...

and I led her to believe
she was on a secret mission.

Why did you do that?

I felt sort of sorry for her. I mean,
she never had any excitement in her life.

And I thought maybe it she
thought she was on a mission...

she'd see that there's a lot
of excitement around her...

imagine it anyway, and
she'd suspect everyone of...

being against her, and...

She'd fantasize an adventure,
you see, and I thought...

It seemed like a good
idea at the time, you know.

- You don't know, no.
- What about the microdot?

Well, I imagine she took that to the
tobacco shop along with your humidor.

I see. By what route?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, evasion pattern eight.

What?

Well, sir, it's a very
complicated route that

I gave her that I don't
remember exactly.

Send out a search and
seize on Miss Stevenson.

She's heading
for my tobacconist.

By a very complicated
route that Mr. Solo gave her.

He can't remember exactly.

I want every available
walking agent out immediately...

distribute photographs of her to anyone
who might not otherwise recognize her.

Brief the men that she'll be
carrying a very old and expensive...

and irreplaceable
tobacco humidor.

There are Thrush
agents everywhere today.

They're out looking for
me. Perhaps I better go out...

see if I can draw their file. If
I'm lucky, I may decoy them.

Perhaps even as far
as Trenton, New Jersey.

You, Mr. Solo, had
better cruise the area.

Try and remember
what route you gave her.

We'll have to find her before
Thrush stumbles onto her.

We'll find her.

Yes, please, do that, Mr. Solo.

We've spotted him.

Yes, sir. Right.

Burnt almond.

“Walk back three
blocks. Double back two.“

I've picked up
two Thrush agents.

All right. Call me when
you get to Trenton.

I'm taking the next alley south.

No.

MANDY: Illya.

Oh, Mandy.

Illya.

- Illya, I'm being followed.
- Not now, Mandy.

I think it's Thrush.

- I'll hold them off. You run.
- Where?

Run, run.

- Did he pass it to her?
- I don't know.

This is my step, thank you.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Three blocks.

Two blocks.

Napoleon.

[PHONE BEEPING]

I spotted the girl.

Thrush was closing in
on me, she got away.

Where are you now?

The come! of 63rd
Street and 3rd Avenue.

Stay right where you are,
I'll be over and pick you up.

We did get a good
look at the girl.

I've got two of the men who saw her.
She shouldn't be hard for us to spot.

Doesn't that strike you as being
rather remarkable, Mr. Vamer?

You not only had he original
courier whom you missed earlier...

but also the new courier and
somehow they both escaped from you.

That must have taken an extraordinary
piece of bad luck, Mr. Varner.

What are your instructions?

Well, I think it would be
nice if you would find the girl.

Let's see. Uh...

Go into a theater.

She just went into a theater.

Go inside and watch her.

Please don't do anything until
I arrive. What's the address?

Two-twenty-one East
70th. The New Cinema.

Thank you.

Driver, notify Mr. Vamer.
Take me there at once.

[EXPLOSIONS ON FILM]

I trust you remember
what she looked like.

- We all saw her.
- Fine, fine.

Now, there are
already two men inside.

That makes five of
us against one girl.

That should give us an
even chance, don't you think?

You might go to the
rear of the theater.

- You have your sniper scope?
- Right here.

Mr. Vamer, it might be to our advantage
if you positioned yourself on that comer.

This gentleman, the
other end of the block.

And where will you be?

Myself?

I am very thirsty.

Good luck, Mr. Vamer.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

ILLYA: That's the
truck they were using.

SOLO: Yeah, the theater.

[GUNFIRE ON FILM]

Popcorn?

[GUNSHOTS]

I don't see her in here.

I want to check the
other aisle east of here.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ow!

- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, I dropped my contact lens.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
mademoiselle. May I help you?

No, no, no, you might
step on it. Allow me.

- Sit down, please.
- Oh, thank you.

Well...

we know it is here but we do
not know exactly where, do we?

Uh, no.

We ask ourselves now what
would a clever man do at this point?

The answer might be
that he'd be in a position...

so he might catch a
refraction of light from the lens.

Hey, down in from.

Thanks.

Where?

About three feet left of center.

Too bad.

He'll never know
how it came out.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And there it is.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

It is a pleasure to find myself on
my knees in front of such beauty.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my. Well,
thank you very much.

- I've got to be going now.
- So soon?

After all we've just
been through together...

we cannot brush it aside
without a farewell drink.

Well, that's very sentimental of
you. But really, I've got to be going.

Perhaps we could postpone
our little drink until this evening.

Uh... Oh. I tell you what.

I mean, there is something
you could do for me.

Just for old times' sake.

- If you don't mind?
- How could I possibly mind?

Well, there's a man down the
street who's been bothering me.

And I wonder if you could
just walk me across the street.

Well, my pleasure, mademoiselle.

To think it is not safe for a young
lady on the streets of New York.

- Criminal.
- That's exactly the way I feel about it.

You must let me do something
about it in my own small way.

If you like, my driver
will take you home.

- Just give him your address.
- No. I don't think I should.

Thank you very much.

I'm very unpredictable.
I accept your offer.

Fine, fine.

Take the young lady wherever
she wishes to go, huh?

Congratulations.

I beg your pardon?

You've got her, haven't you?

But of course.

You Americans.

- Won't you gentlemen join us?
- What about my men?

If is a double feature.
They may not even miss us.

They got her. Come on.

Ooh.

Here, here. That's rather
amateurish, don't you think?

How would you
like it if I scream?

An U.N.C.L.E. agent
scream? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Now I am surprised.

I'm sure you realize that the
car is completely soundproofed.

Uh-uh. Just that I happen
to scream rather well.

You should relax
now, mademoiselle.

You've done very well so far.

Besides, we both know that
this part of the game is over.

Oh. I wouldn't be
too sure of that.

You're very charming,
mademoiselle.

Here, look at this.

This is a gift from a
friend of mine in Paris.

Here.

There. Now, smell that.

It doesn't smell so good.

What is it?

A cologne-scented tranquilizer.

Bun soil, mademoiselle.

I've got the number.

You'd better radio
in our position.

ILLYA: Right.

There.

Looks like a
Thrush field center.

I'd better call for some help.

We'll go upstairs now.

- No.
- Come, come, come.

- No.
- Let us not be difficult, come, come.

- Waverly will be here soon.
- I'd like to have the car checked out.

But U.N.C.L.E. did that
this morning at the garage.

A loose distributor cap.

You're a smart Russian.

- I'll signal you if I need any help.
- I'll wait here.

Drive carefully.

MAN: Hi there. How are you?

Hi.

Can you take a look under
the hood? It keeps dying on me.

Sure.

- Stalls out, huh?
- Mm-hm.

Let's see.

All right.

Ow!

- That will be all, Miss Raven.
- Yes, sir.

Miss Mandy Stevenson.

It seems we overlooked the
formalities of our encounter.

I am Victor Gervais.

I know you've had a very
trying day, Miss Stevenson.

May I relieve you of the
information you are carrying?

- What information is that?
- Oh, please, please.

Let us treat each
other with some respect.

After all, we are
both professionals.

That's true.

Now, you are carrying
a little list in some form.

And you are concealing
it in some manner.

I wonder what it looks like.

- Could I encourage you to show it to me?
- Oh, I, uh...

would really hate to disappoint
you. Maybe you shouldn't try.

I, uh...

saved this for the last
because it is most interesting.

A girl and her humidor.

Odd that a girl should
be carrying it, isn't it?

Well, it looks like a humidor.

The right size, at least.

Smells like a humidor.

What do you suppose it is?

A humidor.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

A discerning answer.

[GASPS]

Of course, if it is not the commonplace
everyday type of humidor...

it might be dangerous to
open unless one knew how.

Um... That is one
way of looking at it.

Would you oblige me, please?

Oh, no, I don't know
how to open it either.

See, that humidor
belongs to a friend of mine.

He just lets me carry it.

A most difficult decision.

- What are you gonna do?
- Gamble with our lives.

I'm going to open your humidor.

You have lost your
amusement value.

I'm afraid you know the next step.
Please give me the information.

It won't work, Mr. Gervais.

And let me warn you, I
don't crack under pressure.

Not at all?

Not noticeably, no.

We shall see.

I'm afraid we must
start by searching you.

Oh, boy.

Just a second.

Let me look at your lube record.

Give me a closed
channel, please. Code D.

Mr. Solo?

He'll have to call
you right back.

Mr. Solo's in trouble.

We'd better hurry.

Mister.

Here's your trouble,
right over here.

Take a look at that.

Your distributor
cap's loose. See?

Where is she?

Where is she?

Upstairs.

All right, now solve the
mystery. How do I get up there?

Comfy?

I couldn't be better, thank you.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah, I'm all right, thanks.

I'm just so sorry, Napoleon. I've
done nothing but make mistakes.

There's no reason to feel
that way, it's not your fault.

MANDY: That's sweet
of you, but it is my fault.

There's a man
loitering down the street.

We've been watching him. I
think he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Yes, I know.

We have not found anything
on either of these two.

We should take them to headquarters and
take advantage of their sophisticated...

question-and-answer facilities.

Your friend looks very
lonely out there, Mr. Solo.

Waiting for
reinforcements, no doubt.

Mr. Vamer, you
might go downstairs...

and see if you can arrange a little
surprise for our expected guests.

Uh, a surprise?

Yes, Mr. Vamer. A surprise.

It'll be a pleasure.

You're making a mistake.

I just thought you'd
like to know that.

How is that, Mr. Solo?

Miss Stevenson isn't a courier.

She's simply a decoy.

Just a smoke screen
to cover the real courier.

You do not expect me to believe
that, so consequently, I will not.

Miss Stevenson happens to be a
translate! In our Portuguese department.

You don't really think
that we would entrust

her with such important
information, do you?

If you gave me the information
now, I will set her free.

If not, she will have to
come with us to headquarters.

You will come in
any case, of course.

Of course. I was
counting on that.

Perhaps you would like
to be truly noble, Mr. Solo.

Save the young lady's
life. Convince her.

Oh, thank you, Napoleon.

But I'm not going to give him
anything. No matter what does to me.

So don't look so smug.

I accept your decision.

Now you must excuse me.

I must welcome your rescuers.

You don't have to do
this. You know that.

Let's not kid ourselves.

The minute I give him the
microdot, he's gonna kill me.

- Believe me, I know the type.
- What did you do with the microdot?

Hey, you two.
Knock off the talking.

Temper, temper. Shame, shame.

Just exchanging a few
little trade secrets here.

Now, this may seem a little
crude to you but it'll work.

The wire will detonate the
explosive and the gasoline.

How large will the blast be?

We'll close off the
wall and open the door.

The force of the blast
will go out into the street.

We'll be all right upstairs.

You won't feel a thing.

Now, all I have to do is press
the alarm button upstairs...

- and surprise.
- Surprise.

She's in that building.

- Where's Mr. Solo?
- He went inside the garage.

I'll give them enough time to get
inside before I explode the gasoline.

I think you have actually
succeeded, Mr. Vamer, so far at least.

Miss Raven, I think you
should better join the rest.

Get ready.

- Don't do that.
- Help!

Help me.

Of course you're not serious.

Deadly serious.

You are hardly in a
practical position, Mr. Solo.

Do you really think you
can fire accurately that way?

SOLO: Oh, I hate to count
how many times I've done it.

That's far enough.

Offhand, I would say you were aiming
a little high and wide and to the right.

Well, does anyone ever tell you
that you're a very large target?

Perhaps.

Well, how about that?

Oh. Oh!

You're wonderful, Napoleon.

Yes, I am, aren't I?

It's astonishing.

Get that man out of the window
before he commits a nuisance.

- Are you all right, Miss Stevenson?
- I'm a little bit homesick.

Other than that, I'm fine.

Can you release
them, Mr. Kuryakin?

Yes, sir. I have a key.

Well, you two seem to
have had quite a busy day.

Yes, as a matter of fact we've
managed to keep quite busy.

How did you manage it?

Smart American.

We've got them all rounded up. The
security truck will be here any minute.

Very good.

Well, Victor...

it's been a long time.

I look forward to
talking to you at length.

I will admit only one thing.

Any organization with
agents like Miss Stevenson...

Well, I must concede
you have something there.

You seem to have
caused quite a sensation.

- Have you still got the microdot?
- Oh, yes, sir.

WAVERLY: May I have it, please?
- Yes. Um.

There's a tweezer with
my things on the table.

Okay. Here we go.

There, I put it inside my
contact lens for safekeeping.

Most inventive, I must say.

Would you think so, Mr. Solo?

Was...

that the lens I found for you?

Small world, isn't it?

And to think I've been
abusing poor Mr. Vamer.

It's a long, hard day.

Well, now really you can't
expect too much sympathy.

You should have known better than to
take on an organization like U.N.C.L.E.

But it was not quite a fair tight with
you on their side, Miss Stevenson.

But at least it
brought us together.

Maybe next time it will be
on my grounds and my terms.

Well, that's very sweet of you.

Mr. Gervais.

Goodbye, mademoiselle.

It's been somewhat
of a pleasure.

Gentlemen.

Mr. Kuryakin.

- It seems we're back to you.
- Yes, sir.

It all turned out rather well I
thought, don't you think so, Napoleon?

Well, we got Gervais.
That is worth something.

But that's not
everything, Mr. Solo.

You gentlemen are forgetting
something most important.

My humidor.

Miss Stevenson, on your
way back to the office...

Um, if it's all the
same to you, sir...

I just feel so anxious to get back
to my Portuguese weather reports.

Why, yes, of course.

A mission of this importance should go
to someone with special qualifications.

Mr. Solo.

Yes, somehow I feel
it is coming to me.

[ENGLISH SDH]