The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 10 - Lucy's Contact Lenses - full transcript

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What's the matter, Lucy?

Viv, have you noticed, uh,

how every year the printing
in books gets smaller?

Why don't you get
yourself a pair of glasses?

Vivian, I don't need glasses.



I've told you that 50 times.

Okay, let me see
you read that book.

"Cook Book."

I have perfect vision, Viv.

Let me see you read
one of the recipes.

All right, Vivian.

Um...

"Chicken fricassee.

"Take one large stewing
hen and cut it in several parts

"and, uh, put it in
a quart of water.

Bring to a boil, and season..."

Nice try, girl, but your
chicken fricassee's

gonna taste just
like apple strudel.

All right, you're so
smart. You got the book.



Now, read me the recipe
for chocolate fudge cake.

Why?

Because tomorrow, Mrs. Mooney
is having her charity cake sale,

and we always donate
a cake, remember?

Lucy, why are you so stubborn?

About what?!

Millions of us
women wear glasses,

and we look marvelous in them.

Well, I know, but I just don't
have the face for glasses.

Now, if you're so
worried about your looks,

why don't you get a
pair of contact lenses?

Oh, they're too expensive.

I can't afford them. $200.

Oh, you don't have to
pay for 'em all at once.

I was just reading Dr. Kaufman's
ad here in the paper.

I was looking at it.

Here, lookit. Oh, I
forgot... you can't read.

I can read the big
print, for heaven's sake!

"Contact lenses, no money
down, 52 weeks to pay.

Wear them before you
buy. Free trial offer."

See? See? That's
only four dollars a week.

And if you don't like 'em,
you can bring 'em back.

Uh-oh, I knew there
was a catch to it.

You have to have
your credit approved.

Oh, now, surely
Dr. Kaufman would trust you

for a measly four
dollars a week.

Apparently, you have
forgotten my credit rating.

Do you know that before
the newsboy will throw a paper

on our front porch,

I have to go out and
throw him a nickel?

I'm more in debt than the
United States Treasury.

Dear.

Oh, hello!

Good evening, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hello there.

Good evening, Mrs. Bagley.

Well, there's Nelson!
Hello, Nelson there, boy.

Are you taking Mr. Mooney
for his evening constitutional?

Yes, is this a social call

or did you two just
drop in to growl?

Irma asked me to drop
by and pick up your cake

for the cake sale tomorrow.

Oh, well, I haven't
baked a cake yet.

I'm gonna make it
tomorrow morning.

Oh, well, fine. Will you
send it over tomorrow?

Yes. We'll see that
it gets to the bank.

Good. Come on, Nelson.

Good night. Come on.

- Oh, uh, Mr. Mooney...
- Hmm?

Would you stay
for a few moments?

I'd like to talk to you
about something.

Well, I can stay
for a few moments,

but Nelson can't.

If he's away from Irma too
long, she gets lonesome.

Nelson, come on now.

You go on home, and
you can let yourself in.

Well, now, don't tell me
Nelson has his own key.

No, he rings the doorbell
just like any other dog.

Now, if you must know,

Nelson has his own
private entrance.

Mrs. Mooney paid $50 to have
a dog door put in our kitchen.

Oh...

I must say that's more
than she's ever spent on me.

Uh, speaking of
money, Mr. Mooney,

that's sort of what I
wanted to talk to you about.

Nelson, wait for me.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm not gonna ask you
to give me any money.

I just want you to
guarantee my credit.

Oh... I'd be glad to.

As your banker, I can guarantee
your credit couldn't be worse.

Oh! You only have to
guarantee four dollars a week.

Yeah, and it's
just for 52 weeks.

That's over $200!

What do you intend
buying, a yacht?

Now, Mr. Mooney, she just wants

to get a pair of
those contact lenses.

Yes.

Mrs. Carmichael, if you
need glasses, buy glasses.

They don't cost so much.

I know, but I just don't
have the face for glasses.

If glasses were good
enough for Benjamin Franklin,

they're good enough for you.

I want them for
reading, not flying a kite.

No contact lenses.

Suppose you don't like them.
That's $200 down the drain.

Oh, but Dr. Kaufman says
I can have a free trial offer.

Suppose you broke them.

That's $200 down the drain.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney...
- What if you lost them?

$200 down the drain!

Oh, isn't that drain
stuffed up yet?

All right, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

I'll make a deal with you.

If anything happens,
you can take it out

of my allowance for
the next six months.

Well, it's against my
better judgment, but all right.

I'll go and see Doctor...

Dr. Kaufman.

Yes, I'll call him
in the morning

and vouch for your credit.

Oh, thank you so much.

Well, hello there, Nelson.
What are you doing here?

Nelson, why did you come back?

Oh. Oh, he has a note for me.

He brings you notes?

Oh, yes, Irma keeps in touch.

Oh, she wants me to hurry home

and drive her to the
wrestling matches.

Oh, is Irma a wrestling fan?

No, she's a wrestler.

Come on, Nelson. Come on.

Come on. Out you go. Come on.

That's... Oh...

Viv, I'm back!

I'm in here, girl.

Well, how do I look?

All right.

What'd Dr. Kaufman have to say?

"Chocolate fudge
cake. Two cups of flour,

"two teaspoons of baking powder,

1 1/2 cups of sugar,
four teaspoons..."

You're wearing them!

You can't even tell, can you?

Not without my glasses.

Aren't they beautiful?

Dr. Kaufman says that I have

the most marvelous blink
reflexes and perfect eyeballs.

Oh, isn't that romantic?

And best of all, you know,
they're so comfortable,

you don't even know
you have 'em on.

For heaven's sake.

Oh, you baked the cake!

I thought I might as
well go ahead and bake it

while you were
down at the doctor's.

Well, let me finish icing
it. I ought to do something.

I'm the one that's donating it.

Yes, you should.

Where are the boys?

Arnold Mooney's over here.

And they're all
upstairs playing.

Oh, good. Then we'll get them

to take it over to
the bank for us.

Ho-ho-ho, fat chance.

Well, you just don't know
how to handle our boys.

All right, you get
'em to come down.

All righty. Boys!

Come down here, please.

We can't. We're busy.

Oh, okay, okay.

I thought maybe you'd
like to lick the bowl.

We just made a
cake, but that's all right.

If you're too...

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

I thought you said
we could lick the bowl.

You can, after you take
this cake down to the bank.

Hey, this is Saturday.
The bank is closed.

Oh, no, Mrs. Mooney's gonna
have her cake sale there today.

Nice try, Sherm.

Now, get going and be
very careful, Sherman.

And be sure to tell 'em
that it's from us, huh?

- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

I got to hand it to you, girl.

You're the
Dr. Spock of Danfield.

Come on. Let's play
some gin rummy, huh?

All righty.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Thought you were on a diet.

Now, Lucy, I've lost
three pounds this week.

You didn't lose 'em,
you just misplaced 'em.

Look behind you.

Maybe I can win back some
of that $400,000 I owe you.

Ooh, now I can finally see
what this magazine is all about.

Yes, sir.

Ooh, that's what
that picture was, huh?

It's your deal.

That's funny, Viv.

I can read better with my
left eye than I can my right.

Maybe your left eye
has a better education.

No wonder! The
lens has dropped out!

- No.
- Dropped out?! Oh, my gosh, Viv!

Oh, oh, now don't
get panicky, honey.

- Oh, where is it?!
- Don't get panicky.

- Now, Lucy, let's see.
- Oh, Viv, I can't lose that!

Uh, let's see now.

Now, when you first
came home from the doctor,

you came right to the
kitchen and you were able

- to read that recipe.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah?

So you dropped it between
the kitchen and here.

All right, you look in the
kitchen, I'll look in here.

- Okay.
- Oh, I can't lose that.

- No.
- I can't... Oh, Viv, don't walk!

Don't walk! You're
liable to break it!

Crawl to the kitchen!

Crawl to the kitchen?

Yes, and look
everyplace. Feel your way.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Viv, I can't lose that.

Oh, it cost a fortune!

Mr. Mooney's gonna kill me!

Oh, dear.

How could it have dropped
out and I not know it?!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Lucy!
- Yeah? You found it?

No, but I want to know
what it looks like, in case I do.

Oh. Well, it-it's a little
smaller than a dime,

and it looks like glass,
and you can see through it.

It-it's kind of like a
tiddly, only it doesn't wink.

Lucy, guess what I
found under the stove.

My lens.

No, a Chinese fortune cookie.

Oh, that's just peachy.

Oh, boy, it says I'm gonna
meet a very rich, handsome man.

Oh, Viv, come here!

Yeah?

- You know what?
- What?

It must have
fallen into the icing.

I must have iced
the cake with it.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to the
bank and buy back my cake.

- Lucy?
- What?

Can I get up now?

Yes, you can get up now.

Viv? Oh, Viv?

Viv, open the door!

I'm coming. I'm
coming. Good heavens!

What's the matter?

Let me in.

What are you doing
with all those cakes?

Can I help it

if 15 other women decided to
make chocolate fudge cake?

Well, for heaven's sake,
why did you buy 'em all?

Because they all looked alike.

That's why I had to buy 'em all!

Careful now. You might drop 'em.

Well, for heaven's sake,

don't stand there giving
me instructions! Help me!

Oh, want me to take
off some of them?

Oh, please, Vivian,
they're heavy. Hurry up!

I'll get 'em for you.

I'll get these on the
top, and then you...

Hurry up, Viv!

- Ready?
- You got 'em?

Oh, boy, that's heavy, girl.

Yeah. And put 'em
down as quick as you can

and take these off my fingers.
My fingers are killing me.

Just a minute. Just a second...

- Oh!
- Here, I'll get 'em.

- 15 cakes.
- Whoo, boy!

Oh, be careful.

There, is that better?

- Yeah.
- Golly, those are heavy.

- There now.
- Whoo!

- Come on now. We got to find that lens.
- Yeah?

We got to go through
every one of these cakes.

We got to go through
every bit of icing.

Now, come on, Viv.

Don't waste a minute.
Take the cake out.

All the icing on every cake?

All the icing, yes.

Yes, we have got to.
See? They all look alike.

I don't know which is my cake.

Now, be very careful.

Remember, it's a
very tiny piece of glass.

Now, come on, Viv, get at it!

All right.

Not gonna hurt you to get
messed up a little, you know.

All right.

Oh, great heavens. Boy!

Now, be very careful.
It's hard to find.

Yeah.

Boy, I hope we find it soon.

If I have to feel my way
through 15 fudge cakes,

I'm going to have
awful fat fingers.

Vivian, don't... Don't
lick your fingers!

You're liable to swallow it!

So what? How many calories
can a contact lens have?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, it's not in
this one either, girl.

Oh, dear.

Well, we got to
start all over again.

Oh, come on now, Lucy.

My hands are already
two fudgesicles.

Vivian, the lens must
be in here someplace.

I got to find it. Now,
let's try once more.

- All right.
- Now, come on.

Oh, dear.

I got it! I got it!

My lens!

Yeah, I got it! I got...

- That's my fingernail.
- Yeah, I see that.

Yoo-hoo, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mr. Mooney.

Don't say anything.
Maybe he'll go away.

Yoo-hoo.

If he knows I lost
the lens, he'll kill me.

Here, here.

He will absolutely kill me.

Hello. I was wondering
who that was.

- How'd the cake sale go?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's all over, yes.

We sold out in two hours.

Thanks mostly to
you, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, well, think nothing of it.

I'm always glad to
do my bit for charity.

Forgive me for asking,

but why did you buy 15
chocolate fudge cakes?

Oh, well, you know Viv...
She eats like a horse.

Just-just one more question.

Why did you mess
up the 15 cakes?

Cakes?

Mess up what cakes?

The cakes you're
hiding there on the table.

Oh, these cakes.

Yes, why did you mess them up?

Um...

Well, uh, you know something?

You know what we
were going to do?

We were going to
make those 15 cakes

into one great big cake.

- Yeah, you see...
- One... one great big cake?

Yes, one great
big, beautiful cake.

You see, Viv's
birthday's coming up

and we have to
have a great big cake

to accommodate
all those candles.

That's what we were doing.

Uh-huh.

Well, while we're on
the subject of birthdays,

that's why I came by.

Irma's having a few
friends drop in tomorrow

- to help her celebrate hers.
- Oh.

And she would like
both of you to come.

Oh, how nice.

I didn't know it
was Irma's birthday.

Oh, yes, yes.

And by a strange coincidence,
it's also Nelson's birthday.

Oh, well, tell Irma we'd be
delighted to be there tomorrow.

Good. I hope you don't
mind eating your own cake.

Oh... How's that?

Well, Irma thinks you're
the best baker in town,

so when your cake came in,
I put it aside for the occasion.

Good night, ladies.

Oh, Mr. Mooney...

Wait a minute, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, you know,
Hofstadter's Bakery

makes a much
better cake than I do.

Why don't you
leave this cake here

and let me make you
another cake tomorrow, huh?

It'll be my treat.

No, no, no, no.
Irma wants this one,

so I'll take this one back.

Well, look, I got that
one all botched up.

Please leave it here.

And I promise I'll bake
another one tomorrow

much better, huh?

No, no, no. Irma wants this one,

and whatever Irma
wants, Irma gets.

But there is one little
thing you could do for me.

What's that?

Get your sticky
fingers off my suit!

Oh.

Wouldn't you know
he'd get my cake?!

We got to get that
cake back, Viv.

You have got to
get that cake back.

What do you mean?

We who are old and eat like
a horse are retiring to pasture.

Oh, Viv, this is no time to get
sensitive, for heaven's sake.

Can you tell me a better time?

All right, I'm sorry.

Well, that's better.

All right, good.

Now, let's clean up this mess.

I got to bake another cake.

You've got to bake
another cake?!

Yes, I have. I got to
bake another cake,

and I've got to... I've got to go
over there to Mooney's tonight

while they're asleep
and switch cakes.

- Oh, you do?
- That's what I've got to do.

- Yes.
- How are you going to get in?

- Oh...
- Call up Mr. Mooney

and tell him to leave the
key under the doormat?

Oh, don't worry
about getting in.

Who locks their
doors in this town?

Well, you won't need me.
You can go by yourself.

What do you mean
I won't need you?

What for?

Well, for-for an emergency.

What kind of an emergency?

Well, now, uh...

Well, look, now, if I get
into Mr. Mooney's tonight

and he hears me

and he comes down and
finds me in the kitchen,

and then Irma comes
down and finds us together,

you know, she could
get pretty jealous.

But if she comes down and
finds you and Mr. Mooney together,

she'd realize there wouldn't
be anything to be jealous of.

Viv. Viv.

Viv, I'm stuck.

- Huh?
- Give me a push. I'm stuck.

Did you have to
shove me that hard?

Well, I thought it'd help
if I got a running start.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Get the cake.

Oh, the cake.

Hurry up.

Here it comes.

Okay.

Nobody ever locks their doors.

Shh.

- Lucy.
- What?

Lucy, I'm stuck.

You can squeeze through.
Pretend it's a girdle.

Lucy, I'm really stuck.

Exhale all the
air in your lungs.

That's not the
part that's stuck.

Go on, help me.

Now, I helped you. You
got stuck, too, you know.

Okay, come on.

That's it, that's it, I got it.

I got it.

You think he's got enough
locks on those doors, girl?

Come on, now. We
just got to find my cake.

Okay.

- And I think it's in the pantry.
- Okay.

Come on.

And there it is.

Switch 'em quick, Lucy.
Let's get out of here.

Okay.

Be careful now. Careful.

- Come on, I'm scared.
- Okay.

Was that Nelson?

It ain't The Beatles
giving a concert.

Oh, now, Nelson,

there's nobody here
in the living room.

The kitchen?

Well, I'll take a look.

Now, you see, Nelson?

All for nothing.

I told you there
was nobody here.

Nelson, look, sit.

I want to talk to you.

One more false alarm,

and you are going to
sleep in the doghouse.

On second thought, I'll
sleep in the doghouse.

You can sleep with Irma.

Come on.

- Is he gone?
- Yeah.

Hungry?

All right, I'll get
you a dog biscuit.

Let's see... where does
Irma keep those dog biscuits?

Sit.

I know there are dog
biscuits around here.

She gave me some
for dinner tonight.

Nelson, do you know
where she keeps them?

Hmm, here they are.

All right, there.

Well, why did you bring
me in here if you don't like it?

What are you trying to do...?

I'm sorry about your face, Viv.

Oh, it's entirely my fault.

My face shouldn't have
been where it was...

On the front of my head.

Oh, Viv.

Viv, your nose!

My nose? What's the
matter with my nose?!

- Shh.
- My nose...!

- Hold still.
- What's the matter with my nose?

My lens, my lens is
right on the end of it.

Your lens, your
lens is on my nose?

Keep your head
down so I can get it.

I found it, I found it.

- You found it.
- I found it.

Now, if you want to go for a
walk, Nelson, go by yourself.

Good night.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now we can get this
messy cake home

and Mr. Mooney will
never know the difference.

And I've got my lens. Come on.

- Go on, I'll give you a push.
- Okay.

That dog...

Oh, Lucy.

Here, let me get the
cake. I'll get the cake.

You frightened us!

Well, I intended to.

Would you two women
kindly explain what you're doing

prowling around in my kitchen?

- Well...
- Well, Mr. Mooney, you see,

Lucy was going
to ice this cake...

Uh, uh, yes, yes, yes.

I... you know, I
got to thinking,

that tomorrow,
being Irma's birthday

and Nelson's birthday, I, uh...

I decided that
probably Nelson...

uh, Irma would be
getting all the attention...

and that, uh, Nelson
would feel very rejected.

Yes. So we baked him
his own special cake.

Yes, and he sure
seems to be enjoying it.

Yeah, that's right.

- That's it.
- Yeah.

Good night, Mr. Mooney.
That... that was it.

Yeah. Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night, Nelson, good night.

Now, look, are you
all right, Nelson?

- Lucy.
- Yeah?

- I'm stuck. Give me a push.
- Okay.

Ah-ah.

Allow me.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

- No, Mr. Mooney!
- Huh?

Lucy, come on! Let me... oh!

Happy birthday, Nelson.

Well, Chrissy,
you've really flipped.

Shh! I'm supposed to have quiet.

Oh, well, may I break
the spell long enough

to ask just what you're doing?

I'm upside down to bring
a beauty blush to my face,

which I then massage
with Lux beauty lather.

Well, Chrissy,
darling, just using Lux

makes your skin soft and pretty.

I get great results
with Lux, right side up.

Hey, your skin
does look terrific.

Save some Lux for me.

Was brought to you by

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