The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 6 - Mike and Ike/The Witness/The Kissing Bandit - full transcript
A meek guy dons a mask and goes out kissing every girl on the ship. But he meets a girl whom he connects with. A couple who are friends of Isaac's whom he performed with on the streets, are now successful and rich and have a young son. But his father spends more time on work than with his son. And a woman follows a guy whom she knows witnessed what happened to someone she cares about and urges him to come forward.
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Hello. May I be of help?
Are you the person
in charge? That's me.
Then you must be Gopher.
No, I'm Merrill.
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Oh, dear. I'm sorry.
I really just need
someone to tell me
where Promenade 344 is.
It just so happens I'm
headed in that direction myself.
I'd be, uh, very
happy to escort you.
That's very kind of you.
Hello, welcome
aboard. Thank you.
Uh, your name,
sir? Newton Weems.
Newton Weems. Yes,
sir. Newton... Weems.
I don't seem to have a Weems.
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
Oh, sir? Wait a
minute, Mr. Weems.
Uh, I'm sorry. It
was stapled over.
Sorry. It's okay.
It's not the first time
that's happened.
I understand how you feel.
I was left out of my
high school yearbook.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Roberta Potter.
Uh... Newton Weems. Heh. Hi.
Um, Mr. Weems, you're on
the Fiesta Deck, Cabin 130,
and Roberta, you're right
down the hall, Cabin 137.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I notice you two
are traveling alone.
Would you like to sit at
the same table for dinner?
Oh, uh...
Yeah, it's okay with me.
Is it okay with you, Newton?
NEWTON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, uh, sorry
about the yearbook.
(chuckles)
Bye. Oh, God, sir.
No, no, no, no, no, it's
okay. Thank you, I've got it.
Sure. Bye, enjoy your cruise.
Bye-bye.
Kind of nervous. Yeah.
Kind of cute, isn't he? Uh-huh.
Well, not that cute.
Oh, Michael, very fancy.
I told you a long time ago,
nothing but the
best for our family.
Don't... Don't sit there, son.
WOMAN: Leave him alone,
honey. He's exhausted.
And besides, that
suit itches him.
Itch? That's a
hundred-dollar suit.
Ike.
Lenore. Hey!
(both laugh)
Oh, fantastic. Oh, yeah.
Hey, Mike. Mikey.
How you doing, Ike?
How you doing?
You look terrific.
You look rich.
(both laugh)
I had heard you two got married,
but I didn't know
about this guy here.
This is our son, Michael. Shake
hands with Mr. Washington.
How do you do,
Mr. Washington? Hey.
Hey, you can just call me
Ike, little brother. All right?
Hey, listen, just
between you and me, uh,
doesn't that suit itch?
It certainly does.
I give you my official
permission to scratch.
Come on, Michael, let's
go to the cabin and change.
Okay. Ike, I'll see you later.
Lenore, that's what you
said 12 years ago. Oh.
Please, I have to
be on this cruise.
Right. Ah!
You're in luck, Miss Henderson.
Had a late cancellation.
Good.
Friend of yours? Not exactly.
Would you like me to
arrange an introduction?
We've already met.
Excuse me, uh, but
don't we know each other?
No.
I see that old line
doesn't work any better
for women than it does for men.
Well, it's all in the delivery.
Excuse me,
but, uh, haven't we
met somewhere before?
No. But nice try.
I think she's crazy about you.
Well, I still say we should've
taken a bus to Mexico.
Honestly, Fern, all
these things I've heard
about Love Boat Lotharios.
We are going to have to
be on guard every minute.
Will you hush, Muriel?
Now, you can't go through life
being terrified of
every man you meet.
Personally, I...
I intend to let down my
hair and enjoy myself.
Hi, ladies. Don't
you start with us.
(ship horn honks)
( upbeat theme playing)
(all cheering and laughing)
( quirky theme playing)
(gasps)
Bonsoir, ma chérie.
(yells)
( upbeat theme playing)
You still don't
remember me, do you?
We live in the same
neighborhood in New York.
We used to go to the
same place. Cody's, right?
I never heard of Cody's.
I've been to Cody's.
Great restaurant.
It's a bar.
Hey, Doc. How goes
Operation Romance?
The patient's okay.
The doctor just died.
( upbeat theme playing)
Let's drink a toast to
Lenore and the Escorts.
Yeah. (laughs)
Well, what's that?
"What's that?"
Well, when your dad
and mom and I were kids,
we used to have a group.
And we used to stand
on the street corner
singing all the top
tunes of the day.
LENORE: Yeah, we were a big hit.
(both chuckle)
And in a burst of inspiration,
we even created our
own original composition.
Oh, no. "The Language of Love."
MIKE SR.: Don't tell him
about that turkey song.
Hey, remember the
choreography we used to do?
Oh, yeah. Come
on, let's do that.
No way. Come on,
honey, it's gonna be fun.
We spent hours doing that stuff.
Yeah, man. I know
you didn't forget.
Did you forget, man?
Let's see, now. Oh, come on.
A one, a two, a one, two, three.
ALL: ♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
♪ Others say ♪
♪ "That's Greek to me" ♪
♪ But to us ♪
♪ It's poetry ♪
♪ The word is ♪
♪ Sensation ♪
♪ We don't need ♪
♪ Translations of our ♪
♪ Language of love ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ And you say ♪
♪ Shoop-boop-boop-boop-baby ♪
♪ I say ♪
♪ Sha-ma-na-ma-na-ma-na-ma-na ♪
♪ And you say ♪
♪ Fuzzy-wuzzy-wuzzy baby ♪
♪ And I feel so good
inside That I could cry ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ That's our language of love ♪
(deep voice): ♪ That's
our language Of love ♪
(crowd cheering)
We're a bit
rusty, but all right.
You gotta teach
me that song, Dad.
No, I've sung that
song for the last time.
Ike, will you teach me? Sure.
Oh, no.
That doo-wop stuff
was fine for back then,
but we don't need that now, son.
Come on, let's go get dressed
for the captain's
cocktail party.
Say, Mike, um,
I didn't mean to embarrass
you in front of your son.
Oh, it's cool, Ike.
It's just that my life's
going in a different
direction, that's all.
Hey, Ike, could you
teach me that move
that went along with
the "fuzzy-wuzzy"?
Um, I think you better check
that out with your father first.
Michael!
Please?
Okay, tomorrow.
And if you get good enough,
maybe Gladys Knight
will make you a Pip.
Yeah. (laughs)
( mellow theme playing)
(soft jazz music
playing over speakers)
Roberta, I see
you're not eating.
Well, I'm sort of looking
around for Newton.
Oh, he doesn't seem to be here.
Uh, Roberta, he did say
he might eat in his cabin.
That's okay, I can wait.
He's gotta come
out sometime. Okay.
( quirky theme playing)
( majestic theme playing)
(soft jazz music
playing over speakers)
It was very sweet of you
to give me a tour
of the ship today.
Ah, we haven't finished.
Perhaps later I can show you
the real heartbeat of the ship.
The engine room?
(whispers): My cabin.
Merrill, you're such a knave.
(chuckles)
Fern.
Fern, will you...? What?
Look at that.
And... And he is the captain.
You know, that's a nice
example he's setting.
Muriel, for heaven sakes,
we're here to have fun
and not to pass judgment on...
On the shabby moral
behavior of others.
Besides, if you keep gawking
around the room like that,
some Lothario is just
tempted to come...
Fern, Fern, do not turn
around. What do you mean?
One is coming right to us.
Mercy. Do...?
Do you think he
wants to hit on us?
(whispers): No, I think
he wants to take the order.
Oh.
This Table 14?
Yes, it is.
(chuckles)
I'm sure you're convinced
by now that I'm following you.
Well, I am.
I don't get it.
Look, I'm sure you
get to meet a lot of girls,
but it hurts my ego that
you don't remember me.
We were introduced by
the bartender at Cody's.
(sighs)
Of course, I, uh... I haven't
been back there for a while.
I heard some guy got
killed there last year.
Excuse me.
Wait.
You know, I don't understand
why she's trying so hard with him
when she could have
a good-looking
doctor like yourself.
Who knows, maybe
she's a Christian Scientist.
As the saying goes, if
at first you don't succeed,
go hit on somebody else.
Well, somebody
enjoyed his dinner.
My man needs his strength
to go skeet shooting tomorrow.
I can't wait.
(imitating gunshots)
Ike says they shoot off
the fantail from 10 to 11.
Huh?
Is that the only time? Yes, why?
I have this conference
call scheduled tomorrow
from 10 to 11.
Does that mean we can't go?
Not this time, son.
That's okay, Dad.
No. No, it's not okay.
This is supposed to
be a vacation, Michael.
We planned it especially
so you could spend
more time with your son.
Now, please, no business.
I'll make it up to you,
Michael. Promise.
Baby, do you know what it takes
to set up a conference
call ship-to-shore?
(laughs)
See, he doesn't mind.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to upset you.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe
you never been to Cody's.
Well, I have. A lot.
I was trying to wipe the
place out of my mind.
And I was there the
night the guy was killed.
I, uh... I understand
a bystander
tried to take the
killer's gun away
and he shot him too.
You wanna see the scar?
That was only the beginning.
Spent four months
in the hospital.
Ended up losing my job.
All because I stuck my nose
into somebody else's business.
But you must be glad to hear
they caught the
guy that shot you.
Well, I don't know
anything about that.
Oh, yeah, he's a
drug dealer, Mob guy.
It was in all the papers.
I must've missed it.
Surely they've asked you
to be a witness at the trial?
Getting a little
cold out here...
Look, I-I'm sorry, I'm
upsetting you again.
This must be a
nightmare for you.
And I've ruined your meal.
Look, if I promise never
to mention Cody's again,
will you come back inside
and join me for dinner?
Okay. Good.
By the way, the name's Suzanne.
Frank.
Now you can't
say we haven't met.
(chuckles)
( mellow theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
You cocktail waitresses
lead fascinating lives.
Hey, Doc. Doc, you gotta
get in here right away.
A guy just passed out
at the blackjack table.
Well, how'd it happen?
He won.
I'll be back in just a second.
Don't lose the mood.
( quirky theme playing)
Bonsoir, ma chérie.
(French accent):
Till we meet again.
Now, that's Orion's belt.
You see it? Uh, the
three stars right in a line?
And over there,
we have the Cygnus the swan.
Heh. That's my
personal favorite.
Now, let's see if we
can find Ursus the bear.
Oh!
Yes, there you
are, you little devil.
(chuckles)
And that, of course,
is the, uh, Little Dipper.
Little, but wow.
How long are you gonna
keep me in the deep freeze?
Until you start living
up to your promises.
Okay, honey. Hop in bed.
Listen, son, I'm sorry we
can't go skeet shooting,
but, uh, how would
you like to go fishing?
I don't know.
I've never done it.
Well, it's about time we went.
Day after tomorrow, we'll
be in Cabo San Lucas.
Best fishing in the world. You
know what we're gonna do?
You and me are
gonna charter a boat,
go fishing all day long.
Really? MIKE SR.: Really.
And that's a promise.
Good night, son.
Good night, Dad.
Have a good sleep.
Wait a minute, don't
forget to say your prayers.
( mellow theme playing)
Dear Lord, thank you for today.
And please bless Mom,
Dad and my man, Ike.
Oh.
And thank you for bringing back
Lenore and the Escorts. Amen.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na ♪
(chuckles)
( upbeat theme playing)
(ship horn honks)
Ready for breakfast?
Mm. Look out,
pancakes, here we come.
Mm. Mm.
Hey, Ike. Guess what?
Me and my dad are going
fishing in Cabo San Lucas.
All right.
Anything you can
tell me about fishing?
I wanna be real good at it.
All you need to
know about fishing
is that it's a lot of fun.
Unless, of course,
you're a fish.
Uh, but, uh, I've got
something that's really special.
It's, uh, my magic fishing hat.
Hey, Isaac, isn't that...?
Now, Mike, um,
you just put this
hat on your head,
and you don't have to worry
about hooks, bait or anything.
The fish sense the magic
and they just
leap into the boat.
Already cleaned,
scaled and filleted.
Oh, Ike. There's no
such thing as a magic hat.
Okay, you be the judge.
You mean I can have
it? Mm-hm. It's yours.
No kidding? Right on, partner.
Hey, thanks, Ike.
( magical theme playing)
(chuckles)
That's the fishing hat
your dad gave you, isn't it?
Yeah, but it was just hanging
up there losing all its magic.
I mean, look, no... No fish.
Not one single solitary fish.
( sultry theme playing)
But I am not making
up this story, Fern.
I mean, I was sitting right
next to the lady under the dryer,
and she said she
was standing alone,
and all of a sudden, this
masked man popped out
and he kissed her
on the Lido Deck.
Masked man. Hmph!
I'd like to see him try that
stuff on me, you know?
Hi, Newton. Ha-ha! Hi.
(laughs)
Hi, uh... Roberta.
Right.
So you, um, going into
Puerto Vallarta today?
No, I...
(yawning): I'm too
tired. I did a lot of work.
I caused that.
(laughs)
You worked, huh?
Well, what kind
of work do you do?
I'm a writer.
A writer?
Gee, I've never
met a writer before.
What, um...? What kind
of things do you write?
Films and television?
Novels, I bet. Maps.
I write maps.
You know, the names
of cities, gulfs, rivers.
All that, I write,
uh... I write maps.
Oh, that's fascinating. Heh-heh!
Gee.
Well, listen, I
hope you don't think
I'm being forward or anything,
but I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.
Tonight? Uh... I
don't know. I-I...
I have tons of
work to do and I'm...
Phew, I'm still full from
breakfast, you know?
I insist. I'll come by your
cabin and pick you up.
No, no, no, no,
no. Don't do that.
No, no. I'll, uh...
I'll, uh... Heh!
I'll meet you in the
dining room. Okay.
I promise. Bye. Yeah.
Bye.
(giggles)
( mellow theme playing)
Penny for your thoughts.
(chuckles)
Well, I was thinking
about that killer's trial.
It starts today.
Oh, yeah, I know all about it.
I'm supposed to be there.
How come you're not, Frank?
'Cause I'm scared stiff.
I don't blame you.
The guy has ugly
friends, Suzanne.
One bullet's enough. I
don't need to be a hero again.
But can they convict
him without you?
Nope.
Then a killer will be
walking around the streets.
Yeah.
But so will I.
( mellow theme playing)
Evelyn, I hope you don't mind
not sitting at the
captain's table.
I wanted to make this special.
A night you'd never forget.
(snaps)
(playing romantic music)
Enjoying your dinner,
Newton? Mm-hm.
Oh. Heh!
Very much, thank
you. Well, good.
Listen, shall we
top it off in style?
What do you mean?
Watch this.
Garçon.
Yes, madame?
We would like two flaming
baked Alaskas for two.
It takes 20 minutes to prepare.
Oh, it's worth the wait.
Besides, we're not
going anywhere.
Uh... I gotta go. I,
uh... I have to work.
Well, Newton, what
about the dessert?
No, I can't. I-I've really
stayed too long as it is.
Good night, Roberta.
I... I had a nice time.
But I...
(sighs)
FRANK: You know,
you're beautiful.
(chuckles)
I think I haven't felt this
relaxed with anyone in my life.
(sighs)
Hey, something wrong?
No, nothing. Come on.
I haven't held
anything back from you.
At least you can
return the favor.
Frank, look,
I know you're the kind of
guy that cares about people.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
have gotten involved
in Cody's that night.
I'm just wondering
how you can...
Duck my responsibility
as a citizen?
(sighs)
Sort of.
And then there's that
whole area of revenge.
Revenge?
Believe me, I spent four
months in the hospital
thinking about that.
But what good is it gonna
do me if I'm 6 feet under?
You have a definite point.
Hey, let's put
the trial over here.
Just enjoy being with
one another, okay?
Good.
( mellow theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
(Stubing laughing)
Have I told you that your
eyes are like two limpid pools?
Yes. About five minutes ago.
Oh.
Have I told you about your lips?
Uh-huh.
Merrill? Hm?
Well, I'm getting
kind of chilly.
Let's dance.
There isn't any music. Oh.
Uh, well, I'll run
and have the band
play something soft and lilting.
Okay. Be right back.
( quirky theme playing)
Of course you realize, Fern,
that we are playing
right into his hands.
Hush, Muriel, someone has to
stand up to this masked masher
and make this ship safe
again for decent people.
( quirky theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
There he is, that's him.
Whatever do we do?
Pull yourself together. Yes.
We'll scream. All right.
Ready? Uh-huh.
One. Uh-huh.
Two. Mm-hm.
Three.
Hey, you!
( dramatic theme playing)
Who was that masked man?
What masked man? Masked man?
(sighs deeply)
Evelyn, did he...?
Did he ever.
Evelyn, compose yourself.
We still have
plenty of time for us.
Not tonight, Merrill.
I have a headache.
(sighs)
( upbeat theme playing)
STUBING (over PA): Good morning.
Barges will be leaving
for Cabo San Lucas
every ten minutes from
the Coral Deck gangway.
Hey, you're late. You're
gonna miss that boat.
We're not going.
What?
My dad has to fly back home.
What's going on?
Got a chance to pick
up another dealership.
I gotta go back
and wrap things up.
You know I'm doing
this for you, don't you?
Yes, sir.
What kind of...?
Mike, doing it for him?
You're doing it for yourself.
This kid don't give a damn
whether you get one
more car dealership or not.
All he wants is a little
attention from his father.
Isaac, you're absolutely right.
He is not.
What do you know
about it anyway?
My dad's trying
make a lot of money,
so I can live a
better life than he did.
He doesn't want me
going and singing songs
on some street corner.
He wants me to go to college
and get a good education
and be somebody.
Not a jive bartender like you.
( melancholy theme playing)
I'm sorry.
My fault. I shouldn't have
opened my big mouth.
Oh, it's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Michael, don't you
see what you're doing?
You're wheeling
and dealing yourself
right out of our lives.
Darling, calm down. It's
been an emotional morning.
Now, why don't you
just go back to bed?
I've really got to
go. I'll call you later.
( mellow theme playing)
Are you ready for
breakfast? Mm-hm.
(chuckles): Oh.
You know something? What's that?
There is something I have
been meaning to mention to you.
What is that?
I'm falling in love.
Who with? You.
Frank.
Oh, I feel the same way.
I-I just wish that...
What's your wish,
what's your wish?
Name it, you got it.
Well, I just wish
we didn't have this... This
thing hanging over our heads.
What thing?
Oh, Suzanne. You're not
gonna start with the trial again?
Frank, listen...
Look, couldn't
you just call the DA
and ask for a postponement?
Look, I've... I've told
you how I feel about this.
(sighs)
Maybe I have to explain
things better to you.
Look, I'm in the middle
because some pusher
killed a junkie in a bar.
A loser, a bum.
He's a guy who was
throwing away his life anyway.
He's a punk, Suzanne, a nothing.
That nothing was
my brother Tommy.
(sobbing)
You mean all this
between us was just...
( upbeat theme playing)
Lenore? Hi, Ike.
How's Michael?
Oh, okay. Listen,
I'll be right up.
How's he doing?
He's locked himself
in the bathroom.
Mike? Hey, listen,
Mike, I got an hour off.
How about if you and I go
down and play some Ping-Pong?
MIKE JR.: No, thank you.
Boy, that kid sure is
polite. Just like his father.
You know, we
have everything now.
A beautiful home, lovely
clothes, lots of money,
and I've never been more
frightened in my whole life.
I feel like I'm losing Mike,
and I don't know
what to do about it.
Right now, those times
back on the street corner
look awfully good.
Lenore?
What are you doing here?
Well, I exercised my prerogative
as president of the company.
I told my vice president
to make the deal.
Michael? Daddy.
I know it's kind of late
in the day, and, uh...
And all the big ones are
probably all gone by now,
but, uh, would you still
like to go fishing with me?
Oh, wow.
All right. Ha!
Now, uh, how about an
apology for our friend here?
I'm sorry for calling
you a jive bartender.
Hey. And I'm sorry too, Ike.
Seems as though I've been
doing all the jiving around here.
Hey, forget about that.
Listen, I want you
guys to pick me up a...
A sea bass about, oh... so big.
You got it, Ike.
Hey, listen, I want you to
catch me some green beans
and some French
fries to go along with it.
How am I gonna
do that? Very easy.
With your magic hat.
( mellow theme playing)
I have never been so
shocked in my entire life.
Can you imagine the
nerve of that man? He...
He was a little like Douglas
Fairbanks. So dashing.
Came out of nowhere
and swept me into his arms.
No, no, no, Fern.
I believe he's, uh... He
was more like Valentino.
You know, arrogant.
Arrogant and... And sensual.
Personally, I think he
was more like Bogie.
Tough, yet gentle.
(sighs)
(men laughing)
JULIE: You guys.
Well, I should've known
I'd find you out here
having a nice time
rather than doing your jobs.
Uh, captain, I was just here
checking out all the passengers.
Making sure they were happy.
And I was just, uh,
studying how Julie works.
Might wanna be a
cruise director myself.
I was checking the
ambient temperature.
There might be
some flu in the air.
That makes no sense at all.
Oh, you want sense.
I, on the other hand,
was doing my job.
And it's about time.
Captain, somehow I
get the vague feeling
that possibly you're not in
the very best of moods today.
STUBING: Well, how
am I supposed to feel?
For Pete's sake, we have
a... A kissing bandit on board.
Well, I hear he's making
a lot of ladies very happy.
Well, I want him stopped.
Why, sir? Nobody's complaining.
STUBING: Well, I'm complaining.
It's got to the
point you can't even
take a female companion
for a stroll at night
without this wacko
spoiling every mood
you've tried to establish.
Oh, he's screwing
up your love life.
Why didn't you say so?
Well, I must say, he's not
doing a lot for mine either.
Now, what we need
is a positive plan.
Any ideas how we can
trap this kissing person?
Well, sir, if we wanna trap him,
we really need some
sort of bait, like a decoy.
Right.
Right. Right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Wrong.
Right.
(knock on door)
It's open.
Frank, can we talk?
Nothing to talk about.
I have to tell you about Tommy.
He wasn't a bum.
He was a sweet kid who went
to Vietnam and got wounded.
And that's how he
got hooked on drugs.
I don't need to hear all this.
Well, you're gonna hear it.
He kicked his habit, and when
that pusher approached him
that night in Cody's,
he threatened to turn
him in to the police.
That's the kind of guy he was.
Not a punk, not a nothing.
I've already called
the DA. What?
Not because of you
and your little game.
Because I suddenly realized
I couldn't live with myself
if that guy went free.
Now, will you do me a
favor? Leave me alone.
Frank... Would
you please just go?
( melancholy theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Captain, I don't like this.
I don't like it
at all. Not at all.
Julie, there is
nothing to worry about.
We'll never be more
than a few feet from you.
And Gopher and Isaac are
in position ready to pounce.
And you'll have no
trouble spotting him.
Everyone is at dinner.
The deck is deserted.
Okay.
(women chattering)
Dr. Bricker?
Mm.
Uh, ladies? Ladies?
For your own safety, I must
ask you to my cabin for a cocktail.
Oh. Oh.
STUBING: What?
Now, all you have to do
is casually stroll
back and forth.
As soon as you
see him, call out.
Oh, captain, this could just
be a big waste of time, though.
I mean, well, what if he
doesn't come after me?
Well, he will. The
man's unbalanced.
Oh, I mean, he'll go for anyone.
No, I mean... Happy hunting.
Thank you, sir.
Tallyho to you too.
Ah, how am I doing?
Oh.
( jazzy theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
GOPHER (whispers):
Julie, any sign of him?
No, not yet.
( romantic theme playing)
Hold it, you!
( action theme playing)
Okay, buddy, don't
try any rough stuff.
ISAAC: We've got him, sir.
Bonsoir, mes amis.
Till we meet again.
Well, we know
one thing for sure.
He's not French.
(band playing soft jazz music)
Care to share your ocean?
(sobbing)
Hey, most girls
laugh in my face,
they don't burst into tears.
Oh, Dr. Bricker, I've
messed up everything.
I came on this
cruise for one reason.
Frank McLean?
SUZANNE: Yeah,
but it's so complicated.
I tried to push him
into doing something,
and now I wish I'd
never... I love him.
I've already lost my brother.
I don't wanna lose him too.
Do you understand?
No, but I think
maybe Frank does.
( romantic theme playing)
Suzanne. Frank... Shh, shh, shh.
For once, let's not talk, huh?
There's something else
that I would rather do.
( quirky theme playing)
(sighs)
(knock on door)
Who is it?
ROBERTA: Uh, it's me,
Roberta. Can I talk to you?
Uh, no, I'm not here.
I... I mean, I'm here.
I'm sleeping, Roberta.
Well, no. I'm not sleeping.
I'm, uh... I'm working.
I'm working. Uh, boy, do
I have a lot of work to do.
I've been up all...
All night working.
Uh, working on a map.
Heh! Uh, how do
you spell "Tanzania"?
Uh, um, T-A-N-Z, uh...
I could come in and help you.
Thank you.
Hi. Hi.
Just, uh, working. Hm.
It's...
It's a map of some countries
you've probably never heard of.
Hm. United States.
Some are rather well-known.
(sighs)
Newton, what's going on?
You know, the first night you
don't even show up for dinner.
And the second night
we were having such a
wonderful time together,
and then you just left.
And then tonight you
didn't show up again.
Oh, and then to top it off,
you know that masked man
who's running around
kissing just anybody?
Took one look at
me and ran away.
Aw, Newton, what's
the matter with me?
Roberta, there's...
There's nothing
the matter with you.
I mean, uh, if you ask me,
there's something
the matter with him.
What do you mean?
Well, maybe he's
so scared of girls,
that he thinks he has to
dress up to steal a kiss.
Why would anyone
have to steal a kiss?
What's wrong?
Well, maybe he knew for sure
that nobody would
ever give him one.
Maybe he spent every
high-school dance
so scared, he couldn't
come out of the men's room.
Maybe he promised
himself that one day
he'd do all the stuff
he dreamed about,
and then he met a girl
that he really cared for.
And then the mask
didn't work, and...
And he ran away like a chicken.
(chuckles)
People don't have
to do that. Do they?
No, no. If it was me...
Like, I mean, if I met
someone, uh, like you
that I really cared
for, I'd just say...
"Can I kiss you?"
And I'd say yes.
( romantic theme playing)
Ah, mon cher.
Magnifique.
Oh, boy, you knew.
Are you gonna tell on me?
Roberta, we'll be
back in port tomorrow.
Do you have any
plans for the night?
Yes.
(groans)
A very late dinner with you.
( romantic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Thanks for everything,
brother. All right.
And especially
the hard, cold truth.
Now, come on, Mike.
You kind of deserved that.
(all laugh)
And you deserve this.
Thank you, Lenore.
Hey, thanks again,
Ike, for my magic hat.
Anytime, partner. Anytime.
Oh, and, uh, Ike, you're
gonna have to come visit us.
Michael Jr. can't get
that "fuzzy-wuzzy" move,
and I can't seem to
get it together, either.
Hey, well, for that, all you
need is some magic shoes.
All right. Ow!
(laughs)
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Take it easy. All right, man.
See you later,
Ike. So long, Mikey.
(laughs)
Frank, are we
doing the right thing?
Maybe we ought to
get back on that boat
and just sail away from here.
No way.
We're gonna see this
thing through together.
We owe it to Tommy,
we owe it to ourselves.
( romantic theme playing)
It was noble of me,
wasn't it? What?
The way I gave her up
so she could be with him.
Excuse me? Hm?
Have you seen Captain Stubing?
I'd like to say goodbye to him.
Well, if you wait right here,
he should be by
any minute, ma'am.
All right, thank you. You bet.
Oh, Fern, it's all over.
We're going home and I'm
never gonna see him again.
See who?
That mad Valentino
who kissed me.
If he kissed you,
he must be mad.
Anyway, it was
Douglas Fairbanks.
Don't start, Fern.
Don't start. Well, I'm...
Mr. Weems, you look very tired.
Did you spend the entire
cruise working in your cabin?
Oh, no. I did a lot
of work on deck too.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Gopher? Yes, sir?
Look at this. Where
did you get that?
A room steward
found it in the trash.
Now, can you imagine anyone
being silly enough to think
that wearing that
could be a turn-on?
(both laugh)
(chuckles)
It's him. Who?
It's him, it's him, it's him.
(women shouting indistinctly)
(Stubing shouting indistinctly)
Wait for us! Wait!
(woman continue
shouting indistinctly)
He's going up!
( upbeat theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Hello. May I be of help?
Are you the person
in charge? That's me.
Then you must be Gopher.
No, I'm Merrill.
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Oh, dear. I'm sorry.
I really just need
someone to tell me
where Promenade 344 is.
It just so happens I'm
headed in that direction myself.
I'd be, uh, very
happy to escort you.
That's very kind of you.
Hello, welcome
aboard. Thank you.
Uh, your name,
sir? Newton Weems.
Newton Weems. Yes,
sir. Newton... Weems.
I don't seem to have a Weems.
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
Oh, sir? Wait a
minute, Mr. Weems.
Uh, I'm sorry. It
was stapled over.
Sorry. It's okay.
It's not the first time
that's happened.
I understand how you feel.
I was left out of my
high school yearbook.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Roberta Potter.
Uh... Newton Weems. Heh. Hi.
Um, Mr. Weems, you're on
the Fiesta Deck, Cabin 130,
and Roberta, you're right
down the hall, Cabin 137.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I notice you two
are traveling alone.
Would you like to sit at
the same table for dinner?
Oh, uh...
Yeah, it's okay with me.
Is it okay with you, Newton?
NEWTON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, uh, sorry
about the yearbook.
(chuckles)
Bye. Oh, God, sir.
No, no, no, no, no, it's
okay. Thank you, I've got it.
Sure. Bye, enjoy your cruise.
Bye-bye.
Kind of nervous. Yeah.
Kind of cute, isn't he? Uh-huh.
Well, not that cute.
Oh, Michael, very fancy.
I told you a long time ago,
nothing but the
best for our family.
Don't... Don't sit there, son.
WOMAN: Leave him alone,
honey. He's exhausted.
And besides, that
suit itches him.
Itch? That's a
hundred-dollar suit.
Ike.
Lenore. Hey!
(both laugh)
Oh, fantastic. Oh, yeah.
Hey, Mike. Mikey.
How you doing, Ike?
How you doing?
You look terrific.
You look rich.
(both laugh)
I had heard you two got married,
but I didn't know
about this guy here.
This is our son, Michael. Shake
hands with Mr. Washington.
How do you do,
Mr. Washington? Hey.
Hey, you can just call me
Ike, little brother. All right?
Hey, listen, just
between you and me, uh,
doesn't that suit itch?
It certainly does.
I give you my official
permission to scratch.
Come on, Michael, let's
go to the cabin and change.
Okay. Ike, I'll see you later.
Lenore, that's what you
said 12 years ago. Oh.
Please, I have to
be on this cruise.
Right. Ah!
You're in luck, Miss Henderson.
Had a late cancellation.
Good.
Friend of yours? Not exactly.
Would you like me to
arrange an introduction?
We've already met.
Excuse me, uh, but
don't we know each other?
No.
I see that old line
doesn't work any better
for women than it does for men.
Well, it's all in the delivery.
Excuse me,
but, uh, haven't we
met somewhere before?
No. But nice try.
I think she's crazy about you.
Well, I still say we should've
taken a bus to Mexico.
Honestly, Fern, all
these things I've heard
about Love Boat Lotharios.
We are going to have to
be on guard every minute.
Will you hush, Muriel?
Now, you can't go through life
being terrified of
every man you meet.
Personally, I...
I intend to let down my
hair and enjoy myself.
Hi, ladies. Don't
you start with us.
(ship horn honks)
( upbeat theme playing)
(all cheering and laughing)
( quirky theme playing)
(gasps)
Bonsoir, ma chérie.
(yells)
( upbeat theme playing)
You still don't
remember me, do you?
We live in the same
neighborhood in New York.
We used to go to the
same place. Cody's, right?
I never heard of Cody's.
I've been to Cody's.
Great restaurant.
It's a bar.
Hey, Doc. How goes
Operation Romance?
The patient's okay.
The doctor just died.
( upbeat theme playing)
Let's drink a toast to
Lenore and the Escorts.
Yeah. (laughs)
Well, what's that?
"What's that?"
Well, when your dad
and mom and I were kids,
we used to have a group.
And we used to stand
on the street corner
singing all the top
tunes of the day.
LENORE: Yeah, we were a big hit.
(both chuckle)
And in a burst of inspiration,
we even created our
own original composition.
Oh, no. "The Language of Love."
MIKE SR.: Don't tell him
about that turkey song.
Hey, remember the
choreography we used to do?
Oh, yeah. Come
on, let's do that.
No way. Come on,
honey, it's gonna be fun.
We spent hours doing that stuff.
Yeah, man. I know
you didn't forget.
Did you forget, man?
Let's see, now. Oh, come on.
A one, a two, a one, two, three.
ALL: ♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
♪ Others say ♪
♪ "That's Greek to me" ♪
♪ But to us ♪
♪ It's poetry ♪
♪ The word is ♪
♪ Sensation ♪
♪ We don't need ♪
♪ Translations of our ♪
♪ Language of love ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ And you say ♪
♪ Shoop-boop-boop-boop-baby ♪
♪ I say ♪
♪ Sha-ma-na-ma-na-ma-na-ma-na ♪
♪ And you say ♪
♪ Fuzzy-wuzzy-wuzzy baby ♪
♪ And I feel so good
inside That I could cry ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ That's our language of love ♪
(deep voice): ♪ That's
our language Of love ♪
(crowd cheering)
We're a bit
rusty, but all right.
You gotta teach
me that song, Dad.
No, I've sung that
song for the last time.
Ike, will you teach me? Sure.
Oh, no.
That doo-wop stuff
was fine for back then,
but we don't need that now, son.
Come on, let's go get dressed
for the captain's
cocktail party.
Say, Mike, um,
I didn't mean to embarrass
you in front of your son.
Oh, it's cool, Ike.
It's just that my life's
going in a different
direction, that's all.
Hey, Ike, could you
teach me that move
that went along with
the "fuzzy-wuzzy"?
Um, I think you better check
that out with your father first.
Michael!
Please?
Okay, tomorrow.
And if you get good enough,
maybe Gladys Knight
will make you a Pip.
Yeah. (laughs)
( mellow theme playing)
(soft jazz music
playing over speakers)
Roberta, I see
you're not eating.
Well, I'm sort of looking
around for Newton.
Oh, he doesn't seem to be here.
Uh, Roberta, he did say
he might eat in his cabin.
That's okay, I can wait.
He's gotta come
out sometime. Okay.
( quirky theme playing)
( majestic theme playing)
(soft jazz music
playing over speakers)
It was very sweet of you
to give me a tour
of the ship today.
Ah, we haven't finished.
Perhaps later I can show you
the real heartbeat of the ship.
The engine room?
(whispers): My cabin.
Merrill, you're such a knave.
(chuckles)
Fern.
Fern, will you...? What?
Look at that.
And... And he is the captain.
You know, that's a nice
example he's setting.
Muriel, for heaven sakes,
we're here to have fun
and not to pass judgment on...
On the shabby moral
behavior of others.
Besides, if you keep gawking
around the room like that,
some Lothario is just
tempted to come...
Fern, Fern, do not turn
around. What do you mean?
One is coming right to us.
Mercy. Do...?
Do you think he
wants to hit on us?
(whispers): No, I think
he wants to take the order.
Oh.
This Table 14?
Yes, it is.
(chuckles)
I'm sure you're convinced
by now that I'm following you.
Well, I am.
I don't get it.
Look, I'm sure you
get to meet a lot of girls,
but it hurts my ego that
you don't remember me.
We were introduced by
the bartender at Cody's.
(sighs)
Of course, I, uh... I haven't
been back there for a while.
I heard some guy got
killed there last year.
Excuse me.
Wait.
You know, I don't understand
why she's trying so hard with him
when she could have
a good-looking
doctor like yourself.
Who knows, maybe
she's a Christian Scientist.
As the saying goes, if
at first you don't succeed,
go hit on somebody else.
Well, somebody
enjoyed his dinner.
My man needs his strength
to go skeet shooting tomorrow.
I can't wait.
(imitating gunshots)
Ike says they shoot off
the fantail from 10 to 11.
Huh?
Is that the only time? Yes, why?
I have this conference
call scheduled tomorrow
from 10 to 11.
Does that mean we can't go?
Not this time, son.
That's okay, Dad.
No. No, it's not okay.
This is supposed to
be a vacation, Michael.
We planned it especially
so you could spend
more time with your son.
Now, please, no business.
I'll make it up to you,
Michael. Promise.
Baby, do you know what it takes
to set up a conference
call ship-to-shore?
(laughs)
See, he doesn't mind.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to upset you.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe
you never been to Cody's.
Well, I have. A lot.
I was trying to wipe the
place out of my mind.
And I was there the
night the guy was killed.
I, uh... I understand
a bystander
tried to take the
killer's gun away
and he shot him too.
You wanna see the scar?
That was only the beginning.
Spent four months
in the hospital.
Ended up losing my job.
All because I stuck my nose
into somebody else's business.
But you must be glad to hear
they caught the
guy that shot you.
Well, I don't know
anything about that.
Oh, yeah, he's a
drug dealer, Mob guy.
It was in all the papers.
I must've missed it.
Surely they've asked you
to be a witness at the trial?
Getting a little
cold out here...
Look, I-I'm sorry, I'm
upsetting you again.
This must be a
nightmare for you.
And I've ruined your meal.
Look, if I promise never
to mention Cody's again,
will you come back inside
and join me for dinner?
Okay. Good.
By the way, the name's Suzanne.
Frank.
Now you can't
say we haven't met.
(chuckles)
( mellow theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
You cocktail waitresses
lead fascinating lives.
Hey, Doc. Doc, you gotta
get in here right away.
A guy just passed out
at the blackjack table.
Well, how'd it happen?
He won.
I'll be back in just a second.
Don't lose the mood.
( quirky theme playing)
Bonsoir, ma chérie.
(French accent):
Till we meet again.
Now, that's Orion's belt.
You see it? Uh, the
three stars right in a line?
And over there,
we have the Cygnus the swan.
Heh. That's my
personal favorite.
Now, let's see if we
can find Ursus the bear.
Oh!
Yes, there you
are, you little devil.
(chuckles)
And that, of course,
is the, uh, Little Dipper.
Little, but wow.
How long are you gonna
keep me in the deep freeze?
Until you start living
up to your promises.
Okay, honey. Hop in bed.
Listen, son, I'm sorry we
can't go skeet shooting,
but, uh, how would
you like to go fishing?
I don't know.
I've never done it.
Well, it's about time we went.
Day after tomorrow, we'll
be in Cabo San Lucas.
Best fishing in the world. You
know what we're gonna do?
You and me are
gonna charter a boat,
go fishing all day long.
Really? MIKE SR.: Really.
And that's a promise.
Good night, son.
Good night, Dad.
Have a good sleep.
Wait a minute, don't
forget to say your prayers.
( mellow theme playing)
Dear Lord, thank you for today.
And please bless Mom,
Dad and my man, Ike.
Oh.
And thank you for bringing back
Lenore and the Escorts. Amen.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na ♪
(chuckles)
( upbeat theme playing)
(ship horn honks)
Ready for breakfast?
Mm. Look out,
pancakes, here we come.
Mm. Mm.
Hey, Ike. Guess what?
Me and my dad are going
fishing in Cabo San Lucas.
All right.
Anything you can
tell me about fishing?
I wanna be real good at it.
All you need to
know about fishing
is that it's a lot of fun.
Unless, of course,
you're a fish.
Uh, but, uh, I've got
something that's really special.
It's, uh, my magic fishing hat.
Hey, Isaac, isn't that...?
Now, Mike, um,
you just put this
hat on your head,
and you don't have to worry
about hooks, bait or anything.
The fish sense the magic
and they just
leap into the boat.
Already cleaned,
scaled and filleted.
Oh, Ike. There's no
such thing as a magic hat.
Okay, you be the judge.
You mean I can have
it? Mm-hm. It's yours.
No kidding? Right on, partner.
Hey, thanks, Ike.
( magical theme playing)
(chuckles)
That's the fishing hat
your dad gave you, isn't it?
Yeah, but it was just hanging
up there losing all its magic.
I mean, look, no... No fish.
Not one single solitary fish.
( sultry theme playing)
But I am not making
up this story, Fern.
I mean, I was sitting right
next to the lady under the dryer,
and she said she
was standing alone,
and all of a sudden, this
masked man popped out
and he kissed her
on the Lido Deck.
Masked man. Hmph!
I'd like to see him try that
stuff on me, you know?
Hi, Newton. Ha-ha! Hi.
(laughs)
Hi, uh... Roberta.
Right.
So you, um, going into
Puerto Vallarta today?
No, I...
(yawning): I'm too
tired. I did a lot of work.
I caused that.
(laughs)
You worked, huh?
Well, what kind
of work do you do?
I'm a writer.
A writer?
Gee, I've never
met a writer before.
What, um...? What kind
of things do you write?
Films and television?
Novels, I bet. Maps.
I write maps.
You know, the names
of cities, gulfs, rivers.
All that, I write,
uh... I write maps.
Oh, that's fascinating. Heh-heh!
Gee.
Well, listen, I
hope you don't think
I'm being forward or anything,
but I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.
Tonight? Uh... I
don't know. I-I...
I have tons of
work to do and I'm...
Phew, I'm still full from
breakfast, you know?
I insist. I'll come by your
cabin and pick you up.
No, no, no, no,
no. Don't do that.
No, no. I'll, uh...
I'll, uh... Heh!
I'll meet you in the
dining room. Okay.
I promise. Bye. Yeah.
Bye.
(giggles)
( mellow theme playing)
Penny for your thoughts.
(chuckles)
Well, I was thinking
about that killer's trial.
It starts today.
Oh, yeah, I know all about it.
I'm supposed to be there.
How come you're not, Frank?
'Cause I'm scared stiff.
I don't blame you.
The guy has ugly
friends, Suzanne.
One bullet's enough. I
don't need to be a hero again.
But can they convict
him without you?
Nope.
Then a killer will be
walking around the streets.
Yeah.
But so will I.
( mellow theme playing)
Evelyn, I hope you don't mind
not sitting at the
captain's table.
I wanted to make this special.
A night you'd never forget.
(snaps)
(playing romantic music)
Enjoying your dinner,
Newton? Mm-hm.
Oh. Heh!
Very much, thank
you. Well, good.
Listen, shall we
top it off in style?
What do you mean?
Watch this.
Garçon.
Yes, madame?
We would like two flaming
baked Alaskas for two.
It takes 20 minutes to prepare.
Oh, it's worth the wait.
Besides, we're not
going anywhere.
Uh... I gotta go. I,
uh... I have to work.
Well, Newton, what
about the dessert?
No, I can't. I-I've really
stayed too long as it is.
Good night, Roberta.
I... I had a nice time.
But I...
(sighs)
FRANK: You know,
you're beautiful.
(chuckles)
I think I haven't felt this
relaxed with anyone in my life.
(sighs)
Hey, something wrong?
No, nothing. Come on.
I haven't held
anything back from you.
At least you can
return the favor.
Frank, look,
I know you're the kind of
guy that cares about people.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
have gotten involved
in Cody's that night.
I'm just wondering
how you can...
Duck my responsibility
as a citizen?
(sighs)
Sort of.
And then there's that
whole area of revenge.
Revenge?
Believe me, I spent four
months in the hospital
thinking about that.
But what good is it gonna
do me if I'm 6 feet under?
You have a definite point.
Hey, let's put
the trial over here.
Just enjoy being with
one another, okay?
Good.
( mellow theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
(Stubing laughing)
Have I told you that your
eyes are like two limpid pools?
Yes. About five minutes ago.
Oh.
Have I told you about your lips?
Uh-huh.
Merrill? Hm?
Well, I'm getting
kind of chilly.
Let's dance.
There isn't any music. Oh.
Uh, well, I'll run
and have the band
play something soft and lilting.
Okay. Be right back.
( quirky theme playing)
Of course you realize, Fern,
that we are playing
right into his hands.
Hush, Muriel, someone has to
stand up to this masked masher
and make this ship safe
again for decent people.
( quirky theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
There he is, that's him.
Whatever do we do?
Pull yourself together. Yes.
We'll scream. All right.
Ready? Uh-huh.
One. Uh-huh.
Two. Mm-hm.
Three.
Hey, you!
( dramatic theme playing)
Who was that masked man?
What masked man? Masked man?
(sighs deeply)
Evelyn, did he...?
Did he ever.
Evelyn, compose yourself.
We still have
plenty of time for us.
Not tonight, Merrill.
I have a headache.
(sighs)
( upbeat theme playing)
STUBING (over PA): Good morning.
Barges will be leaving
for Cabo San Lucas
every ten minutes from
the Coral Deck gangway.
Hey, you're late. You're
gonna miss that boat.
We're not going.
What?
My dad has to fly back home.
What's going on?
Got a chance to pick
up another dealership.
I gotta go back
and wrap things up.
You know I'm doing
this for you, don't you?
Yes, sir.
What kind of...?
Mike, doing it for him?
You're doing it for yourself.
This kid don't give a damn
whether you get one
more car dealership or not.
All he wants is a little
attention from his father.
Isaac, you're absolutely right.
He is not.
What do you know
about it anyway?
My dad's trying
make a lot of money,
so I can live a
better life than he did.
He doesn't want me
going and singing songs
on some street corner.
He wants me to go to college
and get a good education
and be somebody.
Not a jive bartender like you.
( melancholy theme playing)
I'm sorry.
My fault. I shouldn't have
opened my big mouth.
Oh, it's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Michael, don't you
see what you're doing?
You're wheeling
and dealing yourself
right out of our lives.
Darling, calm down. It's
been an emotional morning.
Now, why don't you
just go back to bed?
I've really got to
go. I'll call you later.
( mellow theme playing)
Are you ready for
breakfast? Mm-hm.
(chuckles): Oh.
You know something? What's that?
There is something I have
been meaning to mention to you.
What is that?
I'm falling in love.
Who with? You.
Frank.
Oh, I feel the same way.
I-I just wish that...
What's your wish,
what's your wish?
Name it, you got it.
Well, I just wish
we didn't have this... This
thing hanging over our heads.
What thing?
Oh, Suzanne. You're not
gonna start with the trial again?
Frank, listen...
Look, couldn't
you just call the DA
and ask for a postponement?
Look, I've... I've told
you how I feel about this.
(sighs)
Maybe I have to explain
things better to you.
Look, I'm in the middle
because some pusher
killed a junkie in a bar.
A loser, a bum.
He's a guy who was
throwing away his life anyway.
He's a punk, Suzanne, a nothing.
That nothing was
my brother Tommy.
(sobbing)
You mean all this
between us was just...
( upbeat theme playing)
Lenore? Hi, Ike.
How's Michael?
Oh, okay. Listen,
I'll be right up.
How's he doing?
He's locked himself
in the bathroom.
Mike? Hey, listen,
Mike, I got an hour off.
How about if you and I go
down and play some Ping-Pong?
MIKE JR.: No, thank you.
Boy, that kid sure is
polite. Just like his father.
You know, we
have everything now.
A beautiful home, lovely
clothes, lots of money,
and I've never been more
frightened in my whole life.
I feel like I'm losing Mike,
and I don't know
what to do about it.
Right now, those times
back on the street corner
look awfully good.
Lenore?
What are you doing here?
Well, I exercised my prerogative
as president of the company.
I told my vice president
to make the deal.
Michael? Daddy.
I know it's kind of late
in the day, and, uh...
And all the big ones are
probably all gone by now,
but, uh, would you still
like to go fishing with me?
Oh, wow.
All right. Ha!
Now, uh, how about an
apology for our friend here?
I'm sorry for calling
you a jive bartender.
Hey. And I'm sorry too, Ike.
Seems as though I've been
doing all the jiving around here.
Hey, forget about that.
Listen, I want you
guys to pick me up a...
A sea bass about, oh... so big.
You got it, Ike.
Hey, listen, I want you to
catch me some green beans
and some French
fries to go along with it.
How am I gonna
do that? Very easy.
With your magic hat.
( mellow theme playing)
I have never been so
shocked in my entire life.
Can you imagine the
nerve of that man? He...
He was a little like Douglas
Fairbanks. So dashing.
Came out of nowhere
and swept me into his arms.
No, no, no, Fern.
I believe he's, uh... He
was more like Valentino.
You know, arrogant.
Arrogant and... And sensual.
Personally, I think he
was more like Bogie.
Tough, yet gentle.
(sighs)
(men laughing)
JULIE: You guys.
Well, I should've known
I'd find you out here
having a nice time
rather than doing your jobs.
Uh, captain, I was just here
checking out all the passengers.
Making sure they were happy.
And I was just, uh,
studying how Julie works.
Might wanna be a
cruise director myself.
I was checking the
ambient temperature.
There might be
some flu in the air.
That makes no sense at all.
Oh, you want sense.
I, on the other hand,
was doing my job.
And it's about time.
Captain, somehow I
get the vague feeling
that possibly you're not in
the very best of moods today.
STUBING: Well, how
am I supposed to feel?
For Pete's sake, we have
a... A kissing bandit on board.
Well, I hear he's making
a lot of ladies very happy.
Well, I want him stopped.
Why, sir? Nobody's complaining.
STUBING: Well, I'm complaining.
It's got to the
point you can't even
take a female companion
for a stroll at night
without this wacko
spoiling every mood
you've tried to establish.
Oh, he's screwing
up your love life.
Why didn't you say so?
Well, I must say, he's not
doing a lot for mine either.
Now, what we need
is a positive plan.
Any ideas how we can
trap this kissing person?
Well, sir, if we wanna trap him,
we really need some
sort of bait, like a decoy.
Right.
Right. Right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Wrong.
Right.
(knock on door)
It's open.
Frank, can we talk?
Nothing to talk about.
I have to tell you about Tommy.
He wasn't a bum.
He was a sweet kid who went
to Vietnam and got wounded.
And that's how he
got hooked on drugs.
I don't need to hear all this.
Well, you're gonna hear it.
He kicked his habit, and when
that pusher approached him
that night in Cody's,
he threatened to turn
him in to the police.
That's the kind of guy he was.
Not a punk, not a nothing.
I've already called
the DA. What?
Not because of you
and your little game.
Because I suddenly realized
I couldn't live with myself
if that guy went free.
Now, will you do me a
favor? Leave me alone.
Frank... Would
you please just go?
( melancholy theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Captain, I don't like this.
I don't like it
at all. Not at all.
Julie, there is
nothing to worry about.
We'll never be more
than a few feet from you.
And Gopher and Isaac are
in position ready to pounce.
And you'll have no
trouble spotting him.
Everyone is at dinner.
The deck is deserted.
Okay.
(women chattering)
Dr. Bricker?
Mm.
Uh, ladies? Ladies?
For your own safety, I must
ask you to my cabin for a cocktail.
Oh. Oh.
STUBING: What?
Now, all you have to do
is casually stroll
back and forth.
As soon as you
see him, call out.
Oh, captain, this could just
be a big waste of time, though.
I mean, well, what if he
doesn't come after me?
Well, he will. The
man's unbalanced.
Oh, I mean, he'll go for anyone.
No, I mean... Happy hunting.
Thank you, sir.
Tallyho to you too.
Ah, how am I doing?
Oh.
( jazzy theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
GOPHER (whispers):
Julie, any sign of him?
No, not yet.
( romantic theme playing)
Hold it, you!
( action theme playing)
Okay, buddy, don't
try any rough stuff.
ISAAC: We've got him, sir.
Bonsoir, mes amis.
Till we meet again.
Well, we know
one thing for sure.
He's not French.
(band playing soft jazz music)
Care to share your ocean?
(sobbing)
Hey, most girls
laugh in my face,
they don't burst into tears.
Oh, Dr. Bricker, I've
messed up everything.
I came on this
cruise for one reason.
Frank McLean?
SUZANNE: Yeah,
but it's so complicated.
I tried to push him
into doing something,
and now I wish I'd
never... I love him.
I've already lost my brother.
I don't wanna lose him too.
Do you understand?
No, but I think
maybe Frank does.
( romantic theme playing)
Suzanne. Frank... Shh, shh, shh.
For once, let's not talk, huh?
There's something else
that I would rather do.
( quirky theme playing)
(sighs)
(knock on door)
Who is it?
ROBERTA: Uh, it's me,
Roberta. Can I talk to you?
Uh, no, I'm not here.
I... I mean, I'm here.
I'm sleeping, Roberta.
Well, no. I'm not sleeping.
I'm, uh... I'm working.
I'm working. Uh, boy, do
I have a lot of work to do.
I've been up all...
All night working.
Uh, working on a map.
Heh! Uh, how do
you spell "Tanzania"?
Uh, um, T-A-N-Z, uh...
I could come in and help you.
Thank you.
Hi. Hi.
Just, uh, working. Hm.
It's...
It's a map of some countries
you've probably never heard of.
Hm. United States.
Some are rather well-known.
(sighs)
Newton, what's going on?
You know, the first night you
don't even show up for dinner.
And the second night
we were having such a
wonderful time together,
and then you just left.
And then tonight you
didn't show up again.
Oh, and then to top it off,
you know that masked man
who's running around
kissing just anybody?
Took one look at
me and ran away.
Aw, Newton, what's
the matter with me?
Roberta, there's...
There's nothing
the matter with you.
I mean, uh, if you ask me,
there's something
the matter with him.
What do you mean?
Well, maybe he's
so scared of girls,
that he thinks he has to
dress up to steal a kiss.
Why would anyone
have to steal a kiss?
What's wrong?
Well, maybe he knew for sure
that nobody would
ever give him one.
Maybe he spent every
high-school dance
so scared, he couldn't
come out of the men's room.
Maybe he promised
himself that one day
he'd do all the stuff
he dreamed about,
and then he met a girl
that he really cared for.
And then the mask
didn't work, and...
And he ran away like a chicken.
(chuckles)
People don't have
to do that. Do they?
No, no. If it was me...
Like, I mean, if I met
someone, uh, like you
that I really cared
for, I'd just say...
"Can I kiss you?"
And I'd say yes.
( romantic theme playing)
Ah, mon cher.
Magnifique.
Oh, boy, you knew.
Are you gonna tell on me?
Roberta, we'll be
back in port tomorrow.
Do you have any
plans for the night?
Yes.
(groans)
A very late dinner with you.
( romantic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Thanks for everything,
brother. All right.
And especially
the hard, cold truth.
Now, come on, Mike.
You kind of deserved that.
(all laugh)
And you deserve this.
Thank you, Lenore.
Hey, thanks again,
Ike, for my magic hat.
Anytime, partner. Anytime.
Oh, and, uh, Ike, you're
gonna have to come visit us.
Michael Jr. can't get
that "fuzzy-wuzzy" move,
and I can't seem to
get it together, either.
Hey, well, for that, all you
need is some magic shoes.
All right. Ow!
(laughs)
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Take it easy. All right, man.
See you later,
Ike. So long, Mikey.
(laughs)
Frank, are we
doing the right thing?
Maybe we ought to
get back on that boat
and just sail away from here.
No way.
We're gonna see this
thing through together.
We owe it to Tommy,
we owe it to ourselves.
( romantic theme playing)
It was noble of me,
wasn't it? What?
The way I gave her up
so she could be with him.
Excuse me? Hm?
Have you seen Captain Stubing?
I'd like to say goodbye to him.
Well, if you wait right here,
he should be by
any minute, ma'am.
All right, thank you. You bet.
Oh, Fern, it's all over.
We're going home and I'm
never gonna see him again.
See who?
That mad Valentino
who kissed me.
If he kissed you,
he must be mad.
Anyway, it was
Douglas Fairbanks.
Don't start, Fern.
Don't start. Well, I'm...
Mr. Weems, you look very tired.
Did you spend the entire
cruise working in your cabin?
Oh, no. I did a lot
of work on deck too.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Gopher? Yes, sir?
Look at this. Where
did you get that?
A room steward
found it in the trash.
Now, can you imagine anyone
being silly enough to think
that wearing that
could be a turn-on?
(both laugh)
(chuckles)
It's him. Who?
It's him, it's him, it's him.
(women shouting indistinctly)
(Stubing shouting indistinctly)
Wait for us! Wait!
(woman continue
shouting indistinctly)
He's going up!
( upbeat theme playing)