The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 6 - Lucy Becomes an Astronaut - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

The Lucy Show is
brought to you by

Jell-O Pudding & Pie Filling,

the creamy, easy answer
to "What's for dessert?"

Hup!

Hup!

Hup!

Well, how do I look?

Hey, sharp, Mom!



What are you doing in
your old WAVE uniform?

Viv and I are going
into New York.

What are you two going to do,
march in the Old Vet's Parade?

Yes, it's in our honor.

There aren't many of us left

who served with
Admiral Dewey at Manila.

Oh, what are you
really going to do?

Well, Jane Corey, our
old commanding officer,

has invited us to lunch.

She's traveling
around the country now

trying to interest women
in the space program.

Hey, I'm impressed, Mom.

You know somebody
who works for NASA.

Whatsa?



NASA... you know,

National Aeronautics
and Space Administration.

Oh, that NASA.

Oh, hi, Aunt Viv.

Hi, Chris.

Viv, what happened to you?

Nothing happened to me.

This is what I get for sending
my clothes to a cheap cleaner.

Say, how come your
uniform looks so good?

Oh, I don't know,
I guess it's just

a matter of keeping
yourself in shape.

You know, like we
used to do in the Navy.

Aha! You had your
jacket let out, didn't you?

Well, did you or didn't you?

Only my dressmaker
knows for sure.

Lucy, I just can't go like this!

Oh, come here, Viv, come here.

Now, I'm sure I can
button your jacket.

Well... Come on, now,
pull your stomach in.

I said pull in your stomach!

It is in!

You're kidding!

For me it's in.

Oh, it's no use.

Just forget the whole
thing and you go by yourself.

Oh, now, Viv, please!

I'm not gonna let Jane Corey
see me bursting out of this uniform.

Oh, Viv.

Wait a minute, you can
take my waist cincher,

the one that I bought so I could
squeeze into my black sheath.

That thing? It's
too uncomfortable.

Aw, please, Viv?

Well, all right.

I'll go up and lace myself
into that straightjacket.

Okay.

But I'd a lot rather stay home
and wallow around in my muumuu.

Hurry up.

Now, you have been
asked to attend today

because I feel that
women of your caliber

will provide the nucleus for our
future women-in-space program.

Lucy, I think I'm going
to have to go into the hall

and take a walk.

I can't breathe in this thing.

I told you not to
eat my dessert.

I think I'm going to faint.

You can't faint...
You're in uniform.

Stick around and watch.

Now, I have some big news.

On Monday, as part of our
women-in-space program,

we are going to conduct
a psychological test.

We're going to put two women

into a simulated space capsule

for a period of 24 hours...

for a compatibility test.

My, isn't that exciting?

Lucy, I think I really
am going to faint.

What'll I do?

Bend over and put your
head between your knees.

If I could bend over, I
wouldn't have to bend over.

To help us conduct
this experiment,

I am going to ask for
two of you to volunteer.

I know how I can help
you get your breath.

Well, I am proud to say
that we have our volunteers.

They got somebody.

Oh, good.

Lucy Carmichael
and Vivian Bagley.

This will be your home
for the next 24 hours.

Now, this is the intercom.

This is where we keep the food.

Uh-huh.

Now, this is your bed.

You push this button...

it comes down.

You push it again...
and it goes back up.

Now... excuse me...

This is what is known
as the chicken switch.

Chicken switch?

Yes. I know you two will
prove to be compatible,

but if at any time you feel you
simply can't take it anymore,

pull the switch,
the door will open.

Any questions?

Uh, negative.

Good luck.

Thank you. It's our honor.

Oh, yes, I'm sure it'll
be a thrill of a lifetime.

Okay, girls, here we go.

I'll see you in...

24 hours.

Oh, yes. Good-bye.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Well, now, it's
small, but it's cozy.

Oh, yes, it's cozy,

if you don't mind spending
24 hours in a footlocker.

Well, let's not start
out by being grouchy.

I've got a right to be grouchy!

Why didn't you let me tell Jane
that we didn't really volunteer?

And let her think
that we're cowards?

I am a coward.

Well, I'm not, and I
don't want her to think

that my best friend is a coward.

Anyway, it's too late.

We've already blasted
off the launching pad.

Now, dramatizing it isn't
gonna make it one bit better.

Do you realize
Eddie had invited me

to a big party tonight and a
lot of Broadway celebrities

were going to be there?

Oh...

Communications Center calling.

Do you read me? Over.

Uh...

Hi, Jane.

Uh, I mean, uh,
we read you. Over.

We read you just fine.

Everything all right? Over.

Everything A-OK.

Uh, lift-off normal. Over.

From time to time
during your flight,

we'll be in communication
with you, and you can reach us

through your intercom
at any time. Over.

Will do.

Uh, condition here is go-go.

Over and out.

I think your mind is gone-gone.

Lucy?

What?

It's kind of small, isn't it?

Negative.

It's all the room we need.

After all, we're not
gonna be giving a dance.

But there aren't any windows.

You know me and
my claustrophobia.

I get panicky if I have to make
a call from a telephone booth.

Oh, that's just silly...
It's all in your head.

You bet your sweet life it is!

What are you gonna do?!

I'm gonna pull
that chicken switch!

Oh, no, you're not! Oh, no,
you're not! Oh, yes, I am! I am, too!

Oh, no, you're not... I'm gonna
see this thing through. I'm not!

Yes, you are! Yes, you
are! No, I'm not, Lucy!

I'm not gonna do it! I'm not
gonna do it! Now, look, calm down.

Take it easy, Viv, take it easy!

Calm down, and I'll give
you something to eat.

What? I said I'd give
you something to eat.

Food? Yes.

Now, sit down.

Just sit right down there,
and I'll serve you dinner.

Oh.

Fine.

Let's see, now, what's
on the menu for dinner?

Roast turkey and baked potato.

Oh, that sounds great.

What's this?

That's your roast
turkey and baked potato.

What do we eat it with,
a fork or a toothbrush?

You eat it like this...
I saw it on television.

How's your turkey?

Not bad at all.

Mine tastes like all white meat.

How's yours?

Wouldn't you know,
I got the gizzard.

What are you eating?

I don't know, it's labeled
mid-afternoon snack.

What does it taste like?

Fried licorice whips.

You know, Viv...

Viv?!

Viv, this is no time
to go over the hill!

Viv? Viv?

Oh, Viv.

Viv?

Oh, Viv, say something.

Talk to me. Say something.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,

you've certainly cured me of
my fear of telephone booths.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, you should be sorry.

I'm sorry, Viv,
I didn't mean it.

Really, I didn't mean it.

Where are you going now?!

I'm gonna pull
that chicken switch!

No, you're not gonna pull
that chicken switch! Yes, I am!

Don't you want this
experiment to be a success?

Don't you care what
people think about you?

Double negative.

Listen, now you stop.

We have got to stay in here

to prove that women
can be compatible.

But we're not compatible!

Oh, yes, we are compatible!

And don't you give me
any of your back talk!

We're about as compatible as...

Communications calling.
We're going to prove that...

Communications calling.

How is everything?

Let me talk to her!

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm busy right now.

Can I call you back?

Hey, Mom, that's a
wonderful picture of you.

Thank you.

But where are you, Aunt Viv?

Right behind your mother's arm.

Well, now how did that happen?

Remember, you were
saluting the "Earth people"

on your return from outer space?

Don't feel bad, Mom.

I knew it was you. I
recognized your ear.

Thanks, darlin'.

I'll go tell Cynthia to
save her paper for us.

Oh, that's a good idea.

You two go and get as
many copies as you can.

Okay. Hurry up now.

Hello.

Yes.

Oh, really?

Oh, Viv,

somebody from one of
the papers in New York.

They saw our story
in the Danfield Tribune

and they want a
feature story on us.

Yes?

Yes, this is Ensign Carmichael.

No, I'm the one saluting.

Well, no, no, it wasn't too bad,

although my helper, Bagley,
experienced some claustrophobia

and panicked at one point.

Yes, well, I took command
and concluded the experiment.

Well, thank you, but I was
more than glad to do my part

to further man's
conquest of outer space.

No, no, they
haven't said anything

about my going into
a real orbital flight.

Well, if and when they
do, it's A-OK with me.

Over and out.

Well, thanks a lot.

What's the matter, dear?

Because of you,
I'm soon to be known

all over the world as
"Chicken Switch Bagley."

Now, I was just
trying to give the story

a human interest angle.

Well, this is one
human it doesn't interest.

And what's with
all that orbital jazz?

What makes you think
they'd be crazy enough

to send you into outer space?

Well, now, they might

and I just wanted them to
know that I was available.

Remember what
our President said:

"Ask not what your
country can do for you,

ask what you can
do for your country."

Harry!

Hi.

Congratulations.

It took every
flower in my garden.

Thanks, Harry.

I'll give it to Lucy,

and I only hope she can squeeze
it on over her swelled head.

What's with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.

I'm just fed up with
Colonel Glenn Carmichael.

Oh?

She's taking it pretty big, eh?

Well, you know Lucy.

That big?

Yeah. And you haven't
even heard the worst.

Yeah?

She's hinting that she may be

the first woman
into outer space.

Oh, boy, that's too much.

Yeah, you're darned
right it is too much

and I'm going to do
something about it.

What?

Well, I'm working on a plan.

Yeah, what is it?

She says she'd be happy to
be the first lady into outer space.

I'm going to make her the
happiest woman in the world.

What are you going to do?

She's going to be
the first lady astronaut,

or at least she'll think she is.

Ooh, how are you
going to work it?

With a borrowed
space suit, and you.

Good.

What do I do?

You just go to your
little house next door

and make a phone call
from Cape Canaveral.

Hi.

Hi, Lucy.

I'm sorry I took so long,

but I had to sign autographs
for the kids at the market.

Lucy? What?

This box came for you.

Oh? What is it?

Oh, it's from NASA!

I wonder what it is.

Yeah, I wonder what it is.

Hello.

Yes, Ensign Carmichael is here.

Just a minute.

It's long-distance from Florida.

Florida? Yes.

Hello.

Yes, this is Ensign Carmichael.

Yes, sir.

Me, sir?

Off in the wild blue what, sir?

Oh, good grief, sir.

Oh, no, sir.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye, sir.

What's up?

Me, at Cape Canaveral.

What do you mean?

That was the head of
NASA ordering me to report.

I've been selected to
train as a lady astronaut.

Oh, that's wonderful, Lucy.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

It's just what you wanted.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just what I wanted.

I wonder what is in this box.

Oh, Lucy, look.

It's a space suit.

Space suit?

Yes, isn't that darling?

Yeah, darling.

Shh.

How are we doing?

Oh, great.

She's upstairs now
putting on her space suit.

She's just scared stiff.

Lucy?

Harry's down here.

Don't you want to come
down and say good-bye?

Oh, you must have been
great on the telephone.

She really fell for it.

Oh, I almost broke up.

"Yes, sir. No, sir.

"Oh, good grief, sir.

Off in the wild blue what, sir?"

She's coming, coming.

Oh, Lucy, you look marvelous.

Lucy? Lucy?

Yeah?

Viv just told me the news.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Say, when do you blast off?

Well, they didn't say,

but anytime at all
is all right with me.

Lucy, you're certainly
being brave about this.

I'd be scared stiff.

Yeah, well...

There's nothing to
be scared of, Viv.

She's got the greatest minds
in the country behind her.

Besides, what's the worst
thing that could happen?

What? What?

You might overshoot your
target on the splashdown.

"Splashdown?"

Yeah, you know, when
you land in the water.

But I can't swim.

Carmichael, remember.

"Ask not what your
country can do for you,

ask what you can
do for your country".

But I collect for the Red Cross,

I buy Savings Bonds,

I was with the WAVEs.

How much does that man in
the White House want from me?

There, there, there, there.

Astronauts don't cry.

I guess not.

Besides I might
short-circuit my controls.

Darling. What?

I don't want you to worry
about Chris and Jerry.

I'll take care of
them in case...

well, in case anything happens.

What do you mean "in
case anything happens"?

Isn't this just routine?

Lift off, zip around a couple
of times, and splashdown?

Well, usually, yes,
but you know, in space,

what goes up doesn't
necessarily have to come down.

You mean...

the rest of my life?

I wouldn't worry.

It's an outside chance.

I'll get it.

Maybe Cape
Canaveral's fogged in.

Hello.

Hello, Lucy. This is Jane Corey.

Oh, hi.

I thought I'd stop by and
pick up that space suit,

if you're through with it.

Oh?

Frankly, I couldn't
see the point of it,

but then you and Viv were
always playing jokes on each other

in the Navy.

Tell me... did the gag work?

Yes. Yes, uh-huh.

Fine. I'll see you
later then. Bye.

Okay, good-bye.

That was Chris.

I'm so glad that I could hear
her voice once more before I go.

Yes, that's nice.

But I guess I might
as well face it...

Something might... happen.

So if I do just...

would you do me a favor?

Every year on my birthday, would
you ask the people of Danfield

to turn on their lights?

Yes, sure.

We promise.

And, Harry, if by chance,

on one of your flights if you
happen to see me up there,

so I won't be lonely, will
you waggle your wings?

Yes, sure, I'll waggle.

And, Viv,

I appreciate your offer to
look after Chris and Jerry

and I'm gonna take you up on it.

You're the dearest,
most wonderful woman

in the world, and
you're practically

their second mother anyway.

And Harry...

Harry, you're my dearest friend,

so I want you two
to raise my children.

Lucy, don't go!

What's the matter with you, Viv?

She's not going.

That's right. I forgot.

Lucy, I've got
something to tell you.

This is all just a big joke.

I've got something
to tell you, too.

That was Jane
Corey on the phone,

and I know it!

That was a dirty trick.

One dirty trick
deserves another.

Well, you had it
coming to you...

Walking around
here so big-headed.

And you were just as
mean as she was, Harry.

Well, us
old-fashioned jet pilots

are just nasty, that's all.

Lucy, you should have
seen the look on your face

when you thought you
were really going into orbit.

You were scared green.

Now, just wait a minute.

Apprehensive, maybe, excited,

but not scared.

As a matter of fact,

I was just a teensy
weensy bit disappointed

that it was a joke.

Now imagine what
a thrill it would be

to be the first lady astronaut.

And there I'd be...
Zooming into space.

Just me and the
stars and the universe.

That sounds plenty A-OK to me.

Making history,
advancing science,

doing something...

The Lucy Show was
brought to you by...

The creamy, easy answer
to "What's for dessert?"

Another fine product
of General Foods.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today