The Magicians (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
.
- Previously on
"The Magicians"...
- Q, I think this is it.
The Tale of the Seven Keys.
- Jules, this is our quest.
- Was there always
a keyhole right there?
[dramatic music]
- The eye can never be fixed.
- But you can't
spy on me anymore.
- You have a week's sail
back to Whitespire
to think about
what you've done.
- Alice!
*
- I'm sorry.
You called me too late.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He can't.
No, come on, Pen.
Don't, don't, come on.
Oh, no.
- Shit.
What the fuck
is happening?
- We have to do something.
Do something!
- Kady.
- Kady, he's gone.
- [whispers]
No.
- K--Kady.
Kady, I'm right--
[quirky music]
*
You need to hear me.
I was astral projecting.
I wasn't in my body
when I died--it died.
Damn it!
*
Damn it.
[screams]
Damn it!
*
- Q.
Hey.
- Hey, I, uh...
What's wrong?
- Um...it's...
It's Penny.
- [laughs]
- Oh, come on.
- [laughing]
I'm sorry.
Do you ever have, like,
an inappropriate emotional
response that you just can't--
Um...
- Why is nobody crying?
I saved all your asses
so many times.
Appreciate me!
- Well, I suppose someone
should say some words.
Yes?
- Okay, um, yeah.
We're here today
to remember the life
of a friend and student.
Uh, William Penny Adi--
Adi--Uh...
I don't really know how
to pronounce his last name.
- It's Adiyodi.
Idiot.
- Penny was complicated.
And I--I, uh, think
he probably hated me.
But, um...
- None of us really knew him.
Not even me.
That's how he wanted it.
So, uh...
All I can really say is, uh...
- I am so screwed.
[creepy music]
*
[buzzing and sparking]
Okay, come on.
Damn it.
Yo.
- Bodi, you down there?
- Shep!
I found one of them
soft ones you like.
- Don't burn it.
- Oh, the vellum feels nice
on my ass.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I need that.
- I got a surprise for you,
too.
Fresh meat upstairs.
- What's it been?
Two weeks since
we caught the Librarian?
Not much left but gristle.
[chuckles]
- You ate a Librarian?
- Hi, there.
- Eliot?
- Hello, kind strangers.
We were hoping to warm
ourselves by your fire.
- That's a bad move,
Eliot.
- What brought you
to the Neitherlands?
- Family vacation.
- No, I mean...
We got here using magic beans.
- We used a magic key.
- Right.
But there's no magic now,
so, um--so we're stuck.
Like you?
- That's right.
Fountains are all frozen over.
- We haven't eaten in days.
- Right, um...
If you had a--an extra
sandwich or something--
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Have a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, no, no.
No, Eliot, don't!
They're cannibals!
Oh, God.
- Thank you.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, that's--
don't eat that.
No, don't eat that,
please.
You're eating a dude!
- Mmm, it's not bad.
- Oh, man, seriously,
fuck this place!
- I can't believe
that he's gone.
I mean, we were never
really that close.
But I don't know, I--
I loved him,
I think.
It's just...
how come you never really know
how much you care about
somebody until they're gone?
I remember he used to let me
ride around on his shoulders.
Hmm.
- What?
- I loved that.
Were you close with your dad?
- Oh... [groans]
For fuck's sake.
- I saw him a few weeks ago.
It's crazy.
Um...the cancer that he had
was sort of...
inherently magical,
so magic went away, and...
He's, like, in remission.
Sorry. I didn't mean to,
um...
- No, it's good. It's good.
it's the one good thing
to come out of this.
- I didn't know when I was
gonna see you again.
- I had nowhere else to go.
After the burial, I can't be
in the same room as my mom.
- I mean, we could use
your help.
Finding these keys,
bringing magic back--
- Honestly,
I don't think we should.
- Okay, I don't really know
where to begin with that.
But, I mean,
for starters, I mean,
this is--this is our quest.
I sort of feel like
we were elected.
It's magic.
Jesus, Alice, I--
- You turn it back on,
what happens to your dad?
- [sighs]
- Sometimes
I want magic back
more than anything.
And sometimes I just...
I look around and--and see
what a mess we made with it.
Right now I just wanna be 23,
and not know what I want,
and not know what I'm doing.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
I just remembered,
I have to tell
Eliot and Margo about Penny.
- How?
Aren't they in Fillory?
[dramatic music]
*
- What are you doing?
*
[grunts]
That was super weird.
- Your Majesty,
if you would prefer,
we can put into harbor
at, uh, Broken Bay instead.
- When did you get
this sweet boat?
Man.
I miss all the cool shit.
- We don't have a choice.
If we sail anywhere
other than Whitespire,
the Fairy Queen will fly in
on the back
of some whimsical animal,
and she'll slit our throats,
or worse.
- A messenger bunny,
Your Majesty.
- Penny's dead.
Sorry.
- [whispering]
Penny's dead?
- Was he not already?
- What?
- I can't believe it.
- Thank you.
Fucking finally!
- He was my best friend.
- Okay, I mean,
all right.
- I guess I always thought
someday we were gonna bang.
- Me, too, girl.
Me, too.
[crickets chirping]
You know, I--I thought
we'd have normal problems.
Like, I'd look at other girls,
and you'd get mad.
Or you'd tell me a story
for the third time,
and we'd realize we have
nothing left to say.
But we don't get
normal problems.
I know what you're looking for.
Don't.
This is stupid.
What do you think
this is gonna solve?
You can't hear a word I say.
There is no point in me staying
here and watching you suffer
if I can't do a damn
thing about it, so...
I'm gonna go.
Try and find some way
to fix this.
Goodbye, Kady.
*
- Julia.
- [gasps]
- Help her.
Now.
- What?
- The hell?
- You're the only one who can.
*
What?
What--what happened?
[knocking]
[slamming]
- Oh, fuck.
- Jesus.
- Kady!
- Kady, come on!
- Um...
Oh...
*
- Kady...
Come on!
*
Come on.
- Please, Kady.
Wake up.
- [gasps]
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, baby.
Okay.
- [gags]
- Holy shit,
that was gross.
What?
You--you can see me?
.
- Hey, what's your deal?
- [laughing]
Sorry.
It's just,
you're talking to me,
and not through me,
and that's--that's
kind of huge, Penny.
- How do you know my name?
- Well, I've been watching you
and your friends
since you got here.
I'm Hyman. Cooper.
- Hyman?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Did that mean something
different when you were born?
- Wait, you--
you haven't heard of me?
The Pervert Ghost
of Brakebills?
I was a student here
in the 1920s.
A Traveler, like you.
I would practice Astral
Projection around the campus.
You know, pop into lectures,
the dormitories,
uh, showers,
you know how it is.
- Uh, no.
- And as a prank,
someone moved my body
while I was--
- Being a fucking pervert.
- And, yes, in their defense,
I was given several warnings.
But I never found my body.
You can't cast a locator spell
without actual fingers, so...
it must have died
without me in it.
- That's a bummer.
- Well, joke's on them.
'Cause now I'm a ghost.
So it's all peeping,
all the time.
- You know you're not a ghost,
right?
- Wha--I'm not?
- You were on the Astral Plane
when you died.
So was I.
Our minds were traveling.
Now they have no place
to go back to.
Look, ghosts have some
unresolved shit in this world,
so they relive their death
over and over.
Are you doing that?
People can see ghosts.
Ghosts can touch things.
I know, 'cause I've been
touched by a ghost, Hyman,
and it wasn't great.
We can't do that.
- Okay, Professor,
then how come
I can sit in a chair?
Why--why am I not
just falling forever?
- I don't know.
I don't make the rules.
Your ass just knows.
Look, didn't you--didn't you
figure all this shit out
100 years ago when you died?
I mean, haven't you
communicated with anyone?
I mean, tried to get a message
out that you're alive...ish?
- Believe me,
I tried everything.
For years.
It did not end well.
- What do you mean,
it didn't end--
- Shh.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Kady?
- Sleeping it off
in the infirmary.
- How did you know
to knock down her door?
- Just a feeling.
- Okay.
- They're my favorite pairing.
The--the tension
between them.
Friends for years,
but he's always loved her.
- You're in a bit of a research
K-Hole here, huh?
- Mm, yeah.
- It's cool.
It just reminds me of me.
- So, the second key--
So, the knight's daughter,
she found it in a sentient cave
that just kept
asking her riddles,
and wouldn't let her in until
it deemed her worthy.
It was very patronizing.
- Wait.
Why does that
sound familiar?
- Because Rupert Chatwin
found the same cave
in the first Fillory book,
"The World in the Walls."
He was being chased by
a belligerent cassowary.
- I remember.
- Right.
Um, so he finds this mountain
of treasure,
uh, but only takes one item.
- A golden key.
To bring to his friend.
- Right, that he met
during the war.
So, look,
if this story is real,
and he actually did
give him the key,
then I--I--
Jules, I think the key
is here on Earth.
- Seriously?
These two?
- You and Kady are great.
I totally ship that.
Alice is okay.
She's a bit of a Mrs. Grundy.
You know?
- I don't get that reference.
- Oh, Josh is my idol.
That man is a Vagician.
But Quentin, I mean,
the outsider let into the inner
sanctum of secret knowledge.
As someone born in 1902,
I find a heterosexual white
male hero very relatable.
Anyway, Quentin
is the duck's nuts.
- No, that cannot be
a real thing people said.
- So we should send
a message to Eliot.
- Shit.
Eliot.
[dramatic music]
*
- Oh, my God.
Oh!
[all gasping]
- Cannibals!
They're cannibals!
- I told you!
- Oh--oh, my God.
They made me...
eat a person.
- We should make
a deal with them.
- No.
You can't negotiate
with cannibals.
You can't give them
what they want.
- Well, can't we?
- No!
You're grounded.
We need to find
a way out of here.
On the Muntjac,
the Key created a door
out of nowhere
when we needed it.
- I don't see any doors
or places a door could be.
- Downstairs in the Library!
- You lied about the key.
- They lied first.
I couldn't risk them
taking the key from us.
- No, you lied to me.
You were never
collecting taxes.
- Uh, can we have this talk
when we're not being hunted
by cannibals?
- What is the key for?
- Fray!
- What does it really do?
- It doesn't fucking matter
if we can't find a door.
Wait, there are doors all over
the downstairs of the Library.
- No shit!
- I think that cannibal's
sitting
on the only entry point.
- Wait, they're coming!
- Run, run, run!
- Slow down!
I have wooden toes!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Hyman, where have you been?
- I went with them
to solve the mystery
of Rupert's golden key.
- Who cares?
- If they find all seven keys,
Penny,
then...
something good happens?
I missed a bit.
- [sighs]
- So the seven keys
from the story unlock magic?
- Oh, that's--
- We think that Rupert Chatwin
brought one back to Earth
and gave it to an American
soldier that he served with
in World War II.
His name was Lance Morrison.
And it turns out that
after the war,
Lance went to a magic school.
- Breakbills.
- Right.
So if there are any records
from the late 1940s,
maybe that can help us
find the key.
- My assistant's file cabinet,
bottom drawer.
- Thank you.
- Pardon the interruption.
- Can I help you?
- Wait a minute.
I know that guy.
- I certainly hope you can.
I'm here on behalf
of the Order.
At the Library
formerly headquartered
in the Neitherlands?
We need to talk about Penny.
*
Sorry to be blunt,
but did Penny die
a traumatic death?
Dean Fogg said
you were the one to ask.
- Yes, it was traumatic.
- That explains it.
Penny signed a contract
with The Order,
guaranteeing his services
in this life
and, well, beyond.
Curiously, his soul never
reported for service
to our Underworld branch.
- Then where is he?
- I'm right here.
- Likely in the process
of becoming a vengeful spirit.
Best to nip that in the bud
before his time is up.
- What do you mean?
- The soul is tethered
to the body
for seven days after death.
We can use that tether to yank
Penny's soul out from wherever
and send him on his way.
- How?
- Eat him, naturally.
Oh, sweetheart,
I'm not gonna eat him.
I'm a pescatarian.
The Order has retained
the services of a Corpse Eater
for situations such as this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no one is eating my body, okay?
I'm not fucking done
with it yet.
- Kind of a ticking
clock on this.
If the tether goes before
Penny's soul passes on,
he's right fucked.
The Corpse Eater needs
a tick to prepare.
She'll be here tomorrow
at sundown.
Oh, and you're welcome.
.
- The ghost children
at the Plover house
couldn't be saved.
But Penny still has his tether.
- I'm not a ghost!
- If he's a ghost,
shouldn't he be,
I don't--I don't know,
haunting us?
What if something else
happened?
- Yes,
something else did happen!
- It can take decades for
a spirit to become malevolent.
Corpse Eaters
are a rare creature.
If the Librarians
actually have one,
not just some sicko
who wants a free meal,
you should use it.
- But what if there's
a way to fix him?
To bring him back?
- Without magic?
- Julia has magic.
Okay, not much, but I--
It's just, I--I--
I can't wrap my head around
sending him to work for the
Library for a billion years.
I don't trust them.
- There you go.
Come on, Kady.
- The Underworld's not so bad.
Quentin says there's
a bowling alley.
And a billion years surrounded
by books sounds like Heaven.
- Damn it, Alice.
I thought we were bros.
- Aah, let go, let go, let go!
My God!
I was only trying
to follow the story.
- No, what Julia does
in the bath is not story!
- It is revealing...
of character.
- Listen, I need to talk
to Kady somehow today.
Okay?
Now, I don't give a shit
if it didn't end well
for you in the past.
You are going to help me.
Or I will cock block you
for the rest of time.
- Okay.
When I first got stuck
in the Astral Plane,
I spent months trying
to push things.
I never got anywhere.
Until I tried being the thing.
Uh...
[blows through lips]
Okay, focus on a penny.
Ha ha, get it?
'Cause of your name?
You get it.
Now, you're not gonna try
to move the penny.
You're gonna try to be it.
So--so pour yourself
into its shape.
Inhabit it
with your whole being.
Hmm?
Go ahead.
Be the penny.
- Okay.
I got this.
- Be the penny.
Just be the goddamn penny!
Penny, just be it!
- [stammering]
What does that even mean?
- You're getting confused
by the whole Penny thing.
Maybe we should have started
with a nickel.
- Wha--
- Huh?
Be the nickel!
- Maybe you shouldn't say
the same dumb shit
over and over!
- Oh!
I'm sorry,
but you're a dullard!
A real dunce, I say!
You are worth less
than a penny,
and a penny is worthless!
- [screams]
Um...
This is weird.
- [gasps]
You are the Penny.
- What do I do now?
I can't move.
- Well, how could you?
You don't have any feet.
- [grunts and groans]
- What are you--
what are you doing?
It sounds like you're pooping.
- [grunts]
- Holy zerts!
You did it!
[laughs]
- [gagging]
I still have the taste
of pennies in my mouth.
Wait, why--why don't I--
Why don't I just project myself
into my own body?
I know how to be that.
- The only reason
you're still alive
is because you were Astral
Projecting when you died.
So if you go back
into your corpse,
you'll just be...dead.
- I need something bigger.
I need something
that can talk.
- Yeah, uh, hey, be careful.
Controlling things with brains
is much harder.
- Be the bunny.
Be the bunny.
Be the bunny.
- It won't work.
Fairy Queen bitch
thinks she can break me
with a few days' time
out on Eliot's party boat?
- Your Majesty,
upon our return to Whitespire,
might I suggest a hot bath
to relax yourself?
- I can't, because that chalky
twat won't get out of my tub.
I keep waiting for Eliot
to come back.
But maybe he never will.
That bunny I sent him
was returned to sender.
For all I know, he's dead.
And him and Penny are blowing
each other in Heaven.
Now, when I get back...
I'm gonna fix this.
Benedict, you're gonna
round up the guards.
Tick, you're gonna go to that
fairy-repelling hallway
and you're gonna grind one
of those bricks to dust.
You're gonna put it in
the Fairy Queen's bath...
and when that knocks her
on her ass...
I'm gonna cut out her heart
and eat it
in front of every goddamn Fairy
asshole in the Kingdom.
- Damn.
Girl, you get shit done.
[groans]
And I thought Hyman
was a perv.
Be the Margolem.
Be the Margolem.
- Uh, um,
um, announcement.
You guys remember the Margolem?
Margo's doppelganger
made of living clay?
Since Margo's been gone,
I've been storing it.
You know, for safekeeping?
- Eww.
- That's problematic.
- It's not like that.
I just dress her up
and pretend she respects me.
Anyways, she's been out
of commission since magic died,
only...
- [groans]
- She woke up.
- Fuck.
- [groans]
- [grunts]
- [yells]
- [screams]
[screaming]
[screams]
- I told you
it wouldn't end well.
- You know,
I wish you weren't dead
so I could kill you.
- So, this Margolem
must've had
some residual magic
left in her.
- Or the living clay
she was made of
was a magical creature?
Uh, anyway,
while we have you here,
we found Lance Morrison's
Breakbill records.
Um, it says that he was only
a student for a semester.
But it also says
in this file that he left
because of a "code seven."
- Student suicide.
Or he magically exploded.
I don't know why they use
the same damn code for both.
- Okay, either way,
he died on campus.
So the key might still
be here, right?
- But it says he was living
in the West Dorm,
and there is no such thing,
so...
- That's because it's buried.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
- In the late 1940s,
there was a haunting
in the West Dorm.
At the time,
it was considered bad form
to have a ghost on campus.
Unlike today, where we put it
in the goddamn brochure.
- "That ghost"
is gonna kill them.
To death, Penny.
- So, the Dean buried
the whole dorm.
Magically protected
the entrances
so that students
couldn't find it.
- But magic is gone.
So we can walk right in.
Right?
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
It's not my problem.
- They're your friends.
- Who I can't help in any way.
You go figure some shit out.
- [scoffs]
I'm not going down there.
- What are you scared of?
You're dead already.
- You're so dumb, Penny.
Ghosts can hurt
whatever it is we are.
That one in the West dorm?
Terrorized me for a week.
- Wait a minute.
If they can hurt us, then--
then they can see us.
[spooky music]
*
- Hey.
Q.
*
[door hinge creaks]
*
- All right.
*
Um, excuse me.
Lance Morrison?
- Who are you?
Did my father send you?
You can tell him I am not
coming home for winter.
- Hey, ghost boy.
We need to talk.
.
- You need to tell them that
Penny is in the room with them.
- What are you talking about?
- Um...
- Well...
- No, I am not a bitch!
- Well, we don't think that.
- Right, no, of course.
Do you know anything
about a golden key
that maybe your friend
Rupert Chatwin gave you?
- Rupert?
[electricity buzzes]
- This place
is quite something.
- Nothing compared
to where you've been.
- He's in a ghost loop.
He's not even listening to us.
- I brought you something.
From Fillory.
Here.
Take it.
It won't hurt.
It just reveals the honest
truth of things.
Shows them as they truly are.
*
- I see.
*
- [laughs]
Damn it, Hyman.
This isn't terrifying.
It's just two dudes kissing.
You homophobic pussy.
[electricity buzzes]
- Lance Morrison.
You've been speaking
out of turn
about your mother's family.
You have sullied
the McAllistair name.
- All I did
was tell the truth.
- Truth can bury us.
- It's the key.
It's ruined everything.
- Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt
this little father-son moment,
but could someone please
just say the words,
"Penny is in the room"?
- Say it isn't true.
- Okay.
- You can't control yourself.
Don't blame the key
for your perversion.
[grunts]
- Whoa, dude!
Whoa!
*
- [choking]
- The key's in the dad's
pocket.
*
- I think he just...
- Oh, shit.
- [grunting]
[both grunting]
- I tried being nice.
You will say my name.
You say my name,
you ghost dick!
- What is your name?
That's not a name!
No, it isn't!
[screaming]
No, it isn't!
- Uh, Q?
I think we might have
broken this ride.
- No!
*
- The Library
has a Corpse Eater
that can help take him
to the Underworld.
- What's she saying?
What--What--
Fuck, stop signing!
- Burn his body.
- Burn his body?
- Oh, hell no.
- Then he'll be stuck there
for eternity,
turning into a ghost,
or--or worse.
- She says,
"Better than a slave
"to the people
who killed him.
For a billion years."
- Am I the only one that
knows that eternity
is a lot longer
than a billion years?
- [groans]
- Lance said his mom
was a McAllistair.
- Well, that would explain
how he got into Brakebills.
The McAllistairs are
on the Board of Trustees.
They're one of the oldest
magical families in America.
- Lance's father held the key.
I mean, he knew
how powerful it was.
That it would reveal truth.
It would show things
that were hidden.
So, he would have kept it.
Except that he would have
died by now, so--
- Wait, could you get us
into that house?
- Maybe.
Irene McAllistair's been
calling me every day
looking for a lead on magic.
[chuckles]
Perhaps if we could
give her something
that she really wants.
- Hey, have you been
paying attention
to Quentin's stupid key thing?
- [scoffs]
Have I?
- Yeah, great, shut up.
The ghost said it has
the power to reveal things
that are hidden.
I'm a hidden thing.
- [gasps]
Twist.
- Okay, tonight it'll be
seven days since I died.
If I don't contact Kady today,
she is either gonna
burn my corpse,
or worse,
give it to the Library.
I'm not getting eaten.
- You know, Q said
Eliot already found
one of those keys.
- Okay, simple plan.
We use the key to make
a Shadow Bat monster illusion
like that priest did
on that island.
We scare away the bad men,
we get to a book chute,
we find a door,
and we get the hell out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
*
- Please tell me
you can see me.
*
Jesus.
- Holy moly.
*
What have I done?
- Eliot, what the hell
are you wearing?
- Hi...Dad.
.
- Hi, Dad.
- This is your father?
- Hi, Grandpa.
- What is with everyone
and their daddy issues today?
- Dressed like that,
everyone's gonna know
you haven't worked
a day in your life.
- It's just an illusion.
- I didn't think you could make
a sailor's uniform
look gayer.
- My God.
- It's just an illusion.
- Eliot, you might be the only
person in the multiverse
more fucked than me.
- You're just an illusion.
- I wish I could help.
- Henry.
- How are you?
- Oh, it is so good to see you!
- [chuckles]
- I was so happy
when you called.
- Yeah.
Irene, these are my students.
- Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
Come on in.
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
- Okay, there's some real
"Beauty and the Beast"
kind of stuff happening here.
- I don't understand.
How is that possible?
- Well, the house's
enchantments run
on a reserve of energy that my
father built up over decades.
When he was a child,
there was a blackout
that lasted for months.
So he wanted to be prepared.
Please, come.
Follow me.
Unfortunately,
they won't last.
Most of the enchantments
have failed already.
Which is why I was so intrigued
by your call, Henry.
- Mmm.
- Would you like a martini?
Martini!
[shaking]
- Um, can I get
an olive in mine, please?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- So, which one of you
can do magic?
- Um...
Well, I, um...
So, before I knew about magic,
real magic,
I--I used to do a lot
of sleight of hand tricks.
So, it turns out that
I wasn't very good at it.
Um, I was cheating, um,
by using translocation spells
without really knowing it.
Uh, I don't know why, but, um,
those tricks still work.
- Or you have a squished olive
in your pocket.
[chuckles]
Fascinating.
Not at all useful, but, uh...
- I can do more.
Um, do you have
a deck of cards?
- [clears throat]
Uh, excuse me.
Where's your restroom?
[dramatic music]
*
[snaps]
- Holy shit.
[gasping]
*
- I'm sorry, Penny.
It's been six and a half days.
Time's up.
*
- Come on.
*
Come on, find it!
*
Come on!
*
Damn it.
*
- Kady, wait.
I just need more time.
- It's not too late.
- [gasps]
- Corpse Eater'll be here
any minute.
- Honestly, why do you care?
- He was my friend.
- He wasn't one of you.
- You're right.
I barely knew Penny.
*
I don't know where he was from,
I don't know about his family,
I don't know--I don't know
how he found magic.
*
But I know what it's like
to be trapped
and to totally lose control
of yourself and your life.
*
But in the Underworld,
he still gets to be Penny.
- Dammit, Alice,
I'm still me.
- It took everything I had
to try to save his life.
*
And then...
he died anyway.
*
And then, I--
and then I was relieved.
To be done.
*
If Penny was here...
*
If he could tell us
what he wanted...
*
But he's not.
- Okay, look,
they're both terrible options,
but if I had to choose,
please don't send me
to the Underworld.
*
- I know you don't want
the responsibility.
*
So don't take it.
*
Let me.
*
- No, Kady, please.
*
Be the candle.
Be the candle.
- I'll go get the Corpse Eater.
[rumbling]
[fire flaring]
- Penny...
.
- That's uncomfortable to hold.
It makes me feel like...
I don't know,
like I'm not really myself.
- Okay, then I will...
pass on touching it.
Oh, uh,
I checked the book.
Uh, so, you unlocked
chapter three.
Um, and it looks like the--
the next key
might be in Fillary, maybe.
[door creaking]
Um...
[slamming]
- [clears throat]
- Dean Fogg.
- Good morning.
- Yeah.
It is the morning.
- Irene sent her apologies.
Our little show did not
convince her last night.
We're out of time.
As of this morning,
the Board of Directors
put Breakbills up for sale.
The school will be closed.
I'm out of a job.
And I'd say you're evicted,
but I have no idea who
actually owns this building.
Uh, Quentin,
is this Scotch or Rye?
- Uh, rum.
- Excellent.
Well, carry on.
I'm going to go lie down.
- Well, look at it this way.
Uh, now we've both been kicked
out of Breakbills, so...
we've got that in common.
[crowd shouting]
- Holy shit.
[panting]
Thank Christ.
- Eliot?
- Hey.
- How did you--
Hey.
- Can I please have some water?
- Yeah, sure.
- Sparkling, please.
Gather 'round.
Story time with Uncle Eliot.
This story is called...
"Eliot did nothing wrong
but was chased by cannibals
through the befucked
Neitherlands anyway."
- Sorry, who's this?
- Oh, right, yeah.
Meet Fray.
Our daughter.
- I'm sorr--your--
Wait, your daughter?
- Please, hold your questions
till the end.
So, the cannibals blocked
our only point of egress.
Naturally, I resolved
to use the key,
which, in Fillory,
created illusions
of a terrifying monster.
- He made his father instead.
- No spoilers.
But, yeah.
What she said.
Turns out the key
creates illusions
of what you most fear.
Hence...
My dad.
I told my father that
the guys in the tent
didn't know the difference
between a tractor
and a backhoe.
So he went to
set them straight.
- You saying you--
you fed your--
your dad to cannibals?
- An illusion of him.
But yes.
It was very cathartic.
There was lots of screaming
on both sides.
But we snuck right past them.
- We found a key, too.
- Oh.
- Um...
- We've been--We've been
calling it the truth key
'cause it--well,
it reveals truths.
- Truths.
- I can handle a little truth.
[dramatic music]
*
I don't know.
I don't see anything.
Maybe it doesn't work on me.
Oh, hey, Penny.
- Wai--
- Previously on
"The Magicians"...
- Q, I think this is it.
The Tale of the Seven Keys.
- Jules, this is our quest.
- Was there always
a keyhole right there?
[dramatic music]
- The eye can never be fixed.
- But you can't
spy on me anymore.
- You have a week's sail
back to Whitespire
to think about
what you've done.
- Alice!
*
- I'm sorry.
You called me too late.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He can't.
No, come on, Pen.
Don't, don't, come on.
Oh, no.
- Shit.
What the fuck
is happening?
- We have to do something.
Do something!
- Kady.
- Kady, he's gone.
- [whispers]
No.
- K--Kady.
Kady, I'm right--
[quirky music]
*
You need to hear me.
I was astral projecting.
I wasn't in my body
when I died--it died.
Damn it!
*
Damn it.
[screams]
Damn it!
*
- Q.
Hey.
- Hey, I, uh...
What's wrong?
- Um...it's...
It's Penny.
- [laughs]
- Oh, come on.
- [laughing]
I'm sorry.
Do you ever have, like,
an inappropriate emotional
response that you just can't--
Um...
- Why is nobody crying?
I saved all your asses
so many times.
Appreciate me!
- Well, I suppose someone
should say some words.
Yes?
- Okay, um, yeah.
We're here today
to remember the life
of a friend and student.
Uh, William Penny Adi--
Adi--Uh...
I don't really know how
to pronounce his last name.
- It's Adiyodi.
Idiot.
- Penny was complicated.
And I--I, uh, think
he probably hated me.
But, um...
- None of us really knew him.
Not even me.
That's how he wanted it.
So, uh...
All I can really say is, uh...
- I am so screwed.
[creepy music]
*
[buzzing and sparking]
Okay, come on.
Damn it.
Yo.
- Bodi, you down there?
- Shep!
I found one of them
soft ones you like.
- Don't burn it.
- Oh, the vellum feels nice
on my ass.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I need that.
- I got a surprise for you,
too.
Fresh meat upstairs.
- What's it been?
Two weeks since
we caught the Librarian?
Not much left but gristle.
[chuckles]
- You ate a Librarian?
- Hi, there.
- Eliot?
- Hello, kind strangers.
We were hoping to warm
ourselves by your fire.
- That's a bad move,
Eliot.
- What brought you
to the Neitherlands?
- Family vacation.
- No, I mean...
We got here using magic beans.
- We used a magic key.
- Right.
But there's no magic now,
so, um--so we're stuck.
Like you?
- That's right.
Fountains are all frozen over.
- We haven't eaten in days.
- Right, um...
If you had a--an extra
sandwich or something--
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Have a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, no, no.
No, Eliot, don't!
They're cannibals!
Oh, God.
- Thank you.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, that's--
don't eat that.
No, don't eat that,
please.
You're eating a dude!
- Mmm, it's not bad.
- Oh, man, seriously,
fuck this place!
- I can't believe
that he's gone.
I mean, we were never
really that close.
But I don't know, I--
I loved him,
I think.
It's just...
how come you never really know
how much you care about
somebody until they're gone?
I remember he used to let me
ride around on his shoulders.
Hmm.
- What?
- I loved that.
Were you close with your dad?
- Oh... [groans]
For fuck's sake.
- I saw him a few weeks ago.
It's crazy.
Um...the cancer that he had
was sort of...
inherently magical,
so magic went away, and...
He's, like, in remission.
Sorry. I didn't mean to,
um...
- No, it's good. It's good.
it's the one good thing
to come out of this.
- I didn't know when I was
gonna see you again.
- I had nowhere else to go.
After the burial, I can't be
in the same room as my mom.
- I mean, we could use
your help.
Finding these keys,
bringing magic back--
- Honestly,
I don't think we should.
- Okay, I don't really know
where to begin with that.
But, I mean,
for starters, I mean,
this is--this is our quest.
I sort of feel like
we were elected.
It's magic.
Jesus, Alice, I--
- You turn it back on,
what happens to your dad?
- [sighs]
- Sometimes
I want magic back
more than anything.
And sometimes I just...
I look around and--and see
what a mess we made with it.
Right now I just wanna be 23,
and not know what I want,
and not know what I'm doing.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
I just remembered,
I have to tell
Eliot and Margo about Penny.
- How?
Aren't they in Fillory?
[dramatic music]
*
- What are you doing?
*
[grunts]
That was super weird.
- Your Majesty,
if you would prefer,
we can put into harbor
at, uh, Broken Bay instead.
- When did you get
this sweet boat?
Man.
I miss all the cool shit.
- We don't have a choice.
If we sail anywhere
other than Whitespire,
the Fairy Queen will fly in
on the back
of some whimsical animal,
and she'll slit our throats,
or worse.
- A messenger bunny,
Your Majesty.
- Penny's dead.
Sorry.
- [whispering]
Penny's dead?
- Was he not already?
- What?
- I can't believe it.
- Thank you.
Fucking finally!
- He was my best friend.
- Okay, I mean,
all right.
- I guess I always thought
someday we were gonna bang.
- Me, too, girl.
Me, too.
[crickets chirping]
You know, I--I thought
we'd have normal problems.
Like, I'd look at other girls,
and you'd get mad.
Or you'd tell me a story
for the third time,
and we'd realize we have
nothing left to say.
But we don't get
normal problems.
I know what you're looking for.
Don't.
This is stupid.
What do you think
this is gonna solve?
You can't hear a word I say.
There is no point in me staying
here and watching you suffer
if I can't do a damn
thing about it, so...
I'm gonna go.
Try and find some way
to fix this.
Goodbye, Kady.
*
- Julia.
- [gasps]
- Help her.
Now.
- What?
- The hell?
- You're the only one who can.
*
What?
What--what happened?
[knocking]
[slamming]
- Oh, fuck.
- Jesus.
- Kady!
- Kady, come on!
- Um...
Oh...
*
- Kady...
Come on!
*
Come on.
- Please, Kady.
Wake up.
- [gasps]
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, baby.
Okay.
- [gags]
- Holy shit,
that was gross.
What?
You--you can see me?
.
- Hey, what's your deal?
- [laughing]
Sorry.
It's just,
you're talking to me,
and not through me,
and that's--that's
kind of huge, Penny.
- How do you know my name?
- Well, I've been watching you
and your friends
since you got here.
I'm Hyman. Cooper.
- Hyman?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Did that mean something
different when you were born?
- Wait, you--
you haven't heard of me?
The Pervert Ghost
of Brakebills?
I was a student here
in the 1920s.
A Traveler, like you.
I would practice Astral
Projection around the campus.
You know, pop into lectures,
the dormitories,
uh, showers,
you know how it is.
- Uh, no.
- And as a prank,
someone moved my body
while I was--
- Being a fucking pervert.
- And, yes, in their defense,
I was given several warnings.
But I never found my body.
You can't cast a locator spell
without actual fingers, so...
it must have died
without me in it.
- That's a bummer.
- Well, joke's on them.
'Cause now I'm a ghost.
So it's all peeping,
all the time.
- You know you're not a ghost,
right?
- Wha--I'm not?
- You were on the Astral Plane
when you died.
So was I.
Our minds were traveling.
Now they have no place
to go back to.
Look, ghosts have some
unresolved shit in this world,
so they relive their death
over and over.
Are you doing that?
People can see ghosts.
Ghosts can touch things.
I know, 'cause I've been
touched by a ghost, Hyman,
and it wasn't great.
We can't do that.
- Okay, Professor,
then how come
I can sit in a chair?
Why--why am I not
just falling forever?
- I don't know.
I don't make the rules.
Your ass just knows.
Look, didn't you--didn't you
figure all this shit out
100 years ago when you died?
I mean, haven't you
communicated with anyone?
I mean, tried to get a message
out that you're alive...ish?
- Believe me,
I tried everything.
For years.
It did not end well.
- What do you mean,
it didn't end--
- Shh.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Kady?
- Sleeping it off
in the infirmary.
- How did you know
to knock down her door?
- Just a feeling.
- Okay.
- They're my favorite pairing.
The--the tension
between them.
Friends for years,
but he's always loved her.
- You're in a bit of a research
K-Hole here, huh?
- Mm, yeah.
- It's cool.
It just reminds me of me.
- So, the second key--
So, the knight's daughter,
she found it in a sentient cave
that just kept
asking her riddles,
and wouldn't let her in until
it deemed her worthy.
It was very patronizing.
- Wait.
Why does that
sound familiar?
- Because Rupert Chatwin
found the same cave
in the first Fillory book,
"The World in the Walls."
He was being chased by
a belligerent cassowary.
- I remember.
- Right.
Um, so he finds this mountain
of treasure,
uh, but only takes one item.
- A golden key.
To bring to his friend.
- Right, that he met
during the war.
So, look,
if this story is real,
and he actually did
give him the key,
then I--I--
Jules, I think the key
is here on Earth.
- Seriously?
These two?
- You and Kady are great.
I totally ship that.
Alice is okay.
She's a bit of a Mrs. Grundy.
You know?
- I don't get that reference.
- Oh, Josh is my idol.
That man is a Vagician.
But Quentin, I mean,
the outsider let into the inner
sanctum of secret knowledge.
As someone born in 1902,
I find a heterosexual white
male hero very relatable.
Anyway, Quentin
is the duck's nuts.
- No, that cannot be
a real thing people said.
- So we should send
a message to Eliot.
- Shit.
Eliot.
[dramatic music]
*
- Oh, my God.
Oh!
[all gasping]
- Cannibals!
They're cannibals!
- I told you!
- Oh--oh, my God.
They made me...
eat a person.
- We should make
a deal with them.
- No.
You can't negotiate
with cannibals.
You can't give them
what they want.
- Well, can't we?
- No!
You're grounded.
We need to find
a way out of here.
On the Muntjac,
the Key created a door
out of nowhere
when we needed it.
- I don't see any doors
or places a door could be.
- Downstairs in the Library!
- You lied about the key.
- They lied first.
I couldn't risk them
taking the key from us.
- No, you lied to me.
You were never
collecting taxes.
- Uh, can we have this talk
when we're not being hunted
by cannibals?
- What is the key for?
- Fray!
- What does it really do?
- It doesn't fucking matter
if we can't find a door.
Wait, there are doors all over
the downstairs of the Library.
- No shit!
- I think that cannibal's
sitting
on the only entry point.
- Wait, they're coming!
- Run, run, run!
- Slow down!
I have wooden toes!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Hyman, where have you been?
- I went with them
to solve the mystery
of Rupert's golden key.
- Who cares?
- If they find all seven keys,
Penny,
then...
something good happens?
I missed a bit.
- [sighs]
- So the seven keys
from the story unlock magic?
- Oh, that's--
- We think that Rupert Chatwin
brought one back to Earth
and gave it to an American
soldier that he served with
in World War II.
His name was Lance Morrison.
And it turns out that
after the war,
Lance went to a magic school.
- Breakbills.
- Right.
So if there are any records
from the late 1940s,
maybe that can help us
find the key.
- My assistant's file cabinet,
bottom drawer.
- Thank you.
- Pardon the interruption.
- Can I help you?
- Wait a minute.
I know that guy.
- I certainly hope you can.
I'm here on behalf
of the Order.
At the Library
formerly headquartered
in the Neitherlands?
We need to talk about Penny.
*
Sorry to be blunt,
but did Penny die
a traumatic death?
Dean Fogg said
you were the one to ask.
- Yes, it was traumatic.
- That explains it.
Penny signed a contract
with The Order,
guaranteeing his services
in this life
and, well, beyond.
Curiously, his soul never
reported for service
to our Underworld branch.
- Then where is he?
- I'm right here.
- Likely in the process
of becoming a vengeful spirit.
Best to nip that in the bud
before his time is up.
- What do you mean?
- The soul is tethered
to the body
for seven days after death.
We can use that tether to yank
Penny's soul out from wherever
and send him on his way.
- How?
- Eat him, naturally.
Oh, sweetheart,
I'm not gonna eat him.
I'm a pescatarian.
The Order has retained
the services of a Corpse Eater
for situations such as this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no one is eating my body, okay?
I'm not fucking done
with it yet.
- Kind of a ticking
clock on this.
If the tether goes before
Penny's soul passes on,
he's right fucked.
The Corpse Eater needs
a tick to prepare.
She'll be here tomorrow
at sundown.
Oh, and you're welcome.
.
- The ghost children
at the Plover house
couldn't be saved.
But Penny still has his tether.
- I'm not a ghost!
- If he's a ghost,
shouldn't he be,
I don't--I don't know,
haunting us?
What if something else
happened?
- Yes,
something else did happen!
- It can take decades for
a spirit to become malevolent.
Corpse Eaters
are a rare creature.
If the Librarians
actually have one,
not just some sicko
who wants a free meal,
you should use it.
- But what if there's
a way to fix him?
To bring him back?
- Without magic?
- Julia has magic.
Okay, not much, but I--
It's just, I--I--
I can't wrap my head around
sending him to work for the
Library for a billion years.
I don't trust them.
- There you go.
Come on, Kady.
- The Underworld's not so bad.
Quentin says there's
a bowling alley.
And a billion years surrounded
by books sounds like Heaven.
- Damn it, Alice.
I thought we were bros.
- Aah, let go, let go, let go!
My God!
I was only trying
to follow the story.
- No, what Julia does
in the bath is not story!
- It is revealing...
of character.
- Listen, I need to talk
to Kady somehow today.
Okay?
Now, I don't give a shit
if it didn't end well
for you in the past.
You are going to help me.
Or I will cock block you
for the rest of time.
- Okay.
When I first got stuck
in the Astral Plane,
I spent months trying
to push things.
I never got anywhere.
Until I tried being the thing.
Uh...
[blows through lips]
Okay, focus on a penny.
Ha ha, get it?
'Cause of your name?
You get it.
Now, you're not gonna try
to move the penny.
You're gonna try to be it.
So--so pour yourself
into its shape.
Inhabit it
with your whole being.
Hmm?
Go ahead.
Be the penny.
- Okay.
I got this.
- Be the penny.
Just be the goddamn penny!
Penny, just be it!
- [stammering]
What does that even mean?
- You're getting confused
by the whole Penny thing.
Maybe we should have started
with a nickel.
- Wha--
- Huh?
Be the nickel!
- Maybe you shouldn't say
the same dumb shit
over and over!
- Oh!
I'm sorry,
but you're a dullard!
A real dunce, I say!
You are worth less
than a penny,
and a penny is worthless!
- [screams]
Um...
This is weird.
- [gasps]
You are the Penny.
- What do I do now?
I can't move.
- Well, how could you?
You don't have any feet.
- [grunts and groans]
- What are you--
what are you doing?
It sounds like you're pooping.
- [grunts]
- Holy zerts!
You did it!
[laughs]
- [gagging]
I still have the taste
of pennies in my mouth.
Wait, why--why don't I--
Why don't I just project myself
into my own body?
I know how to be that.
- The only reason
you're still alive
is because you were Astral
Projecting when you died.
So if you go back
into your corpse,
you'll just be...dead.
- I need something bigger.
I need something
that can talk.
- Yeah, uh, hey, be careful.
Controlling things with brains
is much harder.
- Be the bunny.
Be the bunny.
Be the bunny.
- It won't work.
Fairy Queen bitch
thinks she can break me
with a few days' time
out on Eliot's party boat?
- Your Majesty,
upon our return to Whitespire,
might I suggest a hot bath
to relax yourself?
- I can't, because that chalky
twat won't get out of my tub.
I keep waiting for Eliot
to come back.
But maybe he never will.
That bunny I sent him
was returned to sender.
For all I know, he's dead.
And him and Penny are blowing
each other in Heaven.
Now, when I get back...
I'm gonna fix this.
Benedict, you're gonna
round up the guards.
Tick, you're gonna go to that
fairy-repelling hallway
and you're gonna grind one
of those bricks to dust.
You're gonna put it in
the Fairy Queen's bath...
and when that knocks her
on her ass...
I'm gonna cut out her heart
and eat it
in front of every goddamn Fairy
asshole in the Kingdom.
- Damn.
Girl, you get shit done.
[groans]
And I thought Hyman
was a perv.
Be the Margolem.
Be the Margolem.
- Uh, um,
um, announcement.
You guys remember the Margolem?
Margo's doppelganger
made of living clay?
Since Margo's been gone,
I've been storing it.
You know, for safekeeping?
- Eww.
- That's problematic.
- It's not like that.
I just dress her up
and pretend she respects me.
Anyways, she's been out
of commission since magic died,
only...
- [groans]
- She woke up.
- Fuck.
- [groans]
- [grunts]
- [yells]
- [screams]
[screaming]
[screams]
- I told you
it wouldn't end well.
- You know,
I wish you weren't dead
so I could kill you.
- So, this Margolem
must've had
some residual magic
left in her.
- Or the living clay
she was made of
was a magical creature?
Uh, anyway,
while we have you here,
we found Lance Morrison's
Breakbill records.
Um, it says that he was only
a student for a semester.
But it also says
in this file that he left
because of a "code seven."
- Student suicide.
Or he magically exploded.
I don't know why they use
the same damn code for both.
- Okay, either way,
he died on campus.
So the key might still
be here, right?
- But it says he was living
in the West Dorm,
and there is no such thing,
so...
- That's because it's buried.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
- In the late 1940s,
there was a haunting
in the West Dorm.
At the time,
it was considered bad form
to have a ghost on campus.
Unlike today, where we put it
in the goddamn brochure.
- "That ghost"
is gonna kill them.
To death, Penny.
- So, the Dean buried
the whole dorm.
Magically protected
the entrances
so that students
couldn't find it.
- But magic is gone.
So we can walk right in.
Right?
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
It's not my problem.
- They're your friends.
- Who I can't help in any way.
You go figure some shit out.
- [scoffs]
I'm not going down there.
- What are you scared of?
You're dead already.
- You're so dumb, Penny.
Ghosts can hurt
whatever it is we are.
That one in the West dorm?
Terrorized me for a week.
- Wait a minute.
If they can hurt us, then--
then they can see us.
[spooky music]
*
- Hey.
Q.
*
[door hinge creaks]
*
- All right.
*
Um, excuse me.
Lance Morrison?
- Who are you?
Did my father send you?
You can tell him I am not
coming home for winter.
- Hey, ghost boy.
We need to talk.
.
- You need to tell them that
Penny is in the room with them.
- What are you talking about?
- Um...
- Well...
- No, I am not a bitch!
- Well, we don't think that.
- Right, no, of course.
Do you know anything
about a golden key
that maybe your friend
Rupert Chatwin gave you?
- Rupert?
[electricity buzzes]
- This place
is quite something.
- Nothing compared
to where you've been.
- He's in a ghost loop.
He's not even listening to us.
- I brought you something.
From Fillory.
Here.
Take it.
It won't hurt.
It just reveals the honest
truth of things.
Shows them as they truly are.
*
- I see.
*
- [laughs]
Damn it, Hyman.
This isn't terrifying.
It's just two dudes kissing.
You homophobic pussy.
[electricity buzzes]
- Lance Morrison.
You've been speaking
out of turn
about your mother's family.
You have sullied
the McAllistair name.
- All I did
was tell the truth.
- Truth can bury us.
- It's the key.
It's ruined everything.
- Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt
this little father-son moment,
but could someone please
just say the words,
"Penny is in the room"?
- Say it isn't true.
- Okay.
- You can't control yourself.
Don't blame the key
for your perversion.
[grunts]
- Whoa, dude!
Whoa!
*
- [choking]
- The key's in the dad's
pocket.
*
- I think he just...
- Oh, shit.
- [grunting]
[both grunting]
- I tried being nice.
You will say my name.
You say my name,
you ghost dick!
- What is your name?
That's not a name!
No, it isn't!
[screaming]
No, it isn't!
- Uh, Q?
I think we might have
broken this ride.
- No!
*
- The Library
has a Corpse Eater
that can help take him
to the Underworld.
- What's she saying?
What--What--
Fuck, stop signing!
- Burn his body.
- Burn his body?
- Oh, hell no.
- Then he'll be stuck there
for eternity,
turning into a ghost,
or--or worse.
- She says,
"Better than a slave
"to the people
who killed him.
For a billion years."
- Am I the only one that
knows that eternity
is a lot longer
than a billion years?
- [groans]
- Lance said his mom
was a McAllistair.
- Well, that would explain
how he got into Brakebills.
The McAllistairs are
on the Board of Trustees.
They're one of the oldest
magical families in America.
- Lance's father held the key.
I mean, he knew
how powerful it was.
That it would reveal truth.
It would show things
that were hidden.
So, he would have kept it.
Except that he would have
died by now, so--
- Wait, could you get us
into that house?
- Maybe.
Irene McAllistair's been
calling me every day
looking for a lead on magic.
[chuckles]
Perhaps if we could
give her something
that she really wants.
- Hey, have you been
paying attention
to Quentin's stupid key thing?
- [scoffs]
Have I?
- Yeah, great, shut up.
The ghost said it has
the power to reveal things
that are hidden.
I'm a hidden thing.
- [gasps]
Twist.
- Okay, tonight it'll be
seven days since I died.
If I don't contact Kady today,
she is either gonna
burn my corpse,
or worse,
give it to the Library.
I'm not getting eaten.
- You know, Q said
Eliot already found
one of those keys.
- Okay, simple plan.
We use the key to make
a Shadow Bat monster illusion
like that priest did
on that island.
We scare away the bad men,
we get to a book chute,
we find a door,
and we get the hell out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
*
- Please tell me
you can see me.
*
Jesus.
- Holy moly.
*
What have I done?
- Eliot, what the hell
are you wearing?
- Hi...Dad.
.
- Hi, Dad.
- This is your father?
- Hi, Grandpa.
- What is with everyone
and their daddy issues today?
- Dressed like that,
everyone's gonna know
you haven't worked
a day in your life.
- It's just an illusion.
- I didn't think you could make
a sailor's uniform
look gayer.
- My God.
- It's just an illusion.
- Eliot, you might be the only
person in the multiverse
more fucked than me.
- You're just an illusion.
- I wish I could help.
- Henry.
- How are you?
- Oh, it is so good to see you!
- [chuckles]
- I was so happy
when you called.
- Yeah.
Irene, these are my students.
- Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
Come on in.
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
- Okay, there's some real
"Beauty and the Beast"
kind of stuff happening here.
- I don't understand.
How is that possible?
- Well, the house's
enchantments run
on a reserve of energy that my
father built up over decades.
When he was a child,
there was a blackout
that lasted for months.
So he wanted to be prepared.
Please, come.
Follow me.
Unfortunately,
they won't last.
Most of the enchantments
have failed already.
Which is why I was so intrigued
by your call, Henry.
- Mmm.
- Would you like a martini?
Martini!
[shaking]
- Um, can I get
an olive in mine, please?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- So, which one of you
can do magic?
- Um...
Well, I, um...
So, before I knew about magic,
real magic,
I--I used to do a lot
of sleight of hand tricks.
So, it turns out that
I wasn't very good at it.
Um, I was cheating, um,
by using translocation spells
without really knowing it.
Uh, I don't know why, but, um,
those tricks still work.
- Or you have a squished olive
in your pocket.
[chuckles]
Fascinating.
Not at all useful, but, uh...
- I can do more.
Um, do you have
a deck of cards?
- [clears throat]
Uh, excuse me.
Where's your restroom?
[dramatic music]
*
[snaps]
- Holy shit.
[gasping]
*
- I'm sorry, Penny.
It's been six and a half days.
Time's up.
*
- Come on.
*
Come on, find it!
*
Come on!
*
Damn it.
*
- Kady, wait.
I just need more time.
- It's not too late.
- [gasps]
- Corpse Eater'll be here
any minute.
- Honestly, why do you care?
- He was my friend.
- He wasn't one of you.
- You're right.
I barely knew Penny.
*
I don't know where he was from,
I don't know about his family,
I don't know--I don't know
how he found magic.
*
But I know what it's like
to be trapped
and to totally lose control
of yourself and your life.
*
But in the Underworld,
he still gets to be Penny.
- Dammit, Alice,
I'm still me.
- It took everything I had
to try to save his life.
*
And then...
he died anyway.
*
And then, I--
and then I was relieved.
To be done.
*
If Penny was here...
*
If he could tell us
what he wanted...
*
But he's not.
- Okay, look,
they're both terrible options,
but if I had to choose,
please don't send me
to the Underworld.
*
- I know you don't want
the responsibility.
*
So don't take it.
*
Let me.
*
- No, Kady, please.
*
Be the candle.
Be the candle.
- I'll go get the Corpse Eater.
[rumbling]
[fire flaring]
- Penny...
.
- That's uncomfortable to hold.
It makes me feel like...
I don't know,
like I'm not really myself.
- Okay, then I will...
pass on touching it.
Oh, uh,
I checked the book.
Uh, so, you unlocked
chapter three.
Um, and it looks like the--
the next key
might be in Fillary, maybe.
[door creaking]
Um...
[slamming]
- [clears throat]
- Dean Fogg.
- Good morning.
- Yeah.
It is the morning.
- Irene sent her apologies.
Our little show did not
convince her last night.
We're out of time.
As of this morning,
the Board of Directors
put Breakbills up for sale.
The school will be closed.
I'm out of a job.
And I'd say you're evicted,
but I have no idea who
actually owns this building.
Uh, Quentin,
is this Scotch or Rye?
- Uh, rum.
- Excellent.
Well, carry on.
I'm going to go lie down.
- Well, look at it this way.
Uh, now we've both been kicked
out of Breakbills, so...
we've got that in common.
[crowd shouting]
- Holy shit.
[panting]
Thank Christ.
- Eliot?
- Hey.
- How did you--
Hey.
- Can I please have some water?
- Yeah, sure.
- Sparkling, please.
Gather 'round.
Story time with Uncle Eliot.
This story is called...
"Eliot did nothing wrong
but was chased by cannibals
through the befucked
Neitherlands anyway."
- Sorry, who's this?
- Oh, right, yeah.
Meet Fray.
Our daughter.
- I'm sorr--your--
Wait, your daughter?
- Please, hold your questions
till the end.
So, the cannibals blocked
our only point of egress.
Naturally, I resolved
to use the key,
which, in Fillory,
created illusions
of a terrifying monster.
- He made his father instead.
- No spoilers.
But, yeah.
What she said.
Turns out the key
creates illusions
of what you most fear.
Hence...
My dad.
I told my father that
the guys in the tent
didn't know the difference
between a tractor
and a backhoe.
So he went to
set them straight.
- You saying you--
you fed your--
your dad to cannibals?
- An illusion of him.
But yes.
It was very cathartic.
There was lots of screaming
on both sides.
But we snuck right past them.
- We found a key, too.
- Oh.
- Um...
- We've been--We've been
calling it the truth key
'cause it--well,
it reveals truths.
- Truths.
- I can handle a little truth.
[dramatic music]
*
I don't know.
I don't see anything.
Maybe it doesn't work on me.
Oh, hey, Penny.
- Wai--