The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 10 - Vivian Sues Lucy - full transcript

Viv trips over one of Jerry's toys and suffers a minor ankle injury. Upset that Lucy thinks she'd sue over this little mishap, Vivian decides to teach Lucy a lesson. Exaggerating her injury and threatening to call her lawyer, Viv ...

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Oh, yeah.

Well, h-he's awfully cute.

Well, he's probably married.

Oh!

Oh!



What a mess!

Oh, my.

It looks like our three
little litterbugs struck again.

You know, this would
make a great picture

for the cover of Better
Homes and Dumps.

Chris, Jerry, I want to see you!

Sherman, I want to see you, too.

Be down in a minute, Mom.

You know, it's funny,

Chris and Jerry get A's
for neatness in school.

So does Sherman.

But apparently, the
strain is too much.

The minute they walk
through that front door,

all their suppressed
sloppiness breaks out.



Did you want us for something?

I most certainly do.

Will you look at this room?

What's the matter with it?

What?! What's
the matter with it?!

Look at all that mess and junk.

That's not mess and junk.

Those are our things.

Exactly... they're your things

and they're scattered
all over the room.

Now, how does this look?

It looks lived in.

Now, I want every one
of you to get down here,

get your own things, and
put 'em where they belong.

On the double.

Goodness sakes.

Oh, honestly, this room
looks just like a pigpen.

I'd be embarrassed to
death if a friend walked in.

Friend? I'd be embarrassed
if a pig walked in.

Hurry up now.

Get all those things
where they belong.

Jerry, those are
yours; pick 'em up.

Oh!

Well, now, it's beginning
to look a little better.

If you say so.

And I said so.

Go on.

It's an awful lot of
trouble to go through

just for a friend or a pig.

Now, Sherman...

it's not just to be neat.

It's for safety's sake.

Do you realize if
somebody walked in here

and slipped and fell that
Aunt Lucy could be sued?

Really?

Oh, yes, sir.

The owner of the house
is liable for accidents.

She could be sued
for every cent she's got.

Oh, Viv.

Now, Lucy, I mean
it; this is serious.

Well, luckily, nobody ever
comes in here but our friends.

They wouldn't sue us.

Don't you be too sure.

Where money is concerned,
friends can get very funny.

Well...

Say, speaking of money, Viv...

I know, I know.

I'm behind in my rent.

I'm sorry, girl, but Ralph's
behind in his alimony, too.

Yeah, well, I hate to nag about
it, but the bills are piling up.

I owe the butcher, the baker,

and if I don't
pay the light bill,

I'll owe the candlestick maker.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

I've been looking for
the check every day.

It'll be along any
day now, I'm sure.

I just hate to ask Mr. Barnsdahl

for an advance on my allotment.

Yeah, I know it.

What happened?

Vivian, what happened?

Oh, for Heaven's sake!

Help me up.

Oh, honey. Oh, dear.

What happened?

Oh, I slipped and fell and
hurt my foot... my ankle.

Is it bad? Well, I-I don't know.

I-It's kind of a
sprain or something.

What happened?

What's wrong, Mom?

Oh, nothing, now, Sherman, dear.

I-I just took a little
fall, a little spill.

Is it broken?

No, honey, nothing's broken.

How'd you happen
to fall, Aunt Viv?

Oh, I-I slipped on
Jerry's little racing car.

Thanks! I wondered
where that was.

Oh, you did?

I hope that this has
taught all of you a lesson

about picking up your toys.

Now, Aunt Viv might
really have been hurt.

Yeah. Should we call Dr. Parker?

Oh, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

No, I think I better, Viv.

Well...

Is Aunt Viv going
to sue you, Mom?

Of course not. Sue her?!

Good friends don't
sue each other.

What a silly thing to say.

There, is everything all right?

Fine, just fine.

Oh, Hi, Mr. Barnsdahl.

I was on my way to the bank.

I saw Doc Parker leaving.

You sick?

No, no, it's Viv.

She fell and hurt her foot.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that, Mrs. Bagley.

Was it serious?

Well, the doctor
says it's just a sprain.

He won't have to shoot me.

Yeah, that's very funny.

Uh, would you care for a
cup of coffee, Mr. Barnsdahl?

Oh, no, thanks, I
haven't got time.

Oh, yeah, come on,
have a cup of coffee.

You work too much.

You never slow down.

All you do is work, work, work.

A cup of coffee will
never bother you.

Come on.

You got plenty of
time for a cup of coffee.

I just want to ask you
something in private.

Is my liability
insurance paid up?

You don't have
liability insurance.

We let it lapse.

You are in charge of my affairs.

Why would you do a
dumb thing like that?

Because when I told
you it came due last year,

you said, and I
quote, "Oh, pooh."

Well, maybe I'm
worrying for nothing, I...

No sense getting
myself in a tizzy.

What are you talking about?

Well, Jerry left
his little racing car

in there on the
floor of the pantry,

and Viv slipped on it and fell.

Let me get this straight.

Do you mean that your
son carelessly left his toy

on the floor of the
pantry of your house,

and Mrs. Bagley
fell and hurt herself?

That's right.

Go ahead, get
yourself in a tizzy.

You mean, I've really got
something to worry about?

That woman in there can sue you

for everything you've got...

Your house, your
furniture, your clothes.

Oh...

Well, Vivian Bagley's my
oldest and dearest friend.

She wouldn't... Where
money is concerned,

friends can get very funny.

That's strange.

What is?

That's exactly what my
oldest and dearest friend said

just a few minutes ago.

Aha!

I told you so.

She's probably been
waiting all these years

for the opportunity to
take you to the cleaners.

Oh, I can't believe it.

There's one way to make
sure... Get her to sign a release

promising not to sue.

Oh, I couldn't do
a thing like that.

Well, why not?

If Mrs. Bagley is such a
friend as you say she is,

she won't object
to signing a release.

Well... all right.

I'll write out a
simple release form,

and you can get her
to sign it right now.

Hello, Mr. Bender.

This is Vivian Bagley.

I hate to bother you big
lawyers with my small problems,

you know, but I'm afraid

you're going to have
to get after Ralph again.

He's behind with
my alimony check.

Well, this month
it's pretty urgent

'cause I just had
a little accident

and I think I'm going to
have some medical expenses.

Broke my foot!

Well, you're my lawyer.

I'll take your advice.

What do you advise?

All right, I'll sue.

We're too late.

She's on the phone
to her attorney.

She said she's going to sue.

I told you so.

When they smell money,

friendship goes out the window,

but you've got to get
her to sign that release.

But how am I going
to get her to sign it

if she's already decided to sue?

Get back in there
and butter her up!

And while you're reminding
her of your wonderful friendship,

shove a pen in her hand and
get her to sign that release.

All right.

Well, Mrs. Bagley, I must say

you're looking
much better already.

Thanks.

Well, I'll have to run along
now and leave you dear friends

to have a friendly chat.

Uh... ta-ta.

What did you put in his coffee?

Oh, nothing.

Viv, honey, uh, I'd
like to talk to you.

Uh, dear, how long have
we known each other?

Well, we met in the Waves and...

The Waves, that's it.

We were swabbies together,

standing side by side in
the uniform of our country.

♪ Shipmates stand together ♪

♪ Don't give up the ship ♪

♪ Fair or stormy weather ♪

♪ We won't give up,
we won't give up ♪

♪ We won't give up the ship. ♪

Lucy... what brought that on?

Well, Viv, I...

Could I put your foot over here

and just sit down
a minute? Uh-huh.

You know, honey, I-I was just
thinking about our friendship,

you know, you and me and
how long we've known each other,

and I just never told you

how much your
friendship means to me.

Friends like us would never want

to make the other one unhappy,

you know, and we'd never,
we'd never have a fight

or we'd never be
mean to each other

or we'd never sue each
other or, or we'd never have...

Oh, say, Lucy, Lucy... What?

Speaking of suing, my
lawyer says I'm going

to have to sue Ralph
for my back alimony.

Oh, that's what you were
talking about on the phone.

Uh-huh.

What did you think?

Nothing, nothing.

Why should I think anything?

Wait a minute.

"Swabbies," "shipmates
stand together,"

"good friends
would never sue"...

Lucy!

Did you think I was
going to sue you?

No!

Well, I should hope not.

Oh, I should hope
not, too. Why, Lucy...

No...

"I, Vivian Bagley,
hereby waive th..."

Lucy, this is a release.

You did too think I
was going to sue you.

How could you
think a thing like that?

Well, you were the first
one to talk about suing

when we were
picking up the kids' toys

and you were talking about
suing on the telephone.

How do I know that
that telephone call was

about your alimony?

Well, if that's all you
think of my friendship

and if that's all you
think of my honesty,

I am going to sue you.

Oh, you wouldn't.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Viv,

you sure you don't
want to sign that?

Lucy.

I'm ready for my lunch now.

Mom, you've been waiting
on Aunt Viv like this for a week.

Aren't you getting tired of it?

You're darn right I am.

But as long as she
keeps threatening to sue,

I'm going to keep making
like Florence Nightingale.

Do you really think
she's going to sue you?

Well, all I know is

if I don't jump every
time she rings that bell,

she starts to dial her attorney.

Lucy, I'm ready
for my lunch now.

I'll be up in a minute, Viv.

Can I take that up for you?

No, honey.

Thanks a lot, but apparently,

the only thing that
eases her pain is

the sound of me tramping
up and down those stairs.

By now, my legs think I'm
halfway up Mount Everest.

Oh, Mom, I'm going
ice skating with the kids.

Will you pick us up later?

Well, that all depends

on what time Tinker
Bell lets me off duty.

Lucy.

Yeah?

Would you please bring
me the morning paper

when you come up, dear?

I'd like to know what's
going on in the outside world.

Okay.

Lucy!

Would you bring my
typewriter, too, dear?

I want to answer
my "get well" cards.

All right.

Lucy...?

Yes?

Would you be a lamb and
bring up my knitting, dear?

It's somewhere there
in the living room,

where I left it.

Lucy!

What?

Would you bring the
phone up here, dear?

Please?

Viv, is there anything
else you'd like?

No, dear, I can't
think of a thing.

Oh, yes.

There is one thing.

Would you bring up
that bowl of fruit, dear?

Lucille?

Yeah?

What kept you, dear?

I'm sorry to seem so impatient,

but you know how important
food is to us shut-ins.

It's really all we have
to look forward to.

Uh, would you please put
that over here on the bed

where it'll be handy
for me to dial?

Right there.

Right in there, thanks.

Thank you.

Lucy?

Oh, I forgot.

Oh, dear.

Lucy.

What now?

You forgot to plump me.

That's it.

Oh...

A little more, a little more.

I'm plumping, I'm plumping.

What now?

Would you please cut my meat?

Oh, come on, Viv.

You hurt your
foot, not your hand.

I wonder if my
attorney is in his...

I'll cut it, I'll
cut it, I'll cut it!

Later on this afternoon,

I think you ought
to change the water

in all my flowers.

Will you, dear?

Oh, it was so sweet
of Mr. Barnsdahl

to send them all.

Yeah, sweet.

Lima beans?!

When you mentioned beans,

I thought you
meant string beans.

But lima beans
are your favorite.

Well, I'm just not in the mood

for lima beans today.

I want string beans.

Well, I'm sorry; I'll go down

and get a needle and
thread and string 'em for you.

I'll get the beans.

Don't call your lawyer.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

How's your poor, poor foot?

Oh, I think it's going
to get well today.

Really? Yes.

I want to get my hair
done this afternoon.

You going to let Aunt
Lucy off the hook?

Right after I eat this lunch,

I'm going to march
downstairs and tell her.

Say, Mom,

couldn't you have just
pretended to sue Aunt Lucy

without staying in bed
and letting her wait on you?

Well, I could have pretended,

but it wouldn't have
been nearly as much fun.

Hi.

How's the patient today?

I don't think you'll
need your flowers.

Why not?

I have a hunch she's recovered.

What makes you think so?

A little barefoot
bird just told me.

What?!

Just a minute ago,

I heard footsteps up there,

coming from her room,

and I'm positive it was
the rare yellow-tufted faker.

Listen... There they are again.

You hear that?

And Vivian Bagley is
the only one upstairs.

Wait a minute.

You haven't actually seen
her on her feet, have you?

No. Well, then, the fact

that you heard her footsteps
doesn't mean a thing.

You've got to see her walking.

Well, I'll catch her
walking, and when I do,

I'm going to give her
a bill for my services

as a private nurse at $30 a day.

Not to mention what
a pillow-plumper gets.

Sit down.

You sit down and wait for me.

Just stay here.

Here, I'm sorry I was so late,

but Mr. Barnsdahl came
in, and I had to talk to him.

Oh, that's all right.

I finished my
lunch without them.

Oh.

Don't you want them?

No, thank you.

Would you please
take the tray away?

Oh, uh, Viv... Uh-huh.

I think I'll go into
town for a while.

Oh?

Uh, yeah, I'll be
gone about an hour.

Okay.

Or maybe more.

Okay.

See you later... About
an hour... or more.

Okay.

Good-bye, Viv!

Shh.

Aha!

"Aha" what?

Aha!

So, there's where
the telephone book is.

I've been looking
all over for it.

Well, now, if you're
going into town, dear,

why do you need
the telephone book?

Uh, I want to sit on it.

Uh, the-the-the-the...
the seat's low.

Uh, I can't see over the wheel.

I'll, uh, see you later.

Uh-huh.

Lucy?

What?

Before you go,

would you bring
me up a cup of tea,

please?

Certainly, dear.

Any luck?

No.

Boy, she's one of
the unbudgeables.

Maybe we made a
mistake, and she's not faking.

I better try the flowers again.

No... wait a minute.

I haven't played my trump card.

What's that?

Help! Help! Help!

What are you doing
hiding behind the drapes?

Oh! How did you get in here?

And who are you?

What?

You're a prowler?

Help! Help! Help!

Help!

Somebody, please, help!

Take your hands off me!

Don't you dare hurt me!

Take your hands off me!

Help!

Help!

You're going to murder me?

You're going to
have to catch me first.

Take your hands off me!

Help! Help!

Somebody, help, help!

Help!

Lucy.

Lucy. What?

Where is my cup of tea?

Fine friend you are.

First you sue me, and then
you don't care if a prowler

has me by the...

Oh, it's a...

Oh, what now? It's a...

What now? A mouse!

Oh, come now.

You can do better than that.

A big, fat mouse!

Oh, this is your greatest
performance of all time.

Really, Viv!

Lucy, I applaud you.
There he goes, on the bed!

There he is!

It's right there.

Get off my chair!
Get off your own chair!

This is my chair! There he goes!

Let's get out of here now!

Aha! You can walk!

Walk?! Watch me run.

You saw her. You're a witness.

You saw her run.

You saw her!

What happened?

Her other foot.

Aunt Viv, you're supposed
to stay off your feet.

Oh, I know, but
something smells so good

I just had to hop on down.

It's this coconut
cream pie I just baked

made with Jell-o
coconut cream pie filling.

Say, you're getting
to be quite a cook.

Thanks, but making pies is
a cinch with Jell-O pie filling.

That's why Mom says it's
the creamy, easy answer

to "What's for dessert?"

I adore coconut.

Then you'll love Jell-O
coconut cream pie filling.

'Cause it's got lots of real
shredded coconut mixed in it.

It's amazing.

That gorgeous big pie
started with this little box.

Well, as long as I hopped
all the way down here,

let's make it a
paying trip, huh?

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The creamy, easy answer
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