The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Finny Foot Affair - full transcript

[GUNFIRE]

[GRENADE EXPLODES]

[GRENADE EXPLODES]

[TAPPING IN CODE]

Excellency.

[GRUMBLES]

We have been careless...

and U.N.C.L.E. arrives
before us, equipped to act.

I want this parcel or whatever it
is that was taken from the doctor.

- See that the helicopter is intercepted.
- Yes, Excellency.

Tomo, go to London. Be my eyes.



Yes, Excellency.

[GUNFIRE]

[GUNFIRE]

[GUNFIRE]

- Are you all right?
- Yes.

But please hurry back to
London. I don't want to miss lunch.

Not only must I contend...

with a preposterous science-fiction
puzzle of an island of dead people...

but I have to fly over here to find out
why two of my agents were attacked...

on what was supposed to
be an ultra-secret mission.

- Sorry.
- Are you sure you saw no living person...

friendly or otherwise,
during your investigation?

No one.

What do you make of it?



Plague?

Or some man-made catastrophe?

Well, I would rather let
our laboratory answer that.

- The village?
- Totally destroyed.

WAVERLY: How's that wound?
- It's insignificant.

The two items. The
investigation of the vehicle...

and the two men who attacked
Napoleon and myself has revealed nothing.

Apparently, they went to great pains
to remove every shred of identification.

Item two. They are ready to
begin the closed-circuit examination.

Well, let's get
on with it, then.

PARKER [OVER TV]:
"To the highest authority."

Decontaminate this and
take it directly to Mr. Waverly.

Hello. What have we
got ourselves here?

A Pinnipedia Otaridae.

Pinnipedia, "finny footed."
Otaridae, "having ears."

In layman's terminology,
a common eared seal.

But an autopsy in
detail is indicated.

Has he finished with
that infernal poking about?

I, uh, think so, sir.

Yes, sir.

Uh, gentlemen, we have
here a most unusual seal.

This little fellow's last meal was
a feast of blue-gilled sardines.

A very uncommon variety,
found only on the coast of Norway.

An uncommonly long journey
for a little fellow on a full stomach.

[OVER TV] However,
the most peculiar fact...

is that although he is
unmistakenly a young seal...

he unquestionably
died of old age.

Old age?

That's interesting. The people on
the island, they were all very old.

PARKER [OVER TV]: Gentlemen,
we all know that all living beings...

are born with certain antibodies
to combat the aging process.

We also know that these antibodies
are only capable of retarding...

or slowing down,
that aging process.

[OVER TV] That is why some
men live to be over a hundred...

while others die,
say, at 2, 10 or 20.

But this little seal was
infected with some culture...

that completely destroyed his
ability to fight this aging process.

[OVER TV] And he lived a
full life in a matter of days.

I will verify these
findings in more detail...

after I have been able to
discover what that culture is.

The letter attached to the carton, it
should be decontaminated by now.

Unknown cultures, young
seals dying of old age.

All these scientific mumbo jumbo
instead of a simple logical explanation.

Maybe there is one, sir.

Now, the seal was found off
the coast of these islands...

which could be anywhere from
200 miles to a thousand miles...

from the coast of Norway...

depending on where he stuffed
himself with the blue-gilled sardines.

Now, what if something poisoned
him and he was carried dead...

back down along the coast of Norway
by the gulf current right to these islands?

I take it, then, you think this
plague or infection or whatever it is...

started in Norway.

SOLO: Well, it had to
start somewhere, sir.

Interesting, Mr. Solo,
but unsubstantiated.

- The letter.
- What does it say?

It's from that
Dr. McDonald on the island.

It seems a herd of those seals washed
up on his beach a week ago, dead.

A few days later, the
people started dying.

The doctor seems convinced that the seals
carried some unidentified infection...

which transmitted itself to
the island's entire population.

That's a remarkable similarity to
our own laboratory's theory, isn't it?

Mr. Solo, you're
to go to Norway.

Find the source of this infection
and secure it or destroy it.

And me?

You, Mr. Kuryakin, will
stay here and recuperate.

Act as liaison for Mr. Solo.

I must return to pressing
matters in New York.

Recuperate.

That's an order.

PORTER: Look out, there.
Look out. SOLO: Whoa!

Wouldn't wanna ruin a nice jacket
like that with a flying suitcase, would we?

Gee, you saved my life.

Well, let's just say I saved
you a bump on the head, okay?

You could have cost me my job.

You watch where you're going.

I think that's pretty good advice
for all of us to follow, isn't it, friend?

Oh, well, if you say so.

May I help you, sir?

Uh, yes, as a matter of fact, you can. I
have a reservation for Bergen, Norway.

- Oh, I hear it's lovely.
- I couldn't agree more.

[CHUCKLES]

Solo. Napoleon Solo.

That's kind of a funny name,
but I guess I could get used to it.

Mine's Christopher Larson.

Hi, Chris. What do you
mean, "get used to it"?

Well, I mean if we
were gonna be friends.

- Oh, you're going to Norway also?
- Mh-hm.

I'm going to Norway to
visit my grandparents.

Uh, my mama's back
in New York alone.

She's a widow, a
very pretty widow.

That's nice.

CHRISTOPHER: She's
also a very good cook.

Oh, uh, you aren't
married, are you?

Uh, no, Christopher,
I am not married.

- You can call me Chris.
- Okay, Chris.

- Here you are. Have a pleasant flight.
- Thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I've got a little
business to attend to before I take off.

See you on the plane.

I'm sure you will.

Excuse me, miss, I'm afraid
there's been a terrible mistake.

You see, my grandmother
purchased this ticket for me...

and she's awful hard of hearing
and not too used to buying tickets.

I'm going to see my mother
and Mother's in Bergen, Norway.

But this ticket's for New York.

Didn't I tell you? It
was a terrible mistake.

[SIGHS]

[RADIO BEEPING]

[STATIC OVER RADIO]

This is Solo. Clear.

Napoleon, I have some rather
bad news for you to start your trip.

One of our agents in Norway,
Olaf Nelsson, has been killed.

- Do we know who did it?
ILLYA [OVER RADIO]: No.

But we have reason to
believe it concerns your mission.

Before he died, he managed
to smuggle something to us.

It's, uh, like a ring for the finger,
except it's too large, of course...

and it has a rather
bizarre design on the top.

What kind of design?

ILLYA: Well, frankly, I
can't make head nor tail of it.

It resembles one of your
abstract pieces of art.

As I recall, Olaf was
not the artistic type.

Well, see what you make of this.

"Marry the maiden."

SOLO [OVER RADIO]: I
beg your pardon, I'm sorry.

Inside the ring there was a piece of
paper. It simply says, "Marry the maiden."

Well, it doesn't
register with me.

ILLYA: Since it came from
our agent in Stromberg...

it could well pinpoint
your present assignment.

Try the village of Stromberg.

I'm sending Henderson
to the airport with the ring.

If your plane gets
away before his arrival...

he'll follow you on and
meet you in Bergen. Out.

Hi, Mr. Solo.

Anyone ever tell you what could
happen if you sneak up behind someone?

Usually, it scares the liver out of
them. But you didn't even flinch.

Well, I owe it all
to clean living.

Yeah, my mother is always
telling me about staying clean.

Yeah, I had a hunch we'd get
to your mother sooner or later.

Yeah, she's an awful good-looking
widow. You wanna see her picture?

Chris, listen.

- Come here. I want you to do me a favor.
- Well, sure.

Okay. I wouldn't tell this
just to anyone, you see...

but, uh, I am an
international spy.

- You are?
- Shh! Shh, now.

And I'm being chased by
a band of diamond thieves.

CHRISTOPHER: Wow.

SOLO: Now, I want you to
help me get out of here alive.

- Yes, sir.
- Okay.

You see the doors to the
baggage area over there?

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

In a moment, a short
fat man in a trench coat...

with a black patch over his
left eye may try to sneak in here.

I want you to position
yourself at that door...

and keep a sharp eye
open. Any questions?

- No, sir.
- Okay.

Carry on.

Get the ring.

Out there.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Be a good lad and give
this to your friend, Mr. Solo.

- Oh, but you're...
- Oh, don't...

Mustn't create a fuss, now. Let
it be our little secret. Go, boy. Go.

TICKET AGENT [OVER
PA]: Attention, please.

Final call. Passengers for Bergen,
Norway on Flight 316, Gate 4.

Final call.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought, uh, we were supposed
to be traveling companions?

Mm-hm.

Well, would you like to, uh, show
me the picture of your mother?

I don't guess so.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Uh, if you, uh, change your
mind, I'll be right up front there.

Mr. Solo.

I, uh, kind of told you a
little story back at the airport.

What kind of little story?

- Well, it wasn't exactly the truth.
- Oh?

- Yeah. But you did the same thing to me.
- I did?

Well, you said the man was short and
fat and wore a patch over his left eye.

Well, he didn't
look like that at all.

What man?

The man who gave
me this to give to you.

And he had a beard.

I saw somebody stab him.

- Anyone see him give this to you?
- I don't think so.

[CHUCKLES]

He's good, old what's-his-name.

I tell you, looks like
he fooled you too.

He's always pretending he's stabbed,
it's a kind of a little joke with him.

But I saw blood.

Uh-uh. That's ketchup.

He carries this little tube
around with him and he uses it...

every time he wants to play
a little joke on somebody.

Ah, when we get to Norway, let's
not even mention it to your mother.

She's not in Norway.
She's in New York.

She's what?

That's kind of part of the
little story I was telling you.

I kind of fibbed a
little. I turned it around.

I was going home from visiting
my grandparents in Scotland.

[SIGHS]

You said you like jokes.
Here's a real neat one.

[WHIRRING]

What am I gonna tell my mother?

You'll think of
something, now move.

I'm getting you a one-way
ticket back to New York right now.

Uh, on second thought, maybe
you better buy your own ticket.

- I'm in a hurry.
- Well, Mr. Solo...

I'm sorry, Chris, I'm
in a hurry. Go ahead.

Chris, uh, I've changed my mind.

I was hoping you'd come back.

Yeah, my friends are trying
to play another joke on me.

Let's just sort of fool
them this time, shall we?

- You stay with me, all right?
- Okay.

[MAN SPEAKING IN NORWEGIAN]

Yes, I think was, uh,
first in line here, actually.

SOLO: Yes, I understand. We'll
work it out. Don't worry about it.

There.

[CUSTOMS OFFICER
SPEAKING IN NORWEGIAN]

That was sure fun out at
the airport, playing spies.

Yeah, it's been a lot of laughs.

I hope you change your
mind about sending me home.

Well, as a matter of fact, while
you finish your fifth dessert...

I'm going to make a phone call
and take care of the arrangements.

Waiter, may I have
the check, please?

Do you have any gum, Chris?

- Sure, you want some?
- Mm-hm.

Thanks.

Shall we scare the waiter?

No. Not now. Not now.
He might, uh, drop his tray.

[COUGHS]

Thank you.

Chris, how good
are you at running?

Lickety-split, you wanna see?

No. Not now. Just,
uh, wait until I tell you.

Okay. Let's go.

Oh. Gee, I think I
forgot to leave the tip.

- Lickety-split.
- After them.

Here.

Stay here.

Okay. Up you go. Keep
going until you get to the airport.

- Still have the money for the ticket?
- Yeah.

Okay. Give my regards
to your mother. Hurry up.

[CHRISTOPHER GASPS]

TOMO: We have the boy, Mr. Solo.
Must we harm him or will you surrender?

Take me to your leader.

[DOOR OPENS]

In there.

Sit down, Mr. Solo.

I am General Yokura.

Oh, yes, yes. As a
matter of fact, uh...

we have a very interesting
dossier on your activities in our files.

Oh, I am flattered.

But I am also disturbed that U.N.C.L.E.
has sent you to probe matters...

which do not concern you.

As a matter, at the moment, I'm
rather disturbed about that myself.

What do you know of
chemical formula J47?

I never heard of it.

YOKURA: But you are aware of its effects?
- No. No.

Oh, come, Mr. Solo. That
island, the village you destroyed?

Oh. Oh, yes. Uh, those effects.

I dislike glibness.

Yes, I can see that.

YOKURA: We search for
the same mystery, you and I.

The source of the chemical
which infected the village.

Well, since we're on the
same, uh, Easter egg hunt...

let's make a trade, shall we?

I'll tell you what I know and
you tell me what you know.

For a man very close to death,
you are remarkably cavalier.

Well, let's see. Actually, I won't be able
to say anything after I'm dead, will I?

Very well, I will
accept your bargain.

Chemical J47 was perfected
by one of my own countrymen...

in a secret laboratory here
in Norway during the last war.

It is a formula which it
accelerates the growth rate...

by the destruction
of geriatric antibodies.

We also know he
made only one small...

but very potent quantity of
this chemical before he died.

Before he died?

YOKURA: My countryman apparently
suffered some romantic fantasies of guilt.

So he injected himself
with an overdose of J47.

He was 31 years old, but he
died of old age within 24 hours.

Well, I was hoping you'd
tell me something new.

I mean, we know all this.

Oh, then, perhaps,
you also know...

where my countryman
hid the last quantity of J47...

before he disposed of himself?

I never like to talk secrets unless I
have my friends gathered around me.

Where is Christopher?

YOKURA: You try my patience in a
most dangerous manner, Mr. Solo.

Another interest
thing about me is that,

under torture, I tend
to yell a great deal...

and reveal absolutely nothing.

It is just as well.

Children are nuisances.

Their energy is exceptionally
grating on the nerves.

You may have him.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You all right?
- Sure.

Well, you can see
the boy is unharmed.

Now, if you please, where
is chemical J47 hidden?

General, I really
can't tell you.

One of your agents, Olaf Nelsson,
made a similarly foolish statement...

before he died.

There was mention of a ring...

in a conversation you
had at the airport in London.

What is this ring, its
purpose? Where is it?

The secret is in that
little black box over there.

This?

Yes. There's a secret compartment
there. You have to push that lever.

But it...

[WHIRRING]

Freeze.

Chris, get that stuff off the
desk and put it in the bag.

Now, general, you will
escort us out of here.

Now, we're going to march
in four-four time. You lead...

Chris'll follow...

and I'll keep my eye on the
attractive stag line in the rear.

Get the door, Chris.

All right, gentlemen, stay back.

Chris?

Chris.

Coast clear?

What are you doing in there?

You told me to wait out
here and stand guard.

- In there?
- I saw it done in the movies.

That's the movies.
Now you're going home.

But if I leave without you,
you'll never get to meet my mom.

- You'll like her.
- I'm sure I will.

Sometime when we
have time. Now let's go.

What if those men
are watching for us?

Have you ever heard
of being inconspicuous?

I make a lot of noise, trip
over things sometimes.

Chris, it's time to end the
game. You're a big boy.

And you know now this is for
real. And I want you safely out of it.

Okay, but those people, they were at
the airport looking for us when we landed.

They're out there now, watching
for us to sneak out, won't they?

They don't really
care about you.

But they can use me to
catch you again, ain't that true?

Isn't that true?

I knew you and Mom could get
along. You can help me on my grammar.

Now, please take me with you.

Well, I guess I can't have you
wandering around by yourself.

Right. Now, where
do we go from here?

To Stromberg, to find out what
it takes to marry the maiden.

[DOG BARKING]

[SIGHS]

Why'd we come all
the way down here?

- I'm looking for something.
- What?

I don't know.

Well, then how can you find it?

I'm not sure.

Boy, sometimes being a
spy doesn't make sense at all.

- I know. You're looking for clues.
- Uh-huh.

- How about footprints?
- No.

- Tire marks?
- Mm-mm.

A trail of blood.

Really? Where?

I don't know. It just sounds
like something good to look for.

- Marry the maiden.
- What's that mean?

It's a clue a friend
of mine gave to me.

- Marry the maiden, huh?
- Yeah.

- Hey, wanna see a picture of my mom?
- Later.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Hey. Here, boy.

[CHRISTOPHER WHISTLES AND CLAPS]

Here.

Here.

Marry. Third finger. Left hand.

CHRISTOPHER: Here, boy.
Here, boy. Come on. Come on.

Maiden of Norway. Marry
the Maiden of Norway.

- Yeah, got it.
CHRISTOPHER: Can I see?

All right, come on.
I'll boost you up.

Hey, wait. What's this
on the back of your pants?

CHRISTOPHER: What?
- Looks like a gift from General Yokura.

Probably put it on there
when you were tied up.

Let's see exactly what it does.

[HUMMING]

A, uh...

- A subminiature short-range oscillator.
- Huh?

It's a baby radio
station, Chris.

Sends out a special high frequency,
has to be picked up by a special receiver.

As long as you're wearing it, the
general can track you anywhere.

- He might be around here somewhere?
- He is around here somewhere.

Someplace out of sight
where we can't see him.

We gotta throw
him a curve and fast.

Hey, boy, come here. Come here.

Okay.

Okay, get the ring.

All right, come on. We're
gotta get out of here. Come on.

[HUMMING]

They've moved
away from Nelsson's.

What are you gonna do with him?

Not what I'm gonna do, what he's
gonna do with Yokura's receiver.

Come, boy. Come
on. Go get it, boy. Go.

Okay. Quick, before
he comes back.

Well, where are they now?

Now they're moving off
again in a different direction.

- Shall we move in, Excellency?
- No.

Keep them under
radio surveillance.

Perhaps, before we destroy them,
they will lead us to chemical J47.

CHRISTOPHER: Here's the rock.
- That's where the maiden pointed.

Gee, there's a cave.

Stay back. Don't
come any closer.

What is it?

See that yellow streak
heading from inside the cave?

Down along here, goes down,
empties over the edge into the ocean?

Well, that's how you
infect blue-gilled sardines.

Infect them with what?

SOLO: Old age, judging
from that skeleton.

That streak's all dried
up. Is it still dangerous?

Not now, but if there's any
left inside in liquid form...

You stay there.

Mr. Solo, be careful.

Please?

I shall be a study in caution.

Hey, Mr. Solo,
are you all right?

Fine, Chris.

- Is it safe to come in?
- Yeah, come ahead.

It's either all been washed
out to sea or dried up.

Look who's here.

How do you like this? Pretty
smart, the way he found us, huh?

Oh, yeah, he's a
brilliant dog, all right.

Chris, I want you to get back
there while I have a look, all right?

YOKURA: There is no need
to look, Mr. Solo, for I am here.

Ah, so you are, general.

Well, I'm afraid it's
all been for nothing.

I hope not. That would
make me very angry.

I had intended that
you die quickly...

but if I have been put to
all this trouble for nothing...

Well, shall we see what has brought
you and your young friend to this cave?

Come, come, Mr. Solo. What
do you hope to accomplish?

We can sit out
here until you starve.

Well, I don't know. I might be
able to jump you after it gets dark.

If I were you, I'd go on
home. There's nothing here.

Oh? Not even one small
container of, say, J47?

It's too late, general.
It's rusted out.

The stuff drained into the
ocean and killed some sardines.

Sardines killed some seals and seals killed
some people and that's the end of it.

Container is empty.
Take a look for yourself.

YOKURA: Another trick, Solo?

You think you will shoot me when
I enter to examine the container?

No trick, Yokura, word of honor.

In a situation like this, a man's
word of honor is hardly sufficient.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CHRISTOPHER GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

All right. Tell him I'm dead.

He's dead, Your Excellency.

Very good.

[FALCO GRUNTS]

Now, let us see
what prize we have.

The prize, general,
is a Norwegian prison.

Well, what about you?

I thought it was the old Japanese custom
for the servants to follow the master...

by hari-kari.

You've got the
wrong century, jack.

Gee, that's wrapping it up.

Yeah, and I'm going to wrap you up
and deliver you personally to your mother.

- Oh, boy, you're gonna love...
- I know, I'm going to love your mother.

- Ah, welcome back, Mr. Solo.
- Thank you, sir.

Well, your message indicated you
achieved a most successful conclusion...

to our little business matter.

Wh...? Who's this?

Oh, this is my friend...

and co-international
spy, Christopher Larson.

This is Mr. Waverly.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- He's one of us.
- Oh, uh...

That's what I've been
thinking about all the way home.

- What's that?
- I know I've been awful anxious...

for you to meet my beautiful
widowed mother and all...

but, well, if you met and liked each
other, you might even wanna get married.

Oh.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, and, uh,
well, I like you an awful lot, Mr. Solo...

but I still gotta take
care of Mother first.

Well, she needs somebody
to be around a lot...

you know, to kiss and stuff.

Well, being a spy and all...

you probably wouldn't be able
to spend much time at home.

Well, that would make
Mother awful unhappy.

I see.

Well, so if it's all
right with you...

I'd like to shop around
a little more for a father.

Well, I am disappointed,
but I understand.

Oh, look, there's Mother.

- Where?
- Right over there, by the gate.

Goodbye, Chris. I think your
mother looks like a very fine woman...

and I want you to tell her I think
she has a very, very fine son.

Goodbye and don't forget,
I'll always be your friend.

And I'll always be yours, okay?

That's Mother?

Mr. Waverly, uh, perhaps I should...
After all, I am the boy's friend and...

Come along, Mr. Solo.

Mother is a boy's best friend.

[ENGLISH SDH]