The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 9 - Lucy Becomes a Father - full transcript

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Well, let's see if
you've got everything.

It's all there, Mom.

Well, now, you're going
to be gone for three days.

I want to make sure.

Let's see, there are your socks,
your sweater, your pajamas...



What are you doing with
a jar of my cold cream?

That's not cold cream.

I've got it filled with worms.

Worms?!

Watch it, Mom.

You can't catch fish with
worms that are all shook up.

Oh, they're no more
shook up than Mom is.

Now don't put them back in here.

Put them in the tackle
box and get them outside.

You can pick them
up in the morning.

Women.

Oh. Honey, you go
get those dishes done.

Okay.

Evening, Mrs. Carmichael.



Oh, good evening, Mr. Carter.

- Won't you come in?
- Oh, thank you.

Hope you don't mind,
but this is a central location

and the station wagon
can pick it all up together.

Oh, no, that's fine.

- Just put it down anyplace.
- Oh, fine.

- Uh, Mr. Carter?
- Huh?

Uh, it was very nice of you

to offer to be Jerry's
substitute father.

Oh, my pleasure. I
like Jerry very much.

Yes, I-I just wish the
feeling were mutual.

What?

Oh, I-I didn't mean
to put it so bluntly.

I mean, he really
doesn't dislike you.

But actually he's... he's very
unhappy about going with you.

Hi, Mr. Carter.

Well, hi, Jerry. Howdy, kid.

Gee, I can hardly wait
for our trip tomorrow.

We're gonna have
a swell time together.

You bet we are, son.

Uh, Jerry... Jerry, dear,

you'd better go
upstairs and get to bed.

You have to get up
at 6:00 a.m., you know.

You bet I know.

- See you, Mr. Carter.
- Hurry up, Jerry.

Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

He's unhappy?

He's miserable.

He's just a great
little trooper, that's all.

He-he, just, uh, he just knows
how to cover up, that's all.

As long as he's stuck with you,

he's going to try to
make the best of it.

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael...

Oh, and another thing...

I do hope you know
how to put up with

all of his little
idiosyncrasies.

What idiosyncrasies?

Well, uh, he's a
very restless sleeper.

And sometimes he makes noise...

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,

look, why don't you
just tell me the truth?

Now, why don't you
want me to go with him?

Because I want to
go with him myself.

Oh, Mr. Carter, it was
very nice of you to volunteer,

but, uh, it's just that...

Well, you can't go,
Mrs. Carmichael.

It's for men only.

Now, look,

Mr. Carter, if for some
reason, at the very last minute,

something happened to you
and you wouldn't be able to go,

and, you know... I'm sure I
could talk them into letting me go

in your place.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, if
you have your heart set on it,

I'm sure I can find some
reason for backing out.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Carter.

You'll know how I feel someday
when you become a mother.

Coming.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Jerry all set?

Yes, he's all set and
he'll be down in a jiffy.

- Good, good, good.
- Oh, what a morning.

It's going to be wonderful
up in those mountains.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can hardly wait.

You can hardly what?

I said I can hardly wait.

Oh, wait.

Wait? For what?

To go on the trip.

You see, Mr. Mooney,
Mr. Carter called last night

and he's very ill
and, and he can't go,

so I have to go in his place.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you cannot go with us.

Why not?

- It's for men only.
- Yes.

That's no excuse.

Well-well-well, think of
the sleeping arrangements.

There's only one
bedroom. We all bunk there.

Well, I've got my sleeping bag.

I'll sleep in the front room.

Well, we also go swimming.

Good. I'll get my swimsuit.

We don't use swimsuits.

Well, I'll sleep
in the front room.

Oh, now, really, Mr. Mooney,

I won't be any trouble at all.

I'll be just like
one of the guys.

I won't take no
for an answer now.

I'm going upstairs
to get my purse,

and I'm going to get Jerry and
we're going to be ready to go.

One of the guys just went
upstairs to get his purse.

What are we going to do, Ted?

A woman along will put a
damper on the whole trip.

And here I was looking
forward to three beautiful days

- without any...
- Wait-wait a minute.

She won't be with
us for three days.

In fact, I doubt that
she'll last three hours.

What do you mean?

We are going to
give her the works.

We are going to make
it so tough, so miserable,

so unbearable...

Give her the treatment?

Oh, when I think of the
things we're going to do to her,

I feel better already.

Yoo-hoo, Mrs. Carmichael.

We're waiting for you.

All right, now hear this.

Time for "Taps."

Everybody hit the sack.

Into bed.

No, we've got a
big day tomorrow.

Big morning. Get to sleep.

We're going to fish,
we're going to hike.

We're gonna have a great
time. Get some rest, attaboy.

Hey, that was a very nice
dinner Mrs. Carmichael cooked.

Worth waiting for.

I thought she would
never get that fired started...

Rubbing those
two sticks together.

Have you got all
your chores finished?

Yes. The dishes are all done,
the table's set for breakfast.

I chopped the wood, I
swept the kitchen floor

and I scrubbed it, too.

Oh, well, did you burn up
all today's garbage and trash?

I burned everything,
including three of my fingers.

Compared to me,
Cinderella had a snap.

- Hey, Mom.
- Yeah, baby?

I just came back
to say good night.

Oh, honey, don't
hug me too hard.

My bones won't take it.

- Good night, baby.
- Good night.

Good night, honey.

Well, good night,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Good night, good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Have a good night's sleep.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Ooh.

Ah.

Upsy-daisy.

What do you mean upsy-daisy?

We need the couch in the
bedroom for one of the children.

Well, where am I going to sleep?

Well, you have the
whole floor to yourself.

Pick a spot.

- Here we go.
- All right, all right.

- Okay.
- Take it easy.

Watch your hands, Ted.

Nighty-nighty.

Nighty-nighty.

Ah.

Oh, that light.

Oh, no.

Oh...

Well, the little
men are all in bed.

Now we can have our poker game.

Hey.

What's going on?

We're-we're going to
play our poker game.

- Poker game?!
- Mm-hmm.

I'm trying to sleep.

Well, you go right ahead.

You won't disturb us.

All right, fellas,
let's get set up.

We don't want to waste any time.

Spit in the ocean.

No wild...

I will be the banker, because...

We'll... we'll deal
around. High card deals.

Hey, how long you
gonna be playing?

Well, who knows?
3:00, 4:00 in the morning.

About that time...
Last hand around there.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep,
so do you mind if I join you?

Well, we're not playing
for tiddlywinks, you know.

- You got any money?
- Sure, I got money.

Oh, well, now, in that case,

maybe we can let
you play with us.

What do you say, fellas?

- Sure.
- The more the merrier.

Thank you.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Yes?

Mr. Mooney, would you unzip me?

- What?
- Would you unzip me out of here?

I'm stuck. I
can't get out of it.

Oh, oh.

Oh, what a temptation.

The river is so close, and
you're already gift wrapped.

Oh, now, come on, Mr. Mooney!

Oh, all right, fine.

You got it?

There, that...

I-I won the deal.

Now, how do you play poker?

Boy, this sure beats
sleeping the night away.

I'll tell you.

Thanks for letting
me in the game.

I never knew poker
could be so much fun.

Did you?

Mrs. Carmichael,
the bet is seven chips.

Do you call me or not?

Oh, oh, oh!

Yes, yes, yes.

I will call you.

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.

♪ All good children
go to heaven. ♪

I have three kings.

Well, so you have.

And aren't they pretty?

Well, what have you got?!

Oh. Oh.

Well, I have a one and a nine

and a queen and
a five and a two.

And what a coincidence,
they're all hearts.

Well, if they're all
hearts, you've got a flush.

You mean, I win again?!

Oh, how about that!

Boy, this must
be beginner's luck.

Either that or I'm just
a born poker player.

That's all I can think up.

Course, the girls at the
bridge club the other day...

They said that they had never...

Will you please
shut up and deal?!

Here!

Sure, but I don't know
why we can't have

a little pleasant conversation
here, for heaven's sake.

This is just a
fun game, isn't it?

There we go.

We got to give
them a good shuffle.

Yeah... oops. Oh, dear.

Sometimes I do it,
and sometimes I don't.

Where's your ante?

Oh, she lives in
Milwaukee with my uncle.

Whoopsie.

There they go again.

It's the best way to shuffle
if you do it every time.

- It does take a little...
- Here, I'll put your ante in for you.

Oh, thank you very
much. Ante, ante, ante.

Put your ante in.

Here we go, there.

Now, I got a fairly good one.

Yeah... oh, you
know, thinking of tricks.

Audrey Simmons, who
is in our bridge club...

She showed me a trick.

- Now, I want you to...
- Mrs. Carmichael!

For heaven's sake!

What are you trying to
do, scare me to death?

What are you doing,
trying to shuffle

the-the spots off those things?!

Here, I'll deal myself.

Oh, women in a game.

- Did you cut those?
- Gee whiz, Mr. Mooney.

All right, all right.

I'll ante double...

Women.

Give everybody five now.

I'll give everybody five now.

Three, three, three,
three, three, three.

Four... that's right.

Four... get your cards over.

That's right.

There we go.

Four, five.

Well?!

Well what?

Do you open or pass?

Oh, is it up to me?

Oh, well, I'll, um, I'll open.

Four... five.

One, two, three, four, five.

I call.

I'm in.

I'll call.

I pass.

Well, I'll call.

Five.

I don't like to be nosy,

but how many
cards would you like?

Oh. Oh.

Well, let's see, now. I
think maybe I can take two.

Or maybe... better
make it three.

- Better make it...
- Two, three.

Oh, I don't want to be a hog.

Just give me one.

Bentley?

Three.

George?

Give me the top two.

Wilson?

Make it three.

I pass.

Y-You're out.

Yes, he's out.

The, uh, dealer will take one.

Oh, just like me.

Yes.

I don't want to
be a hog, either.

Such pretty colors.

I like to put all the
colors together.

Well?

Oh, uh, check.

Opener checks.

I'll bet five.

Too much for me; I'm out.

I'll stay.

Oh, you're out.

Yes, he's out.

There's your five.

And I will raise ten.

Well, look at all the
pretty chips in here.

Yes.

The more chips,
the sweeter the pot.

Oh, yeah.

Well, in that case,
then I will see your five,

and I will see the
ten you raised.

Uh-huh.

And I will raise 15 more.

Oh.

She checks and raises.

Yeah.

Oy.

Well, a full house is
three of a kind and a pair,

isn't it?

Oh!

Oh, you mean, I win again?!

For heaven's sake.

How high was your full house?

Oh, I didn't have a full
house, I was just asking.

No, all I had was a pair of...

Hi-ya, Ted.

You ever see anything like that?

Well, I just wired my
wife for more money.

What's going on?

What's all the thinking about?

I was just wondering.

Do you suppose we
could take Mrs. Carmichael

and lose her in the
forest without a compass?

Or maybe shove her off in
a canoe without a paddle?

Nah, she'd find her way back

just in time for the
poker game tonight.

Yeah.

- Wait a minute!
- What?

Maybe we could...

Oh, no, that's against the law.

Hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!

Company, halt, one, two!

Right face!

Close ranks!

Here are your lunches.

There you are.

Whoops.

There we are.

All right, now.

Eyes closed!

Heads up!

Mrs. Carmichael, what
in the world is that?

Mosquito spray.

You should have some of it.

All right, fellas, let's go.

Left face!

Forward march!

Hup, two, three, four!
Hup, two, three, four!

See you, Mr. Mooney.

Hup, two, three, four!

How can she take it?

I thought she would've
cracked up a long time ago.

There must be some way
to get rid of that woman.

- Hey, fellas.
- Huh?

- We're gonna have a guest.
- A guest? -Who?

Yeah.

Saw old Brownie coming
up the trail towards us.

Looks like he's gonna
pay us his annual visit.

Say, old Brownie!

Brownie the bear.

The solution to our problem.

What problem?

The problem of getting
rid of Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh.

Now, look, when we see
the bear, we will panic.

We'll scream,
"Killer on the loose!

Help! Run for your life!"

Now, when she hears that,
she'll be scared out of her wits.

She will start running.

She won't stop till she
gets all the way home!

N-Now wait a minute.

What do you mean
"killer on the loose"?

You know that bear's
as tame as a kitten.

You know that and I know that,

but Mrs. Carmichael
doesn't know it.

That's right.

Now, wait, just a minute.

I don't know.

It might be a little
too rough on her.

You know, after all,
she's only a woman.

To get rid of that woman,
nothing is too rough.

Now, then, we all know
what we're going to do.

- Yeah.
- All right, I'm gonna check.

Just a second.

Just a...

Aha, there's old Brownie.

He's on the trail there.

He'll be here in a minute.

All right, fellas,
now, remember,

yell loud so she will hear us.

Ready? All right.

Killer on the loose!

There's a killer on the loose!

- What?!
- Run for your life!

What?!

Wait a minute.

What are we running from?

What? What?

It's a b-b... it's a
b-b... It's a b-bear!

Shh!

Calm down, calm
down! Take it easy!

What do you mean "take it easy"?

That's a wild bear!

No, no, no, no. I have to
tell you, Mrs. Carmichael.

He's not wild, he's tame.

What do you mean, he's tame?

Well, he's tame.

An old trapper has him as a pet.

His name is Brownie,
he's as tame as a kitten...

- He's a pet?
- Yes. He does tricks and things.

He does tricks and things?

He comes to visit us once
a year, and we feed him.

Look, they're just
playing a little joke on you.

Who's playing a joke?!

The guys over
there... Playing a joke.

Oh, some joke.

How corny can they get?

Well, their little joke's
gonna backfire on them.

I'll just go out there and
show them a thing or two.

He's tame as a kitten, huh?

Yeah, tame as a kitten.

You're sure?

Sure, positive.

I know him.

Uh...

Uh, uh, uh...

Huh! Uh, hi, there!

Hold there, Smokey.

Uh, uh, you want... I
got some jelly beans.

You want, you want
some jelly beans?

Uh, hey! Huh!

Hi-ya! Oh.

Oh, well, how about that?

He's a very
patriotic fella, yeah.

Well, nice to see you.

Hey, you want to dance?

Oh, you'd rather sit down, huh?

You want a little jelly bean?

Well, sit up here
and tell me about it.

Well, come on.

Sit back, sit back.

Sit back and tell me about it.

That's a fella.

Bleh, bleh, bleh.

I got a little jelly
bean for you.

Yeah.

How about a smile?

How about a smile?

Oh, very nice!

You ought to see your dentist.

At least twice a year.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Oh, what's the matter, honey?

You got a little indigestion?

What?

Howdy doody.

I mean, this is for the boys.

I can't give it all to you.

MR. MOONEY Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.
How are you?

If you value your life, run!

Oh, come on.

The joke's over, bud.

That isn't Brownie
the tame bear.

Come on, I know it's Brownie.

Mrs. Carmichael, believe me!

There's Brownie the tame bear.

- Yeah, sure.
- There's Brownie!

Mrs. Carmichael, that's right!

- That's Brownie!
- That's a wild bear!

Mrs. Carmichael,

he's right; Brownie's up there.

That's a real wild bear!

Well, n-n-n-n-now you tell me!

Uh... uh, nice little fella.

You don't like redhead...
I'm not really a redhead.

I'm like you. I'm one of you.

We got along pretty
well there for a while.

Yeah, y-you're doing very well.

Remember me? I'm a
very nice friend of yours.

- I-I think...
- I was, I was giving you

jelly beans and things.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Oh, you... I think you've
tamed him, Mrs. Carmichael.

Say, you know,
that-that's wonderful.

- I've got to hand it to you.
- Yeah, good, good.

I've got... that took
a lot of courage.

- Sure did.
- Say, fellas,

let's show her what
we really think of her.

- Let's go.
- Are you ready?

- Ah, we're ready.
- All right.

A-one, a-two!

Oh!

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow... ♪

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