The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 4, Episode 16 - Gopher's Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack! - full transcript

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone



♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

I do not think
this is funny, guys.

Gopher, we had no idea it would
go this far. We're really sorry.

- It was supposed to be a little joke.
- Little joke?

Sending phony love letters
to some love-starved pen-pal

and signing my name,
that's a little joke?

Gopher, we had no idea she'd
come here all the way from Quebec.

Well, when she gets here, she's
going to be your problem and not mine.



You wrote the letter,
you do the explaining.

WOMAN: [FRENCH ACCENT]
Excuse me. I'm looking for Gopher.

- BOTH: We're Gopher.
- Wait a minute.

- I'm Gopher.
- Oh! I'm Nicole Aubert.

- How do you do?
- I'm fine.

I've been standing here waiting for
you. I was afraid you'd miss the boat.

Forgive me for arriving
on short notice like this,

but the tone of your
letters was getting serious.

So I thought it would be best if
we met and got to know each other.

I did the right
thing, n'est-ce pas?

Oh, yes. Oui, Oui, Oui,
We should get to know one another.

- [BOTH CLEAR THROAT]
- Nicole, these are two friends of mine.

- Dr. Bricker, Isaac Washington.
- It's really wonder...

Doc, do you mind?
This is our first meeting.

Why don't I just show you
to my... uh, to your cabin?

Sure.

- Hello.
- Jack Clayton.

- Welcome aboard.
- You get a lot of people, don't you?

We've been sold out for months.

Let's see, Mr. Clayton. You're
on the Fiesta Deck, cabin 132.

- Right.
- And I'm Helen Mann.

Well, welcome aboard, Miss
Mann. Let's see, your cabin is...

I'll show her.

That's funny. How would he know?

Simple. She's in his cabin.

Be sure the Coco Chanel article
is on my desk before I get back.

I'll finish the article on
divorce without pain.

I'll phone that
in from the boat.

Be sure to call Duchamp in Paris.
He always works better under pressure.

Oh, uh... Excuse me?

- Yes, may I help you?
- We're the Beachams.

Welcome aboard, Mrs.
Beacham, Mr. Beacham.

Um... That's not
Mr. Beacham. This is.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um... Your cabin is through
those doors and to the left.

- Thank you.
- Well, that's about it, Jason.

Just be sure they leave enough space
in the next issue for a double spread

on femininity in women's lib.

See you when we get back.

Uh... My typewriter?

I certainly hope this cruise will be
a wonderful vacation for you both.

Well, if you're betting on
me, I'm about even money,

but you'd better give pretty
big odds on my roommate.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Kay Tindall.

Hello, let's see... Tindall.

Yes, you're on the
Promenade Deck, cabin 350.

- And you're traveling alone, right?
- Afraid so.

- Oh, not for long.
- Let's hope you're right.

Thanks.

[HORN BLASTS]

Oh!

- Very nice.
- Oh, it's lovely.

- We're going to have a lot of fun.
- Where's your cabin?

I'm really glad you agreed
to come on the cruise.

- Is it on this deck?
- Mm-hm.

- Across the hall?
- It's closer.

- Next door.
- It's closer.

- Oh, isn't that your bag?
- Uh-huh.

Well, I wonder why they
didn't put it in your room.

- They did.
- I thought you said that this was...

You're in this cabin?

Mm-hm.

With me?

When I invited you I
thought you understood.

Understood? We have known
each other for exactly two weeks.

When you asked me
to come on this cruise,

I never dreamed that you
were thinking of playing house.

- I'm awfully sorry.
- I'm going home.

You can't. We're at sea.

Well, then, you're leaving.

To go where? There are no other
cabins available. You heard the captain.

- The ship is sold out.
- That's your problem.

- Out!
- Helen, be reasonable.

Out!

Out!

Ned, this is all too
distracting. I can't concentrate.

I'd better go back to the cabin.

Margo, this is supposed
to be a vacation.

Darling, I have to finish this.

- Can't it wait?
- No, I'm on a deadline, Ned.

Why don't you get
yourself a drink?

I'll be back before you
finish your first Piña Colada.

I don't drink piña coladas.

Oh, don't be such a snob.

It's tiny, isn't it?

Oh, ah... Well, yeah.

We'll be crowded
in here, won't we?

- Oui.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Champagne, to
welcome you aboard.

- Merci, - Merci beaucoup,

- Sure, OK.
- Um, Nicole.

To you and to getting
to know each other.

- Can I see you just for a minute?
- What?

Gopher, you cannot keep her
here. You know the regulations.

If the captain finds out, he'll
bounce both of you right off this ship.

- I'll risk it.
- Are you crazy?

Have you lost your mind?

At least give her a job as a
chambermaid or something.

That way, she'll have
her own quarters,

a job, and you two can see each
other without getting into trouble.

I'll sleep on it.

You're both nuts!

- Sorry, Doc. We're not...
- You turned her over to me, remember?

- Welcome aboard the Love Boat, Nicole.
- Oh, you're so kind.

Thanks, Doc, but like I said,
we're not receiving company.

- Problem, gentlemen?
- BOTH: No, no problem at all.

Would I be prying if
I asked who that is?

- Who?
- Where?

Her. There.

Oh, her! Who is she, Doc?

- That's Nicole Aubert, from Quebec.
- Oh.

- And what is she doing here?
- What is she doing here? Gopher?

She's the new chambermaid.

Then I suggest you direct
her to the staff quarters

- and report to your stations.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Chambermaid? I don't know
anything about being a maid.

- Believe me, it's a very simple job.
- Nothing to it.

[WHIRRING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me, sir.

Is there something wrong
with the bathroom in your cabin?

Mm-mm.

- You do have a cabin?
- Mm-hm.

Then why are you
shaving in here?

My girlfriend is very shy about
changing in the same room.

Oh.

- There! Nothing to it.
- That was easy, wasn't it?

- Very.
- Let's see. We've made the bed.

- Done the vacuuming.
- I should do something.

No. Let me take this. It's
much too heavy for you.

Plenty of time for that. You'll
be soloing soon enough.

Now, let me show
you the rest of the ship.

Doc, don't you have any office hours
or patients or medical responsibilities?

- Me?
- Yes, you, Doc.

- I was looking for you in your office.
- I was just leaving.

I've been trying to tell him
that duty comes first, sir.

- Then what are you doing here?
- Me? I was just leaving.

- Can I get you something from the bar?
- Yes, one of everything.

You want that in a
glass or a salad bowl?

[CHUCKLES]

- I want something exotic.
- Are we still talking about the drink?

- Yes.
- Huh?

- What?
- You?

No. Yeah, sure. Mai
Tai, Scorpion, whatever.

Right.

Uh...

Excuse me. Is there any reason that
you're carrying your luggage with you?

Phobia. I'm afraid of being robbed.
I like to be close to my shorts.

Well, if it'll make you feel any
easier, I've been working here for years

and no one has ever
ripped off any underwear.

Isaac...

Are many of these
girls traveling alone?

- Yeah, quite a few.
- Oh, really?

- Why do you ask?
- My landlady kicked me out.

I wondered if one of these girls might
be interested in taking in a boarder.

NED: Medic!

Medic!

- Another casualty, Mr. Beacham?
- Yes, and so young.

War is hell! I'd better find
you another replacement.

I hope I'm not
intruding on your grief...

but I thought I should
pay my last respects.

That's very kind.

Are you related to the deceased?

No, not exactly, but I'm
acquainted with some of his relatives.

- Do you two know each other?
- Not officially.

This lady is one
of the mourners.

Mr. Beacham, Mrs. Tindall.

- Ned.
- Kay.

Did he say "Mrs."?

[SIGHS]

Don't you just hate a big mouth?

Actually, I'm a widow lady.

And what about you?
She said, hopefully.

Oh... I am an old married man.

That figures. The good
ones are never free to play.

I may be a lot freer
than I had planned on!

- And what about your homework?
- Finished.

Including my
French, and Algebra.

OK, then you can stay
at the dance till 10:30.

Excuse me.

Go ahead, Vicki. I'll
catch up with you later.

Still shy?

She wouldn't come out
from under the bed till I left.

Strange!

Excuse me.

You'd make a lousy
ad for a fun-filled cruise.

Hello, Kay.

Far be it for me to pry,
but I can't wait to find out

why an attractive male-type fella
like you is having dinner alone.

- Wife seasick?
- Wife working.

- On a cruise?
- Wife's a very busy executive.

- She doesn't have time to get seasick.
- Ah.

Sounds like the flip
side of my late husband.

Two workaholics. They'd have
made a great set of bookends.

Well, actually, I'm
not really complaining.

Margo's about the best thing
that ever happened to me.

- Ned, I'm so sorry!
- Darling.

I didn't realize
how late it was.

Kay, I'd like you to meet my
wife, Margo. This is Kay Tindall.

- Hi, Kay.
- Hello, Margo.

Honey, I got so involved
I just lost all track of time.

I guess we should have
booked the late sitting.

Yes.

Well, I think it's about time
that I put on my drinking shoes.

Please don't go, I wish you'd
stay and keep Ned company.

- I've got to go back to work.
- You what?

Honey, I can't help it. The
office just called. Amelia's sick.

I have to do the editorial.
There's no one else.

But you haven't
even had your dinner.

Well, I'll have a sandwich
sent up to my cabin.

Thanks for helping out.

Have fun, you two.

You heard the lady. Let's...

Let's go for it.

Oh, Gopher, thank you
so much for this dress.

It's the most beautiful gift I ever had.
But I can't keep it, it's so expensive.

No, no, I insist, Nicole.
You look fantastique!

Besides, it makes up for you
being stuck as a chambermaid.

But that wasn't
your fault, Gopher.

I shouldn't have come
on short notice like this.

But then, I... I couldn't resist
your sweet, tender letters.

Letters?

- Oh, the letters. Right.
- Especially the last one, remember?

Sure. How could I forget?

You wrote,

"How do I love thee? Let me
count the ways. I love thee..."

How does it go after that?

Well, uh... "How do I love
thee? Let me count the ways."

- Want a hint?
- No, I don't want a hint!

- "Let me count the ways."
- Good evening, Nicole.

- Hi.
- You look absolutely stunning tonight.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. We were
just talking about Gopher's letters.

Oh, I can't wait to hear
Gopher quote them.

They're personal! "Let
me count the ways..."

They were beautiful.
Gopher is so romantic.

- And he hides it so well.
- "Counting the ways..."

- I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
- Not anymore.

- We're going dancing.
- Great idea, let's do it.

Oh!

I love it, all this
attention from two men.

It's so, um, so... What's
the word I'm looking for?

- Um...
- Crowded!

[BAND PLAYING SOFT JAZZ]

Hi, Helen. Would you
reconsider and let me come back?

If I have to sleep on
deck, I'll freeze to death.

- Good.
- You don't really mean that!

You do really mean that.

Good night, Mr. Clayton.

Oh... Pleasant dreams.

Excuse me. I don't have
a place to sleep tonight.

I was wondering if you had a
place in your heart and your cabin

for a lonely...

Is she with you?

Have a nice evening.

You'd have liked
Peter. Most men did.

He sounds like a man
who enjoyed his work.

I'm not sure "enjoyed"
is the right word.

But whatever it was that
drove him, he couldn't quit.

Till I finally gave him
a choice, work or me.

And?

Well, he agreed, reluctantly,

that it might be time to get out of
the rat race and start enjoying life.

His timing was a little off.

Three weeks later, I buried him.

I'm sorry to hear that, Kay.

He did leave me very well fixed, though.
I'm one of the rich kids on the block.

And I'd swap it all for a pair
of warm feet on a cold night.

Well, have you tried
the Yellow Pages?

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Not yet. Any other suggestions?
- Sorry, I'm taken.

Are you?

[BAND STOPS PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS]

Merci,

- Would you like a drink or anything?
- Oh, that would be nice.

Something exotic, please.

BOTH: I'll get it.

Isaac, make me a double
Hawaiian Hula Hummer

with crushed ice
and an umbrella.

Give me a triple Tropical Passion
Punch with plenty of pineapple and papaya.

And a peeled peach.

Make mine a quadruple, with
four umbrellas and six cherries.

Double whatever he has
and then triple what I have.

And I want an olive, an avocado
and you know what else I'd like?

A stomach pump.

Excuse me. Would
you care to dance?

Oh...

- I guess it would be all right.
- Thank you.

Nicole. Where is she?

Straight off your port bow.

- Nice going, Gopher. You scared her off.
- I scared her off?

You're the one that's
been coming on like a sailor.

Come on, I acted like
a perfect gentleman.

Well, she's not interested in
perfect gentlemen. She likes me.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, that's so.

Wait a minute,
Gopher, this is silly.

Why don't we stop
acting like a couple of kids

and let Nicole choose
between us on her own?

We'll just be ourselves.
No trickery, no lobbying.

Whoever she picks, she picks.

Deal?

- Hm?
- Deal.

OK. May the best man win.

What time do you think
we'll be getting into Mazatlán?

Oh, about 10:30
tomorrow morning.

- Do all those cute sailors go ashore?
- No, no, most of them stay on board.

Good! What about you?

Uh, I have my duty. Excuse me.

She's a very slow dresser.

- Are you aboard alone?
- So far.

Oh, well, do you believe
in love at first sight?

Well, it depends on the sight.

Oh! Well, how would you feel
about renting out half your cabin?

It's possible, but I wouldn't
know what to charge you.

- What are you willing to give me?
- What do you want?

I'll pay it.

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Attention all passengers,

We will be arriving in
Mazatlán in 15 minutes,

For those passengers going on the
tour, buses will be waiting at the dock,

Olé, amigo! Ready
for the taco tour?

As soon as I can drag
Margo from that phone.

- Good luck. See you on the dock.
- Right.

Harry, don't tell me your
problems. I have enough of my own.

Margo! Come on, darling.
We're getting into port.

It's Harry Wheeler. Exactly what I
need right now, another headache.

Now, wait a minute. You put that
phone down. You get your tail into gear.

Come on!

Harry, just a moment.

Honey, I can't
go. It's impossible.

After I get off the phone,
I've got an article to get out.

Then I have these
notes to try and decipher.

Why did you even bother
to come on this cruise?

- [MUFFLED VOICE]
- Yes, Harry, I'm still here. Go ahead.

Nice going, Doc. I thought we
had a deal, and you're cheating.

I'm cheating? What are you,
a float in the rose parade?

Doc, listen to me. Now, look. To
you, Nicole is just another conquest.

- I really like her.
- You're not serious?

Doc, I know it started
as a bad joke, but I'm...

- Well...
- You are serious.

As a friend, I would
like you to step aside.

Gopher, I had no idea.

Here, take it.

All the best.

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

- Nicole?
- Gopher!

- [WHIRRING STOPS]
- Here, for you.

More gifts? Thank you.

Look, I'm off duty right now.
You want to go for a swim?

Oh, I'd like that, but I have
a lot more rooms to clean.

Oh. Well, I'll tell
you what, I'll do it.

You run down and get changed.
I'll meet you on deck in half an hour.

But can I help? There are
at least a dozen rooms to do.

Oh, no. I can
handle this. Really.

Oh, you're sweet. Thank you!

- Bye.
- Good luck.

[WHIRRING]

I still don't understand why
you're dispossessing me.

Well, you never know. I
might find a better tenant.

But keep in touch, just in
case I don't rent out your room.

- Have a nice day.
- All right. Thanks.

- Good morning.
- Yeah, for some people.

- Did you really sleep here?
- Do you really care?

- You really did sleep here?
- What choice did I have?

Jack, you must have frozen.

No, it really wasn't that bad.

[COUGHS]

I'm sorry. I hope you
understand how I feel.

It's just that I'm old-fashioned, and I
don't believe in an instant roommate.

Of course I understand.

And don't worry,
really. [COUGHS]

Whatever happens, I deserve it.

[COUGHS] And I do
have hospitalization.

Well, you are a
speedy little devil!

Good luck in your new location.

What was that all about?

Uh... Well, I had the
chair in the shade.

[COUGHS] And it got chilly.

So... [COUGHING] I
brought it to a sunnier location.

There really are no
other cabins available?

Not a one.

Well, I guess I'd better hurry if I'm
going to catch that tour. Are you going?

I can't. I'm afraid
they'll rent out my room.

I'll see you.

Yeah. Stop by anytime, now
that you know where I live.

[LAUGHING]

- I wish we could have stayed longer!
- Are you kidding?

If we'd stayed any longer, you'd
have turned into an enchilada junkie.

I know. Isn't it awful? I
just love Mexican food.

Where do you put
it? It doesn't show!

Oh, well! At last I'm
making some progress.

You aren't touching, but
at least you're looking.

[SIGHS]

You know, this is the most
fun day I've had since...

- Well, in a long time.
- Well, I'm glad. I enjoyed it, too.

- I hope you mean that.
- Of course I do.

You're fun to be
with, and you're pretty.

More! More!

And you laugh at all my
jokes, even the old ones.

- We do go well together, don't we?
- Like frijoles and beans.

Frijoles are beans, and you're not
going to joke your way out of this one.

You're starting to
sound a little serious.

Ned, I was beginning to feel

that days like today would
never happen for me again.

This is the most comfortable I've felt
with anybody since... since Peter died.

- Kay, slow down.
- No, let me finish.

Most people never get
one shot at the brass ring.

If there's a second chance
for me, I don't want to blow it.

Kay, I'm married!

And, in spite of the problems
we're having now, happily married.

In fact, today is our 25th
wedding anniversary.

I hear you. I'm not asking
you to get unmarried.

I'm not even asking
you to leave Margo.

All I want is some
more days like today.

And some of the nights.

No. You're not
being fair to yourself.

Hey, who said anything
about being fair?

Fair doesn't get you a shoulder
to cry on when you need it.

Or somebody to talk to

when you're lonely enough
to start climbing the walls.

Ned, Ned, let me
worry about being fair.

Kay, I don't want
to mislead you.

Then don't worry
about misleading me.

Just think about what I said.

If there's any misleading
to be done, I'll do it.

JULIE: [OVER PA] We hope
you enjoyed your day in Mazatlán,

- Hi.
- Gopher, are you all right?

You took so long. I shouldn't
have left you doing all that work.

No problem, I'm a tiger.

- It's such a nice day.
- Yeah, sure is.

We're going to
have a lot of fun.

- Bonjour, Nicole.
- Hi, Frank.

- I really enjoyed our dance last night.
- Thank you. I did, too.

I understand they discovered a lot
more ocean on the other side of the boat.

- Oh!
- Would you like to go for a walk?

Oh, I can't. I'm here with Go...

- I don't think he'd mind.
- I'll ask him.

Gopher? Gopher, do you mind?

He doesn't answer.
I guess it's all right.

And I feel guilty
about locking him out.

You really didn't know you
were supposed to share a cabin?

Julie, I wouldn't have come.

I know I'm some kind of a
dinosaur, but those are my values.

I think you should
stick to them.

On the other hand, he is paying for the
cabin. He should be able to sleep there.

- Well, do you like him?
- I thought I did, until this happened.

Well, he really should've
told you what was going on,

but I guess in today's
world, that's sort of assumed.

- What would you do?
- Oh, well...

I'd consider how I felt about him,
and the possibility of a relationship.

- And then how I'd feel about that.
- Mm-hm.

Then I'd think about
the way he invited me.

- And then?
- Then I think I'd be mad as hell.

Well, that's exactly where I am right
now, but I can't help thinking about it.

Well, you should take your time with
that. Remember, you've got the bed.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You were right, Ned. I'm glad
we came on this cruise. It is fun.

It'll even be more fun if you don't
get that phone stuck in your ear again.

You resent it that much?
My working, I mean.

I think I resent
what it's doing to us.

We don't have any
time together anymore.

I seem to remember those same
words coming out of me, about you.

Sure, but we had a
good reason back then.

We had children
to raise, bills to pay.

I never blamed you, Ned.

It's just that when the kids were gone
there were all those empty days to fill.

So I had a choice
of three things,

become an alcoholic,
get a job, or have an affair.

Since I don't really
like the taste of booze,

and I always was and always
will be a one-man woman...

I know and that's fine.

But darling, now that I am
retired and I have time to play,

you have picked up my old habit.

What's happening?

[GUESTS MURMUR]

Ladies and gentlemen, please join
us in wishing Margo and Ned Beacham

a very happy 25th
wedding anniversary!

Well, darling, blow out the candles
before you set the ship on fire.

Congratulations. I hope you're
with us on your 50th anniversary.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Ned.

Darling... happy anniversary.

I realize silver goes with 25 years, but
you know how expensive that's gotten.

So, I'm afraid you're going
to have to settle for diamonds.

Oh, Ned!

I just... I'm sorry. I forgot.

- Are you angry?
- No.

No.

But Margo, we do have a problem.

I'd hoped this cruise would give
us enough time to talk about it.

We have time. Let's talk.

All right.

You know, it took me 35 years

to realize there's more to
life than succeeding at work.

Thirty-five years
and then I quit.

Now, we have enough to travel, to
play, to do anything we want to do.

And fortunately, we're still
young enough to enjoy it.

But you, with this new career,
you've become the old me.

And sweetheart if it's going to take you
35 years to come to the same conclusion,

the ball game is over.

Darling, I want to share
my life with someone.

I hope it'll be you.

All right.

- My turn...
- MAN: Excuse me.

There's a phone call for you,
Mrs. Beacham. It's from New York.

They said it was important.

Thank you.

Ned, can we pick this up later?

Sure.

Sure.

- Hi.
- Hi, Helen.

- I didn't see you at dinner.
- No, I was late.

It took me a while to get dressed.
I had company, in my bathroom.

It's been
uncomfortable, hasn't it?

I'm adjusting. And if I ever
want to be a stowaway...

Look, I've been thinking.

This whole thing isn't
fair. You paid for the cabin.

It's rightfully yours.
You should be there.

Are you saying I can come home?

I don't think it's right to ask you to
sleep out on deck for the whole trip.

- You won't be sorry!
- I know I won't.

Have them radio this ahead...

- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, Captain.

- Yes.
- I won't need this anymore.

On second thought, I've got
a new location for that sign.

We were saying... Please
have them send them out.

Yes, sir.

[BAND PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC]

- Hi, Isaac.
- Hey, Doc. The usual?

Yeah, please.
How's it going, Goph?

I can't sleep. I can't
eat. I can't function.

- I'm tortured.
- It's Nicole, right?

I'm hooked, Doc. I'm
thinking of proposing.

No more drinking for you.
It's starting to affect your mind.

Marriage is a very serious decision.
I'd think about that, if I were you.

I have, Doc. I've thought about it
a lot. And she's what I want. I think.

Well, go for it!

Yeah, Nicole would
be lucky to get you.

OK.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

- Good luck, Gopher.
- Go for it!

- Go out there and get her, man.
- Congratulations!

- I sure hope that's not contagious.
- I'll drink to that.

- Helen?
- I'll be out in a minute.

- I'm almost done.
- Take your time.

Ah! Yeah!

- All set.
- Great.

- Why are you wearing that?
- It gets cold up on that deck.

- What are you talking about?
- I said you could have your cabin back.

- I have to sleep someplace.
- Well, you don't have to sleep there.

- You can...
- Oh, no. That's really sweet of you.

But I couldn't put you
out again. Fair's fair.

I'll see you in the
morning. Good night.

But Helen...

You know, Nicole,
when you came on board,

there was no real
commitment between us.

That's true. I came
here all on my own.

But this ship does
funny things to people.

The most unlikely people,
they meet and they fall in love.

I know.

It's almost insane the way you can
know somebody for so short a time

and yet feel that, deep
down inside, it's right.

It can even happen to an
old hardened sea dog like me.

I know what you mean. The
same thing has happened to me.

- Well, that's wonderful!
- You're not upset?

- Upset? Why should I be upset?
- I came on board to meet you.

And now I've fallen in
love. I couldn't help it.

- Don't fight it.
- Such a wonderful man.

- Warm, considerate, thoughtful...
- It's true. It's all true.

- So tall and handsome.
- Well, one out of two.

Frank and I are so grateful
to you for bringing us together.

Oh, well, now, Nicole. Really...

Frank?

If I hadn't have come to meet
you, I never would have met him.

We're getting married! And we
owe it all to you, dear Gopher.

Thank you for everything.

Hey, Goph. When's the wedding?

- Ask Frank.
- Frank?

- Frank.
- Who's Frank?

Frank is the guy who has
the one thing that I need

to make my marriage a success.

Nicole.

Helen? You awake?

It's too cold to sleep.
What are you doing here?

I can't let you do this. Go on
back to the cabin. I'll stay here.

It's cold.

I guess I deserve to freeze. I was wrong
asking you on this cruise the way I did,

and you were right to
react the way you did.

- Take the bed.
- Are you sure?

You know, you're
really sweet to do this.

I'd never go to sleep
knowing you were out here.

- Well... Good night!
- Good night.

Um... Jack!

- Come on.
- You're sure?

Who wants to sleep, anyway?

Ned?

- I've been looking all over for you.
- I had a lot of thinking to do.

I know. So did I.

I made a decision.

Well, if it's not too
late, I've made one, too.

No matter what happens, that damn thing
is never going to come between us again!

I quit, but I did it in 32
years less than you did.

Are you sure?

I've never been more
certain of anything in my life.

[SPLASH]

And when we get back,

I'm going to find you the best
anniversary present you ever saw!

Uh-uh. You already
gave it to me.

For a trip that had such
a bad start, it ended great.

I'm just sorry we wasted that
first night you slept up on deck.

Uh, I didn't sleep on deck.

You didn't? Where'd
you find an empty bed?

Well, it wasn't empty.

Oh.

Well, you can file that
memory away for your old age

because that is the last bed you're
going to share with anyone but me.

You've got a deal!

Excuse me. There's a telephone
call for you, Mr. Beacham.

For me? You sure it's
not for Mrs. Beacham?

- No, it's for you.
- Thank you.

Hello?

Hi. This is your wife,
your full-time wife.

- Where are you?
- Right behind you.

I just wanted to
tell you I love you.

GOPHER: Thank
you for sailing with us.

Well, it's time to say goodbye.

Well, listen, you two. I wish
you the best of luck, really.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Gopher, for everything.

- I'll never forget you. Bye.
- Bye, bye.

- See ya.
- Bye, bye.

So long.

Why him when she
could have had me?

Well, at least I won't have
to clean any more cabins.

- Wasn't that the maid?
- She's leaving.

- Marrying one of the passengers.
- Really?

The cabins on her deck
have never been cleaner.

- We'll just get a new chambermaid.
- No, don't bother.

Gopher has learned
the job so well,

I think I'll let him
keep right on doing it.

Excuse me. Um...