The Magicians (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - The 4-1-1 - full transcript

The gang talks to a book; Tick threatens to drink some water.

Previously on "The Magicians"...

Everett's trying to squeeze out hedges.

This is just more of the same.



We're here to study with Mayakovsky.

- We hear he's crazy.
- You heard wrong!

So wait.

So you turned Mayakovsky into a bear?

I can help.

Just let me stay.

You saved my life. You can...
you can save my life 50 times.

It's not gonna change
anything between us.

Good-bye, Alice.

The Poison Room...

It's where we store books
too dangerous for the public.

You must seek the binder.

This was in the Mirror World.

And I heard you were looking
for the binder, so...

Holy shit.

Foremost saved them

with special weapons
that expel possession.

They call them ice axes,

and I'm assuming that's poetic license.

So we might have a chance to save Eliot.

But Hot and Dumb just wasn't getting it.

And that's when I told the Foreskin,

"Welcome to the New Desert Order.

It's gonna suck for you."

Wow. You really went through
a lot to get those axes.

Call them by their names...


- and Sorrow.
- Nice.

Where'd you get the axes from?


I'll tell it one more time.

So I'm all, "Welcome
to the New Desert Order."

"Gonna suck for you."

What's gonna suck?

Telling this story over again.

And so I was like,

"Welcome to the New Desert Order.

Gonna suck for you."

- What did I miss?
- I'm getting a smoothie.

You fuckers take this.

Seriously, you spent
that much time in the desert,

and this never occurred to you?

We're dealing with God-level monsters.

Who possess people.

Those axes pull the spirits out,

and then we bottle them up. Bam!

All he's saying is they're too powerful.

I doubt your bottles can hold that shit.

Those monsters are coming for us.

Make it work.

Okay, but how?

We could cast an incorporate
bond on the bottles.

Thank you.

I don't know what that is,
but I hate you less now.

It's a way to pin a being
or object in place.

It's like a fourth-dimensional

Mayakovsky was trapped
under one for years.

We just need to pin the monsters

to your bottles long enough
to get rid of them.

Great. Let's do that shit, then.

So who knows how to cast
an incorporate bond?

I did cast an incorporate
bond on Mayakovsky,

but I didn't write the spell myself.

So who wrote it?

Mayakovsky did.

He didn't know
I was going to use it on him.

He was the only person capable
of writing a spell

which he couldn't break.

He knows more things
about incorporate bonds

than anyone else does.

You wanted a spell to trap a god, yes?

Well... he's the real expert.

- But he's also a bear.
- Not exactly.

You see, once magic came back,
he was able to become human.

Again... much to his wife's dismay.

So where is he now?

He went back to Brakebills South?

- I mean, why?
- Brakebills isn't using it.

There's not enough magic
for the geese to make it.

I found that out the hard way.

Rest in peace, First Years.

So I guess we have to go down
there and talk to Mayakovsky?

Sounds like a plan.

You two have fun
talking to that old drunk.


Wait. Margo, Margo, hey.

I just... I... There's, um...

Things are still complicated
between me and Alice,

- and I... and I just thought.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm still rinsing desert
sand out of my twat, all right?

I'm not going to fucking Antarctica.

Grow a pair of tits, Coldwater.

Jesus, it's cold.

I forgot my scarf, so...

good luck with that.

If it makes you feel any better,

I don't want to be
alone with you either.

- I never said that.
- Yes, you did.

I heard you say that to Margo.

Let's just not start
by lying to each other.

Okay, look, I don't want
to be here, but we're here,

- so let's just get it over with.
- Quentin.



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Professor...



Mayakovsky did this to himself.

He designed a spell to swap
his present consciousness

with one from a different time.

He called it a timeshare spell.

So that's not our Mayakovsky.

Not mentally, no.

Based on these notes
and... and his current state,

I think he's from the future, where...

Mayakovsky has dementia.

- Great.
- Well, it was an accident.

He inverted two of the numbers
in the spell.

So how do we undo it?

He's the only one who can.

I don't think we can help him, Quentin.
We may have hit a dead end.

Unless I talk to him in the past.

You wanna steal Everett's book

from the Poison Room?

It's the only way
we can get ahead of him,

but I need your help.

Um, Penny died 'cause of going in there,

so, no.

I can get us in and out unharmed,

but protocol dictates

Librarians enter
the Poison Room in pairs...

for safety.

Fogg can do it.

I cannot leave Brakebills.

The Library has been up my ass.

They're even threatening to put
monitors in all my classrooms.

Henry has a point.
It would draw undue attention.

Oh, to the fact
that he's a fucking coward?

You don't get to be
a magician my age, dear,

without a very healthy sense
of self-preservation.



I mean, if this is a real language,

it is a dead one that nobody's
ever written about.

Well, maybe it's not
a language. Maybe it's...

Ow. Goddamn paper cut.

Cocksucking book bit me.

It did!

Why is this book suddenly blank?

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that writing there?

I can barely make it out.

My God. I think it's written
in Margo's blood.

It wants blood, I got blood.

- Is that...?
- Yep.

It's shark week.
You can thank my uterus later.

This is in Latin.

I can't cast.

Um, you better have a look at it.


Oh, come on.

And the Binder stood before them,

and as they stared, eyes full of wonder,

the Binder thought to himself...

"Took you long enough."

- He's in there?
- Yes.

And he's at an acquisitions meeting,

which should give us
enough time to copy it.

Okay, thanks. Check back with me later.

- Everett.
- Zelda.

- How was the meeting?
- Detailed.

I snuck out.

What are you doing here?

I was hoping we could talk...

in your office, perhaps.

Of course.

The Binder knew Julia
had many questions.

She'd been searching in vain

for how to reacquire her divinity.

He knew the answer.

Hey, what's with all

the third-person, past-tense bullshit?

The Binder had no idea
what she was talking about.


The Binder explained... he had answers,

but it would require they learn
how he came to be..

to be...

to be...

The Binder felt dizzy.

His book was a...

Oh, it was somehow...

it was somehow...

missing pages.

I think he's broken.

The fuck.

- When did this happen?
- I don't know.

He was talking normal a second ago.

Normal for him. My God.

What the hell?

Fen, Tick?

Guys, the weirdest thing just happened.

I was eating a biscuit,
not off the floor,

and I had a kind of vision.

Still good.

Last looks.

"Eating Out with Josh Hoberman,"

scene one, take one... marker.

I'm eating what?

But no one in Fillory has a TV

so why... am I questioning this?


Any baker worth their gluten
knows a biscuit

is only as good as its flour.

Add a drizzle of lavender-infused honey,

and trust me, you'd eat this
right off the floor.

The Winds of Fate...

they've come unseasonably early
this year.

I think this is a sign
that Fillory's in trouble.

Early Winds of Fate, Lorian
plants silencing the animals,

too many questing creatures...

Seriously, it sounds
like Fillory's ecosystem

is completely jacked
and not in a sexy way.

Interesting you should say that.

Not long ago, we imprisoned a Naiad

for committing moderate acts of
violence against some farmers.

She deboned one of them.

- Really great knife skills.
- Jesus.

Anyway, I recall her saying something

about Fillory's failing ecosystem,

but she was covered in guts, and
that's really hard to get past.

- Been there. Get that.
- Let's talk to her.


Hello, Ismenie.

I brought you some visitors today.

Oh! God!

Am I the only one getting "The
Ring"/"Grudge"-type vibes here?

She's a Naiad.

Why do you dry-skins torture me?

I came to you with a warning.

Yes, yes, you also attacked
several farmers.

That was my warning.

They were stealing my water...
an assault on my very soul.

She protects a well.

What if your blood lived
outside of your skin

and thoughtless things drank
it, bathed in it, peed in it?

Yes, well, I'm afraid we have
a few question we need to ask

about Fillory's ecosystem.

I told you all before, it is The Waters.

They are moving.

It is the fault of the Thirteenth.

The Thirteenth?

The thirsty Thirteenth.

He tried to capture us, dam us in.

Water should flow free.

What he built...
there is no excuse for it.

What did he build?

We're done here, dry-skins.

No, we are not done here!

Once you're there,

you can't do anything or say
anything to anyone that'll...

Risk changing the past.

I get it. I've been to the movies.

This is serious, Quentin.

The bridge between your past self

and your present self is...
is delicate. If you break it...

Look, as long as you wipe
past me's memory,

we'll be fine.

I have a Memory Charm ready to go.

We'll set the spell so it takes you back

to where we were at Brakebills South.

Just go straight to Mayakovsky's office

- and don't talk to anyone.
- I won't.

Alice? How did I get up here?

Alice, I...

Oh, um...

Oh, God. Alice...


Mm-mm. Alice, wait.

No, I just have to...

- What's wrong?
- No, no, no. It's fine.

Mm-mm. No, I just...

I got to...

What did I do?

Oh, you? No, no, it's me.
I'm the problem.

I, um...

Just... I forgot condoms.

So I'm just gonna...

What am I doing on the table?

Just stand still.

Whose clothes am I wearing?

Shit, there's no more magic.

Alice, what's going on?
How did we get here?

Uh, I heard that... sometimes Mayakovsky

randomly teleports students
to the lab for testing

to keep us on our toes.

Uh... okay, I hadn't heard that, but...

No, no, it's a real thing that he does.

Uh, look, there must be
some sort of test.



Yeah, we... we need
to tie these into knots

for magic purposes, like, for sure.

All right, I guess that could be worse.



Oh, thank Christ.
I didn't think I'd get through.

The phones here work off of
GPS coordinates, not numbers.

Well, you were close.

Listen, I don't have a lot of time.

We need your help.

Surviving first-year students...

I'm here...

To teach you...

what not to do.

Let's begin...

with a cloaking spell, shall we?

Which, unfortunately,
you will never do...

because... The Library,

they don't want you to know it.

Did you see that?

Now forget it, because if you learn it,

you'll be in very, very serious trouble.

Damn it!

Good God!

Cock shit!

Surely you didn't come here
just to gossip about Phyllis.

You don't think her perfumes
are a danger to the books?

I think she smokes and
doesn't want anyone to know.

But we all do.

It's good to see you smiling.

Been worried about you.

You seem distant lately.

I wondered if something had happened.

If anything were wrong, I'd tell you.

You would.

Well, I'm here for you.
You know that, right?


Sorry to interrupt,
but there has been an incident.

It's Fogg.

Perhaps it's time
for someone to talk to him

- who isn't a friend.
- Of course.

- Thank you for the tea.
- Mm-hmm.

Where the hell did Margo go?

I thought she came in here.

What's with the honeymoon suite?

Huh. That was, uh...

You didn't do that, did you?

I can't do that.

Okay, seriously?


- Margo?
- Aah!

Some weird-ass ghost
shoved me in a closet.


I can see your non-corporeal
panty-sniffing ass

with my goddamn fairy eye.

- Ghost?
- Or whatevs.

He keeps shaking his head.

I can't hear you.

Keeps pointing at you for some reason.

Penny 23.

Isn't this just berries?

I'm here because you changed
my life, Penny.

I mean, not you, Penny 40.
But basically you.

When he died/became
my astral best friend...

- Yeah, I seriously doubt that.
- Oh, my.

You sound just like P-40
right now. Whoa.

Can we get to the part where you explain

- why you're here, please.
- Welp.

You guys are my favorite characters.

Only you disappeared.

So I left Brakebills
to find out what happened.

And when I did, hoo-boy,
this plot was a mess.

You mean my life?

And I realized: I'm done watching.

I want to participate.

And you... the other you...

great twist... showed me how to do that.

Turns out I can be stuff

at a level I never imagined possible.

Is that why Margo is tied up
in the closet and...

you're lighting candles,
playing sexy music?

Patience, Kemo Sabe.

I'll get there.

Yeah, that's offensive.

But I thought you were Indian?

- What?
- Anyhootch, I had a thought.

I... I mean, in my day, you two
would sip a little giggle water

and get a wiggle on,
but instead we're just...

waiting. Yawn.

You mean all this insane shit
that is happening

is to get me and Julia to hook up?

I mean after that little
naked interlude in Fillory...

- You watched that?
- Yeah.

I know a true thing when I see
it, buster, and you're it.

Listen, Hyman, if you stole
the pages from the Binder

we need them back. Now.

Or I will sick Margo on you.

Maybe I overstepped, but...

you just gotta understand I see
what you and Julia keep doing

and I worry about the both of you.

What are we doing?

You both sacrifice
your own joy to help others.

Julia gave up all that power, and you...

I mean other Penny died because of it.

Yeah, when I think about it,
it's a sad twist.

You can't blame me for wanting
the two of you to be happy.

'Cause you will never do it
for yourself.

Hey, wet-n-wild, you said
everything's the fault

- of the Thirteenth...
- But all mention of him

has been stricken from the archives.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist,

but I'm workin' on a theory

there might be a conspiracy.

Somebody erased this guy magically.

But you know his name, don't you?

I will not speak it.

Oh, yes you will.

Wait, what are you doing?

I went all the way to your well,

and if you don't tell us
what we need to know

I am going to drink it
and then I'm going to pee it

and then Josh is going to drink it.

Yeah! Wait, what?

- You monster!
- Tick, you can't do this.

Dude, yeah, that's sort of like torture.
I thought we were against that.

We are.

She's the only one who knows the name

of the Thirteenth King,
and she is gonna tell us!

Please, please! You can't!


Ram's bottom, what was it...

The Thirteenth, the Thirteenth...

It's Roderick! "Thirsty Roderick,

"Thirteenth of his line, always liked

to have a good time."
Oh, my God, you're right.

- About what?
- A nursery rhyme.

I've been trying to remember it all day.

We used to sing it
while playing Bearskip.

It's a children's game, sort
of like Fillorian hopscotch.

- Involving bears?
- Ideally skipping them.

"He hides his drinks
from his many daughters."

"Builds a cistern to hoard the waters."

"Underneath the castle fair."

"If you jump, you'll skip the bear!"


Your nursery rhyme
used the word "cistern"?

Well, how else are children
supposed to learn

about underground water
containment systems?

- You people are sick.
- Wait.

He built underground water
containment systems?

Ismenie, you said:
"The Waters, they are moving."

But were you really talking about water?

She's always talking about water.

Unless she's talking about magic.

A huge reservoir of magic,
hidden underneath the castle

that could be what's causing
all the stuff we're seeing.

Wait. Wait.

I think I know how we can get to it.

Follow me!


God, it hurts!

An incorporate bond?

Why do you suddenly need to know this?

Uh, it's just something that
I've been wondering about.

You're serious?

You could be having fox sex

with your partner, the better magician.

I realize that.

She could do incorporate bond.

And she's chosen to have sex
with you for some reason.

You should be having as much
sex with her as you can

before she realizes.

Thank you for the relationship advice,

an area that I'm sure
that you are an expert in.

Oh, little pushback
from B-minus student.

- I like this.
- I'm just saying...

there is something that you are
an actual expert in

- that I need to know about.
- Right.

You "need" to know how to cast
an incorporate bond.

- What is your discipline?
- What?

Your discipline, B-minus student,

or did you leave that back
in your tiny fox pants?

They tested me...

- inconclusive.
- Well, that is a problem.

Can't cast incorporate bond

without your discipline.

There's got to be some kind
of workaround.


Come back when you're fully-formed.

Come on. There's got to be something
that you can do. I need this.

Fine. Drink that.

This will help with the test or...?

It will kill brain cells.
I have plenty to spare.

You don't, but...

I don't want to drink alone.

So this is it, huh?

Before we go in, there's
a small matter of protection.

- Swallow it.
- What is it?


Don't chew. They have to go down whole

so they can eat any poison
you take into your bloodstream.

The bugs only last an hour,
so we need to be quick.

There is something
you're not telling me.

Uh, what? No, that's not true.

You're a very bad liar, B-minus!

More like D-plus on this.

And I don't have to tell you anything

until you tell me what you're hiding.

It's complicated.

You're from future, yes?


What is in there is older
than what is in there.

Yeah. Yes, fine. I am.

I... Not me... me, but my consciousness.

I came here to ask you
about incorporate bonds.

Why didn't you ask me in your time?

- I am dead or something?
- No.

Look, I can't tell you anything else.

I can't risk messing with the past.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I've seen "Back to the Future."


You want to fuck your mother in past?

- What? No.
- Why? She not attractive?

Look. I just can't tell you
any more about how I did this...

I already know. You use timeshare spell.

I've been working on it.

Clearly I must have finished it.

And don't worry.

Future is safe.

Everything you say is in the vault.

This vault.

I will definitely not remember

anything about this conversation

like most conversations
I have with students

like you, D-plus.

This basis for incorporate bond.

We are done here.

You never told me my discipline.

Repair of Small Objects.

- Really?
- Hope we did not ruin

your big plans after you get
back to your mysterious future,

Mr. Time Traveler.

Tell my older self...

well done.


Oh, shit.


What the hell, Q?

What did you cast?

Some sort of spell to make
your future self

take over your past self's body?

What happens that made
you have to do this?

I can't tell you that.

Well, can you talk
about what's happening with us?

Of course you can't.
Paradox rules apply.

I can't risk changing the past.

I could get lost forever.

- I could do a memory charm.
- Alice.

I know one that will erase
my memory for the last hour.

Okay. Yeah, sure. Why?

So we can talk about the way you
looked at me when you came back.

There was so much...


A lot of things have happened.

How bad?

Pretty goddamn bad.

What happens?

You, uh, get hurt.

We both do.

So would you rather I just stop this now

so that we never have to feel
the way you feel?

Look, you're a nice guy, Q,
for trying to warn me.

I'm not trying to...

But I'm not scared of the future.

I'm scared of losing this.

Maybe it's crazy and hopeless
where you live, but...

you know, maybe I never told you this,

but you are the best thing
that's ever happened to me.


when you go back,

just remember that, okay?

What do you think made
Mayakovsky so bitter?

- Huh?
- And, like, obsessed

with the vulpine sex
of his two students?

Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

No, no, it's totally normal.
He's a normal guy.

These are normal school situations.

Seriously, though, you think
that he would notice

if we stopped tying these knots?

Probably. We shouldn't.

Hey. Crazy idea.

What if we stopped tying the knots

and instead we...


- Um...
- Hm?

Ooh, yeah. We could do it on the table.


I don't... it's... hotter in my head.



Oh, sorry, Vix. You okay?

Yeah, no. I'm fine.

Mm. Yeah, you are.

That was nice.

- Alice.
- Yeah?

It's me. I'm... I'm back.


The Binder's story began in a place

known simply as... a Library.

You were a Librarian?

He did say it started in the Library.

I mean, it's fucking obvious.

He was studying

the limits of power.

His specialty was the magic
inherent in Gods.

Great. A puppet show.

The Binder had a theory.

When a being of great power,
such as a God, is killed

their energy is lost, but he
believed it could be preserved

by binding it to an object.

That object, in turn, could be bound

to a Magician of sufficient
training and preparation,

effectively turning
the Magician into a God.

Yeah, but every time
a mortal tries to kill

a God, all magic gets shut off.

The Binder politely reminded Margo that

not every story was about her.

So the binder is a catty bitch?

Mm. He continued.

It was a problem that perplexed

The Binder and his fellow Librarians,

but, as it turned out,

the Old Gods themselves
provided a solution.

Two siblings. Mistakes.

Born with the power of many gods.

They were created
with one unique quality

that made them essential
to this experiment.

They could not die.

So no matter what you did
to them it wouldn't trigger

the Old Gods to take away magic.

Without fear
of the Old Gods' retribution,

The Librarians were safe

to move forward with their experiment.

One of the Monsters was captured...

the older, more dominant one.

- The female.
- Natch.

The one left behind would be confused,

afraid, like a child.

Without his sister, he'd have
trouble even remembering them.

What did you do to the sister?

She was split into four parts.

Each part bound in a stone.

Each stone bound in a Librarian.

Bacchus. Iris. Heka. Aengus.

Those ballsacks.

When they were finished,

The Binder came to regret
what he had done.

But the New Gods he had built
were afraid of him.

He alone held the secret that
could make them human again.

And so...

They cursed him.

They turned you into a book.

Okay. That does kind of suck.

In that form, he became
something they could control.

Hide from the rest
of The Order, from history.

It was only by chance

that a young Librarian read his book

and was convinced

to hide The Binder in the mirror world,

where he hoped no one
would find him again.

Until word reached The Binder
of Julia Wicker,

and her quest.

He knew he had the answers she sought.

So he can help me become
a Goddess again?

He could take her in either direction.

The Godhood, or Humanity.

The choice was hers.

Either road would be painful.

He wondered aloud if she was ready.

You and me both.

The Binder knew she needed time

to consider which way to go.

But either way...

he'd need a favor in return.

He needed her to burn his book.

He did not want to be used again.

Like it was before.

I got it.

Do we have time for that?

First thing you learn in The Order

is how to speed read.

Everett's been lying to all of us.

It's just as we suspected.

He's been hoarding magic.

To do what?

To become a God.

And if this book is correct,

he succeeds.

The floor in this hallway is laid out

in the exact pattern
of a Bearskip board.

Now, that can't just be a coincidence.

Can't it though?

Just... jump forward three squares.


Not the dragon!

Watch the sloth!

- Now duck.
- Duck?

- There's a bear on your right.
- Seriously?

- That one got my leg.
- Okay!

Oh, no. Don't get me bear!

'Cause you successfully
"skipped the bear,"

you get to throw the sweetberry.

And I throw it at the last whatever?

The hibernation square.

Okay, jeez.

Ah! Yes! You did it.


That is... still good.

I say what again?

- Oh.
- Oh! Right. Right, right.

Honey or die!

- Where does it lead?
- Only one way to find out.


Perfect timing. We should return

- right between shift changes.
- That's good.

Is it weird I've had this
chocolate taste in my mouth?

As the bugs absorb more
poison the aftertaste changes.

It's when you taste mint
we're in real trouble.


It's locked.

Don't you have the key?

The key is for the other side.

Someone locked us in.

I have worse news.

I just tasted mint.


You think Hyman is right?

What he said about us?

God, I don't know if that man
has any fucking clue

what's going on, but maybe.

'Cause I've been thinking
about becoming a Goddess a lot.

How to do it without screwing
up like the other Gods did.

I don't know.

Maybe I should give some
airtime to the alternative.

Becoming human?

I mean being happy.


Pros and cons. You become a Goddess...

you get all powered up.

Maybe help in the fight.

You become human...

I get to feel things.

Yeah, like hunger.

And sadness and...

And this...

Was that a pro or a con?

I have a problem.

- She's dying.
- Who's dying?

My sister.

I found her a body, but...

it's not strong enough.

I need to find one that is...

more durable.

Like yours.

So Mayakovsky told you
what your discipline is?

Repair of Small Objects.

You did always excel at Minor Mendings.

I always thought
it'd be something cooler.

At least it's real.

Now you don't have to fantasize anymore

about who you are and lie
about who you wish you were.

You just... you just know it now.

And maybe you've always known it.

Show me.

How does it feel?

Like I helped it wake up and...

remember what it was before.