The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 9 - Lucy Puts Up a TV Antenna - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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The Lucy Show is
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You know who's going to be on?

The All-American Football team!

Oh, boy!

Hey, there's something
wrong with the picture.



Yeah, it's all
fuzzy and squiggly.

I'll fix it.

You'd better let me do it, Mom.

You're not very mechanical.

Never mind.

I know how to fix it.

I used to watch your daddy.

First, he'd turn
down the volume,

and then he fiddled
with the fine tuning.

And then when that
didn't work, he'd...

And then, when that didn't work,

what did he do?

Oh, gee, kids, I'm sorry.

I think the set's broken.



Aw, phooey!

Broken? Oh, no!

I did all my
homework for nothing!

Nobody ever died
from too much spelling.

All right, Chris,
you're not his mother.

Thank goodness.

And that's enough
out of you, too.

Well, if the TV's broken,

what'll we do tonight?

Oh, there are
lots of things to do.

Like what?

We already did our homework.

We could eat, but we just ate.

Well, now, let's not fall apart

because we can't look
at television one night.

I'm sure we can find plenty

of things to do
that'll be amusing.

Oh, sure we can.

Well, now, there must
be something better to do

than stare at a
dead television set.

Oh, sure, there must be.

Mom,

what did you used
to do in the olden days

before television?

Well, we used...

What do you mean,
the olden days?

You know, Mom.

I mean, when you were kids.

Oh, when we were kids,

there were lots of
things to do like, uh,

taking a ride in
a covered wagon.

Yeah, or going down to the beach

to watch the pilgrims land.

Oh, Mother!

Come to think of it, Viv,

what did we do
before television?

We used to hit the radio.

Hmm.

I know what we used
to do when I was a kid.

We used to gather
around the piano

and sing songs on Sunday nights.

Mitch Miller?

No, not with Mitch Miller.

We used to sing by ourselves,

and we had a
darned good time, too.

How about it?

Oh, that sounds
like a lot of fun to me.

Come on, let's have a
real old-fashioned sing!

Come on! Gather around.

Ah! Right over here now, fellas.

Oh, this is going to be great.

Now, what'll we
sing first, Lucy?

How about, uh...
"Long, Long Trail"?

Good.

♪ There's a long, long trail ♪

♪ A-winding ♪

♪ Into the land
of my dreams... ♪

Why aren't you singing?

We don't know that one.

You don't know "The
Long Long Trail"?!

No.

You're kidding!

Oh, well, I know another one.

How about this one?

♪ Oh, wait ♪

♪ Till the sun shines, Nellie ♪

♪ And the clouds
go drifting by... ♪

You don't know that one, either?

I never heard of it.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Well, now, what song
would you kids like to sing?

You know "Ahab, the Arab"?

Ahab, the Who-Rab?

"Ahab, the Arab." It's a song.

That's a song?!

Oh, I know a good one...
"Papa Ooh Mow Mow."

Yeah, "Papa Ooh Mow Mow!"

Papa Ooh What?

♪ Papa papa ooh ma mow mow ♪

♪ Papa ooh mow mow ♪

♪ Pa papa ooh ma ma-ma
mow, papa ooh mow mow ♪

♪ Pa papa ooh ma-ma
mow, papa ooh mow mow ♪

♪ Pa papa ooh ma-ma
mow, papa ooh mow mow ♪

♪ Papa ooh mow mow,
papa ooh mow mow... ♪

All right, hold
it, hold it, hold it!

"Papa Ooh Mow Mow."
How about those lyrics?

Oh, my! Oh, you're kidding.

Now we've got to think of
something that we all know.

Come on.

Where'd you ever
get that song? Ah...

Is that what you
learn in school?

I know one, Lucy.

How about this one?

What is it?

♪ Down by the ♪

♪ Old mill stream ♪

♪ Not the river,
but the stream ♪

♪ When I first met you ♪

♪ Not me, but you ♪

♪ With your eyes so blue ♪

♪ Not green, but blue ♪

♪ Dressed in gingham, too ♪

♪ Not one, but two ♪

♪ It was then I knew... ♪

I think I'll go up to
my room and read.

How about a game
of checkers, Jerry?

Okay.

I don't know when I spent
such a boring evening!

Well, so much for
sing along with Mom.

I don't know.

I don't know what's the
matter with children these days.

They just cannot
entertain themselves.

I guess you'd better have
the television set fixed.

Yeah. It's probably
one of the tubes.

I'll take them all down to
Herb's TV Repair tomorrow.

Wouldn't it be simpler to
have Herb come out here?

Oh, heavens, no!

You know how much Herb
charges to come out here.

It'd be cheaper to have the
Mayo Brothers make a house call.

Well, anyway,

we got a whole evening
to do anything we want.

That's right.

We've got the whole
evening to ourselves.

Yeah. Ah!

Well, which tube is bad, Herb?

None of them. I tested them all.

Oh. Are you sure?

Maybe your tube
tester needs testing.

Take my word for it,
Mrs. Carmichael, I'm sure.

Well, then, what's
wrong with my set?

Well, I'm afraid I can't tell

unless I come out to the
house and take a look.

Oh, no, Herb, I wouldn't
want you to do that.

No, I know you have
better things to do

than running all over town
looking at people's TV sets.

What better things?

Repairing TV sets
is my business.

Oh, well, I know, but you
must get awfully sick of it.

No, can't you just guess

what's wrong with
my set from here?

Not unless I look at
your television set.

Well, Herbie, I
was just thinking.

Why don't you come
out to dinner tonight?

I know that you bachelors
must get awful tired of eating out.

Now, it won't be anything fancy.

You just come and
bring your big appetite

and your little tool kit.

Thank you, Mrs. Carmichael.

I never mix business
with pleasure.

Oh.

Well, how much do you
charge to make a house call?

Eight dollars.

Doctors only charge $7.50!

I know.

That's why I quit
medical school.

All right.

When do you want to come out?

I could drop by this
afternoon sometime.

Are you sure it isn't
one of the tubes, Herb?

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
when I diagnose a tube...

All right, all right!

I'll see you this afternoon.

Hi.

Hi.

What is that
complicated monster?

It's our new TV antenna.

Oh, so that's what
was wrong with our set.

Yeah. Herb said, quote,

"If you'd taken the time
to look out in the side yard,

"you would have found
out that it had blown down

"and saved yourself eight
dollars for a house call.

Ha, ha." Unquote.

When's he going to put it up?

He's not going to put it up.

Why not?

Because he wants
$40 to do the job.

Then who is going to put it up?

I have an awful feeling...

Now, don't jump to conclusions.

You and I aren't
going to have to do this.

I have a plan.

What is it?

We're going to get some
nice man to do it free of charge.

Oh, and just how are
we going to do that?

We're going to use
our womanly wiles.

I didn't know we still had any.

Maybe some nice man
will drop by this afternoon.

Oh, sure.

Nice men are always
dropping by here.

Cleaners!

Mr. Holly.

You get it and
leave the rest to me.

Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Holly!

Hello, Mrs. Bagley.

Hi there, Mr. Holly.

How are you today?

Fine, Mrs. Carmichael.

Is that... Is that a
television antenna?

That's right.

Mrs. Bagley and I are going
to put this up on the roof.

You... By yourselves?

That's right.

You two little ladies are going

to get up on a ladder

and sashay around the roof
of a two-story house with that?

That's right. Uh-huh.

Well, by George,
that's what I call spunky!

Yeah, well, it does
take a bit of courage,

I'll say that, I...

You know how steep our roof is.

Why, it just drops right off.

Well, you're regular daredevils!

Well, we, we wouldn't
really do this, only...

we don't have a
man to do it for us.

Well, I've got
to hand it to you.

Most women would be moaning

because there wasn't a
man around the house,

but not you two.

You get right in
and pitch in yourself

and do it yourself.

And that is the pioneer spirit

that made this country great!

Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. Holly.

Well, who are you going
to work on now, Wiley?

Oh, no, Lucy.

I'm not going to
go up on that roof.

I wouldn't go up on that roof
with this monster for anything!

You know I'm afraid of heights.
Now, look, Viv, do you want to sit here

another night with a
dead television set,

or try to whip up
a community sing?

I'll take my chances falling off
of a piano bench, but I'm not...

Now, look, Viv, it's not
going to hurt you one bit...

All right, Viv? VIVIAN: Okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

All right! I'm starting it up!

All right. Take it easy.
There she comes.

Take it easy. I am. I am.

Watch out!

What was that?

Uh... well, let's
just say we've got

one less window to clean.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

All right, now, take it...
Guide it! Hold on to it, Viv!

Well, guide it a
little better up there.

It's tough enough down here.

I'm doing the
best I can up here.

All right, up, up,
up! There it is.

I'm letting go, Lucy.

Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Okay, I got it.

Ready? Yeah.

All right.

You sure you can't
do it by yourself?

No, I can't do it by myself.

Can I hang on to
you while I get up?

No, you can't hang on
to me while you get up.

I got all I can do to
hang on to myself.

Now, what do I do?

Get up here and help
me balance this thing.

Come on. I got it.

Now, we got to put it
on the chimney. Okay.

Come on, Viv. I'm coming.

Don't be frightened.

Everything's all right.

The chimney's
over there; back up!

Back up?! Come on, Viv...

Oh, Lucy, I'm scared
to walk forward.

I couldn't back up.
Are you kidding?

Oh, come on, Viv.

You back up.

Switch places with me.

Switch places? Come
on, now, switch pl...

I'm not going to back
up. If you want this

aerial up, you're going
to get back there yourself.

All right, come on.

Wait a minute.

I'm still backing up.

Turn around.

Yeah, I'll have to turn around.

Now, hang on to me, Lucy.

I'm hanging on to you.
I'm hanging on. Hang on.

Don't be a scaredy-cat.
Now, come on.

Hey, I did that
pretty good, didn't I?

Yeah, you were beautiful.

Aren't you afraid
to back up, Lucy?

No, I'm not a bit afraid.

Just turning a corner.

Hey, if we look around

maybe we can find a place
in the roof where it leaks.

Maybe we could.

While we're up here,
we'll take a look, huh?

Yeah.

I found it! I found it!

Oh! Just what I always wanted,

a skylight in my bedroom.

Oh, dear! We're
starting out again?

Yeah. Lucy?

Yeah? There's something
I don't understand.

What? Why did you
undo this like this?

Couldn't you have brought
it up all in one piece?

Did you ever try to
put up a TV antenna?

No, I didn't. Well, then
come on and don't ask...

Lucy!

Back up! Back up?!

Back up!

Are you with me?

Okay.

Careful now. Take it easy.

Give me something to hang on to.

Well, just put this
over here in this pipe.

You're worse than
carrying that thing.

There!

There. That wasn't
so bad, was it?

No, as a matter of fact,
that was a lot of fun.

I want you to promise
me something.

If this ever blows down again,

don't you let anybody
help you put it up but me.

Oh, stop!

Oh! I can see the
city hall from here.

Oh, Lucy...

It's a pretty sight.

Hey, now we're all
finished except adjusting it

so that we get
the best reception.

Okay, adjust it
and let's skedaddle.

Now, you go downstairs
and you turn on the set,

and you call up to
me from the chimney.

Go downstairs?!

Yes.

All by myself?

Go on, Viv.

And call up to me
through the chimney.

That's the only way
I'll ever get it adjusted.

All right.

Aw, come on, now. I'm going.

Ooh...

Oh, I should have made
my bed this morning.

Hurry up, Viv!

Oh, shut up!

How's that, Viv?

The picture is still lopsided!

Well, I've turned it in
every possible direction.

Maybe you connected
the wire wrong.

Connected the wire?

That's perfect!

Oh, now it's all lopsided again!

I know it! Wait a minute!

How's that?

How's that, Viv?

Viv, are you there?!

Oh, sorry.

The picture's perfect.

Why didn't you answer me?

I got carried away
watching Art Linkletter.

Come on down, Lucy.

He's about to go
through a lady's purse.

Okay. I'll be right down.

Viv! Viv!

Viv, come up here quick!

Viv!

Come quick, Viv!

Viv! Oh!

Lucy, what happened?

Don't ask questions.

Just pull me out. I'm stuck!

Oh, you're stuck in there?

Uh, uh... Take my hand.

Can you give me
your other hand, Lucy?

Just pull! Okay, ready?

Pull, Viv, pull!

That's as much as I can, Lucy!

All right, I'm
stuck, that's all.

I'm just stuck!

What are you doing in
the chimney anyway?

I'm testing to see if it's
big enough for Santa Claus.

What do you think I'm
doing in the chimney? Oh.

What's all that smoke?

Where's that coming from?

Lucy, I started a little
fire in the fireplace.

You started a fire
in the fireplace!

Well, I thought it
would be kind of cozy.

Why did you have to
pick today to be cozy?

Because I didn't know
you were going to pick today

to fall in the
chimney, that's why!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Go get the ladder.

Why?

Go get the ladder.
Don't ask questions!

Just go get the ladder!

Why? Why?

Just go get the
ladder and hurry up!

Lucy, I'm getting
pretty good at this.

I'll be right there.

Hey, look, just
like a circus, Lucy.

Huh?

Don't I look like that?

You look like one
of the elephants.

Now what do I do?

Just put it across the gable.

Yeah.

That way, we'll get leverage.

Put the side down
here. Leverage?

Yes. Make a seesaw.

A seesaw? Yes.

Now, you go on
down the other end.

Are you kidding?!

No, you go down the other end!

That's way out
there over the roof

where it slants the most.

Go on down the other
end. We've got to get a...

How you going to
get me out of here?!

I don't know... All right,
go down to the other end.

It's not getting any
cooler in here, Viv.

If you look up,
you're not as scared.

That's nice.

Just keep looking up, but
get down to the end of it.

Okay, now what do I do? Push?

No, sit on it.

Sit on it?!

Will you sit on it, Viv?

And hurry up!

You had to start a fire in here.

Are you ready? Yeah.

I just teeter-totter,
huh? Right.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, Viv!

Viv! Oh, Lucy!

Viv! Viv!

Viv! Viv, are you
there?! I'm here! I'm here!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Have you got any
more brilliant ideas?

Well, first thing you'd better
do is put out this fire, sister!

How can I put out the fire?

The ladder's broke.
Oh, that's right.

Well, what are we going to do?

Well, the kids will be home

from school pretty soon.

Oh, no! Chris is
having her music lesson,

and the boys are going to
play football till dinnertime.

Viv, what are we going to do?

I don't know!

I hope you're satisfied!

Thanks to you, we've
got a hole in the roof,

we've got to buy a new window,

and we've got to pay
Harry for his ladder.

And heavens knows
how much damage

that smoke is doing downstairs.

Saving $40... your glorious idea

of saving that money is going
to cost us about 100 bucks.

That's right, pick on me
when I'm stuck in here

getting hickory-smoked hips!

What's that?

It's fire engines.

Where's the fire?

Lucy, it's here!

Oh, there's...

You ought to see
the trucks down there

and there's lots of
men just milling around.

There's a lot of smoke,
Chief, but no fire!

Hey! We're up here on the roof.

Would you, would you
come and help us down?

We'll be right up.

There seems to be something
stuffed in your chimney.

Oh. He says there seems to be

something stuffed
in the chimney.

No kidding.

Hey, Lucy, they're cute.

Wait'll you see what's
going to appear over that roof.

You ladies all right?

Well, hi, there!

Nice of you chaps to drop in.

We'll get you out of there.
Won't take but a minute.

Well, now, what's your rush?

Just take your time.

Oh, boy.

Can you make it to the ladder,
or do you want me to carry you?

Well, I think you
better carry me.

Oh!

I don't think I could
walk to the ladder, either.

Oh, fellas, that was delicious.

You can cook for me anytime.

Thanks, Mom.

Doesn't the chef have someone
to do the dishes for him?

Come on.

Cleaning dishes is a
lead-pipe cinch with Swan.

The dishes were
easy, but look at

the greasy pots and pans.

Good grief!

Did you fellas use all those?

We needed them to make
our beefsteak Sherman.

I thought we were gonna
call it beefsteak Jerry.

Those Swan suds will
last to clean all those pans

even if you argue all night.

But if you don't hurry up,

you're gonna be
late for your campout.

There.

Gee, those pans really shine.

So do my hands.

They feel like a girl's.

That's the point.

Swan's mild, too.

We'll toughen our hands
at the campout, Jer.

Come on, fellas.

You better get going.

Not without Swan.

Oh?

We'll need it if we're the chefs

and make beefsteak Sherman.

Beefsteak Jerry! Oh, come on.

Beefsteak Sherman!
Out, out, out!

♪ Swan keeps ♪

♪ Sudsing and sudsing
and sudsing and sudsing ♪

♪ The grease cutting-est ♪

♪ Grease cutting-est suds. ♪

The Lucy Show was
brought to you by Swan.

New pink liquid Swan for dishes,

with long-lasting suds
that keep cutting grease

till the whole job's done.

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